Category Archives for "Questions"

0 Should you stay with long-distance romance or a new one?

Someon asks: I have been dating a boy for a year. It’s a long-distance relationship. 3 to 4 months ago we had a separation regarding some issues which was for a period of a month. Within that very month I got attached to someone else (Mr. X). We have been seeing each other. This too was a long-distance relationship. He came over to meet me. We hanged out together and even we made love. After one year of separation my boyfriend returned and I was happy to get him back. The fact is Mr. X knows about my relationship. Now I have started feeling for Mr. X and don’t wanna lose him – and neither do I want to hurt my boyfriend. What should I exactly do now?

Hi Someon –

As I’ve said on here a lot, we dogs don’t quite understand long-distance relationships, and certainly don’t like them.  And your case is a perfect example of why. 

From what I see in your letter, your boyfriend (the one you’ve been with for a year) is a perfectly good guy, and probably nothing was wrong with the relationship except the distance.  Then you met Mr. X, who is also a good guy and you grew to really like him.  Then your boyfriend came back to town, but you’re feeling more for Mr. X.

Well, why wouldn’t you?!

I love my human friend Handsome, but if he left town for a year, and I got close to another human, I’d never lose my love for Handsome but I’d grow more attached to the new one.  It’s just the way our brains work – both humans and dogs!

Now if you were married to your boyfriend, or had had a very long relationship with him, I might be saying something different.  But as it is, I think you really don’t have a choice – it sounds to me like you need to

0 How to choose between a long-distance relationship and a new person

LK asks: I have a boyfriend and we just turned 5 months. It’s a long-distance relationship and we’ve never met. We are planning on meeting this holiday. We rarely talk during the school term because he has his phone taken away. Problem is I think I have started catching feelings for another guy who I talk to everyday. He likes me too. What should I do (N.B I am 16 years old)?? I am really confused.

Hi LK –

This is an issue we dogs have a lot of trouble grasping.  Now as you probably know, I have a human I love more than anything, who I call Handsome.  Sometimes, Handsome will leave me for a while – like over a week! – and I’ll stay with a friend.  So of course I don’t forget Handsome, I dream of him every night, but nothing keeps me from jumping on that friend, licking their face like crazy, and cuddling up to them at night.  It’s not that I’m not attached to Handsome; it’s just that he’s not there!  (And of course, if he didn’t want me to cuddle up to his friends, he wouldn’t leave me with them!)

So we pups have two problems understanding situations like yours.  Firstly, our brains can’t even comprehend having a committed “boyfriend-girlfriend” relationship with someone we’ve never even sniffed.  And secondly, we have trouble understanding why it would be bad for you to hang out with someone else who is close by.

I’m not saying you’re wrong; just that it’s hard for us to understand!

So with this long-distance guy, you’ve been a couple of sorts for five months?  And he hasn’t even been able to communicate on phone for a while?  Well it sure makes sense to me that you’d have gotten more interested in someone else, someone you’ve been able to talk with.

In fact, it’s hard for me to think your boyfriend wouldn’t understand if you chose the other guy over him, just because of the distance and lack of communication.

But if you’re not sure what you want, then I’d say to hold off.  Keep talking to this one boy, but don’t do anything you might regret until you have actually met the boyfriend. 

And then, I want you to do something very hard:

0 What to do when you’re stuck in an uninspiring job

Mayumii asks: I am 23 years old and currently employed in an insurance company, but still not stable on my career. I’m still looking for a job that where I think I’ll belong. Honestly, I still don’t know what are the things that I can do. I don’t know what is my strength, I am 3 years graduated yet I am not able to help my family on their needs. Sometimes I think of myself as very useless. I decided to live alone to be independent, but I am always asking my parents for assistance because of lack of money. All I want is just to have a stable job, but I don’t know what are the things that I can do. Sometimes I can’t understand myself.

Hi Mayumii –

I know this is going to sound odd, but your situation is extremely common.  In fact, I think most people who have lives where they get to choose careers (as opposed to, for example, people who grew up on farms, always knowing they’d work there, or people with governments who choose their jobs for them) don’t know by age 23 what they really want to do.

Or rather, they might know what they’d love to do, but have no way of achieving that right away.  Let’s say you wanted to make a living as a filmmaker.  Great!  Well, you’ve finished your university studies, and you can start making short films for YouTube, or to enter into film festivals, and writing screenplays… and none of those activities brings in any money at all.  Now if you keep doing it, you might find some success, and eventually become the next JJ Abrams.  But right now, you’re just in the struggle.

And what if you don’t even have that clear an idea of what you want?  What if you studied business, and you know you’d like to work in that area, but the place you work isn’t very inspiring, and you’re not sure what would be?

Okay.  Again, this is SOOOOO normal!

And there’s one solution: 

0 What to do when someone you like sends you mixed signals

Itsxabi asks: I like a girl. Recently she said she doesn’t like me, and said that I’m taking all of her space, and blocked me on almost all social media. After about a week she called me up and asked how I am doing?! I really like this girl – how to fix everything up?

