Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 Why is my boyfriend or girlfriend acting completely hostile angry to me

dark horse asks: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months, but recently he has been acting out. Last I brought up something to talk about and he gave me shouting. I asked him about his friend and he told me to **** off and in return I asked why he was being rude, and he said **** off again. So do you have any idea what causes a 23-year-old boy to act so bizarre?

Hi dark horse –

My simple answer to you is that I have no idea what caused your boyfriend to act this way.  In fact, from what you tell me, there’s no way to find out.

Which means something very simple: It’s something else.

A few thoughts that go through my mind:

1) He believes something about you, that you said or did something, that is completely untrue.

2) He believes something about you, that you said or did something, you know about, but you don’t see in the negative way he does.

3) He believes something about you, that you said or did something, that you’re just not telling me!

4) He was under the influence of some substance – perhaps some medication or some recreational illegal drug – that led him to react this way.

5) He was bitten by a werewolf and is turning into one himself.

If it’s #4 or #5, my advice is that you were right to dump him and you should give him lots of space until he fixes whatever’s wrong and comes around to apologize.

But if it’s one of the first three, maybe a friend of his could tell you what’s up?

Sorry, but beyond those, I have no idea!  I’m very bright for a dog, but this would require my being a psychic at the least!

Good luck with it – I hope you get to find out anyway!

Shirelle

0 Why keep living when too many things go horribly?

teen asks: I’m quite heavily tired. I’m clueless, I even wanted to attempt suicide and if I die within these days, you don’t have any idea how much happy and peaceful I would feel. But I don’t know now what can I do, I tried everything, but nothing works anymore. It’s a long story: In short, I was in love with a sociopath for two years. I was depressed, my results study life degraded, but recently I got over that depression and I don’t miss him much anymore. I had never had the urge to understand my mother, I was rough, selfish, underestimating her all the time, but after my love life I understood her, I understood her feelings, emotions, her worries, her sufferings. Her love made me feel I need nothing as long as she is there with me and I wanted to love her back. I tried to help and chat with her, but in the middle of that my father died last November from kidney disease. I wanted to be with her all the time, I wanted to talk with her, be there for her, but I wasn’t stable myself for my father’s death. I didn’t give admission exams of universities but I did one exam 3 days after his death, and the result came that I failed. But after his death, my mother’s siblings started to treat her like nobody and hurt her in many ways; one of them even almost cursed her. So in that way mom was totally shattered into pieces. But it has been 3 years, and still she continuously despises me, and thinks I’m trying to get something out of her by acting loving in front of her. If I share something with her, she uses that as a time bomb, and hurts me by my sad past. She accused me of stealing money; she thinks I’m a devil. At first I used to curse her, then secondly I used slangs and thirdly I spoke back. But then my friends asked me to remain silent, and when I did she started to misunderstand me more! And as for remaining silent she beat me bad, she stopped giving me food. So I started to talk with her logically, I requested her to be nice with me but she doesn’t listen or believe. I always pray to God and say that from tomorrow I’ll be nice, but when the morning comes she always says something so harsh that I just go nuts. If I talk with her nicely she says I’m tricking her, if I give her proof that she is wrong she says I’m a liar. I ended up throwing a Jesus statue out of the window crying, and yelling to him why does he always ruin my plan to be a good person. I tore up my favorite things so that I can attempt suicide and there will be nothing left of my personal taste. I can’t fix it anyway. Look I know I’m bad, I’m not good, but why is this happening? Why can’t I change anything? The more I try the more she destroys me. She loves me I know, so then when I stop being nice or stop trying she pulls me back to her and talks with me and asks me to try, so then when I try she still scolds me like a mad dog without understanding anything. The main problem is that I try, but it never works. I’m tired of always crying everywhere. There are more things that went wrong but this will take a week if I start! Listen I know I have done wrong, but I have tried talking, working, being nice, everything I could but nothing works. Can you please please help me? I’m a little Internet-obsessed, every teen is now, but she always thinks I talk with men, she thinks I search for boyfriends; it hurts so much I don’t even use my fb account, never upload or take selfies of me, but she still calls me prostitute or something, My phone got stolen twice and she said she wouldn’t give me a new one, so I bought a 2nd-hand phone out of my savings from a guy, and she is mad at me for that. She says I want to convince a guy to have sex. I’m so speechless that I stopped talking with her; it has been 3 days. My sister came from her in-laws to stay at home for a few hours but I didn’t go to see of her, I was so scared of mom. Can you tell me what should I do?

