Category Archives for "Life Skills"

0 What to do if you’re in a committed relationship but can’t stop fighting.

Old_Regret asks: I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and 6 months now. We were very happy, but in recent days we have been fighting – on some very silly things and sometimes some serious things also. I can’t stand to see her upset. We are really trying hard not to fight with each other. But always something happens and it ruins everything . We both just can’t live without each other. But we can’t spend our whole life fighting with each other either. These all things are disturbing both of us. Please suggest what should I do!

Hi Old_Regret –

I do this website because I like giving people helpful advice.  But I can only do that in a broad sense.  I can’t work with the tiny details that happen in the moments of conversations, simply because that’s impossible with the timing.

It sounds to me like you and your girlfriend both want this relationship to work, and don’t know how to keep from all this fighting.  I only know one solution, and sadly it’s not me.  I urge you two to get a couples therapist.

You’re going to want to find someone who’s unbiased – not a friend or a relative – someone who’ll help you two learn to discuss disagreements in more constructive ways.  Also, most of the time when couples fight, they aren’t just disagreeing about the actual issue at hand, but also about hurt feelings that connect to experiences they each had long ago – which is just what therapists are trained to work with.

I don’t know where you live, but if you want to let me know (I’ll keep it secret), I can give you some suggestions to help you find someone.

But truly, as helpful a pup as I am, that’s the only suggestion I’ve got.

Let me know if I can help with that – or with anything else!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend asks for space.

GIGI asks: I have a boyfriend. Whenever he has problems, he likes keeping to himself. Lately he has been having problems which I don’t know of; of course he wouldn’t tell, he only told me that he needed space. This is the first time this is happening between us, because we only started dating recently. Right now we don’t talk except in person. He always avoids my calls. I texted him one day and told him I would let him be. I promised to give him the space he wanted. And now I miss him so much, and I want nothing but to talk to him. I don’t know if I should call him? I am scared of being rejected.

Hi GIGI –

Of course I relate to this one a lot.  Every dog feels shut out from their humans’ world a great deal of the time, usually most of the time, with no idea why.  It can be heartbreaking, such as when I can see he’s sad and I know nothing would help him more than to be jumped on and nipped by me and forced to play catch and fetch.

Of course, it’s a good thing that your boyfriend was able to tell you that he needed space (instead of just “ghosting” you), and I do believe you should respect his wishes.

However… Continue reading

0 What to do when you realize you’ve been used in a relationship?

PerryB asks: I had a crush on a guy I go to school with. I told him and we talked it over, and a few weeks later he said that he had developed feelings for me and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Shortly after, we became intimate. Then, after about a week of us being a couple, he texted me and told me we have to break up, that things between us had gone too far. I was crushed, and I haven’t been to school ever since, but I have decided to go back after a week of being locked up in my room, since I want a future for myself. But I don’t know how I should react when I see him at school, since there is no way I can completely avoid him. Please give me some advice on what I should do.

Hi PerryB –

Humans are such a strange species.  You guys have such incredible gigantic brains, which accomplish so much, but this also means you worry tons about things we dogs would never give a thought to.

Now maybe this guy didn’t mean to hurt you.  But even if so, he did.  He hurt you really badly.  You feel used and rejected, as any human would.

And you’re the one who’s scared to go to school?!  Dear, if a dog treated me that badly, they’d be the ones to be scared with every step they took!  Not knowing if I’d be around any corner, ready to sink my fangs right into their hindquarters – and they’d know they deserved it!

Now I understand, you’re embarrassed and all that.  But my advice is to Continue reading

0 Should I give my girlfriend space while her exes pursue her?

Kimwelzzz asks: Currently I’m dating a girl, but we can’t be at peace and nothing is the same because she talks to her three exes, and they told her she took their love for granted and claimed they’ve never loved anyone else like they loved her. Now she feels messed up because she doesn’t know what to do. On the other hand, the same situation happened to me, but with just one ex. And what I did was hurt him and choose her, but now she can’t do the same. Nothing is okay. She’s blaming herself for everything and is going through a lot, so I had to give her space and time but I’m afraid of what she might do when she’s alone. What’s best for her?

