Category Archives for "Teens"

0 What to do if a boyfriend or girlfriend wants space to reconsider the relationship

naj asks: I’m a girl, 18 years of age, doing my graduation in physics. I have just been in a new relationship and to be honest, this is my first one. I found him from Instagram. I’ve known him for two months now. It’s been only three weeks since we started the relationship. He was very committed and caring and all. But then one day he met his ex-girlfriend’s friends and they said something and made him feel guilty for being in a relationship three months after their breakup. Now he says that he needs some space. He doesn’t show the same affection as he did in the beginning . He needs a break and he says that he’ll come back whatever happens. But he’s not sure about how long it will take. Would you suggest something? Should we actually break up?

Hi naj –

So you probably know the famous question, where someone fills a glass exactly halfway with water, and some people say it’s “half full,” while others say it’s “half empty.”

This is one of those situations.  The guy likes you, you like him, all’s great.  But these friends guilt-tripped him and he’s asking for space.

So if this was something that happened a lot, if he was always pulling away, I’d say that’s a worry.  But this is once.  And he’s saying he’ll be back.

I’m a “glass half full” sort of girl (most dogs are).  And so my suggestion is to Continue reading

0 Should you stay with someone you appreciate but aren’t attracted to

Fehyii asks: I have a guy who loves me but I am not too sure I love him. I like all he does for me. I feel I should be patient for him to get mature and start to look good then have some money. I don’t want to leave a good guy but I don’t feel love for him. I had a crush on him first and I don’t want him to be hurt or see me in a whole different way (bad way) when I tell him it does not feel the same. I don’t know if I should just be patient and see how things turn out or just leave him. We are not in a relationship yet but he’s the told me times and over that he loves me.

Hi Fehyii –

This is a tough situation.  You’re liking the potential for this guy, but not turned on by what’s there now.  As you say, you like all he does for you, but that’s not enough.

If you were drawn to him, but just not feeling “in love,” I’d definitely say to stick with the relationship for now, as there’s nothing bad happening and a lot of chance for something good.

But I will say I’m worried by the one line you say about being patient for him to “start to look good.”  Now it’s definitely true that love can make someone look better to you (I call my human “Handsome” because to me he’s the best-looking, best-smelling, most wonderful thing there is; I didn’t feel all those things the day we met – they took time). But if you don’t like his looks now, it’s doubtful you’re going to start liking them anytime soon.

I’m afraid that, if you want to do the very best thing, it would be to Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize you’ve been an abusive partner

Tracy asks: I’ve come to realize that I’m an abusive partner in my relationship; it’s been going on for a while now and I really need help. What can I do?

Hi Tracy –

Wow.

Well here’s the good news: you’ve already done 90% of the work.  With an issue like this, by far the biggest part of the job is realizing and admitting the problem.  What comes now isn’t easy, but it’s easier than what you’ve done.

I would argue that there are two things you’ll need to do.  One is to take your self-awareness up to the next level, and the only way I know to do that is to hire a therapist.  Someone who can work with you on the deep reasons why you have behaved in ways that don’t match your beliefs or your feelings.  (I say this because, if you thought that what you’d been doing was right, you would never have written me this question).  I don’t know where you live, but if it’s hard to find a traditional therapist there, other people with the right training can help also, such as a religious group leader, a school counselor, a psychiatrist… any of these are fine.  Just as long as it’s someone you can open up with, about all your experiences, who’s not going to treat you with shame or break your confidentiality by telling other people about the things you told them.

But there is a second part.  And that is to Continue reading

0 How to get to know a shy bookish person better

Anu asks: If guys are so shy that they might shiver in front of you while having an in-person conversation, and they are really bad at texting, how can a girl even try for him? The girl has already made the first move. He shows signs of liking her, but the problem is that he is a hardcore book nerd. What to do next?

Hi Anu –

I have a few pieces on my website about how to approach shy guys, but as you say, you’ve already done that.  And it’s worked.

So what next?  Well, I have a few thoughts, but I can’t guarantee any of them; they’re just ideas.

