Category Archives for "Parenting"

0 How to get children to improvise in their lives

Shirelle asks: According to you what should today’s children do to improvise their lifestyle

Hi Shirelle –

Thousands of people have joined my pack, but you’re the first to ever have the same name as me!  That’s soooo cool!

You ask a very interesting question.  I’m not sure if you actually meant to ask what children should do to improve  their lifestyle, but I like what you said better!

Improvisation is something done in all sorts of the arts, where one doesn’t just do a specifically-written piece, but instead works in in-the-moment creativity to create something new.  Jazz is music formed very often in improvisation (though we also hear it a lot in instrumental solos in rock and pop, or even moments in operas where a singer is allowed to make up a little trill).  And we hear a lot about Improv in comedy, where the performers make up a humorous scene as they go along.

In both cases, while the artist is being fully creative, they’re also following certain rules.  In music, the improviser has to stay connected to the song the rest of the musicians are playing, and in comedy, the performers have to stick to whatever logic their scene has going (so for example, if the scene’s taking place in a library, one of them can’t suddenly decide they’re swimming in the ocean).  The core of this is called “Yes-And.”  You have to agree with whatever has come before, and then add what you can to it.

So while your question might have involved you using a different word than you intended, I think you asked something just great!  How can children learn to play by the rules, just enough, but also feel free to add their own voices and meanings to the world they’re in.

Well, to that I have a few thoughts.

First, kids need to Continue reading

0 How to help special-needs children in mainstream classes

Megan asks: Hi my son has ADHD and he was in a special class last year and his teacher decided that we give his a chance In a mainstream class. My son was so excited that he was going to a normal class, but now I think that it wasn’t a good idea, because the work is getting too much for him to handle. I spoke to him and explained to him that it’s fine, that he should just come to me and tell me that he can’t cope, and then we can make a plan. I think he is afraid to disappoint himself and of what other kids would say. I try to encourage him. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. What do I do?

Hi Megan –

I can’t know enough to say whether this particular school is right for your son. But you do bring up an issue that I think is awfully important, which is what seems to be his embarrassment or shame about having ADHD.

Of course it’s very normal for all kids to want to fit in with their classmates. And I have no doubt it’s tough for him to be in this in-between status, too “normal” for the special class, and too “different” for the mainstream one.  It’s like when I first went to the dog park – I was too new to know how to play with the adult dogs, and too big to play with the puppies – a really frustrating day!

Now eventually I learned to do just great at the park, so that thought makes me think that maybe you should Continue reading

0 What to do when one of you wants to marry sooner than the other.

Free pack asks: Hi I am in love with this guy who is 23 and I am 25. He has commitment issues . When I told him that I wanna marry him by within two years, he said no he cannot, he has ambitions and wants to settle down first, but he cannot let me go. He also said three years, but still he is scared of the marriage thing. His parents like me and they don’t want him to let me go . But he surrounds himself with stupid things. Now there is a lot of negativity between us, and I am insecure about what would happen if he walks out of my life. We really love each other, but we both are scared of our age difference. We’ve dated for a year.

Hi Free pack –

So you know how people talk about “human years” and “dog years?”  They say we dogs age seven years every time you age one?  Well, if you ask a veterinarian, they’ll tell you that’s not exactly right.  Actually dogs mature much faster than humans in our first years, and then it slows down quite a bit.  So a one year old dog is maybe like a twelve-year-old human.  But still, a twelve-year-old dog is like an eighty-year-old human.

I’m saying this to point out how “relative” the difference of a year or two can be.  If you’re talking about a four-year-old human and a six-year-old, that’s a big difference.  Especially if the younger one’s a boy and the older is a girl, since girl children mature more quickly than boys.

But the difference between a 20-year-old and a 22-year-old?  Not quite as much.  And a 30-year-old and a 32-year-old?  Even less.

And an 80-year-old and an 82-year-old?  Who can tell!

The fact is, the age difference between you and your boyfriend is pretty much meaningless.  Today, you might still be a bit more mature than he is, but if you stay together a while, you two will just become The Couple You Are; the important years will be your years together, not the couple of years you lived before he did.

What’s much more important to me is the fact that you want to marry now and he doesn’t yet.  That’s a real difference!

It’s not that one of you is right and the other is wrong, but that you are on different schedules.