Hi Kimwelzzz –

I’m always struck by that idea, that because one person loves another more than they’ve ever loved anyone else, it’s that other person’s obligation to commit to them, and love them back.

I mean, sure, it’s nice to love someone who loves you back, even loves you more than you feel for them (Have you ever heard that old Paul McCartney song about “You gave me the answer to love eternally: I love you and you seem to like me”?!). But the reason to commit to someone is because YOU feel something for THEM, not the other way around.

It sounds to me like your girlfriend is in a very confused place.  As you point out, it’s difficult enough when one ex gives you this treatment, but to have three?!  Wow!

In fact, I think it’s too much for her to handle well.  It’s got to be confusing, even dizzying.  But over time, she’ll have to come down to earth and start to ask herself more grounded questions, like “But who do I want to be with?!”

And in a funny way, you’re making the same mistake, when you ask me “What’s best for her?”  She can decide that for herself; your job is to figure out what’s best for you while she does!

I think your idea of giving her space is good, but you don’t have to completely disappear from her life.  How about Continue reading

0 How to move forward when your boyfriend and best friend repeatedly betray you.

GoldieM asks: I was in a relationship with a boy for a while, but I ended it because I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted at the time, because I was going through a lot. He and I did something I sincerely regret. We were on and off for quite a while, until I founded out he and my best friend had started going out. He told her what we had done and she told everyone. It was all over social media, which made me weak, so when they broke up, and he made me feel so special again, I ended up doing something I regret again, and we went out again. And then he broke up with me and went back with her again! I feel so weak and hurt that I’m scared of getting love and affection from anyone. What do you think I should do now?

Hi GoldieM –

What an AWFUL story!

There’s one thing I really like here, which is that you twice refer to being made “weak.” You’re right – both of these situations (your private life being broadcast on social media, and this guy going to your best friend twice) would take the core strength out of anyone!

Well I have one very simple bit of advice, which might be obvious – to not give him another chance. Twice you’ve gone beyond your own sense of boundaries with him, and both times he’s betrayed your trust (once by talking about it, the other by going back to her). I’m inclined to say you should drop both of them out of your life, since neither seems to care much about your feelings, but she might have a different take on all this. Still, I’d say to give him nothing but air.

But then, you’re right – how can one move on from this?!

It’s actually simple, even simpler than my first suggestion. The fact is you’ve been wounded. It’s your heart and soul, not your body, but you’re just as wounded as if you’d been in a car accident or fallen off a balcony. And what would you do then? You’d go to a Continue reading

0 What to do when your girlfriend treats you differently in front of her friends?

Portpher asks: I am in a serious relationship and I don’t understand my girlfriend. She seems not to care about my feelings. Every time she’s with her friends she behaves in a different way – she seems not to care about the relationship – but when we are together things are fine. What can I do?

Hi Portpher –

I have an answer for you, and it might sound a little simplistic, but it’s because you say you’re in “a serious relationship.”

Now if you were just starting to date a girl, maybe someone in school and it’s the first romance for either of you, and this was happening, I’d say that’s pretty normal, and you shouldn’t worry about it. That teenagers are very focused on their friendships, and for now, that’s her most important relationship, so just live with it.

But again, you say this is serious between you two. Which means there’s only one answer – you have to talk with her about it. The sooner the better.

The question isn’t whether she likes or loves you; the issue is that you deserve to be treated well and respectfully, and she’s not doing that. She’s actually doing the opposite. And if this relationship is going to move forward at all, she needs to make a decision about how she wants her friends to see you two.   If she acts like you’re not important to her, then that’s what they’ll see; if she acts like you’re something great and worthy and relevant, then that’s the message they’ll get instead.

She may not realize that she’s doing this. So that’s even more reason for you to point it out to her. But what I want you to own, most importantly, is the way that it makes you feel. Because that’s a huge part of any serious relationship – working to make the other person feel good and respected and loved.

My human friend Handsome insults me all the time. He calls me all sorts of names, especially “knucklehead,” and even yells at me sometimes (like when I start barking at squirrels when I’m right next to his ear). But every friend and acquaintance he has knows he loves and treasures me. He shows it in every act and gesture.

You deserve that too.

Go get it!

Shirelle

0 Should I date my friend’s brother since he likes me?

Ladyy Spring asks: Last month we were having a birthday party at my best friend’s place and we all got drunk. So my best friend’s brother is younger than her and I’ve also considered him as my brother as he’s 2 years younger than me and I’ve known them growing up. The thing is we are all staying out of town and we are neighbours now. Everything was fine, and we were like loving brothers and sisters until the birthday night we got drunk and lost consciousness, and as I started gaining it back, I realized that I was making out with my best friend’s little brother in my room. I freaked out!! In the morning my best friend came to know that his brother stayed in my room the other night but she didn’t say anything at all she was fine with it. Now for some 20 days her brother has been treating me as his girlfriend – he’ll come spend more time with me, treat me very gently, very loving and caring… But I don’t know how to react to this! I don’t even know whether I’ve feelings for him or not! Is it infatuation??! Obviously not love!! Do I continue?? Do I stop?? I don’t know …but deep down I don’t want to hurt him. And lately I’ve been feeling very uneasy to face my best friend. Should I tell her?? Will it spoil my relationship with her?? From childhood I’ve never hidden anything from her we were always sharing each and everything with each other. I’m so confused!

Hi Ladyy Spring –

What a story!  Wow!

This is one reason you guys should never give us pups alcohol.  We’re wacky enough without this help!  (Plus it’s bad for us physically; it’s often not good for you guys, but worse for us).

So your story is complicated and exciting and all that, but it strikes me that, deep down, you’re asking a very simple question: Your best friend’s brother is falling for you, and you’re not sure of your feelings about him.  So what do you do with that?

Now you didn’t tell me your age, but since you and your friends have moved out of town, I’m going to assume you’re not so young that I need to bark at you about drinking, or worry about any legal issues with the age difference between you and the brother.

So I’ll just stick with the main issue, which is that you are in such a panicked, freaked-out place, you can’t figure out your own feelings!  And it’s got to feel crazy-making that you can’t really talk to your friend, or to her brother, about what’s happened, because of this big missing piece!

So your job, my friend, is to do what I do.  When I’m confused, or have trouble grasping a concept, I Continue reading

0 How to ask someone out when you’re terrified of rejection.

Outcast asks: I think I’m going to ask this girl to be my girlfriend. But here is the thing, I’m pretty much afraid of the outcome. I don’t think I can handle a rejection, especially coming from her. And I know I have to move on if that happens. But what happens if she rejects me? I know I sound negative about this, but someone once told me “to avoid disappointments, you must lower your expectations”

Hi Outcast –

I’m going to ask you to do something really weird.  I want you to imagine the moment of your death.

Not in terms of how you’ll die, or how old you’ll be.  I just want you to imagine that moment when, as we always hear, your life passes before your eyes.  Your joys, your sorrows, your accomplishments, your failures, your loves, your hates…  What do you think will matter to you the most right then?

Of course, I can’t know for sure, but I’ll bet that, when a person (or a dog) experiences that, one of the biggest questions is What Did I Dare to Try.

If a dog in the wild is starving, and tries to steal some food from a wolf, and is killed for it, at least that pooch tried to live, right?

If a person loves movies, and devotes decades of their life learning to be a filmmaker, and gets a movie made, but no one buys it and they lose all their money and have to get another job they’re not that excited by, at least they tried to make it in that world, right?

And if a little bug wants to eat an apple, and crawls all the way up a tree and out a branch, and just as she’s about to take her first bite of it, a bird flies down and gobbles her up, at least she tried to eat it, right?

Outcast, there’s a whole branch of philosophy called Existentialism, that argues that this is actually the meaning of life.  Not whether we succeed, but what we do, what we try, how we live.

I haven’t caught 90% of the squirrels I’ve chased, maybe 99.  So who am I?  I’m a dog who loves to chase squirrels.  And I like being that pup!

My human friend Handsome… well, he’s that failed filmmaker I talked about.  That’s his story.  And he’s still proud of how hard he tried.

And you?  You are completely smitten with this girl.  And because you’re so crazy about her, the idea of her rejecting you scares the daylights out of you!  Great! That’s what love, especially young love, has looked like for millennia!

And I really hope, when you ask her, she says yes!

But what’s important for you to realize is that, if you Continue reading

0 How to date someone with attachment issues.

Navyplum asks: I am facing a relationship crisis, as I found out that my boyfriend suffers from avoidant attachment disorder and now I don’t know what to do about it.

Hi Navyplum –

I’m not sure if I know exactly what you’re asking about. There’s a mental problem called Avoidant Personality Disorder, but honestly I have trouble thinking he could have that, simply because he’s your boyfriend, and someone with a full case of that probably can’t be in a romantic relationship.

But if you’re saying he just has attachment issues, that’s different.

Attachment is something we dogs are usually excellent at. It means one’s ability to connect to someone else, and how deeply they do so. It’s not a good-or-bad thing, different beings are just different.

Think of very young children, and how they’ll go through a phase where they’re all smiley and flirty with all adults, and then suddenly enter a time where they hide behind their mother’s legs whenever they meet someone new, and then they’ll suddenly greet everyone by sticking their tongue out at them. This is all healthy and normal.

It’s then equally normal to go through much longer phases in later years. A friendly teenager might go through a year or two where they’re distant and sullen, for example. And it’s so normal for their parents to freak out at this, as though they didn’t go through the same experience themselves (as did Hamlet, Siddhartha, and every James Dean character)!

But eventually, it’s true, people show their real, lifelong personalities. And some of them are really gregarious and friendly to everyone (think of politicians), and some attach super-strongly to one or a very few people, and some are mean and distrustful, and some are just shy.

As you can probably guess, I’m usually a mixture of the first two. I’m deeply attached to some friends, most particularly my human friend Handsome who I can’t imagine living without. But I’m also very friendly (some say too much so) to just about everyone I meet. Although whenever uniformed people walk into our yard, such as the fellows who check the water and electrical meters, oh I am a fierce beast!

But getting back to your question, “Avoidant” attachment means someone who really has trouble attaching at all. They tend to like keeping to themselves, they’re not very social, and have an awful time with intimacy. It’s not the life I’d wish on anyone.

And yet you say he’s your boyfriend. So he’s definitely able to connect with you.

I have a question for you, Navyplum. Has your boyfriend ever been tested to see if he’s on the Autism spectrum? That could explain his avoidance, while also explaining his ability to connect with you. For example, some of the most famous and successful people in the world today (Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, the late Steve Jobs, one of my very favorite musical composers Burt Bacharach) are known to have mild Autism (sometimes called Asperger’s).

I’d see if he’s willing to be checked out for that. If that is the case, modern society has many ways to help him (and you) out with it. But if he’s not at all Autistic, and it truly is an Attachment Disorder, I can only recommend that you both, together, seek out a psychotherapist or psychologist who specializes in this, to help you work through this difficulty.

Either way, you have been, and can continue to be, a glorious help to him, which makes me just say you’re a fantastic human being.

WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO JUMP ON YOU AND LICK YOU AND FEEL ALL ATTACHED TO YOU!

But oh well, I’ll just feel attached from here instead. And go jump on Handsome when he comes in next!

Thanks Again, and BEST OF LUCK!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you crave to do something new

Anonymous asks: Recently I have been wanting to do something new. So I was thinking about getting a new piercing but I’m not allowed as I am still quite young. So what else can I do to do something new? Got any suggestions? Thanks Anonymous

Hi Anonymous –

I LOVE THIS QUESTION!

It’s not that easy to answer, but I love it!  Because it’s so the opposite of what I’m usually hearing from humans (of all ages) – “Oh my life is dreary, there’s nothing to do about it, I’ll just watch more TV because there’s no way there’s anything else to do.”

I hate getting shots, so the idea of a piercing just sounds awful to me.  But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong to want one – it’s just something I’d never choose (if I’m going to take a chance on my skin getting pierced, I’d rather do it by chasing that stinky cat from down the street and seeing who wins when we connect!).

So here’s the simple truth – I don’t know you well enough to answer your question.  Because the real answer to “what can I do to do something new” is  Continue reading