0 What to do if someone acts like you don’t matter

Deepunikki asks: My partner and I are always having fights because he isn’t giving much importance to me. I’m so worried about it. Even if I tell him, he isn’t understanding. How can I find a solution for this?

Hi Deepunikki –

I have two answers for you, because I don’t know you or your partner.  Either might be right, or even both possibly.

My first is based on you being completely accurate in how you see the situation.  You’ve been trying to express your feelings, and your partner just doesn’t get it.  They don’t treat you as though you’re even relevant.  They don’t call when they say they will, or even text, they ignore you when they’re with you, they never take you into consideration when they make decisions… is this sounding kind of right?

My second is based on lots of misinterpretation.  Your partner actually does take you into consideration, but not in ways that make you feel cared for.  They show affection in ways that don’t mean much to you, but pay too much attention to their friends, their family, their work, for you to feel cared for.  And when you talk to them about feeling ignored, they ignore that – either literally not noticing what you’re saying or treating it as you being over-dramatic.

Could that be the case?

Well, I guess I’m changing my mind.  Both of these scenarios lead me to the same answer, which is that your relationship isn’t working right now.  And you need to Continue reading

0 How to get someone you like to want to keep talking with you

thelittleangel asks: A guy I like goes to a different school. I started talking to him today over text (since it’s summer) and I had an amazing conversation with him and I think he’s finally interested in talking to me since he would reply fast and ask questions of his own. How can I get him to keep wanting to talk to me? And maybe even text me first?

Hi thelittleangel –

Well, my easy first answer is “Keep doing what you’re doing because you’re doing great!”

But I do have one other thought. Have you ever heard of Scheherazade? I don’t know whether she was an actual person or not, but legend has it that she was to spend a night with a king, who was known for having a woman a night, then killing her, then having another the next night. When it was her night, though, she came up with the great idea of telling him a story, but cutting it off right at the most exciting part. This way, he needed to keep her alive so he could hear the rest of it the next night. She kept doing this for 1001 nights. At this point, he was so in love with her, he made her his queen. Her stories are now referred to as The Arabian Nights or The Thousand and One Nights, and include many the whole world loves, like Aladdin and Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.

Now I certainly hope this guy you like isn’t quite as bloodthirsty as that king! But just like Scheherazade, you have a strong interest in keeping him interested. So maybe you can take a hint from her, and have delightful conversations with this boy, but always leave him curious, wanting more. The occasional “Oh I have to go, my friend just wrote me with an emergency. Can we talk tomorrow?” will almost guarantee that he’ll write. Or you’re telling him about the funniest thing that happened today, but just before you get to it, “Whoops, sorry, gotta go! Later!”

Now if you do this too much, he’s certain to catch on, so I wouldn’t say to do it every day. But a bit of this is great.

And of course, I’m guessing you’d also like to have contact with this guy beyond texting. So how do you get that? Well, hint-dropping never hurt. “I sooooooo wanna see Incredibles 2, the first was like my favorite movie as a kid!” just might encourage him to ask you out to it. Or “There’s nothing I love more than pizza!” (Though I tell Handsome that on a daily basis and he almost never takes me out for it!)

It really comes down to two tricks, thelittleangel. First, put some effort into keeping him interested and curious, like Scheherazade. But secondly, trust that you’re already interesting. He’s shown he thinks you are! Be confident, and make him come to you just a bit, while letting him know you’re friendly.

Oh and if you have a dog, you could always tell him how wonderful that pooch is. Then he’ll just have to find a way to meet your four-legged delight!

Good Luck and HAVE FUN!

Shirelle

0 How to live up to a crush you see as perfect

PERFECTION asks: I kinda have a crush on my friend. She’s actually the kind of girl that’s very responsible, intelligent, good, and I could even say she’s PERFECT and I was thinking, If I’m going to pursue her, shouldn’t I be just like her?

Hi PERFECTION –

You know, PERFECTION, perfection is an interesting thing. There is such a thing as perfection in mathematics, in physics, even in chemistry. But I think it ends there.

After that, what we call “perfection” is actually subjective. Some people say they hear perfection in the cleanliness of a Mozart sonata; others might hear it in the messiness of a jazz improve or a hard rock jam. Some see perfection in a simple elegant church tower, others in that wild Frank Gehry museum in Bilbao.

And when it comes to other living beings, it’s completely subjective. The woman you call perfect will be, to another person’s eyes, uptight and boring. And the person they call perfect might be, to your eyes, troublesome and irritating. People often say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well I promise you, perfection is too.

