Category Archives for "Adults"

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s ex is hurting themselves to win them back

Quirkymesss asks: I was in relationship with a guy for a year and a half. I then came to know that he was already dating someone, and had been for three years. So his girlfriend found out about me one day and threatened me to stay away from that guy. But this guy comes again in my life and apologizes for everything, and says he wants a relationship with me too. I also can’t refuse to accept his proposal because I love him and he told me that he also loves me. And again his girlfriend found out everything (I know I wasn’t doing right thing but I can’t forget him), and still he came back to me. This actually happened three times and I am not a girl who is so strong or fights with people. But the girl threatened to come find me at my college, and I have to leave that guy because I don’t want any big issue. She says they’re committed to each other, but he was saying that she is blackmailing him by cutting her wrist (and he show me that too). And that she is not ready to leave him, and that he wanted to broke up with her, but he is not doing this because he’s afraid she’d do something to me if he did. So I just want to know how to solve this situation, in a way that nothing bad wouldn’t happen to any of us.

Hi Quirkymesss –

I have two very different answers for you.  One is how to deal with her, and the other is with him.

I’m feeling pretty bad for her.  He may say she’s blackmailing him, but it sounds to me like she’s an emotional mess (which is very different from being a Quirkymesss!).  If she really is threatening suicide, she needs some psychiatric help, and now!  She’s in great danger – and as you point out, you might be too.  Whether he stays with her or not, he needs to help her find someone who can help her deal with her fears and her pain.  Even if she was doing this just to manipulate him… would you  have cut your wrist to keep him?  Clearly not!  So I’m saying, she’s got issues and needs some help right away.

Okay, but now to the other question: Him.  I know you started the relationship not knowing about her, but he didn’t!  He knew perfectly well that he had been with another woman for a year and a half, and started dating you, not telling either of you about the other one. 

What does that say about him?

And even though she’s been manipulative, the fact that he kept you both around for another year and a half makes me worry a LOT about your relationship.  Let’s say he gets her some mental health, and is able to leave her, without her hurting herself or you.  Great.  But will you be able to trust him then?  What’s going to go through your mind when he’s away for a number of hours, or on a trip for his work?

And here’s my biggest question – has his behavior somewhat CAUSED her pain and craziness?

When I lived in the dog pound, I saw a lot of older dogs who were really messed up.  Chewing their paws till they bled, running in circles, all sorts of odd behaviors in their cages.  And I don’t think they were like that as puppies.  I think they were a lot like me originally.  But tough lives, and abuse and abandonment, and being locked up in pounds – all of those things sent them kind of mad.

So maybe this guy is great – but I’m not seeing it right now.  And I don’t want you turning into her! 

So while I’m very eager for her to get the help she needs, I also want to give you just a little nip on the ankle, to say “Hey Quirkymesss, be sure to notice this.  The hair on my back is up a little bit.”

With all my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your perfectionism makes you put yourself down

