Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 Should I choose the one I love who doesn’t pay attention to me, or the one who does who I don’t care for?

Stellababy asks: I have two guys in life, Mr. A and Mr. B. I really love Mr. A with all my life – anytime we meet I do have a great time with him – but unfortunately he doesn’t have time for me. He doesn’t call or chat with me, he’s always busy with his work… On the other hand Mr. B, whom I don’t love, cares for me and pays attention to anything that concerns me. What should I do? Continue to wait for Mr. A. the one my heart beats for, or should I pretend to love Mr. B?

Hi Stellababy  –

I need to give you two answers, based on two different possibilities.

One is that Mr. A loves and cares for you, but he just gets lost in his work.  If that’s the case, then your job is to let him know that he really needs to connect with you, or he’s going to lose you.  That you adore him, but need him to show his feelings more.

If this is the case, things will almost certainly get much better soon – although, sometime in the future, you’ll find you have to go through all this again.  He’s not a bad guy, but this is the way he tends to be.

A few years ago, my human Handsome was working on a big project, and was gone for about eighteen hours a day for three weeks.  He’d come home at night and collapse exhausted, and barely even pet me. And I just had to live with it, putting all my focus onto other things (luckily there were some rats in our neighbors’ yard who I got completely obsessed with!).  But his first day home, I was eager for some good attention.  And what did he do?  Oh, he sat on the floor with three weeks worth of mail, and focused completely on paperwork!  I was furious.  But what could I do about it?   Well, he had this white couch then, and would never let me get onto it.  So I just walked by him, stepped on his papers to get his attention, and climbed right up onto it, staring him in the eyes as I did.  He jumped up, yelled at me to get off it – and suddenly woke up to reality.  He left the paperwork there, and took me outside to play catch and run around together.

So if it’s this first situation, you just might need a white couch!

But if it’s the second?  If Mr. A. really doesn’t care about you, and isn’t interested?

If that’s the case, I have a thought.  Have you ever learned about Continue reading

0 When your boyfriend isn’t paying enough attention to you

Bubblegum asks: Presently I have a boyfriend and yes I love him a lot and he also loves me a lot. But the problem is that love is not enough. He never gives me time as he is a student of chemistry honors. Ok he is really busy I understand. But now I don’t know why even when he gets time he doesn’t text me. He never texts me on whatsapp. He told that he has some family problem, but he is always like that. Another boy is there he is really caring romantic and perfect and he even loves me a lot. But as I am in a relationship I can’t start a relationship with him. Yes maybe I also have a soft corner for him. But what can I do?

Hi Bubblegum –

I have a problem here.  I see this all the time with couples.  One member says “We never talk, he calls me maybe once a day,” and the other says “We talk all the time, at least once a day!”  So when you say “he never gives me time,” I wonder what that means.  It sounds like he doesn’t like texting, but is it truly that he’s not giving you time, or that the time he gives isn’t the amount you need?

The big difference between them is about his feelings.  If he adores you, and is giving you all the time he feels he can, then that’s one thing.  But if he’s using his studies as an excuse to avoid you, that’s something very different!

However, the solution is really the same.  You just need to Continue reading

0 How to mentally prepare for a marathon.

Cupcake11 asks: How to prepare yourself mentally for a marathon?

Hi Cupcake 11 –

As a general rule, we pups are sprinters, not long-distance runners.  Yes you might have read, or seen the movie, of Lassie Come Home, where an amazing dog travels countless miles to get to her home, but that’s not our usual story.  And she was walking!

So I need to consider what it would be like to run a marathon, and base it on the more difficult journeys of my life – like hospitalizations or training classes.

Of course, with a marathon, or Lassie’s journey, the most important issue is your physical strength.  Training has to focus on getting your knees and ankles and hamstrings and calves and toes and hips and everything else in you to be so strong they can handle an insanely long journey.

When it comes to the mental side of that training, I would say your big job is to focus your training on the fun side of it (how great it’ll feel to accomplish, and the joyous high one gets from continued exercise) instead of just avoiding failure and pain.  Either mindset will encourage you to train, but one sounds a lot more enjoyable, and makes the training a fun activity instead of a grueling assignment.

But besides the simple physical training, you’re absolutely right, there’s a mental training that’s also necessary, just to get through the long time that a marathon takes.  How do you keep from getting bored?  How do you keep from deciding you have other things to do?  I have no doubt that the easiest way to manage that is to train with others – whether one or two good friends or a big group.  First, being with them will keep you from thinking “No one can do this, I’m gonna quit,” but also they’ll give you someone to share the experience with, “I couldn’t believe it when we’d been sweltering in that heat and suddenly we got flooded with rain!”  And hopefully to have fun talking about, even bragging about, all you’ve done.

And third, I would say to Continue reading

0 Is it best to be strong or not?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle what do you think about strong people? Not masculine but strong as a person, who handles problems by themselves. I consider myself one of them. I tend to solve everything by myself, endure pain, adapt and fight. But I heard this quote, strong people will have a lot of damage when they fall or somewhat give up. Or does that depend on the person himself?

Hi PERFECTION –

Of course I want you as strong as you can be.  You’re a terrific person, I know from your letters, so the more you’re able to act on your values, the better the world will be (and the happier you will be).

And I suppose it’s true that the stronger a person is, the more others depend on them, so the more loss there is when they fail or lose heart.   But that’s no reason for them not to be out there doing their best.  Think of that super-hero rule, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  Okay, so take the responsibility and do some wonders!

After all, the “damage” that’s done, by their failing to do something good, is just that things go back to the way they’d be if that person had never done anything at all.

Just to pick three examples, Socrates, Jesus, and Gandhi all were enormously strong personalities, who were killed because of their strength.  And that meant that they weren’t able to do what they’d been doing before anymore.  But what they had done has affected the world enormously ever since.  (And of course, for those who believe, at least the second of those has been even more powerful since that death!).

And if you’re thinking, “Hey, I don’t mean THAT strong!  I mean, I’m nowhere near as great as they were!” then my response is simply… how do you know yet?!!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to win over someone from another country you’ve just met

Bizarre Mind asks: Recently a German delegation from Bavaria visited our school, and they came to attend some classes, so they also came to my class. We were then told to interact with them in groups. So, I was sorted with a girl. I do not look good, so I am very self-conscious. However, I talked to the Germans in my group very easily, since I happen to support a Bavarian football team. Many of them supported the same team. So I started the conversation with talking to the girl about that team. She knew about it since in Bavaria, there is a large football following. But she just knew basic information and wasn’t a very big fan. So I then talked to her about other things. It turned out that she also liked to watch films on Netflix, like I did. So we talked. And the next day, they came again to attend a period and again we were told to interact. But that day I didn’t talk too much, though still I took her Instagram account info. Then after some days, they left. Now the school got off for Diwali breaks, and I had thoughts about her. So I finally decided to text her. I told her that I missed the Germans, and she said she missed the Indians. Then she asked me if we knew each other, and I reminded her. Then she remembered and we texted. I told her that I might come to Munich next year after my finals, since I am in 10th grade right now. She is also in 10th grade. We both are 15. After I told her about my plan, she asked me to visit their school. I said sure! Shirelle, I really, really like her and I want to be closer to this girl. But, I am not confident because I am not good looking. I really need your help in approaching her. I will really appreciate it and would thank you for the rest of my life. Please help me.

Hi Bizarre Mind –

How exciting is this!  I love the idea of a romance between two completely different cultures – though I’m told both of your countries do make excellent beers!

I see two issues here.  First, it’s clear that you are more “into” her than she is about you, as you’ve been thinking about her all the time, and she didn’t remember you right away.  That’s not a terrible thing, but it is something to focus on.  And second, that you are worried you’re not good looking enough for her.

Well, my first suggestion is that you need to do something extremely difficult and careful – you need to stay in touch with her just enough for her to develop feelings for you (even just friendly feelings), but not so much that she pulls away.  I wish I could tell you just how to do this, but we dogs are really bad at such things, and often scare people we like away by running up and jumping on them.

But you do have a wonderful advantage: she’s interested in your culture.  So write her about your life, and ask her about hers.  What are the differences, what’s alike?  Can you listen to each other’s favorite music?  Can you talk about new movies?  I don’t even know – does Netflix show the same things in different countries?  All this is great.

But at the same time, I have a HUGE warning for you – keep yourself on a leash!  You want her to get interested in you, but she might well get a boyfriend over the next year, and I don’t want you devastated over something like this you could never control.  So, for now, go for friendship, and try to do other things for your social fun back in your home town for now.

Which leads to your second issue.  Now I don’t know what you Continue reading

0 What to do when your girlfriend wants a new boyfriend before committing to you

Delhiboy asks: I have a girlfriend. We have not broken up but you can say that we have taken a rest because she was frustrated from some people who were forcing her to break up with me from 8 months, and now we are just friends. She wanted me to focus on my study because I have boards and she is saying she will wait for me 3 months. Her love is true for me, but she has said clearly there is a 50 percent chance that she will get a new boyfriend as time passes, but she will not love him because that feeling comes only for one person and that feeling is for me. When my exams are going to be over she will tell him that she is going to propose to me and she will breakup with that guy and accept my proposal because she wants to marry me only an she only loves me only. So what should I do?

Hi Delhiboy –

This is one of the most unique questions I’ve ever gotten.  If I understand correctly, this girl is in love with you, but wants to give you space to focus on your board exams for the next three months.  But she also wants to try to have a boyfriend during that time, who she’d break up with once your exams are over, so she can marry you!  Do I have this right?

If so, my mind goes two ways at once.  First, that she’s just having a fantasy, that she’s in love with you and she’s going to spend those months doing other things, but she likes to imagine that she’ll have this whirlwind affair and break a guy’s heart just for the fun of it.

Or, second, that she really would do it.  Which would make me wonder just what sort of human she is – being willing to treat you so casually, and treat him so cruelly.

And meanwhile, just as you ask – what should you do?!

Well, I’m inclined to suggest something, but you might not like it.  My idea is that you Continue reading

0 How to appear confident when you don’t feel it.

Spiky 401 asks: I don’t know how to be confident around the boy I like. I’m confident in many ways, but I’m a nervous wreck around him. Please tell me what to do.

Hi Spiky 401 –

Fake it!

Have you ever seen a little dog take on a big dog like me?  They know perfectly well that they would lose a fight in a second, but they come at me, growling and barking, showing their teeth… and usually we big dogs back down.  Not because we think we’d lose the fight, but because it’s not worth it to us to get into it – that little dog is going to hurt us before we win!

I want you to get some of what those little dogs have.  I don’t want you snarling and barking, of course, but I do want you to pretend to be confident.  What do you think a confident woman looks like?  Standing tall?  Talking quietly and slowly?  Turning away with a half-smile when she’s done talking?  Maybe giving mild insults to the person who knows she’s interested?

I like all those, but you might have a different idea.  Whatever it is, you CAN do it.  What you can’t do, yet, is do it naturally.  So you need to fake it a little.  Or a lot!

If you meet with this guy in person, just act that way that seems confident to you, and you’ll be amazed to see you’ll actually feel more confident too, just from acting that way.

And if you get into a texting conversation with him, take your Continue reading

0 When and how to tell someone you love them

PERFECTION asks: Right now I have this never ending urge, to let this girl I love feel I truly love her, to let her know I am here for her. Sometimes I think am I pushing things too fast. But I can’t stop my feelings from growing and showing my love to her. Is it normal to feel that way? And would it be a good idea if I were to tell her today or someday that “I love her,” or should I just let my actions speak for themselves?

Hi PERFECTION –

This is one of those issues where we dogs just have to roll our eyes a bit, and remember that we love you humans.  Because we just don’t get it!  We jump on people and dogs we’ve just met and shower them with love, and let them know that we’re crazy about them – at least for that second – and don’t know how to be any other way.

And we always like being told that we’re loved too!  Even dogs who’ve been abused, and can’t have people run up and hug them, love getting that love in milder ways (like kind words or treats!).

But you guys are different.  Humans can get scared from someone saying they love you, and feel pressured or misunderstood.  So your question is legitimate and smart.  And very hard to answer.

Because the answer is all about HER.  Just as I love getting hugs at first sight, and my friend Aria screams in terror if someone tries that, I don’t know what this wonderful lady tolerates or hopes for.

So I think your job is to find out more about Continue reading

0 Should one date someone older?

Cielo asks: Is it okay to date a man older than me by 11 years?

Hi Cielo –

I have two different answers to your question.  The first is, in many places, a legal one.  At least where I live, it’s actually against the law for someone under eighteen years of age to have any sort of sexual contact with someone that much older than them.  And while you’re only asking about dating, I know you humans, and one thing often leads to another…!  So when you ask if it’s “okay,” in this regard it’s definitely not.  (Though of course I have no idea how old you are; if you’re even eighteen years and five minutes, then it’s just fine legally).

But my second answer comes more from the idea of “okay” meaning “a good idea.”  And here, I’m going to get way more mathematical than dogs usually do!

Let’s say that a person usually isn’t really interested in “dating,” in the sense of romance that can lead to something physical or committed, until they’re at least twelve years old (I realize that might not always be true, but just for the sake of argument, I’ll pick that number).  So a thirteen-year-old boy is just one-year-old as a “Dater.”  Does that make sense?

What I’m getting at is that we don’t want to have too gigantic an age difference in a romance, in terms of “dating years.”  I’m going to suggest we try to keep it to Continue reading

0 How to choose between the unloving person you’re more drawn to and the loving one you’re not.

Baby girl asks: I’m already engaged to a man, and had a child with him, but I’m really in love with another guy, who doesn’t love me as I do him, though it seems he is not capable to love. Despite the new guy’s promise to love me, to care for me and to marry me in two years, his actions don’t match his sweet words. He used to hurt me often, tells me it’s over between us and then comes back to me for apologies again. He seems to talk without thinking of my emotions. And I don’t think I can live without this guy! Please advise me what can I do to make him love me, and what can I about to the other guy whose daughter I have.

Hi Baby girl –

So I have to admit, my mind first goes to two people here – this fiancée of yours, and the child you two have.  While I’m all for the joys of love, I don’t see you thinking much about how all this will affect them.  And how it would be for you to leave your daughter, or have to share her with him.

But even if it weren’t for those issues, I’m very concerned about this new guy.  There’s an old line “Actions speak louder than words.”  That means that people show who they truly are by what they do, not what they say.  And this guy is showing a lot of things that are just rotten!  So much so that I can imagine a lot of readers here saying “What in the world does she want him for?!”

Well, I have a thought.  Have you ever learned about Behavioral Psychology?  That’s the stuff where they put a rat or a dog in a cage, and train it to do things by feeding or shocking it?  One thing they’ve learned well is that an animal will do what you want a lot of the time if you always reward it in a nice way for the behavior you want, and punish it for the behavior you don’t want; but it will do what you want much more if you DON’T always reward them, if you get them a little crazed.  This is why slot machines do so well at gambling casinos – people will spend hours, and all their money, trying to get a jackpot out of a box that only occasionally gives them anything back!

Well it sounds to me like this guy has mastered this.  He leaves you, hurts you, then comes back, and you’re here saying you can’t live without him.

My friend, I’m here to tell you… Continue reading