Category Archives for "Growing Up"

0 How to attract teenage girls

uday asks: How to attract teenage girls

Hi uday –

I’ll throw an answer at you, but first, I have to make a confession.  As a pup, I really don’t recognize ages that well.  I certainly understand certain issues that pertain to teenagers more than to anyone else (final exams, drivers licenses, and zits, for example!).  But when it comes to something like what is attractive to teens, versus women in their 20s, the trends change so fast I can’t keep aware of them.  So I’ll give you some general thoughts, but you’ll have to make some of them more specific yourself, based on the teenage girls you know.

So how to attract women:

1) Like Them. You wouldn’t believe how often I see humans who want people they don’t actually like to be attracted to them! It won’t work (except with cat-like people who are attracted to people who despise them.  But they’ll just make your life difficult!).  So before you worry about how to be attractive, decide who you want to be attractive to, and why.  The more you get to know about them, the more you’ll see things you like and things you don’t.  And that’s good.  Imagine being a pop star who hated girls who loved their music.  It just wouldn’t make sense, would it?  Whereas it’s very clear that the Justin Biebers and Chainsmokers of the world really like their fans being their fans.  You sure don’t see them sneer at them “You’re so stupid, I only like people who love classical music!”  So find who you like, and find out more that you like about them, and that energy will pour off of you.

2)  Take Care of Yourself and Dress Well.  Now here’s a great example of what I mean when I say that you’ll have to determine this yourself.  There are girls out there who love skinny guys in t-shirts and jeans (Ever seen The Big Bang Theory, for example?).  There are others who like Justin Timberlake sorts who dress snazzy, are well-groomed, and practice dancing so much you can see it when they walk.  Then there are those who are drawn to guys with big muscles, who dress conservatively but in ways that show their strength.  But what all these guys share is that they actually do take care of themselves – whether by just eating healthy or by exercising a lot – and dress in a style that shows their pride in themselves.  Whereas the guys who try to hide by dressing dully, who don’t take care of their hair or teeth, who don’t like to look in the mirror, who treat their bodies badly by eating junky food or smoking or worse…  there’s nothing about them that’s attracting anyone.  So decide who you want to be… and BE it!

3) Be Continue reading

0 Why we get depressed when we’re in a transition

sugarcandy asks: I am about to begin university. There has been something that’s bothering me a lot. I don’t know if it’s just my anxiety acting up but lately, I feel so scared about my future. There have been very complicated things happening in my life. Family issues. And I just feel so uncertain about everything in my life. I don’t even know how to explain this to you. It’s just really confusing because I can’t pinpoint that one particular thing that’s bothering me. I question myself about this every night. The only reasonable thing I can think of is that maybe I’m just scared of losing. Cause over the last few years, I have lost a lot of people in my life that I didn’t want to lose. I feel like we just grew apart, almost all of them I don’t talk to anymore. And that worries me a lot. The thought of losing everything else that’s left. Like for example, money. I convinced myself like, this money has my back, like this money, can save me, it can still buy me happiness. And deep down, I know it’s not true. But I can’t help it when a person after person is leaving me. It’s like I replace them with money, which can at least buy me comfort and “temporary happiness.” In addition to that, I’ve seen some of my relatives going broke, and watching them go through the struggles of not having money, that even adds up more to my anxiety of losing it. I have a fear not being able to control my own life. Like, I know it’s impossible to know what will happen in the future but it frustrates me that if something bad did happen, I won’t be prepared for it. I know it sounds ridiculous but I don’t know. I used to believe that I could overcome any obstacles that come to me. But nowadays, I’m not sure if I still believe in it. Maybe I just need motivation, like real hard-core motivation. I have so much pressure from my family. I don’t have a lot of friends either. And this all just seems so scary to me. I don’t know what to do.

Hi sugarcandy –

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re correct about everything. Your letter shows me that you’re very mature and aware.

Now that’s not the response you expected, is it?!

