Category Archives for "Questions"

0 How to move on from a relationship that’s gone bad, without becoming hopeless

The Void asks: I am in a relationship with this girl for 8 months, she is the love of my life. But lately it seems that she has lost all attraction towards me, she keeps blaming me for everything I do. All the time she brings back the past mistakes I made and the fights we had. She does not want to meet me nor does she want to talk to me. Last month she got really sick and was hospitalized for that, I took care of her in the hospital for the whole month, not a single person from her family came, her friends did not even contact her. I was doing a job and I took a whole month off, which made my position in the company worse. And now, since she has gotten better, she wants to break up with me. She claims that she lost all trust in me because of something I hid about my academic history. She thinks that I am only using her because I have no one else. She has made this whole relationship a platonic one and now it has come to the point where she is not allowing me to hold her hand. She breaks all contact whenever it is convenient for her. She never expresses that she loves me like she used to. I feel used and mistreated. I want to die, I want to kill myself. Living is becoming more and more painful. I have invested so much time and effort into trying to make this work and got nothing in return. My friends tell me to break all contact with her and move on but honestly I don’t want it to end like this. I have made her my whole life when I am being treated like a slave. If I leave her, then that is the end of it and it will just mean that I got nothing out of this relationship other than pain and suffering. If I don’t leave, then she will continuously make me suffer. And I just don’t know what I will do. I think I will kill myself. But I have posted this because I don’t want to. Help!

Hi The Void –

            This is an awful situation, no question about it.  You have done all you can to try to win this woman over, while she refuses to allow you in, saying you’ve betrayed her trust with that academic issue.  And your being there for her during her illness, as no one else was, hasn’t been enough to change her mind.  In fact, it almost sounds as though that made things worse.

            So I have one question for you: is there any part of her that’s interested in salvaging your relationship?  Is she even saying “If you hadn’t hid that thing, we’d be okay, but since you did, we’re done?”  Because if so, then I’d urge you to set up couples therapy for you two.  With a therapist who neither of you know (or at least you both know equally), so there’s no sense of a bias, who could work to improve your communication and move things past this. 

            But again, this is only if she’s at least acknowledging that she wishes things were better between you.

            If not, then I’m afraid there is nothing you can do, at least for now.  I know it feels awful, but I’d have to side with your friends who say to let the relationship go.

            But if you do, I want to alter your thinking drastically.  You’re afraid that if you do, the last few years will have meant nothing.  That’s just not true: they mean exactly what

0 Should you date someone of a different religion, knowing they’ll marry another

heyitgurlbaby asks: I’m from India, and I’m a Hindu. My ex-boyfriend is a Muslim. We dated for a while, but we broke up because we have no future due to social customs in India and religious difference. We love each other but there is no chance of marriage and stuff. So I just wanted to ask should we date again for temporary happiness, for JUST now, and not think about the future?

Hi heyitgurlbaby –

         Wow, this is such a difficult situation!  Frankly, I’m surprised you two even felt okay dating with your religious difference, but since you did, it makes me wonder how strict the rules are against you staying together.  Is it really impossible?

         I ask, because my answer completely depends on your answer. 

         If there’s a chance that you two can bridge the difference between your cultures, and find a way to become a couple (maybe one of you converting to the other’s religion?), and so you actually could marry, then I’d say sure, why not date again – you love each other after all!

         But if not, I worry that the “temporary happiness” you describe wouldn’t happen.  That you’d just feel pain every time you enjoyed each other’s company.  Do you know that great old song that says “A taste of honey is worse than none at all?”  I think you’d be getting a full jar of honey every time you met, knowing that soon you’d never get it again, and someone else would!

         So my suggestion is to look very closely at your relationship, and what is possible.  And make your decision – which will be difficult no matter what – based on that.

