hey hey peg asks:
I have been in a relationship for last 6 months and I really really love this guy and its pretty serious.
It was going all good but just two days ago he told me that this is not gonna work out. He would get distracted from his goals and it’s better that we break up. He says that we should stop here and think about it after 3 years when he graduates! But I have got so attached to him that I just can’t let him go, and I am ready to do anything to work this out –but he is just not ready to listen to me, to trust that I would stand by him no matter what, and would never distract him or take him away from his goals. What should I do to convince him that we shouldn’t end this? Because we still love each other. I don’t think I will ever have a bond stronger than that I had with him. If he is very firm on his decision, how would I let him go?
Hi hey hey peg –
I’m awfully sorry this happened. I know what it’s like to pin all my hopes on someone and then have them just walk away (it happened a number of times to me in the dog pound). It’s just awful.
And I also know what it’s like to love someone who’s all focused on their dreams and career and studies and doesn’t have time for you (Yes, I’m looking at Handsome as I write this! He knows who I’m talking about! Mr. No-Time-For-A-Walk!).
So I’m able to give you my simple quick advice, and some follow-up. Which is necessary, because my advice is to Let Him Go.
Now you’ll notice, I didn’t say to break up. I said to let him go. Why? Because if you don’t, you’ll completely prove him right. “See, hey hey peg, I knew that you’d just keep demanding my time and attention and keeping me from doing the work I need to do!” Whereas if you step back and say “Okay,” suddenly he’ll have all the room he needs.
But you don’t need, then, to go anywhere! Let him know that you’re around to talk with, that you’ll be glad to be his friend, just as he needs for now.
I don’t know where you live, hey hey peg, but if your schools are on the same schedule as the ones where I am, he’s heading into final exams, and maybe has some huge papers and projects due too. So he has every reason to want to put all his focus on them. And that’s fine. But they will end.
Now he may also have some other things in mind that he’s not telling you, too. Maybe he’s getting a little bored in your relationship (that’s so common with this awful lockdown) and thinking he’d like, when he has time, to pursue someone else. Okay, let him! Is anyone else going to be as good to him as you’re being right now? Will anyone else give him this space, and know and love him the way you do? Maybe he has to go try with someone, but most likely you’ll keep looking better to him.
And there’s another benefit to letting him go. Which is – what if he’s really moving on, what if he’s going to be happier outside of your relationship? Well, if you can become “just friends” with him, it’s going to be a lot easier for you to find someone else too.
And what if you find someone just as he realizes he was happier with you, and wants to make your relationship work again?
Oh well that would be sooooooo sad, wouldn’t it? For him to have to compete, to try to win you back, to give you all the attention and love and crazy affection in the world to get you back from this other person?!!!
In other words, hey hey peg, I think there’s just one simple answer. You don’t need to lie to him – you can tell him you really hope to get back together. But give him that space he craves. And let him enjoy it… and then… let him not!
All my best,