Let me explain. If you ask a young child questions like “Do people go away?” “Do people die?” “Can someone run out of money?” they are very likely to give you the correct answer, “Yes.” But almost everyone, while they are growing up, faces moments when they really realize the possibility of loss. My human friend Handsome, for example, went to the funerals of his great-grandmother and his great-aunt when he was a child, but then, when he was a teenager, went through a complete period of shock when the father of a friend of his died – a man he wasn’t close to at all. His brain had literally developed to a degree where the death meant more to him than those others had.

Similarly, I’m sure you had childhood friends who moved away, or just decided they didn’t want to play with you, and those things made you sad. But now, as you’re finishing high school, your more mature brain is realizing how profound these losses are, and taking them in a completely new and different way.

And these realizations are GIGANTIC!

And of course, you have yet another reason to feel the power of all this, which is that you’re about to go through one of the biggest transitions of your life. I don’t think you mentioned in your letter, but are you actually moving away when you go to university? Leaving the home you’ve lived in your entire life?

Maybe a time one might start thinking deeply about loss!

So, again, I think you’re doing just fine. Though the lousy part of all this is the lack of motivation you’re feeling. Which also makes total sense.

I’m sure you’ve heard of Clinical Depression. It’s a horrible mental illness, based in chemical imbalances in the brain, and can ruin people’s lives. But there’s another thing, just regular everyday Depression, which everyone goes through – usually while in life transitions.

You see, your brain doesn’t quite know how to live in the new reality it’s about to enter. So it withdraws. Goes into almost a hibernation. While it figures out what it needs to about who you’re going to be next. I see this a lot in humans around age thirteen, as they deal with the changes going on in their bodies and interests. And going to college or university is another time it’s practically guaranteed.

Now you’ll notice that most of your schoolmates aren’t in the low, unmotivated, frightened mindset you are. Well, I’d say to give them six months to a year. And you’ll find nearly all of them get there. And every one will feel like they’re the first person ever to go through this! Even though you were just there!

In other words, sugarcandy, I’m saying yet again that you’re very mature and aware. More so than most teens at your stage of transition.

So I’m not going to give you cute platitudes – I’m not going to say Continue reading

0 What’s a good age for dating?

FORLLAH asks: I asked you a question recently concerning if I can date my friend’s ex. We’ve started dating, but I’m having a disturbed min. I’m 21 and he’s a year older than me. Do you think it would be appropriate to date him? Do you think I’d be respectful to him?

Hi FORLLAH –

This is a very easy question for me to answer: no problem at all!

If you and he were younger, I’d have a few concerns – some places have laws about what ages are okay for dating which ages, and when you’re much younger (say 11 and 12) I’d have concerns about what you mean by dating.

But at 21 and 22, you two are fine.  There are reasons why most societies say one is an adult at age 21.  You’re still growing and learning and maturing, sure, but you’ve learned a lot, and are ready to be treated as adults.

But there’s another issue here, about men and women.  Little girls mature much faster than little boys.  Emotionally and physically, a ten-year-old girl is probably equivalent to a thirteen-year-old boy, on average.  And while of course boys’ physical maturity catches up soon, emotionally girls do tend to be a bit more mature  than boys, up to even age 30 or so.

(or, some women would argue, forever through life!)

Now I’m not saying this to brag that you and I are so great and that fellows like this guy of yours and my Handsome are wonderful but inferior (although… oops… I did just say it didn’t I!).  But rather to say that your dating a guy a year older than you is perfect – you’re just the right ages for each other!  You’re actually more equal than if you were the same age!

So of course, I know there are many other issues here, and there might be perfectly good reasons why you two shouldn’t get together.

But age is NOT one of them.

Thanks!

0 How to stop an older sibling from acting out

Schulte asks: I am trying to figure out how to get my 3-year-old son to stop biting at preschool and fighting with the other kids for their toys. His father and I have been taking his toys away and grounding him to his room and giving him an early bed time when we get a report from his teacher that day saying he bites. We also talk to him telling him that is bad. He has a 6-month-old baby brother who has been teething so a lot of attention has been on his little brother. We pay attention to our older son and play with him.

Hi Schulte –

Oh boy did you write the right advisor on this!!!  For the first two years of my life, biting was my greatest joy!  I don’t remember everything, but Handsome tells me I basically ate, slept, and breathed only in order to chew and bite.  I bit him LOTS, bit everyone else when I could, and chewed up EVERYTHING in our house!  So I relate fully to both your youngest son, who has to teethe just as I did, and your older one, who’s expressing all sorts of emotions by biting.  I was both!

But you already know how to handle your younger kid.  It’s that older one who’s making things difficult.  And as I said before, I do think his biting comes from some emotional places.  And I’m mainly going to guess one:  that younger brother!

See, when a human is an only child, the whole world revolves around them, and they don’t know anything else.  Their parents can love each other, or love movies or chocolate or their jobs, but their parental love is only for “me.”  And then if those parents have another kid, that whole universe is shattered.  Even in the best of homes with the most attentive of parents (as you seem to be).

Now if your son was older, say 7 or so, when you had that second baby, he would have much more awareness of this situation.  But being so young, all his reactions to his baby brother (most likely both gigantic love and huge resentment) are unconscious.

And – and here’s my biggest point – one of the most common ways for a child to react to something life-changing is to regress, to behave younger than they are, in a wish that the world would go back to the way things were then.  (This is true of us too – puppies don’t mature in a straight line, we’ll have times of acting young again – and even as adults, we can suddenly start acting like puppies.  Like peeing in the house, for example).

So your son WILL get better.  He WILL stop biting, and start acting more mature.  But right now, biting serves two purposes – it gives him a way to act out his aggression, and it lets him act the same age and stage as his baby brother!

So what we want is not so much to Continue reading

0 How to find out if someone shy likes you

arjai101 asks: I suppose I’m contacting you because I think I’m deluding myself again. Remember how I said no one has ever liked me or what not? Well, I think someone might. Most of myself believes I’m just imagining it all. But, there is this one fleeting part that has somehow convinced myself that it might be true. Sometimes, I swear I see this person staring at me. Once again, I could be imagining this or just making things bigger than they really are. But, they always seem to hear what I say and respond when I think no one else is listening. They always seem slightly flustered when they ask me a question. They seem to actually find the stuff I say funny. I know I making this all bigger than it seems. They probably just think I’m a decent person to associate with or maybe they’re just using me. And even if they did like me, then what? The thought of it seems thrilling. But, I wouldn’t really know what to do. The whole ordeal is perplexing and mind consuming. Anyhow, am I deluding myself? What do I even do anyways?

Hi arjai101 –

Well you know that first I’m going to tell you you were always mistaken, because I like you and always have!  And I only wish I were able to meet you and jump on you and lick your face till you’re giggling so hard you scream for mercy… but I can’t, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one.

But as far as this other person goes… That’s Great!  I’m so glad someone finally figured out what I’ve always known about you!

Or at least they seem to.

So there are a million things you could do.  You can find lots of suggestions on my website – asking their friends, dropping hints, creating ways for them to be able to admit their feelings more easily, etc.

But in this particular case, I think there’s something even better you can do.  Which is simply to do what I would do: be friendly.

Is this person at school with you?  In a class of yours?  Ask them to help you study.  Are they someone you see in a park?  Ask them to join you in what you’re doing.  Someone you see at work?  Ask if you can help them with their tasks.

You see, it sounds like they’re very shy.  So trying to get them to open up and say “I have trouble falling asleep at night, but once my eyes close, all I can dream about is arjai101!” is going to be tough.  But you can make the connection between you two easier.

See here’s the big deal – you’re scared of what it might mean to be liked, but they’re scared of you!  Yes, I don’t think there’s anyone as scary to most people as the person they’re crushing on.  Think about it – a mean robber down an alleyway might hit you over the head and steal your money, but then they’ll run away.  But if you’re so crazy about someone that anything they do means the world to you, you’re in constant danger!

Handsome just reminded me of a folk song from maybe two hundred years ago, with the line “She wept with delight when he gave her a smile, and trembled with fear at his frown.”  Now that is a crush!

So make it easier on this person, if they are liking you a lot, and get some connection going.

And if their staring and actions don’t turn out to mean what you thought, then no big deal, you’ve just been friendly to someone shy.  That just makes you a terrific person, regardless!

But you know I’m hoping they’re flat-out nuts about you!  (like ME!)

Can’t wait to hear!

Shirelle

0 When a teenager’s life makes no sense

Daisaie asks: I’ve never been so depressed and broken. My parents are always yelling at me because apparently I’m failing to become the daughter they expect and things has gotten worse since last year. The class teacher is also making the matter worse. I try keeping myself motivated but it’s not working anymore. I’ve fell down from being a top student to failing in most subjects now. They never support me rather they end up discouraging me. Their comments have hurt me to the bottom of my heart and I’ll never be able to forget those. I’ve lost interest in everything. I seriously can’t take it anymore! I can’t even get a counselor. I really wanna get out of this mess so help me please.

Hi Daisaie –

Wow is this a sad letter!

You sound to me like you’re in a full-on depression.  That’s not abnormal, especially for a teenager.  In fact, I’ve never known a teenage human to get from ten years old to twenty without getting depressed.  But I know, that doesn’t make it any easier when you’re in the middle of it.

Still, I want to give you some perspective on it.  Being a teenager is, I think, the toughest part of most humans’ lives.  You go from the world making sense in certain ways, as a child, to a whole different existence, as an adult, with no logic or control.  Your school will say you should mature in some way (say, they suddenly start assigning big term papers instead of small essays for homework); your parents want you to mature in others (say, they want you to get a paying job), and your body wants you to mature in yet others (for eleven years, the only hairs you had were on top of your head, but suddenly…!).  And meanwhile, your school wants to keep you from Continue reading

0 Dealing with habitual face-scratching

YunoGasaiFan asks: Hi Shirelle, I have another question. And it’s very serious. So basically I scratch my face and I don’t know why, I want to stop but I can never resist not to. My face is full of “scabs” and scars. My parents think it’s some kind of mental issue but I looked it up and I think I have a skin picking disorder also known as dermatillomania. I kept on begging my mom to take me to the dermatologist but she either says, “okay tomorrow” or “you don’t have to go, just stop scratching your face, it’s that easy” But my dad reacts much worse he either reacts about how students at my school will see my face or he will say “that face is getting bad,” with a disgusted look. Sometimes I just lock myself in my room and cry about why I did this to my face and cry that I don’t know how to get rid of these “scabs” and scars. It started off in 6th grade and it’s still happening (I’m in 7th grade). I tell people at my school it’s a “skin condition” because I don’t want to scare them of knowing that I pick my face. But only one friend knows I scratch my face. When I looked up what I have probably had, I told my mom about this months ago, but after those months she did nothing about it, she probably forgot, that’s why she always asks me now “why do you scratch your face?” Out this very long story I have 2 questions: I’m really scared about how they will react but should I tell them the full story about how and why I got my “skin picking disorder” and keep pursuing to ask them to take me to a dermatologist? Or should I just not tell my parents and not “worry” them and ask my sister to take me? I’m sorry, I’m just really scared about how my parents will react if I choose the first one, especially my dad.

Hi YunoGasaiFan –

Sometimes people write me questions and I really wonder why.  I’m a dog – I have a huge heart and a fairly good brain, but when I get questions about academic issues, I just think, “What in the world made you ask me?!”  But your question isn’t in that category at all, YunoGasaiFan.  Your sending this to me makes total sense.  Because when it comes to scratching yourself, no one understands better than a dog!

