What to do when your fiancée pulls away

Kiran1209 asks: Hi, I met a girl through our parents, and we are engaged to be married. It’s been 6 months since I met her. We live in different cities. As I have experienced, I am always the one to initiate conversation or make a plan to meet up. But for past 1-2 months she has been avoiding to talk to me by giving multiple reasons. So I am not sure whether she is interested in me or not. I also asked her once whether she is interested in me and she said yes but since then she has not shown any sign of interest. What should I do ?

Hi Kiran1209 –

What a headache! 

Have you ever heard of a scientist named Ivan Pavlov?  He did some famous experiments many years ago, where he trained dogs to expect a treat when they got a particular signal.  Then he started giving them the signal without the treat, or even hurting them instead of giving them the treat.  Can you guess what happened?  A lot of the dogs went completely mad!

Now I’m sure this girl isn’t doing a Pavlovian experiment on you, but that’s kind of the effect you’re getting.  Saying she’s interested in you but not showing any interest would drive anyone cuckoo!

So what should you do?  Well, changing something would be good.  So perhaps you could tell her “I know you’re interested in me, but it seems you don’t have any time for me, so just let me know when you’d like to talk, and I’ll stop bothering you,” and see what happens.  Does she get annoyed, “I never said I didn’t have time!”?  Does she get even more distant and quiet?  Or does she start calling more often?

The only one of those I wouldn’t like would be the ‘more distant’ one.  If that’s the case, then it sounds like she’s really not all that interested, and is only being polite.  But if she gets angry, or starts calling more often, then it says to me that she has been interested, and still is, but for some other reason started pulling away a bit.

And at that point, you could try to find out what that reason was.  Or not.  Either one’s fine.

What’ll matter is that you’ll have her back!

And even if the response is the one we don’t want, at least it’ll get you out of Dr. Pavlov’s laboratory, and into a world where you can begin on the ground again!

All my best,


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