Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 What to do when someone wants to go further than you want

adds mguire asks: My boyfriend is a little older than me and is ready for more things than I am. He is very understanding, most of the time. Others not so much. He is sometimes very persistent and wants to do things I’m not ready for. I tried to be nice and try something out that he liked but all it did was end up making me feel distant and violated. He was very apologetic and all he wanted to do was make it up to me. I don’t know if I should voice my feelings or just avoid that situation again.

Hi adds mguire –

Okay, let’s get your last question out of the way first:  As long as he stays your boyfriend, you won’t be able to “avoid that situation.”  “That Situation” is called him being interested in you and desiring you, and you can’t avoid it any more than my human friend Handsome can avoid me being interested in food.  If I’m around, he’s dealing with it.

So my wish is that, yes, you voice your feelings.  Big!

But I also want you to do it in the right way.

One of my favorite pieces I’ve ever written (you can find it on the AskShirelle website) is to a question from HarrietteS, about how to deal with a date’s advances.  Now in her case (or, as I explain in my answer, in MY case), this wasn’t a serious boyfriend, but rather just an attracted male.  But my main point remains for your situation as well: it is vital that you realize your rights to your own body, your own feelings, your own wishes.  Sure you love him and want to make him happy, but there are lots of ways to do that (cookies are great!).  And you’re only saying that there are things you’re not ready for – not that you would never want to do them in the future – so there’s no reason for him to doubt what the relationship could sometime become.

The problem I often see in situations like this, when the girl (or woman or boy or man – whoever’s feeling pushed beyond their comfort level) is  able to state their boundaries, is that the pursuer ends up feeling shamed.  Like there’s something wrong or bad in your boyfriend’s desires.

There’s not.  Not at all.

So what I want you to do is to tell him just that.  “I know you want things, and I love that you do.  I love that you’re attracted to me, and want to have these experiences with me.  And I want to make you happy.  But as we’ve already found, if I’m pushed beyond where I’m comfortable, it does awful things to me, and hurts our relationship, and even makes you feel bad.  So can we just slow down?  Not stop, I love your touch and your affection.  But slow down how fast we move forward?”

If he loves you, and it sounds like he does, I think he’ll be able to accept that just fine.

Then, I want you to keep that promise.  So how do you do that?  Well, here are some thoughts:

• Give each other massages. Neck and Shoulder rubs are great, very loving, and quite intimate.  Then you can move forward to other levels – like feet!
• Try taking a long walk holding hands. And then just touching your index fingers together, and then each of your other fingers, for a long time each.
• See how long you can sit and just look into each other’s eyes. It’s okay to blink, but looking away’s against the rules.  What do you see in each other’s face?  How many colors are there?
• Turn out the lights so there’s absolutely no light in the room, total darkness, and sing to each other. Just focus on the sounds of each other’s voices.
• Make up your own ideas of what you’d like to do together, and tell each other the stories. I don’t mean just about sex or such, but like “We ride horses up into the mountains and sleep under the stars, and in the morning a light rain wakes us and we ride through it till we’re both soaked to the bone.”

Do you see where I’m going?  It’s actually fun  to slow things down.  And can be for both of you.

There’s a great old song Handsome likes that talks about this beautifully…

Let’s take it nice and easy

It’s gonna be so easy

For us to fall in love

Hey baby, what’s your hurry

Relax and don’t you worry

We’re gonna fall in love

We’re on the road to romance

That’s safe to say

But let’s make all the stops

Along the way…

I envy you how much fun this ought to be!

Shirelle

0 How to get children to improvise in their lives

Shirelle asks: According to you what should today’s children do to improvise their lifestyle

Hi Shirelle –

Thousands of people have joined my pack, but you’re the first to ever have the same name as me!  That’s soooo cool!

You ask a very interesting question.  I’m not sure if you actually meant to ask what children should do to improve  their lifestyle, but I like what you said better!

Improvisation is something done in all sorts of the arts, where one doesn’t just do a specifically-written piece, but instead works in in-the-moment creativity to create something new.  Jazz is music formed very often in improvisation (though we also hear it a lot in instrumental solos in rock and pop, or even moments in operas where a singer is allowed to make up a little trill).  And we hear a lot about Improv in comedy, where the performers make up a humorous scene as they go along.

In both cases, while the artist is being fully creative, they’re also following certain rules.  In music, the improviser has to stay connected to the song the rest of the musicians are playing, and in comedy, the performers have to stick to whatever logic their scene has going (so for example, if the scene’s taking place in a library, one of them can’t suddenly decide they’re swimming in the ocean).  The core of this is called “Yes-And.”  You have to agree with whatever has come before, and then add what you can to it.

So while your question might have involved you using a different word than you intended, I think you asked something just great!  How can children learn to play by the rules, just enough, but also feel free to add their own voices and meanings to the world they’re in.

Well, to that I have a few thoughts.

First, kids need to Continue reading

1 How to navigate a friends-with-benefits relationship

Tejaswani asks: I’m in a friends with benefits arrangement. I’m not the casual relationship kind of a person. I usually catch feelings after a certain point. This guy is not into the commitment thing at all so relationship is out of the picture. I’m a short and plump girl. My best friend is hot and guys are often attracted to her and approach me to get to her. Sometimes it gets just very annoying. So this guy is also somewhat attracted towards her and says that he might end up dating her jokingly often but it hurts. I don’t know what to do or whatever.

Hi Tejaswani –

You probably know that my main relationship is with a human I call Handsome.  He adores me, I adore him, he scratches my tummy, I lick his nose, he feeds me, I protect his home from squirrels and burglars… it’s a pretty great relationship.

One thing both of us were quite weak at when we first met was Personal Boundaries.  I was a puppy and simply didn’t care or conceive of them, and Handsome was a guy who let others walk all over him (or in my case, bite him, chew on him, pull on him, etc!)

Over time, though, we both learned ways we needed them.  I needed his friends and girlfriends to respect my rights, and he needed me to learn not to jump on everyone I wanted to, and at times to leave him quiet and alone.  It was the opposite of our usual crazy-love energy, but it’s made both our lives better.

I want to somehow give you an overflowing bowl of Personal Boundaries!!!

You describe yourself as “not the casual relationship kind of person,” and yet you’re in a “friends with benefits arrangement.”  I see a big problem here already!  Then you explain that you care about this guy, and he isn’t into commitment, and even might be interested in your friend, whom you often see other guys attracted to, even to the point of using you to get close to her.

This sounds MISERABLE to me!

Now I don’t know if he’s just Continue reading

0 How to help special-needs children in mainstream classes

Megan asks: Hi my son has ADHD and he was in a special class last year and his teacher decided that we give his a chance In a mainstream class. My son was so excited that he was going to a normal class, but now I think that it wasn’t a good idea, because the work is getting too much for him to handle. I spoke to him and explained to him that it’s fine, that he should just come to me and tell me that he can’t cope, and then we can make a plan. I think he is afraid to disappoint himself and of what other kids would say. I try to encourage him. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. What do I do?

Hi Megan –

I can’t know enough to say whether this particular school is right for your son. But you do bring up an issue that I think is awfully important, which is what seems to be his embarrassment or shame about having ADHD.

Of course it’s very normal for all kids to want to fit in with their classmates. And I have no doubt it’s tough for him to be in this in-between status, too “normal” for the special class, and too “different” for the mainstream one.  It’s like when I first went to the dog park – I was too new to know how to play with the adult dogs, and too big to play with the puppies – a really frustrating day!

Now eventually I learned to do just great at the park, so that thought makes me think that maybe you should Continue reading

0 What to do when one of you wants to marry sooner than the other.

Free pack asks: Hi I am in love with this guy who is 23 and I am 25. He has commitment issues . When I told him that I wanna marry him by within two years, he said no he cannot, he has ambitions and wants to settle down first, but he cannot let me go. He also said three years, but still he is scared of the marriage thing. His parents like me and they don’t want him to let me go . But he surrounds himself with stupid things. Now there is a lot of negativity between us, and I am insecure about what would happen if he walks out of my life. We really love each other, but we both are scared of our age difference. We’ve dated for a year.

Hi Free pack –

So you know how people talk about “human years” and “dog years?”  They say we dogs age seven years every time you age one?  Well, if you ask a veterinarian, they’ll tell you that’s not exactly right.  Actually dogs mature much faster than humans in our first years, and then it slows down quite a bit.  So a one year old dog is maybe like a twelve-year-old human.  But still, a twelve-year-old dog is like an eighty-year-old human.

I’m saying this to point out how “relative” the difference of a year or two can be.  If you’re talking about a four-year-old human and a six-year-old, that’s a big difference.  Especially if the younger one’s a boy and the older is a girl, since girl children mature more quickly than boys.

But the difference between a 20-year-old and a 22-year-old?  Not quite as much.  And a 30-year-old and a 32-year-old?  Even less.

And an 80-year-old and an 82-year-old?  Who can tell!

The fact is, the age difference between you and your boyfriend is pretty much meaningless.  Today, you might still be a bit more mature than he is, but if you stay together a while, you two will just become The Couple You Are; the important years will be your years together, not the couple of years you lived before he did.

What’s much more important to me is the fact that you want to marry now and he doesn’t yet.  That’s a real difference!

It’s not that one of you is right and the other is wrong, but that you are on different schedules.

But I will ask you, why is it so important to get married in two years?  If you were older and wanted children right away, that would make sense to me.  But as it is, if he tells you he wants to stay with you, what’s wrong with waiting that extra year?  (You may have a very good answer to that question; I’m just asking it).

I think the big job is for you and he to talk very openly about what you want.  Is he as committed to this relationship as you want him to be?  Is he sure what he wants?  And what is it that you want from a future marriage, and when?

I think if you two talk those things out, you’ll get a much better sense of what’s right (or not) in the relationship, and be able to figure out what needs your work.

And here’s the funny part – if you have that conversation, it’ll actually make you both more mature adults.  Which will make your age difference matter even less!!

Best of luck!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with an overprotective family, after you leave home

Pennelope0214 asks: My family have been very strict, orthodox, protective people, like cross the limit kind. I wanted to leave my home because of that over-protectiveness, which I did last year by moving to college in another city far away. I have an elder brother; we didn’t used to talk but before moving he explained to me that he never liked my lifestyle due to which he was always irritated (my “lifestyle” meaning I use a little makeup). My mother is a very rude person, she’d call me dirty names when I did something bad. Even though I know they both love me. My brother didn’t know about that incident I told you about, where the man tried to cut my throat. I told him a few days back after the function in our college where another guy (who was my date, I didn’t know him but his friends and my seniors said he is nice) kind of harassed me which I told my brother. After all this he asked me to stay away from every guy and if he finds out something relating to any guy and me, he will do something bad. Yesterday we had another function, prom night. My mother kept in calling me saying she needs to talk to the college authorities, is it a university to study or just parties? When I came back I called my brother, and he said which guy did you go with? I said no one. He reprimanded me saying I am lying and he knows me, there must have been a guy. I cut the call. I am tired of living my life. I thought maybe when I’d move out things will change but no, that isn’t happening. This summer break I have to go to my brother’s for my internship and I am tense since I have to be there for one and a half month. He’d talk about that throat incident, boys and put on restrictions on me all the way over again. I don’t want to face him. I made a mistake telling him about the incident. I don’t want to go there or anywhere. I thought he’d understand what I’ve been through and would support me.

Hi Pennelope0214 –

I agree fully with you – the way your mother and brother are acting shows they love you, and it’s not at all coming in the way you need right now.

There may come a day in the future when you move away and get even more space from them, and that can be fine, just for you to get to live your life and be yourself.  I’m not a fan of completely cutting one’s family off – what I see is that people who do that tend to just ‘recreate’ their family with other people, and go through the same stuff they would have with their parents and siblings anyway.

But for now, you’re kind of stuck with them.  Like me in the cage at the pound, I could love or like or dislike or hate all the other puppies in there, but the one thing I couldn’t do was unlatch the gate and walk out!

So instead you have another job, which is to Continue reading

0 Should I date my friend’s brother since he likes me?

Ladyy Spring asks: Last month we were having a birthday party at my best friend’s place and we all got drunk. So my best friend’s brother is younger than her and I’ve also considered him as my brother as he’s 2 years younger than me and I’ve known them growing up. The thing is we are all staying out of town and we are neighbours now. Everything was fine, and we were like loving brothers and sisters until the birthday night we got drunk and lost consciousness, and as I started gaining it back, I realized that I was making out with my best friend’s little brother in my room. I freaked out!! In the morning my best friend came to know that his brother stayed in my room the other night but she didn’t say anything at all she was fine with it. Now for some 20 days her brother has been treating me as his girlfriend – he’ll come spend more time with me, treat me very gently, very loving and caring… But I don’t know how to react to this! I don’t even know whether I’ve feelings for him or not! Is it infatuation??! Obviously not love!! Do I continue?? Do I stop?? I don’t know …but deep down I don’t want to hurt him. And lately I’ve been feeling very uneasy to face my best friend. Should I tell her?? Will it spoil my relationship with her?? From childhood I’ve never hidden anything from her we were always sharing each and everything with each other. I’m so confused!

Hi Ladyy Spring –

What a story!  Wow!

This is one reason you guys should never give us pups alcohol.  We’re wacky enough without this help!  (Plus it’s bad for us physically; it’s often not good for you guys, but worse for us).

So your story is complicated and exciting and all that, but it strikes me that, deep down, you’re asking a very simple question: Your best friend’s brother is falling for you, and you’re not sure of your feelings about him.  So what do you do with that?

Now you didn’t tell me your age, but since you and your friends have moved out of town, I’m going to assume you’re not so young that I need to bark at you about drinking, or worry about any legal issues with the age difference between you and the brother.

So I’ll just stick with the main issue, which is that you are in such a panicked, freaked-out place, you can’t figure out your own feelings!  And it’s got to feel crazy-making that you can’t really talk to your friend, or to her brother, about what’s happened, because of this big missing piece!

So your job, my friend, is to do what I do.  When I’m confused, or have trouble grasping a concept, I Continue reading

0 What to do when you crave to do something new

Anonymous asks: Recently I have been wanting to do something new. So I was thinking about getting a new piercing but I’m not allowed as I am still quite young. So what else can I do to do something new? Got any suggestions? Thanks Anonymous

Hi Anonymous –

I LOVE THIS QUESTION!

It’s not that easy to answer, but I love it!  Because it’s so the opposite of what I’m usually hearing from humans (of all ages) – “Oh my life is dreary, there’s nothing to do about it, I’ll just watch more TV because there’s no way there’s anything else to do.”

I hate getting shots, so the idea of a piercing just sounds awful to me.  But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong to want one – it’s just something I’d never choose (if I’m going to take a chance on my skin getting pierced, I’d rather do it by chasing that stinky cat from down the street and seeing who wins when we connect!).

So here’s the simple truth – I don’t know you well enough to answer your question.  Because the real answer to “what can I do to do something new” is  Continue reading

0 How to set a boundary when you’ve been too nice

Leeeee asks: My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for a year now, and we decided I should move in with her. So I’m staying with her now. She recently went for an interview where she works and she didn’t get the job, and was hurt because that was basically her position. So I tried to cheer her up, which helped a lot. Now she asked me if it was okay if she had to apply to another city far from where we live. I told her I would not have a problem with that, just because I don’t want to hold her back (Bear in mind we have big plans together). Now seeing she is going to apply to it, does this not mean she is being selfish or not? It seems as if I shouldn’t have moved in with her, because she is already thinking of going, but I just moved in 2 days ago. Should I just relax? I love this woman, but does she love me the way I love her?

Hi Leeeee –

Of course I don’t know exactly how your girlfriend feels about you – or about anything else – but I do see one big problem here. And I hate to say it, my friend, but the problem I’m seeing is in you.

You point out that she was really hurt about not getting that one job. And then she found a possibility for another in another town. And then she asked you if it was okay with you for her to apply to it.

And you said you didn’t have a problem with her doing that.

And now you’re asking if she’s being selfish, or if you shouldn’t have moved in with her?

You’re stuck between two kinds of thinking. One is that you want to be nice and supportive, so of course you say yes when she asks about doing something she wants. Then the other is that you’re bothered she’s considering moving away so quickly.

But all she did was ask.

I love nice people, but this is a case where you were TOO NICE for your own good. You needed those two halves of your brain to talk – the one that wanted to please her and the one that wants her to stay – before you answered her question.

Maybe she was really hoping you’d say “No, please don’t go,” and now feels a little rejected by you. Maybe she wishes you offered to move with her if she gets the job.

Again, I don’t know what’s going on in her head. But I do know this. You have to make up your mind what you want to be in this relationship – the supportive cheerleader no matter what, or the partner who needs her close by no matter what. And once you decide, you need to talk with her again. And maybe the talk will go like “I know I said I was okay with you moving, but I now realize I’m not,” or maybe it’ll be “Let’s talk about how we’ll manage to stay together if you get that job.”

But whatever it is, you need to come from one place, and one place only. For her sake, and for the sake of your relationship.

We dogs are great at that, but that’s mainly because our brains aren’t capable of having as many thoughts as yours at one time. For you, this will be a bit of work.

And if this relationship lasts, as you so clearly hope, that work will pay off for DECADES!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to set physical boundaries in a relationship

Spiky 401 asks: I just got into college, and immediately met this dude. It’s almost a month now, we started talked for sometime and decided to exchange numbers and see each other, but we didn’t because I had to visit my aunt at her house. After I got back to school we finally met and went out to a park. Nothing happened there, we went back to school, but not straight to the hostel, we strolled around the school and sat down in a quiet area. We talked about some things like family, entrepreneurship, school (he’d just graduated out of the same school). Then he asked me if I had dated before, I told him yes and that I would never like anyone the way I liked my ex. He asked me to tell him about my ex, which I did, and he promised to make me forget about him. From there he held my hand, stood up, and made me stand up. He hugged me real tight. It was shocking but comforting. From there, he picked me up from the ground – right that moment I thought he was gonna attack me but he didn’t, he dropped me and then he started to kiss me, I mean I have never kissed or hugged a dude but here he was kissing me. Every time I tried to pull away he stopped and hugged me until I got used to his lips on mine. I barely know the guy and I don’t feel that connection I had with my ex. But after the kiss I kept on recalling it and wanting to see him more. Please what do you advise I do, to be on the safe side without losing my innocence?

Hi Spiky 401 –

Well, my quick answer is that I want you to get a little more spiky, Spiky!

But here’s my long one.  First, I want you to go to AskShirelle.com, and search for a question asked by HarrietteS, and read it and my answer.

Have you read it?

.

.

.

.

Have you read it all?

.

.

.

Okay, Spiky 401, so your situation with this guy wasn’t exactly the same as mine with the bulldog.  But it’s actually close enough, in one regard: Both guys came from the belief that they could overpower us females into wanting what we said we didn’t want.  And this is SOOOOO WRONG!  I’m sure you’ve heard about the whole #MeToo movement going on; and while this guy only was kissing you and luckily not doing more, you are now a #MeToo-er, because he forced you into something you didn’t want!  I’m not saying to call the cops – he didn’t take it too far, thank goodness.  But he still took it farther than you wanted – and you were being very clear about your feelings.

Now it’s funny, when I started reading your letter, I thought I’d be getting onto your case about saying, or even believing, that you’d never again feel what you felt for your ex.  I think there’s a really great chance that you will feel as much, or even more, for someone someday.  But here’s the stupid thing about this new guy – he totally blew his chances of getting to be that someone!  Can you trust him now?  Are you going to let yourself feel things you can’t even imagine feeling, for him?  I really doubt it!  So by trying to be “super manly” and overpower your feelings, he just lost the chance to really win your love!  (At least most likely)

Now I realize you’re saying that you eventually liked the kissing, and it reminded you of your ex.  And that’s really nice.

So here’s what you’ve learned – you found out that you CAN feel that for someone else.  But do you really want it to be this guy?

And what this all leads up to is this advice:  I would be very happy if you Continue reading