Is it all right to still love an ex when you’ve moved on?

Lady Esther asks: I just got out of a relationship filled with intimacy because I felt I found someone who’ll make me happier. Two weeks after the break up, I started dating this new person and got intimate with him. But I feel I’m still in love with the old person. I don’t want to leave the new guy because he’s good and we also have a lot in common which is perfect for the future.
What am I to do now?

Hi Lady Esther –

So you sound a lot like me.  Or rather, like most of us pups.  You are able to love more than one person at the same time, and you feel love and appreciation for those who are good to you.

I don’t really know what’s wrong with that!

The problem you’re stuck with is that you can’t “have” both these people at the same time.  You are monogamous – or at least you believe that these people you like are! – and so you can’t just take them both as your intimate significant others.  

So here’s my question to you:  Can you live with your feelings, and just accept them?  Can you stay with this new person, who’s so great for you, and still be in love with your former mate… and just be okay with that?

This may sound a little morbid, but imagine what it would be like if your previous “main squeeze” had suddenly died for some reason. And then you connected with this person who actually treats you better; you’d likely stay in love with your late lover forever, right?  Of course the loss would be very sad, but other than that, you’d be okay, wouldn’t you?

I respect that you’re obeying the rules in your relationship, and not running back secretly to act on your love with your ex.  But just being in love with them, while moving forward in your life…  that just sounds intelligent to me.  

I love living with Handsome, and would never want to be anywhere else.  But I am madly in love with my boyfriend Kuma, who I only get to see occasionally on play dates.  And I’m also in love with a number of my human friends.  And I don’t want to change my heart at all – I love being in love with them all.  I also love being in love with mountains, with oceans, with squirrel-chasing, with pizza, with… oh it just goes on and on.

There’s nothing wrong with you, Lady Esther.  You just need to accept your heart, and let it be as big as it is.  And you’ll be fine.



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