– if he’s a “hardcore book nerd,” get him talking about books.  Are you a reader too?  Maybe you could ask him about his favorite books, and read one of them.  (Or just see what he’s carrying around and try that too, though there’s then no way of knowing if he particularly likes it)

– talk to him about what YOU’RE interested in.  One thing about “book-nerds,” they spend tons of time experiencing what someone else (the author) finds interesting!  So he’s likely to be interested in what interests you – if you can sell it the right way.  For example, my human friend Handsome grew up at a school where there was lots of attention on American Football.  He didn’t like it much, and was particularly bored with the way people talked about it.  Then a few years ago, a friend told him about a TV series about high school football.  “Why would I want to watch that?!” he asked.  The person gave him very good arguments why, he watched it, loved it, and we saw every episode of the series.  (I mainly liked that the coach’s wife had my hair color!)

– help him with something he’s having trouble with at school.  If he’s so shy, maybe you can help him with something he’s too shy about.

– ask him to help you with something!  Does he know a lot about history, or science, or Harry Potter?  Figure out a reason to ask him about what he’s good at.  I’m sure he’ll love being able to help; shy guys love feeling valuable!

– and biggest of all… Continue reading

0 How to attract someone without letting them know you’re doing trying it

Spiky 401 asks: I like this dude. He is actually a Libra, as am I. I researched everything I can about my zodiac sign and it fit his description exactly. He convinced me into telling him I like him, and his reply was “aww I like you too,” but from there everything went back to normal conversation. I couldn’t understand what it or he means. He is very flirty, but one thing’s for sure – when he sticks to one person he is very devoted. I like him, I really do. How do I go about attracting this Libra dude without he really knowing I’m putting an effort to, and without talking to him – a way that will make him come to me instead of me going to him?

Hi Spiky 401 –

I have to confess, I don’t know a lot about Astrology.  We dogs are so affected by the skies, the stars, the earth, and the moon, that it’s hard to keep the effects of a single thing like a constellation straight.  But I checked up on Libras, and I see you folks are very nice, gentle, and loving, but have trouble saying “No” to people. Which of course fits with this guy’s “Aww, I like you too” line!

So to your question of how to attract him, I would imagine the best advice would be to not overwhelm him – deal with him in a way that allows him to be his gentle, kind self.  One thing I do know about male humans – they like feeling successful and achieving, and hate experiencing failure and disappointment.  So if you can find ways for him to feel good about helping you out in little ways, that will probably help.  And of course, any ways you can help him out will help too!

But to get him to actually “come to” you?  I think that will take a mixture of a lot of things.  First of all, finding out what attracts him of course is a good idea (Does he like girls in dresses or in jeans or in tough gear?).  Finding shared interests is always good.  But your best bet is to just be yourself, be friendly, and know that you’re attractive in yourself (that last part is always the hardest).

And that’s about all I can say for now.  When you find out more about him, let me know, and maybe I can help you more.  And who knows, maybe when this September/October rolls around, you two will be giving each other very wonderful birthday presents!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 How to trust a better boyfriend or girlfriend after being hurt by a worse one.

Lila asks: I’ve been in a really screwed up relationship, and now I have an awesome understanding supportive boyfriend. How can I tell him I can’t trust his female co-worker around him? She just tried opening the bathroom door while she thought he was in there! How can I bring this up to him without getting mad or him thinking I’m crazy?

Hi Lila –

Well I think you answered your own question.  If he’s awesome, and understanding, and supportive, then he ought to not get too mad when he finds out you have concerns about his co-worker.  Even if he doesn’t agree with your worries, he shouldn’t be angry about them.

I see this a lot in humans – and in dogs too (if you go onto my website and find the article “Aria’s Agenda,” that’s about just this).  You’ve been in a relationship with a lousy person, and then when you’re in one with a better one, you keep expecting them to treat you the way the jerk did!  This guy’s better!  Trust that!

