Category Archives for "Behavior"

0 How to let someone know you’re done in a relationship

Maya asks: I’ve been dating for six years, and now things are complicated. I moved on already but he only knew that I was giving him a break. What should I do?

Hi Maya –

         It sounds to me like you’re saying that he isn’t really clear on how you’re feeling.  And I’m going to guess that that’s because it’s so hard for you to say something that you know will hurt his feelings.  A lot.

         And I’m afraid I have bad news:  You simply are going to HAVE to tell him the truth.  But you can still be kind in how you say it.  Something like “You know you’ve meant the world to me, and I’ll always love you, but I’ve moved on.  I’m looking to date other guys.  What we had was wonderful, but we grew apart in a lot of ways.  And I want something different now.”

         Sometimes it takes even more.  Like having to put rules out there, “You can’t call me, or even text me, till I tell you it’s okay.”  But hopefully you won’t have to do that. 

         But I still have to be honest with you – there’s no way it’s going to be easy for him to let you go after six years.  No matter how old you two are, that’s a big chunk of your lives.  (In my years that’s 42!!!)

         I wish you the best of luck with this.  My only wish is that you try to be as kind as you can, while being clear.  He deserves that.

         Shirelle

0 What to do when you realize you’re being used in a relationship

Jean asks: I met this man in the cafe shop where I worked: he’s my customer, he’s kinda professional travelling for business, he ordered coffee. He stands up and pretended he has something to ask about internet connection, but he was just giving me a small piece of paper with his Facebook account. The first time we met he was forcing me to kiss him and it shocked me, didn’t know what to do. I find out he’s a player, can’t trust him. But I was soft-hearted and went martyr. I still want to meet him despite everything I know about him. It’s not about his profession but it’s how he treated me when I’m with him. I can’t stop thinking of him. He’s a “busy man” with lots of places to travel. He only texts me for his needs and then he’s in a rush for work again. Now it hurts me when he texts me. I don’t know why. I confessed to him that I fell in love with him. But he said that it’s difficult because of the distance but he said he likes me a lot too. What should I do? Should I forget about him? Ignore him? Block him? Or should I text him first? He only wants to flirt. I need help!

Hi Jean –

I see this situation in humans a lot.  You meet someone who shows so much interest in you that it sweeps you off your feet, and then they start treating you badly, or neglecting you, or push-and-pulling… and you’re stuck, not liking the situation but desperate to stay with them.

The problem, and the way this works so well, is that you are so obsessed with him, you’re losing you. 

You call him a “player,” but I’ll say he’s more than that.  He’s what I would call a “collector.”  Like a person who collects different kinds of animals, he’s captured you and now has you where he wants you – but you know you’re only one of his collection.  If he had “had his way with you” and then disappeared, I’d be more likely to call him a player.  But the fact is that being with a player can be kind of fun.  This isn’t.

It’s like when I go to the dog park.  I love getting all crazy with the other dogs, and people petting and hugging and kissing me.  It’s delightful.  But when I’m done there, I want to go home with my human Handsome, not one of these other people or dogs.  Because I know he truly cares about me, and would do anything for me.  They might be more fun and exciting that day, but they might just put me in a cage in their basement if they took me; I’ll take my boring trustworthy guy over that anytime!

This guy is exciting, he’s passionate, he’s a little dangerous – why he almost sounds as great as the movie character Tramp, my romantic ideal!  But Tramp really loves Lady, and devotes himself to her in the end.  This guy… it doesn’t sound so likely.

So my advice, my friend, is for YOU to be the “player” here.  Love him and leave him.  Let him go away and see what happens.

Now maybe he’ll go just bonkers at not hearing from you, and come back to you and beg you to stay with him forever.  Which would be great.  But if not, then you’ll have freed yourself from his – what psychologists call a “Double Bind.”  Where you can’t win no matter what you do.

