What to do when your girlfriend feels ignored and wants to break up

Prince2411 asks:

I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for five years, and we’ve been through a lot in these years. Only, recently, she’s been a little different and always mentions separation as our only option for problems that are solvable. I have some academic backlog and I’m working on that, but upon looking at her friends who are successful now and getting engaged, she feels left out. She loves me but this does affect her.  She extends really small and petty issues and, as mentioned, always resorts to a break up as the last option. I love her and she loves me but I don’t know why she does this. How do I fix this? How do I save this relationship? My parents love her too. Please help.

Hi Prince2411 –

It sounds to me like you’re dealing with one major issue here – her doubt.  If she felt secure in you, and in your relationship, she’d be saying different things. 

She’d likely be bothered by, and complaining about, the same things she is now, but she’d be, like you, looking for ways to fix them, instead of saying there’s no way to do so.

Now it could be that she’s just not as interested in the relationship as you’d like her to be.  That one’s a sad situation, and one that’s best for both of you to move on from as soon (and as kindly) as possible.

But my guess is that that’s not it.  I’m struck by the things you say about your studies, and her engaged friends.  And I’m wondering if she just needs to know how important she is to you.  Not just that she’s your girlfriend, but what your intentions are, and what she means to you.

I know that my human friend Handsome loves me.  He says so every day, and shows it in many ways.  But sometimes, when he’s really involved in work or a relationship, I feel like I’m a lower priority to him, and that feels awful.  Sometimes he just comes around on his own and shows me how much I mean to him, but  other times I really need to force it out of him (my favorite method is to climb onto the forbidden couch!  He can’t just take me for granted then – he gets mad, but then he realizes why I’m doing it and starts treating me better).

So my advice is to not even respond to her statements about breaking up.  Instead, do two things.  First, think about every concern she has told you about, and come up with a good solution to each one.  She might or might not agree with what you say, but it will prove your interest. 

And second, make a great big fuss over her.  Send her flowers, write her a song, throw a surprise party for her (for no occasion!).  And maybe even talk about the future – tell her how you hope your lives will be when you’re done with school, and after that. 

And most importantly, just make a point of letting her know that she is the most important person in your world.  More important than your friends, and more important than your schoolwork and career. 

And if you can do that, my guess is that she’ll stop thinking that breaking up will solve anything at all!

Best of luck!


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