Category Archives for "Questions"

0 Should you stay in a relationship with someone who says it can’t last long-term?

Suzyz asks:

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and I love him very much.  We belong to different religions. He sometimes says he will be with be and sometimes says that there will be a lot of problems we could not face and stay strong. He says he would have to separate from his family which he can’t do. He says let’s just be together till time permits and then we will go our separate ways. When I try to reason, he says that this is life and you have to move on. I know I am going to lose him but why is this happening to me?  If he can’t stay with me in the future because of his parents, then why not leave me today? I just don’t have the courage to stop talking to him or end this relationship. We are in the same college and class which only makes the situation worse.  Plz help, I am tired of crying. 

Hi Suzyz –

I’m so sorry! I hate it when my friends cry!

Have you ever heard of John Gray?  He wrote a famous book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and a number of sequels to it.  At one point, he wrote about the question of whether couples should share interests, or have an “opposites attract” dynamic.  

His answer was that it doesn’t matter.  That it can be delightful when both of you like horror movies or football, and it can be fun when you disagree about lots of things. But, he argued, what matters is that the partners share Values. Core moral values.  Especially if they’re thinking of having and raising children.

So she loves reading sappy romantic novels while he plays violent first-person-shooter video games?  That can be okay, if they agree about those big issues – like whether it’s ever okay to break the law, or about religion in their lives.  

That last one is a big one.  Because you can disagree about politics and just avoid discussing it, but religion is about values, and about eternity.

So you can probably see where I’m going with this.  You say you’re in college.  Well that’s a good age for casual dating – so if you want to have someone to go to dancing with, then all I care about is that he treats you respectfully. But if you’re thinking about a serious partnership – then my simple answer is No.  You have different religions, and he’s treating you like I treat a chew toy – enjoying it but tearing it to bits and leaving it strewn around the yard.

You. Can. Do. Better!

And so can he.  Better for him to find a woman who fits his religion (who’ll probably then turn his life upside down by being ten times as demanding as you’d ever have been!), while you find a good guy who respects you, works to understand you, and maybe even shares your religious beliefs.

Some questions are hard.  This one’s easy.  For me anyway.

For you, now comes the hard part.  Especially as you’re in classes together.  And it will hurt like blazes, I know – especially as you love him so much.  But once you’ve freed each other, your lives will be so much better! 

Best of luck with it,

Shirelle

0 How much should one express to someone they meet online (especially during a lockdown)?

PERFECTION asks:

I met this girl on Facebook and she seems nice and all.  It’s been a week and a couple of days since the first time we talked to each other and things are actually going so well. I already told her a LOT of things about me, she seems to be interested about my life, and she also told me a lot about herself too. It’s a give and take situation.  Umm, is it alright for things to be going this fast? I mean, we’ve been calling each other “baby” already and saying “I love you” whenever we’re gonna go or have something to do. I’m just kind of a bit worried if I am going too fast? Is this normal? I told her, “I really don’t know you but, I would very much like to know you more, this may be just an infatuation but it could also be something bigger.”  Was I on the right track saying that to her?  I’ve always wanted for her to know what I wanted and what my thoughts are.  What do you think I should do? Is everything just fine? 

Hi PERFECTION –

I really have two answers for you.  The first is a big shrug, and for one simple reason: I. Am. A. Dog.  I get all excited by people and pups the moment I meet them, and if they smell good and are nice to me I instantly feel exactly what you said to her!  I find you humans brilliant and all, but I have to admit I’ve never understood just why it takes you so long. 

For example, the day I met Handsome, I was a puppy in a cage in a pound with four other pups.  He and I locked eyes, he put his hand in the cage and I chewed on it, and right then I was 100% in favor of a lifetime commitment (especially if it involved getting me out of that cage!).  It took him some hours to decide, but luckily he made my choice.  But for me, it just took seconds.

The issue, for knuckleheads like you and me, is that our immediate excitement can put some humans off.  Handsome liked it, but other people run away from my friendliness and kisses.  You know, the “Dogs are all right, as long as they don’t try to lick me or anything” sort! 

So were you too forward with her?  Did you maybe scare her back a bit?  I don’t know.  Only she does, and only she can tell you what you did right or wrong.

But you certainly didn’t do anything gross or unkind.  You didn’t grab her or force anything onto her. 

So here’s the funny part – instead of looking at this as you doing something right or wrong, how about if you look at it as a test for her?  And if she loves your enthusiasm, that’s yet another reason to like her.  Or if she backs up just a bit, wondering if you’re this way with all the girls, then that’s okay – if just shows she’s smart and cautious, and hopefully she (like Handsome) will come around to you again soon.

But what if she hates what you said?  What if she’s actually repelled by it, “Who does he think he is?!  I barely know this guy and he’s pushing things way too far!”  Well, then that says something else about her.  In particular, I think it says that she might not be the right girl for an exciting, enthusiastic romantic like you!

So overall, my first answer is, No Problem at All, just keep your eyes open to see how she responds.

And my second answer?  My friend, this is SUCH A WEIRD TIME!!!  In normal days you two would have met by now, and shyly, nervously, begun the clumsily beautiful dance that is human dating.  But now, you two are locked up and probably can’t even meet for a while.  So I don’t know if there’s really a right and wrong about how you two communicate (with the exception of sending her something that would truly hurt or offend her, but you’re above that).

It makes me think of an amazing movie Handsome showed me once.  Or rather, the very beginning of it.  It’s World War II, and a British pilot radios down from his plane to give a report, which is taken by a young American woman.  He explains that his plane has been shot, is on fire, and is going to crash, and he has no parachute, so he knows he’s going to be killed in minutes.  The woman is horrified, and pleads for some way for him to be saved.  But there is none.  But as they talk, in this insane level of stress, he falls in love with her and her beautiful caring heart.  And he promises that, if there is life after death, he’ll come find her.  He bids her goodbye, and she suddenly hears no more on her radio.  (The movie is called “A Matter of Life and Death,” and Handsome always insists it’s the best opening of any movie he’s ever seen!  And the rest of it’s amazing too.  Check it out if you ever get the chance!)

This is coming into my mind because, like you and this girl, there’s nothing that pilot and radio operator can say that’s wrong.  He can confess his love, and she can fall for him, and who could fault either of them? 

Now this lockdown will end someday, and you and she will have to deal with each other in a more normal setting.  But for right now, if you’re both happy with what you’re saying, I’d say to keep it up.  What harm could there be?

And of course I WANT THIS TO WORK OUT, BECAUSE IT’S SO ROMANTIC MY PUPPY HEART IS ABOUT TO BURST OUT OF MY RIBS!!!

Please Please let me know what happens!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you unintentionally offend someone

AayuTheLegend asks: I get sooooo annoyed by the girls in my class. They take a double meaning to everything I say. And get angry. Like once I said “Do u wanna grab a cup of coffee?” I got a reply saying, “You don’t respect me, you objectify me!” I wasn’t even looking at her that way. I just wanted to be a friend. I mean how should I calm myself down?

Hi AayuTheLegend –

Now of course there’s a lot I don’t know about the situation.  Maybe you’d done something that bothered this girl before, or maybe she’d had something awful happen to her that morning.

But I’m going to assume neither is true.  I’m going to assume both of you were fully innocent in this situation.  So if that’s the case, how did it happen?

My friend, you need to look at the world of a school from outside (the way I do).  Especially a high school or university.  As female beauty is too often judged these days, that’s the age when girls/women are their most attractive.  And hormonally, that’s when boys/men are their most focused on sex.  So young ladies are constantly aware, maybe more than any other time in their lives, of how they’re being looked at, judged, craved, rejected, all that.  And that’s assuming everyone’s being completely polite.

But I find that often that’s not the case.  Boys at this age (I won’t say “men”) can also be mean and crude, and feel a stupid sense of strength by showing off their objectification of womenfolk.  My human friend Handsome tells me that there was a house at the university he went to, where boys would sit out on a balcony and hold up numbers as the ladies walked by, rating them from one to ten. 

And this would be rough enough, but then you need to add in how females get these messages all day anyway!  From constant media saying you need to be as thin as Taylor Swift, as curvy as Kim Kardashian, and as tall as a supermodel.  And while this is happening to boys more now too (What?  You don’t have an eightpack like Zac Ephron?), for girls it’s far worse.  I’ll bet you’d be okay with showing up at school looking sloppy some morning after you’d overslept.  Imagine if you were then judged for that for the rest of the year; THAT’S what the girls go through!  (And judged as harshly, or worse, by other girls than by the boys!).

So all this is to say, my guess is that’s where that girl was when you made your friendly offer to her.  She was so sick of it all – so miserably DONE with being judged on all these stupid grounds, valued only for her beauty instead of the qualities she cares about, and here a nice boy walked up to her and asked her (and not a group of people) to have coffee. 

And here’s the irony – while she was sick of being pre-judged, she was pre-judging YOU!  You may have wanted to discuss the Chemistry homework, or to ask about a political opinion she’d shared in class.  But because you were a member of the group that had treated her only as a member of a group, she snapped at you!

My friend, you started your letter by saying how annoyed you are by the girls in your class, who take a double-meaning to everything.  My suggestion is that you start getting annoyed with the people in the world, who take at least a double-meaning to everything instead!  And so, when a young woman reacts in this way to you, you’re able to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come off as that kind of guy.  I really just wanted to talk with you about something you said in class.  But I sure understand how you’d be sick of being objectified.  Me too.  People can have such stupid values.”  Then when she stares at you, open-mouthed, because she can’t believe you’re saying something so aware, throw in “I can see this is a bad time.  But maybe some other time I’d love to talk.  Maybe about objectification.”  Smile, turn, and walk away. 

AayuTheLegend, you would become a legend in her mind at that moment!  The nonsensical system that she’s feeling so oppressed by?  You’d have blown a hole in it forever!

Oh and by the way, outside of the occasional bath and (I HATE THESE) toenail clipping, nothing is ever done for my looks.  I don’t diet, no makeup, nothing.  And every day I hear comments on how beautiful I am.  In at least this area, we dogs live a way better life than you humans give yourselves!

Thanks again!

Shirelle

0 How to help a friend whose feelings you’ve hurt

indithelady asks: 

I’m having an argument with my best friend right now, and I’m extremely confused.

Here’s how it all started.  My friend S has a crush on a celebrity on Instagram, and because this celebrity hasn’t actually become super-famous, he answers to DMs and comments from his fans. S showed me his Instagram profile, and because she was my best friend I thought it would be fun to fangirl him together. I followed him and since then I’ve been trying to DM him just for fun. He actually replied to all of them which was exciting. I showed the conversations to S and she pretended to quarrel with me about “stealing her lover,” and had a good laugh – you know like best friends do. It was just supposed to be a joke and she knew that. Now here are some things you should know about S and me. We are two completely different people. I’m more outgoing and I love to socialize, whereas S keeps to herself and is a bit of an introvert. but that was never a problem to me and she never mentioned that she had trouble with socializing. 4 days later the celebrity DM’ed me back a heart, and I sent a screenshot to Sara for a joke, as we’ve been doing for a while. Suddenly she cussed at me, which surprised me, but I thought it was part of the joke so just kept teasing her. The next morning when I woke up, she sent me a long paragraph about how I’m so clueless about everything, and she cussed at me a lot of times. I was upset and shocked but I still apologized because maybe I did do something wrong. She ignored me but I figured I would just give her some space. I couldn’t sleep until the next day so I checked her twitter, and she was tweeting and saying mean stuff about me. I was heartbroken because I don’t even understand why she’s so mad. 4 days ago we were having a good laugh and now she’s calling me names. I spent the whole day crying and trying to talk to her. I called her cell and she answered the first time, but when she realized it was me she hung up. I spam called her, because I felt the need to talk to her. I know I probably seemed rude and I’m sorry but I explained to her that we needed to talk. And I also wanted to know why she was saying all that stuff about me on Twitter, telling people another version of the story that made me seen like a bad person.  She’s bad mouthing me and other people are starting to look down on me, and I have no idea why she is doing this. I understand that she’s upset I kept DM’ing her celebrity crush but she was laughing with me. Why not just talk to me about how she felt instead of spreading nasty rumors about me. I get the feeling that she’s… kind of toxic. This is the biggest argument we’ve ever had because she’s blocked me on every social media and I have no way to reach her. It seems like she’s being irrational and its always me who has to apologize. She once said nasty things about me to my face, but I just ignored and forgave her. But now this small matter? and she’s blaming it all on me? I don’t understand. I want to fix this but I’m tired. I feel like she’s doing this on purpose just to lash out at me. What should I do?

Hi indithelady –

So I’ll admit, I would have been writing you back that I’m completely perplexed and have no idea what to do about this.  Except for one sentence in your letter: “I’m more outgoing and I love to socialize, whereas S keeps to herself and is a bit of an introvert.”  And that makes me think I know what’s going on.

You and S have been friends in real life.  There’s something not-quite-real about being fangirls to some celeb on Instagram, but your relationship is still the same.  And my guess is that S has always been jealous, and felt inferior, to you because of your outgoing nature.  (I talk to people about this all the time, that when humans become adults, it really doesn’t matter anymore whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert.  Lots of the most successful, admired, and desired people in the world are introverts!  But when you’re young, it matters, a lot.) 

I’m going to guess you’re in high school, where social popularity matters more than any other time in life.  So it was fun for her at first, when you joined with her in sending stuff to this guy.  But then, when he responded, and you were writing him when you weren’t with her, she felt betrayed, that you’d gone behind her back and, well, in a sense, stolen her boyfriend!

If I’m correct on this, you’ve done everything right so far, but she’s so hurt and upset that none of your message has gotten through.

But there is one thing you still can do, if you want.  Because this guy is so kind and interactive, while not too popular to hear you, I’m thinking you could write him and ask HIM to write her.  That you could explain just what happened, and how you’ve just been having fun for her sake, but she misinterpreted it all.  And ask if he can explain to her that there’s nothing between you, and that he just loves to play and flirt on Instagram, and, most importantly, that you, indithelady, were only doing this for her! 

Now maybe he wouldn’t be up for it; of course I have no idea.  But I sure know that if something like this happened with me (who also is friendly and interactive and not that big a celebrity!), I’d be honored to write her in a second and let her know what really matters (her real-life best friend) and what doesn’t so much (her virtual relationship with me).

Not to say I don’t matter, or that my relationships with my Pack members don’t matter!  Each one of you means loads to me!  But not as much as your relationships with your friends and family, or mine with mine.

Do you think it’s worth a shot?

Let me know!

Shirelle

0 How to figure out what people who avoid compliments really feel

Wretched asks: I jwant to know your thoughts about my crush’s reply to my confession. I didn’t get it and I don’t know what to reply. So I’m asking you if I have been rejected. My confession started with “I like you” and I followed it with the reasons why. I told him I was thankful for him because he helped me heal through his Godly posts. His reply was, “All glory goes to God and I merely relayed God’s messages.” Now I am confused with how to respond to that.

Hi Wretched –

This is a funny situation.  You know, my human friend Handsome, who I think is just the greatest thing in shoes?  Well he has this problem, where when someone gives him a big compliment, he’ll often give a trick answer, to avoid it.  He likes hearing them, but they often make him uncomfortable.  So someone will say they like the outfit he’s wearing, and he’ll comment on how much better it would look on a better-looking guy.  Or they compliment something he’s said as smart, and he’ll say “yeah, well even a broken clock is right twice a day.”  Or they’ll say he’s got deep wisdom and a great soul… when he ALWAYS says, “any of that is completely due to what I’ve learned from Shirelle.”

The reason I’m saying all this is that I truly don’t know what your crush is feeling or thinking.  He may be a man who believes deeply that all honor on him belongs to God, and it’s his way of expressing faith to say so at every opportunity.  Or he may (more like Handsome) just be a bit embarrassed, and even if he feels the same way toward you that you feel toward him, retreated into his statement about God.

Or it could be that he is trying to let you down easy.

I have NO IDEA. 

In fact, is it even possible that he didn’t fully understand  what you said, and really thought you were just thanking and complimenting him for his help?

Sadly I think the truth is we know nothing.  And can’t unless he says something more.

Is there a way for you to get a little more information out of him?  Even just find out about what he likes or finds attractive in others?  (I find people can get a lot of information about that by asking about movies and TV shows and music.  “What movie stars do you like?”  If you could be with any character on TV, who would it be?”)

Because right now, I’m as unknowing as you! And by the way, I have no problem acknowledging, I’m REALLY SMART!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should couples stay together when they know they don’t have a future with each other?

Chdeep asks:

What to do when you love each other but there is no future?
Break up or stay together as long as possible?

Hi Chdeep –

This is SOOO difficult, and there’s no answer that’s always correct for everyone.  The one advice I can give on this is that the two of you need to discuss this issue, openly, with each other.  And be totally honest.

Let’s say you two agree that it’s fun right now, and so you’d like to keep things going until a particular point, and then move on.  As long as you don’t do anything that will make you responsible later (such as create a child!), that can work fine, and you can look back on each other with great appreciation as the years go by.

Or let’s say you two agree that it’s too painful to stay together when you agree there’s no future, so you break up to protect each other from higher pain.  Okay, again, you can appreciate each other for the rest of your lives.

But what if one of you feels “let’s keep it while it’s fun” and the other says “I have to protect myself from pain.”  Then, I know it’s disappointing, but I think you have to go with what the second one says.  Better to miss out on some fun than to cause deep pain to someone you like or love.

But if you’re not open about it, if you’re not honest with yourselves and each other, then someone is likely to get REALLY hurt, and feel betrayed.  And then, instead of appreciating each other forever, you’ll have to live with suspicion and resentment.  Yucch.

Look, we dogs know the bad news; we don’t live as long as you humans.  So we always are in relationships with “no future,” as we know our people are very likely to live on after we’re gone.  And that’s always really sad for both of us.  But there’s never a resentment over it – no person feels betrayed or abandoned by us when we go.  And we’re able to give each other so much love and joy while we’re both still around.

So talk with each other, and be kind for each other.   And that will make whatever you decide the right choice.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should men or women initiate conversations?

PERFECTION asks:  Will it kill women to chat to men first? Is it that hard?  Is that really how it should be?  I have someone that I currently have been chatting with, and I always am the one to reach out first. Does that mean anything? I mean, could it be a sign that she’s not interested in me? What do you think I should do??

Hi PERFECTION –

This is yet another one of those cases where we dogs are so different from you!  We like to be the first to start conversations.  That way we can try to set the situation, whether it’ll be playing, fighting, or avoiding.  And I love running up to people I like and jumping on them, licking their faces, all that.  Why would I want to wait for them?!

But I know, you guys see things differently, and start to feel disrespected or unwanted when someone else isn’t initiating your contact at least part of the time.

So you ask if it’s hard to do?  No.

But then you ask if it means anything.  And with that, I’m not so sure.  Humans have many different and complex agendas.  So is she trying to let you down easily, in a not-so-hurtful way?  Or is she playing by some rule-book that says the woman should wait for the man to initiate contact so she doesn’t seem easy and not worth the effort?  Or is she just busy a lot, or does she lack a certain set of manners?!

I have no idea!

But you have every right to ask her.  Maybe in a more polite tone than you presented to me, though!!  Something more like “Hey I’m noticing I’m always the one initiating our chats.  Is there something I should be picking up from this?  Would you rather I didn’t reach out as much?”  And if she says “Oh my God, no!  Please keep reaching out, you’re the highlight of my every day!” then I think you’re in pretty good shape.  Or if she says “Well I’m busy a lot of the time, and you keep interrupting me while I’m in other conversations with guys,” then that says something else!

I fully understand that you don’t want to come off as weak or begging.  But to, from a place of strength and confidence, ask if there’s a reason for it… I think that ought to be fine.

Or actually, here’s what I really believe: if she’s interested in you, then the question will be fine and she’ll let you know it (and probably be complimented at your interest).  But if she’s not, she might find it annoying.  And either one will tell you what you need to know.

Here’s Hoping for the Best!

Shirelle

0 How to get your husband and his family to treat you better.

Pritzel asks:

I got married recently, an arranged marriage. I am suffering from, let’s call it “manic introversion.” I don’t know the exact term it goes by, but you get the idea, right? His family is old fashioned and full of nitpickers and I’m extremely sensitive to those people. I am utterly incapable of confronting such people, so my only tactic is evasion. I am otherwise bright making steady progress towards building a career for myself, but this marriage shattered all my dreams. In the one year since we got married, I slowly gave into all the terms of arranged marriage. I have one final request – staying away from his family until I am ready to meet them one day. Complete avoidance. Is it wrong? Most of the time he is good to me, but when we fight about it, it sends me down a vortex of depression. He breaks stuff and manhandles me when I refuse to budge and go meet his relatives. What am I supposed to do?

Hi Pritzel –

Okay, I have to start with one issue, before I answer your question.  As a dog I’m very sensitive to the concept of “manhandling.”  When my human friend, Handsome, handles me, it’s either to do something nice (petting, hugging, or playing), or to protect me (grabbing me as I walk into a street, or stopping me from getting into a fight).  But when you talk about your husband manhandling you in anger, I get very concerned.  It makes me think of my friend Aria, who was grabbed and beaten when she was younger, and so still today, living in a happy loving home, will scream out and snap when someone reaches to the back of her neck – which is always out of wanting to pet her!  It’s so sad, and for those people, scary!

So I don’t like this at all.  Every couple has differences and arguments, but I want him to STOP TREATING YOU ROUGHLY RIGHT AWAY!  I don’t know what resources you have, but I’d love it if you could threaten him in some way, like “If you hurt me again, I’m going to go stay with my parents” or even “If you grab me like that again, I’m going to have my big brother come talk with you about it!”  I know I’d love to be in the room and come at him with all my teeth bared – and I’ll bet that’d be all I’d need to do!  Not even nip him, just give him a little scare, and then leave you two to work out this difficult situation in a fairer, safer manner.

But on to your question.  You’re suffering from his family being excessively judgmental, it seems.  I’m not sure what you mean by giving in to “all the terms of arranged marriage,” or how it’s shattered all your dreams, but I sure do know that no one likes feeling judged like that.  And you really have no say in it; you’re the new wife, wanting to be liked and accepted, and his family, who chose you, or at least agreed to you, are making that hard or impossible for you.

I can mainly think of two solutions to this.  First would be if you could get your husband to stick up for you.  I don’t mean for him to abandon his family, but could he just be strong and say to them, “Mother, you need to treat Pritzel better.  She’s my wife, and the way you act toward her is an insult to me.”  Or “Aunt, you’re being unfair to Pritzel, and making our family look bad to her.  I’ve been trying to make her happy, but you’re making her feel like she doesn’t even want to be around you.”  Or just, “Brother, cool it!”  Him doing this would not only help you out, but build his confidence as well, making him feel some power in his family structure.

But second, if he’s unable or unwilling to do those (or even if he does do them), is there one member of his family you feel is more on your side?  Maybe his sister or his aunt?  Who you could talk with, away from the others, and get to support you more?  I’m thinking something like “Hey sister-in-law, you’re always so nice to me, and I just need to talk with you because I need some help when the other family members are being harsh!”  Is there someone you feel this way toward?  You see, if you can get just one of them on your side, that’s usually enough to make the difference. 

And of course I’d love you to get your confidence built up anyway, as it’s clear you’ll need that for dealing with all of these folks.  So please feel free to write me anytime, even for just a supportive tail-wag and bark.  But anything else you can do to feel stronger is going to be great too.

Marriage ought to make your life better, my friend.  I hope there’s a way to make that happen.  Let’s see what we can do!

All my very best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you catch your teenager drinking

recmmc asks: I was putting something away in my 12-year-old daughter’s room, and I saw half- hidden water bottles, three of them with alcohol in them, and two shot glasses. I don’t know how to confront her regarding this and proper discipline.

Hi recmmc –

As frightening as this has to have been for you, I can assure you it’s as common as fleas on my tummy in summer.  Normally this will happen a year or two later than twelve years old, but your daughter may just be an “early bloomer.”  I’m going to guess that two things are going on here.

First of all, she is doing the natural experimentation teenagers do.  She’s trying out something that’s always been forbidden, attempting to act older than she is, and very likely doing it with a friend or friends, which makes it even more exciting and meaningful to her.

On the other hand, she has done it in a clumsy way – leaving the evidence right out there for you to find, which tells me she was absolutely planning (maybe unconsciously) for you to catch her.

My suggestion to you would be to respond to it, but in a very “cool” way.  She’s broken a rule, and there needs to be some sort of consequence, but as of now there’s no sign that she’s approaching alcoholism or anything like that.  You just want to let her know you’re in charge.

Part of being a teenager is testing boundaries, especially with parents and their rules.  The world is telling them every day to be more adult, and also stay a child.  So they need to figure out what are real boundaries and what aren’t.  It sounds to me like she’s doing just that. 

The funny part about this is that somewhere, deep-down, most teens in situations like this are actually hoping their parents set strong boundaries.  They need to feel what their real limits are so they can grow within them. 

But also there might be a cry-for-attention going on here.  I remember once, my human friend Handsome was working on a big project, and was gone pretty much all day every day for a few weeks, just coming home at night to sleep.  I amused myself by focusing on birds and squirrels, and some rats that would come over from our neighbor’s house, but I missed him and his attention horribly. 

Finally, one day he didn’t leave.  He had the day off and went about spending it at home, very happily.  And what did he do with that time?  He got the huge pile of mail that had accumulated and set to working on it, reading letters, paying bills, all that sort of stuff.  Well I was furious – I’d been patient all this time, and now that he was free he was going to look at papers?!  So I, very carefully, watching him to catch his eye, started walking around his white couch, which I wasn’t allowed onto.  And once he glanced up, I climbed right onto it, staring him in the eye the entire time!  Well of course he jumped up and yelled at me.  But he also, at that moment, realized what I was doing and why.  And so once he got me off the couch, he took me outdoors and started playing catch with me, which gave me exactly what I needed.

So again, my friend, my suggestion is to simply confront your daughter, and give her some small consequence for breaking the rules, and see if that’s enough.  And maybe, depending on your own views on this issue, you might offer to let her have a sip of wine or beer next time you have some – to let her know that, while the rules still apply, you also recognize that she is starting to grow into an adult.  (But that last part isn’t necessary unless it feels completely right to you).

Now if you do this and she does it again, or you see bigger problems, then please write me again, as that’s a very different story.  But for now, cool and clear will probably work just right.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your girlfriend feels ignored and wants to break up

Prince2411 asks:

I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for five years, and we’ve been through a lot in these years. Only, recently, she’s been a little different and always mentions separation as our only option for problems that are solvable. I have some academic backlog and I’m working on that, but upon looking at her friends who are successful now and getting engaged, she feels left out. She loves me but this does affect her.  She extends really small and petty issues and, as mentioned, always resorts to a break up as the last option. I love her and she loves me but I don’t know why she does this. How do I fix this? How do I save this relationship? My parents love her too. Please help.

Hi Prince2411 –

It sounds to me like you’re dealing with one major issue here – her doubt.  If she felt secure in you, and in your relationship, she’d be saying different things. 

She’d likely be bothered by, and complaining about, the same things she is now, but she’d be, like you, looking for ways to fix them, instead of saying there’s no way to do so.

Now it could be that she’s just not as interested in the relationship as you’d like her to be.  That one’s a sad situation, and one that’s best for both of you to move on from as soon (and as kindly) as possible.

But my guess is that that’s not it.  I’m struck by the things you say about your studies, and her engaged friends.  And I’m wondering if she just needs to know how important she is to you.  Not just that she’s your girlfriend, but what your intentions are, and what she means to you.

I know that my human friend Handsome loves me.  He says so every day, and shows it in many ways.  But sometimes, when he’s really involved in work or a relationship, I feel like I’m a lower priority to him, and that feels awful.  Sometimes he just comes around on his own and shows me how much I mean to him, but  other times I really need to force it out of him (my favorite method is to climb onto the forbidden couch!  He can’t just take me for granted then – he gets mad, but then he realizes why I’m doing it and starts treating me better).

So my advice is to not even respond to her statements about breaking up.  Instead, do two things.  First, think about every concern she has told you about, and come up with a good solution to each one.  She might or might not agree with what you say, but it will prove your interest. 

And second, make a great big fuss over her.  Send her flowers, write her a song, throw a surprise party for her (for no occasion!).  And maybe even talk about the future – tell her how you hope your lives will be when you’re done with school, and after that. 

And most importantly, just make a point of letting her know that she is the most important person in your world.  More important than your friends, and more important than your schoolwork and career. 

And if you can do that, my guess is that she’ll stop thinking that breaking up will solve anything at all!

Best of luck!

Shirelle