Category Archives for "Behavior"

0 What to do when a pursuer pulls away

Free asks: I was in a relationship with this guy for the past month. I’ve known him for five years, but wasn’t so close before. He always keeps messaging me and says that he loves me, but when I initially kissed him, then all those things went a little less. Moreover he’s having his studies, and his parents are mad at him because he doesn’t study. He didn’t spend New Years with me. I felt bad, but instead I messaged him keeping my ego aside. But he read the message and didn’t reply for days. I even asked him later if everything was okay – and he even didn’t reply. What should I do?

Hi Free –

So if I’m understanding correctly, for almost five years he’s been pursuing you, telling you he loves you, and such.  And then a month ago you two finally kissed, and since then he’s been distant?

Well you may be right to focus on his studies and his parents; maybe he’s under lots of pressure to think about something other than you.  But if so, he ought to have the courtesy to tell you!  Maybe he needs to stay focused till some tests or something.  But the only way for you to know that would be if he opened up about it.

Or perhaps he’s a guy who, like all us dogs, just loves the thrill of the chase.  So much so that, once he’d managed to get you to kiss him, suddenly he lost interest in you.

In either of these cases, my inclination is to Continue reading

0 How to make a relationship work after losing a child

Positivevibes asks: The last 2 years have been a rollercoaster for me and my partner. We have been together for 3 years. All started off well – he has a 9-year-old son, and after we met I soon fell pregnant with our daughter. We found out she had a heart condition that was serious and affected her daily life. In the first 3 months of her life I ended up with postnatal depression as I found things difficult, and me and my daughter went in to a mother and baby unit. After I got better we soon settled in to being back home all together. Then when she was 8 months, my partner became unwell with bowel cancer. And when our daughter was one she went in for open heart surgery and was touch-and-go for 3 months. Remarkably she pulled through. During this my partner underwent chemo so it was a heart breaking time for all of us. In March they both were on the mend and things settled. But by this time, my partner and I were hardly ever intimate. Then, in September, our daughter died. We are both struggling with this. I do understand that his feelings are all over the place, but we have not been intimate for months. He only cuddles me when we sleep, we barely talk, and he only says “I love you” if I say it to him. I have tried so many times to talk to him about it all, but he won’t talk. He just says he does not know what’s going on with him and shrugs. Every time I ask him I feel like we end up in an argument. I am really struggling. I have been trying to lay off the subject as I feel like it’s pushing him further away, but I’m so lonely and I am an affectionate person – I need to feel loved; instead I feel so lonely – and it’s also making me feel unattractive (I have put on weight and I don’t look the same as I did when we met). I end up crying myself to sleep most nights. We are in desperate need of help. I just don’t know what to do any more. I can’t lose him as well.

Hi Positivevibes –

Normally, we dogs look at you humans as lucky.  You can drive around, you can shop at grocery stores, you can play video games… but your story reminds me that a human can go through tragedies that make us sound like the lucky ones.

Of course everything else you’ve dealt with sounds bearable to me; it’s the loss of your baby daughter that breaks my heart.  I know that’s a wound that can never be healed, for you or for her father.  I’m just so horribly sorry.

The trick, for anyone who’s undergone such a horrific loss, is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re in a relationship with someone who loves you but is always rejecting you

Leonardo03 asks: I’m in a relationship in which romance does not exist. I always get rejected by her and I’m so tired of being rejected. I love her so much and she love me too but I want to feel to myself that she can give her all for me.

Hi Leonardo03 –

I’m a little confused by your question, but I find that this sort of confusing relationship exists often between people.

You see, to my doggy brain, it makes no sense that this woman is always rejecting you, but she loves you.  Yet I’ve seen this happen often.

To my eyes, there are two possible things going on.  One is that she loves you, but either doesn’t want what you want in terms of physical intimacy, or wants it but is afraid of it.  In either case, you’re finding her behavior “rejecting,” while to her, she’s just trying to protect herself.

Imagine if you were with a woman who insisted that you eat broccoli, but you hate broccoli.  And every time she offered it to you and you said no, she took it personally.  That would seem ridiculous, wouldn’t it!  Well, maybe, to her, this is that same situation.  She’s shy or nervous or just more prudish than you, but in no way wants to reject you or send you away.  Instead, she really loves you and wants to keep you close to her however she can – but not in a way that feels harmful to her.

If this is the case, then you just simply need to communicate more.  You need to let her know what you’re feeling, and she needs to let you know where she’s at.  Maybe she’s hoping you two marry, and that then she’d be able to give you all of her body and soul.  Maybe she’s waiting to see further signs that you’re committed to her.  Or maybe she just needs a little more time.  In any of these cases, if you’re willing to wait, she’s saying that you’ll get everything you want from her – but not till then.  Are you okay with that?  If so, then relax and give her that time.

But now, there is another case, and I’ve seen this one too.  A man Continue reading

0 How to have both a wife and a girlfriend

Luckyman asks: I got married 9 years ago and we have two children. I have a girlfriend, and she is almost my soulmate. I want badly to live with her. Also I don’t want to lose my wife. I want her for my whole lifetime. I don’t understand why destiny allowed some people to meet, when there’s no way for them to be together I want both of them, but my wife doesn’t accept my girlfriend, and won’t even accept her in our home. I’m struggling like anything. I can’t control my emotions. Please advise me how to make both of them happy and live together.

Hi Luckyman –

I like your choice of a name.  Because you’re right – you are a lucky man. So many men in the world go to sleep alone every night, with no woman wanting them.  And you’ve got two.  Two who sound wonderful.  And what’s great about you is that you realize  they’re both wonderful.

But of course, that also means you’re frustrated, deeply frustrated.  Because you love both, and neither one accepts the idea of you having both.

So what you’re dealing with is the difference between your imagination, which envisions a glorious world where both women are happy to share you, and reality, where neither one is cool with it.

I relate!  I love it when Handsome is totally happy with me and thinks I’m the best thing ever, and I also love jumping onto the table and stealing dinner.  But I can’t have both, I can only have one or the other.  And I have to struggle with that choice.

And you have to struggle with yours.

But again, you have a choice that most guys never get to make!  Whichever choice you make, you’ll have a wonderful woman you love.  (As well as having to hurt the other one badly – I realize)

So my advice to you is to give up on the idea of having both, and instead dive into the very difficult work of choosing between them.  Of weighing the strengths and weaknesses of both, and listening very deeply to your heart, and asking it what it wants.

I wish you could have both.  I also wish I could gobble up a delicious steak every night while Handsome scratches my ears and tells me I’m wonderful.  But I can’t, and neither can you.

So steak or scratching?  Either one’s wonderful – and either one will mean some pain in your heart.

I wish you the best of luck – and the best of decisions!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with gossip about you, even if it’s true

thelittleangel asks: There’s this guy who I’m attracted to, but I don’t know much about him. I’ve been wanting to get to know him, but also, there’s this girl who likes him and thinks I like him and she’s been telling people I like him and she’s been saying bad stuff about me behind my back. My friends think she only is saying this because she thinks I have a thing with him and she’s jealous. In addition, can I have some tips on how to deal with people gossiping about you and your business?

Hi thelittleangel –

Here’s the funny part about being a young human.   You guys are so worried about people talking about you, you don’t realize that it’s actually great!  She’s telling people you like him.  Okay, hopefully he’ll hear about it and think “Hmmm… I hadn’t really noticed her before, but I kind of like being liked by her!”

But now, you also say she’s talking trash about you.  That truly is a problem.

But you have an advantage – you know  that she’s doing it.  So the best thing to do with that is to confront her, ideally right in front of the friends she’s telling it to.  “Hey, I hear you’ve been telling people I have fleas.  Well, here are a bunch of my friends, and they’ve never seen me scratch, even once.  So why are you saying all these lies?”

Can you imagine  how powerful that is?  My guess is that she’ll immediately stop.  After all, the reason to spread that sort of gossip is to gain power, and you’ll have just taken that power right away from her!

And if a bunch of people are gossiping about you?  I’d do the same thing on a bigger level. I know this sounds terrifying, but imagine what would happen if you stood up in the school lunchroom, or at an assembly, and said “People here have been spreading lies about me.  And I wonder if you have the courage to admit it.  Like, who was the one who started telling people I have fleas?!  You don’t have the guts to admit it, do you?  Because you know it’s a lie.  So I’ll leave it to you all to figure out who it was who started it, but just know, they’re not only a liar, they’re a wussy coward too.”

And then sit down, and never bring it up again.  You’ll be amazed how that gossip just disappears.

So I guess what I’m suggesting, in both cases, is for you to find some courage.  The courage to start a conversation with that boy, and the courage to face this girl with the truth.

If you can do these things, you’ll suddenly feel a lot bigger and stronger, which will be amazing.

But don’t worry, you’ll always be thelittleangel to me!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is angry at you for not answering a call or text

Deadshot asks: I didn’t pick up my girl’s call. She doesn’t wonna talk to me now. What do I do?

Hi Deadshot –

I realize it might be too late for my answer.  But if it’s not, my answer is…

Give her a little time.

She wants space?  Give it to her.

And one of two things will happen.

First, she might feel “Deadshot has suffered enough, and will answer my call next time, so all’s okay,” and be great with you again.

Or, second, she might keep arguing that you’ve done something horrible.

Now let’s look at this a second.  You didn’t answer your phone when she called?  Why is that such a big deal?  Maybe you were talking to someone, and it would have been rude for you to interrupt them to take the call.  Maybe you were asleep.  Maybe you were busy!

It’s great that she wants your attention, but you’re still a human being.  Hey, even I don’t always come when Handsome calls me, and I’m a dog!  You’ve got the same right everyone else has, to not be at her “beck and call” 24/7.

So if she’s annoyed and feels unappreciated for a few hours, or days, okay.  But if she takes it further, I’d suggest you find another girl, who appreciates you as you are.

And when this last one calls – maybe, just don’t take the call again, ever!

Just my opinion!

Shirelle

0 How to choose between two abusive boyfriends

Jingle_jangle asks: I’m a 17 year-old girl. Once I was very confident and self-dependent, but last year I was cheated on by my boyfriend and ended my 3 year relationship. It affected me so much it broke my heart. After that I met a boy and now we have been together a year. He loves me so much but I can’t forget my past and my ex. My relationship with my boyfriend is not in a great state. I try to make things right but I can’t. First I thought he was a great guy but I don’t think now . He abuses me, humiliates me about my past, and he doesn’t understand me. After so many fights and humiliations, the feelings are deteriorating . I don’t want to end my relationship with him but i also want to get my self-respect back .I don’t have friends so I don’t have anyone to talk to and get advice. Please help me!

Hi Jingle_jangle –

I often get questions where someone is trying to choose between two romances – one who’s kind and supportive, and one who’s not as nice, but more exciting.  That’s a tough decision!

But you’re in a different situation.  You’ve got two guys, both who have been jerkish to you in some ways.  The first one cheated on you, and the current one’s abusive and humiliating.

I want you to form a new romance.  I want you to fall in love with someone way better…  I want you to fall in love with Continue reading

0 Should you return to a toxic relationship when you still love them?

Confused girl asks: I recently broke up with my boyfriend of about 2 years and not because I don’t love him anymore but because the issues in the relationship became too much to handle (we fought a lot and the bad times were becoming more than the good). Anyways recently my ex has been all up for getting back together but I don’t think I want to because I am scared nothing will change and the relationship will go back to being too much to handle. And I recently realized I like someone else (cliche I know) but I’m very sure am not in love with this person and I still love my ex way more, but I can’t seem to cut off this new person and go back to my relationship. I honestly don’t know what to do. My ex is someone I’m really comfortable with and this new person is like an adventure. I don’t know if I should pick familiar grounds over something that I’m not even sure will lead somewhere. I’m just 20 and I feel I’m too young to have this kind of problem (Lol). I’ve told my ex I need some me time and that he should move on from me but he doesn’t seem to want to and he’s still all up for the relationship but I honestly don’t know if I want to go back. For one, the new guy is still a factor. Two, the relationship was kind of toxic before and honestly scared if I go back, things will be the same. Three, I honestly want some me time (away from relationship drama). Do you think am being selfish and turning my back on a 2-year relationship for reasons that aren’t good enough? Do you think I should just forget all the factors hindering me and get back with my ex?

Hi Confused girl –

I understand your question, but I don’t know if I can give any definite advice without knowing more.  Though that might be okay.  Let me explain my problem.

There are situations where I can absolutely say “Don’t consider going back!”  Say if he beat you up.  And there are situations where I would say “Oh definitely go back,” like if you had a misunderstanding and he explained it all.

But this doesn’t sound as extreme as one of those.  You just say the relationship was “toxic.”  And that you still love him.  Which makes me wonder – sometimes people actually “fall in love” with the toxicity.  It’s exciting, or gets you obsessed.  And you hate it, but get kind of addicted to it.  Like a dog I knew who scratched so much at the itches caused by fleas that he destroyed his own immune system and passed away!

So it sounds to me like you need to do two things.  First, just Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend makes you stay at parties you don’t like

Bubbles_101 asks: I walked out of my boyfriend’s Christmas party leaving him and our son, since I got totally angry at him. But before that incident told me that we would only be dropping by his friend’s Christmas party to say hi and drop a gift for a exchange gift event. I did say yes but I wasn’t expecting that we would be staying there for too long. Can you imagine being in a party where you only knew their faces but not their names, since you guys are not that close?! You look like a total idiot sitting in a corner while he is having fun. But to be honest I really don’t like his friends (group of friends that were created through groups, more like a gang). Since before I met him he was in a group where each member has a car of their own. They have issues when it comes to pride. It’s like they should be the main heroes of the stories. I did try to calm down but he keeps on telling me to take a bath when I have a lot of house hold chores to do. He knows that right from the start I already told him that I don’t really like his friends but he seems not to care. I even look like a babysitter on that time. So I told him that I would be going home and left. He was totally angry when he got home, like 3 mins after I got home. He told me not to behave like that. He also told me that if I wanted to leave we could have just left. How was I supposed to tell him that when he was having fun and a bit drunk? I don’t think he would like to leave just like that. Yes, I embarrassed him in front of his friends by walking out of the party, but I don’t care since, like I said, I don’t like them and I have no plans of getting to know them. I feel like he prioritizes his friends over me. I feel totally neglected.

Hi Bubbles_101 –

I’m going to say I think both of you are a bit at fault here, and that I think the solution is pretty easy, if you’re up to it.

When I was a puppy, my veterinarian wouldn’t allow Handsome to let me play with other dogs, because I was too susceptible to diseases.  Finally I reached the age where it was okay, and he took me to a dog park to celebrate.  I was SOOO excited!  Maybe a hundred dogs, all kinds of smells, it was heaven!

Oh, except, it wasn’t.

Not one dog there would play with me.  I was the friendliest pup in the world, running up to all of them, and they’d either walk away ignoring me or turn and snap, scaring me.  I felt so lonely and rejected.  Handsome tried to make me feel better by playing with me, but of course, I was used to him – I’d been living with him for months.  It was those pooches I wanted to want me.

But then, as he kept taking me back there, things changed.  I got better at knowing how to approach other dogs, and which dogs to approach.  And eventually I made some great friends I played just as roughly as I wanted with!  That miserable park became my favorite place in the world.

Now you’re not exactly in the same place I was.  I was all set to befriend those dogs, while you’re not so crazy about your boyfriend’s friends.  But feeling left out and rejected and lonely at a party – that part sounds just the same.

So if you’re ever in that situation again, I recommend Continue reading

0 How to help someone who won’t talk about their problems

Danish asks: Why is it we don’t talk about our problems with each other? The girl whom I love, sometimes I feel that she is in some kind of problem, but she is not sharing it with me because of whatever reason. But sometimes when I’ve asked her again and again she’ll share. She is that type of girl who keeps most of her emotions inside. I want to make her feel light by sharing her problems with me. I want to make her feel that I am there for her in her bad times. So what should I do?

Hi Danish –

This is one of those areas where we dogs have a great advantage over you people.  See, when we feel someone’s sad, we can just walk up and lay our head on their lap, and they’ll feel so seen and felt, and hug us and get all their emotions out.

But because you guys are so verbal with each other, you can show this girl the same empathy I do, but she’s suddenly feeling pressured – she has to tell you what’s going on!  And for whatever reason, she doesn’t want to do that just now.

So what can you do?

Well, I’ll suggest you do what I’ve heard my human Handsome talk about with other therapists, which is “Meet the Person Where They Are.”  If she doesn’t want to tell you what she feels bad about, or even admit that she does, let her have that right.

It’s great that you asked her about her feelings, but if she says she’s fine, then act as if she is.  But stay there, be with her, talk with her about other things – all to get her comfortable.  What you want is for her to trust you so much, to feel so good with you, that she finds herself starting to open up about whatever’s going on.

So in other words, you show up and see the sadness in her face.  You ask if something’s wrong.  She says no.  You smile, say okay, and you two go out to watch a football game.  You talk with her about your week, you tell her some sad things that have happened to you or your friends, you get her to laugh, you ask her about other stuff that isn’t so sad… and then over dinner, you ask “So what else has been going on in your world?”  And she suddenly blurts out, “My boss said she might fire me!” or “My mom called me a loser!” or “My best friend is sick and I’m scared it’s serious!”

You see what you did?  You respected her wishes by not asking more about what was wrong.  You talked about everything else.  But doing that got her comfortable enough to tell you what’s up.

Now then, of course there’s the other scenario.  Which is that actually she was feeling okay, she just had that look on her face because she’d been trying to figure out a crossword puzzle!  And your day is still wonderful, and she appreciates your kindness and fun.

But either way, it comes from you treating her with respect.  Meeting her where she is.  And allowing her to not feel pressured by you at all.

And if you can do that…  you just might find she starts loving you the way you love her really soon!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle