0 Should I date someone who’s still married but working to end it?

Bubbles_101 asks: My boyfriend and I decided to live together. So I am in a relationship with a married guy whose annulment is an ongoing process. But my family and relatives are against it. They said that it would be better to do it in a legal way where he is already legally separated with his ex-wife. But the problem is my family and relatives don’t believe that his annulment is ongoing, and think that he might just be using me. So I am having a hard time thinking and considering everything that they have said. But all I ever wanted is to be with him. Since his a good guy and we both trust each other. We’ve been through a lot. We did wanted it to be legal, but what’s the point if you keep on hearing your family and friends that they don’t like him because his still married, they don’t like trust him because they don’t believe that his annulment is ongoing, they keep on bad mouthing him and degrading him. I feel so disappointed with my family for the attitude that they keep on showing to me. So I wanted your advice whether is it ok to live with him considering that my family and relatives are against it?

Hi Bubbles_101 –

Congratulations on finding someone you’re so crazy about! That’s always good! And I have a couple of different points of view on this one.

The first is the most simple: if he’s actually in the process of getting an annulment from his marriage, shouldn’t he have some proof – letters or forms showing it? Even though you trust him, you could ask to see them just so you can tell your family you have, as proof that it’s legitimate.

But the second is tougher. There’s a reason Continue reading

0 How to handle it when your boyfriend wants to hang out with his friends.

SelenaStupid asks: I feel left out and sad when my boyfriend hangs out with his friends. He doesn’t have many friends, plus there is this female friend that he hangs around. He gives me his attention so much. And he loves me. But it bothers me when he hangs around with her. Also I cannot ask him to lose his friends because he has so few. It bothers me. I need help

Hi SelenaStupid –

I don’t know, SelenaStupid, you don’t sound all that stupid to me!  Sounds to me like you’re very aware of the situation, and understanding of all sides!  Maybe I’ll just think of you as SelenaSmartButFrustrated!  How’s that!

I actually think you and he are in a pretty good place.  You know he loves you, and he shows you lots of attention when you’re together.  That’s great!  But you feel left out when he’s with his friends.

Boy do I relate to that!  My human Handsome loves me more than anything on this earth, but he goes out with his human friends all the time – often to places I can’t go, like movies and restaurants – but then sometimes he comes home and I can smell that he’s been playing with his friends’ dogs!  I’m not exactly jealous about that – I don’t get upset about him being with other dogs – but I do feel like I missed out.  After all, I love being with him, I love being with his friends, and I’d especially love playing with those other dogs, but I got left at home the whole time!

But you’re in a better position than I am.  I won’t be able to change his mind about seeing friends or going to places I can’t go.  At times he’ll choose to spend more time with me and not with them, but that’s another story.

But is that what you are saying you want?

I’m not sure if you’d like to be included more, when he’s with his friends, or if you just want him more to yourself.  It sounds like you accept the fact he needs those friends, so I’m wondering if you could maybe join in with them a bit more.  Not every time, but just some of the times that he spends with them.  I’m thinking that might take away some of the “left out” feelings.

But also, maybe you need to Continue reading

0 How to break up with someone kindly.

Mercy asks: I really need some relationship advice here. My boyfriend, a very sensitive, childish person who couldn’t use his brains once to think maturely, is getting on the very last of my nerves. You see, he is two years younger than I am. And we’ve been together for a year now. I just feel that I am not being heard at all. And I’m always wrong in an argument. I shouldn’t hang out with my best friends. God! So many restrictions. And he doesn’t trust me! It’s so frustrating! So I don’t wanna be in a relationship with him anymore. But the thing is, I am very emotional and I get sad just by the thought of what doom it might bring to him. So I’m just being miserable with no idea what to do. I desperately wanna get outta this relationship w/o much damage done. Really need some advice on how to do that.

Hi Mercy –

This is an ageless dilemma.  Most humans hope to commit to just one person in their lifetime, which means they have to either get rejected by, or break up with, every other person they ever get involved with.  Which is so tough, for both people, each time.  In fact, you’re in a better-than-average position, as you’re really fed up with this guy, not just feeling “he’s not the one” or “the spark is gone.”  But still, you’re asking how to break up with him in as kind and harmless a way as possible.  Which stinks EVERY time.

I go through this every morning.  You see, we dogs don’t have nearly the awareness of time that you people do, so when Handsome heads off to work, or to the gym, or to visit someone, and leaves me at home alone, I feel completely rejected.  He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t want me anymore, and he’ll never come home again so I’m trapped in here to starve: these are just what goes through my head every time.  Now as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more used to it, so I don’t believe it as much as I did when I was younger, but yeah, the thoughts are still there.

And this is why you’re feeling so sad: you relate!  You can be pretty sure that your boyfriend will have awful thoughts like that you don’t love him, you never loved him, you hate him, and that he’ll never find another romance as long as he lives.

But just like me, he doesn’t have to hang onto those beliefs too long.

The first question I need to ask you is what relationship you’d like to have with him.  So many humans say “Let’s be just friends,” but they don’t actually have any intent of speaking to that person ever again.  I prefer honesty, and he’ll want to know, so it’s important for you to choose, before you bring this up to him, just what you’d like.  (Of course, he may not accept what you request – you might hope to stay friends and he might say “Nope, you’ve hurt me and I have to avoid you for a while.”  And that’s perfectly okay, and you should respect that wish from him).

But once you make that choice, my belief is that you should be as clear and straightforward as possible.  The worst breakup Handsome ever did was with a woman who he wanted to understand that he really cared about – he just wanted out of the romance.  So he took her out for dinner, to a concert, had a wonderful night, and then told her he wanted to break up. She was horrified – she’d thought all his actions meant he was more committed than he’d been before! – and then spent years (yes, years!) telling people how he’d cruelly set her up in order to hurt her as much as possible.  This was all before he met me, but as far as I know, she’s still talking about it!

Instead, I suggest you do one of two things.  First you could Continue reading

0 When should you tell a date about your physical issues?

Jen asks: I read a post of yours which included the disclosure that your human Handsome had been out on a few dates with a girl with a prosthetic leg. She kept quiet before letting him know. I recall you indicated he did not think it was a big deal because he had liked her from the first moment. But the question is, would he even have gone out on the first date if she had disclosed that fact before they physically met? Would he have welcomed her, or ask for subsequent dates? And overall, does omitting certain physical facts make connections possible?

Hi Jen –

Well I can’t speak for other guys, but Handsome was really clear about this to her and to me at the time – it didn’t bother him in the least; he’d have been very happy to go out with her, knowing about the leg.  In fact, he found it pretty fascinating.

The fact is, everyone has things that bother them, about others.  I love most people, but sometimes I’ll meet someone and just start barking.  I don’t even know what it is – something about them triggers me.  Maybe they remind me of someone who hurt me in the past, I don’t know.

So yes, that woman had known lots of guys who had rejected her because of her leg.  But those same guys might go out with a woman who was rude to a server at their restaurant table, and been fine with it, while Handsome would never ask her out again.  (In his book about me, he wrote very proudly that if I were in a fancy restaurant, I might jump onto people and steal their food, but I’d never insult the waiter!)

But that doesn’t mean Handsome thought she was wrong not to have told him about her leg.  He realized (and talked with me about it a lot) that she’d simply had no choice – as she said to him, “When is the right time to bring this up?!”  There isn’t one.  As much as he wouldn’t have been bothered, there are other guys out there who might not ask out a woman with that issue, but would be willing to stay with her after they got to know how wonderful she was, regardless of the leg.

So if you have some issue like that, something you’re kind of afraid to tell people about at first, my best suggestion is to try different things.  See what happens if you tell them at the beginning, and what happens if you hold off till later.   Maybe you’ll find it makes no difference.  And maybe you’ll find people treat you very differently.

And if you think of it, I’d sure love for you to tell me what happens!  I’d be fascinated to learn what you discover!

Thanks!

