Category Archives for "Life Skills"

2 A Sense of Belonging

…the only hope

This is hard for me to put into words.  But I have to.

            I want you to imagine I get off my leash and chase a cat, and catch it and kill it.  Handsome is furious with me.  He feels horrible for the poor kitty, and devastated that he will have to tell the cat’s human friends about it.  And even more, he feels guilty – for not holding me back, and for not training me better.

            Okay, that’s awful, and of course happens with us dogs, cats, and people all the time.  (Don’t get me wrong, I love chasing cats, but it’s just fine with me that Handsome holds me back from doing anything so heartbreaking).

            But I want you to imagine something worse.  Imagine I do this twice.  And when it’s a calico cat that I catch and kill, Handsome is angry and sad and really lets me know it.  But when it’s a Siamese, he kind of shrugs it off.  “Oh well.  You shouldn’t have done that, Shirelle, but it’s only a Siamese, so I’m not going to punish you or anything.”

            THAT is what’s been happening in my country for centuries, to humans – based not on a breed but on skin color, ethnicity, sex and other qualities.  And it breaks my heart.

            I’m sure you have heard about George Floyd and Breonna Taylor, two innocent people who were killed by police officers in the last few weeks here.  Now I’m a big fan of the police, and want them empowered to keep themselves and all of us safe.  But sometimes they can make mistakes, or sometimes a bad one can do something really awful.  Just like everyone else.

            What makes me sad, and furious, and nauseous, is that our society has continued to say that if they do it to someone with white skin that’s a big problem, but if it’s someone of brown or black skin, it’s no big deal!

            Every culture has its faults and its prejudices, just as every person and dog does, but the trick is to try to see them and work through them.  This situation, from names you might know from songs like Medgar Evars and Emmett Till, or maybe even from your history classes like Rodney King, all the way up to today, is actually a mass mental illness.  One that has damaged the human race since it began.

            We animals of smaller brains develop all kinds of prejudices, of course.  I was attacked by a black furry dog twice my size when I was a puppy, so large black furry dogs terrify me.  You almost certainly have similar knee-jerk reactions yourself.

But you humans have bigger brains that can take those judgments and turn them into beliefs and rules.  And that’s where the problem lies.

I would never say one should kill large black dogs, or that they deserve to be treated different to me; I just find them scary, nothing more.  But human brains will come up with the stupidest, most insane concepts – this race should be enslaved, this ethnicity is immoral, this sex can’t lead, this sexual orientation isn’t natural, it just goes on and on!

            And it’s SO DAMNED STUPID!!!  (yes I know, you’ve never heard me use that word before)

            Here’s the fact – you have the individual right to care more about certain people than others, or certain dogs or cats than others, of course.  But in the big picture, no human or dog or cat or lizard is truly worth any more than any other.  Or better than any other.  Poodles tend to be a very smart breed, but there are stupid ones.  I’ve met pit bulls who were sweeter than even me, though they’re bred for fighting.  And believe it or not, I’ve even met calm Chihuahuas (while yes, most are more hyper than a hummingbird on espresso!).

            Passing judgments about anyone’s worth based on their color or anything like that is pure idiocy.  Yes – when you guys do it, it makes you stupider than us pooches, even with your gigantic brains!

            But mass judgment is as natural to you guys as cat-chasing is to us, and nothing I say is going to change that part of your nature.

            What I can do is ask you to rise above it.  And I know only one way to do that: I want you to begin to realize that You Belong.  And We Belong.

            Philosophers and Theologians far more intelligent than I will tell you that our separateness from each other is only an illusion, and that the job of living is to learn that, so we can be together in the next world.  I can’t tell you whether they’re right or wrong about what’s coming.  But I do know this – every human belongs to every other one right now.

            Think about it.  Let’s say you were in a crowd, say watching a World Cup match (oh I hope you can have crowds like that again soon!).  And some crazy man sneaked a big gun into the stadium, and started shooting people randomly.  Your life would somewhat belong to him, right?  He’d have the power to determine whether or not you lived to see your loved ones again, or to see another sunrise.  Now imagine someone next to you saw that man pull that gun out, and grabbed you and shoved you down under the seats, so you weren’t hit by any bullets.  Then your life and fate would belong to that person, right?  At least somewhat?  Or maybe a brave soul jumped up and tackled the shooter and got his gun away from him?  Then every person in that stadium would have to acknowledge that their lives belonged to that hero/heroine in a way.

            Well I hope your life is a bit more mundane than that today.  But don’t you equally belong to every driver who hits, or doesn’t hit, your car?  And doesn’t every other driver on the street equally belong to you, because you hit or don’t hit them? 

            What about when one person is feeling depressed and unloved and unseen, and they  pass someone on the sidewalk who smiles and says good morning, and their dog licks that person’s hand and sniffs their great-smelling pants… and that miserable person’s view on the world suddenly changes.  Can you see how those two people, and that dog, all belong to each other at that moment?

            My friends, seven billion people belong to each other right now.  When one farmer grows a tomato, when one industrialist dumps poisons into clean water, or finds a way not to, and when one performer makes people laugh till they cry, YOU ARE ALL INTERWOVEN. 

            Sure you don’t see it most of the time, but that’s what I’m begging of you:  Realize it now.

            Because if you understand that every person belongs to every other, then when something goes wrong for someone, the idea that it doesn’t matter because of their race or sex or whatever, gets exposed for the insanity it is.