arjai101 asks: Rereading my letter to you made me realize I’m self-absorbed and vain. And, a lot of that whining was coming from a place of just hurt and pain. I guess there’s just been a whole lot of keeping it all inside. I honestly need to get my head screwed back on. Firstly, I’m trying to fix my relationship with food. I’m so tired of obsessing over what I eat and feeling hungry and tired and my workouts sucking. And then I indulge once, and I feel awful, and I go throw up. And, don’t come at me with the, “Do you know how unhealthy and dangerous that is? Don’t be stupid!” Believe me; I know; I know; I know. I know exactly what I’m doing to myself, read all the papers, and all the articles. And most of the time, I think I deserve it. I think I deserve every single second of it. Honestly, ever since I came out to my mom, it’s been downhill from there. Also, I finally stopped texting ex-marathon girl. I get that we’re friends. I know she’s a straight girl with a boyfriend. I’m not dumb and stupid. But, I feel like she has no real regard for me. And, I know I know I can’t blame anyone but myself. She owes me nothing. But, it just hurts so bad knowing I care so much more for her, more than she ever will for me. Then, there’s this guy who became a great friend to me, we’d talk about girls together – he knew exactly who and what I am – and still one night he made a clumsy stupid groping pass at me in his car. And when I pushed it away, he started making dumb excuses not to meet with me anymore. So I don’t know. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking. And maybe, I deserve it all. Maybe, I deserve every little thing. Perhaps it’s all my fault. I mean, it really all is. I brought all of this on me. I brought that weird sinister dark look the passes over my mom’s face every time there’s a subtle reminder that I’m gay. I brought getting felt up by that guy. Everything. Everything has my name on it. Lately, I’ve been trying to channel it all into anger. But then, you’re still just reminded how you mean almost nothing to that beautiful girl. How, you were nothing but some conquest to that guy. How another friend I trusted is off living his best life with all of his friends and adventures and better things to do. How, your mom doesn’t want you to tell anyone what you are. And church. And family. And all of my other irrelevant unimportant issues because I’m an entitled brat. And I, I just exist in some vast void of boredom and nothingness hoping to grasp onto some rope and get the hell out, but realizing that maybe everyone must want me to stay in there or maybe they forgot about me, or maybe just learn to shut up and disappear better. And, can I really blame them? All I do is hurt people; I can’t even help it; I don’t even know I’m doing it. But, I know I do. I mean, I must be. I know I just need to wait it out. I’ll be at college, and it’ll be better. That’s what everyone keeps saying. But, what if it doesn’t? What if I don’t shine bright enough or my personality annoys everyone? And, it’s just me, desperate as hell. You know, I was watching this interpretive dance video done by Eugene Lee Yang. And, he goes through all these colors, each one representing a stage in his life. And finally, in the end, he gets to violet. He’s standing there in this stunning ensemble, all just crashing down around him. And, it looks like everyone doesn’t even know what the hell to do with him. But, he’s just standing there despite everything, with this look of determination, like “You can’t tell me a thing anymore.” And you know, I just was thinking…God I hope I get to violet. I really hope there is just light at the end of the tunnel and I make it there alive. You know, it’s not really my nature to fade away. But, I don’t know, these past few months I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Oh arjai101!!!!

Hasn’t anyone told you that it’s animal abuse to break a dog’s heart?!  And you SO break mine!

Nothing you’re telling me about your actual, objective, situations is all that rare.  A crush on a bland beautiful woman who can’t deal with your reality?  Half the guys I know have that same problem, not to mention the interesting ladies like you.  A young man who believes the nonsensical myths out there about how every lesbian is just dying to be “turned” by the right guy with the right moves?  Ridiculous and SO common.  And a mother who can’t accept her daughter being her full self, but won’t reject her either, just asks her to keep it all secret for “the neighbors’ sake?”  TIMELESS!

(Of course, the first two of those apply to us pooches as well!  Handsome’s had girlfriends I wanted SO BADLY to love me and just couldn’t win over; and while I’m not a lesbian, I was spayed early, so share your complete disinterest in males’ sexual desire for me.  If you haven’t read my story about that, go to AskShirelle.com and type in HarrietteS in the search box, and read my story about this fellow at a dog park who makes Albacore look like SUCH a gentleman!  But the situation with your mom – yeah that’s only humans.  And I’m awfully AWFULLY sorry about your having to go through that one)

And I’ll do what you ask and not get on your case about the eating issue.  But there’s another issue I am going to COMPLETEY get on your case about.  And that’s the way you spend this whole letter BEATING THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOURSELF!  And you know what I’m going to tell you about it?  You might recognize the words:

“Do you know how unhealthy and dangerous that is? Don’t be stupid!”

Arjai101, I’m going to trust that you’re able to healthily deal with your – yes, stupid – eating issues.  But this letter is SO FULL of self-loathing and blame…

MY FRIEND YOU ARE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG!  How would you be if I blamed myself for having been placed in the dog pound?!  You’d say I was crazy, right?  It’s not your fault a beautiful girl is straight (or boring), or that a guy is too horny for his own good, or that your mother is too concerned with social customs. 

Now is it true that you don’t fit in to a lot of situations?  Yeah, and I relate to that a LOT!  You’re ME!  And yes, that’ll be an issue as long as I live.  But I don’t blame myself – I really LIKE the way I am.  And when some people can’t handle that?  Well, that’s a difficulty for everyone concerned.  But I’m not changing who I am, or asking them to change who they are.  We’re all fine, just as we are.

But when you say that you’re lonely? 

Well yes.  I relate fully, and that situation STINKS.  And yes, I’m one more voice saying that I believe that’ll get better at college.  And then it’ll get better and better, the more you’re able to openly be yourself (which maybe you can’t while you’re living with your mom, which isn’t fair at all). 

But what I’m calling STUPID is your perfectionistic view that you’re somehow at fault for this.  That there’s something wrong with you.  THERE’S NOT!

But your letter reminded me of something.   Something I haven’t thought about in a while.  A few years ago, I helped to

0 What to do when a parent stops speaking to you

Naina asks: I just had a fight with my mom and now she is not talking to me what should I do now?

Hi Naina –

Now of course I don’t know you, or her, but I can’t help but guess that this is a very abnormal event in your home.  That her not talking to you is new, or at least rare.

And usually it’s the other way; usually parents are begging for their kids to talk with them, open up, stop being so secretive.  So my sense is that this argument really bothered her.  More than maybe any fight you’ve ever had before. 

I find that, when something like this happens, it’s really a chance for you to learn about the other person.  Something bothered them that badly.  What was it?  Why did this bother them more than other things (that might have seemed like bigger deals to you)?

When I was a puppy, I was a horrible chewer.  I chewed and bit everything around me.  And while Handsome, my human friend, would often get annoyed, it never went beyond that.  Until one day, when he was taking a shower, singing along with one of his favorite albums, a record that he’d had since childhood .  And came out to find the cover in a hundred pieces all over the floor, and me with the rest of it in my mouth.  He flew into a rage, picked me up, opened the back door, and threw me across the back yard!  (Before I even touched the ground, he suddenly felt horrible guilt, and has never totally forgiven himself, even though I came through it fine – landing as well as any cat!). 

So let me tell you, I’m not quite sure why an album cover has more meaning to him than, say, the leg of a table.  But I learned quickly that it does – and have never so much as sniffed another record ever since!

So, like that, something specific happened in this fight, that’s driving your mom nuts.  So your job is to find out what it is.  (Please tell me you didn’t chew up Abbey Road like I did!)

And once you do, or even if you have a good guess, then your (tough) job is to go to your mom and tell her.  “Hey Mom, I’ve been thinking a lot, and I realize it was really hurtful when I told you I’ve always hated your hair,” or “really hurtful when I said you’ve never been a good mother,” or “really hurtful when I said I want to move out.” 

And here’s the funny part.  You might be wrong.  You might think it was about her hair, when all she cared about was you saying you might move. 

But even if you are wrong, your effort will show her that you cared.  That you thought about it.  That you were anything but the thoughtless, inconsiderate, stinker she was feeling you were.  And that instead, you were the angel she’d fallen in love with the moment you were born, but maturing into a caring, trustworthy adult. 

(And it’ll be even better if you’re right!)

So give that a try.  And even if you’re no better a mind-reader than I am, you’re still very likely to win her heart – and her voice – back!

The Very Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone you like says you’re not attracted to them

Nsom asks: Hey, I really love this girl. But she says I’m not physically attracted to her. What should I do?

Hi Nsom –

This is one of the odder qualities of people, that I see every now and then.  

If I feel hungry, I feel hungry.  And anyone telling me I’m not is just silly.  And no one does that to us dogs.

But I see it all the time in humans:  “You’re angry.”  “You love her.”  Even “You’re cheating on me.”

And this one you’re hearing is equally goofy.  You know very well whether you’re attracted to this girl or not; and she clearly doesn’t know at all!

But perhaps there is one truth in here – maybe you could have let her know how attracted you are more.  Lots of guys don’t say things they’re feeling, like “Wow I love that dress on you” or “You have such beautiful eyes,” or “I think about your smile all day.”  

So perhaps, if you get another chance with her (or with another girl) you might work on that a bit more.