But I will ask you, why is it so important to get married in two years?  If you were older and wanted children right away, that would make sense to me.  But as it is, if he tells you he wants to stay with you, what’s wrong with waiting that extra year?  (You may have a very good answer to that question; I’m just asking it).

I think the big job is for you and he to talk very openly about what you want.  Is he as committed to this relationship as you want him to be?  Is he sure what he wants?  And what is it that you want from a future marriage, and when?

I think if you two talk those things out, you’ll get a much better sense of what’s right (or not) in the relationship, and be able to figure out what needs your work.

And here’s the funny part – if you have that conversation, it’ll actually make you both more mature adults.  Which will make your age difference matter even less!!

Best of luck!

Shirelle

0 Is it best to travel with friends, or stay in school?

Cubcub asks: I had planned to go to another country with my best friend. Then I thought she would take her college studies here, so I processed my papers also to be a working scholar on a university because I thought we won’t be going. But things changed, my bff is going to go abroad. The problem is I am confused which should I choose – my scholarship here (which is very tiring and I am staying at my aunt and uncle’s house which is strict) or to resign here and grab the chance to go to another country, have a job, and earn income, which would really help my family?

Hi Cubcub –

We dogs aren’t all that smart, really.  And unless there’s a really clear difference between two choices (live in a dungeon being tortured or move to a pastoral home all-expenses-paid), it’s hard for me to choose for someone else.

But we pups are VERY good at reading people’s feelings.  And I don’t even think I’d have to be all that good at it to see – you want to go.  You want to be with your friend, you want to get a job and earn money, and you’d like to get out of the strict household.

But going would mean giving up on that scholarship.

Or would it?

Have you checked with the university to see if you could hold off for a year or two, and then still get the scholarship?  My guess is that they very well might say yes.  Then if they do, I think you could make the wonderful choice to go with your friend, make money, have a freer life, and then come back and do the scholarship.

There’s another argument for that as well – although humans tend to want to get education at the earliest age possible, I find that students who’ve lived some time in the ‘real world’ actually do better at universities than those who just push through.  They have a better sense of why they’re doing the work they are, and learning what they are, and often crave knowledge so much they study more than just what’s taught in the class.

So I’d say to check with the school and find out.  And maybe also find out if, if you come back for that scholarship, you’d be able to get discounted student housing, so you wouldn’t have to live in that strict home anymore, and could instead enjoy visiting your aunt and uncle when it’s convenient for all of you.

Hoping this works!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with an overprotective family, after you leave home

Pennelope0214 asks: My family have been very strict, orthodox, protective people, like cross the limit kind. I wanted to leave my home because of that over-protectiveness, which I did last year by moving to college in another city far away. I have an elder brother; we didn’t used to talk but before moving he explained to me that he never liked my lifestyle due to which he was always irritated (my “lifestyle” meaning I use a little makeup). My mother is a very rude person, she’d call me dirty names when I did something bad. Even though I know they both love me. My brother didn’t know about that incident I told you about, where the man tried to cut my throat. I told him a few days back after the function in our college where another guy (who was my date, I didn’t know him but his friends and my seniors said he is nice) kind of harassed me which I told my brother. After all this he asked me to stay away from every guy and if he finds out something relating to any guy and me, he will do something bad. Yesterday we had another function, prom night. My mother kept in calling me saying she needs to talk to the college authorities, is it a university to study or just parties? When I came back I called my brother, and he said which guy did you go with? I said no one. He reprimanded me saying I am lying and he knows me, there must have been a guy. I cut the call. I am tired of living my life. I thought maybe when I’d move out things will change but no, that isn’t happening. This summer break I have to go to my brother’s for my internship and I am tense since I have to be there for one and a half month. He’d talk about that throat incident, boys and put on restrictions on me all the way over again. I don’t want to face him. I made a mistake telling him about the incident. I don’t want to go there or anywhere. I thought he’d understand what I’ve been through and would support me.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

I agree fully with you – the way your mother and brother are acting shows they love you, and it’s not at all coming in the way you need right now.

There may come a day in the future when you move away and get even more space from them, and that can be fine, just for you to get to live your life and be yourself.  I’m not a fan of completely cutting one’s family off – what I see is that people who do that tend to just ‘recreate’ their family with other people, and go through the same stuff they would have with their parents and siblings anyway.

