Category Archives for "Behavior"

0 What to do when you feel bad

Sazuna6 asks: What do you do when you’re upset? What helps you the most when you’re feeling down?

Hi Sazuna6!

Well when it comes to this, I’m pretty much like any other dog.  I mope around, get listless.  I might howl or whine.  But mainly what you’d notice would be my lack of energy.  I’m normally full of excitement and eager to see what’s around the next corner.  If I’m feeling down, nothing seems all that interesting.  So why bother.

But you humans have other ways to deal with the blues.  Many which I think are great.  Like listening to sad music, or watching sad movies – just so you don’t feel so alone in your misery!

Some people also use substances to help.  Like drinking alcohol, or smoking cigarettes (yucch!), or what makes more sense to me – overeating what they call “comfort food.”  That’s fine, if you do it just a little.  If you do any of them a lot, they’ll mess your life up – often by making what was wrong worse!  Like, let’s say you feel bad because you’ve been messing up at school or work.  And then you start doing something that makes you more tired and groggy during the day – well you’re just going to do even worse at what you were bad at.  Or if you feel unattractive, putting on weight from lots of macaroni and cheese isn’t going to make you happier with what you see in the mirror!

But, again, if it’s in moderation (and I do suggest sticking with what’s legal in your community!!!), a little of that isn’t such a bad thing.

But the best thing you can do, by far, is what I do.  Go to Continue reading

0 Nothing to Sneeze At … all sorts of allergies

Nothing to Sneeze at … all sorts of allergies

Have you ever taken Antihistamines?

See, I’ve been thinking about Histamines lately.  We all know Antihistamines, but their job is to fight Histamines – a natural compound, released by the body to increase inflammation so tissues will bring in defensive substances  (mucous, white blood cells) when it feels attacked.  (Can you believe  a dog came up with that line!  Sometimes I even impress myself!)

Histamines are very useful when poisoned.  And very annoying when dealing with allergies.

I’m lucky.  I have never suffered any allergies.  But my human friend Handsome was a sensitive child: nervous, a worrier, and got sick often too.  Nothing huge or chronic, he just caught everything that went around.  And each time, what he’d feel was Histamines.  Like millions of microscopic mosquitoes, flying around inside him, stinging him constantly!

And I knew a dog who got awful allergies, to fleas!  He was bitten so many times, and scratched so much, that his immune system went haywire and he lost his fur and a bunch of weight… and eventually his life!  A wonderful dog, too, it was a horrible horrible thing to watch.

So it made sense for Handsome to take Antihistamines: drugs that blocked the production of Histamine in his body.  Working against his body’s incorrect actions.  But perhaps against his body’s defenses when they were right as well?  Maybe, but it did enable him to survive his childhood!  (They tried giving that dog some too, but I think it was just too late)

Now as we know, many of us have physical allergies.  But I think all  of us have emotional ones.  Oversensitivities, fears, based on deep-seated beliefs about ourselves and others and the world.

My biggest emotional allergy is to water coming down onto me!  I have no trouble jumping into a creek or the ocean, but I hate rain, sprinklers, and especially getting bathed.  Oh what I’ve put Handsome through, jumping out of tubs, shaking water all over him all the time!  The trick he eventually learned was to use a big cup, and slowly pour water over me while holding the back of my neck.  I still hate it, but that makes it tolerable.

Some of us wear our emotional allergies with pride – dogs who snap at anyone who reminds them of an abuser, “Hey you’re a tall man with long hair!  I’m gonna bite you before you kick me!”  Or people who gleefully reject romantic advances, “I know what you’re about!  You just want to hurt me!  I’ll never speak to you again, now that you just asked for my phone number!!”

While others find emotional Antihistamine.  Some adults drink when they go to parties, so they can be social.  Maybe you need to overeat when you do poorly on a test.  I haven’t found the way to avoid the feelings of water, but I sure know what to do afterward to get rid of the feeling: I shake it all onto Handsome and then run like crazy around the yard!

