Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to move from hookup to dating

Free asks: So I met this guy a few months back, but became friends with him 1 month ago because he shifted into my line, and all the other people and he became friends. And now we all are good friends – he doesn’t really open up to those people but does open up to me, coz I started liking him since the time he moved in (he doesn’t know it). But then I messaged him one day, and we met outside. No one knew. We started doing it more and more. One day he offered to hookup. I said yes cause I really liked him. Since them it’s been 5-6 times I’ve hooked up with him. I told him I’ve started to have feelings for him, and he said he wants to know more, but then I forgot to raise the issue again. Now since we’re hooking up nowadays (no one knows whenever we hookup), he makes this cute gesture every time, and I love it. He’s cute all the time! I want to date him, but he says that he doesn’t think something like dating can happen between us, probably because he’s a high school guy and 2 elder to me. So how do I turn him to like me in that manner that he dates me?

Hi Free –

So this is right where we dogs tend to get confused.  When I tell you what I do with people or other dogs, it’s very straightforward – I might jump on one person and lick their face, or I bite another person in the leg.  And I might growl and bark at a dog, or jump on them and play-fight for hours, or just sniff their butt and be satisfied and walk away from them.  (And there’s something else that I might have really liked to do with a male dog, but because I was spayed at six months old, I never go into heat, and so that won’t ever happen)

Now you humans have all these words you use that sort-of tell what you’re doing.  Words like “hook up,” and “date.”  Now to my mind, “hook up” can mean to just meet or talk, but clearly you mean more.  I do hear it often used to mean kissing and hugging and such… where all clothes stay on but you’re acting out your affection and desire.  Is that what you mean by it?

And “date” can mean a number of things, but I’m guessing you mean for him to actually take you out in public and go do things together, like see movies or have dinners.  And thereby, to be more “official” in your relationship.

I’m asking all this because I want to make sure you know what I mean.  Especially if I’m misunderstanding you!

But if I have this right, this guy and you are having this fun experience of secretly sneaking out when you’re with friends, and kissing and such.  But when you said you’d like to actually go out on dates, he said no because he’s too much older than you.

Is that correct?

Well, if so, I really only have a couple of comments.  First, the

0 How to make a relationship last

samzy asks: I need steps and advice to build a good relationship with a new girlfriend to make it successful

Hi samzy –

CONGRATULATIONS!  That’s great news!  New romance is the BEST!

And yet…

It’s funny, I’ve never been asked exactly this before.  I get a lot of questions about aspects of relationships, but not a simple broad “how to build a good one” like this.  And I like the question, but I think the answer is in all those others. 

Because no two relationships are ever exactly alike.

In some, you need to figure out how to build trust so the other person won’t suspect things about you all the time.  While in others, you need to figure out ways to deal with your suspicions about them.

In some, you need to learn how to give them enough space to not feel crowded, while in others, you need to learn how to lovingly demand space for yourself.

In some, you need to deal with the other person wanting more physical intimacy than you’re comfortable with, while in others you need to learn how to tolerate their need for moving more slowly than you’d like.

So really, the biggest advice I can give is three things, each of which is always true.

First, always work on

0 How to help a grieving friend

Chica asks: I was really working on myself this past month. I made progress. I gave my final semester and was feeling really good about everything. I am also planning on changing my diet and I have been going to the gym regularly. But there is this one thing that bothers me a lot. One of my friend’s mom is suffering from cancer. It was detected 6 months ago, but she never told anything about it to anyone. A few days ago she texted my another friend and told her everything, as their families are kinda close. She also told her to inform me about her mom’s condition as she can’t go through that pain of informing people again and again. I was numb. I was so shocked and I am really worried about her. We were not exactly close and we weren’t talking much these past few months. I feel really guilty because I was unable to see her sadness under her happy facade. She always seemed calm and content in school. One could never imagine that such things have happened. Shirelle I finally gained courage and spoke to her today. The moment I heard her voice, I knew she was completely broken from inside. I didn’t know what to say except “I am here for you, always” and “You have to stay strong around your mother, you have to be her strength.” She cried for a few minutes. But somewhere I was out of words. I told her that I am here whenever you need me. I asked her if she wants to vent or cry some more, or wants to stay silent. She said she wants to hang up and stay alone for a while. I understood and told her again that I am one call away. Shirelle I don’t know how to face her. It’s a really really difficult phase for her. I can’t even imagine the amount of pain she feels. I really want to be there for her. But I don’t know how I should approach her. Whether I should check on her every few days, take her out so that she relaxes, and also I don’t know what is the right thing to say to her, or is it right to just listen and not to say anything. I am really really worried about her and her mother. Please tell me how I should talk to her because I am afraid of saying anything that would add up to her pain or make her feel worse.

