Category Archives for "Life Skills"

How to manage anger.

Simba asks: I don’t know how to stop when I get angry. I have this outburst of rage when people don’t do what I tell them to do. I sometimes become violent, and physically hurt that person. My father is always in command and rigid. He was a soldier before. My mother is also dominant and will easily get angry. She wants us to follow her instructions all the time. I think I got their temper combined! SOS!

Thanks for writing such an open letter, Simba.

 

Everyone gets angry sometimes – dogs, people, even insects.  So there’s nothing wrong with anger, but you say it just right when you say that your problem is that you don’t know how to stop when you get angry.  Especially if you become violent.  Now there are experts in this field, and I’m not one.  And I can give you some suggestions – but if you need more, try looking up “Anger Management” and seeing if there are any of these people near you.  They can really help a lot.

 

But in the meantime, here are some thoughts:

 

1)    You’re absolutely right to mention your parents.  Now you may have inherited some excitability from them, but the bigger issue is that they were your role models when you were growing up.  As a baby, toddler, and small child, you saw difficult issues get resolved through anger!  And now you’re realizing that that’s often not the best way.  But you have to work extra-hard to change yourself, because this was what you were taught early.

2)    The first thing you need to do is to learn the Progression of your anger.  What gets you annoyed, what builds that anger, and what is the point when you can’t turn back.  For example, I’ll be lying on my bed, sleeping happily, when a squirrel runs over the roof.  That really bugs me, so I sit up and give a “Woof.”  But unless I’m feeling like exercising, I’ll probably stay there.  But then another squirrel chases that first squirrel – and the hair goes up along my back.   And then they start fighting, with their irritating barking at each other… and that’s it, I can’t take it anymore, I’m Furious, and I shoot off the bed, through the kitchen, out my doggy door, and am barking like crazy and jumping to try to catch them even though they’re thirty feet over my head!

Now I don’t really mind that anger, because those nasty little rodents deserve it!  But if I wanted to manage that anger, I’d want to look at that Progression.  And to ask one particular question: when is the last moment that I have control over my feelings?  I would guess it’s when the second squirrel has just run over the roof.  So if I wanted to control my anger, I’d have to learn to do something (walk away, meditate, whatever) right when my anger hits that place… or before… but no later!

 

3)    Then we want to look at what it is that causes your anger.  With me it’s that I hate those squirrels being so sassy in my yard!  For you, maybe it’s that you feel disrespected, or insulted.  Or perhaps it’s that you feel threatened.  The experts say that Anger is a “Secondary Emotion.”  That means that we get angry because we feel something else.  I’d argue that it’s almost always Fear.  We get angry because we Fear we’ll be attacked, or we Fear humiliation, or we Fear being ignored… or we Fear that those squirrels are going to take over our whole yard!

4)    And then once you can see what it is that we fear, maybe you can figure out what you can do about it other than getting angry.  Like, if you have a friend who’s treating you badly, instead of getting angry at him, realize that you fear having an abusive friend in your life, and just calmly cut off your friendship.

5)    But it’s also good to have a way to get that anger out!  Let’s say you nobly walk away from a jerk who’s taunting you to a fight, or you calmly ignore it when you see your ex-girlfriend making out with someone at a party.  It’s very important that you realize that, although you’re being really great, all that frustrated anger is still inside you!  So what do you do with it?  I know a great therapist who has a log in his office, with a hammer and nails, and gets his clients to bang as many nails into it as they need to, just to release that frustration.  Punching bags are fine, and playing any active sports is of course great (WHACK that golf ball, SMASH that tennis ball, or of course boxing is just the purest!).  For me, it’s always been tug-of-war, trying to rip Handsome’s arm out of its socket by putting every bit of anger I have into pulling that rope!  But whatever works for you is great.  As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone (including yourself – chopping firewood is great, but if you do it when you’re really full of rage, you could do enormous damage to your leg!!)

6)    And I’ll finish where I started, Simba.  This might be a good issue to talk about with a professional.  Even if you do a great job at dealing with your behavior, the fact that you were raised by two people with tough tempers can have a big effect on the rest of your life.  So I’m a big fan of loving them as they are, but doing the work you need to make yourself the best you can be too.  And a good therapist is just great for this stuff.  Especially because they’re not going to tell you you should never get angry!  After all, I’m going to take a wild guess, and suggest that you chose that particular pack name for yourself because of a particular movie, where a frightened little lion cub grows up and is able to act on a lot of anger, and save his whole community!  Once you learn to control it, Anger can be a very good thing.

 

Thanks again for a great question.  And good luck with all this – you’re on a great journey!

 

Hakuna Matata!

Shirelle

 

 

1 What will the afterlife be?

dukethelizard asks: Hi I’m a 16-year-old guy and I’ve been getting depressed lately. I keep thinking about dying all old, and wondering if there’s an afterlife or not. I thought it was just hormones at first, but this has been going on longer than I thought it would. Almost a month now. It’s really starting to get to me. The thought that everything that starts has to end keeps running through my mind and well it stinks!!! I feel awful most of the day. I was wondering if maybe I should become active at some church or become Buddhist or something. I know you’re busy, but please help asap. I’m not suicidal or anything, but its really affecting me. I couldn’t sleep last night, and I had a test today that either made or broke my grade in algebra 2. Help please!

Thanks for your beautiful question.

