Deepunikki asks: My partner and I are always having fights because he isn’t giving much importance to me. I’m so worried about it. Even if I tell him, he isn’t understanding. How can I find a solution for this?
Hi Deepunikki –
I have two answers for you, because I don’t know you or your partner. Either might be right, or even both possibly.
My first is based on you being completely accurate in how you see the situation. You’ve been trying to express your feelings, and your partner just doesn’t get it. They don’t treat you as though you’re even relevant. They don’t call when they say they will, or even text, they ignore you when they’re with you, they never take you into consideration when they make decisions… is this sounding kind of right?
My second is based on lots of misinterpretation. Your partner actually does take you into consideration, but not in ways that make you feel cared for. They show affection in ways that don’t mean much to you, but pay too much attention to their friends, their family, their work, for you to feel cared for. And when you talk to them about feeling ignored, they ignore that – either literally not noticing what you’re saying or treating it as you being over-dramatic.
Could that be the case?
Well, I guess I’m changing my mind. Both of these scenarios lead me to the same answer, which is that your relationship isn’t working right now. And you need to express that to your partner, and see how they react.
If they say “You’re crazy, everything’s great, you just always look for what’s wrong,” then that’s where you need to meet them. If they say “What? Oh please don’t go, I want to make this work!” then that’s where to meet them.
And if they ignore it… then it might be time to go.
Now when I say “meet them,” what I mean is that clearly the way you’ve been expressing yourself isn’t working. But once you get them to give an opinion, you can respond to that. So if they say the relationship is great, you can give a list of ways in which it isn’t so great for you, while it can still be great for them, but could be made better for you. And if they beg you to stay, you can say that you love and want them, but need them to show you that they care in different ways.
I’m a big fan of the book The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. It does a great job of clarifying and simplifying the different ways people express and hear affection. It might be a great thing for you and your partner to read and discuss, if you two decide this is worth moving forward.
But as I said before, it’s awfully important that you realize that these concerns of yours might be because the relationship truly isn’t working. That this person doesn’t take the interest in you that you deserve. And if that’s the case, you might find you’re better off without them – both in that you might meet someone who treats you better, and that you might be happier alone than with someone making you feel ignored.
All of these add up to one simple thought – that whether you’re a person or a pooch, feeling ignored and uncared for is a horrible feeling. Whatever way things go, at least I’d love you to be able to get that out of your life.
Best of Luck with this!