Hi Chica –

Oh I love your heart!  And I imagine your friend and her mother both do too.

I find that there are three, or I guess four, ways humans show emotion.  The one I wasn’t thinking of was to just show nothing at all, to be “too cool.”  But then there’s cruel emotion, showing anger or hatred; there’s politeness, expressing perhaps more emotion than you actually feel (“I’m so very pleased to meet you!”); and then there’s real love.

And the thing about real love – even for us dogs (who never even consider being “too cool”) – is that it always feels like more than you can express. 

When Handsome comes home after a long day, I go nuts.  I bark like crazy, run in circles, jump all over him, and sniff and lick every bit of him I can get to.  And do I feel like I’ve told him exactly how much I’ve missed him through the day, how happy I am to see him, and how excited I am about what might happen now that he’s home?

No way! 

But you know the funny thing?  He still picks up on all of those.  My being so overwhelmed with emotion I can’t find the way to adequately express it tells him exactly what I’m feeling.

And when he looks at me and tries to put his feelings into words, and gets all tongue-tied, ending up just saying “Oh Knucklehead it’s just more than I can say, you’re just the best thing ever and more,”  I feel his love and his frustration, and know I am as loved as loved can be.

So Chica, I think you’re just fine.  I think you’ve said exactly the right words to your friend, and more importantly, you’ve let her know that there are no words that can possibly express your shock and horror and sadness – which really means your love.

As you live longer, you’ll experience this more often.  You’ll feel shocked sadness like this, you’ll feel overwhelming adoration like what Handsome and I have, you’ll experience romantic love, which is maybe even harder to express, and you’ll feel devastating grief at loss, so painful you’ll feel you’ll never be able to get past it.  And every time you’ll believe that no one could possibly know what you’re feeling – but somehow they will.

How?

Because of something humans and dogs share, called

0 Should you go to the school you want to, even if your crush is there and might suspect your reason?

tinamv asks: This is kind of silly but I really want to do musical theatre classes, but the only good school in my area is the same one that my crush goes to, and I don’t want him to think I’m following him or anything because (embarrassingly) he already knows I like him. What should I do? Should I go anyway and ignore if he says anything? He and I are friends now, and I don’t want to like do anything to make him feel awkward. It’s very nerve-wracking.

Hi tinamv –

         I find your question kind of funny, because I think you’re hitting on the two things that most terrify my Pack members – performing and approaching crushes.  Both make humans incredibly self-conscious.  And you’re kind of  talking about dealing with both.

         With two exceptions.

         First, you seem to like  performing.  You’re not being forced by a teacher to get up and sing in a chorus, you’re looking at having spotlights on you while you act, sing, and dance!  In this regard, you are FEARLESS!

         And second, as far as your crush goes, the ‘damage’ is already done.  He already knows you like him.  You’re even friends.

         So you’ve already done the two hardest parts of this.

         The only part left is the goofy self-consciousness all humans are prone to, where you’re imagining the way someone else will think.  And literally considering changing your entire life plan, and giving up on your great dream, because of the possibility your imagination of his thinking might be right!

         So, tinamv, do you know what the word mantra means?  It’s a special word that people repeat over and over, mainly in meditation.  Often it’s in an ancient language like Sanskrit, but you can probably imagine the effect it would have on a person’s mind and spirit if they repeat a word that means “Love” or “Holy” or “Goodness” over and over again for hours a day.  Right?

         Well I’m giving you a mantra.  Just for now.  Are you ready?  Here it is:

0 What to do when someone breaks up with you because they lost feelings for you

Aadarsh asks: I’m in love with this girl. We were in a relationship for the past year. Everything was going fine until last month she said that she wanted to break up with me, saying that she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. What should I do? How can I win her back? I really love her and want to be with her. We have our mentality differences and we used to argue sometimes, but it was never a big issue. She used to always be busy, so I used to nag her to give me time. Could the nagging be the reason behind the loss of her affection towards me?

Hi Aadarsh –

My friend, I am so very very sorry.  I know just how painful this is, because I saw my human friend Handsome go through just his a few years ago.  In his case, in fact, the woman was a bit more clear – she told him “I’m leaving because I can’t stand the fact that you’re perfect for me and I feel nothing for you!”

Before that, any time anyone broke up with him, he’d know something that was wrong.  Maybe it was something he could fix, or maybe it was just something about him that he couldn’t.  But with this one, his head spun for months – how could he be right for her and she feel nothing?  What was his problem?!?!

And there never was a good answer.  Except one – that the Continue reading

0 Should you tell your baby’s father’s family about it?

Cocohh asks: I am 7 months pregnant from an ex of mine who wants nothing to do with me or the baby. Can or should I tell his parents about the pregnancy instead? I could use a little support. Also I have grown up without my father or his family in my life. I would like my child to have both sides of her family in her life. Also, I have a cousin who is claiming to other people that she has a baby from my ex. I am confused as to whether she’s telling the truth or lying, because she was married all along to another guy, and now she is broken up from him and back at her mother’s home. I am so in shock and confused as to what I can do about this. Maybe I should just let sleeping dogs lie?

Hi Cocohh –

So okay, I have to start with your final question.  I soooo appreciate people who let sleeping dogs lie.  I’m always snoozing away on the bed next to Handsome, and he’ll roll over and just about tumble me off onto the floor, or he’ll reach over on purpose and give me a scratch or a snuggle, and I really love those things but not if I was right in the middle of a dream where I was catching up to an antelope and about to jump on it and…

Oh wait, you’re not asking about that literally, are you?  You meant to ask if you should just let everything be…?

NO WAY!

My friend, I’m sorry your relationship broke up, but at one point it was there, and this guy chose to do what he did, and yes, there are consequences to our actions.  If I steal a piece of pie off of my human’s plate, I’m going to get yelled at and sent outside.  And he did what he did that resulted in your pregnancy, and, while he doesn’t have to stay with you, he DOES owe you help – at least financial – in raising that baby.

So if he’s playing some game of “I broke up with you so I don’t have to have any relationship with you or her,” I don’t see any reason in the world why you have to respect it.

Or Continue reading

0 How to keep someone

dasalujr asks: What does it take for a woman to keep a man and not lose him?

Hi dalalujr –

This is so funny.  I have answered over a thousand questions on this website, and I think you’re the first person to ever ask me this.  I get tons of questions on how to win someone, or asking whether or not they should stay – but never about how to keep someone once you have them!

Of course, there’s no single all-around answer.  Some men like being treated some ways, and some like others.  And some people are just dog-like in their loyalty, very happy to stay with the people to whom they’re committed, while some are more like lone wolves, almost impossible to keep around.

But there are a few universal truths I’ve seen, on how to keep a man (or a woman) in a Continue reading

0 Is it right to stay with someone when you’re not expected to live as long

GREED asks: My Girlfriend has a heart problem. She says that it would be a waste for me to stay with her, because she can’t trust her health, or might die young. She says that I am the only son in the family, so I should find someone better. I told her “in times of sour or in times of sweet we will have it together.” What does she want or mean? And what should I do? How to deal with her?

Hi GREED –

My friend, if any member of my pack has a name less fitting than yours, I’m not sure who that’d be.  Any woman, and likely any man, who reads your letter is just going to melt, and wish they had someone in their life who loved them as unconditionally and beautifully as you love your girlfriend.  I’m going to declare you an honorary DOG – your love is just that perfect!!

Humans are innately subject to self-esteem problems, and while most people suffer for sillier reasons (“I’m not good looking enough,” “I’m not rich enough,” “I’m not popular enough”), your girlfriend has a devastating one: she has, possibly, a low expectancy for the length of her life.  I can’t imagine how awful that must be.

And she is being kind.  She feels you deserve a woman who can live with you for your lifetime, who can be counted on to raise children with you, who can be a help to you and not just the other way.  She doesn’t feel worthy of you.  And that is beautiful, and heartbreaking.

So you want advice?  I’ll give it straight here to you:  I want you to Continue reading

0 How to deal with double-standards

Jhalli asks: If a girl changes her boyfriend in a particular time to find someone better for her life, but doesn’t find him – and approximately she changes her boyfriend more than 5 times? One day 2 or 3 boys out of them say that that girl is characterless, or a girl who slept with every boy and changed to another when she was satisfied, or they blackmail her with her photo and their chat. In this case, who is wrong – those boys or the girl? If the girl then why, and in that case, which path or step is right for her to follow? And if both then why?

Hi Jhalli –

Do you know the term “Double-Standard?”  It means when a person has (or a lot of people have) the view that some people need to follow one rule in life, but others don’t.   At its most extreme it’s the definition of oppression (one race can drink out of these water fountains but others can’t; one race has the right to walk freely on the street but this race can’t!).  But today it’s usually more subtle.

What you’re dealing with is, of course, not as awful as the sort of oppression a bad government might do, but, in a social context, just INSANE.

I have no argument with those who believe that people should stay completely innocent till they marry.  If that’s the way they want to live, that’s fine.  But to say that men can run around and date whoever they want but women have to only be with one man their whole life – that’s cruel.

I’ll admit it probably made sense a while ago, when women had less control over their own bodies, and there was literally the problem where, if a woman got close to more than one man, she might find herself with a baby with an unknown father!  Okay.  But today you have LOTS of ways to keep that from happening, and just going out to dinner with two, or five, different guys, isn’t going to create any big problem!

I’m not saying that these boys mean to Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone mired in shame

Mrs.Hinn asks: I’m in a very healthy and loving relationship, and I love my boyfriend more than anyone does. His childhood wasn’t as good as one would want it to be. He has faced tonnes of comparisons & embarrassments by his own family members. They have been straight out rude & ruthless towards him. Each time he talks about it, I listen & guarantee him that I’ll always have his back no matter what. I, myself, am a very short tempered person. I cannot identify the reason for my sadness sometimes & blast out on everybody for no reason. It has happened a couple of times with my boyfriend. He thinks it’s because of him, when it’s actually not. End of the day, he apologizes for no reason and complains about how much of a burden he is to his family and everyone else too. This just kindles my anger even more, his convos regarding this are sadly narcissistic & always end up about him. I really don’t know how to react, I get migraines at times, unable to withstand his self-absorption. Please help!

Hi Mrs.Hinn –

You are touching on something very profound that most people – most psychologists even! – don’t realize.

This is that Shame (the quality humans have of believing the worst about themselves, usually worthlessness, unlovability, etc.) is closely related to Narcissism (seeing all issues in life as about oneself).  Now sure, we usually picture Narcissism as bragging, believing oneself is perfect or better than anyone else.  But it’s only a slight jump from that to believing that oneself is the worst, and less than anyone else.  Both are really part of the same problem.

You’re also seeing the cause – it sounds like your boyfriend’s family really did a number on him.  See, when that happens to us dogs, we just get frightened and untrusting.  We don’t have the same sense-of-self you humans do, so we never interpret these bad acts as being because something’s wrong with us; we just start thinking everyone’s mean!

And of course, when you get angry at, or push away, a person who thinks they’re unworthy of love, they’ll just interpret that as proof that they’re right!  So what can you do?!

Well… it takes patience!

While I’m a huge fan of psychotherapy, and think it would be GREAT for your boyfriend to find a good therapist and start digging through this junk, there’s one big thing you can do too.  And that’s to consistently remind him that you exist.

What?!  What did I Continue reading