Category Archives for "Relationships"

0 What are good topics to make conversation with someone you’re interested in

Danish asks: I am very confused about what to talk with this girl I’m interested in, as sometimes I used to be topic-less and blank when talking with her, and sometimes I don’t text her for 2 to 3 days, and I think this is not good because it is very important to spend time with her (at least talk with her) because already we are long distance. So can you please tell me what to talk about with her because we already know basic stuff about each other. What topics should I bring up next?

Hi Danish –

This is so much more common a concern than people realize.  Yes, there are those folks out there who are just great at conversation, and always come up with interesting topics, but most people are a mixture of shy, nervous, or simply unable to think of anything beyond “How about that weather?” or, if they’re aware enough of it, whatever recently happened in sports!

Now there are books out there that give advice on what the best conversational methods are to seduce someone, make them love you, etc.  I’m no good at that (my seduction method is to drop a slobbery tennis ball into a person’s lap and beg them to throw it).  But in terms of friendly talk, I do have a few Continue reading

0 How to get your friend to open up about their feelings

inditan asks: I want to ask you about friendships. I have a lot of friends at school (I don’t mean to brag, sorry!), and my social life is pretty much awesome. I have a few best friends that are really close to me. One of them is a girl named S. The problem between us is that she doesn’t talk about her problems often. She’s my only best friend whom I share all my secrets with, she shares hers as well but she doesn’t share her problems with me. And I’m worried that maybe she doesn’t trust me, or maybe it was because something I said to her. I don’t want her to feel alone when dealing with her problems. She’s had anorexia a few years back and that was a serious issue she hasn’t let go of yet. I’m really worried about her Shirelle. what should I do?

Hi inditan –

Okay, there are two issues here.  And I want to get the first one out of the way first.

I am no expert on eating disorders.  As a dog, I’m always looking for food; but because I’m so active, I’ve never had a weight problem.  I frankly don’t even understand them – why would someone starve themselves, or throw up what they’ve eaten? It doesn’t make sense for a pooch.  But I know these disorders exist.  And I urge you, if you are really concerned for your friend, to get her to see a doctor RIGHT away.  Anorexia is unhealthy for anyone, but it can be permanently disabling, or even fatal, if it develops too far.  So please please please, be a great friend and get her okay… if she’s actually suffering from this right now.

All right, second issue.  I see this problem every day!  My human Handsome is a psychotherapist, so he meets with people for his work, and they talk about problems – always their problems.  Never his!  And sometimes, they actually get frustrated about it.  Even though they’re paying him to deal with their problems and not his!

So your frustration at your friend not opening up to you, especially when you’re concerned that she’s keeping a secret that could hurt her, sure makes sense.

And the only suggestion I can make is to Continue reading

0 Do love letters work?

PERFECTION asks: Do love letters work? I mean do they make a difference somehow?

Hi PERFECTION –

What a funny question!  You’ve written me some WONDERFUL comments, and I’ve told you how happy they make me.  So you KNOW love letters work!

But I’m guessing you’re meaning a different sort of “work.”  When you write me, all you want is to express your appreciation of my thoughts (or maybe how cute I am, which is very very legitimate – Handsome tells me all about it every day!).  But you don’t really want anything more  from me.  But if you write a love letter to someone you’re interested in romantically, for it to “work,” you want it to win over their heart, make them interested in you, make them fall in love!

So do they work for that?

Well… they Continue reading

2 What to do when you’re feeling too needy in a relationship

Ruxar asks: I feel I’m too needy and get upset when my boyfriend makes pointless excuses of not seeing me and it becomes a huge fight. I can’t get over things quickly, so right now, even though we ended the night on a good note, this morning he’s saying he’ll take time to be okay and all that. I just feel scared because last time when my ex fought with me and he said he wanted time, he left me. I can’t eat or sleep right. Am I overthinking or maybe I should just let it be? I feel I’m needy and I want to stop being like this.

Hi Ruxar –

I always have a problem with people being called “too needy.”  I guess I take it personally (if that’s the right word).  You see, we dogs are so affectionate, and so loyal, and care so much about how our people are doing and making them happy.  And some people think that’s just great, and appreciate us for it.  While others push us away, “Ewww, I like cats better, you dogs are too Needy!”

And the fact is that none of us is “too” anything.  Cats are cats, and dogs are dogs.  We’re just who and what we are.

So maybe, if I knew all the details, I’d disagree with you saying that your boyfriend’s excuses are “pointless.”  But I know I dislike you calling yourself too needy, when you do feel that you’re being mistreated.  If his excuses are lies, then how can you be “too needy” by being bothered by them?

What it sounds more like to me is one of two things.  One is that your boyfriend is not being really truthful, and is making you feel like it’s your fault when he lies or covers things up.

Have you ever heard the term “gaslighting?”  it comes from a famous play of many years ago, where a man works to convince his wife that she’s going crazy.  (It was also made into a couple of movies, and one of them won the Best Actress Oscar, so if you can ever see any version of it, I recommend it!) Now your guy may not be as evil as that husband, but it is possible you’re getting gaslighted, at least a little.

But more likely, he’s not doing anything on purpose, but you just need a different kind of treatment in a relationship than he can give you.  You need more reassurance, more contact, more affection.  While he needs more freedom to grow.  This doesn’t make either of you wrong, but you might be wrong for each other.

My human Handsome and I were at a party last night, and a beautiful ballerina was there, talking about how happy she was with her new boyfriend.  Was it because he treats her so well, showers her with attention and affection?  No, it’s because she’d at last found a guy who was as involved in his work as she was in hers, so both felt free to be themselves.  He wasn’t at the party with her, and she said he might show up sometime later, and to her this was the perfect guy.  Most women would HATE having a guy like that, but she loved it.

Meanwhile, the lovely hostess of the party has a boyfriend who’s out of the country, and will be for the next two years.  They talk every day, and their whole lives are built around each other.  I guess you could say they have the exact opposite relationship, which is just right for them (though I’m sure it’s tough!).

What’s right for you, Ruxar?  Someone who’s there all the time, someone who gives you space but makes sure you’re always secure in feeling able to trust, someone who checks in often to make sure you’re still there?  Whatever makes you feel right, that’s what you deserve.

For me, I just love having my Handsome around, I love knowing he cares for me, and I love going out in the yard or a park or beach and running around and forgetting all about him… till I remember him and run to make sure he’s there.  And he is.  That’s the best.

You deserve what’s right for you, Ruxar.  Figure out what that is, and if you get it and still  feel this anxious, then let me know and we can talk about that!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to handle jealous feelings when your girlfriend or boyfriend talks to others

Free one asks: My girlfriend is loyal to me but she’s talking very freely with other guys? And I’m feeling very possessive and even having anger problems, so what should I do?

Hi Free one –

I can really see both sides of this issue.  On one hand, if my human friend Handsome comes home and I can smell that he’s been petting other dogs, I find that exciting!  I sniff him all over, lick him a lot – he’s just more interesting than he is other days.

But if I’m with him and he pets another dog, I get very jealous.  I don’t get mad at him, though – I just let that other dog know, in no uncertain terms, that that man is MINE!

Have you ever heard that old Beatles song “You Can’t Do That?”  It expresses just what you’re saying.  That (you’re saying) she can’t talk to other guys.

But I think you’re actually in the wrong on this issue (and it sounds like you agree with me).  Because it’s almost impossible for a woman to not talk to other men.  And if she’s friendly, that talk can look like flirting, or even cheating, to you, if you let it.

The only solution I can come up with is for you to talk with her about these feelings, and arrive at an agreement.  Like, say, she can talk to other guys, but she always needs to come back to you afterward, or needs to make sure they know about you.

Jealousy is a strange thing.  It’s all about insecurity.  Although you know she’s loyal to you, when she talks to other guys, it makes you feel like something’s wrong – that she’s cheating, or they look down on you.  If you can make yourself feel more secure, you won’t mind her doing this anymore.

And again, the best way to make yourself feel that, I’m sure, is for you to talk with her about it.  Even if you two come up with some silly signal (like, say, whenever she’s talking with another guy, she waves to you), whatever works.

It’s great that you care this much about her, and hopefully she takes it as a compliment.  Now if we can just get you two to feel happy and secure, everything will be great.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to stop worrying so much about things that might go wrong, when all is going right.

PERFECTION asks: There’s a girl I’m talking with, and she seems to like me back, but I’m scared that one day everything will STOP, she’ll stop talking to me, seeing me and the like. I’m scared that if I stop communicating with her she might forget about me. I’m scared that she might even think I’ve lost interest. I’m scared that all of these will end into nothingness.

Hi PERFECTION –

I can relate to your worries, though I also think you’re worrying about nothing.

You see, just about every day, Handsome leaves me at home alone.  He heads off to work or whatever, leaving me locked in the yard.  And I have no guarantee that he’s ever coming back.  My sensible side worries that he might get sick or hurt, and I’ll be stuck here; my less sensible side worries that he’ll forget about me or run off with another dog.

Now is it possible that something could happen to him, and he never comes home?  Sure.  But if that happened, I know that a friend or relative of his would come over and rescue me.  But is it possible that he could forget about me, or purposely leave me behind?  No Way!

But still I worry.  Because I’m vulnerable in the yard.  There’s no way I won’t.

Now, having said that, your letter sounds downright goofy to me.  No one’s suggesting you stop communicating, but you’re worried that if you do, she’ll forget about you.  Okay, then don’t do that!  You’re also worried that she might lose interest in you anyway.  Yeah, that’s always possible.  She might even decide she hates you, or choose some other guy over you.  These things do happen.

So I’m not going to tell you not to worry.  But I will suggest that you try to worry less.  Because it’s not going to help you at all.

When Handsome leaves me at home alone, I get to chase squirrels, nap, sniff around, and bark at everyone passing by.  It’s a good life, as long as I let it be.

Similarly, you’re doing GREAT right now.  In fact, your worries only exist because you’ve got so much good right now, and you’re scared of losing it!

So my advice is to try to train your brain to Continue reading

0 What to do when people judge you for your past

Bart asks: I have done things a long time ago, but I have changed! Years later people bring up these things and it makes me very angry. Here I am interviewing for an important job and people keep throwing my mistakes at me. Why do they do this, and how should I respond!

Hi Bart –

I certainly understand your frustration.  People are always mistrusting me because of something I did months ago, or maybe last night.  But hey, in dog days that’s a week, right? But it’s even worse for them to mistrust me because of something I did, or something they think  I did, years ago.

What I’m always trying to convince them of is to judge me the way I am now.  And that’s what you need to do.  You say you’ve changed, but do you show that?  If you used to bite people on the ankle all the time, do you lick their hands now, and only bite your chew toys (yes, that’s my story)?  Or maybe you used to have a drinking problem, and now you’re sober, or only drink a little.  Or maybe you used to do some really mean things to people, and now you’re far more moral than that.

Well, if so, how do you show it?  Do you act in a ladylike or gentlemanly way all the time now?  Do you work extra hard to be kind and calm?

Maybe that’s what you need to do.  And, although it doesn’t seem fair, maybe you Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re in an affair and want the person to marry you

Akol asks: I have been with a married man who failed to have kids with his first wife. I then gave him three kids. But I want to get married and he does not stay with me, he stays with his wife. Now I am pregnant. I don’t know whether he is my man or not. I truly want to get married. The lady knows that I exist. But the bitter truth is though he says he does love me, I struggle alone. He does not support the children and me in the way he is supposed to, or fulfil his promises. I had forgotten him for a full year and moved on, till he came back again and promised to change and pay fees for the children, which he gave a half – till now. I think I need to be bold and stand on my word. Telling him that I need also to get married, and not to be a concubine.

Hi Akol –

In the book that Handsome wrote about me, he tells about a relationship he was in, where he was the “other man,” and how it put him through absolute torment.  As much as a human might like to believe they’re independent and don’t need validation from others, the fact is you guys do.  And unless you’re someone who enjoys having affairs as a hobby, you’re just bound to care about that person, and want to be as important to them as they are to you.  And as long as they’re involved with, or married to, someone else, you simply won’t be.  And that’s just awful.

I’m very sorry you’re going through this.  But I really don’t know what to suggest.  If this were a newer thing, I could say “Leave him and change your number, and start your life over again.”  But you have three children, and are about to have a fourth.  So everything is complicated and difficult.

But no question, this guy is not treating you right.  And I imagine his wife doesn’t feel all that great about him either!

So I have two questions.  First, are you suuuuuuuure you want to be the next Mrs. Him?  His record of faithfulness isn’t too great, and it doesn’t seem he treats either of you women with all that much respect.  Now it is possible he’d treat you differently if you were married, and things could get much better, but I’d sure think about it before you demand it.

And my second is, what’s your “or else?”  I’m all for you being bold and standing on your word, and demanding to not be a concubine!  But if he says “no,” or “not yet,” or “I have to think about it,” what would your response be?  You could Continue reading

0 How to help a friend going through a painful time

Danish asks: The grandmother of this girl I really like is in very critical condition in a hospital, so we can’t talk properly. I feel very bad for her and want to give her my emotional support. Can u please tell me what can I talk with her about, in this time when her family is in trouble?

Hi Danish –

I’m awfully sorry about her grandmother.  I hope she’s not suffering.

This is a very tough situation – for her of course, but also for you.  The fact is there’s no one-size-fits-all answer.  It’s just about what she needs at any particular time.

When my human friend Handsome was in his first year in college, a girl he was very close to found out that her long-distance boyfriend was breaking up with her.  She was devastated.  And she would, a few times a day, come to Handsome and cry on him.  But she also needed breaks from that.  So she’d go to another guy friend of hers, who didn’t have the emotional strength to handle her tears, and talk with him about anything but her romantic pain.  Between the two guys, she got what she needed, and was able to move on with her life after a couple of pained weeks.

Which guy was right? Which was what she needed?  Both!  But at different times.

So this girl is going through this tough time – scared, confused, and may be in grief soon.  What can you do?  Well, I’d say you can do the one thing both those boys did all those years ago:  BE THERE for her.  Do your best to see what she needs.  If it’s to cry and talk about her grandmother, then be there for that.  If it’s to get away and see a funny movie and think about anything else, then that’s a great thing to do with her too.

The two keys are, first, to be available.  But second, to be aware.  See what she needs.  Ask, if you have to ask, but it’s better if you can just tell.

We dogs are great at that.  I’ll be around a person who’s feeling sad, and just feel their pain, and walk over and lay my head in their lap.  You can’t quite do that with her, but you sure can give her the same message:  I CARE.

That’s what she needs to know most right now.  And the best gift you can give her.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should you make someone else your whole world?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle, a friend told me. “You shouldn’t make someone be your world.” I don’t quite get this thought, and I’ve tried for years already. Can you explain this to me? How bad is it to make someone your world? Is that bad even?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well I’m going to sound like a hypocrite here, because what I say is going to be very different from the way that I live.

You see, as you know, I’m a dog.  And we are genetically programmed to be extremely devoted to one person or pack.  In my case, it’s my human friend Handsome.  I have all sorts of other interests, like chasing squirrels and writing these letters, but in the end, he is my world.

But you’re a person.  And that line you’re asking about was written for people.

There is, of course, nothing wrong with falling head-over-heels in love, or devoting yourself to someone.  That’s just great.  But what they’re talking about is letting, or making, someone ALL you care about.  And yes, this is a recipe for disaster.

First, it’s a lot of Continue reading