But for now, you’re kind of stuck with them.  Like me in the cage at the pound, I could love or like or dislike or hate all the other puppies in there, but the one thing I couldn’t do was unlatch the gate and walk out!

So instead you have another job, which is to Continue reading

0 How to date someone with attachment issues.

Navyplum asks: I am facing a relationship crisis, as I found out that my boyfriend suffers from avoidant attachment disorder and now I don’t know what to do about it.

Hi Navyplum –

I’m not sure if I know exactly what you’re asking about. There’s a mental problem called Avoidant Personality Disorder, but honestly I have trouble thinking he could have that, simply because he’s your boyfriend, and someone with a full case of that probably can’t be in a romantic relationship.

But if you’re saying he just has attachment issues, that’s different.

Attachment is something we dogs are usually excellent at. It means one’s ability to connect to someone else, and how deeply they do so. It’s not a good-or-bad thing, different beings are just different.

Think of very young children, and how they’ll go through a phase where they’re all smiley and flirty with all adults, and then suddenly enter a time where they hide behind their mother’s legs whenever they meet someone new, and then they’ll suddenly greet everyone by sticking their tongue out at them. This is all healthy and normal.

It’s then equally normal to go through much longer phases in later years. A friendly teenager might go through a year or two where they’re distant and sullen, for example. And it’s so normal for their parents to freak out at this, as though they didn’t go through the same experience themselves (as did Hamlet, Siddhartha, and every James Dean character)!

But eventually, it’s true, people show their real, lifelong personalities. And some of them are really gregarious and friendly to everyone (think of politicians), and some attach super-strongly to one or a very few people, and some are mean and distrustful, and some are just shy.

As you can probably guess, I’m usually a mixture of the first two. I’m deeply attached to some friends, most particularly my human friend Handsome who I can’t imagine living without. But I’m also very friendly (some say too much so) to just about everyone I meet. Although whenever uniformed people walk into our yard, such as the fellows who check the water and electrical meters, oh I am a fierce beast!

But getting back to your question, “Avoidant” attachment means someone who really has trouble attaching at all. They tend to like keeping to themselves, they’re not very social, and have an awful time with intimacy. It’s not the life I’d wish on anyone.

And yet you say he’s your boyfriend. So he’s definitely able to connect with you.

I have a question for you, Navyplum. Has your boyfriend ever been tested to see if he’s on the Autism spectrum? That could explain his avoidance, while also explaining his ability to connect with you. For example, some of the most famous and successful people in the world today (Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, the late Steve Jobs, one of my very favorite musical composers Burt Bacharach) are known to have mild Autism (sometimes called Asperger’s).

I’d see if he’s willing to be checked out for that. If that is the case, modern society has many ways to help him (and you) out with it. But if he’s not at all Autistic, and it truly is an Attachment Disorder, I can only recommend that you both, together, seek out a psychotherapist or psychologist who specializes in this, to help you work through this difficulty.

Either way, you have been, and can continue to be, a glorious help to him, which makes me just say you’re a fantastic human being.

WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO JUMP ON YOU AND LICK YOU AND FEEL ALL ATTACHED TO YOU!

But oh well, I’ll just feel attached from here instead. And go jump on Handsome when he comes in next!

Thanks Again, and BEST OF LUCK!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you crave to do something new

Anonymous asks: Recently I have been wanting to do something new. So I was thinking about getting a new piercing but I’m not allowed as I am still quite young. So what else can I do to do something new? Got any suggestions? Thanks Anonymous

Hi Anonymous –

I LOVE THIS QUESTION!

It’s not that easy to answer, but I love it!  Because it’s so the opposite of what I’m usually hearing from humans (of all ages) – “Oh my life is dreary, there’s nothing to do about it, I’ll just watch more TV because there’s no way there’s anything else to do.”

I hate getting shots, so the idea of a piercing just sounds awful to me.  But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong to want one – it’s just something I’d never choose (if I’m going to take a chance on my skin getting pierced, I’d rather do it by chasing that stinky cat from down the street and seeing who wins when we connect!).