But onto the other issue… this woman WHAT?!??!  Now I’ll admit, I like to walk into bathrooms when people are in there, because the smells are so interesting!  But I’m a dog!  Most people over the age of Continue reading

0 How to tell your parents you want to marry your best friend

My pack asks: A year ago I introduced a girl as my said sister (a term like “best friend”) to my parents as well as hers. This means we told our parents we’d never become romantic with each other, so they’d let us hang out. But for the last eight months our relationship has deepened, and we love each other a lot. We didn’t know we’d fall in love. We can’t live without each other. Now we have to convince our parents to accept this relationship, as we want to marry. And even beyond our parents, other people might say bad things about her family, that this girl said this guy is like her brother, and now she wants to marry him.

Hi My pack –

I have to confess, this might be a case where, even as a dog, I don’t have enough cultural understanding.

Where I live, in the United States, the most acceptable and “clean” way for a couple to get together is to be friends first.  It also bodes well for a marriage, as people trust that a deep friendship will last through many more difficulties than romantic passion or physical attraction.

So to my mind, your parents and hers would cheer to the rooftops if you and she came to them saying you wanted to marry.

And your friends and other society would as well – they already know you two as a pair of nice young people they enjoy; how nice that you two will become a married couple as well.

But as I said, I don’t know everything, and this seems to be a case where I’m somewhat ignorant.

I will say, though, that I imagine it’s important that your families accept you as a couple before anyone else.  This might be a crazy idea, but if the families are okay with it, could you Continue reading

0 Should you show sympathy to your ex who dropped you?

Aishwarya asks: My boyfriend left me few weeks back. And now he texted me that his dad is not well and uncle is on deathbed. Should I show him some sympathy?

Hi Aishwarya –

This is a fascinating question, so great I have three different answers for it, depending on different situations.  I wish I knew enough to give you just one, because they’re all pretty different.  But hopefully this will help.

Okay, first situation:  You’re close with his family.

If you actually have/had a relationship with his father and/or uncle, where they were important in your life, and you in theirs, then I would say absolutely that you should deal with your ex, and with them.  Simply because you’d feel very bad if you didn’t and things got worse with them.  In fact, I often see some cruelty on the part of exes, keeping someone who cares a lot about their family from them, with the mindset “If you’re not my boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, you can’t have any connection with them either!”  So if you’re close with, say, his dad, I think it shows good character on your ex’s part that he reached out to you.

Second situation: You’re not close with them, but he’s trying to be a friend to you.

If that’s what’s going on, that he’s just telling you his “news,” and another time he might be telling you “I got a car” or “I broke my leg,” then it’s really your call.  Do you want to be friends with him now, or not?  I’ve seen couples break up and become fantastic friends, and I’ve seen other cases where one member correctly realizes that they just can’t do well in life while creating a new, friendly relationship with their ex.  The answer is up to you, to do what’s best for you.  In this situation, the dad and uncle don’t expect or need your attention; so you get to treat the guy you loved who broke things off in whatever way feels right.  To you.

Third situation: He’s playing a Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend chooses their family over you

Shirley_av asks: My boyfriend’s family came to know everything about our relationship and gave him a choice to choose between family and love, and so he chose his family over love, and her mother made him promise not to talk to me. But I want to save my relationship. What can I do?

Hi Shirley_av –

I wish I had a great, clever answer for you, but we pups are just not that smart.  I can certainly relate to the feeling you’re having – it feels like every time I’m locked in a cage.  Whether at the pound, or at a veterinarian’s hospital, or a groomer’s.  I hate being locked up, and even go a little crazy to get out, but of course the cages are built for dogs to not be able to leave.  So I’m stuck.  For what seems like forever.  And it’s living hell.

My friend, if your boyfriend were forced against his will to not see you, I’d say there’s a chance.  Then it’d be a Romeo and Juliet sort of situation.  But he was offered a choice, and made it.

And so my best advice is to move on.  And I know that’s devastatingly hard.

I’m not saying you should expect to feel good about it, or that your bad feelings will end soon.  They might take weeks, or months, or longer.  But if you can do whatever you can to move forward in your life, and into a new chapter, one of two things will happen.

First, he Continue reading

0 How to tell someone you’re interested in them

PERFECTION asks: I want to tell someone how I really feel, and I just want to make it honest and sincere but the only thing that I’m worried about is that I don’t know how to do it, any tips?