Oh I love scratching!  I love to get the nails of my rear paws right into my neck, especially where my collar rubs.  I love to roll around on rugs or grass and scratch those areas of my back where my paws can’t reach.  And of course I especially love scratching at fleas and getting them off of me!

But this can go too far.  For example, I knew a dog – his name was actually Dog, would you believe? – who died from scratching too much.  He was pretty old, and he had fleas that just wouldn’t go away.  And he scratched so much that his body’s immunity just burned out – he literally got the same condition as a person with AIDS, the lack of a working immune system – and so went from being a beautiful vibrant pup to a withered weak shell of himself.

Now you’re a long way from this happening to you, but I will say, your Continue reading

0 Is it a good idea to go to college early?

arjai101 asks: I don’t really know what to do anymore. I guess I’m just over high school. There is absolutely nothing for me there anymore. I realized that yesterday. My friend canceled on me…again, but, still managed to go on a triple date the night before on a whim with people she doesn’t even really like. The friends I do have don’t really do it for me, never really did, to be honest. Actually, everyone and I mean everyone you could think of is dating or got something going on with someone else and I can’t even find just a normal friend to hang out with me on the weekend. I have a license and nowhere to go, just as my mom long prophesized. I’ve been thinking of just going to college two years early, I got into a state university, and I’m taking some math classes there this summer. And I’m applying to another university, which has a great engineering program for their fall semester. If I get in there, I’m definitely not going back to high school. I’m tired of taking classes that don’t fuel my drive. I feel like everyone just thinks terrible things about me. No one takes me seriously. The administration and teachers who are supposed to vouch for me don’t even remember my face when I wave at them in the hall, even though I was in their class just last semester. I feel so lonely. Well, I’ve felt so lonely these past few days. I’m an extrovert; I need people. But, I feel like an unwanted burden to everyone. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. In theory, I feel that I’m a pretty cool person to hang around. All I feel is just shallow acquaintances. What should I do? Should I just skip out on the last two years of high school? How do I meet people outside of this suffocating circle? I feel like I go to places where I should meet people, but people are so distant. I’m horribly frustrated. I need a breath of fresh air. I need to feel valued.

Hi arjai101 –

I understand this completely.  I was very good in obedience class when Handsome took me there, actually was the best student in the class I’m proud to say, but I never liked it (except that I got a lot of treats when I learned things correctly).  So I was very happy to leave it, and would have loved leaving it earlier if I could have.

And if you’re such a good student that you can get into an engineering school this early, I can’t really give you a good reason why you shouldn’t do it.  But I can suggest that you use that great mind of yours to really think it out before you make a decision.

One of my favorite humans is a young woman who works with my friend Handsome.  She’s brilliant and funny and kind and… did I say “young?”  She’s this young, and this far along in her career, because she started college when she was fifteen years old!  She then went straight through it and immediately went to graduate school, so she had her Masters’ Degree when she was twenty-one, an age when most people are still undergraduates!

And when she gets asked about whether it was the right thing or not, she never gives a simple, straight answer.  She loved the intellectual stimulation, and, like you, loved being away from the immaturity she saw in some high-schoolers.  But she was also very young, compared to her classmates.  And of course, college and university classes include students from all the years there, so imagine – she was fifteen sitting next to people over twenty in class, all the time!

So it was great, but it was also very isolating.  College is a time when people tend to grow very quickly – in relationships, in attitudes, in intellectual maturity.  And as bright as she was, she was way behind the rest.  So it was a bit lonely for her.

But at the same time, she liked a lot about it.  And she came through it just fine, and has a great life today (which includes, maybe no surprise, that she has a boyfriend a good deal older than she!  Maybe she kind of got used to that back then!).

So I can’t tell you yes or no on this decision; all I can tell you is to treat it like a scientific experiment – to learn everything you can about everything involved, and look at all the variables, and then make the wisest choice you’re able to.  And I think I can guarantee that, whatever you decide, you’ll like some things about whichever road you take, and you won’t like some others about it… and either way you’ll end up the wonderful thoughtful smartie you are – just with different life experience!

Can’t wait to hear what you decide!

Shirelle

0 How to handle an addict parent

Reena asks: It’s been more than nine years now that my single mother is an alcoholic. I won’t bore you with the details because even I am genuinely fed up and bored. Pastors, priests, counseling, therapy, lectures, elderly wise ppl advice etc. Everything is tried and tested, nothing has worked. SHE DOESN’T WANT TO QUIT. I am not a manipulative person and don’t know how to handle the issue. Over the years she has ruined our Birthdays, feasts, all special occasions with her uncontrollable drinking. The problem is, she is not a bad person. When she is sober, she is the sweetest, nicest person you might have met. When my friends come home, they like her more than me. I have asked her repeatedly over the years, what she wants? But she won’t open up. Trust me Shirelle, if she wants to re marry, I’ll stand by her. Forget society, forget her brothers and sisters. I’ll stand by her. Maybe she’s lonely, I don’t know. I’ve tried to figure out but in vain. She is a hairstylist and a few months back lost her work stuff worth almost 25,000. Lost a watch I gifted her worth 10,000 and has lost so many phones that she could appear in the book of records. She couldn’t care less. In my society, I am the crazy one because of my yelling and crying and breakdowns. I have stopped all that now since it is only painting me badly. I am all of 27 and am being very honest in this email. I have no Life and though I don’t show it, my colleagues see through me. They know I have no Life. There are a lot of money problems going on in the house right now and I give my entire salary in the house and sit at home every weekend because I have no money to go out. I have lost a few friends because of this and guys who I could date. Believe it or not, I have dated just one guy so far, that too online relationship. He never came to meet in person. My cousin’s sister makes fun of me because she knows I never have money. I am trying to help her as much as I can but don’t know what else to do. Maybe lack of money is the reason for her drinking, I don’t know. I have never told this to anyone but I am confiding in you in this email. I am even contemplating never getting married so I can help her financially till the end. She is a single mother and my father never provided any alimony. I know Life has been hard for her. And all I can do is help her. But I really don’t know what else I can do. She is very immature and I am tired of playing her mother. I genuinely don’t want to. I want to live like other normal single girls my age, who live and enjoy their lives. Please advise ??

Hi Reena –

Oh my dear, I have so much to say in response to you, it’s hard to know where to start.  But maybe it’s best with the physical.

I don’t know about birds, fish, or insects, but it does seem that all us mammals have brains that can become addicted to things.  You might have heard or read about scientific studies with mice.  And certainly it’s true for us dogs.

Now what do I mean by Addicted?  Well, of course we all have things we’ve enjoyed, and want to experience them again.  Handsome drops a peanut butter sandwich onto the floor, and I grab it before he can pick it up, and I really like the taste of it and want to have it again whenever I can.  Or he scratches that spot just under my ears, and I love it and hope he’ll do it again.  This is all sensible and purely healthy.

But there are certain substances that work in different ways in our brains.  It’s not even about enjoying them (though at first, at least, they’re almost always enjoyable).  It’s that our brains tell us we NEED them.  And a situation is created where we feel really bad when we aren’t getting them (this is called “withdrawal.”).  Now this can happen on a minor level.  People get addicted to lots of sugar, or to playing video games, and feel something’s wrong if they can’t have them.  One can even develop an addiction to high exercise, or to the chemical (adrenaline) that comes with excitement.  I definitely have those – and they’re not all that bad as addictions go.  And of course, we develop an addiction to those we love and live with – I’m a wreck when Handsome leaves town for days.  It’s not just that I like having him around, or miss him; I’m literally suffering withdrawal from him (and he from me, which I can feel in the way he hugs me when he gets back!).

But with certain substances, it gets far far worse.  Some chemicals interact with brains in special ways, that make the brains feel they need them like we need air or food or water.  And even though we know that we don’t really need them that badly, these chemicals make our brain believe it anyway.  And THAT’S when addictions can become really dangerous.

You see, it’s one thing if I want a cookie so badly that I get myself in trouble by jumping up onto the kitchen shelf to get one, and break the cookie jar to do it.  I’m going to get punished for that, sure.  But what if I knew that my jumping up on that shelf would ruin Handsome’s life?  Or kill me?  Of course I wouldn’t do it.  Unless I was truly addicted to those cookies!  Then nothing would get in my way, because suddenly getting cookies would become The Most Important Thing in My Life.  And if, instead of cookies, what I wanted so badly was something that changed my style of being (like alcohol or certain drugs), I’d find myself unable to stop taking more and more of that substance, even though it did terrible things to me like making me mean, stupid, unconscious, ugly, or even in danger of dying.  I simply wouldn’t care.

And this is what’s so horrific, Reena.  This is what’s happened to your mother.

I have no doubt that she loves you like crazy, and knows that you’re more important to her than any silly drink.  And she shows this when she’s away from the booze.  But while she knows that, her Addict-Brain tells her the exact opposite.  And it’s incredibly hard to fight that.  Especially because once someone has a true addiction, they can never get rid of it.

Now when I say that, do I mean that anyone who’s addicted to a drug or alcohol has no chance to improve their lives?  No, I’m not saying that at all.  But the only way for them to move forward is to stop taking that substance, and work hard every day to deal with the fact that their brain is that way.  And it never gets easy.

You see, if I go a year without having a cookie, and then have another one, I’m just going to remember how good it tasted, and that’ll be as far as it goes.  But if a true addict works hard to stop taking their drug-of-choice, and then goes a year without it, and then tries it again, they can become crazy all over again, putting that substance ahead of everything and everyone, and ruining their lives.

For centuries, there was no solution to this.  But more recently, people have created really great organizations to help addicts.  The most famous of them is called Alcoholics Anonymous.  AA is a special program where people work through twelve projects to help themselves take control of their lives back from their addictions, while continuing to go to meetings to help keep themselves strong, and avoid falling back into the bad behaviors.

So when I hear of someone battling alcoholism or any other addiction, my best recommendation is to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous (or Marijuana Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, etc.) meeting and start their program.

But there’s one problem here.  The problem you’re living: the program only works if the person wants to become sober badly enough to go through Hell to get there.  And I do mean Hell.  My withdrawal from Handsome is painful; the withdrawal from an addictive drug can be devastating.  There are some great movies about this process; to anyone who’s dealing with these issues, I strongly recommend The Lost Weekend, Days of Wine and Roses, and Transpotting, for starters (note: all of these are strictly for adults or mature teens only).

And Reena, here’s where it breaks my heart to say what I have to.  As you’ve learned… No one can make another person change.  Your mother knows how awful her disease (and yes, alcoholism is a mental disease) is, and she doesn’t have the strength to fight it – at least not yet.  And there’s nothing you can do to make her do so.

This is the supreme evil of addiction.  Not that it does terrible things to the addict’s life, but how much it wrecks the lives of those around them.

Here you are, a woman of gigantic heart.  And you’ve lost tons of property, and you’re denying yourself the relationships you want, the family you want, in order to take care of your mother’s addiction.

And while I love that you love your mother that much, I want you to seriously consider that doing that might be the very worst thing you could do.

You see, people in Alcoholics Anonymous talk about how they never would have gotten there if they hadn’t hit their “bottom.”  For some people, they hit bottom when they get arrested for driving intoxicated, or when they’re so drunk they don’t remember what they did the next day.  Others might hit bottom when they drunkenly hit a family member, or crash their car, or get fired from their job.  And those who try to protect these people from hitting their bottoms are called “Enablers.”

The fact is, we want your mother to hit her bottom.  Hopefully in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone else.  And your being so wonderful and helpful to her is preventing her from getting there.  So, crazy as it sounds, the best way to help your mother is often to not help her at all, and let her suffer the effects of her actions.  You can still be there for her in the most important ways, but not the way you’re doing it – not to throw your life away in order to make it easier for her to keep making bad choices.

(I know, it’s crazy for a friendly helpful dog to talk this way – it sounds like I’m criticizing my own way of living.  But I’ve seen some terrible things over the years, and have a great fear of addictions).

So if this is true, what can you do?  There’s all this help for alcoholics and other addicts; what is there for those who love them?

Well, there is something.  It’s an organization closely related to Alcoholics Anonymous, called Al-Anon.  And Al-Anon is for family members (and other loved ones) of alcoholics.  It’s a place to work with others who are dealing with similar issues, to help with the ways your life is being affected, and, most importantly, to help you deal with your mother in the most useful ways possible.

I don’t know where you live, Reena, but I can almost guarantee there will be an Al-Anon group fairly near you.  You can find them by going to this website: http://www.al-anon.org/find-a-meeting

As a dog, I love nearly all people, and I certainly have no reason to dislike your mother.  But I do fear her.  I fear her weakness over her addiction to alcohol.  I fear how this affects her, and how it affects those around her, and especially how it is affecting your life.  It’s not fair, to anyone.

So I bow to you for your honesty and openness, and for your enormous love.  And I sit up and beg you to please check out an Al-Anon meeting near you.  And to find ways to help your mother that don’t stifle your life from becoming all you want and deserve it to be.  (And to let me know how it goes, and reach out for any help I can possibly give)

With all the love and respect I’ve got,

Shirelle

0 How to deal with encopresis/enuresis in an older child

minecraft asks: I am nearly 10 years old. I don’t know who else to tell this, because it’s really embarrassing. I have a lot of accidents; I some times dirty my pants and I still wet the bed at night. I do not know why I keep having accidents in the day. I get really embarrassed and sad, because my brothers and other kids make fun of me for it. I have six brothers and two sisters; I am the fourth oldest. My mum sometimes gets mad at me and she some times says things like she is going to put a nappy on me like my two-year-old brother (She only gets mad when I have accidents in the day, not about me wetting my bed). My mum took me to the doctor about why I have accidents in the day, and the doctor said I’m fine and there is nothing wrong. My mum said if I have one more accident she is going to put me a nappy on me, because she can’t keep buying me underwear and washing my clothes, and she says it will be a lot better for me because I will be more comfortable and I will sleep better. I don’t want to wear nappies because nappies are for babies. How do I get my mum not to put me in nappies?

Hi minecraft –

It’s very humiliating, I know, to have this problem, and I really respect you for having the courage to reach out and ask about it.

I was lucky in this area.  I was able to get paper-trained and house-trained very quickly.  After that, there were a couple of times when Handsome was so stressed out it made me lose control, but otherwise I’ve been fine.  With one exception!

That exception is that dogs, unlike people, get inspired to pee and poop.  The reason we go to trees, fire hydrants, and such the second we get outside is that we want to pee, but sniffing another dog’s pee smell starts our engines turning.  This is great for leaving trails, marking territory, and all.  But it can also cause a big problem.  What if we’re inside a house, and another dog has peed or pooped (or thrown up) there?  What if there’s a bit of a residue of it on the floor, or in the carpet?  We have no choice! We get one whiff of that, and our system gets going, and we don’t even have time to whine or walk away, we just release right there.  And then the people always yell at us, or at our owners, that it’s our fault, that we’re not trained well enough.  When, if anything, it’s the fault of whoever cleaned it up but didn’t do it well enough (there are products made with enzymes that break the residue down organically; those are the best cleaners for indoor marking).

But here I am talking about myself instead of about you (Am I marking my territory, perhaps?!).  And human bowel control is a very different situation.

It might sound obvious, but there are only two reasons for a child of ten to still be wetting his bed and soiling his underwear:  It’s either Continue reading