And in the easiest example I can give, my human Handsome is very open about it: he thinks little children are perfect, he thinks animals are perfect, but he thinks the greatest example he’s ever seen of what he calls “Superhuman Perfection” is… me.

Now no one knows my flaws better than he does. He cleans up my shedding hairs, he has scars from my biting him and tripping him as a puppy, he has weakened hearing from my barking in his ears, and he’s the one who cleans my poop up in the yard.

And yet, still, he says I’m perfect.

Meanwhile, I know his flaws. I’ve seen him make horrible mistakes in his life, I’ve been in the car when he lost control and crashed it, and I can’t tell you how many times he’s accidentally stepped on my tail. But still, I see him as perfect too.

You see, when we really love something or someone, it’s perfect. Because you’re seeing past any imperfections and appreciating what is. Do you know what “continuity errors” are in movies? Where there’s a mistake that means one shot doesn’t fit with another? (Like let’s say someone’s in the same scene but wearing a different shirt in different shots – though it’s usually a lot subtler than that). Handsome will gladly point out those errors in his favorite movies. But then he’ll tell you he wouldn’t change a thing – they’re just part of the perfection.

What’s imperfect about a flower? A mouse? A cloud? It can’t be imperfect, it just is itself.

So this girl – you say she’s intelligent, responsible, and good. And you’re thinking you want to be just like her? Well, I’d say that what you really are experiencing is Continue reading

0 How to help teens whose parent won’t let them date

ChilliPepper asks: My son (17) has fallen in love with a beautiful young lady (also 17). She seems to be going through depression because of circumstances at home. Now her mom has forbidden her from seeing my son. This is breaking her heart as well as my son’s heart. My son is the only reliable solid in her life at the moment. She wants to run away from home and has even considered suicide. I don’t know what to say to my son to comfort him or what to do to help her.

Hi ChilliPepper –

What a terrifying situation! For all of you!

I’ll be honest with you – I don’t think there’s a perfect answer to this. I imagine you and your son would get into trouble for helping her run away, and her suicidal feelings make it dangerous for her to stay home.

But I do know what I can recommend. And I’ll warn you, it’s very very hard.

I’d suggest you Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize your relationship is over

Deadpool asks: I was in a kind of relationship with this girl, though we never labelled it. We both said we love each other, the first 2-3 months gave me the best feeling in the world; however after that it has not been good. When you are into a person so much you might not realize small changes in them, but I surely know things are not the same. We text each other just as a formality now; tired of all this I left the particular social media on which we were talking without telling her, and she didn’t even call or text me to know why. I don’t know why there are these changes when nothing bad happened between us. I always try to make her happy. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Deadpool –

I have some very sad news for you.

Do you ever watch those medical TV shows, where a surgeon is trying desperately to save someone’s life, and their heart has stopped but the surgeon keeps madly pressing on it over and over, screaming to the other doctors that there’s still a chance, but that computer behind them shows that there’s no heartbeat, that the pulse is just a flat line going across, emitting a cruel steady beep?

It sounds to me like this relationship of yours has flatlined.

That doesn’t mean it was bad or wrong, or that there’s anything wrong with you or your girlfriend.  It just means it’s Continue reading

0 What to do when a relationship just isn’t working

Black coco asks: I have been in a relationship for 6 months and more. My BF and I are quiet people, but we have our fun and actually make a great team. We usually fight and argue just like any other couple (never gets physical), sometimes we don’t speak and just ignore each other, and I guess we are both too proud to admit either is wrong. I feel so lonely sometimes and it consumes me psychologically. I love him but I think I need to take a break. During this non-talking period I sat down and thought about so many things and I feel like I am tired. It’s not good to compare, but my ex made me feel wanted and never let me get this lonely. I don’t want to waste my boyfriend’s time and neither do I want to waste mine. We are in the same class doing law and he is a good time, but we often have these moments and they are becoming monotonous. I don’t have so much attachment to people so I can’t really find someone to tell. I thought about calling my ex and talking as friends, but his phone is off. Please help me – what should I do?

Hi Black coco –

As I love to point out, you humans have the most complex relationships!  We dogs just love or dislike or fear (and hardly ever dislike).  And if I like someone and they like me back, we’re good.  End of story.

That’s not you guys!

One thing about this website, unless the writer tells me specifically, I never know the ages of the people that write in.  And if you were twelve or so, I might think that this is a great opportunity to learn more about yourselves by talking things out and seeing where it all goes.

But you’re studying law, so I’m going to assume you’re in your twenties or so.  In other words, you’re fairly grown-up.  And so you probably have at least some sense of what life you want for your future.  Marriage?  Kids?  Freedom from both?

And my answer to what you should do is all based on that.  If you Continue reading

0 How to handle parents unable to accept romance between races AND What to do when someone treats you differently after drinking

Marina asks: I am going through something. It’s so stupid but I don’t know what to do. For about a year me and this guy had something going on. We never made a move because he is black and I’m white and my parents would freak out. We kind of moved on and he has a girlfriend now. We still talk a lot, because we just have this connection. Always making awkward eye contact. Two weeks ago we were both drunk and we kissed. I realized I didn’t care what my parents thought and that I wanted to be with him. Long story short, he said we could be together but just keep it quiet until he sorts things out with his girl. Last night I drunk dialed him and asked him like what now? Like it’s been two weeks? He just said “we can talk tomorrow”. But I haven’t heard a word. I feel hurt and yeah I don’t know what to do?

Hi Marina –

Well there are two stories here, two very different stories!

The first one, about you and a man of a different race getting attracted to each other, but holding off because of your families, is of course as old as storytelling.  Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner… these stories of love beyond boundaries will live as long as people insist on believing in their differences.  (For what it’s worth, I don’t know my parents, but I am a mutt, so I certainly have nothing against interracial romance!)

In this day, parents getting upset about racial differences feels a bit silly.  Handsome loves to tell about a cousin of his in Kansas, as pink-white and Germanic-looking as any woman has ever been, who had a child with a man of full-African background.  Her grandmother was very upset, fearing that no one would accept the child socially.  But all this was happening during an election in which the child of a white woman from Kansas and a black man from Africa was being elected as the President of their country!!!  (Needless to say, that little girl has grown up just fine, and even been a magazine cover-model!)

So if things were to work out between you and this guy, my advice would be to treat your parents with loving patience, but slowly pull them into the 21st Century, and accept that these differences just don’t meant what they once did.

But then there’s the second story:  What the Heck!  I hate to say it, but it sounds like this guy’s one of those humans who’s a different person when he’s drinking.  There’s a great old movie called City Lights about a poor tramp who befriends a millionaire with a drinking problem; whenever the millionaire is drunk, he sees the tramp as his best friend and welcomes him into his home, but once he’s sober, he forgets he knows him and kicks him to the street – and this repeats over and over.

Now I might be wrong; maybe there’s something else happening with this guy.  But if I’m right, and anything does move forward with you two, I have some very strong advice: either get him to stop drinking, or never again believe what he says when he’s intoxicated.  Some people are extra-friendly when they’ve had a few; some people are mean; this fellow sounds like he’s not dangerous, but just untrustworthy.

Or to put it a different way, we all know it’s bad to let your friends drive a car when they’ve been drinking, right?  Well, let’s say this guy shouldn’t drive a relationship in that condition either!

I’d love to hear where this goes.  But for now, my only advice is to sit back and see what happens.  You’ve done everything right so far.  It’s now all up to him.

Thanks again!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone wants to go further than you want

adds mguire asks: My boyfriend is a little older than me and is ready for more things than I am. He is very understanding, most of the time. Others not so much. He is sometimes very persistent and wants to do things I’m not ready for. I tried to be nice and try something out that he liked but all it did was end up making me feel distant and violated. He was very apologetic and all he wanted to do was make it up to me. I don’t know if I should voice my feelings or just avoid that situation again.

Hi adds mguire –

Okay, let’s get your last question out of the way first:  As long as he stays your boyfriend, you won’t be able to “avoid that situation.”  “That Situation” is called him being interested in you and desiring you, and you can’t avoid it any more than my human friend Handsome can avoid me being interested in food.  If I’m around, he’s dealing with it.

So my wish is that, yes, you voice your feelings.  Big!

But I also want you to do it in the right way.

One of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written (you can find it on the AskShirelle website) is to a question from HarrietteS, about how to deal with a date’s advances.  Now in her case (or, as I explain in my answer, in MY case), this wasn’t a serious boyfriend, but rather just an attracted male.  But my main point remains for your situation as well: it is vital that you realize your rights to your own body, your own feelings, your own wishes.  Sure you love him and want to make him happy, but there are lots of ways to do that (cookies are great!).  And you’re only saying that there are things you’re not ready for – not that you would never want to do them in the future – so there’s no reason for him to doubt what the relationship could sometime become.

The problem I often see in situations like this, when the girl (or woman or boy or man – whoever’s feeling pushed beyond their comfort level) is  able to state their boundaries, is that the pursuer ends up feeling shamed.  Like there’s something wrong or bad in your boyfriend’s desires.

There’s not.  Not at all.

So what I want you to do is to tell him just that.  “I know you want things, and I love that you do.  I love that you’re attracted to me, and want to have these experiences with me.  And I want to make you happy.  But as we’ve already found, if I’m pushed beyond where I’m comfortable, it does awful things to me, and hurts our relationship, and even makes you feel bad.  So can we just slow down?  Not stop, I love your touch and your affection.  But slow down how fast we move forward?”

If he loves you, and it sounds like he does, I think he’ll be able to accept that just fine.

Then, I want you to keep that promise.  So how do you do that?  Well, here are some thoughts:

• Give each other massages. Neck and Shoulder rubs are great, very loving, and quite intimate.  Then you can move forward to other levels – like feet!
• Try taking a long walk holding hands. And then just touching your index fingers together, and then each of your other fingers, for a long time each.
• See how long you can sit and just look into each other’s eyes. It’s okay to blink, but looking away’s against the rules.  What do you see in each other’s face?  How many colors are there?
• Turn out the lights so there’s absolutely no light in the room, total darkness, and sing to each other. Just focus on the sounds of each other’s voices.
• Make up your own ideas of what you’d like to do together, and tell each other the stories. I don’t mean just about sex or such, but like “We ride horses up into the mountains and sleep under the stars, and in the morning a light rain wakes us and we ride through it till we’re both soaked to the bone.”

Do you see where I’m going?  It’s actually fun  to slow things down.  And can be for both of you.

There’s a great old song Handsome likes that talks about this beautifully…

Let’s take it nice and easy

It’s gonna be so easy

For us to fall in love

Hey baby, what’s your hurry

Relax and don’t you worry

We’re gonna fall in love

We’re on the road to romance

That’s safe to say

But let’s make all the stops

Along the way…

I envy you how much fun this ought to be!

Shirelle

0 Should a young woman stay with an older widower?

sapearl asks: I am 24 years old, in a relationship with a 42-year-old widower (which I am not so comfortable with). I love him but he does not trust my love for him, he fears my family won’t welcome him and I might leave him one day. We have stopped taking to each other for a few days now over a minor issue. Recently my family member has been pressuring me about marriage, so I mentioned my boyfriend to them but they didn’t welcome the ideal since he is a widower. They prefer I meet another guy and get married. I am confused what do I do. I already know my boyfriend’s family, we plan to marry in two years time, and my leaving him would break his heart. Should I get another guy? I can’t even discuss the situation with my boyfriend because we are having some problems.

Hi sapearl –

My friend, you’re finding yourself in the sort of complex relationship issue we dogs never face.  We like someone or we don’t.  We might question whether to trust them or not, but our brains just aren’t big enough to have all these competing feelings and opinions.  And as much as we envy your abilities to think and compose and buy groceries, this is one area where I don’t envy you guys at all!

So it strikes me that the key here is to break down the issues one by one.

First, you are “not so comfortable” about dating someone eighteen years older than you, who’s had a previous marriage that ended when his wife died.

Second, he doesn’t trust that you love him.

Third, some minor issue has made you two not speak to each other for a few days.

And fourth, your family is pressuring you to look for another man, not liking that this one’s a widower.

That’s a LOT!

So I want to ask you first, just how you Continue reading

0 What to do when someone feels unworthy of you.

Devikas asks: Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for more than an year now. He says he is insecure that he doesn’t deserve me. I have tried to make him understand that he does, and he tries to understand, but still that thing is stuck in his head. One thing that we both are sure about is that we love each other. What should I do to make him understand that he deserves me?

Hi Devikas –

I’m kind of torn by how to feel about this.  On one hand, how sad that he feels so undeserving.  But on the other, how sweet that he feels you’re so far above him!

Shame is a very normal human quality – the belief and feeling that you are unworthy of love, somehow less than others.  I’d argue it’s almost impossible to find a person who doesn’t have at least some of it (We dogs don’t, but that’s because our brains aren’t as big as yours and don’t have much self-reflection).  But this seems to be a very specific case – he’s not just feeling unworthy in general; he’s feeling unworthy of the woman he loves, and who loves him back.

So I want to ask one big question:

Why?

If he just felt in general, “I don’t know what you see in me, how I got so lucky!” then he’d be saying the same thing my human friend Handsome and I say to each other every day.  But he seems to feel something more.  Which makes me wonder if there isn’t an actual reason.

Let’s say he did something in the past he’s very ashamed of.  Let’s say he has a disease or a condition he hasn’t told you about.  Let’s say he has feelings he thinks are wrong or sinful.

And the only way to resolve this will be for him to take the biggest risk of his life – to tell you about whatever it is.  And find out if you can still accept him – or not.

So the one thing you can do to help this is to Continue reading