            I’m a very empathic dog.  Maybe not every other pup out there feels as much for people as I do.  But when a woman is lying in bed or a man is buying something at a shop, and the next moment they’re killed, that hurts me.  And when the powerful say that those deaths are no big deal, that hurts me more.  And when tens of thousands of people go out to protest against this, that makes me very happy (though I do get scared about them spreading this stupid virus if they’re not careful!).  And when some jerks use this as a chance to steal free goods or sneakily exacerbate violence, or some police use it as an excuse to shoot or beat innocent people, or a leader uses it as an excuse to order his people gassed and beaten and then lie about them and what they’re doing, I get furious. 

            Because I belong too.  Those people who were killed, the officers that killed them, the protesters, the looters, the shooters, and even the corrupt leaders, all are part of my world.  And yours.

            Of course, we’ve seen the clearest example of this possible in the past few months.  We all know that the one way you people worldwide can interact without spreading the coronavirus is to wear masks and stay distanced.  Yet we see folks all the time insisting they don’t need to cover their mouths because they have no symptoms and they are strong enough to survive the disease.  But of course they don’t know if they got infected ten minutes ago, and that they might right now pass it on to someone far more fragile.  So why do they refuse to wear masks?  Because they don’t believe that We Belong.  It’s so simple – if you love your grandmother, then don’t take a chance on giving the virus to someone next to you who might then give it to their grandmother.  BELONG!

            This year has been awful for the human race in countless ways.  But I hope and pray that it has at least taught us all something.  A virus that appears in one city can dominate the world.  We Belong.  Worldwide pollution can set a continent on fire and kill untold numbers of people and animals.  We Belong.  And a death that, years ago, would have been easily covered up, can galvanize marchers across the globe.  We Belong.

            I’m not telling you what your politics should be, or your religion, or who you need to like or fear.  I wouldn’t dare.

            But the hair on my back is standing up, and my fangs are snarling out, demanding that anyone who reads this gets the message:  Either humbly realize that We Belong, dear humans, or you’ll arrogantly destroy yourselves and all the rest of us.

            And when we’re all gone, no one’s going to care which of us was a calico cat and which was a Siamese. 

            Be kind and be strong, my friends.  The future can be so beautiful if we can just accept the simple fact: You are you and I am me, and we belong to each other.  End of story.  Forever.

            And for that, I love every one of you,

            Shirelle

0 How much should one express to someone they meet online (especially during a lockdown)?

PERFECTION asks:

I met this girl on Facebook and she seems nice and all.  It’s been a week and a couple of days since the first time we talked to each other and things are actually going so well. I already told her a LOT of things about me, she seems to be interested about my life, and she also told me a lot about herself too. It’s a give and take situation.  Umm, is it alright for things to be going this fast? I mean, we’ve been calling each other “baby” already and saying “I love you” whenever we’re gonna go or have something to do. I’m just kind of a bit worried if I am going too fast? Is this normal? I told her, “I really don’t know you but, I would very much like to know you more, this may be just an infatuation but it could also be something bigger.”  Was I on the right track saying that to her?  I’ve always wanted for her to know what I wanted and what my thoughts are.  What do you think I should do? Is everything just fine? 

Hi PERFECTION –

I really have two answers for you.  The first is a big shrug, and for one simple reason: I. Am. A. Dog.  I get all excited by people and pups the moment I meet them, and if they smell good and are nice to me I instantly feel exactly what you said to her!  I find you humans brilliant and all, but I have to admit I’ve never understood just why it takes you so long. 

For example, the day I met Handsome, I was a puppy in a cage in a pound with four other pups.  He and I locked eyes, he put his hand in the cage and I chewed on it, and right then I was 100% in favor of a lifetime commitment (especially if it involved getting me out of that cage!).  It took him some hours to decide, but luckily he made my choice.  But for me, it just took seconds.

The issue, for knuckleheads like you and me, is that our immediate excitement can put some humans off.  Handsome liked it, but other people run away from my friendliness and kisses.  You know, the “Dogs are all right, as long as they don’t try to lick me or anything” sort! 

So were you too forward with her?  Did you maybe scare her back a bit?  I don’t know.  Only she does, and only she can tell you what you did right or wrong.

But you certainly didn’t do anything gross or unkind.  You didn’t grab her or force anything onto her. 

So here’s the funny part – instead of looking at this as you doing something right or wrong, how about if you look at it as a test for her?  And if she loves your enthusiasm, that’s yet another reason to like her.  Or if she backs up just a bit, wondering if you’re this way with all the girls, then that’s okay – if just shows she’s smart and cautious, and hopefully she (like Handsome) will come around to you again soon.

But what if she hates what you said?  What if she’s actually repelled by it, “Who does he think he is?!  I barely know this guy and he’s pushing things way too far!”  Well, then that says something else about her.  In particular, I think it says that she might not be the right girl for an exciting, enthusiastic romantic like you!

So overall, my first answer is, No Problem at All, just keep your eyes open to see how she responds.

And my second answer?  My friend, this is SUCH A WEIRD TIME!!!  In normal days you two would have met by now, and shyly, nervously, begun the clumsily beautiful dance that is human dating.  But now, you two are locked up and probably can’t even meet for a while.  So I don’t know if there’s really a right and wrong about how you two communicate (with the exception of sending her something that would truly hurt or offend her, but you’re above that).

