Category Archives for "Questions"

0 What to do when you’re irrationally afraid of your partner’s ex

Awerpia asks:

I’m so confused Shirelle. I can’t seem to get my girlfriend’s ex out of my mind. The thought of him seems to haunt me and I wish I never knew of his existence. I know we have spoken at length about this issue but I don’t know how to get over it. I really regret ever laying eyes on him and I regret the day my girlfriend brought him to see me just because we attend the same church. I can’t seem to imagine my future with the woman I love without him popping up in my mind. I really feel anxious. I feel like one day he will return to the country to lay claims on her again. The worst part is any time I see violence I just feel like this guy is going to shoot me dead one day over the lady. I know it sounds funny but that’s how I truly feel.  And I can’t also imagine my life without my girlfriend. I love her so so much!  The guy still has old pictures of both of them together on social media and I really feel like even after all these years he still hasn’t gotten over her. Because there’s no new girl on his social media walls either. The worst part is that he had a good relationship with the girl’s family, especially her teenage brother. I feel like I don’t have a future with the woman I love without interference from this guy. And unfortunately I attend the same church with him, though we are in different congregations and he’s way out of the country. He lived in the same neighbourhood with my girlfriend before leaving. And because of his friendship with the girl’s family, even after breakup he would intentionally visit the girl using her little brother as an excuse. I really feel I can’t get him out of our lives. I don’t know if I can ever forgive my girlfriend for introducing him to me. I wish I could just wipe him out of my memory and especially hers too. And that he wouldn’t lay eyes on my girlfriend again. Help me out Shirelle!

Hi Awerpia –

So I think we’ve talked about all the reality-based answers I can come up with about this problem.  And I think we need to move on from those.

Don’t worry – I’m not calling you crazy.  But I am saying that this one tiny part of your brain is kind of crazy!  I mean, we know he’s not coming after you, and we know she prefers you, and even if her family adored him, we know they’re not rejecting you or asking her to do so.  So what’s the problem?

The problem is something deep in you.  A horrible fear.

You see, my friend, I’m guessing that these fears of yours have basically nothing to do with this guy.  And that if this wonderful girl had never had a boyfriend before you, you’d have something else bugging you this same way.  And I’m going to make a guess that this comes from a mixture of two things – a hesitance to commit fully to her, and your own fears of not being enough.

But, you argue to me, she’s great!  Why would you hesitate to commit to someone perfect?  Lots of reasons – because commitment of all kinds is scary, because everyone has faults and over time you’ll find more and more in her, because some part of you is trying to protect you from the devastation you’d experience if she left you.  All of these make sense. 

And why feel you’re not enough?  Because deep down, everyone fears that.  Just as you’re bound to find things about her that aren’t great, you know she’s going to find less-than-ideal qualities in you.  And (you probably believe) once she does, she’s bound to prefer her ex, who of course was better than you in so many ways!  Right?  (Even if it’s clear she wildly prefers you!)

So if I’m right, what can you do? 

Just one thing:  Relax, and accept that this is exactly where you are today.

Look at the rest of your life.  Is anything perfect?  Is anyone completely trustworthy, including you?  Isn’t there something to doubt or fear about everything?  But somehow you’ve walked through your day every day all these years.  You will continue to doubt, and to fear.  That just means you’re alive.

Just about every morning, Handsome gets dressed and leaves our home, locking me into the yard.  And every morning, I worry:  Will he forget about me?  Will he run off with another dog?  Will something happen to him and I’m locked in here forever?

So far, every time he’s left he’s come back.  Which eliminates those urgent fears.  But then they come back the next time he leaves.

And that’s part of my life.  It’s part of the drag of being a dog, and it’s part of the beauty of being domesticated and being head over heels in love with my human.

And that’s you.  Your fears, your doubts, are all signs of how much you love this woman.  So accept them.  How empty, and how boring, your life would be without them.

(And how great it would be for her ex’s ego to know how much you think about him!)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Why hasn’t the guy who flirted with me gotten back to me since?

