Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to deal with parents not accepting your bisexuality

Vedanova asks: I’m bisexual. Yesterday I came out to father. I went to his office and I could feel my heart beating very fast. I was very nervous. He was watching a movie on TV so I waited some time and then we went to get some food. When we came back, I still wasn’t very confident, but I told him I had something that I had wanted to tell him for a long time. And then I told him I was attracted to boys. And the first words that came out of his mouth were, “We have to change that.” I didn’t speak the actual word bisexual because I didn’t want him to know that I know about sexuality. And then I started crying. He started explaining me that this is all because of hormones and that I must have excess of estrogen in my system. And as every homophobic parent ever told their child, “It’s just a phase” was told to me . He wanted to explain me that after a couple years there will be no estrogen left in my system, and I will be attracted to only girls. Now he’s the doctor and not me so I don’t know if that is true or not. And then he also wants me to be a real boy and do “masculine” things and stop doing “girly” things. Whenever I tell him I think some stereotype is wrong he always has the two same reasons – nature told humans to do this (I have never been able to understand this reason) and what people will say. Before coming out, I thought that I would be hugely relieved after coming out but now I instead wish I hadn’t come out. He also told me to never tell anybody but him that I am attracted to boys. He told me that gay boys don’t go through puberty like normal boys do. They don’t ever get facial hair and their voice never deepens which I know is not true. He also told me to not look up anything on the internet about this stuff. He said that he was also attracted to boys in middle school and high school and then wasn’t, which I think he said to make me believe that it’s just a phase thing. I don’t really think that he is homophobic because he did not say anything against gay people. And because I acted like I know nothing about sexuality he also tried to explain me what are the causes of same-sex attraction and he said that it can be CURED by giving anti-estrogen medicines to males and anti-testosterone medicines to females to a certain extent. How can someone be a doctor and say that?! There’s no way a pediatrician does not know about this stuff. One more thing I want to say to you is that I would love to have this letter published on the website if you can (I wouldn’t mind if you wouldn’t) because I feel like this is an issue that every LGBTQ+ person faces and I don’t care if my sister sees it because now I’m getting tired of hiding my true self from the world.

Hi Vedanova –

Every person is guaranteed a few things in life.   And one of them is to disappoint their parents or caregivers, maybe a little bit and maybe a lot.  

You are absolutely correct that your father knows that much of what he said to you isn’t true (I mean, we’ve all seen LOTS of gay men with beards!  Come ON!).  But it’s clear that he doesn’t want to believe you’re gay or bisexual, and that pain in him is real and shouldn’t be discounted by any of us.  Even if we strongly believe it’s misguided.

So I want to throw a crazy notion at you.  Maybe, on one count, he’s right.  Maybe your attraction to men will go away when you’re older.  I don’t know, and you don’t, and he doesn’t (and maybe he wasn’t lying completely about this “phase” of his life!).  Maybe you also won’t like your current favorite food, or your current favorite song.  I simply have no idea.

But here’s the deal about it – it doesn’t matter.

You like that food today, you like that song today, and you’re attracted to both men and women today.  What you’ll feel in ten years is pretty irrelevant.  For all we know, by that time you may have fallen madly in love and gotten married to someone you plan to be faithful to for the rest of your life.  Will it really matter whether you’re attracted to men or women or some body types or races or whatever then?  If you’re faithful, you’re faithful, and that’s all there will be to it.

I do have to say I’m a bit concerned about his idea of giving you medications to deal with this.  I don’t know enough to speak on the issue, but getting a drug to reduce any hormone in your system sounds questionable to me.  What side-effects would that have?  I don’t know.  But it sounds scary.  

As I so often say to teenagers about their sexuality, what matters to me is that you keep safe.  So if you’re finding yourself attracted to both men and women, but not getting sexually active with them, you’re of course totally fine.  Where I see a concern is if you start dating a boy and getting involved – then I imagine your father doing more than he is now.

Vedanova I don’t know your age, or how long you’re planning on staying at home.  If you’re nearing the time you’d move away, you might consider just holding off on pursuing any romantic relationships with boys till then.  And maybe, to avoid confusion and conflict, girls too.

But if we’re talking about years and years, that becomes a tougher issue.

But for now, again, I really want to emphasize that I’m impressed with you and proud of you for standing up for yourself.  While you’re not happy with the immediate results, I think you’ll be happy forever that you admitted who you are.

And that won’t be a phase!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re attached to someone with ambivalent feelings

Rebel Kid asks:

Lately I’ve been really upset. I met a girl online 7 months ago and we both like each other. 6 months ago she asked me out but broke up with me two days later because she thought we do not know each other enough and that she’s a terrible person and she might break my heart. I was really hurt cause I actually fell for her, but after a few days things became better.  We started talking and after a while we even told each other how we just want to touch each other and feel each other and how it’s getting hard to stay away. But suddenly she stopped texting me often. She said she likes my art but doesn’t like it when it’s dedicated to her. I thought she doesn’t love herself and maybe I could change that. I tried by not dedicating my art to her too often, and things were again fine. But since a month ago we haven’t been talking properly. I put in all my efforts because I love her, but I feel she doesn’t and she even admitted it. She said half of her heart wants to hold on but other half wants to let go, and she doesn’t understand why people stay – she says she can be alone for the rest of her life. I can’t stop thinking about her, I stop myself from texting her but sometimes I just do which leads to a dead conversation. I really don’t know what to say to her now that she clearly stated that she’s confused and she doesn’t know if she even wants to talk to me. She says it’s her and not me. I always understood, but now I feel like I was just time passing for her and now when she’s bored with me she doesn’t want to stay. It makes me feel terrible and I can’t even take out my anger cause I love her so much that I can’t even think of hurting her by my words. What should I do?

Hi Rebel Kid –

My friend, you are a victim of something called Ambivalence.  We dogs are pretty incapable of it – we have strong feelings about everything.  But humans, with your larger brains, often seem to experience it.  How did you feel about school last year?  Oh it was okay, some was great and some was boring and most was all right.  How do you feel about your parents’ car?  Oh it’s okay, it’s not a cool Corvette but it’s not a boring whatever either.  And, dear miss, what do you think of Rebel Kid?  Oh I love him but I don’t want to be with him and I’m not sure I even want to talk with him…

It’s got to just drive you nuts!

Now it’s totally natural for you to put a lot of effort into figuring out what’s going on with her, and why she acts this way. 

But here’s my bad news – it won’t matter.

Maybe she’s afraid of commitment because her parents had a horrible divorce and she doesn’t trust long-term relationships.  Maybe she’s afraid of her own feelings, especially about physical intimacy.  Maybe there’s something about you she doesn’t like or can’t accept, but she doesn’t want to tell you about it.

But finding out about any of these won’t make her want the relationship you want.  Or rather, it might over time, but I doubt you want to wait years for her.

So my advice, which is painful I know, is to let go.  To acknowledge that you two almost had a really great relationship, which shows that you are fully capable of having one with someone else, but that she is not.  At least not now.

Think of what it would be like (I know this sounds very rough) if you were in a wonderful romance with someone just right for you and she suddenly died.  That would be horrible, right?  Devastating.  You’d cry and grieve and miss her like anything.  And then… at some point, you’d move on.  You’d find someone else, and while they’d never be exactly the same as she’d been, your relationship could be just as good.

Well that’s what’s happened to you.  Because you and this girl had so much you liked about each other, you experienced being in a perfect relationship.  But that perfect part of her died, went away.  She wasn’t able to keep it there. 

So while the good news is that the actual person is still alive, you still need to grieve the relationship just as you would have if she weren’t.

Because – and here’s my main point – what matters isn’t the underlying reasons for the way she’s treating you… it’s that you deserve to be treated better.  Even she says so. 

So be a little selfish, and move on.  It doesn’t mean that you two can’t be friends, or even get together at a later time when she’s more capable.

But for right now, it sounds like she’s being very honest about her ambivalence – feeling more than one way about you at the same time.  And the most respectful thing you can do in return for her honesty is to accept what she says, and kindly, lovingly, step away.

Even if it hurts. 

Because the more it hurts, the more it shows how capable you are of love.  And that love should be given to someone who can happily receive it.

All my very best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when they say they need to break up to concentrate on their career.

hey hey peg asks:

I have been in a relationship for last 6 months and I really really love this guy and its pretty serious.
It was going all good but just two days ago he told me that this is not gonna work out.  He would get distracted from his goals and it’s better that we break up.  He says that we should stop here and think about it after 3 years when he graduates! But I have got so attached to him that I just can’t let him go, and I am ready to do anything to work this out –but he is just not ready to listen to me, to trust that I would stand by him no matter what, and would never distract him or take him away from his goals.  What should I do to convince him that we shouldn’t end this? Because we still love each other. I don’t think I will ever have a bond stronger than that I had with him. If he is very firm on his decision, how would I let him go?

Hi hey hey peg –

I’m awfully sorry this happened.  I know what it’s like to pin all my hopes on someone and then have them just walk away (it happened a number of times to me in the dog pound).  It’s just awful.

And I also know what it’s like to love someone who’s all focused on their dreams and career and studies and doesn’t have time for you (Yes, I’m looking at Handsome as I write this!  He knows who I’m talking about!  Mr. No-Time-For-A-Walk!). 

So I’m able to give you my simple quick advice, and some follow-up.  Which is necessary, because my advice is to Let Him Go.

Now you’ll notice, I didn’t say to break up.  I said to let him go.  Why?  Because if you don’t, you’ll completely prove him right.  “See, hey hey peg, I knew that you’d just keep demanding my time and attention and keeping me from doing the work I need to do!”  Whereas if you step back and say “Okay,” suddenly he’ll have all the room he needs.

But you don’t need, then, to go anywhere!  Let him know that you’re around to talk with, that you’ll be glad to be his friend, just as he needs for now. 

I don’t know where you live, hey hey peg, but if your schools are on the same schedule as the ones where I am, he’s heading into final exams, and maybe has some huge papers and projects due too.  So he has every reason to want to put all his focus on them.  And that’s fine.  But they will end.

Now he may also have some other things in mind that he’s not telling you, too.  Maybe he’s getting a little bored in your relationship (that’s so common with this awful lockdown) and thinking he’d like, when he has time, to pursue someone else.  Okay, let him!  Is anyone else going to be as good to him as you’re being right now?  Will anyone else give him this space, and know and love him the way you do?  Maybe he has to go try with someone, but most likely you’ll keep looking better to him.

And there’s another benefit to letting him go.  Which is – what if he’s really moving on, what if he’s going to be happier outside of your relationship?  Well, if you can become “just friends” with him, it’s going to be a lot easier for you to find someone else too. 

And what if you find someone just as he realizes he was happier with you, and wants to make your relationship work again?

Oh well that would be sooooooo sad, wouldn’t it?  For him to have to compete, to try to win you back, to give you all the attention and love and crazy affection in the world to get you back from this other person?!!!

In other words, hey hey peg, I think there’s just one simple answer.  You don’t need to lie to him – you can tell him you really hope to get back together.  But give him that space he craves.  And let him enjoy it… and then… let him not!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Is it possible to trust someone completely?

PERFECTION asks:

When you fully trust someone does that mean you don’t get jealous anymore? What does it mean to really fully trust someone?

Hi PERFECTION –

            That’s a really great question.  I think there are two answers – and both are… yes.

            Here’s what I’m thinking.  I trust Handsome with every molecule in me.  I know he can make mistakes (like accidentally stepping on my tail!), but I know he would never do anything to hurt me on purpose.  He always wants the best for me.  No question. 

            But because I value him so much, I can go a little crazy when he’s too friendly with another dog.  But I don’t get mad at him, I just get very rough with the pooch – making sure he or she knows “That Man Is Mine!”  I don’t want anyone trying to steal him away, or to get too much of his attention that I love so much.

            But that’s one kind of jealousy.  There’s the other kind that eats at one’s soul.  It has less to do with what anyone else is doing than about ourselves – when a person feels they’re not good enough, they’re terrified that their partner is going to see them that same way, and leave them for someone more attractive, richer, stronger, whatever. 

            So to get back to your question – if I trust someone fully, I might get jealous of someone else’s interest in them, but I also could have such a low opinion of myself that I get jealous out of the thought that they’ll start seeing me the same way I do.  It’s two different kinds of jealousy (and I can tell you, the first kind is a lot more pleasant to live with!).

            But when you ask what it means to fully trust someone, I’ll go back to what I said about Handsome and my tail.  Sure you might idealize someone and think they’re perfect and can never make mistakes – but you’ll be wrong.  But if you see them as they are, and know that they care fully about you, then yes that’s a legitimate way of fully trusting in them.  And it is a beautiful feeling indeed!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to choose where to live when you each want different things

Miss Pawco asks:

I wish to seek some relationship advice from you and to gain a third person perspective apart from his or mine or any biased friend. I am a career oriented woman working in a metropolitan city and very much in love with city life. My boyfriend is currently settled in his hometown (small hill station), operating a cafe. He has agreed on a middle ground situation where we would settle in a tier 3 city (1 hour drive from his town) so that I am able to continue my passion of working in the IT industry. This is evidently the only possible solution visible to us but sometimes he nags me for not being able to live a life like his in a small town and for having an inclination towards city life, and for prioritizing my career over him. He says I think superior of myself and can’t adjust to the situation he has to offer. I do want to be with him but not at the cost of giving up my dreams and identity. Please help.

Hi Miss Pawco –

So I should throw in a warning from the beginning.  I’ve never met you and doubt I ever will, but you should still consider me a “biased friend.”  I adore my pack members, and, even when I disagree with you, will always support you as best I can.

Though with this situation, I can’t really side with either you or your boyfriend on what’s right and what’s wrong.  It certainly does sound like he’s mistaken when he says that your love and ambition for your career means that you think you’re superior to him.  But otherwise, you’re both right – he’s found the lifestyle he likes, and you’ve found a career you love.  And you both want to be with each other.  So that’s difficult.  And no one’s fault.

I do worry that he has that old-fashioned mindset that says a woman should put her ambitions second to her man’s, and that therefore you ought to be willing to live wherever he does.  But even if he does, I’m not sure he realizes that’s influencing his thinking.  Certainly other couples would choose to live where one of them would make the most money.  While others would choose the place they think is best for raising children.  Any of these make sense, and none has to be the rule you two choose to follow.

But did you catch the trick I pulled just then.  I talked about how some couples choose one thing, and some another, and then mentioned what “you two choose.”

But right now, you two aren’t choosing.  He’s choosing one thing and you another.  And the two of you are trying to make it work.  He’s so far been willing to compromise with you on where to live, but clearly he’s not liking what he’s agreed to.  So something else has to happen.

Now maybe he’s really just geared to living in a small town, and nothing else is going to feel right to him, and he needs to just do that; and if so, you might feel you just can’t agree to do that with him, and you two need to split up with great respect and love for each other.  Or maybe this current compromise, while not ideal for either of you, is a price worth paying so that you two can stay together.  Or maybe there’s a better choice for the two of you to make.

My one insistence, though, is that you two agree that what you choose is acceptable, at least for a while.  In other words, if he agrees to that Tier 3 City, he needs to really try to make it work, and not complain about it to you.  Or if you move to his town, you agree to try your best to enjoy it.  And biggest of all, both of you need to promise each other to never again make personal judgments about each other part of this discussion!

When my human friend Handsome takes me for a walk, sometimes I want to go chase another dog, or stay and sniff a tree for a long time, while he wants to keep walking as he intended.  We disagree, and will struggle before agreeing to something (perhaps because he jerks my leash and insists!).  But I will never tell him “You just want to keep going because you’re a control freak and hate being away from your desk!”  And he’ll never tell me “You want to sniff this tree because you’re a dumb dog and can’t read a book!”  I mean, neither of us would ever do that!  We respect each other’s wishes and feelings too much!

So I’m all for you and your boyfriend to keep doing what you need to figure out what’s best for you two.  But please, insist that he stop accusing you of thinking you’re superior.  And make sure you don’t make a similar accusation of him.

As I keep saying, you’re both right, and you both deserve complete respect.  If you come from that place, all this difficulty will become much easier and more tolerable.  I promise.

Best of Luck with it!

Shirelle

0 Should one share a gift with others?

Maya asks:

Hey Shirelle 
Are relationship gifts meant to be shared? 
For instance say I am in a relationship.  My boyfriend buys me something for our Anniversary, then I permit my sister wear it, or maybe she takes it without asking me, and I am like, very okay with sharing it. Tell me Shirelle, what are your tips when it comes to buying and giving out gifts, like are they meant to be shared with others?  Because I believe the significant other won’t feel good about it.  What do you think?

Hi Maya –

I love sharing, and I love even more when things are shared with me, like whatever Handsome is eating!

But of course, people take gifts very seriously, especially when a lot of thought and emotion has gone into them.  And even thought the gift is arguably “given,” some gifts are actually requests.  The easiest example of this is a wedding ring – if I give you one, and you accept it, you’re giving me yourself in marriage.  And I’d sure be bothered to see you re-gifting it to someone else!!  (Don’t worry, I’m not actually proposing to you; I’m fully committed to Handsome.  But hey you could do worse – Handsome tells me I’m quite a catch!)

On the other hand, if I gave you, say, a book, and you let your sister borrow it, that probably wouldn’t bother me at all.  And even if I had given you a wedding ring, I’d probably be honored to see your friends try it on and see how beautiful it was, and tell you how lucky you were to have me, “Oh Maya, you got the best dog EVER as a spouse!”

Now with your question, this is a tough one.  I’m sure your boyfriend would be bothered if you actually gave his gift to your sister.  That would seem very insulting.  But to let her borrow it – maybe he’s fine with that, I don’t know. 

I think the best thing would be for you to ask him what he thinks is best.  But – and here’s my main advice here – ask it in a very specific way.  Tell him how beautiful it is, and how much it means to you.  And then say that it’s so beautiful that your sister really wants to borrow it and wear it to something special.  But, while you want to make your sister happy, it’s more important to you that he be okay with it. 

Do you see what I’m doing here?  Instead of letting her wear it and making him feel unimportant, you’d be telling him just how important it is to you, how special.  Because that’s what matters most.

I have a funny story that deals with this.  When Handsome was a teenager, he was dating a girl whose parents didn’t trust him with her, and especially her father didn’t like him much at all – just because Handsome was dating his daughter.  For her birthday, Handsome baked a cake for the first time, and it came out pretty awful – one side rose but the other didn’t, some was fluffy some was almost liquid.  He tried to fix it by adding extra icing on the one side, and it didn’t work.  But of course it still tasted okay – it just looked lousy.  He brought it to her, with many apologies, and took her out for the evening.  And when they got back to her house… they found that her parents had eaten half of it!  Was he upset that his gift had gone to someone other than his beloved?  No way – he was thrilled!  Their eating the cake made him feel more accepted by them than he ever had before! 

So there’s no single answer.  Try my words with your boyfriend, and I imagine all will become clearer.

And if you think of it, send me a photo of what he gave you!  I’d love to see it!

Thanks,

Shirelle

0 Should you worry if your different-sex partner kisses someone of their sex?

Outcast asks:
Lately my girlfriend told me she kissed her female friend. Her reason was that her friend was nice and she was curious to see how it felt kissing another girl.  It’s been two weeks since she told me . But I think I lost that trust towards her, though most friends tell me it’s not a bad thing. I’m confused on how I should feel or act about this.

Hi Outcast –

Okay, let’s get this out of the way for starters: I love to kiss EVERYBODY!  Men, women, boys, girls, all sorts of dogs, the sides of trees, hey I’ve even kissed a couple of cats in my day!  So how you humans avoid kissing all of each other is just beyond me.

But I know that the sort of kissing you’re talking about isn’t the same as me running up and taking a big slurp on the side of someone’s face.  Or if your girlfriend had kissed her grandmother.  This was more of a romantic kiss, a sexual kiss.  And she wanted to find out how it felt to do that with a girl, since she’d only tried it with boys before.

And you say you’re confused as to how you should feel or act.  And I’m going to emphasize one word of that: you’re confused as to how you SHOULD feel or act.

And my answer to that is… no.

That there is no such thing as “Should” in this case.

Now there are some people who will tell you “What she did is wrong, and so you should break up with her.”  But I’m not one of those.  What they did was inquisitive and harmless, to my mind.

But maybe you feel horrified and disgusted and mistrusting, “If she would kiss that girl, then what else might she do, the next time she gets curious?  Flirt with my dad?  Make out with my best friend?  Take her shirt off in church?!”  And if that’s the case, then you clearly need to talk with her, and find out where her boundaries lie.  What is “interesting” to her, and what’s “off limits.”

Or maybe you feel excited, “I hope she does it again so I can watch!  Or maybe she and her friend would both make out with me at the same time!”

Or maybe you don’t really care all that much.

Now you say you’re feeling a loss of trust.  But I think it’s really important to answer two big questions then.  First, what is it you’re not trusting – that she kissed anyone, that she was willing to try kissing someone of the same sex, that she was even curious about it?

And secondly, how did she feel about it?  Has she told you?  Did she love it?  Did she want to do more of it?  Or did she feel “It’s just the same as kissing a boy?”  Or maybe even “It was nothing, I didn’t feel anything at all?”

The fact is, Outcast, we live in a very particular time.  Because humans are getting more accepting of different sorts of sexualities that have been shunned for centuries, that also means people – especially young people – are trying more things out.  “Am I bisexual?”  “Am I actually a different gender, or gender-fluid?”  And these questions aren’t a bad thing at all.  Especially if they help people get happier, and help people accept others more than they have before.

Don’t get me wrong – if one’s religion or moral beliefs dictate that they shouldn’t even try such things, I’m not going to say they’re wrong.  But just as I don’t want to see one person hate another because that person eats foods they don’t believe are morally or religiously right, I also don’t want to see hatred of another for who they’re attracted to, or who they innately feel they are.

So what all this leads to is… talk with her.  Find out how she feels, and what she wants.  And then have an even bigger talk with yourself.  And see what you really, deep down, feel about what she says.

But I can say that I’m a lot more likely to judge someone for kicking a dog than for kissing anyone.

All my very best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re irrationally afraid of your partner’s ex

Awerpia asks:

I’m so confused Shirelle. I can’t seem to get my girlfriend’s ex out of my mind. The thought of him seems to haunt me and I wish I never knew of his existence. I know we have spoken at length about this issue but I don’t know how to get over it. I really regret ever laying eyes on him and I regret the day my girlfriend brought him to see me just because we attend the same church. I can’t seem to imagine my future with the woman I love without him popping up in my mind. I really feel anxious. I feel like one day he will return to the country to lay claims on her again. The worst part is any time I see violence I just feel like this guy is going to shoot me dead one day over the lady. I know it sounds funny but that’s how I truly feel.  And I can’t also imagine my life without my girlfriend. I love her so so much!  The guy still has old pictures of both of them together on social media and I really feel like even after all these years he still hasn’t gotten over her. Because there’s no new girl on his social media walls either. The worst part is that he had a good relationship with the girl’s family, especially her teenage brother. I feel like I don’t have a future with the woman I love without interference from this guy. And unfortunately I attend the same church with him, though we are in different congregations and he’s way out of the country. He lived in the same neighbourhood with my girlfriend before leaving. And because of his friendship with the girl’s family, even after breakup he would intentionally visit the girl using her little brother as an excuse. I really feel I can’t get him out of our lives. I don’t know if I can ever forgive my girlfriend for introducing him to me. I wish I could just wipe him out of my memory and especially hers too. And that he wouldn’t lay eyes on my girlfriend again. Help me out Shirelle!

Hi Awerpia –

So I think we’ve talked about all the reality-based answers I can come up with about this problem.  And I think we need to move on from those.

Don’t worry – I’m not calling you crazy.  But I am saying that this one tiny part of your brain is kind of crazy!  I mean, we know he’s not coming after you, and we know she prefers you, and even if her family adored him, we know they’re not rejecting you or asking her to do so.  So what’s the problem?

The problem is something deep in you.  A horrible fear.

You see, my friend, I’m guessing that these fears of yours have basically nothing to do with this guy.  And that if this wonderful girl had never had a boyfriend before you, you’d have something else bugging you this same way.  And I’m going to make a guess that this comes from a mixture of two things – a hesitance to commit fully to her, and your own fears of not being enough.

But, you argue to me, she’s great!  Why would you hesitate to commit to someone perfect?  Lots of reasons – because commitment of all kinds is scary, because everyone has faults and over time you’ll find more and more in her, because some part of you is trying to protect you from the devastation you’d experience if she left you.  All of these make sense. 

And why feel you’re not enough?  Because deep down, everyone fears that.  Just as you’re bound to find things about her that aren’t great, you know she’s going to find less-than-ideal qualities in you.  And (you probably believe) once she does, she’s bound to prefer her ex, who of course was better than you in so many ways!  Right?  (Even if it’s clear she wildly prefers you!)

So if I’m right, what can you do? 

Just one thing:  Relax, and accept that this is exactly where you are today.

Look at the rest of your life.  Is anything perfect?  Is anyone completely trustworthy, including you?  Isn’t there something to doubt or fear about everything?  But somehow you’ve walked through your day every day all these years.  You will continue to doubt, and to fear.  That just means you’re alive.

Just about every morning, Handsome gets dressed and leaves our home, locking me into the yard.  And every morning, I worry:  Will he forget about me?  Will he run off with another dog?  Will something happen to him and I’m locked in here forever?

So far, every time he’s left he’s come back.  Which eliminates those urgent fears.  But then they come back the next time he leaves.

And that’s part of my life.  It’s part of the drag of being a dog, and it’s part of the beauty of being domesticated and being head over heels in love with my human.

And that’s you.  Your fears, your doubts, are all signs of how much you love this woman.  So accept them.  How empty, and how boring, your life would be without them.

(And how great it would be for her ex’s ego to know how much you think about him!)

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Why hasn’t the guy who flirted with me gotten back to me since?

Soumyaguna asks:

I’m working as an HR. And 2 days back I was asked to call a guy, Y, to offer him a designation. We clicked in the first go like magic. I don’t know how this happened, but we became comfortable around each other on the call, and talked for hours, all into the night. I was wondering how could  be so free around someone whom I met today! But the next day he didn’t text. And now he’s all on my mind all the time, even now – I can’t get rid of this. And I texted him yesterday, as I’d enjoyed laughing with him so much.  I sense he isn’t that interested. But when we spoke the first day he was so excited… He constantly praised me for every little thing.. He even told me he wanted to meet. But now he isn’t even interested to chat.  I’m very confused wondering what happened to me. Why can’t I just ignore him? Sometimes I feel love isn’t made for me. Maybe I’m too emotional and loyal when it comes to this. I stick to one person, but nowadays the trend goes for more. So, I definitely feel lonely, but I’m trying to make myself understand that maybe there is no one for me.

Hi Soumyaguna –

I’m going to assume that you haven’t heard anything more from this guy since you wrote me, and that you haven’t reached out to him either.  If I’m wrong, that’s okay, just let me know.

But if I’m right… Good for you!

You and he had a magical moment.  That’s great.  And he’s a flirt, no question (That’s not judgmental – I’m a huge flirt myself!).  And he talked as though he was going to get right back to you, and then didn’t.

So one of two things is true.  Either he just is a guy who loves to flirt and win women over, and doesn’t mean anything by it, and has done the same thing with ten other women since your conversation.  Or he really meant what he said, and then has gotten too nervous to call you back.

And in either case, my advice is to write or call him.  But it’s just great that it’s been this long.  It makes you look cooler, harder to get.  If you’d called him the next day, that wouldn’t have necessarily been a bad thing, but it would have given him all the power in the relationship. This way you’re actually taking charge by being the assertive one, “Hey, you popped into my mind this morning, and I remembered what a fun talk we had.  Let’s talk again.  Call me.”   Or if that’s too forward for you, “Hey I was just thinking how fun it was talking with you.  Want to talk again sometime?” 

You see, now that it’s been so long, you won’t come off as anything but cool and desirable!  And if he really was interested in you, he’s going to FLIP when he gets that call/text!

But now about the rest of what you wrote me.  If he is just a random flirt, that doesn’t say anything bad about you – he probably doesn’t flirt with people who don’t seem attractive to him.  And if he’s interested but nervous, that means you were totally exciting for him.  Neither one of those tells me that you’re not wantable or that love isn’t for you.

Believe me, if you want to feel that love isn’t for you, just try being a dog in a pound, where people walk past you every day not even noticing you because they want another breed, and you know that if you’re not chosen within five days you’ll be put to death!  That was my life, and while I’ve never believed I wasn’t wantable I was sure scared that I wasn’t wantable enough! 

But I was.  And ever since Handsome took me out of there, I’ve known that he wanted me more than anything in the world.

You’re not in the danger I was, but you’re in a bit of a pound.  And just like everyone else in this crazy year, you’re having way more trouble meeting people than you would have if things were normal. 

So I don’t know if this guy is ‘the real deal’ or not.  But love is for everyone.  Everyone is capable of it, and everyone deserves it.  So I know you are and do.

So give this guy another chance.  And if he doesn’t work out, just know that at the very least you’re fun to flirt with!  And that there will be more who will want to.

And if he does work out… well then you have only one important job to do:  LET ME KNOW!!  I’ll be so excited I’ll chase my tail for an hour!!

Best of luck,

Shirelle

0 Is it all right to still love an ex when you’ve moved on?

Lady Esther asks: I just got out of a relationship filled with intimacy because I felt I found someone who’ll make me happier. Two weeks after the break up, I started dating this new person and got intimate with him. But I feel I’m still in love with the old person. I don’t want to leave the new guy because he’s good and we also have a lot in common which is perfect for the future.
What am I to do now?

Hi Lady Esther –

So you sound a lot like me.  Or rather, like most of us pups.  You are able to love more than one person at the same time, and you feel love and appreciation for those who are good to you.

I don’t really know what’s wrong with that!

The problem you’re stuck with is that you can’t “have” both these people at the same time.  You are monogamous – or at least you believe that these people you like are! – and so you can’t just take them both as your intimate significant others.  

So here’s my question to you:  Can you live with your feelings, and just accept them?  Can you stay with this new person, who’s so great for you, and still be in love with your former mate… and just be okay with that?

This may sound a little morbid, but imagine what it would be like if your previous “main squeeze” had suddenly died for some reason. And then you connected with this person who actually treats you better; you’d likely stay in love with your late lover forever, right?  Of course the loss would be very sad, but other than that, you’d be okay, wouldn’t you?

I respect that you’re obeying the rules in your relationship, and not running back secretly to act on your love with your ex.  But just being in love with them, while moving forward in your life…  that just sounds intelligent to me.  

I love living with Handsome, and would never want to be anywhere else.  But I am madly in love with my boyfriend Kuma, who I only get to see occasionally on play dates.  And I’m also in love with a number of my human friends.  And I don’t want to change my heart at all – I love being in love with them all.  I also love being in love with mountains, with oceans, with squirrel-chasing, with pizza, with… oh it just goes on and on.

There’s nothing wrong with you, Lady Esther.  You just need to accept your heart, and let it be as big as it is.  And you’ll be fine.

Cheers,

Shirelle