Hi Itsxabi –

Well, I guess I have two answers for you.  First, she does sound a bit… well, odd.  She shuts you out, and then calls you?  So I’m not telling you who to like or not, but I guess I would warn you that this might be the way she keeps treating you.  And if so, I hope you can find the strength to take care of yourself, even if that means breaking up.

But number two, to your actual question, how to fix everything up?  My friend, it sounds like that’s already done!  She called YOU! 

So what I’d really like you to do is to respond to her call as if nothing was wrong, chat about lots of things, and if you feel like it, ask her out.  Perhaps she’ll show up and be great and everything will be wonderful.  And perhaps she’ll shut you down again.

But either way, if you’ve acted with friendliness and confidence, you’ll have nothing to be embarrassed about.  And how she responds will tell you a lot about how she’ll be in the future.

So know you’re worth it, and go for some glory here!

Wishing you the best of luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you keep getting left by boyfriends or girlfriends.

cuteprincess asks: My first boyfriend ditched me, and now second one also ditched me, so I can’t express my feeling. It’s so bad –so what can I do now? I miss my first love/boyfriend more than the current one. Should I forget both? If so, how?

Hi cuteprincess –

I am SO SORRY about your bad luck with these guys!  That stinks!  I hate getting left by anyone – even when it’s just Handsome going away for a few hours – so being completely left must hurt like blazes!

In fact, your situation reminds me of my friend Aria, a beautiful German Shepherd mix who was abandoned by two owners.  And I mean literally they had her in their home, and decided they didn’t like her and sent her away, not letting her in anymore.  Now put yourself in her shoes and see how your heart feels!!

Now she just gave up on people altogether, and went to live in the wild, till some people found her and coaxed her into coming with them – it took them days – and now she lives in a really nice home with a human who adores her.  But it took her over a year to really trust him.  Such a tough past!

So it makes sense to me that, having been hurt by the more recent boyfriend, you’d start to think the first one was better.  But the fact is, both guys ditched you, and because of that,

0 What to do when you start feeling better than your boyfriend or girlfriend

Bintu asks: I have been in a relationship for one and a half years. My boyfriend is a very caring compassionate human being. All he wants to do is appreciate and cherish me. However, since some time I can’t stand his love. I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve acquired some kind of superiority complex. I have started thinking I can do better. I can date someone more good looking since he’s not conventionally good looking. I also think he’s not too smart. He’s not dumb but I don’t think he’s intellectually well developed. I have struggled to overcome these feelings because he’s a great guy but I have failed and then tried to break up. However he pleads me to stay always and because I deeply care for him, I give in. He has an abusive past and a toxic family, so I’m the closest thing to love he knows. I don’t know if all hope is lost or if heartbreak is inevitable. Is there any way I can make myself fall back in love so that I don’t have to hurt him?

Hi Bintu –

I don’t know you or your boyfriend, and have never seen you two together.  So I don’t know which of these two situations is right, but I’m pretty sure one of them is:

First, that yes, this relationship has run its course, and you’ve run out of feelings for him.  And if that’s the case, while it’s very sad, it would make things worse if you stayed with him, or especially married him, because he’ll only get more attached, and you’ll eventually need to leave.

And second?  Second is that this is the completely normal stage in a relationship where you two have been together a while and you’re getting to take him for granted.  And all those little irritating qualities that didn’t mean much before (like his not being as smart or good-looking as some other guys) are bothering you more, and you’re thinking “I can do better,” and even more, “I should do better.”

I’ve been in that one myself!  When Handsome took me out of the dog pound, I was so grateful I could just have burst.  And over the next weeks, we each just fell head-over-heels for each other.  But then, after a year or two, things started to fade.  He would get irritated with having to always take care of me, while I got sick of being shut in the back yard, or being told to sit and stay all the time.  He got less tolerant of all my hairs around the house, and I got fed up with the boring dog food he fed me every night.

And what happened then?  Did he take me back to the pound?  Or did I dig out and run away?

Thank

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend starts taking you for granted

Wretched asks: I have had a boyfriend for two years, and every time we fight, he just ignores me, and then comes back days later asking if I’m already good or not. He wasn’t like that before. He was so sweet and he didn’t want to sleep if we were still fighting. But now, he’s totally different. He can go on for a week ignoring me. I already confronted him about this matter and he said that being in a relationship for so long makes things casual, so that’s why he’s like that. But no. He doesn’t put an effort in settling things between us anymore and he easily breaks up with me and I end up comforting him instead of him comforting me. If I threaten him that I’ll leave him, he’ll be like “Oh, okay. If that’s what you want.” What do I do? I really love him and I don’t want a future without him. He’s perfect for me and this is the only the downside of him. I’m so confused. I can feel his love but I’m perplexed by the way he acts whenever we’re not in good terms.

Hi Wretched –

So I’m of two minds here (which is very difficult when I’m a dog and already have a much smaller brain than you humans!).

First, I want to help you make your relationship work, as you clearly love this guy so much, and so much is right about you two as a couple.

But second, I want to bite him, and bark at you loud enough to scare you away so you get a life without him, because you deserve to be treated MUCH better than this.

And you know what?  I think the best answer involves mixing the two!

Let me explain.  This guy is

0 How to move forward in a relationship where both have broken trust

StefeX asks: I’ve been in an undefined relationship with someone whom I’ve fallen in love with over the past two years. Our relationship started out as strictly platonic friends but became full-on. The woman I have been seeing was separated from her husband due to him cheating on her with his colleague for seven years now. I have been her help raising her children from the age of one and five. I potty-trained her son, got him off the bottle and helped with other aspects of his development. I’ve helped her daughter since she went to school with homework and reading as well as implementing discipline when needed. Our relationship was quite fine until I got wind of her chats with an ex-boyfriend who would constantly flirt with her, and I felt she entertained this behavior. Valentines Day of 2017 I was confronted by her grabbing her phone and quickly erasing messages from him that was sent between each other. I have never liked this man or his candor for her. Recently I moved back to my hometown and found out by way of stalking her Whatsapp that they were at it again. She got super defensive saying I was lying, that I hacked her Whatsapp (which I did but I wasn’t going to tell her that because her personality is of such a nature she makes you feel bad or wrong for questioning her, even knowing you are right). She says I have insecurity issues and that in the past three years of being together physically, I was never a boyfriend. Now after the fact that she’s finally divorcing on May 28, she wants to venture out into different relationships. In the past I have also not been squeaky clean as I have lied to her about trivial things (even I don’t know why I did), and these have led to trust issues, which I believe in my heart we can work on. However I am caught up in pain so bad, as I believe I have found my soulmate and I don’t want to give her up to a booty call because she’s truly an amazing person. I know that I too am at fault in this relationship, but I need advice on what defines cheating in her instance, and what defines a relationship in mine, because I know I am in one with her – and what I should do going forward.

Hi StefeX –

You and she seem to me to be in a tough problem, and one which was pretty unavoidable. 

You began as friends, then became “friends with benefits,” while she was still legally married.  Then your relationship stayed undefined while you each did other stuff, including some lying to each other, and even moving out of town.

Now you’d like to make this relationship official, because you two are soulmates, but you’ve both hurt each other some, and she’s even getting somewhat involved with her ex, at least online.

So what can you do?

Well, I have one suggestion, and only one.  You and she need to

0 Should you stay in a relationship when you’re interested in someone unattainable?

CBqueens asks: I’m in a relationship with a very awesome guy and we are in love but I’m falling very deeply for someone else, who is also dating, but his girlfriend is in another country. But he loves her so much and I’m getting uncomfortable with everything. We are going out, having fun, loving each other and all, but I’m just confused. I want out, to focus on my relationship, but I can’t do it. I need help.

Hi CBqueens –

Now if I understand this correctly, you’re in a relationship with a guy who’s absolutely terrific, and having a great time with him.  But you’re falling for another guy, who has a girlfriend.

Now this other guy might be amazing, but this looks a lot, to me, like you’re getting afraid of commitment.

We dogs don’t have this problem very often – we commit quickly, easily, and, if life is good to us, permanently.  So it really sticks out when I see this in humans.  You realize the relationship you’re in is so good that you might be stuck in it forever, and that terrifies you.  But instead of just screaming in horror, your clever brains tell you “I’m not all that interested in this perfect person.  I’d far rather be with that unattainable one over there.”  (You see, there’s no danger of commitment with a guy who has another girlfriend!)

Now here’s my problem.  What I don’t know is

0 How to move on from a relationship with a person who accused you of wrong things.

Gracey asks: I am in a relationship where things seemed to be beautiful at the beginning, but that began to change when we started having trust issues. Although my partner told me he’s always had trust issues in relationships, I thought ours would be different. He started going through my phone checking my messages, stalking me on social media and questioning me about my friends. He started restricting me from seeing some of my male friends. Recently I met someone I really liked and we began to flow at the beginning. I told him I was already in a relationship even though it seemed to be crumbling. He said he’s willing to hang on for me. We started meeting and I enjoyed his company. My boyfriend found out and tried to disconnect the 3rd party and I. But I like this person and I wasn’t willing to let go. Then my boyfriend took my phone and went through my chat with the 3rd. He got upset and called us quits. He sent the 3rd party a message stating he can have me all to himself. I do want to start a new relationship with the 3rd party but I don’t know how to because my self-respect is already at stake. How do I handle this?

Hi Gracey –

For most of your question, I thought I’d be writing you about how to deal with someone with trust issues, and how difficult that is.  But when I reached the end, I realized we’re dealing with a completely different problem.

It’s like those nights when Handsome has ordered a pizza, and I spend an hour trying to figure out how I can steal some of it from him, and wondering if I should do something that would upset him so much, and debating how I can justify it to him and myself… and then suddenly he turns around and hands me the half of it he didn’t eat! 

On one hand, I feel great – I got just what I wanted without any of the trouble.  But on the other, I was so prepared for the trouble that getting handed the pizza feels, well, a little anticlimactic!

So you have the delightful problem of figuring out how to live with the fact that, instead of you having to leave this guy, he left you!

And I’ll bet you’ll get to feeling fine about that one pretty soon.

But you also have this OTHER problem, which is that