It makes me think of an amazing movie Handsome showed me once.  Or rather, the very beginning of it.  It’s World War II, and a British pilot radios down from his plane to give a report, which is taken by a young American woman.  He explains that his plane has been shot, is on fire, and is going to crash, and he has no parachute, so he knows he’s going to be killed in minutes.  The woman is horrified, and pleads for some way for him to be saved.  But there is none.  But as they talk, in this insane level of stress, he falls in love with her and her beautiful caring heart.  And he promises that, if there is life after death, he’ll come find her.  He bids her goodbye, and she suddenly hears no more on her radio.  (The movie is called “A Matter of Life and Death,” and Handsome always insists it’s the best opening of any movie he’s ever seen!  And the rest of it’s amazing too.  Check it out if you ever get the chance!)

This is coming into my mind because, like you and this girl, there’s nothing that pilot and radio operator can say that’s wrong.  He can confess his love, and she can fall for him, and who could fault either of them? 

Now this lockdown will end someday, and you and she will have to deal with each other in a more normal setting.  But for right now, if you’re both happy with what you’re saying, I’d say to keep it up.  What harm could there be?

And of course I WANT THIS TO WORK OUT, BECAUSE IT’S SO ROMANTIC MY PUPPY HEART IS ABOUT TO BURST OUT OF MY RIBS!!!

Please Please let me know what happens!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you unintentionally offend someone

AayuTheLegend asks: I get sooooo annoyed by the girls in my class. They take a double meaning to everything I say. And get angry. Like once I said “Do u wanna grab a cup of coffee?” I got a reply saying, “You don’t respect me, you objectify me!” I wasn’t even looking at her that way. I just wanted to be a friend. I mean how should I calm myself down?

Hi AayuTheLegend –

Now of course there’s a lot I don’t know about the situation.  Maybe you’d done something that bothered this girl before, or maybe she’d had something awful happen to her that morning.

But I’m going to assume neither is true.  I’m going to assume both of you were fully innocent in this situation.  So if that’s the case, how did it happen?

My friend, you need to look at the world of a school from outside (the way I do).  Especially a high school or university.  As female beauty is too often judged these days, that’s the age when girls/women are their most attractive.  And hormonally, that’s when boys/men are their most focused on sex.  So young ladies are constantly aware, maybe more than any other time in their lives, of how they’re being looked at, judged, craved, rejected, all that.  And that’s assuming everyone’s being completely polite.

But I find that often that’s not the case.  Boys at this age (I won’t say “men”) can also be mean and crude, and feel a stupid sense of strength by showing off their objectification of womenfolk.  My human friend Handsome tells me that there was a house at the university he went to, where boys would sit out on a balcony and hold up numbers as the ladies walked by, rating them from one to ten. 

And this would be rough enough, but then you need to add in how females get these messages all day anyway!  From constant media saying you need to be as thin as Taylor Swift, as curvy as Kim Kardashian, and as tall as a supermodel.  And while this is happening to boys more now too (What?  You don’t have an eightpack like Zac Ephron?), for girls it’s far worse.  I’ll bet you’d be okay with showing up at school looking sloppy some morning after you’d overslept.  Imagine if you were then judged for that for the rest of the year; THAT’S what the girls go through!  (And judged as harshly, or worse, by other girls than by the boys!).

So all this is to say, my guess is that’s where that girl was when you made your friendly offer to her.  She was so sick of it all – so miserably DONE with being judged on all these stupid grounds, valued only for her beauty instead of the qualities she cares about, and here a nice boy walked up to her and asked her (and not a group of people) to have coffee. 

And here’s the irony – while she was sick of being pre-judged, she was pre-judging YOU!  You may have wanted to discuss the Chemistry homework, or to ask about a political opinion she’d shared in class.  But because you were a member of the group that had treated her only as a member of a group, she snapped at you!

My friend, you started your letter by saying how annoyed you are by the girls in your class, who take a double-meaning to everything.  My suggestion is that you start getting annoyed with the people in the world, who take at least a double-meaning to everything instead!  And so, when a young woman reacts in this way to you, you’re able to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come off as that kind of guy.  I really just wanted to talk with you about something you said in class.  But I sure understand how you’d be sick of being objectified.  Me too.  People can have such stupid values.”  Then when she stares at you, open-mouthed, because she can’t believe you’re saying something so aware, throw in “I can see this is a bad time.  But maybe some other time I’d love to talk.  Maybe about objectification.”  Smile, turn, and walk away. 

AayuTheLegend, you would become a legend in her mind at that moment!  The nonsensical system that she’s feeling so oppressed by?  You’d have blown a hole in it forever!

Oh and by the way, outside of the occasional bath and (I HATE THESE) toenail clipping, nothing is ever done for my looks.  I don’t diet, no makeup, nothing.  And every day I hear comments on how beautiful I am.  In at least this area, we dogs live a way better life than you humans give yourselves!

Thanks again!

Shirelle

0 How to help a friend whose feelings you’ve hurt

indithelady asks: 

I’m having an argument with my best friend right now, and I’m extremely confused.