But once you’ve got that going, the next time she tells you what you’re feeling, or you’re not, feel free to tell her for me – That’s Goofy!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s ex wants them back

Awerpia asks: I love my girlfriend very much and I want to marry her But I am scared of what might happen if her ex-lover returns from the states. At the beginning of our relationship she had already broken up with the guy for some months, but it was difficult for her to totally cut ties from him because it was her first relationship. The guy forced her to bring him to me upon seeing our numerous calls and texts. And instead of talking about why he came to see me, he rather spoke of church issues realizing that we were from the same church. He texted me some months later just to introduce himself as her boyfriend though my girlfriend said they had broken up. I really don’t know how he got my number, and he wasn’t ready to tell me, so I blocked him. He then sent threatening messages to my girlfriend that it’s either he has her or no one else. They have broken up but he keeps telling her that if he returns from his journey and she is still single he would like to marry her. She loves me, no doubt about that. And I love her too. But my problem is when he visited me he came as a “friend.” Would I be a traitor by marrying the girl he’s dated for 3 years and wants to marry? Will I be safe marrying her? What if he tries harming me because it would look like I have taken his girlfriend from him, although that isn’t the case?

Hi Awerpia –

Wow, what a situation!  This is an amazing letter!

But I want you to try to ignore about 95% of it.  And just focus on one question:  What would you do if someone tried to force the woman you love into marrying them against her will?  No matter who he is, no matter their past.  What would you do? 

Would you sit back and say “Okay, no problem?”  Would you buy a big dog and a big gun and attack him?  Or would you just calmly say “No, that’s not going to happen?”  And then make sure it doesn’t.

I’m betting the last one. 

I don’t know what’s going on in this guy’s head, but your girlfriend, his ex, is a real person, with her own opinions and wishes.  And just because he wants to marry her, that doesn’t mean she has to say yes.  And the fact that they dated for three years is the whole point – they dated, they didn’t marry.  That means she never committed to him!  So she owes him NOTHING!

Now if this guy continues to threaten you or her, you might consider getting a police restraining order against him, so he has to stay away from you two.  But for now, my guess is that he’s just full of bluster, like a yappy dog who barks all the time but runs away whenever anyone comes close to them.  His ego’s hurt, but he’ll be okay, and move on eventually.

But again, fundamentally, all these other things aren’t what matters.  Someone wants to have their way with your girlfriend.  Support her, and say no. 

And the fact that the best way of supporting her, and saying no, is to keep on in this delightful relationship with the woman you love – well that’s just delicious!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you don’t know what your boyfriend or girlfriend wants from the relationship

Unemo asks: There’s this friend of mine. He liked me a few years back during high school but nothing happened and we lost contact after school. Two years back he got back into my contact. He initiated this friendship. We talked very occasionally. He used to call first. Recently we started to meet. After the third meet things changed between us. Things happened, but nothing extreme, and now I might have developed some feelings for him, I’m not sure though. Whenever I talk to him about dating, he never really says ANYTHING. Ever since we met after that third meeting, we have been getting more intimate, he has gotten more confident with his approaches. He’s never made me feel as if there was something special between us or if I was special. Once his friend video-called while we were together, and he asked me to hide my face and, hinting towards me, he told his friend that he was “busy” (we haven’t told anything to anyone). The thing is both of us have neither dated nor ever been in any sort of intimate relationship. And the video call act got me wondering if he ever really considered me even a friend, or was I just a potential intimate partner. I’m so confused. Really confused. How am I supposed to handle him? What am I supposed to do in this “friendship”?

Hi Unemo –

This is where humans make things so much more complex than they need to be.  If I want to know how someone feels about me, I jump onto them and lick their face.  If they like me, they’ll give me a hug, and if they don’t, they’ll push me away.  It works perfectly every time.

Now I get asked lots of times about how to find out if someone likes someone, but that’s usually someone more distant, like a classmate at school.  This guy is hanging out with you, talking intimately, sharing secrets.  He likes you!

What you don’t know is what he wants.  He might hope to marry you and have children and grandchildren with you.  And he might only want to be your best friend.  And for all I know, he might want to date your brother!

But it’s clear that he’s not saying, at least not yet.  So your job is to do what women have had to do with quiet guys for millennia – ask him!

Now you can do that a few different ways.  You could flirtatiously ask him how he looks at you, what he thinks of you, etc.  You could directly ask him, “Just what sort of relationship do you want with me?” (not very romantic).  Or you could ask him if he’s looking for a girlfriend and, if so, what sort of girl he’s looking for.  Or you could simply tell him you’re interested in him.  Or you could do my technique and just kiss him and see what happens.