 

I have to be honest with you here.  Dogs are very connected to the Earth.  We certainly have a spiritual nature, but it’s all about here, not the Beyond.  So I can’t argue about whether any religion is better than another, or whether there’s an afterlife, or anything like that.  I truly have no idea.  There’s certainly a magic I see in everything, from a baby’s cry to a flower to a parade of ants to a mountain to rainclouds, and if someone wants to call that magic Continue reading

How to know if a friend is avoiding you, or is not okay.

Malavika asks: I have a friend. Yesterday I called her after school to see if I could go to her house. She said she wasn’t feeling well. But later that day, she said she needed to borrow a labcoat for school and she came over and she was fine. Again today I called her to see if we could hang out but she said she wasn’t feeling well. I asked one of her school friends, and she said that she was fine in school. She was speaking and talking fine in school. I’m a little scared. I don’t know if she is ignoring me, or hiding something or is she really not well? Please, I need advice!

What a mystery, Malavika!  I have no more idea than you do about what’s up, but I can offer one bit of advice:  Find Out!

 

And here’s the big issue here – every possible answer you have has an emotional side to it.  If she’s ignoring you, that hurts!  If she’s hiding something, that might make you mad!  And if she’s really not well, that’s really sad!

 

So your job is to Continue reading

How do I improve an 8-year-old’s study skills?

Baqir asks: I have an 8-year-old boy of grade 4 in a Pakistani English medium public school, who is not taking interest in studies and resists teaching from mother. Do you have any suggestions?

Hi Baquir –

 

The first thing I want you to do is to take a very deep breath.  And then, every time you begin to worry about your son’s academics, I want you to take another.

 

Your son is eight years old.  This is a great time to learn – his brain is as powerful and receptive as it will ever be.  But he’s also growing.  What he learns now about subjects in school is extremely important, but what he learns about life is even more so.  And where they overlap is one huge thing:  Love Of Continue reading

1 How can a girl stop thinking about boys enough to study?

Charis asks: I seriously hate studying, and want to be in a relationship asap. The problem is, I’m 13! How do you focus on your studies and stop thinking about guys all the time?

Hi Charis!

 

Ummm… you can’t.

 

If you’re obsessed with something, there is no way in the world for you to stop thinking about it.  I’ll bet if someone hit you on the head with a hammer and knocked you out, you’d spend the next two days unconscious, dreaming about boys.  That’s just where you are today, and that’s okay.

 

But you do bring up two other issues.  First, how do you focus on your studies.  Well, when I was in Obedience Training, the way the teacher had Handsome keep me focused was to keep a bag of Continue reading

How to deal with a child who always wants to go outside.

NBN asks: How do I cope with my 6year old cousin, who cannot stay in the home for even a minute, always out all the time.

Hmm…  Well, Handsome makes sure we live in a house with a fenced-in yard, so I can go outside a lot, but I think he’s mainly concerned about me running away, while you’re more bothered about this kid just wanting to be outside all the time.

 

My biggest question is Why.  Why does he want to be outside all the time, and why does it annoy you?  You see, I love Continue reading

How to set up boundaries with harmful people.

Helen asks: Your Pawprint article about your friend Rob really hit close to home. My mother also suffers from Depression. She does take her medicine, but it doesn’t seem to make her any happier or more peaceful. She is always aggravated and says some very hurtful things, so I haven’t talked to her in a very long time (It will be a year in November). It makes me sad that she missed out on some very important times in my life, like my first play, but when she IS in my life she makes me sad and stressed. Sometimes I worry that she will do the same thing as Rob because I won’t be around to help her. When can I say, “I gave it my all,” and not feel in my heart that she will ever make more of an effort to not hurt me? And is it selfish to make such a decision? Is it like giving up on her? I’m sorry about your loss of a good friend.

Hi Helen –

 

This is a terribly difficult situation.  The only way I can deal with it is to divide it into two parts.  The first is to discuss how we deal with people we care about who hurt us.

 

It happens to everyone.  Maybe your best friend betrays you, maybe your boyfriend, girlfriend, or even husband or wife cheats on you, maybe you find out someone’s been saying awful things about you behind your back.  Or maybe it’s all out in the open and a close friend yells horrible things at you or sends you hateful Continue reading

1 What is a crush.

alleah123 asks: what is the meaning of crush? And what’s the difference between love & crushes???

Oh alleah123, I love crushes!

 

You see, crushes are great, and innocent, and fun.  You can have a crush today, or when you’re ninety years old.  Even married people can have crushes, and it’s okay.

 

So what exactly is a crush?  A crush is something that feels like falling in love, but it’s clearly based on nothing real.  Handsome had his first crush when he was ten years old, and he never had a single Continue reading

How to know you’re in love

Courtney asks: How do you know when you’re in love?

Hi Courtney –

 

It’s so funny, people ask this all the time.  I think it’s like asking how you know you have a toothache – it’s because your tooth hurts!  You know you’re in love because you feel all giddy about that person, you adore them, you care tons about them, you’re often kind of obsessed with them, and all those cheesy Continue reading

Study Tips for Teenagers

CaNdAcE asks: Do you have any school tips for teenagers?

Hi CaNdAcE –

School?  Me?!  I only had one school experience, which involved working very hard to stay focused on sitting and heeling when I was much more interested in the smells of the other eight dogs in the room.  The main tip I remember from that school was to keep reminding myself that Handsome had a bag of treats in his pocket, and so was way more worthy of my attention than those pooches.

But is there anything I can offer to teenagers?  People who’ve already been in school five years or more?  Not much – except that maybe teens can have Continue reading

1 89 90 91 92 93 99