Category Archives for "Questions"

0 What to do when you realize a long romance has been a cheat to others all along.

bssk2412 asks: I’ve been married for 34 years, living with our family. About four years ago l met a divorced mother, and we got emotionally attached. I got involved in this because l wasn’t having the emotional connection with my wife. Everything was good between this lady and me, we really got close to each other emotionally and physically. But over the last few months suddenly she started behaving guiltily. I’m really attached to her and love her. But suddenly she’s making me realize, after four years of a steady relationship that I’m cheating on my wife. I’m so disturbed and confused. Please advise me on this, what should l do.

Hi bssk2412 –

If you’ve looked around my website, you know that I live with a human named Handsome, and we adore each other more than anything.  I would never do anything to hurt him or myself.

But if I see a cat or squirrel across the street, and I’m not on a leash or indoors, nothing stops me from running as fast as I can to catch them.  Including the fact that there might be a car speeding down the street.

So far I’ve been lucky every time I’ve done this, but it nearly gives Handsome a heart attack each time (I’ve come very  close to getting hit).

I certainly don’t do it on purpose.  It’s just that when I see a cat or squirrel, my brain goes completely blank and I don’t notice anything else.

My friend, you’ve been chasing a squirrel – for four straight years!  And this woman just has made you aware that you’ve dodged a car every day for that whole time!

That’s quite an awakening, I imagine!  Good morning!!!

I’m certainly not the first to say that Love Is Blind, but your relationship is one of the more amazing cases I’ve ever seen of that blindness!

Now, you ask me for advice, but I really can’t give it.  Because I don’t know about some very important issues.  And I’m not sure you do either, yet.

As a dog, I’m not here to tell a person that divorce is a right or wrong thing to do (I do care a great deal about how children are treated in divorces, but that’s another issue for another time).  It may be that the best thing is for you and this woman to admit your love to everyone, for you to get a divorce, and to marry her.

It also may be that Continue reading

0 How to attract someone without letting them know you’re doing trying it

Spiky 401 asks: I like this dude. He is actually a Libra, as am I. I researched everything I can about my zodiac sign and it fit his description exactly. He convinced me into telling him I like him, and his reply was “aww I like you too,” but from there everything went back to normal conversation. I couldn’t understand what it or he means. He is very flirty, but one thing’s for sure – when he sticks to one person he is very devoted. I like him, I really do. How do I go about attracting this Libra dude without he really knowing I’m putting an effort to, and without talking to him – a way that will make him come to me instead of me going to him?

Hi Spiky 401 –

I have to confess, I don’t know a lot about Astrology.  We dogs are so affected by the skies, the stars, the earth, and the moon, that it’s hard to keep the effects of a single thing like a constellation straight.  But I checked up on Libras, and I see you folks are very nice, gentle, and loving, but have trouble saying “No” to people. Which of course fits with this guy’s “Aww, I like you too” line!

So to your question of how to attract him, I would imagine the best advice would be to not overwhelm him – deal with him in a way that allows him to be his gentle, kind self.  One thing I do know about male humans – they like feeling successful and achieving, and hate experiencing failure and disappointment.  So if you can find ways for him to feel good about helping you out in little ways, that will probably help.  And of course, any ways you can help him out will help too!

But to get him to actually “come to” you?  I think that will take a mixture of a lot of things.  First of all, finding out what attracts him of course is a good idea (Does he like girls in dresses or in jeans or in tough gear?).  Finding shared interests is always good.  But your best bet is to just be yourself, be friendly, and know that you’re attractive in yourself (that last part is always the hardest).

And that’s about all I can say for now.  When you find out more about him, let me know, and maybe I can help you more.  And who knows, maybe when this September/October rolls around, you two will be giving each other very wonderful birthday presents!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 How to trust a better boyfriend or girlfriend after being hurt by a worse one.

Lila asks: I’ve been in a really screwed up relationship, and now I have an awesome understanding supportive boyfriend. How can I tell him I can’t trust his female co-worker around him? She just tried opening the bathroom door while she thought he was in there! How can I bring this up to him without getting mad or him thinking I’m crazy?

Hi Lila –

Well I think you answered your own question.  If he’s awesome, and understanding, and supportive, then he ought to not get too mad when he finds out you have concerns about his co-worker.  Even if he doesn’t agree with your worries, he shouldn’t be angry about them.

I see this a lot in humans – and in dogs too (if you go onto my website and find the article “Aria’s Agenda,” that’s about just this).  You’ve been in a relationship with a lousy person, and then when you’re in one with a better one, you keep expecting them to treat you the way the jerk did!  This guy’s better!  Trust that!

But onto the other issue… this woman WHAT?!??!  Now I’ll admit, I like to walk into bathrooms when people are in there, because the smells are so interesting!  But I’m a dog!  Most people over the age of Continue reading

0 How to tell your parents you want to marry your best friend

My pack asks: A year ago I introduced a girl as my said sister (a term like “best friend”) to my parents as well as hers. This means we told our parents we’d never become romantic with each other, so they’d let us hang out. But for the last eight months our relationship has deepened, and we love each other a lot. We didn’t know we’d fall in love. We can’t live without each other. Now we have to convince our parents to accept this relationship, as we want to marry. And even beyond our parents, other people might say bad things about her family, that this girl said this guy is like her brother, and now she wants to marry him.

Hi My pack –

I have to confess, this might be a case where, even as a dog, I don’t have enough cultural understanding.

Where I live, in the United States, the most acceptable and “clean” way for a couple to get together is to be friends first.  It also bodes well for a marriage, as people trust that a deep friendship will last through many more difficulties than romantic passion or physical attraction.

So to my mind, your parents and hers would cheer to the rooftops if you and she came to them saying you wanted to marry.

And your friends and other society would as well – they already know you two as a pair of nice young people they enjoy; how nice that you two will become a married couple as well.

But as I said, I don’t know everything, and this seems to be a case where I’m somewhat ignorant.

I will say, though, that I imagine it’s important that your families accept you as a couple before anyone else.  This might be a crazy idea, but if the families are okay with it, could you Continue reading

0 Should you show sympathy to your ex who dropped you?

Aishwarya asks: My boyfriend left me few weeks back. And now he texted me that his dad is not well and uncle is on deathbed. Should I show him some sympathy?

Hi Aishwarya –

This is a fascinating question, so great I have three different answers for it, depending on different situations.  I wish I knew enough to give you just one, because they’re all pretty different.  But hopefully this will help.

Okay, first situation:  You’re close with his family.

If you actually have/had a relationship with his father and/or uncle, where they were important in your life, and you in theirs, then I would say absolutely that you should deal with your ex, and with them.  Simply because you’d feel very bad if you didn’t and things got worse with them.  In fact, I often see some cruelty on the part of exes, keeping someone who cares a lot about their family from them, with the mindset “If you’re not my boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, you can’t have any connection with them either!”  So if you’re close with, say, his dad, I think it shows good character on your ex’s part that he reached out to you.

Second situation: You’re not close with them, but he’s trying to be a friend to you.

If that’s what’s going on, that he’s just telling you his “news,” and another time he might be telling you “I got a car” or “I broke my leg,” then it’s really your call.  Do you want to be friends with him now, or not?  I’ve seen couples break up and become fantastic friends, and I’ve seen other cases where one member correctly realizes that they just can’t do well in life while creating a new, friendly relationship with their ex.  The answer is up to you, to do what’s best for you.  In this situation, the dad and uncle don’t expect or need your attention; so you get to treat the guy you loved who broke things off in whatever way feels right.  To you.

Third situation: He’s playing a Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend chooses their family over you

Shirley_av asks: My boyfriend’s family came to know everything about our relationship and gave him a choice to choose between family and love, and so he chose his family over love, and her mother made him promise not to talk to me. But I want to save my relationship. What can I do?

Hi Shirley_av –

I wish I had a great, clever answer for you, but we pups are just not that smart.  I can certainly relate to the feeling you’re having – it feels like every time I’m locked in a cage.  Whether at the pound, or at a veterinarian’s hospital, or a groomer’s.  I hate being locked up, and even go a little crazy to get out, but of course the cages are built for dogs to not be able to leave.  So I’m stuck.  For what seems like forever.  And it’s living hell.

My friend, if your boyfriend were forced against his will to not see you, I’d say there’s a chance.  Then it’d be a Romeo and Juliet sort of situation.  But he was offered a choice, and made it.

And so my best advice is to move on.  And I know that’s devastatingly hard.

I’m not saying you should expect to feel good about it, or that your bad feelings will end soon.  They might take weeks, or months, or longer.  But if you can do whatever you can to move forward in your life, and into a new chapter, one of two things will happen.

First, he Continue reading

0 How to tell someone you’re interested in them

PERFECTION asks: I want to tell someone how I really feel, and I just want to make it honest and sincere but the only thing that I’m worried about is that I don’t know how to do it, any tips?

Hi PERFECTION –

I’m never one to call my Pack members liars, but I’m going to break that rule and call you out, my friend:  HOOEY!  PURE HOOEY!  PURE LITTERBOX MATERIAL!!!

Not that you don’t like that person, or have strong feelings for them; I’m sure that’s true.  What I’m calling you out on is when you say you “just want to make it honest and sincere,” but “don’t know how to do it.”  What a load of kitty poop!

Of course you know how to tell them your feelings with honesty and sincerity.  What you don’t  know is how to do it in a way you’re sure they’ll like!  THAT’S what you’re worried about, and that makes complete sense!

And I’m glad to try to help.

And I really do mean “try,” because of course you and I are very different.  But my experience might be instructive.  (Oooh doesn’t that sound adult!)

I have always, all my life, liked people and dogs on sight, and wanted to play with them.  When I was a young puppy, I attempted to do this by doing just what came naturally to me – walking up to them and biting them.  My brothers and sisters played with me when I did that to them… but strangely, it really seemed to bother most humans and grown-up pooches.  Especially if I did it when they weren’t expecting it.  I got barked at, bit, and yelled at a lot.

And slowly I learned.  Even though my honest, sincere, expression was to bite them, they liked  it better if I did other things.  Like walked up and licked them.  Or brought them a toy to play with.  Or just sat and let them pet me.  Or, with dogs, caught their eye and ran away so they’d chase me.  And these techniques worked, and work to this day.

Of course, though, you’re in a more complex situation.  You want to tell  someone something intimate and meaningful.  And it will mean a lot to you if they like it and accept it, or dislike it and reject it.  So what can you do to improve your chances of it being a happy conversation?  Here are a few suggestions.

• Don’t be scary. Just as people are frightened when a dog runs at them with teeth bared, they’re also put off when someone’s energy is too forceful and needy.  “I LOVE YOU AND CAN’T LIVE ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT YOU AGREEING TO MARRY ME AND HAVE GRANDCHILDREN WITH ME” is not likely to work; “So, I’ve really enjoyed talking with you.  I’d love to hang out sometime.  Would you like that?”  Oooh, that sounds WAY smoother!
• Keep it between you two. Although you might feel ‘safety in numbers,’ it puts the other person in a really rough position if you start saying these things when other friends are around.  Those stories we hear about people proposing on TV broadcasts or with airplane skywriting?  That can be a great idea if you’re absolutely sure they want to say yes; otherwise it’s a recipe for horrible humiliation for everyone involved.
• Have you ever heard the anagram K.I.S.S.? “Keep It Simple, Stupid?”  As complicated as your feelings might seem to you, they’re actually pretty simple.  “I really like you a lot.”  “I’m falling in love with you.”  See how quick those are?  An old friend of mine was visiting, and told Handsome and me a story just this week, where a just-friend nervously gave her a long speech telling her he wanted to be more than friends, but his nervousness and confused talk actually made her think he was saying he wasn’t  interested in her!   They then had to have another conversation to clarify that he was!  (It worked out, though – they’re married and have two beautiful children now!)
• Make any consequences clear. Are you saying to this person “I feel this way about you, and there’s nothing you need to do about it; I’ll be your friend either way?”  Or “I can’t take just being friends anymore, and if you aren’t willing to become more than that, I’m going to have to spend less time with you – or even cut you out of my life completely?”  I’m not saying that one’s right and one’s wrong; I just want you to be fully honest about this part too – in a way that THEY UNDERSTAND.
• And last but not least, be kind. I know, it feels like you’re the one in the difficult position, but so are they.  Make it as easy as you can.  Speak softly, give them compliments (real ones, not fake), maybe even apologize at first, “I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but there’s something I really have to talk about with you.”

There’s never any way of knowing how these conversations will work out.  But if you do these behaviors, I do think I can guarantee it’ll work out as well as possible for both of you, regardless of what interest they express or don’t.

But you KNOW I’m cheering you on!  LET THEM SEE YOUR HEART as you’ve let me see it, and I’m thinking you’ll do great.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 Should one stay in a relationship with someone of a different religion

roshini asks: My boyfriend is a male chauvinist; he never understands my feelings and perspectives. I don’t like breaking relationships and so I thought to adjust with him, but later on I couldn’t, and we had lots of fights. He has trust issues with me. He is afraid to marry me since we are from different religions. Now I need to decide what to do – to be in this kind of relationship or to leave him!

Hi roshini –

Have you ever heard of John Gray?  He wrote a famous book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and a number of sequels to it.  At one point, he wrote about the question of whether couples should share interests, or have an “opposites attract” dynamic.

His answer was that it doesn’t matter.  That it can be delightful when both of you like horror movies or football, and it can be fun when you disagree about lots of things.  But, he argued, what matters is that the partners share Values.  Core moral values.  Especially if they’re thinking of having and raising children.

So she loves reading sappy romantic novels while he plays violent first-person-shooter video games?  That can be okay, if they agree about those big issues – like religion in their lives, or whether it’s okay to commit crimes.  Or the roles of men and women.