Only you know what would feel right to you.  And you know him well enough to probably have an idea of what might be right or wrong with him.

But the one thing I know is wrong is to keep things the way they are, with you confused and frustrated.

And it looks like you’re the only one who’s going to change that.  So ask something, or do something.  Anything.

And whatever it is, and however he reacts, you’ll feel better afterwards than in this goofy situation!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone lies about you and your boyfriend or girlfriend believes them

Grv1011 asks: I am in a relationship with my love S. We both love each other and we want to marry, but her family is against me and my family. Let me explain in short but full story: 3 years of relationship; I had a friend in college, she and I were very frank, we even used bad words but just in a friendly way; My girl S read our messages and thought I’d cheated her, but she still loved me and stayed with me; after 2.5 year’s another friend of mine – she likes me and she was also my best friend – said she loved me a lot one day. Then she came to my city and asked me to meet. I was alone at home and refused. She kept requesting, and I accepted and ask her to come near to my home. But when i saw she was waiting outside my home with her elder sister (17) I got scared because my love S’s home is in front of my home. I thought her parents may have seen us and felt negative for me. I called her and asked her to come inside or go away; she came inside, stayed for a couple of minutes, and looked at my home – expect my room! One day I decided not to talk to her because I felt bad that my love may think or feel wrong. Then she called my girlfriend and lied to her that we had sex many times, in my room. But when I asked her about my room (conference call) she wasn’t able to describe it, since she never saw it. But then S believed her, and felt bad about our relationship. She stayed with me, but we fought daily. Then one day S’s cousin and his family told her parents about me and warned them to control S. Now they call her daily, blame her, and say she can’t marry me, because there’s no guarantee I won’t leave her, that they’d die first. So she’s frustrated, arguing with me all the time, and even talking about breaking up, and I’m afraid of losing her. Now please tell me, we both want to marry each other but these daily fights wear me down. Please reply with the solution. I want see her happy as we were.

Hi Grv1011 –

Wow, this is a crazy situation!  And there are lots of other elements here (such as family issues), but biggest of all is definitely the lie this other girl told your girlfriend.

And I can only come up with one solution to that one – you need to get the two of them into the same room at the same time.  NOT YOUR BEDROOM!

And I say that for two reasons – first, because asking them into your bedroom might look like you had something very different in mind!

But secondly, because for some reason, the fact that this girl couldn’t say what your bedroom looks like didn’t get through to your girlfriend.  And you need to make it clear.

Now if you can do this, if you can prove to your girlfriend that it was this other girl who lied and not you, that will help a lot.

But I want you to do something else then, as well.  You see, you were so worried about how things would look that you acted suspiciously.  There’s nothing wrong with meeting up with a friend outdoors in front of your home, so why would you worry so much about it?  If you hadn’t worried, if you’d just let it happen, then this girl might not have gotten in your front door, and it would be easier to prove things!  And even more so, if your girlfriend and her family had seen you calmly talking to this girl, as though nothing was wrong (which is true), maybe they wouldn’t have gotten so suspicious.

So find a way to get that girl and your girlfriend together, to clear this issue up!  And then, try to learn to relax more. 

After all, being innocent ought to feel good, right?!

And then we can start to work on this whole family thing!

All my best,

Shirelle

2 The Great Art of Happying — an easy step to a better life

The Great Art of Happying — an easy step to a better life

            You’re probably aware, I don’t know nearly as much English as I write – I just have this amazing computer program that translates my doggy thoughts into words you can read.  But I do have a pretty good ability to understand a few words – “Sit,” “Stay,” “Heel,” “GetAwayFromThatPlateKnuckleheadThat’sNotYourCheeseSandwich!” – and so on.  But sometimes I can do something kind of wonderful too: I can realize what someone’s saying and that they’re saying it incorrectly.  You know, like when a little child says “My dog’s a gooder dog than Shirelle” (which I don’t particularly like) or “Shirelle is the Bestest Dog in the World!” (which I love!)

            Maybe grammar teachers don’t like hearing that sort of creative word usage, but I do.  There’s something magic in it – like where someone means something so strongly, they need to make up new words to get it across.

