Category Archives for "Teens"

0 How to try veganism safely

Wooff asks: I’m thinking of going vegan. My family is not on board with this idea mainly owing to the fact they think this life style is damaging. I’ve completely cut off beef from my diet and I don’t consume pork anyway. I really want to study abroad for my university and I’ll be living alone then. I think I’ll try going vegan then. What do you think about the vegan life style? I’m willing to wait 2 more years before I can go vegan because of my parents but what do you think I should do?

Hi Wooff –

You are so sweet to always refer to me as a person, but of course you know I’m not. And we dogs are very carnivorous. In the wild, we and our wolf ancestors pretty much live exclusively on animals we catch or find. That’s the way our systems work best.   Yes, you’ll see exceptions all the time – most dogs love carrots, and of course you’ll see us eat grasses a lot when we’re feeling nauseous – but in general, we are hunters.

You humans are much more complex in this area. Over the millennia you’ve been around, you’ve developed very complex and varied diets, largely dependent on your locations and your cultures. The hunter-gatherer peoples ate somewhat the way we dogs do, though bringing more fruits and vegetables in than we tend to. The agrarian peoples developed brilliant and insightful farming skills, not only raising grains and such but even using animals in ways other than for meat, such as eggs and milk products.

These systems worked just fine in their times and in their places. But today, everything has shifted.

First of all, of course, as long as one has the economic means, they can eat pretty much any diet they like anywhere. Living in northern Europe doesn’t mean you’re stuck with what you can find or hunt, and living in Russia no longer means you must eat a potato-based menu every day. Grocery stores everywhere sell oranges and tuna and chocolate chip treats. You can eat what you like. It’s just fantastic!

On the other hand, these advances have also created lots of problems. The changes in wheat in numerous parts of the world (such as the United States, where I live) have made it far cheaper, more plentiful, and longer-lasting, but also resulted in many allergies and illnesses that we didn’t see before (Some even see a tie between wheat gluten and Autism, which, if ever proven, could really change things a lot). And while we’ve eliminated a lot of the problems people used to have with meats going bad, our factory farms have also created all sorts of horrible health issues from hormones and antibiotics in the food to Mad Cow disease.

What’s the answer?!

Well, there’s no absolute one. But I do know two things. And those are the only advice I can really give you.

One is that Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone harassing you on social media

Reena asks: Four years ago, I had joined a job (mom had told me to work there temporary), but honestly it was more than a year and I got stuck there because we needed the money. The place was making me miserable because I wanted to join Aviation back then and because the money there wasn’t good. I couldn’t even mask my feelings anymore and it showed in my body language and some colleagues knew that something was wrong with me. This became apparent to my Trainer too, who assumed that I’m dealing with a breakup! There’s a saying here in India, “We as Indians love to do two things. 1st stare at people, 2nd assume things about people”. To add to it, some people in the batch told my trainer some good things about me and then this guy started chasing and dropping hints shamelessly that he wanted to be friends. He gave me the impression of being a terribly lonely person because no one in their right mind decides that you have become their best friend overnight. It takes time, it’s a process. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m not friendly but honestly I didn’t want to be friends with this guy for a number of reasons. Things that I had observed about him during training: He had intimacy issues, he wasn’t comfortable with emotions. He could be very cold to you, if it wasn’t his need (selfish). He could lie shamelessly to protect himself (manipulative). If you and he are not on the same page in life, he won’t even make an attempt to understand where you’re coming from. He just can’t understand why you are like that (lack of empathy)! I saw all these things, never said a word but decided, I don’t want this guy in my life at least. I used to royally ignore him but he just didn’t want to take a hint and leave me alone. Of course it hurt the irrational male ego. He wouldn’t let go. He started cornering me in class, asking questions he knew I wouldn’t be able to answer, damaged my reputation at work, telling people that I’m selfish and insensitive. To be honest, Shirelle, if he had ever come to me, told me like an adult that he wanted to talk to me, we could have sat and had a mature adult conversation where he could be transparent about his intentions and tell me upfront what he was looking for and I could honestly tell him that I’m not on the same page in life, not looking for the same things as him. I could tell him that if he is trying to move on from me, I could help him. I would be able to genuinely respect this guy. But no, that hurts the male ego. He wouldn’t do that. He would rather use indirect tactics, talk behind my back, make faces when I passed by, lie shamelessly, etc. Today, we’ve both left that job. However, he has now started to attack me on Facebook. Back then, he was telling people that he wants to help me out of humanity because it looks like I’m dealing with problems, he has no other intentions (remember, manipulative). Trust me, I am genuinely fed up of this guy who won’t take a hint and leave me alone. I want absolutely nothing to do with him. He is pretending like he doesn’t want to be friends with me but he complains about me saying I’m not very social blah blah blah. I don’t care. He is very immature and I don’t know how to get rid of him. Please help. I will not reciprocate, that is 110 % sure. However, if he needs my help to move on, I can definitely help.

Hi Reena –

I’ll be happy to help you, but I’m going to jump on your case on one issue first. As a dog, I tend to see people as all the same, or as individuals. Most broad-brush statements about groups (all women are emotional, all Americans are loud) I find incorrect and often really wrongheaded. Now I completely understand how a woman has to deal with the worst qualities of men, especially in the workplace. But I can promise you, from everything I’ve seen, men do not have a monopoly on fragile egos! I’ve seen women pull just the same garbage this guy is doing, and I know that when people read your question, some of them (particularly the men) will pull back, and relate less to you, because you keep talking about male egos. So while I fully agree that this guy’s ego is running things, and much of it may be about his bruised sense of masculinity, I’d love you to be careful about making statements like that.

Well, except if you’re talking about cats. Then you can say they’re all sneaky and stupid and smelly and…

Ah well, back to your question.

Okay, this guy is AWFUL!!! I don’t blame him for being quiet or shy or even unempathic, and I certainly don’t blame him for trying to be friends with you (oh if I worked there, I’d be sniffing around your chair, jumping up on you, nipping at your shoes every day!). But he is being a total jerk right now. No two ways about it.

So maybe there was something you could have done better last year. Maybe it would have been best to talk to him more directly, like “Hey it seems to me you’re wanting to have a closer friendship with me than I’m comfortable with. I appreciate it, but I’m sorry I can’t do that right now.”

Or maybe not. I don’t know.

But you have a very different problem now, and it needs to be dealt with. But how to deal with it is tough. Here are a few possibilities:

Continue reading

0 How a teen can best deal with their parents’ divorce

paytay143 asks: I’m 18, and about to be a sophomore in college. And I don’t even know where to begin. I came to you once for advice about an issue with my boyfriend and it really helped so much. So now I’m here again. But this time, the issue I’m having revolves around my parents. You see, my parents are in the middle of a very nasty and ugly divorce. It started really in the fall of last year. So not exactly great timing for me, as things between my parents escalated right as I was starting my first year of college. You see my dad is somewhat of a functioning emotionally abusive alcoholic. And he has never once treated my mother the way she deserves to be treated. I could go on and on about how horrible it was to be around him most of the time, but to sum it up, being at my house, it was like walking on eggshells around him. Even the slightest thing would set him off. Then he’d scream and yell and blame us and then go out and get wasted with his friends. Then he’d come home and just be awful to all of us. My mom has tried to leave him TWICE. But stayed with him for the sake of my sister and I. Well eventually sometime this past December, my dad moved out. Things were great at my house. My mom, my sister and I were all getting along awesome and everything was great. We were like our own cute little sorority house. Then dad started getting nasty and saying awful things to our friends and family about my mom. He called her horrible names and even said he wished she was dead. When my sister and I confronted him about this, he denied everything. And things kept getting uglier and uglier. At this point, this whole ordeal is a rollercoaster. Some days are fine and everyone is civil. And some days my father is just an awful person and says horrible things and then tries to manipulate us into thinking he’s a victim and that everything is my mom’s fault. At this point I just want this all to be over. I’m just waiting for the day that this divorce is final, but my father is doing everything in his power to prolong the ordeal. And now he is threatening to push the sale of our house. Yep. My father is basically trying to kick my mom, my little sister and I out of our own home. And apparently there’s a 50/50 chance that he’ll get away with it. He has constantly ruined so many things for me. He ruined my first year of college, he scarred a good part of my childhood because he was drunk for a good 75% of it, and now he’s trying to take my home away. And I can’t help but feel like this divorce is my fault. That me going to college, and working so much, and having a boyfriend and not being around so much, created problems. It wasn’t always bad around my home, ya know? Sure there were bad days, but my dad had a lot of good days too. He’s a goofball and he made us laugh and he loved to be outdoors and do something cool. But in this case, that little amount of good wasn’t enough. And I can’t help but feel like I’m to blame sometimes. Like I could have done more to help. And throughout this whole year I have let so much guilt and anger and sadness consume me and I really sucked at my first year of college. I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed everyone around me; my mom, my dad, my sister, my boyfriend, my friends, my family. And I feel like I’m not good enough for them and that I don’t deserve any of them. And I have never felt more useless, pathetic, and alone. I have no idea how to make things better for myself. I have no idea even if things will ever get better. I had an enormous breakdown last night and I needed someone to talk to and no one was around. I felt all of these crazy thoughts and feelings and I even almost called a suicide hotline but didn’t because I felt pathetic. I am so lost and I don’t even know what to do to move forward. I’m not even sure if you can help me, but I just need someone to tell me something that isn’t just “oh don’t worry everything will be okay.” And I guess that’s it. I could go on and on but I’d probably just be repeating myself.

Hi paytay143 –

So first of all, I want you to look at a post I have on the AskShirelle website, about when divorces are the kids’ fault.  It was submitted by MyrnaFan1.  Please read it first.

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Okay.  Did you cheat and keep reading?

Well, if you did, here’s the answer:   NEVER.  It is literally impossible for a divorce to be the child’s fault.

Especially with the situation your parents are in. In fact, you’ve even been told by your mother that she tried to leave him twice before, but stayed for the sake of the children. So one could argue (although it was always her choice) that you were indirectly responsible for them not divorcing sooner.

Now if you’re asking whether having a mediator in the house, someone to work on their marriage, to help your father quit drinking and deal with his rage issues, to help your mother find the strength she needed… this super-person… if that could have helped them work things out and saved their marriage? I honestly don’t know. Maybe, maybe not.

But I do know, as sure as I know lambchops taste good, that THAT HAS NEVER BEEN YOUR JOB. In fact, I’d argue that, if you had tried to make it your job, you’d have failed. Not because you’re not smart or caring, but because you’re their kid. If your pain and wishes weren’t enough ten years ago to keep him from drunken rages, why would you have been able to stop them now? These people changed your diapers and taught you to use a spoon; they’re not going to even be able to see you into a place of power to change their whole way of being.

My human friend Handsome is a psychotherapist, and works with a lot of couples. They pay him well to be the ‘expert,’ and give them ways to fix what’s wrong in their relationships. And at least half of his suggestions never get taken. So I’m saying that there’s no way you could have fixed things if you’d been there.

In fact, from everything you’re telling me, I am thinking things are actually working out for the best. Yes it’s just awful right now, but look at what’s ahead: Your mother will be free of his anger and abuse, and won’t have to walk on eggshells anymore. Your father has a good chance of “hitting bottom,” which experts on addiction refer to as the point when an addict finally admits they need help and takes action to improve their lives. (You say he’s been “functioning;” well I’m liking the idea that he might be reaching the point where the dysfunction gets so strong he does some things to save his life!).

My friend, there’s an experience I see lots of teens go through when they first go to college. They’re away from home, from their parents, from all those rules and problems, for the first time, and it can get a little scary. I see them often start to think about their childhood in ways they never had before, start to wonder about books and movies they liked when they were five, and about things that all seemed normal before and suddenly now they’re realizing weren’t. And become as homesick as me in a kennel when Handsome’s been gone for two weeks!

So I’m guessing that, while your parents tried to protect you from their divorce when you were growing up, their timing has hit right when you were going through all of this. And so you, maybe more than you ever would have before, desperately wish you could put the pieces back together and re-create the best of your childhood, the fun times, the joking and laughter and love.

And instead you’re facing a future where your parents won’t even be in the same home.

This is HARD, paytay143! It’s not fair and it’s heartbreaking. And it’s what’s going on. And, sad as I am to say it, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it.

But you CAN change the future.

How?

Well, for starters, your Continue reading

0 How to deal with a father who’s been in prison

Justinsbae asks: It’s Fathers’ Day once again, and I just feel like crying. I see everyone posting on social media about their dads and I’m just sitting here without one. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 3 or 4. I always assumed it was because he didn’t care, but then I see on the news this year that someone with the same name as him has been in prison for about 10 years, so maybe that was why he hasn’t come to see me. He also has a girlfriend and two other children. Anyway on to the advice bit. I need your help as he is getting out soon, and has contacted my mum and has asked to speak to me. But I’m not sure how I should do that as I hate talking on the phone and a text or letter can come off the wrong way. I feel the best way would be to meet him and tell him how much he has affected me, as that’s what I have always wanted to say to him. But I don’t think meeting him is possible as his girlfriend stopped sending me money through the post in the last two years apparently, so I’m guessing she wants nothing to do with me. Please help what is the best way of contacting him?

Hi justinsbae –

Wow!  This letter makes my heart hurt!  I am so sorry you’re going through all this!

You bring up a number of really difficult issues. Parents who have girlfriends or boyfriends or spouses who try to keep them from interacting with their kids; how to tell your parent about the effect they’ve had on you; how to talk with someone when you don’t like talking on the phone; having a parent in prison; and not knowing why you haven’t heard from your father in years. Any one of these is enough for me to write one of my usual posts on, and all of them together are… WOW!

So I’m going to have to pick and choose. I’ll start with the last one, which I think is the most important for you. The fact that you haven’t known why you haven’t heard from him. Did your mother know he was in prison? Has this been kept from you (maybe out of very loving reasons)? Or did she just find out too? Or are neither of you even sure he’s the man you heard about? Either way, Continue reading

0 How to attract teenage girls

uday asks: How to attract teenage girls

Hi uday –

I’ll throw an answer at you, but first, I have to make a confession.  As a pup, I really don’t recognize ages that well.  I certainly understand certain issues that pertain to teenagers more than to anyone else (final exams, drivers licenses, and zits, for example!).  But when it comes to something like what is attractive to teens, versus women in their 20s, the trends change so fast I can’t keep aware of them.  So I’ll give you some general thoughts, but you’ll have to make some of them more specific yourself, based on the teenage girls you know.

So how to attract women:

1) Like Them. You wouldn’t believe how often I see humans who want people they don’t actually like to be attracted to them! It won’t work (except with cat-like people who are attracted to people who despise them.  But they’ll just make your life difficult!).  So before you worry about how to be attractive, decide who you want to be attractive to, and why.  The more you get to know about them, the more you’ll see things you like and things you don’t.  And that’s good.  Imagine being a pop star who hated girls who loved their music.  It just wouldn’t make sense, would it?  Whereas it’s very clear that the Justin Biebers and Chainsmokers of the world really like their fans being their fans.  You sure don’t see them sneer at them “You’re so stupid, I only like people who love classical music!”  So find who you like, and find out more that you like about them, and that energy will pour off of you.

2)  Take Care of Yourself and Dress Well.  Now here’s a great example of what I mean when I say that you’ll have to determine this yourself.  There are girls out there who love skinny guys in t-shirts and jeans (Ever seen The Big Bang Theory, for example?).  There are others who like Justin Timberlake sorts who dress snazzy, are well-groomed, and practice dancing so much you can see it when they walk.  Then there are those who are drawn to guys with big muscles, who dress conservatively but in ways that show their strength.  But what all these guys share is that they actually do take care of themselves – whether by just eating healthy or by exercising a lot – and dress in a style that shows their pride in themselves.  Whereas the guys who try to hide by dressing dully, who don’t take care of their hair or teeth, who don’t like to look in the mirror, who treat their bodies badly by eating junky food or smoking or worse…  there’s nothing about them that’s attracting anyone.  So decide who you want to be… and BE it!

3) Be Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend lies to you about his ex?

RoxchemaeAce asks: What am I gonna do with my boyfriend? I mean he had this girl friend before I met him, and as I was scrolling their messages from before, I discovered that there was something going on between them in the past but my boyfriend denies it. And now, the girl is always messaging him and telling him about what’s happening in her life and all. And it’s kinda irritating knowing that they had something, sort of feelings, before I met him. My boyfriend offered to get that girl blocked from both of our social media but I think it’s my pride who’s interfering, for I felt that it’s not the right thing to do (though I really want it). Urghhhh! It’s just so frustrating -_- though my boyfriend always says that it’s nothing, but something’s in me that keeps me suspicious. He says he loves me and that I’m his girlfriend now, but I really think and feel that there’s something, and I don’t know what that something is :’(

Hi RoxchemaeAce –

This is a tough issue for me to answer.  I don’t really know what’s going on inside him, and neither do you, so it makes this all difficult.

But two things stick out to me.  First, it does sound like his ex is paying a lot of attention to him, and looking for him to pay attention to her.  Which can be really irritating.  And second, that he’s trying to cover up something.

Now it’s perfectly possible that he is just trying to be friends with her, and that when he tells you there was nothing between them, he’s just trying to keep you happy.  This isn’t a terrible thing, though I’d prefer it if he felt okay telling you everything.

But it’s also possible that there is something going on between them, still, and he’s not telling you about that either.

So my suggestion, if you want to try it, would be to confront him and say “Look.  There’s no way there was ‘nothing between you’ before, because she was your girlfriend.  So I need you to tell me the truth about you two.  Tell me if you’re still interested in her, tell me if she’s being annoying and you’re trying to protect her, tell me if you guys are great friends… I just need to know.”

Now this idea could provide two possible bad scenarios: one that he doesn’t like being confronted like that, and two that he tells you something you don’t want to hear.  So it might be a better idea to let more time go by and see what happens.

But whichever you do, please know, I’m really sorry you have to go through this worry.  And I do hope it will get much better, soon.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Why a man would suddenly be interested in marriage

Reena asks: It is a stereotype that men get scared of marriage. But why would any guy talk marriage within the first three weeks of dating? Furthermore, it makes me feel like he wants marriage more than he wants me! I know a few female friends who admitted to me that they played with their man’s mind to get what they wanted (marriage). Now I don’t fall into that stereotype. I am not someone who is super excited about marriage and has planned her babies’ names and what kind of house we’ll buy, etc. So what’s happening here? Is the “law of nature” at work here? That whatever you chase in life runs away from you, and whatever you run away from, runs after you?! Is it that, because am not that keen on marriage, it’s gotten him more interested in it, or is he just plain desperate?

Hi Reena –

My human friend Handsome is a great lover of animals, all animals. Of course I’m his favorite, but he’s the kind of guy who finds ants and elephants fascinating, and adores all sorts of pets. So, unlike me, he even likes cats. But he is allergic to them, which is one reason he doesn’t have one (…and I’m another!).

So when he goes to a party at someone’s house, and they have a cat, he’s usually the one person there trying to stay away from little PussPuss. Everyone else is oohing and aahing and trying to pet or play with the furball, while he steps to the other side of the room.

And so who do you think that stupid cat is drawn to, every time?! Not the fifty people who want to stroke its ears and sneak it a bit of salmon. No, he zeroes in on Handsome like a high-tech missile, rubbing against his leg, purring to wake the dead. And then Handsome’s too nice to kick the cat away, as some would (or chase him out of the neighborhood, as I would!).

And so one answer to your question is: Yes. A lot of people are like cats. And if you tell them you want marriage and babies and eternal love, they’ll run off to sea, but if you tell them you want to stay independent, they suddenly want to start picking out wedding china. It’s human nature, just like it’s cat nature. (Though hardly ever dog nature. I think we’re just smarter than the rest!)

Another, more romantic, version of this concept is that relationships are like a dance. And when couples dance, they usually stay a certain distance apart. So when one steps forward, the other steps back, and so on.

So it’s possible that this guy is just drawn to these thoughts about marriage in that way, excited by your lack of interest.

But it’s also possible he’s just a wild romantic and has always been looking for the woman he can commit with, or that he’s never been that way before but is so nuts about you he’s suddenly all about this… Or he has another agenda.

For example, in my country, people from other countries often try to get married to locals in order to gain legal citizenship. And then we’ve all heard creepy stories of people marrying someone for their money or their name.

So Reena, all I can do is throw out these ideas. I don’t have any reason to think any one of them is correct about him.

But in the meantime, I’d say to just Continue reading

0 Why we get depressed when we’re in a transition

sugarcandy asks: I am about to begin university. There has been something that’s bothering me a lot. I don’t know if it’s just my anxiety acting up but lately, I feel so scared about my future. There have been very complicated things happening in my life. Family issues. And I just feel so uncertain about everything in my life. I don’t even know how to explain this to you. It’s just really confusing because I can’t pinpoint that one particular thing that’s bothering me. I question myself about this every night. The only reasonable thing I can think of is that maybe I’m just scared of losing. Cause over the last few years, I have lost a lot of people in my life that I didn’t want to lose. I feel like we just grew apart, almost all of them I don’t talk to anymore. And that worries me a lot. The thought of losing everything else that’s left. Like for example, money. I convinced myself like, this money has my back, like this money, can save me, it can still buy me happiness. And deep down, I know it’s not true. But I can’t help it when a person after person is leaving me. It’s like I replace them with money, which can at least buy me comfort and “temporary happiness.” In addition to that, I’ve seen some of my relatives going broke, and watching them go through the struggles of not having money, that even adds up more to my anxiety of losing it. I have a fear not being able to control my own life. Like, I know it’s impossible to know what will happen in the future but it frustrates me that if something bad did happen, I won’t be prepared for it. I know it sounds ridiculous but I don’t know. I used to believe that I could overcome any obstacles that come to me. But nowadays, I’m not sure if I still believe in it. Maybe I just need motivation, like real hard-core motivation. I have so much pressure from my family. I don’t have a lot of friends either. And this all just seems so scary to me. I don’t know what to do.

Hi sugarcandy –

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re correct about everything. Your letter shows me that you’re very mature and aware.

Now that’s not the response you expected, is it?!

Let me explain. If you ask a young child questions like “Do people go away?” “Do people die?” “Can someone run out of money?” they are very likely to give you the correct answer, “Yes.” But almost everyone, while they are growing up, faces moments when they really realize the possibility of loss. My human friend Handsome, for example, went to the funerals of his great-grandmother and his great-aunt when he was a child, but then, when he was a teenager, went through a complete period of shock when the father of a friend of his died – a man he wasn’t close to at all. His brain had literally developed to a degree where the death meant more to him than those others had.

Similarly, I’m sure you had childhood friends who moved away, or just decided they didn’t want to play with you, and those things made you sad. But now, as you’re finishing high school, your more mature brain is realizing how profound these losses are, and taking them in a completely new and different way.

And these realizations are GIGANTIC!

And of course, you have yet another reason to feel the power of all this, which is that you’re about to go through one of the biggest transitions of your life. I don’t think you mentioned in your letter, but are you actually moving away when you go to university? Leaving the home you’ve lived in your entire life?

Maybe a time one might start thinking deeply about loss!

So, again, I think you’re doing just fine. Though the lousy part of all this is the lack of motivation you’re feeling. Which also makes total sense.

I’m sure you’ve heard of Clinical Depression. It’s a horrible mental illness, based in chemical imbalances in the brain, and can ruin people’s lives. But there’s another thing, just regular everyday Depression, which everyone goes through – usually while in life transitions.

You see, your brain doesn’t quite know how to live in the new reality it’s about to enter. So it withdraws. Goes into almost a hibernation. While it figures out what it needs to about who you’re going to be next. I see this a lot in humans around age thirteen, as they deal with the changes going on in their bodies and interests. And going to college or university is another time it’s practically guaranteed.

Now you’ll notice that most of your schoolmates aren’t in the low, unmotivated, frightened mindset you are. Well, I’d say to give them six months to a year. And you’ll find nearly all of them get there. And every one will feel like they’re the first person ever to go through this! Even though you were just there!

In other words, sugarcandy, I’m saying yet again that you’re very mature and aware. More so than most teens at your stage of transition.

So I’m not going to give you cute platitudes – I’m not going to say Continue reading

0 How to return to an instrument after not practicing

arjai101 asks: A year ago, my mom switched careers. In order to do this, she had to pay for classes, attend etc. As a result, I had to stop taking piano lessons. She said I could start again in a few months once everything settled down and I would be out of town most of the summer anyways so I wouldn’t know the difference. But, here we are a year later and I’m still not taking lessons. At first, I practiced a ton. Even though I wasn’t taking lessons at the moment, I still wanted to hit the ground running when I did start again. As school started again and I realized it would be a long time before I’d get lessons. I suddenly just stopped playing. This also has to do with the fact that my mom and I rent two rooms in a friend’s house. The family is ALWAYS home; their kids are homeschooled. At first, I was just busy with school so I couldn’t really practice. In conjunction, I didn’t have a teacher pushing me or expecting anything from me, so I had no need. After a while, it became, I was afraid to practice because the family would hear and I used to be so good and now I sound like trash. Now, I’m afraid to look at, touch, or even hear a piano because it has been so long and I’m so afraid of all the hard work and money spent that went down the drain. It makes me so sad to think about it. It was a part of my life that defined me for so long and… I just don’t know anymore. And the worst part, I played today. And, it was worse than I had ever imagined. Everything is gone. I don’t even know what to do. I’ll probably never have lessons again. My family can’t afford it. (Despite the fact my mom makes more money than she did before this whole thing.) To rub salt in the wound, we still live with that family. Their kids take a million lessons and go to all kinds of ensembles and band this and that. Their parents practically beg them to practice, and they act like spoiled ungrateful brats. Here I am, and it all is just rotting away painfully. My mom is always like, just go play, it’s no big deal. But, it is a big deal. It’s painful to even be around other musicians, period. Just listening to classical music, it’s terrible. I miss music so much. I wish I could have what those kids have. I was just starting to really get somewhere when I had to stop. Everyone else got to keep progressing, and I got to go backward. Funny how nothing ever balances out. I have always had to overcome a very bad hand of cards and pretend like I’m just like everyone else and lie about my life and where I live. So forgive me world, if I choose to whine about this.

Hi Arjai101 –

Okay, so first things first: if there’s anyone anywhere who’s going to be okay with a little whining, it’s a dog! We whine all the time – out of fear, out of pain, out of excitement – so feel free to whine here all you like! In fact, when humans whine, it often makes us jump up into their laps and lick their faces, which it sounds like exactly what you need right now, so I’ll say it even more strongly: YES! WHINE!

Now, onto the piano. First, of course you must know I’m very jealous of you. I can’t play a single note on a piano (my paws are too big). The idea of playing a complex piece with melody, harmony, tone, complex time changes… hey I’ll be thrilled if I can come back in another lifetime and hammer out “Chopsticks!” So when you say you sound terrible, understand that, to me, you’re Lang-Lang, Bill Evans, and Jerry Lee Lewis all rolled into one! (Okay, I’ll admit, I had to get those names from Handsome; I love music but don’t know musicians that well!).

But I do know something about human nature. And I know that most humans judge themselves much more harshly than they do others. So I’m only guessing, but I’m going to suggest that maybe you aren’t nearly as bad on the piano right now as you think – although of course you are out of practice. So you’re not as good as you can be, or as good as you were a year ago. But I’m betting you aren’t horrible for others to hear.

Now you’ve heard stories of great athletes who get injured, right? They break their leg or their arm, or tear a muscle, and are unable to play their sport for a while. And there’s a chance they’ll never be as good as they used to be. But they work like crazy at recovering from their injury, and get back and are phenomenal again. Might they have been even better if they’d never been injured? Sure. But that’s not the way things went, and their goal is to simply be the best they can be. And they achieve it.

And your mother’s financial problems qualified as an injury for you. Your job now is just to Continue reading

0 How to move on from a bad relationship

Reena asks: I met a guy online. We are just 2 hrs away by flight btw but he never came down to see me neither allowed me to fly to see him. This guy is currently all of 27 yrs old, never worked a day in his life, his father still pays his bills. Dated more than half dozen women before me. He even admitted to me that he used to sleep around. And in his own words admitted he’s done the dirtiest nastiest things (sexually) I can imagine. We broke up last year but when I was with him he was overly concerned about not being taken advantage of. He wanted to marry me! I mean, why me?! Considering the kind of life he has lived, I am sure, he met better girls than me all those years. I need your insight into this. He treated me really badly when I was with him, but was hell-bent on marriage this time, I don’t know why. To the point where he kept terms and conditions before me stating that he can come to my town to meet me but we’ll not get physical but just hang out. I am a kid at heart and because I never had a boyfriend before (I am 27), I have a lot of unmet needs which he was extremely insensitive to. And because I never slept around like him, I never got my needs met. A need for security, stability, physical love (not sex), protection, etc. After our break up I met another guy and the obvious happened: we got physical too soon and I know why that happened. Simply because I was starved that much before. I mean, to be honest there’s a part of me whose self-esteem has taken a nice blow because 1) While he was in a live-in relationship with his ex, he never even came down once to see me (I know I shouldn’t compare but this is very telling); 2) Even when I met him, he was still in love with his ex; 3) He gave me nothing in the relationship. He lied lied and lied to me about soooo many things and was extremely secretive and manipulative. He has no job, no money, no life and can be extremely boring when he opens his mouth. Has mental health issues and often contradicts himself and has hygiene issues, doesn’t take care of himself, etc. Did I do right by walking away ?

Hi Reena –

Now I have to be honest here.  I’m very smart for a dog, but there might be other advisors on the internet who are even smarter than I, and might have some better advice to give.  There might be some who are wittier or more educated.

But no one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever judge you less than I do.  That’s what we dogs do – we love unconditionally.  And I’d no more judge you than I’d judge Handsome or a tree – to me, you all just are, and are perfect.

However, what I’m about to say might come off as the opposite of what I just said.

Because from everything you’re saying, this guy is a Continue reading