Category Archives for "Questions"

0 Should you get a friend to talk for you to someone you like?

EAP asks: I like this boy in my year, and my friend keeps asking him out for me, and he keeps saying no. He said we can still be mates, but I want to be more than that! What can I do?

Hi EAP –

Well, I see two issues here.

First of all, you want to be “more” with a guy who just wants to be your friend.  But he’s actually doing you a favor by saying what he feels.  So often, in the desire to not hurt anyone’s feelings, humans will say vague things that keep others still hoping.  So you end up like when I was in the dog pound, and people would walk by and look in the cage and pet me and say “oh what a cute puppy, aren’t you sweet,” and then walk away and buy a pit bull.  Now they weren’t purposely being mean – they knew they wanted a pit bull, and they were just being nice to me.  But every time they did that, my hopes would get way up, and it would break my heart as they’d walk away.

So it’s actually good news that he’s not doing that.  The question for you is whether you want to accept his feelings as they are, and move on, or to try to change them.  If you want to do the latter, there are of course a million tricks – be nice to him, ignore him, show that you have the same interests he does, show that you’re good at things he’s not and try to help him, hide your feelings from him, completely open up about them to him, jump on him and cover him with kisses (that’s my usual method), or just punch him and call him a jerk and see how he responds (a lot of girls try that one; I think it’s kind of ridiculous though).  How any of these methods works depends on him.  And since I don’t know him, I can’t really tell you.

But then there’s that second issue.  That you’re having your friend ask him out for you.  That might make things easy for you, but I wonder if it’s making your situation worse.  You see, the statement it’s making to the guy is that you’re too shy or nervous or cool to approach him yourself.  Well then most likely he’s not being very drawn to you, because you’re too shy, nervous, or cool!

What do you want him to like about you?  You might be very pretty, but even then, that’s all he knows.  Wouldn’t he like you better if you were more “there” for him, daring to ask him yourself?  Then he could get to know your qualities better – your interests, your sense of humor, your likes and dislikes, and the way you treat him – and it’s really those things that he might fall in love with!

Your situation reminds me of a great French play called “Cyrano de Bergerac,” about a man who helps a friend say all the best things to the woman he wants; the problem is that, as he does so, he falls in love with her himself!  Now we don’t want that to happen to your friend, do we?!  So I’d really suggest that, no matter what else happens, you take her out of the equation, and start dealing with this guy yourself.  And if so, who knows, maybe you might even find you don’t like this guy as much as you thought you did!

But whether you do or not, what will really matter is that you’ll get better at talking to guys you like.  And that skill will help you for the rest of your life!

So try it out, and maybe try reading or seeing a movie of “Cyrano.”  (Or there’s a fun modern version of the story called “Roxanne,” with Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah, that you might like too)

Good Luck!

Shirelle

0 Should you date before society says you’re ready?

negar.7 asks: Hello, I’m 14 and I’m from Iran. Here I can say that it’s not very good to have a boyfriend because when your parents found out that you do, they’ll probably get angry. And I’m a teenage girl who loves to talk with boys! So I would love to have boyfriend, but I think it’s too soon. Look, you know that we have a lot of restrictions, so what is the best choice? To have a boyfriend or not? Please help me. Thank you.

Hi Negar.7 –

It’s so interesting how this happens.  Many people write to me that they want a boyfriend or girlfriend now, and that others say they can’t.   But I have only had two people write me that they want one but they feel they shouldn’t because they’re too young.  Both of them wrote me in the same week, both are teenage girls, and both are in Iran!  So I’m not sure what that means, and I don’t know what part of Iran either of you lives in, but if you ever bump into someone named Lady Ritzy, you two have quite a bit in common!

I’ll tell you the same thing I said to her: I can’t agree or disagree with you about when to first have a boyfriend.  I think it’s up to the people involved.  My bigger concern (as I say in a lot of posts here) is what the boyfriend and girlfriend do, especially if one of them feels they’re not ready for it.  But if people want to hold hands and kiss for the first time at age 11 or age 21, that’s their business!  So in other words, I totally support your decision to hold off on that till you feel ready.

You’re right, Negar.7, if the society around you doesn’t support you having a boyfriend yet, then you’re probably better off not pursuing a guy this soon.  While people your age in other countries might already be dating, there’s no reason why you have to now.  And after all, once you start, you’ll have the rest of your life ahead of you (After all, no one says “Hey you’re 65, you can’t go out with anyone anymore, even your husband or wife!”).