Here’s how it all started.  My friend S has a crush on a celebrity on Instagram, and because this celebrity hasn’t actually become super-famous, he answers to DMs and comments from his fans. S showed me his Instagram profile, and because she was my best friend I thought it would be fun to fangirl him together. I followed him and since then I’ve been trying to DM him just for fun. He actually replied to all of them which was exciting. I showed the conversations to S and she pretended to quarrel with me about “stealing her lover,” and had a good laugh – you know like best friends do. It was just supposed to be a joke and she knew that. Now here are some things you should know about S and me. We are two completely different people. I’m more outgoing and I love to socialize, whereas S keeps to herself and is a bit of an introvert. but that was never a problem to me and she never mentioned that she had trouble with socializing. 4 days later the celebrity DM’ed me back a heart, and I sent a screenshot to Sara for a joke, as we’ve been doing for a while. Suddenly she cussed at me, which surprised me, but I thought it was part of the joke so just kept teasing her. The next morning when I woke up, she sent me a long paragraph about how I’m so clueless about everything, and she cussed at me a lot of times. I was upset and shocked but I still apologized because maybe I did do something wrong. She ignored me but I figured I would just give her some space. I couldn’t sleep until the next day so I checked her twitter, and she was tweeting and saying mean stuff about me. I was heartbroken because I don’t even understand why she’s so mad. 4 days ago we were having a good laugh and now she’s calling me names. I spent the whole day crying and trying to talk to her. I called her cell and she answered the first time, but when she realized it was me she hung up. I spam called her, because I felt the need to talk to her. I know I probably seemed rude and I’m sorry but I explained to her that we needed to talk. And I also wanted to know why she was saying all that stuff about me on Twitter, telling people another version of the story that made me seen like a bad person.  She’s bad mouthing me and other people are starting to look down on me, and I have no idea why she is doing this. I understand that she’s upset I kept DM’ing her celebrity crush but she was laughing with me. Why not just talk to me about how she felt instead of spreading nasty rumors about me. I get the feeling that she’s… kind of toxic. This is the biggest argument we’ve ever had because she’s blocked me on every social media and I have no way to reach her. It seems like she’s being irrational and its always me who has to apologize. She once said nasty things about me to my face, but I just ignored and forgave her. But now this small matter? and she’s blaming it all on me? I don’t understand. I want to fix this but I’m tired. I feel like she’s doing this on purpose just to lash out at me. What should I do?

Hi indithelady –

So I’ll admit, I would have been writing you back that I’m completely perplexed and have no idea what to do about this.  Except for one sentence in your letter: “I’m more outgoing and I love to socialize, whereas S keeps to herself and is a bit of an introvert.”  And that makes me think I know what’s going on.

You and S have been friends in real life.  There’s something not-quite-real about being fangirls to some celeb on Instagram, but your relationship is still the same.  And my guess is that S has always been jealous, and felt inferior, to you because of your outgoing nature.  (I talk to people about this all the time, that when humans become adults, it really doesn’t matter anymore whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert.  Lots of the most successful, admired, and desired people in the world are introverts!  But when you’re young, it matters, a lot.) 

I’m going to guess you’re in high school, where social popularity matters more than any other time in life.  So it was fun for her at first, when you joined with her in sending stuff to this guy.  But then, when he responded, and you were writing him when you weren’t with her, she felt betrayed, that you’d gone behind her back and, well, in a sense, stolen her boyfriend!

If I’m correct on this, you’ve done everything right so far, but she’s so hurt and upset that none of your message has gotten through.

But there is one thing you still can do, if you want.  Because this guy is so kind and interactive, while not too popular to hear you, I’m thinking you could write him and ask HIM to write her.  That you could explain just what happened, and how you’ve just been having fun for her sake, but she misinterpreted it all.  And ask if he can explain to her that there’s nothing between you, and that he just loves to play and flirt on Instagram, and, most importantly, that you, indithelady, were only doing this for her! 

Now maybe he wouldn’t be up for it; of course I have no idea.  But I sure know that if something like this happened with me (who also is friendly and interactive and not that big a celebrity!), I’d be honored to write her in a second and let her know what really matters (her real-life best friend) and what doesn’t so much (her virtual relationship with me).

Not to say I don’t matter, or that my relationships with my Pack members don’t matter!  Each one of you means loads to me!  But not as much as your relationships with your friends and family, or mine with mine.

Do you think it’s worth a shot?

Let me know!

Shirelle

0 How to figure out what people who avoid compliments really feel

Wretched asks: I jwant to know your thoughts about my crush’s reply to my confession. I didn’t get it and I don’t know what to reply. So I’m asking you if I have been rejected. My confession started with “I like you” and I followed it with the reasons why. I told him I was thankful for him because he helped me heal through his Godly posts. His reply was, “All glory goes to God and I merely relayed God’s messages.” Now I am confused with how to respond to that.

Hi Wretched –

This is a funny situation.  You know, my human friend Handsome, who I think is just the greatest thing in shoes?  Well he has this problem, where when someone gives him a big compliment, he’ll often give a trick answer, to avoid it.  He likes hearing them, but they often make him uncomfortable.  So someone will say they like the outfit he’s wearing, and he’ll comment on how much better it would look on a better-looking guy.  Or they compliment something he’s said as smart, and he’ll say “yeah, well even a broken clock is right twice a day.”  Or they’ll say he’s got deep wisdom and a great soul… when he ALWAYS says, “any of that is completely due to what I’ve learned from Shirelle.”

The reason I’m saying all this is that I truly don’t know what your crush is feeling or thinking.  He may be a man who believes deeply that all honor on him belongs to God, and it’s his way of expressing faith to say so at every opportunity.  Or he may (more like Handsome) just be a bit embarrassed, and even if he feels the same way toward you that you feel toward him, retreated into his statement about God.

Or it could be that he is trying to let you down easy.

I have NO IDEA. 

In fact, is it even possible that he didn’t fully understand  what you said, and really thought you were just thanking and complimenting him for his help?

Sadly I think the truth is we know nothing.  And can’t unless he says something more.

Is there a way for you to get a little more information out of him?  Even just find out about what he likes or finds attractive in others?  (I find people can get a lot of information about that by asking about movies and TV shows and music.  “What movie stars do you like?”  If you could be with any character on TV, who would it be?”)

Because right now, I’m as unknowing as you! And by the way, I have no problem acknowledging, I’m REALLY SMART!

All my best,

Shirelle

4 Your Commencement: graduating into a new world

One of the sadder side-effects of this pandemic (far less than the tolls of death and illness, and economic pain, but still real) is what it’s done to the final year of school for so many students.  Athletes unable to shine in the sports they’ve mastered, performers not getting the chance to act and sing in the roles they’ve worked so hard on, romances not getting to show off at their proms… and everyone missing out on the big deal – to celebrate graduation.

Now of course, they’ll still get their diplomas.  No one’s taking that away.  It’s not like one of those dreams I’ve seen Handsome wake from in a trembling sweat, where he has to retake classes in his high school!  It’s just that ceremonies and rituals have a great meaning for you humans, and a whole generation is missing out on this one.

But are they really?  Aren’t they experiencing a different graduation, far more profound than the goofy pomposity where people wear flat hats?  They have the whole current world watching as they graduate into a whole new world, a changed reality.

And instead of listening to (probably) boring speeches by their teachers or somebody they’ve never heard of who graduated from their school before they were born, they’re watching new art forms and technologies bloom, made for them.

But wait, I’m not just talking about the 18-year-olds, the Class of 2020.  I’m barking at the entire human race out there.  You ALL are graduating!  You have finished learning whatever you could in the Pre-Coronavirus world, and are being released into a new one – one you don’t fully understand, with new responsibilities, new hopes, and new fears.  It’s what high-school and university graduates have always experienced, but now it’s everyone.

Just like all high schoolers ever, all of humanity has felt victimized these last months, like the world expects everything of them and isn’t giving them the support they need.  And I’m not going to tell anyone they’ve been wrong to feel this.  But the change is on. 

And just as university graduates always have, you’re being told you’re expected to be responsible leaders now, while deep down you know you’re not prepared for that. 

So you current students (or for those who’re older, looking back on when you were), when you were in school, did you ever cheat on a Biology exam without learning the material?  Did you squeak through a History class without really understanding it?  Did you drop that Math course halfway before it was done? 

Too bad.  You’re out of school.  You’re heading into the world with exactly the knowledge you have.  No more…

…But also… No less!  You are more prepared than you know, and have learned thousands of lessons along your awkward journey, just like everyone else.

So Congratulations, and Happy Graduation!

(yikes!)

But when I say that you’re graduating, what does that really mean?  If you could attend a ceremony now, what would it really be about, in your life?

This week, I got an amazing letter from tuktuk, one of my Pack members.  It said more about the meaning of graduation than any speech I’ve ever heard.  And it’s just a description of a… well I’ll let her tell you…

I had a dream. At my school, when we graduate, we have a formal farewell, where teachers talk about the students.  In my dream, we were having that ceremony in the playground. I was standing with a friend D, and my other friends were also there.

And suddenly I saw the younger version of a friend, and D started calling him out, and he waved back.  Then we realized that all of our younger versions were playing in the round. So, I went to find my younger version. I was having a hard time finding her. Then, the bell rang and all the kids were lined up and there I found myself.

I called her out and talked to her. I asked her to not to repeat the mistakes I did when I was young, and to be happy. And she asked me to do the same, and not to look back, and to focus on my future.

Then everyone were gathering in the ground, and I saw my mother from a distance and wanted to show her my younger version. I went to her and showed her mini-me, and then I asked her to click a picture of me with her.

Then I woke up. The dream was strange and made me happy. I want to know the meaning behind my dream.

Well, as you can guess, I told her that I thought that dream held more meaning than this doggy brain can possibly grasp.  But I just LOVE the idea that the most important guest at a graduation isn’t your friends or your family, but you – the you of your past, and the you of your future. 

What would you tell that younger you if you could today?  And what would they tell you?  What would you tell your future you?  And what might they say to you?

The advice is going to be different for everyone.  Did you spend high school studying all the time and avoiding a social life?  Well if so, wouldn’t you tell that version of you to put the books away some night and go make a fool of yourself at a party?  Or did you spend school playing video games and sneaking out to vape with friends?  Maybe you’d tell that you, “Stop wasting your time!  Do something useful!” 

And what would you tell the you that’s moving forward now?  I think tuktuk’s advice is great, to focus on the future and not the mistakes of the past (though of course they’ll keep coming back, as they always do!). 

For example, did you accidentally go out last week without a mask?  Did you hug a friend when you weren’t supposed to?  Well, you could focus on “I’m such an air-head!  I could have caused someone’s death!  I’m so horrible!”  Or you could say, “Hmm… I need to learn from that.  Maybe I’ll get an extra mask and keep it in my pocket in case I forget again.”  And “I need to stay more focused, and not hug people though I want to so badly!”  That’s a much healthier way to deal with those screwups. 

Because, my friends, every one of us is our present, our past, and our future, right now.  I am so in awe of the end of tuktuk’s dream – getting a picture of herself with her younger self, taken by her mother.  What a great definition of your eternal self! 

I recommended to her, and I do to all of you, to put some time aside and follow through on that idea.  However you’d do it.  Draw a picture of you and your younger self.  Or use your brilliance on computers to create a photograph of you two together.  Or maybe write a play where you two meet and talk.  Whatever you create will be your truth, right now.  And maybe add your future self in there as well.

The world is new every day, my friends.  And each of you get to be a part of creating what it will be.  This virus will go down, or maybe even go away.  What matters is what the post-pandemic world will be.  And that’s up to you.

Talk to your past, your future, your parents and friends, and most importantly to your present selves.  Whether you’re 9 or 99, the most exciting moment ever, full of more potential than ever before, is right now.

So throw that goofy hat in the air, give a joyous yell, and leap into it! It’s YOURS!

0 Should men or women initiate conversations?

PERFECTION asks:  Will it kill women to chat to men first? Is it that hard?  Is that really how it should be?  I have someone that I currently have been chatting with, and I always am the one to reach out first. Does that mean anything? I mean, could it be a sign that she’s not interested in me? What do you think I should do??

Hi PERFECTION –

This is yet another one of those cases where we dogs are so different from you!  We like to be the first to start conversations.  That way we can try to set the situation, whether it’ll be playing, fighting, or avoiding.  And I love running up to people I like and jumping on them, licking their faces, all that.  Why would I want to wait for them?!

But I know, you guys see things differently, and start to feel disrespected or unwanted when someone else isn’t initiating your contact at least part of the time.

So you ask if it’s hard to do?  No.

But then you ask if it means anything.  And with that, I’m not so sure.  Humans have many different and complex agendas.  So is she trying to let you down easily, in a not-so-hurtful way?  Or is she playing by some rule-book that says the woman should wait for the man to initiate contact so she doesn’t seem easy and not worth the effort?  Or is she just busy a lot, or does she lack a certain set of manners?!

I have no idea!

But you have every right to ask her.  Maybe in a more polite tone than you presented to me, though!!  Something more like “Hey I’m noticing I’m always the one initiating our chats.  Is there something I should be picking up from this?  Would you rather I didn’t reach out as much?”  And if she says “Oh my God, no!  Please keep reaching out, you’re the highlight of my every day!” then I think you’re in pretty good shape.  Or if she says “Well I’m busy a lot of the time, and you keep interrupting me while I’m in other conversations with guys,” then that says something else!

I fully understand that you don’t want to come off as weak or begging.  But to, from a place of strength and confidence, ask if there’s a reason for it… I think that ought to be fine.

Or actually, here’s what I really believe: if she’s interested in you, then the question will be fine and she’ll let you know it (and probably be complimented at your interest).  But if she’s not, she might find it annoying.  And either one will tell you what you need to know.

Here’s Hoping for the Best!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with Depression.

rain asks:

When I stepped in 9th grade I started having thoughts about death, felt hopeless, worthless, like a failure, I was on edge… I didn’t know what I was feeling I was so confused. One day my friend told me you look like a depressed person so I went home and researched depression.  Almost everything that I was feeling was there but I didn’t want to diagnose myself, so I ignored it. I started being more absent in school, didn’t want to leave my home, but when I stayed home my dad was angry and he said very hurtful things which made me worse.  When I was a kid so many people in my life who were considered family touched me in wrong ways, and my parents fought a lot and they still do, so basically everything that went wrong in my life started becoming a weight on me. I felt like a burden to my family because I scored very low in my exams, so I started cutting myself (I have stopped now). So now three years later I have come to a point where I don’t feel anything. The words that should hurt me or anger me don’t anymore. I feel numb and empty.  I can’t focus on anything. I feel like I’m bursting out of myself.  Nothing feels good anymore and I have no goals anymore. I don’t feel passionate about anything. My finals are approaching and I don’t what I am gonna do. I feel like a huge disappointment to my family, and I have started thinking about ending it all by killing myself. But I’ve realized I need help and I want you to give me advice.

Hi rain –

Let me start with one simple fact.  You have Depression.

Your letter, in fact, is basically a textbook definition of Depression.  Psychologists would give it a more specific name (Major Depressive Disorder for starters), but that’s not that important for now.  What’s EXTREMELY important is three things.

First of all, it is 100% normal for teenagers to go through a depressed time.  Human brains actually need it – your whole identity is changing from being a child to being an adult, and your mind needs to kind of “go into the woods for a while” to transition.  We hear adults complain about “sullen teenagers,” but they’re only forgetting that they went through just the same phase when they were young.  It’s a necessary time, and it can be a very useful time – your growing brain and self-awareness can lead to your gaining awareness about the world, empathy for others, your own moral code.  These are great things, and a beautiful benefit from this experience.  (While there are lots of negatives about this too, such as loss of interest in schoolwork, as you’ve found).

But secondly, your Depression is NOT just a normal teenage phase.  If I’m reading you correctly, you were abused by your family, more than once and by different people.  This has led to a Depression that has gone on for years, not just weeks or months.  And you’ve even cut yourself and reached a point of contemplating suicide.  This is an Emergency – your life is literally in danger from this Depression.  And something has to be done.

The first, and most important, thing I want you to do is to find a professional to talk with about your feelings and experiences.  I don’t know where you live, or what your lifestyle is, but a therapist, a psychologist, a religious leader who has training in counseling – any of these will help.  But you need someone, more than just a caring friend, who knows about Depression, and can help you manage it, and eventually work past it.

Secondly, they may recommend some sort of medication to help with the Depression.  I’m a big supporter of such medicines, but ONLY when they’re given by a doctor, with someone who keeps their eye on you!  Anti-Depressant medicines are not one-size-fits-all, and a pill that makes one person’s life five times better could make someone else break out in rashes, not be able to sleep, or get even more depressed.

(There’s also a danger you might relate to, that sometimes people feel as low as you do now, and take a medication that boosts their optimism just a little, to where they don’t feel good yet, but suddenly believe it’s possible to overcome these bad feelings… and this sense of possibility leads them to commit suicide!  Which of course doesn’t actually make anything better.  You see, when they didn’t see any way out, they were actually safer!  So again, I’m all for medicines, but only when prescribed by a medical doctor, and with someone following you closely to make sure they don’t take you the wrong way!)

And third, at some point, maybe not now while you’re still at home, you’re going to have to do some therapeutic work about what was done to you.  This will be painful – you’ll re-experience some of the trauma you felt as a child.  But it will be necessary, both to end the Depression and to move on into a better life.

I am SO GLAD, rain, that you reached out to me.  It was brave, and I am deeply grateful for your trust.  If I can help you in any way to find the help you need, I’ll be glad to.  But you’ve already done the first step, just by writing this letter.

I also love the name you picked for yourself.  Because you’ve just had three years of rain.  With big dark clouds, no sunshine, no blue skies, no singing birds.

But you know what’s coming?  Once you’re able to take charge of your life and beat this Depression down? 

Oh, your life will be such clear skies, with such beautiful bright morning sun, and all the birds and butterflies in the air, and the little animals running around grabbing food (and yes, us dogs chasing them with such joy!).

And bright green grasses and new leaves on the trees, and flowers – explosive flowers blasting out colors you can’t even imagine – all because of these three years of rain.

It’s not just going to be okay, rain.  It’s going to be glorious. 

Not yet, I know.  But soon.  Once you can move past this awful, awful time.

Let me know how I can help,

Shirelle

2 Poop and Bad Breath: making sense of the new virus rules

Poop and Bad Breath: making sense of the new virus rules

Among the differences between us dogs and you humans, at least once you reach a certain age, is the way you guys are so squeamish!  Things that seem normal to us, or really terrific, nauseate you.  You never sniff each other’s butts hello, you never roll around on dead animals you find, and you insist on cleaning yourselves with soap and water, instead of using your tongues the way we do!

So you might say we pups live in the world of the gross.  The smells we seek out when you take us for walks are just the ones you go to great lengths to avoid.  And we’re fascinated by watching you work so hard to get rid of them.  Imagine how curious you’d find it if someone took good care of their garden but removed all the prettiest flowers and threw them into the trash.  Well that’s what it’s like for us when you cover up all the most interesting smells and treats!

Now in the past few weeks, I’ve been watching you guys struggle with a completely changed world, a new reality.  Where all the rules are unlike anything that was true two months ago:  DON’T go to school, DON’T shake hands when you meet someone, DON’T go visit your grandparents, just STAY on that couch and watch your iPad and phone!  HUH?!

Lots of you are extremely confused, especially about how best to stay safe: Wash your hands, social distance, wear a mask even though they won’t keep you safe, sanitize, moisturize…  of course you’re all going cuckoo! 

But I have a way, through my gross little brain, to help you out.  It’s all about us dogs (isn’t it always!).  Here goes:

First, if you’ve ever had a dog you take on walks, I hope you’re considerate enough of your neighbors to also bring along a bag or two, to clean up when we poop.  (Yes, I said POOP!  I told you, I’m pushing your nausea envelope today!)  So when we plop out something you guys find stinky and distasteful, you reach down and put it in the bag.  Right?

And you do it perfectly, right?  Only the bag touches our nasty turds, right?  No bit of your finger could possibly accidentally brush against it?  And nothing sticking to the bag could get  onto your hand when you tie the top into a knot, right?  You’re ABSOLUTELY SURE? 

Well, just to test your sureness, how about if a friend of yours offers you a handful of chocolate-covered peanuts.  But you need to hold them in your hand, before you put them in your mouth.

Do you?  I’ll bet you don’t!

In fact, I’ll bet you go, “That’s so nice of you.  Let me wash my hands to make sure there isn’t any dog-doo on them, and then I’ll gladly take those yummy treats and devour them!”  Or maybe it’s “Could you just put them into my mouth?  I’m worried about what’s on my hands.”  Or you even think, “Well I know nothing touched my left hand, so I can eat from that… I think!”

But as long as you don’t put your hands in your mouth, or touch your nose or eyes, or touch anyone else, you probably don’t worry about what might be on you, right?  You might even be on an hour-or-two-long hike with your pooch, and very happy to wait to wash up afterwards.  But you don’t put your poopy hands on your face!  And that’s all that matters!

Now imagine you walk into your home after that walk, and there’s a knock on the door, and without thinking you turn the knob and open it.  You chat with the person there, shut the door, and think, “… hmm… I shouldn’t have touched the knob, there might be some of that doggie’s poo on there.”  So you wash your hands and  the knob, right?  But what if you forgot to at the time, and it’s the next day, and you realize, “Wow I should have washed that doorknob yesterday, when I might have gotten something onto it.”  Do you feel you need to wash it now?  Probably not.  It’s been so long, anything nasty would have dried out or evaporated.

And this is exactly what the experts are saying to do about the coronavirus!  Keep your hands away from your face, wash or sanitize often, and be aware that it can last on other surfaces but just for a time.

In other words, when it comes to your hands, there’s really no mystery about Coronavirus – just TREAT IT LIKE DOG POOP!  Yes it’s potentially much more dangerous if you get it into your system, but the way to treat it is JUST THE SAME.

Okay, now, time for number two!  (Yes, that’s a little joke there for those who get it.  Clever pup, aren’t I!)   And this one’s about Breathing!

Now I think my breath smells just great, but I’m not a new puppy anymore and my mouth has had lots of things in it over the years, and so I have… well… dog breath.  And even it’s not as pungent as some other dogs I’ve known, like those with rotting teeth!  So what would you do if your breath smelled as bad as ours?  How would you keep your friends?!

Well, one thing you could do is to stay a little distance away from everyone.  After all, bad breath is just airborne molecules, that dissipate as it gets further from the nasty mouth.  Some say six feet (or two meters) and some say farther is better.  But either way, just stay far enough away that others can’t smell you.  But to be even safer, why not put a covering over your mouth, to keep all that stink inside, away from others?

Well that, my dear friends, is social distancing, and face masks!  One of the worst things about Covid-19 is that a person can be infected with it but not feel it for a few days.  So when it comes to dealing with others, act as if you know you have it!  And since it, like bad breath, is borne in droplets in air, the way to do that is to stay six feet or more away from others, and wear a mask to keep the nasty stuff in.  (Yes, there are fancier, more technological masks, that actually do help keep the person wearing them safe.  But you don’t need that if you’re following the other rules; leave those for the brave selfless health workers who are getting right up next to people with the disease for hours and days and weeks on end.  They need them; you don’t.)

Now there are those other rules to follow, of course.  Stay home if you can, wash instantly if anyone coughs or sneezes on you, keep healthy, take vitamins and zinc and… oh you don’t need me telling you these things!

But if you can remember the rules of Poop and Bad Breath, you ought to be safe.  Safe enough to get through this awful period, and move on to the sort of world we had and want to have again, a world where all your other problems, like about crushes and dating and anger and betrayal and embarrassment… those GREAT problems, become all we talk about again!

0 What are good conversational topics, once you’ve started a relationship?

Danish asks:

Everything is going well, and awesome, with this girl I like.  But now I feel we are lacking topics on which to talk about. We already know about the likes and dislikes of each other, and now, most of the time when we talk, our conversation is just the same repeating format – like how we are, how was your day, discussion about songs, funny jokes and sometimes a little flirting. As you know we both are shy and introverted, so we are going very slowly.  Can you tell me how to make more better and deep conversation ? And secondly how to start talking on topics like kissing and taking it to another level? Is it necessary at this time or not?  If yes, then tell me what’s the beginning way?

Hi Danish –

What it sounds like you’re really asking is how to make conversations deeper.  You’re talking a lot, and it’s going well, but the subjects are staying kind of shallow.  Nothing bad, but… something’s missing.

Now I suppose I could tell you a bunch of deep serious topics to discuss.  The world’s religions, for example.  Politics of course.  Or questions of philosophy (“What is the meaning of life?”  “Could we just be living a dream?”  “What is reality?”).  And all those are fine.

But I’m going to make a different suggestion.  What’s missing in your conversations is meaning.  You’re not talking about things that mean a lot to you. 

Now yes, those could be religion or politics or philosophy.  But they could also be your frustration and confusion about how you’re being looked at by one of your parents.  Or what the better and worse aspects are for the careers you’re thinking of pursuing.  Or why is it your feelings were so hurt by something that happened today, that your conscious thinking brain says was no big deal.

Do you see where I’m going here, Danish?  There are topics that everyone in the world agrees are important and deep and complex.  But what I think would make your relationship more meaningful and intimate is talking about what really matters to you.  And things you might not be eager to share with others, except her.

And of course my wish is that, then, she’d start opening up about difficult things with you as well.

Now you also ask me about how to talk about things like kissing, or moving “to another level.”  I’m all for communication in relationships (and I’m VERY big on nothing happening without mutual consent).  But I also wouldn’t want you to kill the magic of intimate moments.  Talking about kissing is very abstract.  I can do that here: “I love to lick the face of everyone I meet.”  Okay, I said it, but that’s very different from doing it.

What I’d rather you talk about than kissing is your general sense of morality in relationships.  Are there things you don’t want to do before marriage?  Or that she doesn’t?  What are your feelings about divorce, fidelity, even abortion?

You see, these issues have nothing to do with whether you and she kiss the next time you meet, but talking about them will bring you better understanding of each other.  And then when you realize that you agree on 90% of issues and disagree on the other 10% – but are interested in hearing each other’s opinions and feelings, and have shown full respect for them – THEN you have a better sense of each other, and a better sense of closeness.

And then, when this guy, who’s shown her his heart and soul, leans in for a kiss, she will be at least flattered, and maybe feel “this is what I’ve been waiting for all this time!”

Hope that helps!

Shirelle