         And if you decide that you really can’t be together in the long term, then please do me the favor of thanking each other, for having loved each other, and shown each how good a relationship can be.  And please please PLEASE, when the voices of bigotry and prejudice tell each of you that the other’s people are all your awful enemies, speak up against them.  Who knows how much peace your love might engender!

With all my best wishes,

Shirelle

0 How to stop yourself from seeking attention too much

Jhalli asks: How can I stop myself from seeking the attention of everyone in my college?

Hi Jhalli –

I like attention.

Or let me rephrase that – I LOVE attention!

I like being noticed by dogs, by other animals, and especially by people.  I like people to get as excited to see me as I am to see them, I love strangers petting my head, I love anyone saying “What a beautiful dog!”  But what I love most of course is when my special friends, or my most special friend Handsome, give me more attention than I can take!  Overwhelmed with love, I just get so excited I can’t take it!

But I also have experienced the problem of wanting it too much.  Like when Handsome and a friend are having a really intense conversation, and I’m jumping into their laps.  Or when he and a girlfriend are cuddling and smooching and all that stuff and I stick a toy in her lap (what’s the problem?  Clearly she likes saliva, right?).  Or when he’s sleeping and I think a good loud bark is a fine idea!  In each of these cases, my cry-out for attention gets the opposite response from what I wanted – everyone’s peeved at me, and sending me away.

So I’m guessing that’s kind of what’s been happening to you at college.  So what to do about it?

Well the answer isn’t about them.  Everyone else is just themselves, and you can’t change them.  And it’s not that you’re necessarily doing it wrong.  The issue is, like me in those examples, that you’re too needy for the attention.  And that’s because you’re feeling too insecure.

You see, if I am feeling friendly and secure, and I walk up to Handsome while he’s talking with someone, he’ll reach over and give me a pat.  And if I lie down next to him while he’s cuddling with someone, one of them will eventually reach over and give me a hug and a kiss, and even throw a toy for me to chase. 

So what you need, Jhalli, is to learn to

0 What to do when your fiancée pulls away

Kiran1209 asks: Hi, I met a girl through our parents, and we are engaged to be married. It’s been 6 months since I met her. We live in different cities. As I have experienced, I am always the one to initiate conversation or make a plan to meet up. But for past 1-2 months she has been avoiding to talk to me by giving multiple reasons. So I am not sure whether she is interested in me or not. I also asked her once whether she is interested in me and she said yes but since then she has not shown any sign of interest. What should I do ?

Hi Kiran1209 –

What a headache! 

Have you ever heard of a scientist named Ivan Pavlov?  He did some famous experiments many years ago, where he trained dogs to expect a treat when they got a particular signal.  Then he started giving them the signal without the treat, or even hurting them instead of giving them the treat.  Can you guess what happened?  A lot of the dogs went completely mad!

Now I’m sure this girl isn’t doing a Pavlovian experiment on you, but that’s kind of the effect you’re getting.  Saying she’s interested in you but not showing any interest would drive anyone cuckoo!

So what should you do?  Well, changing something would be good.  So perhaps you could tell her “I know you’re interested in me, but it seems you don’t have any time for me, so just let me know when you’d like to talk, and I’ll stop bothering you,” and see what happens.  Does she get annoyed, “I never said I didn’t have time!”?  Does she get even more distant and quiet?  Or does she start calling more often?

The only one of those I wouldn’t like would be the ‘more distant’ one.  If that’s the case, then it sounds like she’s really not all that interested, and is only being polite.  But if she gets angry, or starts calling more often, then it says to me that she has been interested, and still is, but for some other reason started pulling away a bit.

And at that point, you could try to find out what that reason was.  Or not.  Either one’s fine.

What’ll matter is that you’ll have her back!

And even if the response is the one we don’t want, at least it’ll get you out of Dr. Pavlov’s laboratory, and into a world where you can begin on the ground again!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your father is breaking up with your mother

AayuTheLegend asks: My life is going downhill because my parents are falling apart, and my father was at the point of hitting my mother, and no one is supporting her except for us her loving children, and she is saying they will divorce. Please help me.