Hi PERFECTION –

I’m never one to call my Pack members liars, but I’m going to break that rule and call you out, my friend:  HOOEY!  PURE HOOEY!  PURE LITTERBOX MATERIAL!!!

Not that you don’t like that person, or have strong feelings for them; I’m sure that’s true.  What I’m calling you out on is when you say you “just want to make it honest and sincere,” but “don’t know how to do it.”  What a load of kitty poop!

Of course you know how to tell them your feelings with honesty and sincerity.  What you don’t  know is how to do it in a way you’re sure they’ll like!  THAT’S what you’re worried about, and that makes complete sense!

And I’m glad to try to help.

And I really do mean “try,” because of course you and I are very different.  But my experience might be instructive.  (Oooh doesn’t that sound adult!)

I have always, all my life, liked people and dogs on sight, and wanted to play with them.  When I was a young puppy, I attempted to do this by doing just what came naturally to me – walking up to them and biting them.  My brothers and sisters played with me when I did that to them… but strangely, it really seemed to bother most humans and grown-up pooches.  Especially if I did it when they weren’t expecting it.  I got barked at, bit, and yelled at a lot.

And slowly I learned.  Even though my honest, sincere, expression was to bite them, they liked  it better if I did other things.  Like walked up and licked them.  Or brought them a toy to play with.  Or just sat and let them pet me.  Or, with dogs, caught their eye and ran away so they’d chase me.  And these techniques worked, and work to this day.

Of course, though, you’re in a more complex situation.  You want to tell  someone something intimate and meaningful.  And it will mean a lot to you if they like it and accept it, or dislike it and reject it.  So what can you do to improve your chances of it being a happy conversation?  Here are a few suggestions.

• Don’t be scary. Just as people are frightened when a dog runs at them with teeth bared, they’re also put off when someone’s energy is too forceful and needy.  “I LOVE YOU AND CAN’T LIVE ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT YOU AGREEING TO MARRY ME AND HAVE GRANDCHILDREN WITH ME” is not likely to work; “So, I’ve really enjoyed talking with you.  I’d love to hang out sometime.  Would you like that?”  Oooh, that sounds WAY smoother!
• Keep it between you two. Although you might feel ‘safety in numbers,’ it puts the other person in a really rough position if you start saying these things when other friends are around.  Those stories we hear about people proposing on TV broadcasts or with airplane skywriting?  That can be a great idea if you’re absolutely sure they want to say yes; otherwise it’s a recipe for horrible humiliation for everyone involved.
• Have you ever heard the anagram K.I.S.S.? “Keep It Simple, Stupid?”  As complicated as your feelings might seem to you, they’re actually pretty simple.  “I really like you a lot.”  “I’m falling in love with you.”  See how quick those are?  An old friend of mine was visiting, and told Handsome and me a story just this week, where a just-friend nervously gave her a long speech telling her he wanted to be more than friends, but his nervousness and confused talk actually made her think he was saying he wasn’t  interested in her!   They then had to have another conversation to clarify that he was!  (It worked out, though – they’re married and have two beautiful children now!)
• Make any consequences clear. Are you saying to this person “I feel this way about you, and there’s nothing you need to do about it; I’ll be your friend either way?”  Or “I can’t take just being friends anymore, and if you aren’t willing to become more than that, I’m going to have to spend less time with you – or even cut you out of my life completely?”  I’m not saying that one’s right and one’s wrong; I just want you to be fully honest about this part too – in a way that THEY UNDERSTAND.
• And last but not least, be kind. I know, it feels like you’re the one in the difficult position, but so are they.  Make it as easy as you can.  Speak softly, give them compliments (real ones, not fake), maybe even apologize at first, “I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but there’s something I really have to talk about with you.”

There’s never any way of knowing how these conversations will work out.  But if you do these behaviors, I do think I can guarantee it’ll work out as well as possible for both of you, regardless of what interest they express or don’t.

But you KNOW I’m cheering you on!  LET THEM SEE YOUR HEART as you’ve let me see it, and I’m thinking you’ll do great.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle