What are good conversational topics, once you’ve started a relationship?

Danish asks:

Everything is going well, and awesome, with this girl I like.  But now I feel we are lacking topics on which to talk about. We already know about the likes and dislikes of each other, and now, most of the time when we talk, our conversation is just the same repeating format – like how we are, how was your day, discussion about songs, funny jokes and sometimes a little flirting. As you know we both are shy and introverted, so we are going very slowly.  Can you tell me how to make more better and deep conversation ? And secondly how to start talking on topics like kissing and taking it to another level? Is it necessary at this time or not?  If yes, then tell me what’s the beginning way?

Hi Danish –

What it sounds like you’re really asking is how to make conversations deeper.  You’re talking a lot, and it’s going well, but the subjects are staying kind of shallow.  Nothing bad, but… something’s missing.

Now I suppose I could tell you a bunch of deep serious topics to discuss.  The world’s religions, for example.  Politics of course.  Or questions of philosophy (“What is the meaning of life?”  “Could we just be living a dream?”  “What is reality?”).  And all those are fine.

But I’m going to make a different suggestion.  What’s missing in your conversations is meaning.  You’re not talking about things that mean a lot to you. 

Now yes, those could be religion or politics or philosophy.  But they could also be your frustration and confusion about how you’re being looked at by one of your parents.  Or what the better and worse aspects are for the careers you’re thinking of pursuing.  Or why is it your feelings were so hurt by something that happened today, that your conscious thinking brain says was no big deal.

Do you see where I’m going here, Danish?  There are topics that everyone in the world agrees are important and deep and complex.  But what I think would make your relationship more meaningful and intimate is talking about what really matters to you.  And things you might not be eager to share with others, except her.

And of course my wish is that, then, she’d start opening up about difficult things with you as well.

Now you also ask me about how to talk about things like kissing, or moving “to another level.”  I’m all for communication in relationships (and I’m VERY big on nothing happening without mutual consent).  But I also wouldn’t want you to kill the magic of intimate moments.  Talking about kissing is very abstract.  I can do that here: “I love to lick the face of everyone I meet.”  Okay, I said it, but that’s very different from doing it.

What I’d rather you talk about than kissing is your general sense of morality in relationships.  Are there things you don’t want to do before marriage?  Or that she doesn’t?  What are your feelings about divorce, fidelity, even abortion?

You see, these issues have nothing to do with whether you and she kiss the next time you meet, but talking about them will bring you better understanding of each other.  And then when you realize that you agree on 90% of issues and disagree on the other 10% – but are interested in hearing each other’s opinions and feelings, and have shown full respect for them – THEN you have a better sense of each other, and a better sense of closeness.

And then, when this guy, who’s shown her his heart and soul, leans in for a kiss, she will be at least flattered, and maybe feel “this is what I’ve been waiting for all this time!”

Hope that helps!


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