Hi AayuTheLegend –

I don’t know how old you are, my friend, but your earlier letters show me that you’re clearly not a young child.  I have numerous posts on the AskShirelle site for kids going through this experience, which is one of the most awful things a child, or a dog, can go through. 

Yes I said a dog.  We are so sensitive to the energies in our homes, and are so deeply attached to our humans, that we simply can’t handle it when you guys fight each other; we don’t like it when you’re even angry – it feels like you’re angry at us!  So of course, a child is going to feel the same way.

But you’re not a dog, and you’re not a child.  You’re older, and still devastated by this.  Of course you are!  You still have that child inside you – and children’s brains still have the same core as us pooches’ ones!  This is so upsetting, so frustrating, so crushing. 

And you might also have another element here.  Just as I don’t know your age, I don’t know your religion.  To some people, divorce is just a sad reality; to others it’s an unpardonable sin that might mean one or both of your parents is condemning their soul to damnation! 

Now as a dog, I can’t comment on that one, but I sure understand that it would be terrifying!

So what can you do to help?  Sadly not much more than you are.

Giving your mother your love and support is the best thing you can do.  And your father might need some too, even if you disagree with him.

But there’s one thing you can do, that’s really scary, but might be great.  Are you old enough to remember when

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s ex pretends they’re still together

Awerpia asks: Although my girlfriend has been broken up with her ex for a year now, he still has numerous of her pictures with him posted on his Facebook account. She has made many efforts to convince him into deleting those pictures, but he has turned deaf ears. Even if we are to report him to Facebook for his account to be blocked, he has so many pictures of “both of them” that he can keep on posting on a different account. It’s very annoying and hurtful when I see those pictures or even just knowing that he posts them because it sends a false message to people as though they were still dating. Shirelle, I want the girl to be mine alone. I love her so much. What should I do? Should I just ignore it?

Hi Awerpia –

This is certainly one of the problems of social media.  Someday maybe there’ll be a way to fix it, but I don’t see any now.   I think you’re just stuck with it.

But imagine what it was like before Facebook and Instagram and all.  Would it bother you if your girlfriend’s ex had hard-copy photographs of them when they were a couple?  What if it were her ex-husband?

But in truth, even the photos aren’t the big issue, are they?  He has memories of her.  He has memories he can go back to any time he likes – even decades from now, if he’s married and has children, he will still be able to remember her from then.

The only solution to this is the old rule where people were paired up at birth.  Then there wouldn’t be any chance of this happening then!

But I don’t think you’d like that either.

What’s important is for you to own the fact that you have her NOW.  That he’s stuck posting old photos and pretending she’s still with him – imagine how painful that must be for him!  Knowing that she’s with you, laughing with you, kissing you!

What he does really doesn’t matter.  And it’ll stop the day he gets involved with someone new (who won’t tolerate him posting your girlfriend’s photo for one second!). 

What matters is that you have her.  And any attempts to mess with that just show how jealous he is.  So rub it in: go give her a big kiss from me right now!  Yeah, I mean my kind of kiss – a big lick on her nose!

That’ll show him!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s ex is hurting themselves to win them back

Quirkymesss asks: I was in relationship with a guy for a year and a half. I then came to know that he was already dating someone, and had been for three years. So his girlfriend found out about me one day and threatened me to stay away from that guy. But this guy comes again in my life and apologizes for everything, and says he wants a relationship with me too. I also can’t refuse to accept his proposal because I love him and he told me that he also loves me. And again his girlfriend found out everything (I know I wasn’t doing right thing but I can’t forget him), and still he came back to me. This actually happened three times and I am not a girl who is so strong or fights with people. But the girl threatened to come find me at my college, and I have to leave that guy because I don’t want any big issue. She says they’re committed to each other, but he was saying that she is blackmailing him by cutting her wrist (and he show me that too). And that she is not ready to leave him, and that he wanted to broke up with her, but he is not doing this because he’s afraid she’d do something to me if he did. So I just want to know how to solve this situation, in a way that nothing bad wouldn’t happen to any of us.

