Category Archives for "Questions"

0 What to do when your husband doesn’t want to spend time with you

Tasmyne asks: I just recently got married to someone I’ve been dating for 10 years. We were living together. I also just had a baby who is 4 months old. My husband has this thing that every weekend he is out with his buddies. I am still on maternity leave and am home all day. I have a nanny who also helps me. I hardly see my husband during the week, and when I do he is constantly tired (as he owns his own business) or he is on the phone conducting business. If he is not doing that, then he is at the gym and when he is done gyming he tends to go chill with his friends. My problem is that he sees his buddies every day during the week, and then on the weekend he is with them. He doesn’t seem to realize that he never spends time with his family. So I thought I would suggest a date night. Since my daughter is a little older now. I suggested we have date night once every 4 months at least just so we can have some time together. The response I got from him was “Who are we going to leave the kids with (we also have a 7 yr old son),” because he can’t leave the kids with his mom all the time. My issue is that it will be once every 4 months and I was also going to ask my mom. Or if I really needed a baby sitter I would pay my nanny overtime to stay the night as she only works days. As I write to you now it’s 2 am and he is still out with his friends. Tomorrow morning he will be too tired to eat breakfast with us. He will probably wake up after lunch and be gone again. I have no idea what to do. I feel so alone and fat and unattractive because all I see is a husband who doesn’t want to spend time with me or his kids. A few weeks ago he stayed out all night. I woke up at 7 am and he still was not home. After telling me he will be home at 2 pm. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I tracked his car to a hotel parking lot. I could not leave my kids to go searching for him as it was my nanny’s day off. I asked his brother to go check it out for me. This was the day he was supposed to take the kids on a safari. He apparently got so drunk he passed out and one of his friends who is the boss of the security guards at this hotel drive his car there so it would be safe. And his other friend was supposed to drive him home, but instead his friend drove him to his place where he passed out on the couch. He only contacted me at 10 am that day. I was so angry I took myself and my kids to my mom’s place. I still can’t get past that day as I seriously think he cheated on me, as the whole story doesn’t add up. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Tasmyne –

I get a lot of letters, as you know, and very often they have mistakes in them.  Misspellings, typos, or even flat-out wrong words.  That’s fine; I just clean them up to make them more readable before I post them.

So when you said that you offered to have a date night with your new husband once ever four months, I thought, “Oh she was just emotional when she wrote this.  She means every four weeks.  I’ll suggest she make it every one or two.”

But it wasn’t a mistake; you actually said Four Months, more than once.  And he said no?!  Three dates a year with his wife?

Something is VERY wrong!

My human friend Handsome can’t stand it if he goes four NIGHTS in a row without spending one with me, and I’m a dog!

Now I don’t know exactly what’s wrong.  You think he might be cheating; I’ll admit, my imagination went there too.  His friends say he’s drinking to horrible excess – that would be pretty awful even if that’s all that’s wrong.

If you and he were only dating, I’d say this is something to look at very strongly, and work on making it better.  If you had been married for twenty years, I’d recommend couples therapy to find what’s wrong underneath all this.

But you two are newlyweds?!  This is simply awful.

I do have one thought.  Some men get very Continue reading

0 What does it mean to “never beg to be loved?”

PERFECTION asks: What does it mean to “never beg to be loved?”

Hi PERFECTION –

My friend, your asking me this question is like asking me what it means to fly, or to walk on two legs.  It’s something I know exists, but it sure doesn’t apply to me!

The best illustration I can give of this concept is cats, and cat-people.  (Note – I’m going to write this SOOOOO non-judgmentally!  And that’s SOOOOOO hard for me!  So please, give me some applause for my Gandhi-level tolerance here!).

There are people who like cats more than dogs.  And they’re perfectly sane, and have the right to do so (DO YOU SEE HOW HARD I’M STRUGGLING HERE?!).   And one reason, maybe the biggest reason, for that is that they really don’t like the way dogs are always coming up to them, wanting to lick them and play with them and love and be loved by them.  They find this behavior annoying and insincere.  They far prefer the company of kitties, who will come to them out of need (for food or shelter) or out of a temporary wish for affection and attention – and then go mind their own business, often in a way those people find cute and meaningful.

Now you know very well, I’m no cat, and my human friend Handsome is quite the opposite of those people.  He loves  the attention I give him, loves that I want his attention, and it simply melts his heart when I come to him begging for love.

The fact is though, when it comes to humans interacting with other humans, the issues are subtler.  A person who is generally drawn to more effusive people is still going to want some space, and get tired of being asked “Honey, do you still love me?”  And the person who likes cooler, more self-contained people, is still going to need reminders that their partner wants and needs their love.

So while I can imagine someone meant very well when they told you to “Never beg to be loved,” I’d change that to “Always Continue reading

0 What to do when an abuser breaks up with you

Kavita asks: I got married one and half years back. My husband is very good person by heart, but when he gets angry he’ll act like a demon. Once, for no good reason, we fought, and he beat me up and left home and blocked me from everywhere. Then one day out of frustration I cheated on him (meaning I kissed a guy and he also kissed me) and now my husband found out about this and is asking for a divorce. I don’t know what I should do?

Hi Kavita –

I don’t know enough about the earlier part of your marriage to say anything super-intelligent, but it sure sounds to me like this relationship has run its course.

First, I am not  a fan of men who beat women up.  I love a good fun friendly fight as much as anyone, but this is more like getting kicked by a person with metal-toed boots.  Then, he’s blocking you from knowing anything about him, but suddenly able to find out what you’re doing, and saying he wants a divorce because you kissed a guy?

It sounds to me like he’s looking for excuses.  Maybe he’s been running around, or even has a girlfriend (or wife!) now, and doesn’t want to look like ‘the bad guy’ in the divorce proceedings.

My biggest question to you is why you’d want to stay with him, after he treats you this way.  I know you two have this year and a half together behind you, but I’m thinking maybe it’s time to let this go.

If he sounded interested at all, I’d be recommending you to go to Continue reading

0 How to handle someone who wants to take longer before starting a relationship than you do

Ojisan asks: I have a crush on a girl, and I thought she liked me too because I openly flirted with her about making her my girlfriend and she used to say “we’ll see.” Finally I proposed to her but she rejected me. Normally most people would avoid each other after this but she is still close to me. Whenever I joke about my confession to her she says that everything takes time and one should know the person really well before coming into a relationship. I still like her but I’m confused. Is she hinting to me to take my time, or am I just overthinking too much and should just be friends?

Hi Ojisan –

People love to talk about the differences between cats and dogs. Now of course you and I know that cats are awful and stinky and need to be chased, right? Right?

(Okay, okay, I know, they deserve freedom and happiness just like anyone else, and I have to learn to be tolerant, and some of them are really great, okay…  But that’s not what I’m talking about here anyway.)

Most dogs, when you meet us, are instantly friendly. We want to be your best friend. We want to sniff you and lick you and jump on you (some of us have been trained not to, but we do want to!). That’s just the way we are.

Meanwhile, most cats are far more cautious. They stand back, figuring you out, to see if you’ll be nice or not. And even once they know you’re nice, they still hold back – they stay ‘cool,’ even standoffish, except when they just can’t take it anymore and come to you for a cuddle.

Well people are a lot like cats and dogs. Some are eager at once to connect all the way, and some hold back. It doesn’t mean the eager ones will be more committed than the hold-backers; sometimes the opposite happens. But it does mean it’s a good idea to look at people and figure out what they need and how they want to be treated.

In a sense, Ojisan, you’re a dog and she’s a cat. Your view is that if two people like each other they should admit it and run into each other’s arms. While she seems to be feeling, “That’s great, he likes me just as I like him. Now let’s start seeing what each other is like, and if I should allow him even a step closer!”

Now here’s the great news, Ojisan – she is telling you, in every way, to Continue reading

0 What to do when someone wrongly rejects you for a medical condition

Casmir asks: Hey, hope I will get help and won’t be judged. I am gay and I have been in a discordant relationship with my boyfriend for the last six months. He loved me the way I am, though he came to know my HIV status before I could tell him, but he later was okay with it and loved me unconditionally. Well my viral loads have not been good of late and I was given three months to do the next one (this month was the last month) but lately I came to realize that I was not the problem; I have been taking the wrong medication for one year now and that is why my viral load went high. I was depressed and felt frustrated. On Sunday I called my boyfriend. He was at work. I told him how I felt, and he told me he is coming to see me. In a few minutes time he was at my place, so I shared how I felt, but what he said shocked me. He told that he feels like he is now at risk of getting HIV and he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. I was so emotional that I couldn’t help it. He later went back to work. I was so depressed, hurt and in pain that I texted him, and later at night he called me and told me that he wants us to be friends, that nothing is gonna change apart from the intimacy part. I tried to stop him from making the decision but he said we should try it. I am not comfortable with the friendship thing, since it will hurt me more knowing that he is not my boyfriend but we still hang out together. I just don’t know what do. I am hoping that he will change his mind later on and decide to be together; maybe this was too much for him to take in, or is it because he is undergoing so much pressure at his work place that he just wants to break up (since we were on a relationship break we had finished one week). I am confused and desperate. Please help.

Hi Casmir –

I’m in a very difficult position here.  On one hand, you’ve dealt with a lot of unpleasant issues – you were born with a quality that a lot of the world stupidly and unfairly rejects, you got a terrifying medical condition, and you have been “friend-zoned” by someone you love.  All of these are just rotten, and you have every reason to feel bad about them.

Then on the other hand, you’ve just been told that the life-threatening disease you were told you had is actually a mis-diagnosis, and you’re fine, just suffering from some wrong medication.

But I don’t hear you jumping for joy over that one.  And you should be.

You should, my friend, be out of your mind with ecstasy about this.  YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE!   You had been told you were dying and you’re NOT!

Now, do you still have a condition that’s hard to live with?  You sure do.  And you have to Continue reading

0 How to deal with a boyfriend girlfriend who treats you badly

confusedafgirl asks: I have had many boyfriends and I always thought, “ok this is love.” But I truly fell in love with a guy who was my best friend for two years and we really shared every minute with each other. But then, due to some problems, he left me and started dating another girl. He came back, but I wanted commitment, so he left again and dated some other girl. Now I was alone, no friends and nothing, and then a boy entered in my life making me happy, and everyone says how perfect we are together – even after six months he hasn’t made me cry. We solve everything perfectly, but now this ex of mine has been drunk-calling me for four months, and he’s too depressed, and he doesn’t have any friends, and he wants me back. I know I should be with my current boyfriend, but I always miss my ex too, and I had promised him that I’ll always be there for him, and I don’t break promises, but now I don’t want to hurt my current boyfriend too. In between many things had happened. Before my ex I was raped, and he helped me move past that, but when he left I tried killing myself (after that I went for sessions and now I’m okay). But now my ex is depressed in the same way and I don’t want him to do anything stupid. Please help me. I’m really confused.

Hi confusedafgirl –

Okay, I have a long answer to part of your question, but let me move past this other part first.  You promised a guy who broke up with you twice, for other girls, that you’d always be there for him?  That promise is NULL AND VOID!  Sorry, guy, but whatever promises she gave you, you invalidated when you broke her heart, TWICE.  End of story, she owes you NOTHING.

All right, so that’s my very quiet subtle doggy voice there.  I hope that’s okay.  But even if it seems harsh, I’m not apologizing or lessening my opinion in any way.

Now, onto your main question.  You had a guy you were crazy about who treated you like last week’s garbage.  Then you found a new guy who treats you like the princess you are, but you feel drawn to that last guy, especially as you know he’s feeling bad.

So, you’re human, you’re a good person, and you’re complicated.

But you’re also something else.  You’re addicted.

What?  This mutt is saying you’re a drunk, or a druggie?  No I’m not.  But your addiction to your ex-boyfriend is just like the addiction you could have to cigarettes or alcohol or drugs.  It goes to the same part of the brain.

Think about it.  Have you ever known an alcoholic?  Have you seen how they have the ability to reject everything wonderful in their lives (say marriage, kids, job), completely believing it’s a way better idea to get drunk in the middle of the day?

And what exactly is different from that, in your behavior?

Now maybe you didn’t mention that your ex is the best-looking, sexiest, guy since David Beckham and Bruno Mars?  But even if that’s true, he treated you badly.  So just like the alcoholic who says “But orange juice never tasted as good as a martini,” you’re treating yourself badly for the sake of a good feeling you get from that “substance.”

Now I don’t know if this new guy is actually right for you.  But I can see you have an addiction to the old boyfriend.  And just as with a drunk or a heroin addict, your job is to Continue reading

0 How to get your oldest child to behave better.

Ashima17 asks: I am the mother of two kids – a nine-year-old son and a one-year-old daughter. I am worried about my elder one; his behaviour is very rude to me. Maybe because I always scold him for studies in front of people He said, “My mother does not love me anymore, every time she hits me, she used wrong words to me.” I agreed that I am doing all this, because he doesn’t want to sit for studies. He always misbehaves, he never listens me. I am worried what to do how to handle him and get him mannered and disciplined.

Hi Ashima17 –

There’s a lot going on here, and I probably don’t know a lot of it, but I can tell you the bit I see.  And really it comes down to two things.

First of all, although there’s a really large age difference between your children, your son is still pretty much guaranteed to have been very affected by the birth of his sister. I get bothered when I see my human friend Handsome pet other dogs, but you went way beyond that. I know you don’t see it this way, but a child will see getting a new sibling as the greatest insult ever.  He was your only one, the center of your universe.  Then suddenly, he’s told “I’m going to cut the attention and focus you get in half.”  Actually probably he’s getting a lot less than that, just because of the amount of care a baby requires.  And there’s no way for him not to be angry and jealous, even if he also loves and enjoys the new baby.

But even if you hadn’t had that little girl, he’d be very likely to go through a phase like this sometime.  The tough question is how you deal with it.

I’m a big fan of a discipline method called “Catch them being good.”  What this means is that, instead of punishing your child for the wrong things he does, you reward him for the good things, even the ones that seem small.  So if he gets a good grade on a test, take him out for ice cream.  And if he does something nice for his baby sister, give him an extra half-hour of TV or computer time.   Now I don’t mean you have to do this every time – it’s actually better if it’s a bit random.

What you’re doing with this is changing the nature of his environment.  Instead of life being a mine-field of ways to do wrong and get punished, each day is filled with opportunities to feel successful and loved.

In a way, Handsome did this with me when I was a puppy.  I was a wildly  obnoxious little girl, always biting him and chewing on his things.  But a trainer taught him how best to deal with me: he filled his house with doggy toys, enough so that there’d always be one in reach. Then if I bit him or some other thing I wasn’t supposed to, he’d instantly say “No!” and get me away from it, and then suddenly jam a toy into my mouth, and start petting and complimenting me, “Oh look what a smart little girl you are!”  Sure enough, before too long, when I wanted to bite someone, I’d instead grab a toy; all was good and successful.

So if you can do that with him, my guess is his behavior would change fairly soon.  Now of course, just as Handsome had to say “No!” to me, you’ll still need to correct your son when he does mean or mistaken things.  What we want is for you to, more often than those, find ways to tell him how good he’s being.

It’s not easy, and it’s not overnight, but my honest guess is that doing that will solve more problems, sooner, than any other method with this.

GOOD LUCK!  And thanks for writing!

Shirelle

0 How to ask someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend

Outcast asks: I chickened out on asking the girl I like to be my girlfriend. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just need an idea on how to tell her. Do you have any idea I can use?

Hi Outcast –

I hardly ever disagree with things people say when they ask me questions, but in your case I’m inclined to.  You say you “chickened out,” and that there’s something wrong with you.  But from what you’ve written me before, it sounds like there were lots of reasons to suspect that she’s not ready for a relationship yet, and would reject you.

Now yes, I did encourage you to go ahead and try if you wanted to.  And I would have loved you doing that.  But as it is, I wonder if you actually had a smarter voice than me, that little voice inside your head, that read her correctly.  And said “Don’t do it, Outcast.  At least, don’t do it now.  Let her grow, and let your relationship grow.  And see where that goes.”

I’m a big fan of instinct, and live much of my life by trusting mine.  And I find one huge mistake humans make is to not listen to theirs, and instead trust some idea they’ve been told.

So I’m not going to call you chicken, or say something’s wrong with you.  Instead, I’m going to say you are smart, instinctual, and sensitive to her feelings.

But NOW, with all that going for you, what can we do to win her over?!

Well, you’ve told me she’s been hurt before in a relationship.  One easy thing is to Continue reading

0 Is it a weakness to be an optimist

PERFECTION asks: I’m the kind of person full of positive vibes. I always tell myself “I can do it” regardless what it is, as long as I believe in myself. Not only to myself but I’m also injecting positivity to people I know and to everyone who needs it. Sometimes I also tend to give ideas that could help them see things the other way around. I’m not actually a seer though, I’m just trying to help them; they may never do what I did, but who am I to judge. Everyone has its own different pathways in life. I always wonder, being a positive person like me, defying all the negativity in life, all those words I hear like “you can’t do it” and “it’s impossible” seem to give me even more courage to push through. So what do you think is my greatest weakness?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well as you can guess, you’re talking to a mirror here.  I’m very much that positive spirit too, and have this website just so I can give that to others.

Which leads me to ask… why do you even need to know what your “greatest weakness” is?  I mean, I can say what the weaknesses are in living “glass half-full,” but isn’t part of the joy of positivism not focusing on what’s wrong?

Having said that, your question reminds me of one of Handsome’s favorite movies, Bride of Frankenstein.  Early in it, a man suggests a friend join him in a drink, “Have some gin.  It’s my only weakness.”  Later he offers someone a smoke, “Have a cigar.  They’re my only weakness.”  So I love to say squirrels are my only weakness, pizza is my only weakness, and tummy-rubs are my only weakness.  I sure have no way to figure out which one is my greatest one though!

Many would say that the great weakness of a positive attitude is blindness to the negative.   And I’d agree that it can be.  Sort of.

Handsome has saved my life many times by not letting me run across a street to chase a cat, when I would have been run over by a car.  But I’d argue that it’s not my positive attitude about the cat that would have been the problem, but my inability to judge cars.

Similarly, if you go out and spend money you don’t have because “Oh I’m sure I’ll get more tomorrow,” that’s probably kind of stupid.  But if you spend it on something that’s worth you getting in debt (say an education, or a wedding ring if things work out with that girl you’ve been thinking about!), then I wouldn’t call that bad at all – as long as you’re aware that the debt is coming, and you’ll have to spend a while paying it off.

Maybe the other possible “greatest weakness” is that you’ll annoy people.  Negative-minded people can get really bothered by someone being positive all the time.  And even I can understand that.  Handsome told me about a woman he knew at school who was arguing that everything is always for the best.  Someone asked her, “What about Hitler?!” and she answered “Yes he did many bad things, but think of all the beautiful music and movies and other things that came out of that war,” and everyone around her exploded in fury – and I sure understand why!

So maybe my best argument would be that you need to Continue reading

0 What to do when best friends are jealous of each other’s crushes

Tayo asks: I have a guy that likes me, and I like him too. But he doesn’t want to date me (and I feel the same way). But anytime I’m with a guy or he’s with a girl, we get jealous. He said he is tired of girls’ issues. (I have a long time crush. That’s why I can’t date him.) What can we do about it?

Hi Tayo –

So it sounds to me like you’re best friends, one of those pairs of best friends that’s almost like a married couple, but without the romantic/dating part.  So even though you want a romance (with the person you have the crush on) and he says he’s tired of girl issues, you still feel he’s yours, and he feels you’re his, so you get jealous of others when they step into your beautiful “marriage.”

I’m afraid there’s no perfect answer to this one, and the truth is that the only thing that will fix it is when one of you does truly get involved with someone.  But when that happens, that will change your relationship.  Which will be a little bit sad, while of course it’ll lead to all sorts of good stuff too.

But in the meantime, you guys are going to be like me around Handsome.  I feel a bit shut out when he has girlfriends over, even if they like me, and I get VERY jealous when he pets other dogs.  But in the end, he and I are always a team.  And if he does end up marrying one of these women, I know the three of us will become a team (and will still be when a fourth or fifth comes along!).

So my best advice is to Continue reading