So Handsome and I were talking with our friend Suraj.  He was excitedly talking about his upcoming marriage.  He comes from a culture where couples aren’t allowed to have any romantic contact before their wedding, so he’s not only thrilled about spending the rest of his life with this wonderful woman – he’s going nuts anticipating their first kiss! 

(I really have to bow down to their noble self-restraint in this.  I can’t wait more than a few seconds after meeting someone to put a big lick across their face, or at least on their hands if they’re scared of me, and that’s if they’re strangers!  The idea of not covering one of my best friends in smooches is pure impossibility!)

And then he said something that really caught my ear.  “The way I see it, people are really mistaken about marriage,” he explained.  “They think you have to be of the same class, or the same race, or even the same religion.  But you don’t.  What matters is that you know how to Happy each other.  And if you can Happy the other person, and the other person can Happy you, and you both like Happying each other, then it’s going to work forever.  It just has to.”

I glanced up at Handsome to see if he was going to correct Suraj’s wording, but instantly knew he wasn’t – the enchanted smile on his face was the same I’d have made if my lips worked that way.  Yes, Suraj was right – righter than he would have been with the right words.  And not just about marriage.

We dogs have fewer opportunities for pleasure than you humans do.  We don’t enjoy books, movies, fashions, spectator sports, driving, arguing politics, video games, or even color.  We get our joys from smells, eating, playing, barking at strangers, hunting, and eating.  Oh, and did I mention eating?

And of course both us species get great joy from being with those we love, and being held, scratched, petted, kissed, and all that, by them. 

But we also both get pleasures, and perhaps our greatest pleasures, by Happying others.  Especially those we love.  What’s better, getting hugged by Handsome when he gets home, or jumping all over him and sniffing and licking and nibbling on him?  (If you don’t know the answer, then you don’t know the frustration of trying to hold on to an excited dog – even if it’s a little mini-Maltese, you’re going to lose the battle!)  And what’s better, hearing a funny joke from your grandmother, or telling her a joke and seeing her break up in laughter? 

Handsome wrote about this in his book about me, talking about a time when he was very depressed and took me to a beach, where I started chasing birds I couldn’t hope to catch: “There comes that point, where the connection between individuals becomes so intense that one literally has a physical reaction to what the other experiences.  So while half the time I was ruminating about my lost life, the other half I was feeling the same release Shirelle was.  Or maybe better than hers.  That’s the best kind of love, where the adored is as happy as possible, but I’m happier at her happiness than she is, which is also far deeper than my happiness for myself can ever be.”

Yeah, blah blah blah, I know he gets wordy, but you get the idea – your joy at someone else’s joy is bigger than their joy.   In fact, it’s so big, it’s biggerer than even that!

So here’s my suggestion, for all of us. Think of your plans for tomorrow.  Hopefully you have some plans for things you just simply like – playing a favorite game, eating something good, meeting up with someone whose face you like.  And probably you plan some things you should do but don’t necessarily enjoy – homework, brushing your teeth, going to school or your job, paying bills.  And I hope you get to sleep (one of the biggest pleasures I forgot to list before)! 

But what about the rest of the hours you have?  Is there a way to Happy someone?  Wouldn’t it feel great to send someone an email to say you appreciate them?  To smile at a stranger who’s not as lucky as you?  To go visit that laughing grandmother and give her a hug?  To invite a lonely friend over for dinner?  Or, my favorite, to save just a little bit of your lunch and give it to a favorite pooch?

I’m not saying to skip out on your own pleasure.  But I promise you, Handsome gets more pleasure by giving me that little bit of pizza than he’d get from eating it (Though you can always remind him of this!  Please!  Anytime!  Because sometimes he’s dopey and forgets!). 

You’ve loved Happying others since the first time you realized that the smile you made when you burped made your parents and caregivers gush with joy.  All I’m suggesting is that you make it a bit more conscious.

When you go to pick up your girlfriend to take her to that boring chickflick she’s insisting on, bring her a flower you found in a park.  When you write your boyfriend to see how his studying is going for that big exam, add “You’re so cute I can’t stand it!” to your text.   And when someone you love is going through a tough time and needs space to figure their life out, respect it, but send them a kiss goodnight, with a wish they’re finding what they need.

0 What to do when you want to just disappear

arjai101 asks: At the moment, I’m trying my hand at disappearing. I wonder if people will ever notice I’m gone. If they’ll notice I haven’t texted them or asked them to hang out or just anything. You think and you strive and you hope that one day you’ll matter to people. One day someone will text you first or reach out to you first or invite you somewhere first or anything. Literally anything. I feel so alone all of the time. And I keep thinking to myself, what else can I do. You get the perfect weave and the tiniest waist and the perfect abs and posture and composure. You practice and practice the piano. Finally, you play Beethoven, Chopin, exhilarating sonatas. You have the grades. You’re funny. You can cook literally anything. You dress to perfection. Sometimes you swear strangers heads turn when you walk past. But none of it. None of it. None of it. NONE OF IT WORKS!! No matter how friendly you are, how well you master body language, how much you make people laugh. No one cares. They’ll always tell you they’re busy and “forget” to answer your texts and so on and so on. I’m so tired of feeling so alone. I’m so tired. I’m just so tired. Do I have to set myself on fire? Everyone can’t be that busy. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Hey arjai101! 

Well as I’ve said many times over, I don’t understand what’s with these people!  You are fascinating and exciting, and I’d imagine anyone would want you around.

But for some reason they don’t seem to.

And your letter does give me one thought about it.  You are a striver for excellence, and that’s fantastic.  But that will only get you respect, not friendship.

I would love to hear you play those sonatas.  But that would be true even if I didn’t know you – I just love beautiful music.  Your perfect muscles and posture make you a great model, and I’m sure the envy of many women around you.  And even your cooking and joking, which would sure make me want to have dinner at your home, might not be the key to a relationship.

And all this brings up the question – what IS the key? 

And I’m not sure I know!

I am sure that, at the least, mutual caring matters – everyone wants to be around people who care about them, and who they can care about.  And shared interests certainly matter (someone who loves classical music the way you do, for example, who you could join to see concerts). 

But I’ll add something else – good energy.  People love hanging around me because, yeah I’m cute and funny and lick their faces and such, but also because I have such a good energy around me.  I’m generally pretty happy, and I’m happier when I’m with them! 

So if you’re being nice to people, but waiting to hear back from them that they want to be with you, that can feel a bit pressuring.  And of course, the more this happens, the more you’ll distrust, so the tougher your energy gets!

So I’m going to throw out two wild ideas.  First, find

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is jealous of your friends

aarya asks: I’m a female in a relationship. Now I have a past – my ex used to abuse me if I ever committed a mistake. My present boyfriend and I have dated 10 months, and now since i study abroad we are in a long distance relationship. He has issues with a male friend of mine. This guy was my good friend, but since my boyfriend did not like him I stopped talking to him. But here I have no friends. Last month that friend of mine said sorry, and asked me to a movie with a female friend to join us. I was alone there, and my guy has no time for me. I had no friends and so if anyone and asked to be my friend, without a second thought I’d said yes. So when my boyfriend came to know, he humiliated me. I begged his forgiveness, but he said such wrong things. This was a month ago. Till yesterday he did not say a word to me, but yesterday he again started to curse me for lying. I know I made a mistake, but this is not the way. I don’t know how to handle this. It is affecting my studies. Please help. I’m tired of handling it all alone.

Hi aarya –

I know it’s spelled differently, but I find it interesting that I’ve been writing often lately about my friend Aria, a wonderful dog whose life is good now, but who has such trouble trusting and judging correctly, because of all the abuse she’s suffered in her past.

I think she’d relate to your situation very much.  But I don’t.  And that’s because I’ve been way luckier than you two – I’ve never been abused by anyone (though I have accused my human friend Handsome of it when he’s cutting my toenails!).

I understand jealousy, and understand that there’s a sort of compliment in it – “I’m so crazy about you I can’t stand you being with someone else!”  But it’s also selfish – “You can’t live your life because of my insecurities.” 

Now don’t get me wrong, if your boyfriend were upset because you were getting romantically involved with this friend, I’d be saying very different things here.

But my point is this: you’re lonely and bored, and had a chance to get together with some friends.  And this guy made that all about himself, and has since then cut you off, and then come back at you with angry accusations.

My friend, you’re being abused again. 

And you don’t deserve it.

Now here’s my big question to you.  Let’s say you get through this