Hi teen –

I do have a few things to suggest, but I think the most important thing for me to say is I Am SO Sorry!  I am sorry you’ve had to live with all this, I’m sorry about you losing your father, I’m sorry about your bad romantic relationship, and I’m especially sorry about your mother.

If there is one thing I’d love, it would be to see you guys go into family therapy.  This is such a difficult situation, and there is no way that you aren’t being wounded constantly by this treatment from your mom – who I’m sure feels victimized as well (and of course, just by the nature of losing her husband and then being treated that way by her siblings, she is!).

So if that’s possible, that’d be my favorite idea.  But if that can’t happen, then I really wonder if it’s not time for you to try to find another place to live.  It’s always hard for teens and parents to live together – you’re always going to get on each other’s nerves – but your case is far worse than most.  And if there’s a way for you to move out (maybe you could live with one of your sisters?), I think it would give both you and your mother a much-needed break from each other.  I’m not saying to cut off contact with her – in fact I think that would be a terrible idea right now – but if you could just see each other a few times a week instead of being on top of each other all the time, that would help a lot.

But I need to add something else here.  Everyone gets upset, everyone gets frustrated, everyone goes through grief and heartbreak.  I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer those things – you and your mother – but what scares me the most is Continue reading

0 How to give each of your children enough attention

MamaD asks: I am a mother of 4: 26, 24, 12, and 9. I also to care of my 2 grandbabies and 3 nieces and nephew. Now…my question is HOW DO I GIVE EACH ONE MY ATTENTION when they all want it at the same time!?. They always tattling and arguing with each other! They get me to the point where I bust out in tears!!!!

Hi MamaD –

I have no doubt that you’re right, that they all want your attention.  And that at least some of their misbehavior comes from their trying to get it.

But I have very bad news for you:  You’re only human.  And you’re only ONE human too.

So you can give each one your attention, but not all at once.  No one can.  (If anyone could, it’d be a dog, but even we can’t handle all this at once.  I’d be hiding under the table!)

So here’s my advice.  With your four kids, make a date night.  Let’s say it’s Wednesday.  So every Wednesday you have a dinner (or whatever works) with just one of those kids.  And once you’ve done one with each of them, you start over.  This way they’ll each get something like one night a month of you alone.  Then make another time when you can spend time with just the nieces and nephew – either all together or just some of them, but away from your children and grandchildren.  And then make sure you have time every day alone with each of those grandbabies!

Now to do this, you’ll have to pre-plan a lot.  Who’s going to take care of everyone else while you’re off with the 26-year-old?  Who’s in charge when you’re with the nieces and nephew?

And the rest of the time that you’re with all these kids, you’ll need to make some rules.  Such as that any argument results in BOTH arguers getting sent off alone for ten minutes (or, for the older ones, maybe an hour).  You simply can’t handle all this chaos at once.

But again, that involves pre-planning.  This is what we dogs are TERRIBLE at.  So I can’t tell you exactly how to do it, but it’s the only solution I see!

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

ps: And congratulations!  As much trouble as they must be, how wonderful to have all these kids!!!

0 How to set a boundary when you’ve been too nice

Leeeee asks: My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for a year now, and we decided I should move in with her. So I’m staying with her now. She recently went for an interview where she works and she didn’t get the job, and was hurt because that was basically her position. So I tried to cheer her up, which helped a lot. Now she asked me if it was okay if she had to apply to another city far from where we live. I told her I would not have a problem with that, just because I don’t want to hold her back (Bear in mind we have big plans together). Now seeing she is going to apply to it, does this not mean she is being selfish or not? It seems as if I shouldn’t have moved in with her, because she is already thinking of going, but I just moved in 2 days ago. Should I just relax? I love this woman, but does she love me the way I love her?

Hi Leeeee –

Of course I don’t know exactly how your girlfriend feels about you – or about anything else – but I do see one big problem here. And I hate to say it, my friend, but the problem I’m seeing is in you.

You point out that she was really hurt about not getting that one job. And then she found a possibility for another in another town. And then she asked you if it was okay with you for her to apply to it.

And you said you didn’t have a problem with her doing that.

And now you’re asking if she’s being selfish, or if you shouldn’t have moved in with her?

You’re stuck between two kinds of thinking. One is that you want to be nice and supportive, so of course you say yes when she asks about doing something she wants. Then the other is that you’re bothered she’s considering moving away so quickly.

But all she did was ask.

I love nice people, but this is a case where you were TOO NICE for your own good. You needed those two halves of your brain to talk – the one that wanted to please her and the one that wants her to stay – before you answered her question.

Maybe she was really hoping you’d say “No, please don’t go,” and now feels a little rejected by you. Maybe she wishes you offered to move with her if she gets the job.

Again, I don’t know what’s going on in her head. But I do know this. You have to make up your mind what you want to be in this relationship – the supportive cheerleader no matter what, or the partner who needs her close by no matter what. And once you decide, you need to talk with her again. And maybe the talk will go like “I know I said I was okay with you moving, but I now realize I’m not,” or maybe it’ll be “Let’s talk about how we’ll manage to stay together if you get that job.”

But whatever it is, you need to come from one place, and one place only. For her sake, and for the sake of your relationship.

We dogs are great at that, but that’s mainly because our brains aren’t capable of having as many thoughts as yours at one time. For you, this will be a bit of work.

And if this relationship lasts, as you so clearly hope, that work will pay off for DECADES!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to react when it seems like everyone is ignoring or rejecting you

Cupcake11 asks: There’s more to the story I told you before. It all started when my best friend didn’t tell me that she was gonna break up with her boyfriend. She told me when I questioned her, and what hurt me was that she had considered my opinion which I had stated months ago and didn’t even find the need to ask me once about what exactly I meant. Instead she listened to her other best friend who had betrayed her once. It broke my heart to hear that. And then 3 days later, I found out that she patched up with her boyfriend. Her getting influenced by that best friend of hers made me mad, and she tried convincing me – and in the end I did get convinced, thinking that she would give up on me and leave me. Now when things went wrong in my family, when my brother didn’t support me – even when I was right he supported his girlfriend and my uncle has been demotivating me by calling me ugly fat and useless and says I can’t do anything in life – when I got frustrated I thought of reaching out to my best friend, but she was sending one word replies or emoticons (which upset me because I was in a very emotionally vulnerable state) and 2 days later she texted “I’m sick I can’t talk to u over the phone,” and she started asking me questions instead, like if my uncle was seriously saying that and how I should tell my brother to take a stand for me, but she didn’t send a single comforting message. I felt very bad and decided not to tell her anything, and instead just formally talk to her. Please tell me what to do. She is a bit conservative, but whenever she needed me I was always by her side comforting her, and now when I needed her the most she wasn’t there.

Hi Cupcake11 –

Yes, this is TOUGH!  So much at once, all seeming to express the same thing – that you can’t trust at all.

And yes, we ALL have times like that, when the world is just plain weird, and we feel just that alone.  (Well, except for what your uncle said to you.  That bothers me a lot.  I wish I could come over and bite him so hard I rip the seat of his pants out, so you can then say to him “Well it looks like you’re fat and ugly and useless, and it looks like you can’t do anything in life – you can’t even sit down, jerk!”)

But the worst thing about going through these times is that we end up over-sensitized, to where we expect the worst, and see everything in a bad way.

So I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be upset about all these people not being there for you.  But I do want you to try thinking the complete opposite way.

And that might be difficult!

So, for example, what if you thought, “Hmm… my best friend had a good reason to think that her ex-bestie would know more about her problem with her boyfriend than I would, and hoped that talking about him would improve their relationship.”  Might that feel a bit better?  And “My brother is scared that if he doesn’t support his girlfriend she’ll leave him, so he had to put on a show for her, even though he knows I’m right.”  Or “My best friend is so ill she can’t even text full sentences, and doesn’t even have it in her to support me right now.”

Now none of these is going to feel great.  But what they all can do is shift you from seeing each of these situations as being about something negative toward you.

And I’ll throw in myself too.  You wrote me this letter, but then wrote me again when I didn’t get back to you for a day. Normally it can take up to a week for me to respond to letters from pack members, and yesterday was even more odd because Handsome’s phone broke down and everything went crazy around here.  So, truly, my not getting back to you had nothing to do with how much I care about you.

But I’m not saying you were wrong to feel sad about not hearing from me.  Sure, just the way I feel sad when Handsome’s not home (or he’s all frustrated about his busted phone!).

We each want to feel important, and there are times when stuff is going on in so many of the lives of those we love that we feel like we’re always lower priority.  But that doesn’t mean that those people don’t care about us, and love us, and want the best for us.  It’s just that they have other things (like romances and illnesses and busted phones) that they have to pay attention to first.

And of course, you will have times you do the same.  A friend calls you when you’re cramming for an exam, or when you’re at a family event, and you just can’t be there for them in the way you’d most like to.

A big part of loving someone is accepting them completely.  Which includes the parts of them that can’t be there for you.  I have learned to love Handsome when he’s working, when he’s on a date, when he’s watching a movie.  Now I’ll admit, I’m a lot happier with him when he’s playing catch with me or kissing my tummy or throwing treats my way.  But as frustrating as it is, I have learned to love and accept and trust him the rest of the time too.

If there’s a lesson in this rough time for you, it sounds like you’re getting that same lesson right now.  And it’s a good one – you won’t believe how much happier you’ll be once you’ve grasped it!

Big face-licks,

Shirelle

ps: Though I’m still not cool with what your uncle said.  Maybe there’s a way for you to love him still, but I’d have to know more to encourage it.  For now, I’d just work on accepting and loving all the rest of these people.  And maybe avoiding him when you can.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

0 Falling for someone who’s helping you through recovery

wxyz asks – I can’t get a girl. In the beginning of college, I became addicted to meth. This burden took away everything from me. Distanced me from society, friends, family. Finally I realized, I was trying to give up. Fighting alone with myself, nobody to support. I stopped going to college. Everyone there mocking me, ignoring me. Then sitting in the dark, I got her, got a person to talk. She became my rehabilitation. Yes! I am rehabilitating, but also to make myself up to her. Going to classes, trying to study, trying to come back. She is there always from long distance, watching me in college: what I am doing, where I am going, am I smoking and also am I eye-contacting with her or not. Can I hear something from you for me and her? Yes, I remember you saying to remind myself that she’s not mine. Can I say that I am hers?

Hi wxyz –

May I start by saying… WOW!  I am so impressed!  I’ve never had crystal methamphetamine, what’s commonly called meth (I’m such a hyper pup, Handsome won’t even allow me to taste coffee!), but from what I hear it’s one of the most addictive substances ever invented.  So the fact that you’re rehabilitating… I can only bow to you and say GOOD JOB – KEEP IT UP!!!

I only know a little bit about what people go through when they try to get over an addiction, but one rule I’ve often heard is that they shouldn’t get into a new romantic relationship too soon – that the work they’re doing to get over the drug is too difficult for them to also handle the difficulties of a new love.

So I’m going to give you a strong suggestion.  I say you should Continue reading

0 How to react when someone a boyfriend or girlfriend gets close fast and then cuts you off fast

rohit1996 asks: Two weeks ago I started relationship with a girl. We talked everyday with messages and calls. I shared all my secrets with her, and she was also very friendly with me. But suddenly, I don’t know how, she stopped conversation with me. Even when I message her she says, “I have no mood to talking this time, we have to talk later,” and later she can’t reply to my message. This thing happened two or three times in the last two days. Now she isn’t replying to my message. What can I do now?

Hi rohit1996 –

As a dog, I’m very used to having a problem with time.  My human, Handsome, who I love more than life, will leave me at home in the morning.  And after an hour or so, I’m in a mix of terror that he’s never coming home and I’ll be locked in the yard forever, and awful grief at losing my beloved.  Then he’ll come home – in the afternoon, the same time as he almost always does, and I’ll go nuts!  I can’t control myself, barking, running in circles, and covering him in kisses.

Now the “hello” is great, but the hours before it are just awful.

So why am I telling you this?  Because you’re talking about a very short time.  You met this girl two weeks ago, and for two days she’s been very distant.  My friend, you’re worrying too much.  In fact, I know that, because you’re worrying like ME!

So my first bit of advice to you is to Continue reading

0 The different love languages

shxnamaria asks: I’ve been in a relationship for the past 6 months and he’s an amazing guy. It’s just that I’m the super popular party-going kind and he’s the exact opposite; a studious quiet introvert who’s prone to intense bouts of self-loathing. We each have had a failed relationship before this and that in fact brought us closer to each other. I had a boyfriend for 2.5 years and we broke up cause things were getting rough at home and also it was gonna end up being a long distance one. In his case, he was obsessed with a girl for a whole year only to realize that she was just using him to get over her on and off “slut phase.” I wear my heart on my sleeve and I love expressing my emotions regardless of who’s watching me or wherever I am. The fact that he chooses to push me away just cause “people are watching” hurts me. A lot in fact. And when I ask him for a kiss or a hug he makes up reasons to get over it. We live in a place where there’s 0 probability to get some much needed alone time, and all I’m asking if for a few stolen pecks, and he thinks that the physicality is the only driving force in our relationship. And he’s the kind of person who gets committed to a lot of things at the same time and leaves me hanging in the middle of nowhere. He doesn’t talk to me or spend time with me like he used to do. He calls me inconsiderate and selfish for asking for some time with him. I mean it’s reached a point where he doesn’t call or text me without me doing it first. He’s also ready to jump at it when I suggest a break. Like he’s been waiting for it for a long time. He’s also this kinda person who can shut me up with his arguments. I don’t know what to do. I just am stuck in a ditch. Should I take a break or just leave him and go? Or adjust with all this and live with a heavy heart?

Hi shxnamaria –

I can relate to both sides in this case, at least on the Public Displays of Affection issue.  I am an extremely enthusiastic in my affection, and love to jump on people and lick them all sorts of times when they don’t want me to.  On the other hand, I know what it’s like to be at the dog park, trying to look all independent and tough, and my human Handsome lifts me up in the air and starts kissing my nose and… well, it’s both irritating and humiliating. (Especially because I just loooove his kisses, and that makes it SO hard to look cool!)

So what to do about it?

Well, have you ever heard of the concept of Continue reading

0 Should you worry when your boyfriend or girlfriend gets friendly with their ex

My pack asks: I have been in a long distance relation with a guy for 2 years. We have a very healthy relationship. So, my problem is a girl. She is a part of the group of friends he also belongs to. They had a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship before I entered into his life. When our relation was new, they both again came close and I caught some messages on his phone and he confessed to me he kissed her. After this incident, they broke their friendship but since they both are a part of the same group they met in groups. My boyfriend and I broke up the past month for a few days and in that span of time they again became friends. I am insecure now. What should I do?

Hi My pack –

So I’ll admit I have a bias here – I tend not to like long-distance relationships, for just these reasons.  First, because it’s so hard for young people to remain faithful to someone they hardly ever see, and second, because it’s just about impossible to trust someone who’s so far away, and has other people around.

My friend, of course I have no idea what your boyfriend did or didn’t do with that girl, while you two were broken up.  But the fact that you two were broken up makes me question your statement that “we have a very healthy relationship.”

So here are my questions to you:  Will this Continue reading

0 How to set physical boundaries in a relationship

Spiky 401 asks: I just got into college, and immediately met this dude. It’s almost a month now, we started talked for sometime and decided to exchange numbers and see each other, but we didn’t because I had to visit my aunt at her house. After I got back to school we finally met and went out to a park. Nothing happened there, we went back to school, but not straight to the hostel, we strolled around the school and sat down in a quiet area. We talked about some things like family, entrepreneurship, school (he’d just graduated out of the same school). Then he asked me if I had dated before, I told him yes and that I would never like anyone the way I liked my ex. He asked me to tell him about my ex, which I did, and he promised to make me forget about him. From there he held my hand, stood up, and made me stand up. He hugged me real tight. It was shocking but comforting. From there, he picked me up from the ground – right that moment I thought he was gonna attack me but he didn’t, he dropped me and then he started to kiss me, I mean I have never kissed or hugged a dude but here he was kissing me. Every time I tried to pull away he stopped and hugged me until I got used to his lips on mine. I barely know the guy and I don’t feel that connection I had with my ex. But after the kiss I kept on recalling it and wanting to see him more. Please what do you advise I do, to be on the safe side without losing my innocence?

Hi Spiky 401 –

Well, my quick answer is that I want you to get a little more spiky, Spiky!

But here’s my long one.  First, I want you to go to AskShirelle.com, and search for a question asked by HarrietteS, and read it and my answer.

Have you read it?

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Have you read it all?

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Okay, Spiky 401, so your situation with this guy wasn’t exactly the same as mine with the bulldog.  But it’s actually close enough, in one regard: Both guys came from the belief that they could overpower us females into wanting what we said we didn’t want.  And this is SOOOOO WRONG!  I’m sure you’ve heard about the whole #MeToo movement going on; and while this guy only was kissing you and luckily not doing more, you are now a #MeToo-er, because he forced you into something you didn’t want!  I’m not saying to call the cops – he didn’t take it too far, thank goodness.  But he still took it farther than you wanted – and you were being very clear about your feelings.

Now it’s funny, when I started reading your letter, I thought I’d be getting onto your case about saying, or even believing, that you’d never again feel what you felt for your ex.  I think there’s a really great chance that you will feel as much, or even more, for someone someday.  But here’s the stupid thing about this new guy – he totally blew his chances of getting to be that someone!  Can you trust him now?  Are you going to let yourself feel things you can’t even imagine feeling, for him?  I really doubt it!  So by trying to be “super manly” and overpower your feelings, he just lost the chance to really win your love!  (At least most likely)

Now I realize you’re saying that you eventually liked the kissing, and it reminded you of your ex.  And that’s really nice.

So here’s what you’ve learned – you found out that you CAN feel that for someone else.  But do you really want it to be this guy?

And what this all leads up to is this advice:  I would be very happy if you Continue reading