What to do when an abuser breaks up with you

Kavita asks: I got married one and half years back. My husband is very good person by heart, but when he gets angry he’ll act like a demon. Once, for no good reason, we fought, and he beat me up and left home and blocked me from everywhere. Then one day out of frustration I cheated on him (meaning I kissed a guy and he also kissed me) and now my husband found out about this and is asking for a divorce. I don’t know what I should do?

Hi Kavita –


I don’t know enough about the earlier part of your marriage to say anything super-intelligent, but it sure sounds to me like this relationship has run its course.


First, I am not  a fan of men who beat women up.  I love a good fun friendly fight as much as anyone, but this is more like getting kicked by a person with metal-toed boots.  Then, he’s blocking you from knowing anything about him, but suddenly able to find out what you’re doing, and saying he wants a divorce because you kissed a guy?


It sounds to me like he’s looking for excuses.  Maybe he’s been running around, or even has a girlfriend (or wife!) now, and doesn’t want to look like ‘the bad guy’ in the divorce proceedings.


My biggest question to you is why you’d want to stay with him, after he treats you this way.  I know you two have this year and a half together behind you, but I’m thinking maybe it’s time to let this go.


If he sounded interested at all, I’d be recommending you to go to couples therapy; that’s often a great way to create understanding between people who have lost a sense of who they’re partnered with.  But many therapists wouldn’t even let him into their offices, given his having beaten you up.  And I sure don’t think it sounds like he’d want to do the work anyway.


If I’m wrong, Kavita, and he would actually be up for putting effort into the relationship, then I’m all for it.  But he stays the way you describe him, I think you both might be better off moving on.


We dogs, you know, are the most loyal of animals.  But even we will take a hike when things get wrong and stay wrong.  Especially if someone beats us up!


And who knows, if you do leave, maybe your husband will realize his mistakes,  and come back and offer to do anything to make things work.  And if that happens, I’d be happy to help – he could do anger management, he could work to win your trust back – oh all sorts of good things can happen!


But till then, I really think it sounds like time to treat yourself right.  Since he seems incapable of doing it for you.


All my best,


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