It sounds to me, though, like you might be a person who wants to start dating a bit before some others say you should.  Well, if so, then my main concern is that you know what you’re doing when you do.  If you have any questions – about dating, about sex, about what guys want and need, about whatever – please feel free to write me anytime.  I can’t pretend that I know everything, but I’ll tell you what I do know (and I can ask some smart people about things I don’t know enough about).  Also, I have a post I’m very proud of that you might want to read, on the AskShirelle website.  It’s titled How should I deal with it if my date wants to do more than I do?, and it’s an answer to a question from HarrietteS.  Check it out.  But again, if you have any other questions, I’m here for you!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 Should a girl wait to have her first boyfriend?

Lady Ritzy asks: Girls in this site generally talk about their boy friends. I wish I could have a BF too. I don’t know if you can understand me or not, but I think in this age it’s too soon to have BF, because I want to focus in my school and studying. Maybe it’s better to wait and see what will happen!!! Do you have a person from Iran or in your website people are just from US??? You know I’m really glad that I found this website and guess what I found it from wiki. Thanks, I feel so comfortable with you.

Hi Lady Ritzy –

Well I can’t agree or disagree with you about when to first have a boyfriend.  I think it’s up to the people involved.  My bigger concern (as I say in a lot of posts here) is what the boyfriend and girlfriend do, especially if one of them feels they’re not ready for it.  But if people want to hold hands and kiss for the first time at age 11 or age 21, that’s their business!  So in other words, I totally support your decision to hold off on that till you feel ready.  And yes, do that studying, and become successful enough that you can really devote yourself to that great romance that’s awaiting you in the future… sometime after Chemistry and Calculus have let you go!

To your other question, I don’t have a lot of “website people.”  I write all the material myself, while Handsome helps me with getting it onto the computer.  Then I have a wonderful website designer named Sherice, who you can find at www.ielectrify.com, and I can’t recommend highly enough.  Handsome and Sherice both live in the U.S., though so far apart that they’ve never met!  Then there is one other person who’s very involved.  And that is the wonderful, incredible artist who has made all the beautiful pictures you see on this site.  His name is Martin, and he lives in Argentina.  And that’s it!  I would love to have someone from Iran working with me too, just because I love Persian food and they might accidentally drop some onto the floor sometimes!  But for now, that’s our whole system.

Thanks for your so-sweet comments!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your best friend hates the person you’re dating

SmileyTeen11 asks: Dear Shirelle, I have a boyfriend and he’s really nice, but one of my friends hates him (she used to date him, and they broke up) and she wants me to dump him. I love her like a sister and don’t want to break our friendship, but I love him with all my heart and have never liked a boy like this! Also, he’s 14 years old and I’m only 12. Is it bad that I’m dating him? I feel such a spark whenever I’m around him! What do I do?):

Oh SmileyTeen11, what a mess this is!  It’s certainly a common one.  Lots of people refuse to ever date anyone who their friends have dated, just to avoid this issue.

But in a way, it comes down to a very simple fact.  You have a great friend.  But that means that she has a great friend too.  And just because you’re dating a guy she hates, that doesn’t mean she’s lost her friend.  You do want to keep her in your life.  So the real responsibility, it seems to me, is on her to deal with it.

You’re very young.  Most likely you’ll have lots of boyfriends, and lots of breakups, in the next 10-20 years.  So will she.  Now if a person insists that, every time they break up with someone, all their friends have to avoid that person, their life is going to get really Continue reading

0 What to do when your friends have romantic problems with each other

Cinderrella asks: I have a problem with some friends, a guy and girl. They both like each other very much, but the girl says she isn’t ready yet to date, so this guy is always coming to find out if she really likes him or not. Since I’m pretty close with both of them, the girl asks me not to tell him anything. I try doing that, but he just doesn’t back off. I don’t want to be mean to him, so what do I do?

Hi Cinderrella  –

I have lots of posts on here about dating issues, but I don’t think that’s the real problem here.  What’s really going on is that your two friends are putting you in the middle of a problem that has absolutely nothing to do with you!

It’s hard, because you’re a nice person who cares about both your friends.  But the truth is that both of them are putting pressure on you that’s really pretty unfair.  I think your job is to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries, without pushing either of them away.

One great way to do it is to be extremely clear.  To say something like “Because I love both of you, I’m going to step out from all of this.  You have to tell each other what you want to the other to know.  But I value you both and so won’t be a mediator between you anymore.”  And if that is enough to get them to stop trying to pull you in, then that’s great.

But what if they don’t?  What if you say that and they just keep making you part of their stuff?  In that case, I’d suggest you get a bit harsher.  Like to say to them “Look, I’m sorry but I just refuse to be part of this. You’re just going to have to work it out yourselves!”  And if that doesn’t work?  Probably you need to be simpler at it:  “No!  I am not part of this!”

The funny thing is that, while it feels like you’re being harsh and unfriendly to them, you’re actually being a better friend.  And you’re definitely doing a better job of holding on to your friendship (since couples often blame the third-party for anything that goes wrong!).

So be strong Cinderrella, and keep those friends.  In the long run, they’ll appreciate it!

Cheers,
Shirelle

0 Why do guys like sex?

lady Ritzy asks: Hi dear Shirelle. Why do guys like sex???

Hi Lady Ritzy –

What a funny question.  But I guess it’s really a profound one.  My problem is that you could be asking one or more of three questions, so I’m going to try to answer all of them as best as a doggy can.

First, if you’re asking in terms of biology, most all beings above a certain cellular level reproduce by mating, so there’s an urge in them all for the mating act.  In the higher mammals (including dogs and humans) there is a mixture of sensitive parts of the body liking certain feelings and very powerful urges of attraction.  Although there are billions of exceptions, the majority of cases in these mammals involve the male being the most driven to the Continue reading

0 How can a teenager get what they want from their parents without being disrespectful

lynde asks: How do I get what I want from my parents without being disrespectful?

Hi Lynde –

This is a great question, one which teens have been struggling with for centuries.  And that’s because the teen years are, by definition, a time when humans begin to develop in ways that go against their parents.  By that, do I mean that they have to rebel against their parents’ authority and values?  Well, lots of the time, yes!

Think of it as the opposite of weaning.  You’ll see puppies or kittens whose mothers are very happy to let them nurse on them.  But eventually the little folks get bigger (and start to get sharp teeth!), and the mother has to tell them “No, you can’t eat here anymore!”  Usually that involves pushing her young away, or even nipping at them.  They have to learn to eat in other ways.

Well, there comes a point when a human is a teenager when they sort of have to wean their Continue reading

0 How does one start conversations with people or dogs?

Vaibhav asks: I can’t talk much with people, especially girls. I can talk with my friends and their parents easily, but with other people it’s hard for me. I’m scared of street dogs also. So can you talk me out of it?

Hi Vaibhav –

Regarding speaking to girls, of course it’s always harder to be “at ease” when you’re with someone where there’s more at stake.  You’re fine with your friends and their parents because you’re comfortable in the knowledge that they’ll accept you as you are, to the complete degree that you want.  But if that’s not the case, and you want and need especially to be accepted by them, and in particular ways, absolutely you’ll be stymied.  I’m great at greeting strangers in a park, but if one of them is holding a hot Italian Sub sandwich, I’m going to be a lot more nervous around them, and worry about how I’m appearing to them, so they’ll like me and want to give me… well… all of it.  And yes, Vaibhav, to a large portion of the population, girls are a hot Italian Sub sandwich!!!

My main trick for talking with people you don’t know and you want to accept you is to ask them about Continue reading

0 How to get over fears about trust

Fruitloop asks: I am16 years old, and have MAJOR trust issues I would like to get over. I don’t know why I have these issues – I have a good family life and my parents are nothing but kind to me. I have had a lot of friend issues though, and I think that is my problem. I feel as though as soon as I get close to someone I get scared because of my past, because if they find out I’m afraid that they will avoid me :/. Help me please!

Hi Fruitloop –

Trust is one of the toughest issues anyone ever has to deal with.  Sure, it’s understandable when someone’s suffered horrible abuse, but it’s still a problem when someone has, like you, had a relatively good experience in this life!

Where do your trust issues come from?  Maybe you’re just a person with a nervous temperament, and so you’ve always been a worrier and will always be one.  Or maybe your parents are untrusting, and so, while they’ve always been good to you, you’ve learned from them to be concerned about others.  Or of course, maybe you have had some experiences that have left you less trusting of your Continue reading

0 How to start conversations with a crush

lady Ritzy asks: Hi – This is a really great site!  I’m 14 and live in Iran (though I’ll be leaving the country soon).  I really love my cousin, like a lover, but my pride never lets me tell him so.  My mind and my heart always tell me that he loves me too, but I can`t tell him my real feelings.  He is quiet and understanding, and has told me several times “you are so pretty,” but my stupid pride won`t let me talk to him.  He’s about four years older than me – what would be a good subject to start conversations with?

Hi lady Ritzy –

This is such an interesting question!  You see, in the US, where I live, it’s considered very bad for cousins to get involved romantically.  In fact, it’s usually illegal!  Whereas I understand that in Iran, romance and even marriage between cousins is very normal and traditional.  So I have to get out of my mindset, and relate to your question on your terms (This is a great skill for all of us to work on!!).

So you’re dealing with two major problems that I can see.  First, you’re loving a guy whose feelings you’re not sure about, and second, he’s four years older than you.  There are lots of postings on my site about the first problem.  But basically they all come down to the fact that, if you want to find out what he feels, you’ve got to do something to show something of your feelings, and see his Continue reading