Soumyaguna asks:

I’m working as an HR. And 2 days back I was asked to call a guy, Y, to offer him a designation. We clicked in the first go like magic. I don’t know how this happened, but we became comfortable around each other on the call, and talked for hours, all into the night. I was wondering how could  be so free around someone whom I met today! But the next day he didn’t text. And now he’s all on my mind all the time, even now – I can’t get rid of this. And I texted him yesterday, as I’d enjoyed laughing with him so much.  I sense he isn’t that interested. But when we spoke the first day he was so excited… He constantly praised me for every little thing.. He even told me he wanted to meet. But now he isn’t even interested to chat.  I’m very confused wondering what happened to me. Why can’t I just ignore him? Sometimes I feel love isn’t made for me. Maybe I’m too emotional and loyal when it comes to this. I stick to one person, but nowadays the trend goes for more. So, I definitely feel lonely, but I’m trying to make myself understand that maybe there is no one for me.

Hi Soumyaguna –

I’m going to assume that you haven’t heard anything more from this guy since you wrote me, and that you haven’t reached out to him either.  If I’m wrong, that’s okay, just let me know.

But if I’m right… Good for you!

You and he had a magical moment.  That’s great.  And he’s a flirt, no question (That’s not judgmental – I’m a huge flirt myself!).  And he talked as though he was going to get right back to you, and then didn’t.

So one of two things is true.  Either he just is a guy who loves to flirt and win women over, and doesn’t mean anything by it, and has done the same thing with ten other women since your conversation.  Or he really meant what he said, and then has gotten too nervous to call you back.

And in either case, my advice is to write or call him.  But it’s just great that it’s been this long.  It makes you look cooler, harder to get.  If you’d called him the next day, that wouldn’t have necessarily been a bad thing, but it would have given him all the power in the relationship. This way you’re actually taking charge by being the assertive one, “Hey, you popped into my mind this morning, and I remembered what a fun talk we had.  Let’s talk again.  Call me.”   Or if that’s too forward for you, “Hey I was just thinking how fun it was talking with you.  Want to talk again sometime?” 

You see, now that it’s been so long, you won’t come off as anything but cool and desirable!  And if he really was interested in you, he’s going to FLIP when he gets that call/text!

But now about the rest of what you wrote me.  If he is just a random flirt, that doesn’t say anything bad about you – he probably doesn’t flirt with people who don’t seem attractive to him.  And if he’s interested but nervous, that means you were totally exciting for him.  Neither one of those tells me that you’re not wantable or that love isn’t for you.

Believe me, if you want to feel that love isn’t for you, just try being a dog in a pound, where people walk past you every day not even noticing you because they want another breed, and you know that if you’re not chosen within five days you’ll be put to death!  That was my life, and while I’ve never believed I wasn’t wantable I was sure scared that I wasn’t wantable enough! 

But I was.  And ever since Handsome took me out of there, I’ve known that he wanted me more than anything in the world.

You’re not in the danger I was, but you’re in a bit of a pound.  And just like everyone else in this crazy year, you’re having way more trouble meeting people than you would have if things were normal. 

So I don’t know if this guy is ‘the real deal’ or not.  But love is for everyone.  Everyone is capable of it, and everyone deserves it.  So I know you are and do.

So give this guy another chance.  And if he doesn’t work out, just know that at the very least you’re fun to flirt with!  And that there will be more who will want to.

And if he does work out… well then you have only one important job to do:  LET ME KNOW!!  I’ll be so excited I’ll chase my tail for an hour!!

Best of luck,

Shirelle

0 Is it all right to still love an ex when you’ve moved on?

Lady Esther asks: I just got out of a relationship filled with intimacy because I felt I found someone who’ll make me happier. Two weeks after the break up, I started dating this new person and got intimate with him. But I feel I’m still in love with the old person. I don’t want to leave the new guy because he’s good and we also have a lot in common which is perfect for the future.
What am I to do now?