So is there a solution?  A motivational speaker might say that the key is to just walk through the allergies, suffer all the Histamines, to get strong and make it to the other side of them.  Right?

Wrong.

Let me tell you, I’ve had years of water coming down onto me, and I’ll never like it.  And I’ve seen sneezing fits in others – they don’ t end, and there’s no other side to it.

So does that mean we should just avoid anything that feels uncomfortable?  Or numb ourselves constantly?

It’s a hard one, isn’t it!  Just this week I met a woman, very interesting, funny, passionate, who said that she never wanted to see another play as long as she lived.  She found them all torture.

Now I don’t know what caused this in her, but I know there are all kinds of plays – dramas, classics, comedies, thrillers, musicals – and it’s crazy to think a human, with a human brain, would reject them all.  (Now let me be clear – I’ve never seen Cats and there’s no way I ever would sit through that filth.  But for a person to never experience My Fair Lady?!  What’s the point of having that great brain then?!)

Fundamentally it all comes down to one question.  Is it possible for anyone to live at such a state of awareness that their Histamines – physical and  emotional – only release when they really need to?

I don’t know.  If so, I’m not there yet.  And my friend Handsome definitely isn’t.

From all I can see, he’ll remain the same dorky man I’ve always loved – scratching, coughing, sneezing…  just as when he was that sensitive child, and for as long as his imperfect two-legged furless body carries him.

And calling me in that very friendly tone… to have a dreaded bath!

0 Do women and men have to obey different rules in life?

Soumyaguna asks: We have many small fights between us. I don’t want to fight but it’s like whatever he does is ok but if the same thing I do it’s not for him. And if I say that “you also did the same,” then he is like “so u want to do equal equal or what?” And whenever I cry he becomese very angry. He doesn’t want me to cry, but I cry because I can’t show my anger in front of him!

Hi Soumyaguna –

So there are two parts to your question.  One where he believes in a “double-standard,” where there are things he can do but not you.  And the other where he gets angry if you cry – and you cry because you don’t have the right to show you’re angry.

This is a drastic case of inequality.

Now I know what that feels like.  Handsome can get onto the couch, but I can’t.  Handsome can eat the good things on the table, and I’m not supposed to.  It’s not fair, but I love him so much I accept it.

But I’m not a human.  As a dog, I’m something that all of society says is not the equal to a person.  “Treat him like a dog” is a way of saying to take away a person’s rights and make them less than human.  So I’m not offended by this, just annoyed.

But you’re a human being!

Now all cultures have different roles for women and men.  In some, women should keep their heads covered.  In some, men should always walk ahead.  And I’m not here to say what’s right or wrong for those values.  But it sounds to me like you and this man have very different ideas about what you should or should not be able to do.  And this has to get Continue reading

0 When you feel for someone you rejected

Harry asks: There is a girl in my class. At the start of the semester I had a crush on her but I didn’t want a relationship then, so I let it go. Now she is seeing my friend. When I see them together, something happens in my heart. Nowadays I keep thinking about her… So what should I do??

Hi Harry –

Well, I have two bits of good news, and one bit of bad.  Though you already know the bad – you missed a chance to tell her how you felt back then, and she moved on.

But then those good news pieces:  First, you have grown in these months, and now realize you’d like a relationship.  I guess that realization always comes with pain, because the only way to know you feel it is to be aware of the lack of it.  Have you ever heard that old song about the fun but painful moment you suddenly “hate yourself for being single?!”

And second, of all people in the world, she’s seeing your friend.

Well that leads to two new bits of good news.  First, her being with him gives you lots of opportunities to get to know her better.  And for her to get to know you better.  Maybe all your best qualities, which you make a point of showing when the three of you are together!

And second – relationships in school usually don’t last terribly long.  Maybe he and she’ll be together for a few months.  But they’ll change, they’ll get sick of each other, one of them will do something the other can’t stand… and you’ll be right there, ready to help!