Shirelle

0 How to get your sibling to live a better life

Cupcake11 asks: I’m having a problem again…I feel so helpless.. My brother is only 15 and he is completely detached from my family, I mean my mom and dad. He doesn’t talk to us properly, argues, and makes the other person cry. He gets angry very fast and then throws things here and there. I’m very worried for him because his only goal in life has become to hang out, or to own a bike or a car, or to be in power and bully, or to drive or to chill out with friends and friends who aren’t proper. His friends are all spoiled rich brats who drink, smoke, and bully people. And if someone messes up with them they use their power to torture them.. I feel my brother has a psychological issue. The way he reacts to things is very annoying and very scary at times.. He doesn’t listen to anyone. I went to have a heart to heart conversation with him and he got annoyed and started misbehaving. He doesn’t respect anyone older than him, and, God knows why, he thinks my parents love me more than him, when there’s nothing like that. Since he was kid he’s been stealing stuff and telling lies. My dad used to hit him, and probably that has made him so wild. He met with an accident twice but still he drives rashly. What can I do to get my brother to live a better life, and not a materialistic one?

Hi Cupcake11 –

Wow am I sorry!  This sounds incredibly difficult – for you, for your parents, and yeah, for him too!

My first thought as I began reading was “This is normal.”  Most teens go through some sort of rebellious phase, and 15 is a very normal age for that.  It can come out as just withdrawal from everyone, or as anger, or as this sort of misbehavior.  Sometimes it can be two of those, or all three!  But then you point out that some of this has been true for years – from his stealing and lying to being hit by your father.  And so it hits me – this is likely a deeper problem (in addition to the normal teen stuff).

Of course, lots of the time stealing is done just because someone wants something.  I am too honest a dog to pretend that I haven’t stolen food off of a dining table, or from another dog; I’ve done both quite a few times.  (And if you count eating out of the wastebasket, I’m a career thief!).

But when a kid does it a lot, it usually shows that he’s trying for power.  Same with lying – a little bit of lying to get out of trouble is no big deal, but if a kid does it often, it’s likely a way for him to feel in control more in life.

And when you mix those with what he said to you about you being the more loved one, I’m guessing that feeling has been there all his life.  “Cupcake11 is the favorite, she’s the one they always like, she’s the one they give stuff to.”  Even if they started out treating you both the same.

The problem is, once you start misbehaving out of that feeling, it begins to seem like it’s proving itself!  “See?  I got in trouble and she didn’t.  That proves they like her better!” (even if he’s the only one who broke any rules).

And then, sadly, after a while, that sort of behavior gets everyone to look at him just the way he thinks they do – as the troublemaker, as the “bad kid.”  And then it’s just about impossible for him to break out of this identity.

So you’re right to worry – he’s in a bit of a crisis.  The giant question is Continue reading

0 Why is my boyfriend or girlfriend acting completely hostile angry to me

dark horse asks: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months, but recently he has been acting out. Last I brought up something to talk about and he gave me shouting. I asked him about his friend and he told me to **** off and in return I asked why he was being rude, and he said **** off again. So do you have any idea what causes a 23-year-old boy to act so bizarre?

Hi dark horse –

My simple answer to you is that I have no idea what caused your boyfriend to act this way.  In fact, from what you tell me, there’s no way to find out.

Which means something very simple: It’s something else.

A few thoughts that go through my mind:

1) He believes something about you, that you said or did something, that is completely untrue.

2) He believes something about you, that you said or did something, you know about, but you don’t see in the negative way he does.

3) He believes something about you, that you said or did something, that you’re just not telling me!

4) He was under the influence of some substance – perhaps some medication or some recreational illegal drug – that led him to react this way.

5) He was bitten by a werewolf and is turning into one himself.

If it’s #4 or #5, my advice is that you were right to dump him and you should give him lots of space until he fixes whatever’s wrong and comes around to apologize.

But if it’s one of the first three, maybe a friend of his could tell you what’s up?

Sorry, but beyond those, I have no idea!  I’m very bright for a dog, but this would require my being a psychic at the least!

Good luck with it – I hope you get to find out anyway!

Shirelle

0 Why keep living when too many things go horribly?

teen asks: I’m quite heavily tired. I’m clueless, I even wanted to attempt suicide and if I die within these days, you don’t have any idea how much happy and peaceful I would feel. But I don’t know now what can I do, I tried everything, but nothing works anymore. It’s a long story: In short, I was in love with a sociopath for two years. I was depressed, my results study life degraded, but recently I got over that depression and I don’t miss him much anymore. I had never had the urge to understand my mother, I was rough, selfish, underestimating her all the time, but after my love life I understood her, I understood her feelings, emotions, her worries, her sufferings. Her love made me feel I need nothing as long as she is there with me and I wanted to love her back. I tried to help and chat with her, but in the middle of that my father died last November from kidney disease. I wanted to be with her all the time, I wanted to talk with her, be there for her, but I wasn’t stable myself for my father’s death. I didn’t give admission exams of universities but I did one exam 3 days after his death, and the result came that I failed. But after his death, my mother’s siblings started to treat her like nobody and hurt her in many ways; one of them even almost cursed her. So in that way mom was totally shattered into pieces. But it has been 3 years, and still she continuously despises me, and thinks I’m trying to get something out of her by acting loving in front of her. If I share something with her, she uses that as a time bomb, and hurts me by my sad past. She accused me of stealing money; she thinks I’m a devil. At first I used to curse her, then secondly I used slangs and thirdly I spoke back. But then my friends asked me to remain silent, and when I did she started to misunderstand me more! And as for remaining silent she beat me bad, she stopped giving me food. So I started to talk with her logically, I requested her to be nice with me but she doesn’t listen or believe. I always pray to God and say that from tomorrow I’ll be nice, but when the morning comes she always says something so harsh that I just go nuts. If I talk with her nicely she says I’m tricking her, if I give her proof that she is wrong she says I’m a liar. I ended up throwing a Jesus statue out of the window crying, and yelling to him why does he always ruin my plan to be a good person. I tore up my favorite things so that I can attempt suicide and there will be nothing left of my personal taste. I can’t fix it anyway. Look I know I’m bad, I’m not good, but why is this happening? Why can’t I change anything? The more I try the more she destroys me. She loves me I know, so then when I stop being nice or stop trying she pulls me back to her and talks with me and asks me to try, so then when I try she still scolds me like a mad dog without understanding anything. The main problem is that I try, but it never works. I’m tired of always crying everywhere. There are more things that went wrong but this will take a week if I start! Listen I know I have done wrong, but I have tried talking, working, being nice, everything I could but nothing works. Can you please please help me? I’m a little Internet-obsessed, every teen is now, but she always thinks I talk with men, she thinks I search for boyfriends; it hurts so much I don’t even use my fb account, never upload or take selfies of me, but she still calls me prostitute or something, My phone got stolen twice and she said she wouldn’t give me a new one, so I bought a 2nd-hand phone out of my savings from a guy, and she is mad at me for that. She says I want to convince a guy to have sex. I’m so speechless that I stopped talking with her; it has been 3 days. My sister came from her in-laws to stay at home for a few hours but I didn’t go to see of her, I was so scared of mom. Can you tell me what should I do?

Hi teen –

I do have a few things to suggest, but I think the most important thing for me to say is I Am SO Sorry!  I am sorry you’ve had to live with all this, I’m sorry about you losing your father, I’m sorry about your bad romantic relationship, and I’m especially sorry about your mother.

If there is one thing I’d love, it would be to see you guys go into family therapy.  This is such a difficult situation, and there is no way that you aren’t being wounded constantly by this treatment from your mom – who I’m sure feels victimized as well (and of course, just by the nature of losing her husband and then being treated that way by her siblings, she is!).

So if that’s possible, that’d be my favorite idea.  But if that can’t happen, then I really wonder if it’s not time for you to try to find another place to live.  It’s always hard for teens and parents to live together – you’re always going to get on each other’s nerves – but your case is far worse than most.  And if there’s a way for you to move out (maybe you could live with one of your sisters?), I think it would give both you and your mother a much-needed break from each other.  I’m not saying to cut off contact with her – in fact I think that would be a terrible idea right now – but if you could just see each other a few times a week instead of being on top of each other all the time, that would help a lot.

But I need to add something else here.  Everyone gets upset, everyone gets frustrated, everyone goes through grief and heartbreak.  I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer those things – you and your mother – but what scares me the most is Continue reading

0 How to give each of your children enough attention

MamaD asks: I am a mother of 4: 26, 24, 12, and 9. I also to care of my 2 grandbabies and 3 nieces and nephew. Now…my question is HOW DO I GIVE EACH ONE MY ATTENTION when they all want it at the same time!?. They always tattling and arguing with each other! They get me to the point where I bust out in tears!!!!

Hi MamaD –

I have no doubt that you’re right, that they all want your attention.  And that at least some of their misbehavior comes from their trying to get it.

But I have very bad news for you:  You’re only human.  And you’re only ONE human too.

So you can give each one your attention, but not all at once.  No one can.  (If anyone could, it’d be a dog, but even we can’t handle all this at once.  I’d be hiding under the table!)

So here’s my advice.  With your four kids, make a date night.  Let’s say it’s Wednesday.  So every Wednesday you have a dinner (or whatever works) with just one of those kids.  And once you’ve done one with each of them, you start over.  This way they’ll each get something like one night a month of you alone.  Then make another time when you can spend time with just the nieces and nephew – either all together or just some of them, but away from your children and grandchildren.  And then make sure you have time every day alone with each of those grandbabies!

Now to do this, you’ll have to pre-plan a lot.  Who’s going to take care of everyone else while you’re off with the 26-year-old?  Who’s in charge when you’re with the nieces and nephew?

And the rest of the time that you’re with all these kids, you’ll need to make some rules.  Such as that any argument results in BOTH arguers getting sent off alone for ten minutes (or, for the older ones, maybe an hour).  You simply can’t handle all this chaos at once.

But again, that involves pre-planning.  This is what we dogs are TERRIBLE at.  So I can’t tell you exactly how to do it, but it’s the only solution I see!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

ps: And congratulations!  As much trouble as they must be, how wonderful to have all these kids!!!

0 How to set a boundary when you’ve been too nice

Leeeee asks: My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for a year now, and we decided I should move in with her. So I’m staying with her now. She recently went for an interview where she works and she didn’t get the job, and was hurt because that was basically her position. So I tried to cheer her up, which helped a lot. Now she asked me if it was okay if she had to apply to another city far from where we live. I told her I would not have a problem with that, just because I don’t want to hold her back (Bear in mind we have big plans together). Now seeing she is going to apply to it, does this not mean she is being selfish or not? It seems as if I shouldn’t have moved in with her, because she is already thinking of going, but I just moved in 2 days ago. Should I just relax? I love this woman, but does she love me the way I love her?

Hi Leeeee –

Of course I don’t know exactly how your girlfriend feels about you – or about anything else – but I do see one big problem here. And I hate to say it, my friend, but the problem I’m seeing is in you.

You point out that she was really hurt about not getting that one job. And then she found a possibility for another in another town. And then she asked you if it was okay with you for her to apply to it.

And you said you didn’t have a problem with her doing that.

And now you’re asking if she’s being selfish, or if you shouldn’t have moved in with her?

You’re stuck between two kinds of thinking. One is that you want to be nice and supportive, so of course you say yes when she asks about doing something she wants. Then the other is that you’re bothered she’s considering moving away so quickly.

But all she did was ask.

I love nice people, but this is a case where you were TOO NICE for your own good. You needed those two halves of your brain to talk – the one that wanted to please her and the one that wants her to stay – before you answered her question.

Maybe she was really hoping you’d say “No, please don’t go,” and now feels a little rejected by you. Maybe she wishes you offered to move with her if she gets the job.

Again, I don’t know what’s going on in her head. But I do know this. You have to make up your mind what you want to be in this relationship – the supportive cheerleader no matter what, or the partner who needs her close by no matter what. And once you decide, you need to talk with her again. And maybe the talk will go like “I know I said I was okay with you moving, but I now realize I’m not,” or maybe it’ll be “Let’s talk about how we’ll manage to stay together if you get that job.”

But whatever it is, you need to come from one place, and one place only. For her sake, and for the sake of your relationship.

We dogs are great at that, but that’s mainly because our brains aren’t capable of having as many thoughts as yours at one time. For you, this will be a bit of work.

And if this relationship lasts, as you so clearly hope, that work will pay off for DECADES!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to react when it seems like everyone is ignoring or rejecting you

Cupcake11 asks: There’s more to the story I told you before. It all started when my best friend didn’t tell me that she was gonna break up with her boyfriend. She told me when I questioned her, and what hurt me was that she had considered my opinion which I had stated months ago and didn’t even find the need to ask me once about what exactly I meant. Instead she listened to her other best friend who had betrayed her once. It broke my heart to hear that. And then 3 days later, I found out that she patched up with her boyfriend. Her getting influenced by that best friend of hers made me mad, and she tried convincing me – and in the end I did get convinced, thinking that she would give up on me and leave me. Now when things went wrong in my family, when my brother didn’t support me – even when I was right he supported his girlfriend and my uncle has been demotivating me by calling me ugly fat and useless and says I can’t do anything in life – when I got frustrated I thought of reaching out to my best friend, but she was sending one word replies or emoticons (which upset me because I was in a very emotionally vulnerable state) and 2 days later she texted “I’m sick I can’t talk to u over the phone,” and she started asking me questions instead, like if my uncle was seriously saying that and how I should tell my brother to take a stand for me, but she didn’t send a single comforting message. I felt very bad and decided not to tell her anything, and instead just formally talk to her. Please tell me what to do. She is a bit conservative, but whenever she needed me I was always by her side comforting her, and now when I needed her the most she wasn’t there.

Hi Cupcake11 –

Yes, this is TOUGH!  So much at once, all seeming to express the same thing – that you can’t trust at all.

And yes, we ALL have times like that, when the world is just plain weird, and we feel just that alone.  (Well, except for what your uncle said to you.  That bothers me a lot.  I wish I could come over and bite him so hard I rip the seat of his pants out, so you can then say to him “Well it looks like you’re fat and ugly and useless, and it looks like you can’t do anything in life – you can’t even sit down, jerk!”)

But the worst thing about going through these times is that we end up over-sensitized, to where we expect the worst, and see everything in a bad way.

So I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be upset about all these people not being there for you.  But I do want you to try thinking the complete opposite way.

And that might be difficult!

So, for example, what if you thought, “Hmm… my best friend had a good reason to think that her ex-bestie would know more about her problem with her boyfriend than I would, and hoped that talking about him would improve their relationship.”  Might that feel a bit better?  And “My brother is scared that if he doesn’t support his girlfriend she’ll leave him, so he had to put on a show for her, even though he knows I’m right.”  Or “My best friend is so ill she can’t even text full sentences, and doesn’t even have it in her to support me right now.”

Now none of these is going to feel great.  But what they all can do is shift you from seeing each of these situations as being about something negative toward you.

And I’ll throw in myself too.  You wrote me this letter, but then wrote me again when I didn’t get back to you for a day. Normally it can take up to a week for me to respond to letters from pack members, and yesterday was even more odd because Handsome’s phone broke down and everything went crazy around here.  So, truly, my not getting back to you had nothing to do with how much I care about you.

But I’m not saying you were wrong to feel sad about not hearing from me.  Sure, just the way I feel sad when Handsome’s not home (or he’s all frustrated about his busted phone!).

We each want to feel important, and there are times when stuff is going on in so many of the lives of those we love that we feel like we’re always lower priority.  But that doesn’t mean that those people don’t care about us, and love us, and want the best for us.  It’s just that they have other things (like romances and illnesses and busted phones) that they have to pay attention to first.

And of course, you will have times you do the same.  A friend calls you when you’re cramming for an exam, or when you’re at a family event, and you just can’t be there for them in the way you’d most like to.

A big part of loving someone is accepting them completely.  Which includes the parts of them that can’t be there for you.  I have learned to love Handsome when he’s working, when he’s on a date, when he’s watching a movie.  Now I’ll admit, I’m a lot happier with him when he’s playing catch with me or kissing my tummy or throwing treats my way.  But as frustrating as it is, I have learned to love and accept and trust him the rest of the time too.

If there’s a lesson in this rough time for you, it sounds like you’re getting that same lesson right now.  And it’s a good one – you won’t believe how much happier you’ll be once you’ve grasped it!

Big face-licks,

Shirelle

ps: Though I’m still not cool with what your uncle said.  Maybe there’s a way for you to love him still, but I’d have to know more to encourage it.  For now, I’d just work on accepting and loving all the rest of these people.  And maybe avoiding him when you can.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…