Hi Lady Esther –

So you sound a lot like me.  Or rather, like most of us pups.  You are able to love more than one person at the same time, and you feel love and appreciation for those who are good to you.

I don’t really know what’s wrong with that!

The problem you’re stuck with is that you can’t “have” both these people at the same time.  You are monogamous – or at least you believe that these people you like are! – and so you can’t just take them both as your intimate significant others.  

So here’s my question to you:  Can you live with your feelings, and just accept them?  Can you stay with this new person, who’s so great for you, and still be in love with your former mate… and just be okay with that?

This may sound a little morbid, but imagine what it would be like if your previous “main squeeze” had suddenly died for some reason. And then you connected with this person who actually treats you better; you’d likely stay in love with your late lover forever, right?  Of course the loss would be very sad, but other than that, you’d be okay, wouldn’t you?

I respect that you’re obeying the rules in your relationship, and not running back secretly to act on your love with your ex.  But just being in love with them, while moving forward in your life…  that just sounds intelligent to me.  

I love living with Handsome, and would never want to be anywhere else.  But I am madly in love with my boyfriend Kuma, who I only get to see occasionally on play dates.  And I’m also in love with a number of my human friends.  And I don’t want to change my heart at all – I love being in love with them all.  I also love being in love with mountains, with oceans, with squirrel-chasing, with pizza, with… oh it just goes on and on.

There’s nothing wrong with you, Lady Esther.  You just need to accept your heart, and let it be as big as it is.  And you’ll be fine.

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 Why would my boyfriend push me away when his life is difficult?

JuicyBest asks: My boyfriend has been having issues recently with his career, and his family angered him real bad.  I called to calm him down, but he answered me in a way I didn’t like.  I messaged him and said I pray he looks back one day and realizes he has a girlfriend that cares, but he replied that he’s not afraid of losing me.  Please, what does he mean by that?!

Hi JuicyBest –

I’m really sorry you have to go through this.  And I’m just as sorry for what he’s going through.  I don’t mean his career and family issues – I’m talking about something else.

Your boyfriend’s sounding to me like he’s going through a real depression.  Feeling low, angry, and out of touch with his own feelings about anything.  Everyone goes through these at times, but I’m seeing this everywhere lately, due to the pandemic lockdowns going on so much longer than anyone imagined.

When a person’s depressed, they’ll have other signs of it (not sleeping, or sleeping too much; sitting around not doing anything; etc.), but having job problems, and getting angry more easily than usual (even if it’s for perfectly valid reasons), are two of them. 

And one funny thing about depression is that it kind of likes to hold on to a person.  It whispers into their ear “I’m correct, so don’t let anyone talk you out of listening to me!”  And so, when you tried to calm him down, to make him feel better, Depression told him to push you away!  And then, when you reminded him that you care, Depression yelled louder “YOU DON’T NEED HER!  YOU JUST NEED ME!  TELL HER TO GO SNIFF A FIRE HYDRANT!!!” 

The really weird part of all this is that the reason he needed to push you away like that is because you matter to him.  If you didn’t, Depression might have suggested “Oh just be polite so she stops talking about this.” 

(Now I need to add, though you haven’t given me any reason to think this is the case, that addictions will do the same thing as Depression, just what I’ve been describing.  And if, say, he’s been drinking too much, it could be Alcohol whispering those same things into his ear.  In fact, addictive substances are often a way one tries to deal with Depression.  But in the long term using them for that always just make things worse.)

So the giant question here is what you should do.  And I don’t really have a good answer – it’s up to you.  Maybe you want to keep trying – to simply insist to him that he has a wonderful girlfriend who’s there for him and wants to help.  Maybe you want to step back but still be there for him when he’s ready to want you again.  And maybe you need to let him go, feeling that you deserve better than someone who doesn’t appreciate you.  Any of those might be the right thing to do, and that’s fully your decision.

The one thing I want you not to do, though, is to believe that you’re not lovable or wantable.  He’s going through a very bad phase, and that’s what’s making him push you away.  And nothing else.

Best of luck, whatever you choose!