So I’m not telling you you’re wrong to be frustrated and disappointed in not having talked to her before.  But think of this pain as being like when you were born.  It was extremely uncomfortable to go through that birth canal (or to be pulled out if your birth was a Caesarian).  But every great experience you’ve ever had – including looking at this beautiful girl – required you having gone through that.

You’ve just had another birth, into a new stage of life.  And yeah it hurts.  But wow, look at the possibilities that lie ahead!!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

1 Is it better to break up before a long-distance relationship or after

meghna asks: I was in this relationship with a guy for past 6 months.. We have always been close. He said he loved me, I didn’t say it back, because I know it is something that is developed after a while. But a few days ago I started overthinking and I realized that in next one and a half years, I’ll be going away for my college, he will be having his own career, and we’d be in a long-distance relationship… for 5 years? Impossible, and breaking up and that time would be way worse than breaking up right now 🙁 So I broke up with him a week ago.. I felt miserable doing this. He is my everything. We both cried for hours together before leaving each other. He is not able to understand that we would be separated later and thinks I’m doing this for no reason. He has been begging me to come back. Of course I still have feelings for him, but should I go back to him? Or should I leave it at this? I don’t know what to do. I’m just a ball of confusion right now!

Hi meghna –

Oh my dear, this is such a common problem!  People fall in love in high school, planning to go to college or university, and this problem is pretty much guaranteed.  I’ve known cases where they actually stayed together through the whole time, where they split up, but got back together when they missed each other and were lonely, and where they ended up going to the same school in order to stay together.

And while I’ve known exceptions, the truth is that, in almost all these cases, eventually they broke up.

And here’s the tough fact – it really wasn’t because of the long distance.  It’s because you’re still young when you’re in high school.  You don’t feel it – you feel so much older than you were when you were younger, and you’re right.  But there’s still a long way to go.  So while some couples do get together that young and stay together, most people change too much after age eighteen to stay with the person who was perfect for them then.

But this isn’t really the answer to your question, is it?  I’m just arguing it might be the most important consideration to include when you do answer it!

If you assume that you and he will change over time, then you have a few choices.  For example, you could Continue reading

0 How to find out the feelings of someone when you were afraid to tell her yours

rvineet_vr7 asks: I need a big favour from you. I loved a girl and proposed to her. She said no and told me she is committed. And after a month nearly she told me that it was a lie. One of our mutual friends liked her. So to avoid any fight she said so, though I was not convinced with it at all. Time passed and after 4 months we started meeting again due to common tuitions. We became best friends. One day she suddenly asked me if I still have feelings for her. I said yes. She asked if my feelings were genuine, I said yes but I don’t care if she commits with me or someone else (I don’t know why I said that too). She asked me for a final time if I really don’t care with a low voice, I said I’ll let her know tomorrow. Days and days passed and I wasn’t able to gather courage to tell her how much I love her. Then one fine day she told me she had been committed with someone for past 2.5 years. And she then left the tuition and me on my own. I was broken. Then I tried my level best to get her out of my mind but can’t. Don’t tell me with time I will heal because it’s been more than 3 years now. We are still in touch as we are neighbors and talk normally as if nothing ever happened. Please man I need a great help from you to revive me back to life because I know she is the best one for me.

Hi rvineet_vr7 –

What a sad sad story!  I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.  And yes, I’d love to see it go a better direction!

I can give you a suggestion, but of course I can’t guarantee it’ll work.

First of all, though, about what’s already happened:  You’re right, you should have told her the truth about your feelings.  But what you did makes sense – those feelings felt so delicate, and you didn’t know how she’d react to them, and so it was really scary.

It’s like when I was in the dog pound and every human who’d come by would look into the cage where I lived with four other puppies, and each time they walked past, not wanting us, it broke our hearts.  To the point where some of us just stopped trying; someone would walk by and the pup wouldn’t even look up.  And even when the human who eventually bought me, Handsome, first checked me out, he didn’t take me then; it was a couple of days later that he came back and took me.

But this wasn’t just another person who you wanted to love you – it was THE one.  So yeah, I wish you’d spoken up, but I get it.

And second – I don’t know that I trust her about this 2.5 year relationship.  She’d already told you it wasn’t true, and that she had just said it to protect your friend.  Then she asked you your feelings – numerous times – and then  she opened up and said it’s real?  Most people in committed relationships are very public about them – they talk about them all the time, change their Status on social media, all that stuff.  And she wouldn’t even keep the story straight?  So I think there’s something else going on.

Now what that something is, I don’t know.  It might be that she’s had someone in her life for all that time who she hasn’t felt all that committed to – and has considered leaving them for you or someone else, but now, since you’ve said you’re not all that interested in her (I know that’s not exactly what you said, but she probably heard it that way), she’s using it as a shield against being hurt.  Or it might be that there isn’t anyone at all, and she just says it when it suits her.

Either way, though, my advice to you is the same:  Continue reading

0 How to avoid thinking about an ex you don’t want.

Vijjju asks: Hey, sometimes I remember my ex and start thinking about all those memories. He cheated on me thrice, but still those good memories don’t fade away once and for all. I have been doing well these days, but now this is exam time, where I have to concentrate on studies, instead of all these thoughts haunting me. I don’t want to get back with him. Please help me.

Hi Vijjju –

When I started your letter, I began to groan – oh no, she’s going to go back to this guy?  But then I got to the end, and my tail started wagging so much I knocked Handsome’s coffee off the table.  I am SO GLAD you don’t want to get back with him!

And you don’t have to.  Ever.

But I understand you having this feeling that you might.  It’s like an addict being afraid they’ll give in one night and have another cigarette or drink, no matter how much they want to stay off of them.

Years ago, my human friend Handsome had that fear about an ex of his.  He also wondered how it would feel if he found out she was going to get married – would he be jealous, hurt, feel a failure?  And sure enough, one day she phoned him and told him she was engaged.  And from deep down inside him, a voice came up, saying “Oh thank God!”  At last she was off the market and he knew he’d never get involved with her again!

I’m guessing you’re in a similar situation.  You know better, but you don’t trust yourself to not get back with him.

Well, I have a funny suggestion.  If you had lots of free time, I’d say to socialize more, meet more guys, and fill your life so much you forget about him.  But you’re in exams.  So you don’t have nearly enough time for that.

But you do have a little.  I’m going to suggest you Continue reading

0 How to deal with a boyfriend or girlfriend who makes you jealous.

Rose16 asks: I feel like my boyfriend craves to be around other women. I’m really clingy and we have been together for 5 years .. we set up rules and he breaks them and its allowed but when I break rules, he threatens to leave. I have pointed this out to him and he says “You should’ve dumped me when I did it then so it’s your fault” .. I feel that he is very manipulative .. and I am under his spell. Don’t get me wrong, he is always there for me and we have great times together. We get each other’s sense of humour but he completely lacks empathy. He doesn’t care if something he does hurts me as long as he isn’t cheating. The only time he hurts me is when it has to do with another girl. Guys usually don’t understand girls .. we are in our early twenties and girls at that age are easy and sneaky and I check his messages to let him know that certain things he says are triggers for these girls because he doesn’t see the moves they make so he would be lured in the sense of .. if they asked for a lift or a favour then he would do it no questions asked. I probably sound crazy but I let some things go in the past and it made me cry for days because he couldn’t see what was happening and I was right every time about each girl. He deleted a whole lot of text messages from one girl the other day and told me he did it because he didn’t want me to check his messages anymore. There is so much more though. I feel like my heart is too weak to get heartbroken .. even if it is a tiny heartbreak each time. It’s building up and I just want to scream. Do I really wanna throw 5 years away even if I don’t think he is cheating??

Hi Rose16 –

Okay, as seems to happen a lot these days, I’m going to give you two answers.  All based on one question: Do you truly believe he’s actually pursuing these other women?

The reason I ask is that a while back, Handsome had met a girl we both thought was The One.  They’d been friends years earlier, and re-connected over a shared interest… in caring for dogs!  Everything seemed perfect, but she started to get very suspicious about his feelings about some exes of his.  And one in particular who he still worked with.  Now maybe that ex was manipulating things just as you describe these other girls doing, but he wasn’t remotely thinking about cheating or getting back with her.  But every time he’d speak to her or go to work with her, his girlfriend would flip out in jealousy.  Eventually, it broke them up.  Which was especially goofy, as the ex soon left that workplace and never saw him again.

So if there’s a chance that that’s going on, then the work that needs to be done is in you – to deal with your insecurities and jealousies.  Again, you may be totally right about those other girls.  But if your boyfriend is faithful, and just trying to avoid conflict with you, he might be worth holding onto.

On the other hand, though… “You should have dumped me then so it’s your fault?!”  Oh I don’t like Continue reading

0 Should I choose the one I love who doesn’t pay attention to me, or the one who does who I don’t care for?

Stellababy asks: I have two guys in life, Mr. A and Mr. B. I really love Mr. A with all my life – anytime we meet I do have a great time with him – but unfortunately he doesn’t have time for me. He doesn’t call or chat with me, he’s always busy with his work… On the other hand Mr. B, whom I don’t love, cares for me and pays attention to anything that concerns me. What should I do? Continue to wait for Mr. A. the one my heart beats for, or should I pretend to love Mr. B?

Hi Stellababy  –

I need to give you two answers, based on two different possibilities.

One is that Mr. A loves and cares for you, but he just gets lost in his work.  If that’s the case, then your job is to let him know that he really needs to connect with you, or he’s going to lose you.  That you adore him, but need him to show his feelings more.

If this is the case, things will almost certainly get much better soon – although, sometime in the future, you’ll find you have to go through all this again.  He’s not a bad guy, but this is the way he tends to be.

A few years ago, my human Handsome was working on a big project, and was gone for about eighteen hours a day for three weeks.  He’d come home at night and collapse exhausted, and barely even pet me. And I just had to live with it, putting all my focus onto other things (luckily there were some rats in our neighbors’ yard who I got completely obsessed with!).  But his first day home, I was eager for some good attention.  And what did he do?  Oh, he sat on the floor with three weeks worth of mail, and focused completely on paperwork!  I was furious.  But what could I do about it?   Well, he had this white couch then, and would never let me get onto it.  So I just walked by him, stepped on his papers to get his attention, and climbed right up onto it, staring him in the eyes as I did.  He jumped up, yelled at me to get off it – and suddenly woke up to reality.  He left the paperwork there, and took me outside to play catch and run around together.

So if it’s this first situation, you just might need a white couch!

But if it’s the second?  If Mr. A. really doesn’t care about you, and isn’t interested?

If that’s the case, I have a thought.  Have you ever learned about Continue reading

0 When your boyfriend isn’t paying enough attention to you

Bubblegum asks: Presently I have a boyfriend and yes I love him a lot and he also loves me a lot. But the problem is that love is not enough. He never gives me time as he is a student of chemistry honors. Ok he is really busy I understand. But now I don’t know why even when he gets time he doesn’t text me. He never texts me on whatsapp. He told that he has some family problem, but he is always like that. Another boy is there he is really caring romantic and perfect and he even loves me a lot. But as I am in a relationship I can’t start a relationship with him. Yes maybe I also have a soft corner for him. But what can I do?

Hi Bubblegum –

I have a problem here.  I see this all the time with couples.  One member says “We never talk, he calls me maybe once a day,” and the other says “We talk all the time, at least once a day!”  So when you say “he never gives me time,” I wonder what that means.  It sounds like he doesn’t like texting, but is it truly that he’s not giving you time, or that the time he gives isn’t the amount you need?

The big difference between them is about his feelings.  If he adores you, and is giving you all the time he feels he can, then that’s one thing.  But if he’s using his studies as an excuse to avoid you, that’s something very different!

However, the solution is really the same.  You just need to Continue reading