So here’s the simple truth – I don’t know you well enough to answer your question.  Because the real answer to “what can I do to do something new” is  Continue reading

0 How to deal with your fiancé having an ex

HELP asks: My fiance is divorced with two kids, and we are so much in love with each other. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. But how can I be sure his ex-wife is going to be completely out of the picture? He is 32 years and I am 22 years. Though he has proven to me beyond doubt the love he has for me, I am a bit scared his ex-wife might still be in the picture. He is ready to see my family and marry me. Is this going to work out?

Hi HELP –

You really ask two questions.  And the second one I can’t possibly answer – I’m only a friendly dog, not a psychic or fortune teller, so I can’t tell you whether this will work out in the long run (any more than I can to anyone else).  Though it sounds pretty good!

But I can answer your concerns about his ex-wife.  Here goes:

Yes.

Unless this man is a lousy father who’s planning on ignoring his children for the rest of their lives, you are not just looking at marrying one person.  You would marry him, his kids, and her.  As she’s their mother, she’ll be involved in every part of their lives, and because of that, she’ll be involved in his life at least until the kids become adults.  He will have to co-parent with her, work out logistics with her, and very possibly pay money to her, for that whole time.

And you would almost certainly have your own relationship to her as well.  On one hand, there’ll just be the simple stuff where, say, you were supposed to pick the kids up from school and you get a flat tire, so you phone her and ask if she can get them.  On the other, maybe you two could become friendly enough that you can someday ask her advice on how to deal with him when he’s being difficult!

(Or, maybe she’ll always see you as a threat, and say nasty things about you, and try to turn the kids against you, and even try to win her ex-husband back from you!)

Now someone with a sense of humor might want to write in here that Continue reading

0 How to set your diet while recovering from anorexia

Tv_Book_junkie asks: I am “recovering” from my anorexia. But is it okay to not eat for two days and eat all those calories on the third day? Like saving them up so I won’t feel guilty?

Hi Tv_Book_junkie –

I have a very simple answer for you – though it’s going to look like no answer at all.

My answer is that Anorexia is a huge and dangerous illness, and you should be talking to a doctor about how you recover from it, and not taking advice on it from anyone else – not friends, not websites, and not friendly dogs.  Even a super-smart one like me!

But I’m going to guess that the doctor will say no.  In fact, a doctor is likely to say that going two days without eating isn’t recovery from Anorexia – it’s completely living in it!

But again, I am here for you in any way I can be, and will be glad to help you with any issues you have, especially while you recover.  But just as you wouldn’t have me try to make my own rabies vaccine, or fix my own broken toe, I don’t want you trying to ‘doctor’ yourself at this very fragile time.  Talk to an expert and use their help to get through this, so that you can live – and eat – happily and free of ANY guilt!

Best of Luck my friend!

Shirelle

0 How to help your boyfriend or girlfriend friend through depression.

Ashmita asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 9 months. It all started smoothly. But two months before, my boyfriend started having some problem. He used to get angry, even for some petty matter, and he suffered from sadness. At that time he told me that he was losing all his feelings for me, which I partly believed because he was going through a problem. I held on to him and firmly believed that everything will be okay. He soon visited the doctor and took medicines and reassured me that he stills loves me. Two days ago he again told me that thoughts like that still come to his head, but he keeps patient and waits for everything to become okay. His words show that he still loves and cares for me, which he tells me and I really don’t want to lose him. I suggested him to wait till he becomes okay and not make any decision in haste. Please can you suggest what else can I do? It keeps me worried.

Hi Ashmita –

It sounds like your guy suffers from Clinical Depression.  This fits with his ongoing sadness, his losing his feelings for you, the doctor’s medications for him… and with his belief that he’ll be able to love you as he did once he feels better.

True Depression is a really difficult problem for a lot of people.  It looks a lot like grief or sadness, the sort one feels after an awful loss.  But unlike those feelings, Depression isn’t necessarily about anything, so it can linger for a long time, even a lifetime.

Scientists have found lots of amazing facts about it in recent years, and have developed many medical treatments for it.  But – and here’s the tough part, for him and for you – no one medication works for everyone.  Because different brains are different, a prescription that works perfectly for one person will do nothing for another, and cause only nasty side effects in yet another.  The only way for doctors to find the right medicine for your boyfriend is what they call ‘trial and error’ – to try one out, see if it works, and if not, try another.  In the end, it might be a mixture of a few, at very particular proportions, that gets him where he needs to be, in order to fully be his happy, loving self.

So what can you do, during this?  Well, first of all, you can Continue reading