Shirelle

0 Should one keep trying to get someone who’s married?

Laura asks:

I am in a relationship with a married man. He is very caring and we found a true love between us. He confirmed that he will divorce his wife and come to me and marry me. He in fact tried that several times, but his wife is not ready to divorce. Also his mother is not happy about him getting married to a new girl. I convinced him that that this is possible and nothing wrong, because he was not happy with his married life. Also we planned many things about our future. He takes care of me and he is very loving. But recently, he has gotten very influenced by his family and said he felt that this might not work. So he asked me to end this relationship and he is asking me to get married to another guy so that my future will be better and I don’t have to live a dark life. But I feel very heartbroken, because, all this while we were thinking of starting a life together to live happily, but now he is trying to get separated from me and it hurts. I agreed for separation, but still I am unable to leave him. I want him back. At the same time, I don’t want to pressure him to leave his family. I want him to consider me as a priority and start a happy life with me. Is there any possibility, and what would be your advice?

Hi Laura –

I am horribly sorry for you going through this.  I know it’s very difficult, as I’ve seen others struggle with similar situations.

I fully respect the institution of marriage (after all, I’m in a licensed relationship with someone myself!), but I do understand that sometimes marriages don’t work out, and people need to move on.  And I certainly understand how a good person could fall in love with a married person, or a married person could fall in love with someone other than their spouse.

But I don’t like affairs.  And here’s why – EXACTLY what you’re going through.  He may be fully sincere in his confusion and difficulty, but you’re the one who’s stuck alone most of the time.  When he’s having good times with his family, you’re home feeling crummy. 

My advice to people considering an affair is to wait until the married one leaves their spouse.  Even if they’re not legally divorced yet, they’ve shown they’re willing and able to take that step.

Your guy hasn’t done that.

And now he’s even telling you you should move on.  Because he doesn’t care about you?  No, I don’t think so.  I think it’s because you finding someone else would take away the guilt he’s experiencing because of dragging you into this.

And I don’t see any solution to this.  You say, very appropriately, that you want him to leave her because you’re his priority, not because you’ve manipulated him into it.  That’s great.  But he has shown you just what his priority is – staying with her, pleasing his family, being cautious.

That’s his right.

So your job is to do whatever it takes to move on from this.  If that means not speaking to him for a while, then do it.  If that means dating ten guys, that’s okay too (but please please PLEASE keep yourself safe from this awful virus!).  And if that means eating ten boxes of ice cream, then that’s okay too.

You’ve had an adventure, a beautiful romantic fantasy.  But it’s ending.  He’s going to be okay, as he’s showing.  All that matters now is what happens with you.

There’s no reason why you shouldn’t love him for the rest of your life; I imagine he’ll feel just that way about you.  But this is your life, and you deserve more adventures, and a love that’s all yours.

Get through this now.  A new, better, world awaits you when you’re done.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Is it wrong to cut off contact with an ex who’s reaching out?

AayuTheLegend asks: I’m contacting you today to tell you that recently my ex, who publicly insulted me and dumped for the dumbest reasons ever, has tried messaging me, calling me, DMing me on Instagram.  I ignored it until I was fed up because it had been a week of getting these messages, so I finally picked up a call after declining 5 times and she said “sorry.” I don’t know why, but hearing that word just triggered me and I scolded her and cut off the call… I haven’t gotten a call since but I think I did “too much.”

What’s your opinion?

Hi AayuTheLegend –

Usually I’m all for being kind and polite.  So I love that you’re worried you might have done too much.

But I don’t think you did.

Here’s the deal.  First, she’s your ex, who insulted you in public and dumped you stupidly.

Second, she basically stalked you, not letting you take the space you clearly wanted, to the point of harassment.

And third, she hit you with “Sorry,” which sounds to me like “Oh you need to forgive me,” instead of finding out what you were feeling.

So you have all three of those reasons to be annoyed with her, and all three of those behaviors to stop in her.

And being too sweet wasn’t going to do it.

What you needed to do was to make it clear to her that none of these behaviors was going to work.  And you did it.

And the behaviors have stopped.

So what’s to feel bad about?

Now there may come a day in the future when you and she talk, and you feel like apologizing to her for being so abrupt with her, while she apologizes to you for the insults, breakup, and stalking.  Fine, I’m all for all that.

But for now, you’ve set a clear boundary, that you don’t want to be treated like this.  And to me, that’s that’s … um …   Legendary!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do about a girl who’s hitting on your boyfriend

Blessing Special asks:

There’s this girl that has been disturbing my boyfriend. He told me all about her. She even ruined our dinner one time with her call, for which my boyfriend was mad at her.  He pleaded with me and we were cool, but I told him am not comfortable with her calls. But he keeps saying that he isn’t talking to her any more and he muted her on WhatsApp. Now my question to him was why can’t you block her since she got your number from your cousin and she’s disturbing you even when she knows that you have a girlfriend? She’s still throwing passes at you. He then said that he couldn’t block her because she’s his cousin’s friend and that his cousin will feel bad. So my feelings doesn’t matter, but that of your cousin whose friend is disturbing our peace does? She keeps sending him dirty voice notes and trashy chat.  I am not comfortable at all.

Hi Blessing Special –

Oh WOW do I relate!  Handsome is WAY too friendly with other puppies, and I get super-jealous.  But this is especially so because she’s doing this when you’re there, and of course you’re offended.

I do understand your boyfriend wanting to be nice to her for his cousin’s sake, but you’re right – the cousin’s feelings shouldn’t come before yours.

So I have an idea.  Maybe it’ll work, maybe not, but if your boyfriend is in agreement…

What if, the next time she calls when you’re together, he answers, but then says “Hey I’m sorry I can’t talk right now, but can you talk to Blessing Special?”  And hands you the phone.

Maybe she’ll hang up right away, maybe she’ll be rude to you, or maybe she’ll be really nice to you.  I don’t know.  But the statement he’ll be making will be clear – that you’re the one who matters, and if she wants to deal with him, she’s dealing with the two of you.  And that’s the message she needs to hear, and the message you need him to give.

Once she knows he’s on your side, I imagine these stupid calls will stop.  So if you talk with her, you don’t need to be mean.  Just pretend to be ignorant, “Oh hello, who’s this?  Oh how do you know Ingmar (or whatever your boyfriend’s name is)?  Oh yes, I know that cousin, he’s great!” etc.

What do you think?  Can it work?

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone breaks up with you but wants to keep talking as friends

Aditya23 asks:  I’m a 17 year old boy with an 18 year old girlfriend. We’ve been dating three years now and our love has transformed from a childhood to a serious post teenage love. I really love her and want her in my life. She’s a bit childish and I love her like that. A few days ago I was with my dad and watching tv when she called me. I ignored the call and texted “I’m with my dad will call you in 5.” She kept calling again and again and when I finally picked up I told her (not in calm voice but not shouting too) “I told you I’m with my father, can’t you wait for a while.” She hung up and after few times the fight was sorted by simple sorry from both sides. Yesterday we had a small argument again, and after that she said she doesn’t love me like she used to before. The day I shouted on her left a negative impact on her and our love, and she wants to break up. She said she loves me but not like our love was before. She’s still constantly texting me and saying that we can still be friends. We had this breakup conversation at noon yesterday and since then she’s constantly calling me and asking me to talk – but not as a boyfriend anymore, just as a best friend. She’s still afraid of me shouting again and saying she never wants to date me again, as she has stopped feeling like dating me. I love her very much and I gave her time to relax and think, but she wants to talk to me but not as a boyfriend anymore. I really apologized for that day, but she’s saying she has stopped feeling that for me. I want her back in my life. Please help.

Hi Aditya23 –

I understand this very well, from both sides.  I have befriended dogs and humans, and at some point barked or even snapped at them, and then let them know all was fine, but they were angry or frightened, so much that we couldn’t become friends.

