How to deal with double-standards

Jhalli asks: If a girl changes her boyfriend in a particular time to find someone better for her life, but doesn’t find him – and approximately she changes her boyfriend more than 5 times? One day 2 or 3 boys out of them say that that girl is characterless, or a girl who slept with every boy and changed to another when she was satisfied, or they blackmail her with her photo and their chat. In this case, who is wrong – those boys or the girl? If the girl then why, and in that case, which path or step is right for her to follow? And if both then why?

Hi Jhalli –


Do you know the term “Double-Standard?”  It means when a person has (or a lot of people have) the view that some people need to follow one rule in life, but others don’t.   At its most extreme it’s the definition of oppression (one race can drink out of these water fountains but others can’t; one race has the right to walk freely on the street but this race can’t!).  But today it’s usually more subtle.


What you’re dealing with is, of course, not as awful as the sort of oppression a bad government might do, but, in a social context, just INSANE.


I have no argument with those who believe that people should stay completely innocent till they marry.  If that’s the way they want to live, that’s fine.  But to say that men can run around and date whoever they want but women have to only be with one man their whole life – that’s cruel.


I’ll admit it probably made sense a while ago, when women had less control over their own bodies, and there was literally the problem where, if a woman got close to more than one man, she might find herself with a baby with an unknown father!  Okay.  But today you have LOTS of ways to keep that from happening, and just going out to dinner with two, or five, different guys, isn’t going to create any big problem!


I’m not saying that these boys mean to do anything so awful.  But the fact is, what they’re doing is part of a complete mindset to keep women down.  Today it’s that you can’t date but men can.  Tomorrow it’s that you can’t choose your health care but men can.  Or you can’t vote but men can.


There’s a lot that’s very special about being a woman, and I love playing the female role in dog parks!  I have no desire to take away all those glorious specific energies that make women magical and different from men.  But here we’re talking about rights.  What do you have the right to do, and is it the same as the guys.


And you have the right, absolutely, to demand that you have the right – to live and love.


And, yes, to not marry the first guy you like.  To look and experience and try, and eventually decide on someone who you feel is truly worthy of you.


And here’s the funny part – you know who’s making sure they’re not  who you’ll pick?  Those dingdongs who are telling you you don’t have the right to date!


Jhalli, I don’t want you to go throw yourself at a zillion guys and lose your sense of yourself  But to date?  To meet guys?  To enjoy being single?  I can’t wish anything more for you!


So get out there and find what you want.  And to those guys who say you don’t have the right to look, I say BLEEEEHHH!  Yes, my very long doggy-tongue I’m sticking out right at them!


Because they deserve it.  And you deserve so much better!


All my best,


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