I’m not blaming you a bit for what you’ve done.  Again, what he did was exciting and romantic.  But not anymore.  So while I wouldn’t put you down for staying, it sounds to me like you’ll have a happier life if you step out of this and open yourself up to new experiences, and maybe a new guy!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to find out if someone is interested in you

Grace asks: Me and this boy are talking, but I don’t know if he’s into me and I don’t know how to ask. It seems like he is, but maybe that’s just how he is. I don’t know if we talking is a “thing” or just normal? Do I ask a friend to ask him? How do I know if he actually likes me?

Hi Grace –

I love to brag about how much better we dogs are than you humans, in this regard.  If I like someone, my tail wags when I see them, I run up and jump on them, lick their faces, run around in circles, and bring them toys.  Even people I frighten can tell I really really like them!

But then I look at my friend Aria, another dog who’s been abused and abandoned, and… she’s not like me.  She’s scared of everyone, even people she likes.  Even when her human comes home, who just adores her, she sometimes cowers.  So if you met her, she might keep down on the ground, nervously watching you.  You’d have no idea whether she wanted to lick you or bite you, and you’d be right to hesitate (She’s a sweetheart, but you should always be cautious with dogs who are hard to read).

So maybe we dogs can be difficult too.

Anyway, the good news is this boy isn’t going to bite you in the face.  He clearly enjoys you and wants your company.

But you just don’t know how  he enjoys you!  Is he shy?  Is he being strategic?  Is he just interested in you for conversation?  You simply don’t know. 

But he also doesn’t know how you  feel about him.  And neither do I.  (though I have a guess!)

So my thought is for you to

0 How to tell if someone – who has another boyfriend or girlfriend – is interested in you

Otaku asks: There’s a boy I know who has a girlfriend and has been in a relationship for more than 2 years. But she’s out of city permanently. And now they’re in a long-distance relationship. He and I have been hanging out for few weeks because we’re friends and there’s event coming up . Our club’s organizing it. And there was a time we stayed at our friend’s house and we slept in the same bed and he hugged me. I don’t know if he did that while he was just asleep or it was on purpose. Another time, when he was sleeping in another bed, I noticed he didn’t hug anyone – but he again hugged me and touched my lips the next time we were on a sleepover. So does that mean he likes me? I’m confused. He has a girlfriend.

Hi Otaku –

         Well I don’t know him at all, of course, but I sure have a guess about this! 

         Let’s imagine that I was at that night at that friend’s house.  That my human Handsome had dropped me off there, maybe when he flew off to meet with his family.  And when the night got late, and I got sleepy, I climbed up onto your bed and curled up.  And you got in under the covers… I would absolutely cuddle up to you, soak up your body warmth, and probably give you a number of licks, both to thank you for being there and to make sure you liked and trusted me.

         Then when Handsome came back, I’d be thrilled to see him, and run right into his car, eager to go home with him.

         So would I have liked you?  Sure!  You’re great, and you smelled good, and you let me sleep on your bed. 

         But would that mean I’d have left Handsome for you?  Not a chance.

         So my guess is that you’re seeing something like that.  He hugged you, and touched your lips, because he likes you, and maybe because he’s very attracted to you.  But he still has the long-distance girlfriend.

         However…

         Long-distance relationships are hard, and usually don’t last.  So my big question is

0 Should you go to the school you want to, even if your crush is there and might suspect your reason?

tinamv asks: This is kind of silly but I really want to do musical theatre classes, but the only good school in my area is the same one that my crush goes to, and I don’t want him to think I’m following him or anything because (embarrassingly) he already knows I like him. What should I do? Should I go anyway and ignore if he says anything? He and I are friends now, and I don’t want to like do anything to make him feel awkward. It’s very nerve-wracking.

Hi tinamv –

         I find your question kind of funny, because I think you’re hitting on the two things that most terrify my Pack members – performing and approaching crushes.  Both make humans incredibly self-conscious.  And you’re kind of  talking about dealing with both.

         With two exceptions.

         First, you seem to like  performing.  You’re not being forced by a teacher to get up and sing in a chorus, you’re looking at having spotlights on you while you act, sing, and dance!  In this regard, you are FEARLESS!

         And second, as far as your crush goes, the ‘damage’ is already done.  He already knows you like him.  You’re even friends.

         So you’ve already done the two hardest parts of this.

         The only part left is the goofy self-consciousness all humans are prone to, where you’re imagining the way someone else will think.  And literally considering changing your entire life plan, and giving up on your great dream, because of the possibility your imagination of his thinking might be right!

         So, tinamv, do you know what the word mantra means?  It’s a special word that people repeat over and over, mainly in meditation.  Often it’s in an ancient language like Sanskrit, but you can probably imagine the effect it would have on a person’s mind and spirit if they repeat a word that means “Love” or “Holy” or “Goodness” over and over again for hours a day.  Right?

         Well I’m giving you a mantra.  Just for now.  Are you ready?  Here it is:

0 Should you tell your baby’s father’s family about it?

Cocohh asks: I am 7 months pregnant from an ex of mine who wants nothing to do with me or the baby. Can or should I tell his parents about the pregnancy instead? I could use a little support. Also I have grown up without my father or his family in my life. I would like my child to have both sides of her family in her life. Also, I have a cousin who is claiming to other people that she has a baby from my ex. I am confused as to whether she’s telling the truth or lying, because she was married all along to another guy, and now she is broken up from him and back at her mother’s home. I am so in shock and confused as to what I can do about this. Maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie?

Hi Cocohh –

So okay, I have to start with your final question.  I soooo appreciate people who let sleeping dogs lie.  I’m always snoozing away on the bed next to Handsome, and he’ll roll over and just about tumble me off onto the floor, or he’ll reach over on purpose and give me a scratch or a snuggle, and I really love those things but not if I was right in the middle of a dream where I was catching up to an antelope and about to jump on it and…

Oh wait, you’re not asking about that literally, are you?  You meant to ask if you should just let everything be…?

NO WAY!

My friend, I’m sorry your relationship broke up, but at one point it was there, and this guy chose to do what he did, and yes, there are consequences to our actions.  If I steal a piece of pie off of my human’s plate, I’m going to get yelled at and sent outside.  And he did what he did that resulted in your pregnancy, and, while he doesn’t have to stay with you, he DOES owe you help – at least financial – in raising that baby.

So if he’s playing some game of “I broke up with you so I don’t have to have any relationship with you or her,” I don’t see any reason in the world why you have to respect it.

Or Continue reading

0 How to keep someone

dasalujr asks: What does it take for a woman to keep a man and not lose him?

Hi dalalujr –

This is so funny.  I have answered over a thousand questions on this website, and I think you’re the first person to ever ask me this.  I get tons of questions on how to win someone, or asking whether or not they should stay – but never about how to keep someone once you have them!

Of course, there’s no single all-around answer.  Some men like being treated some ways, and some like others.  And some people are just dog-like in their loyalty, very happy to stay with the people to whom they’re committed, while some are more like lone wolves, almost impossible to keep around.

But there are a few universal truths I’ve seen, on how to keep a man (or a woman) in a Continue reading

0 Is it right to stay with someone when you’re not expected to live as long

GREED asks: My Girlfriend has a heart problem. She says that it would be a waste for me to stay with her, because she can’t trust her health, or might die young. She says that I am the only son in the family, so I should find someone better. I told her “in times of sour or in times of sweet we will have it together.” What does she want or mean? And what should I do? How to deal with her?

Hi GREED –

My friend, if any member of my pack has a name less fitting than yours, I’m not sure who that’d be.  Any woman, and likely any man, who reads your letter is just going to melt, and wish they had someone in their life who loved them as unconditionally and beautifully as you love your girlfriend.  I’m going to declare you an honorary DOG – your love is just that perfect!!

Humans are innately subject to self-esteem problems, and while most people suffer for sillier reasons (“I’m not good looking enough,” “I’m not rich enough,” “I’m not popular enough”), your girlfriend has a devastating one: she has, possibly, a low expectancy for the length of her life.  I can’t imagine how awful that must be.

And she is being kind.  She feels you deserve a woman who can live with you for your lifetime, who can be counted on to raise children with you, who can be a help to you and not just the other way.  She doesn’t feel worthy of you.  And that is beautiful, and heartbreaking.

So you want advice?  I’ll give it straight here to you:  I want you to Continue reading

0 How to deal with double-standards

Jhalli asks: If a girl changes her boyfriend in a particular time to find someone better for her life, but doesn’t find him – and approximately she changes her boyfriend more than 5 times? One day 2 or 3 boys out of them say that that girl is characterless, or a girl who slept with every boy and changed to another when she was satisfied, or they blackmail her with her photo and their chat. In this case, who is wrong – those boys or the girl? If the girl then why, and in that case, which path or step is right for her to follow? And if both then why?

Hi Jhalli –

Do you know the term “Double-Standard?”  It means when a person has (or a lot of people have) the view that some people need to follow one rule in life, but others don’t.   At its most extreme it’s the definition of oppression (one race can drink out of these water fountains but others can’t; one race has the right to walk freely on the street but this race can’t!).  But today it’s usually more subtle.

What you’re dealing with is, of course, not as awful as the sort of oppression a bad government might do, but, in a social context, just INSANE.

I have no argument with those who believe that people should stay completely innocent till they marry.  If that’s the way they want to live, that’s fine.  But to say that men can run around and date whoever they want but women have to only be with one man their whole life – that’s cruel.

I’ll admit it probably made sense a while ago, when women had less control over their own bodies, and there was literally the problem where, if a woman got close to more than one man, she might find herself with a baby with an unknown father!  Okay.  But today you have LOTS of ways to keep that from happening, and just going out to dinner with two, or five, different guys, isn’t going to create any big problem!

I’m not saying that these boys mean to Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone mired in shame

Mrs.Hinn asks: I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship, and I love my boyfriend more than anyone does. His childhood wasn’t as good as one would want it to be. He has faced tonnes of comparisons & embarrassments by his own family members. They have been straight out rude & ruthless towards him. Each time he talks about it, I listen & guarantee him that I’ll always have his back no matter what. I, myself, am a very short tempered person. I cannot identify the reason for my sadness sometimes & blast out on everybody for no reason. It has happened a couple of times with my boyfriend. He thinks it’s because of him, when it’s actually not. End of the day, he apologizes for no reason and complains about how much of a burden he is to his family and everyone else too. This just kindles my anger even more, his convos regarding this are sadly narcissistic & always end up about him. I really don’t know how to react, I get migraines at times, unable to withstand his self-absorption. Please help!

Hi Mrs.Hinn –

You are touching on something very profound that most people – most psychologists even! – don’t realize.

This is that Shame (the quality humans have of believing the worst about themselves, usually worthlessness, unlovability, etc.) is closely related to Narcissism (seeing all issues in life as about oneself).  Now sure, we usually picture Narcissism as bragging, believing oneself is perfect or better than anyone else.  But it’s only a slight jump from that to believing that oneself is the worst, and less than anyone else.  Both are really part of the same problem.

You’re also seeing the cause – it sounds like your boyfriend’s family really did a number on him.  See, when that happens to us dogs, we just get frightened and untrusting.  We don’t have the same sense-of-self you humans do, so we never interpret these bad acts as being because something’s wrong with us; we just start thinking everyone’s mean!

And of course, when you get angry at, or push away, a person who thinks they’re unworthy of love, they’ll just interpret that as proof that they’re right!  So what can you do?!

Well… it takes patience!

While I’m a huge fan of psychotherapy, and think it would be GREAT for your boyfriend to find a good therapist and start digging through this junk, there’s one big thing you can do too.  And that’s to consistently remind him that you exist.

What?!  What did I Continue reading