That last one is a big one.  Because you can disagree about politics and just avoid discussing how you vote, but your beliefs about a woman’s place is in a home will show up every hour!

So you can probably see where I’m going with this.  I have no idea how old you are.  If you’re thirteen and want to have someone to go to the school dance with, then all I care about is Continue reading

0 When you’re torn between two imperfect romances

Tshilidzi asks: I have a boyfriend and we have been dating for 8 months now. 2 months into our relationship he was way too busy for me and even canceled our dates. I knew he was a busy man before dating him, but I thought he’d compromise for me. I was so lonely and sad cause he reminded of my failed relationships and felt as if I didn’t deserve to be happy. I am a student, and where I school there is a lecturer, and for 3 years now we have been pretending to be a fake couple. All of a sudden it became real for both of us – and he is married. He is funny and gives me so much attention and is always around me. He made me forget about all my troubles. I dumped my boyfriend and he was there for me. Ended up taking him back after countless apologies and things have been perfect ever since. Problem is that now I’ve got deep feelings for my instructor and he even kissed me. I try to forget about him but I can’t and I know it’s wrong. I would tell myself that I’m not gonna entertain him anymore but the moment I see him I go crazy. The connection I have with him is something I have never felt before and he is also battling with me . He can’t stay away from me. And he is in a risk of getting fired and me being punished and my boyfriend is also doing the same course as me and I’m afraid he will find out. I don’t know what to do cause I’ve never been in this situation and I don’t know how to handle it. Please help me. I don’t want to be a reason why another woman is sad but I just can’t help myself, I am so deep in love with him. I can’t even stay away from him; also we are always looking for each other around the whole school and we talk every day. Some students have even noticed our change of hearts. He has been married for 2 years and has no kids with the woman, but has 2 from his previous marriage. He is older than me by 25 but looks very young. Please help me

Hi Tshilidzi –

Wow, Tshilidzi, there is so much going on here, it’s hard to know where to start!

But really, everything you wrote comes down to two things.  First, there’s a guy you’ve been dating who is so busy he makes you feel unimportant. And second, you’re in love with a married man, your professor, who is at least acting in love with you too.  Now either of these alone would be a perfectly difficult situation; the two together make an astounding one!

I’ll confess, the biggest confusion I have here is about the teacher.  He’s been married for two years, and that whole time he’s been “pretending to be a fake couple” with you?  Then he’s actually started showing real interest – seeking you out, kissing you – knowing that getting caught could be the end of his marriage and  his career?  But he’s not trying to make more happen between you?

I truly don’t understand what he’s doing.  Unless he’s one of those guys who get turned on by the danger of relationships, testing to see how much he can get away with (Many people consider Bill Clinton, the former U.S. President, to be a case like that).

What strikes me is that you have a very simple need: you need your boyfriend to show you as much interest as this lecturer does!  If your boyfriend searched for you around the campus, took risks to be with you, and stopped being “too busy” all the time, I think you might be able to get more excited about him, and less so about this other man who is wrong for you in so many ways.

But that means your boyfriend changing, and it’s you who wrote me this letter, not him.

So my only advice to you is to Continue reading

0 Is death the answer to the painfulness of life?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle, is death the answer to all problems and sadness in life? I’ve always wanted to shut myself off to the world. I’m in pain for far too long and I think that’ll be the only way to maybe at least get over the pain.

Hi PERFECTION:

Quick answer to your question:  No.

Absolutely not, no way, impossible, forget it.

Now, now that I’ve said that, let me make one exception.  If you had a terminal disease, and were in constant awful pain, and only had a short time to live, it’s possible that I could agree that the best thing would be for you, in a way agreeable to your loved ones (and of course, only if in accordance with your religious/moral beliefs), to end your life sooner.  After all, that’s what you guys do with dogs, cats, horses, and so on, and that’s an act of love and kindness.

But if you’re young and healthy, the fact is that anything you did to end your life would cause more pain than you’ve ever experienced.  To more people than you even realize.

You see, when a person feels good about life, they feel some of the connection to everyone that we dogs feel all the time.  You open a door for a person you see needing it, you smile at little children because they make you smile, you see a car in a big hurry and let them cut in front of you.

But when a person feels depressed, empty, hopeless, or sad, they tend to feel completely disconnected.  Like no one sees them, no one cares about them, and they don’t care about anyone else.

The fact, PERFECTION, is that you are more connected to more people than you can begin to realize.

What would it do to you to find out that your neighbor killed himself?  Would you wonder if you could have done something to prevent it?  Even wonder if you were responsible in some way?

And what if that were your uncle?  Or your parent?  Or your brother or sister?

Or your own child?

I don’t know a lot about your life, PERFECTION (only that you ask great questions!), but I’m betting you have a Continue reading