And I’ve also been with someone who scared me so badly that, no matter how nice they were to me afterwards, I couldn’t be as close or playful with them as before. 

So I get it.

But there’s one thing I haven’t done, in this situation.  I haven’t ever been so scared of someone I couldn’t bear to be with them, and then spent all my time reaching out to them and telling them over and over that I was keeping distant. 

That is something different!

And that behavior, her reaching out to you over and over to tell you that she just wants to be friends, makes me pretty optimistic for you!

It reminds me of a situation some years back.  Handsome, my human, was dating a wonderful woman with a cute five-year-old daughter, who adored me and called me “The Bestest Dog in the World!”  (Even Handsome had never called me that!)  She’d always wanted a father, and thought Handsome would make a very good one.  She actually wanted to tell people that he was her father.  But she knew she couldn’t do that.  So instead she would tell them that he wasn’t!.  Now that wasn’t a big problem if she was talking to her mommy’s friends, but when she started going up to strangers in parks saying “That man is not my father!” her mom had to stop her before someone called the police!

And your girlfriend is doing the same thing as that little girl.  If she’d really just felt she wanted to be friends and nothing more, she’d have said so and then acted more distantly from you.  Instead, she’d be avoiding you, and when you called her, trying to be extra-distant.

But she may not realize she’s doing this, any more than that little girl knew she almost put my guy in prison as a kidnapper!  And I think the reason she’s behaving this way is because she is so attached to you that she’s frightened – if someone she didn’t care much about yelled at her she might be fine, but I think she’s scared you’re beginning to reveal your true self to her.

So here’s my advice.  Accept her ‘friendship.’  Give her the space she needs.  But every time you talk, tell her again how sorry you are about what happened.  And even better, tell her that you’re working on yourself to make sure that you never do anything like that again to anyone.  That you’re talking to people about why you might have blown up that way, and how to control angry outbursts in the future.

And what you’ll really be doing is telling the frightened part of her that you are more trustworthy than anyone else she knows.  That anyone can blow up accidentally, but you are taking control of it.

You see, that’s the part of her you’re working on. Trying to get it to calm down and stop fearing you so much.

I don’t know how long that will take.  A week, a month, longer?  But she will learn to trust you if you keep it up.

And what to do then?  Well, I’d say to see where you two are then.  Will it have taken so long that you’ve lost interest in her?  Or will she have found a new boyfriend?

Or will you two both miss each other so much, and feel even more for each other than you did before, and collapse into each other’s arms in complete joy!

I don’t know.  But I do know that right now, trust is the only issue that matters.  And anything you can do to convince her you’re worthy of her trust is just what she needs.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is driving you crazy with mixed signals

Blessing Special asks:

Once I told you about my boyfriend tracking my phone and seeing some chat he didn’t like and the ones he misunderstood.  Then, after like a week we weren’t on good terms after, we talked about everything and tried to resolve the issue.  But I noticed that ever since that period, my boyfriend always tries to find out what’s going on in my life without asking questions directly. Rather he would prefer using other means to get what he wants. I haven’t found it funny when he keeps using my pass to talk to me like I was nothing good. I told him once that I do not like him talking to me using my past to make it look like I was trash. I’d rather he should be plain to me and tell me if there’s something he would like to know, that he would like me to do or stop. But still he hasn’t stopped and when I tell him that I do not like these things he acts like he owes me no explanation or apology and he’s ready to stay without checking on for as long as I feel bad about it. It’s been 6 days he hasn’t even said a word to me. I try to call his attention to what he did that I didn’t like, but he tells me that I should see it anyway, that he’s not going to explain anything to me. I felt bad about what he said but then I knew he was talking out of anger or something disturbing him, but I still don’t understand why he can’t speak up openly and tell me things he either observes that he doesn’t like or what he expects me to, because I feel like the feeling isn’t mutual, because each time we have issues I always call first. That’s because I don’t stay upset for too long. And also there’s this conversation going on between us because of the lock down. I haven’t gone back to school, so I tried looking for something to do, but the places I went wanted someone stable, so I decided to try selling ladies’ handbags and slippers (I had no cash because my rent was about to expire). I discussed my plans with him, and he even asked for pictures which I sent him, and it’s been like 4 months now he hasn’t said a word about it. So I came up to him to tell him of a friend who was willing to lend me the money to start it up and pay him later, but he wasn’t okay with it, saying the guy might want something in return (me). So I let that go, but then he came up one morning and started beating around the bush, saying we need to talk, that all I do is wake up, chat nasty with him, and want to see his face again. Then he skipped that and went ahead saying some stuff that got me feeling so ashamed of myself, because it was embarrassing. Normally I and my boyfriend talk at length and exchange romantic words. Sometimes he asks for videos I send to him when he travels.  And we do video calls. But then he just came up and started making me feel like I was the only one talking dirty. I’m so confused right now. I want to know what to do and where this is going. I don’t want to jump into conclusions that I might regret or take any unwise decision.

Hi Blessing Special –

            Have you ever heard of the Ivan Pavlov?  He was a brilliant scientist who worked to understand human and animal behavior many years ago.  His most famous experiments involved dogs whom he’d train by giving a treat when they’d get a signal, or a punishment (a slight electrical) shock at others.  He found things like that we’d start to salivate at the sound of that good signal, proof that our bodies react to symbols.  And that he could train us to do certain things by these means.

            But one of the darker results of his experiments was what would happen if he mixed the signals too much.  When he gave the happy signal to dogs and then shocked them, they started to freak out, and literally go mad. 

            And this is what this guy is doing to you.  I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose or not, but to have “naughty” chats and ask for videos of you, and then shame you for them – that’s crazy-making to anyone.  And his whole thing of avoiding telling you what’s actually on his mind, but making you feel you’ve done something wrong – that’s just mean.

            So again, maybe it’s just that this guy is bad at relationships.  Or he’s doing it on purpose to mess with you.  I don’t know.  But I know that I don’t like what’s happening at all, and I want it to end.

            I know you’ve talked with him about it before, but my suggestion is to make it tougher on him – to tell him that this stuff needs to change, and now.  If he refuses, or if he says okay but keeps acting the same way, I hate to say it but my suggestion would be to leave him.  I know you love him, but I don’t want you to end up like one of Pavlov’s dogs, getting put to sleep because you’re incapable of acting rationally.  And that’s just the way he’s sending you!

            All my very very best,

            Shirelle

0 Is it better or worse for families to pick their children’s spouses?

Hi Shirelle,

                 As for the girl I am seeing, it didn’t work out between our families so I am not seeing her now. Sometimes things just feel like the “Super Mario” game. Where you play the whole level just to know at the end that “your queen is in another castle” .  But some things are not in my control to make things work.

                 I just don’t understand, in an arranged marriage, who should be given weightage: the girl or her family.  In this case, her family was too concerned with a lot of things and this behavior my parents didn’t like. So they decided not to continue the process with this family.

                 I don’t know if whatever happened was good or bad.

Sincerely,

Kiran1209

Hi Kiran1209 –

I’m not one to argue for or against the system of arranged marriage.  But the best argument I’ve ever heard for it is that most people become, as they age, more like their parents.  So parents actually have a better sense of whether their kid and someone are right for each other than the two young people do.  

If that’s the case, you may well find, twenty years or so from now, that you’re very glad to be with a woman who shares your values, and that you’re not in that other family (even though you might still like them).  But if you’re an exception to the argument, maybe you’ll always have some resentment that you got paired up with someone more like your parents, and less like this girl you were so fond of.

I have no idea which will happen.  Though I do believe, from everything you say, that your parents’ intention is completely good.  As are her parents’ intentions.

All I can do is wish for you the incredible luck that I had – that my “arranged marriage” that happened when Handsome bought me at the pound, has been the joy of my life, and that I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.  May you find a woman you treasure and feel gratitude for every moment, for the rest of this life and beyond.

That’s not too much to ask, is it?!

Cheers,

Shirelle