Hi Quirkymesss –

I have two very different answers for you.  One is how to deal with her, and the other is with him.

I’m feeling pretty bad for her.  He may say she’s blackmailing him, but it sounds to me like she’s an emotional mess (which is very different from being a Quirkymesss!).  If she really is threatening suicide, she needs some psychiatric help, and now!  She’s in great danger – and as you point out, you might be too.  Whether he stays with her or not, he needs to help her find someone who can help her deal with her fears and her pain.  Even if she was doing this just to manipulate him… would you  have cut your wrist to keep him?  Clearly not!  So I’m saying, she’s got issues and needs some help right away.

Okay, but now to the other question: Him.  I know you started the relationship not knowing about her, but he didn’t!  He knew perfectly well that he had been with another woman for a year and a half, and started dating you, not telling either of you about the other one. 

What does that say about him?

And even though she’s been manipulative, the fact that he kept you both around for another year and a half makes me worry a LOT about your relationship.  Let’s say he gets her some mental health, and is able to leave her, without her hurting herself or you.  Great.  But will you be able to trust him then?  What’s going to go through your mind when he’s away for a number of hours, or on a trip for his work?

And here’s my biggest question – has his behavior somewhat CAUSED her pain and craziness?

When I lived in the dog pound, I saw a lot of older dogs who were really messed up.  Chewing their paws till they bled, running in circles, all sorts of odd behaviors in their cages.  And I don’t think they were like that as puppies.  I think they were a lot like me originally.  But tough lives, and abuse and abandonment, and being locked up in pounds – all of those things sent them kind of mad.

So maybe this guy is great – but I’m not seeing it right now.  And I don’t want you turning into her! 

So while I’m very eager for her to get the help she needs, I also want to give you just a little nip on the ankle, to say “Hey Quirkymesss, be sure to notice this.  The hair on my back is up a little bit.”

With all my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your perfectionism makes you put yourself down

arjai101 asks: Rereading my letter to you made me realize I’m self-absorbed and vain. And, a lot of that whining was coming from a place of just hurt and pain. I guess there’s just been a whole lot of keeping it all inside. I honestly need to get my head screwed back on. Firstly, I’m trying to fix my relationship with food. I’m so tired of obsessing over what I eat and feeling hungry and tired and my workouts sucking. And then I indulge once, and I feel awful, and I go throw up. And, don’t come at me with the, “Do you know how unhealthy and dangerous that is? Don’t be stupid!” Believe me; I know; I know; I know. I know exactly what I’m doing to myself, read all the papers, and all the articles. And most of the time, I think I deserve it. I think I deserve every single second of it. Honestly, ever since I came out to my mom, it’s been downhill from there. Also, I finally stopped texting ex-marathon girl. I get that we’re friends. I know she’s a straight girl with a boyfriend. I’m not dumb and stupid. But, I feel like she has no real regard for me. And, I know I know I can’t blame anyone but myself. She owes me nothing. But, it just hurts so bad knowing I care so much more for her, more than she ever will for me. Then, there’s this guy who became a great friend to me, we’d talk about girls together – he knew exactly who and what I am – and still one night he made a clumsy stupid groping pass at me in his car. And when I pushed it away, he started making dumb excuses not to meet with me anymore. So I don’t know. I’ve been thinking and thinking and thinking. And maybe, I deserve it all. Maybe, I deserve every little thing. Perhaps it’s all my fault. I mean, it really all is. I brought all of this on me. I brought that weird sinister dark look the passes over my mom’s face every time there’s a subtle reminder that I’m gay. I brought getting felt up by that guy. Everything. Everything has my name on it. Lately, I’ve been trying to channel it all into anger. But then, you’re still just reminded how you mean almost nothing to that beautiful girl. How, you were nothing but some conquest to that guy. How another friend I trusted is off living his best life with all of his friends and adventures and better things to do. How, your mom doesn’t want you to tell anyone what you are. And church. And family. And all of my other irrelevant unimportant issues because I’m an entitled brat. And I, I just exist in some vast void of boredom and nothingness hoping to grasp onto some rope and get the hell out, but realizing that maybe everyone must want me to stay in there or maybe they forgot about me, or maybe just learn to shut up and disappear better. And, can I really blame them? All I do is hurt people; I can’t even help it; I don’t even know I’m doing it. But, I know I do. I mean, I must be. I know I just need to wait it out. I’ll be at college, and it’ll be better. That’s what everyone keeps saying. But, what if it doesn’t? What if I don’t shine bright enough or my personality annoys everyone? And, it’s just me, desperate as hell. You know, I was watching this interpretive dance video done by Eugene Lee Yang. And, he goes through all these colors, each one representing a stage in his life. And finally, in the end, he gets to violet. He’s standing there in this stunning ensemble, all just crashing down around him. And, it looks like everyone doesn’t even know what the hell to do with him. But, he’s just standing there despite everything, with this look of determination, like “You can’t tell me a thing anymore.” And you know, I just was thinking…God I hope I get to violet. I really hope there is just light at the end of the tunnel and I make it there alive. You know, it’s not really my nature to fade away. But, I don’t know, these past few months I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Oh arjai101!!!!

Hasn’t anyone told you that it’s animal abuse to break a dog’s heart?!  And you SO break mine!

Nothing you’re telling me about your actual, objective, situations is all that rare.  A crush on a bland beautiful woman who can’t deal with your reality?  Half the guys I know have that same problem, not to mention the interesting ladies like you.  A young man who believes the nonsensical myths out there about how every lesbian is just dying to be “turned” by the right guy with the right moves?  Ridiculous and SO common.  And a mother who can’t accept her daughter being her full self, but won’t reject her either, just asks her to keep it all secret for “the neighbors’ sake?”  TIMELESS!

(Of course, the first two of those apply to us pooches as well!  Handsome’s had girlfriends I wanted SO BADLY to love me and just couldn’t win over; and while I’m not a lesbian, I was spayed early, so share your complete disinterest in males’ sexual desire for me.  If you haven’t read my story about that, go to AskShirelle.com and type in HarrietteS in the search box, and read my story about this fellow at a dog park who makes Albacore look like SUCH a gentleman!  But the situation with your mom – yeah that’s only humans.  And I’m awfully AWFULLY sorry about your having to go through that one)

And I’ll do what you ask and not get on your case about the eating issue.  But there’s another issue I am going to COMPLETEY get on your case about.  And that’s the way you spend this whole letter BEATING THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOURSELF!  And you know what I’m going to tell you about it?  You might recognize the words:

“Do you know how unhealthy and dangerous that is? Don’t be stupid!”

Arjai101, I’m going to trust that you’re able to healthily deal with your – yes, stupid – eating issues.  But this letter is SO FULL of self-loathing and blame…

MY FRIEND YOU ARE DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG!  How would you be if I blamed myself for having been placed in the dog pound?!  You’d say I was crazy, right?  It’s not your fault a beautiful girl is straight (or boring), or that a guy is too horny for his own good, or that your mother is too concerned with social customs. 

Now is it true that you don’t fit in to a lot of situations?  Yeah, and I relate to that a LOT!  You’re ME!  And yes, that’ll be an issue as long as I live.  But I don’t blame myself – I really LIKE the way I am.  And when some people can’t handle that?  Well, that’s a difficulty for everyone concerned.  But I’m not changing who I am, or asking them to change who they are.  We’re all fine, just as we are.

But when you say that you’re lonely? 

Well yes.  I relate fully, and that situation STINKS.  And yes, I’m one more voice saying that I believe that’ll get better at college.  And then it’ll get better and better, the more you’re able to openly be yourself (which maybe you can’t while you’re living with your mom, which isn’t fair at all). 

But what I’m calling STUPID is your perfectionistic view that you’re somehow at fault for this.  That there’s something wrong with you.  THERE’S NOT!

But your letter reminded me of something.   Something I haven’t thought about in a while.  A few years ago, I helped to

0 What to do when a parent stops speaking to you

Naina asks: I just had a fight with my mom and now she is not talking to me what should I do now?

Hi Naina –

Now of course I don’t know you, or her, but I can’t help but guess that this is a very abnormal event in your home.  That her not talking to you is new, or at least rare.

And usually it’s the other way; usually parents are begging for their kids to talk with them, open up, stop being so secretive.  So my sense is that this argument really bothered her.  More than maybe any fight you’ve ever had before. 

I find that, when something like this happens, it’s really a chance for you to learn about the other person.  Something bothered them that badly.  What was it?  Why did this bother them more than other things (that might have seemed like bigger deals to you)?

When I was a puppy, I was a horrible chewer.  I chewed and bit everything around me.  And while Handsome, my human friend, would often get annoyed, it never went beyond that.  Until one day, when he was taking a shower, singing along with one of his favorite albums, a record that he’d had since childhood .  And came out to find the cover in a hundred pieces all over the floor, and me with the rest of it in my mouth.  He flew into a rage, picked me up, opened the back door, and threw me across the back yard!  (Before I even touched the ground, he suddenly felt horrible guilt, and has never totally forgiven himself, even though I came through it fine – landing as well as any cat!). 

So let me tell you, I’m not quite sure why an album cover has more meaning to him than, say, the leg of a table.  But I learned quickly that it does – and have never so much as sniffed another record ever since!

So, like that, something specific happened in this fight, that’s driving your mom nuts.  So your job is to find out what it is.  (Please tell me you didn’t chew up Abbey Road like I did!)

And once you do, or even if you have a good guess, then your (tough) job is to go to your mom and tell her.  “Hey Mom, I’ve been thinking a lot, and I realize it was really hurtful when I told you I’ve always hated your hair,” or “really hurtful when I said you’ve never been a good mother,” or “really hurtful when I said I want to move out.” 

And here’s the funny part.  You might be wrong.  You might think it was about her hair, when all she cared about was you saying you might move. 

But even if you are wrong, your effort will show her that you cared.  That you thought about it.  That you were anything but the thoughtless, inconsiderate, stinker she was feeling you were.  And that instead, you were the angel she’d fallen in love with the moment you were born, but maturing into a caring, trustworthy adult. 

(And it’ll be even better if you’re right!)

So give that a try.  And even if you’re no better a mind-reader than I am, you’re still very likely to win her heart – and her voice – back!

The Very Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone you like says you’re not attracted to them

Nsom asks: Hey, I really love this girl. But she says I’m not physically attracted to her. What should I do?

Hi Nsom –

This is one of the odder qualities of people, that I see every now and then.  

If I feel hungry, I feel hungry.  And anyone telling me I’m not is just silly.  And no one does that to us dogs.

But I see it all the time in humans:  “You’re angry.”  “You love her.”  Even “You’re cheating on me.”

And this one you’re hearing is equally goofy.  You know very well whether you’re attracted to this girl or not; and she clearly doesn’t know at all!

But perhaps there is one truth in here – maybe you could have let her know how attracted you are more.  Lots of guys don’t say things they’re feeling, like “Wow I love that dress on you” or “You have such beautiful eyes,” or “I think about your smile all day.”  

So perhaps, if you get another chance with her (or with another girl) you might work on that a bit more.

But once you’ve got that going, the next time she tells you what you’re feeling, or you’re not, feel free to tell her for me – That’s Goofy!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle