Category Archives for "Featured Questions"

0 How to figure out what people who avoid compliments really feel

Wretched asks: I jwant to know your thoughts about my crush’s reply to my confession. I didn’t get it and I don’t know what to reply. So I’m asking you if I have been rejected. My confession started with “I like you” and I followed it with the reasons why. I told him I was thankful for him because he helped me heal through his Godly posts. His reply was, “All glory goes to God and I merely relayed God’s messages.” Now I am confused with how to respond to that.

Hi Wretched –

This is a funny situation.  You know, my human friend Handsome, who I think is just the greatest thing in shoes?  Well he has this problem, where when someone gives him a big compliment, he’ll often give a trick answer, to avoid it.  He likes hearing them, but they often make him uncomfortable.  So someone will say they like the outfit he’s wearing, and he’ll comment on how much better it would look on a better-looking guy.  Or they compliment something he’s said as smart, and he’ll say “yeah, well even a broken clock is right twice a day.”  Or they’ll say he’s got deep wisdom and a great soul… when he ALWAYS says, “any of that is completely due to what I’ve learned from Shirelle.”

The reason I’m saying all this is that I truly don’t know what your crush is feeling or thinking.  He may be a man who believes deeply that all honor on him belongs to God, and it’s his way of expressing faith to say so at every opportunity.  Or he may (more like Handsome) just be a bit embarrassed, and even if he feels the same way toward you that you feel toward him, retreated into his statement about God.

Or it could be that he is trying to let you down easy.

I have NO IDEA. 

In fact, is it even possible that he didn’t fully understand  what you said, and really thought you were just thanking and complimenting him for his help?

Sadly I think the truth is we know nothing.  And can’t unless he says something more.

Is there a way for you to get a little more information out of him?  Even just find out about what he likes or finds attractive in others?  (I find people can get a lot of information about that by asking about movies and TV shows and music.  “What movie stars do you like?”  If you could be with any character on TV, who would it be?”)

Because right now, I’m as unknowing as you! And by the way, I have no problem acknowledging, I’m REALLY SMART!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should couples stay together when they know they don’t have a future with each other?

Chdeep asks:

What to do when you love each other but there is no future?
Break up or stay together as long as possible?

Hi Chdeep –

This is SOOO difficult, and there’s no answer that’s always correct for everyone.  The one advice I can give on this is that the two of you need to discuss this issue, openly, with each other.  And be totally honest.

Let’s say you two agree that it’s fun right now, and so you’d like to keep things going until a particular point, and then move on.  As long as you don’t do anything that will make you responsible later (such as create a child!), that can work fine, and you can look back on each other with great appreciation as the years go by.

Or let’s say you two agree that it’s too painful to stay together when you agree there’s no future, so you break up to protect each other from higher pain.  Okay, again, you can appreciate each other for the rest of your lives.

But what if one of you feels “let’s keep it while it’s fun” and the other says “I have to protect myself from pain.”  Then, I know it’s disappointing, but I think you have to go with what the second one says.  Better to miss out on some fun than to cause deep pain to someone you like or love.

But if you’re not open about it, if you’re not honest with yourselves and each other, then someone is likely to get REALLY hurt, and feel betrayed.  And then, instead of appreciating each other forever, you’ll have to live with suspicion and resentment.  Yucch.

Look, we dogs know the bad news; we don’t live as long as you humans.  So we always are in relationships with “no future,” as we know our people are very likely to live on after we’re gone.  And that’s always really sad for both of us.  But there’s never a resentment over it – no person feels betrayed or abandoned by us when we go.  And we’re able to give each other so much love and joy while we’re both still around.

So talk with each other, and be kind for each other.   And that will make whatever you decide the right choice.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should men or women initiate conversations?

PERFECTION asks:  Will it kill women to chat to men first? Is it that hard?  Is that really how it should be?  I have someone that I currently have been chatting with, and I always am the one to reach out first. Does that mean anything? I mean, could it be a sign that she’s not interested in me? What do you think I should do??

Hi PERFECTION –

This is yet another one of those cases where we dogs are so different from you!  We like to be the first to start conversations.  That way we can try to set the situation, whether it’ll be playing, fighting, or avoiding.  And I love running up to people I like and jumping on them, licking their faces, all that.  Why would I want to wait for them?!

But I know, you guys see things differently, and start to feel disrespected or unwanted when someone else isn’t initiating your contact at least part of the time.

So you ask if it’s hard to do?  No.

But then you ask if it means anything.  And with that, I’m not so sure.  Humans have many different and complex agendas.  So is she trying to let you down easily, in a not-so-hurtful way?  Or is she playing by some rule-book that says the woman should wait for the man to initiate contact so she doesn’t seem easy and not worth the effort?  Or is she just busy a lot, or does she lack a certain set of manners?!

I have no idea!

But you have every right to ask her.  Maybe in a more polite tone than you presented to me, though!!  Something more like “Hey I’m noticing I’m always the one initiating our chats.  Is there something I should be picking up from this?  Would you rather I didn’t reach out as much?”  And if she says “Oh my God, no!  Please keep reaching out, you’re the highlight of my every day!” then I think you’re in pretty good shape.  Or if she says “Well I’m busy a lot of the time, and you keep interrupting me while I’m in other conversations with guys,” then that says something else!

I fully understand that you don’t want to come off as weak or begging.  But to, from a place of strength and confidence, ask if there’s a reason for it… I think that ought to be fine.

Or actually, here’s what I really believe: if she’s interested in you, then the question will be fine and she’ll let you know it (and probably be complimented at your interest).  But if she’s not, she might find it annoying.  And either one will tell you what you need to know.

Here’s Hoping for the Best!

Shirelle

0 How to get your husband and his family to treat you better.

Pritzel asks:

I got married recently, an arranged marriage. I am suffering from, let’s call it “manic introversion.” I don’t know the exact term it goes by, but you get the idea, right? His family is old fashioned and full of nitpickers and I’m extremely sensitive to those people. I am utterly incapable of confronting such people, so my only tactic is evasion. I am otherwise bright making steady progress towards building a career for myself, but this marriage shattered all my dreams. In the one year since we got married, I slowly gave into all the terms of arranged marriage. I have one final request – staying away from his family until I am ready to meet them one day. Complete avoidance. Is it wrong? Most of the time he is good to me, but when we fight about it, it sends me down a vortex of depression. He breaks stuff and manhandles me when I refuse to budge and go meet his relatives. What am I supposed to do?

Hi Pritzel –

Okay, I have to start with one issue, before I answer your question.  As a dog I’m very sensitive to the concept of “manhandling.”  When my human friend, Handsome, handles me, it’s either to do something nice (petting, hugging, or playing), or to protect me (grabbing me as I walk into a street, or stopping me from getting into a fight).  But when you talk about your husband manhandling you in anger, I get very concerned.  It makes me think of my friend Aria, who was grabbed and beaten when she was younger, and so still today, living in a happy loving home, will scream out and snap when someone reaches to the back of her neck – which is always out of wanting to pet her!  It’s so sad, and for those people, scary!

So I don’t like this at all.  Every couple has differences and arguments, but I want him to STOP TREATING YOU ROUGHLY RIGHT AWAY!  I don’t know what resources you have, but I’d love it if you could threaten him in some way, like “If you hurt me again, I’m going to go stay with my parents” or even “If you grab me like that again, I’m going to have my big brother come talk with you about it!”  I know I’d love to be in the room and come at him with all my teeth bared – and I’ll bet that’d be all I’d need to do!  Not even nip him, just give him a little scare, and then leave you two to work out this difficult situation in a fairer, safer manner.

But on to your question.  You’re suffering from his family being excessively judgmental, it seems.  I’m not sure what you mean by giving in to “all the terms of arranged marriage,” or how it’s shattered all your dreams, but I sure do know that no one likes feeling judged like that.  And you really have no say in it; you’re the new wife, wanting to be liked and accepted, and his family, who chose you, or at least agreed to you, are making that hard or impossible for you.

I can mainly think of two solutions to this.  First would be if you could get your husband to stick up for you.  I don’t mean for him to abandon his family, but could he just be strong and say to them, “Mother, you need to treat Pritzel better.  She’s my wife, and the way you act toward her is an insult to me.”  Or “Aunt, you’re being unfair to Pritzel, and making our family look bad to her.  I’ve been trying to make her happy, but you’re making her feel like she doesn’t even want to be around you.”  Or just, “Brother, cool it!”  Him doing this would not only help you out, but build his confidence as well, making him feel some power in his family structure.

But second, if he’s unable or unwilling to do those (or even if he does do them), is there one member of his family you feel is more on your side?  Maybe his sister or his aunt?  Who you could talk with, away from the others, and get to support you more?  I’m thinking something like “Hey sister-in-law, you’re always so nice to me, and I just need to talk with you because I need some help when the other family members are being harsh!”  Is there someone you feel this way toward?  You see, if you can get just one of them on your side, that’s usually enough to make the difference. 

And of course I’d love you to get your confidence built up anyway, as it’s clear you’ll need that for dealing with all of these folks.  So please feel free to write me anytime, even for just a supportive tail-wag and bark.  But anything else you can do to feel stronger is going to be great too.

Marriage ought to make your life better, my friend.  I hope there’s a way to make that happen.  Let’s see what we can do!

All my very best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you catch your teenager drinking

recmmc asks: I was putting something away in my 12-year-old daughter’s room, and I saw half- hidden water bottles, three of them with alcohol in them, and two shot glasses. I don’t know how to confront her regarding this and proper discipline.

Hi recmmc –

As frightening as this has to have been for you, I can assure you it’s as common as fleas on my tummy in summer.  Normally this will happen a year or two later than twelve years old, but your daughter may just be an “early bloomer.”  I’m going to guess that two things are going on here.

First of all, she is doing the natural experimentation teenagers do.  She’s trying out something that’s always been forbidden, attempting to act older than she is, and very likely doing it with a friend or friends, which makes it even more exciting and meaningful to her.

On the other hand, she has done it in a clumsy way – leaving the evidence right out there for you to find, which tells me she was absolutely planning (maybe unconsciously) for you to catch her.

My suggestion to you would be to respond to it, but in a very “cool” way.  She’s broken a rule, and there needs to be some sort of consequence, but as of now there’s no sign that she’s approaching alcoholism or anything like that.  You just want to let her know you’re in charge.

Part of being a teenager is testing boundaries, especially with parents and their rules.  The world is telling them every day to be more adult, and also stay a child.  So they need to figure out what are real boundaries and what aren’t.  It sounds to me like she’s doing just that. 

The funny part about this is that somewhere, deep-down, most teens in situations like this are actually hoping their parents set strong boundaries.  They need to feel what their real limits are so they can grow within them. 

But also there might be a cry-for-attention going on here.  I remember once, my human friend Handsome was working on a big project, and was gone pretty much all day every day for a few weeks, just coming home at night to sleep.  I amused myself by focusing on birds and squirrels, and some rats that would come over from our neighbor’s house, but I missed him and his attention horribly. 

Finally, one day he didn’t leave.  He had the day off and went about spending it at home, very happily.  And what did he do with that time?  He got the huge pile of mail that had accumulated and set to working on it, reading letters, paying bills, all that sort of stuff.  Well I was furious – I’d been patient all this time, and now that he was free he was going to look at papers?!  So I, very carefully, watching him to catch his eye, started walking around his white couch, which I wasn’t allowed onto.  And once he glanced up, I climbed right onto it, staring him in the eye the entire time!  Well of course he jumped up and yelled at me.  But he also, at that moment, realized what I was doing and why.  And so once he got me off the couch, he took me outdoors and started playing catch with me, which gave me exactly what I needed.

So again, my friend, my suggestion is to simply confront your daughter, and give her some small consequence for breaking the rules, and see if that’s enough.  And maybe, depending on your own views on this issue, you might offer to let her have a sip of wine or beer next time you have some – to let her know that, while the rules still apply, you also recognize that she is starting to grow into an adult.  (But that last part isn’t necessary unless it feels completely right to you).

Now if you do this and she does it again, or you see bigger problems, then please write me again, as that’s a very different story.  But for now, cool and clear will probably work just right.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your girlfriend feels ignored and wants to break up

Prince2411 asks:

I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for five years, and we’ve been through a lot in these years. Only, recently, she’s been a little different and always mentions separation as our only option for problems that are solvable. I have some academic backlog and I’m working on that, but upon looking at her friends who are successful now and getting engaged, she feels left out. She loves me but this does affect her.  She extends really small and petty issues and, as mentioned, always resorts to a break up as the last option. I love her and she loves me but I don’t know why she does this. How do I fix this? How do I save this relationship? My parents love her too. Please help.

Hi Prince2411 –

It sounds to me like you’re dealing with one major issue here – her doubt.  If she felt secure in you, and in your relationship, she’d be saying different things. 

She’d likely be bothered by, and complaining about, the same things she is now, but she’d be, like you, looking for ways to fix them, instead of saying there’s no way to do so.

Now it could be that she’s just not as interested in the relationship as you’d like her to be.  That one’s a sad situation, and one that’s best for both of you to move on from as soon (and as kindly) as possible.

But my guess is that that’s not it.  I’m struck by the things you say about your studies, and her engaged friends.  And I’m wondering if she just needs to know how important she is to you.  Not just that she’s your girlfriend, but what your intentions are, and what she means to you.

I know that my human friend Handsome loves me.  He says so every day, and shows it in many ways.  But sometimes, when he’s really involved in work or a relationship, I feel like I’m a lower priority to him, and that feels awful.  Sometimes he just comes around on his own and shows me how much I mean to him, but  other times I really need to force it out of him (my favorite method is to climb onto the forbidden couch!  He can’t just take me for granted then – he gets mad, but then he realizes why I’m doing it and starts treating me better).

So my advice is to not even respond to her statements about breaking up.  Instead, do two things.  First, think about every concern she has told you about, and come up with a good solution to each one.  She might or might not agree with what you say, but it will prove your interest. 

And second, make a great big fuss over her.  Send her flowers, write her a song, throw a surprise party for her (for no occasion!).  And maybe even talk about the future – tell her how you hope your lives will be when you’re done with school, and after that. 

And most importantly, just make a point of letting her know that she is the most important person in your world.  More important than your friends, and more important than your schoolwork and career. 

And if you can do that, my guess is that she’ll stop thinking that breaking up will solve anything at all!

Best of luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you get depressed at college

Loser101 asks:  You’ll be glad to know that I’m overcoming my slight body dysmorphia and I finally think I’m pretty good looking haha, and I’ve gotten into my dream university. Life’s going pretty good but I feel lonely, all my friends are drifting away, they’re busy with their own lives, and it’s kind of hard to accept. I’m learning but it’s a slow process. I’ve been doing the exact same routine of checking my socials continuously every day for the past two months, and it’s a drag honestly. I’m aware of this toxic behaviour but I can’t let it go. I want to feel wanted by people. I broke up two months ago – the guy was toxic so it was good I guess, but I miss having someone to talk to constantly. It’s hard really, I don’t know why, but I can’t focus on myself like some of my friends tell me to when I’m telling them these things. Recently I’ve started getting into prayer and meditation – they do help but I relapse at times.

Hi Loser101 –

         I don’t know where you live, but if it’s in the northern hemisphere, I’m going to tell you that you’re right on schedule.  The January/February time is known by many colleges and universities as the highest time for Depression and Isolation there.  I’m not sure why – maybe because people have just reconnected with their families, or maybe because it’s winter and harder to go outdoors, or perhaps just because it’s that time in the transition from everyone you know there being strangers into friends into people who will matter to you the rest of your life. 

         Whatever the cause, what you’re experiencing could not be more normal.  The alienation, the questioning.  Especially, ESPECIALLY, because you broke up with that guy two months ago.  I’m sure you’ll be better off in the long run, but for right now, you’re remembering how nice it was to have a boyfriend!

         So I have two recommendations.  First is to accept that this is just a transitional time, and to make some plans over the next couple of months to get away when you can.  Do you have someone you’re friendly enough with to take a day-trip on a weekend to visit somewhere nearby?  Or maybe you have some family you could visit for a day or two?  Just get through this time – things WILL get better, and likely that’ll happen when the weather improves and everyone around you develops better moods!

         But second, spending all that time on social media, while it does help you feel less alone, just keeps you more connected with your “outside” life, and less with the people you’re near right now.  Can you spend part of that time getting together with some of these new people and doing something fun?  Seeing a movie, grabbing a meal, or just complaining about how damned depressing everything is?!

         We dogs don’t really experience what you’re living.  For me, the most depressing times I’ve ever known have been when I’ve been locked up in a pound, a kennel, or a veterinarian’s office.  And all those times I’ve been literally  kept away from everyone and everything I know.  Other dogs experience being given away by their families, and maybe that’s closer to what you’re going through – even though you’re where you are as a choice!

         What we dogs are great at is what you’re not doing right now – exploring our world, finding ways to socialize, ways to make life interesting.  I’m guessing you’ll have no trouble doing just that, around March. 

         But for now, just do your best.  Get through this time, and see if you can make some good experiences.  Before you know it, everything will likely change and your current blah world will become your favorite place.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend tells your secrets

Vitu asks:

I have a boyfriend who tells people what I tell him. He goes behind my back to discuss me with other people, and then he toys and teases me about it. Should I dump him or continue with the relationship?

Hi Vitu –

This is something we dogs never deal with.  We communicate in ways that you people often don’t understand (through sounds and smells and gestures), but we don’t keep secrets.  We don’t even know how!  So the only thing that happens behind anyone’s back is… well… sniffing!

But I know that you humans take these things very seriously.  Secrets, promises, confidentiality, are part of human intimacy.  And for many people, telling those special secret somethings to others is not too far from cheating.

Then I see other people who feel the exact opposite.  My human friend Handsome has dated a number of women who see nothing wrong in sharing every intimate detail of their relationship, including anything he’s told her in confidence, with their closer friends.  They wouldn’t blab them to others, but they feel just fine about that.  (He does not agree with them, by the way, and it often contributed to their breaking up!)

So I think this is one of those situations where you and your boyfriend have different values and needs.  Which is true in all relationships eventually.  The question – the VERY BIG question – is whether or not you two can work this out, in a way that respects you both.

Now from what you wrote me, I’m getting the idea that your boyfriend doesn’t respect your feelings about this at all.  What I don’t know is whether you’ve told him how much it means to you.  If he doesn’t know, then I can’t fault him; it’s just your job to tell him how you feel.

And once he knows, he might have some perfectly fair responses.  Like, “But I need my friends to hear what I’m dealing with; it’s something I’ve always needed in all sorts of circumstances.  I don’t do this to insult you.  Darling, I do it so that our relationship can work!”

Or he might be shocked and say, “I’m so sorry!  I had no idea I was doing anything that would bother you.  Tell me specifically what it is you want me to keep secret, and I’ll do it absolutely.”

Or he might laugh and say “Oh you’re just a prude.  Stop being so sensitive!”

And his response will tell you a lot about what to do next in this relationship.  If it’s the first, then he’s ready for a very mature exchange, and I’d say this guy is a keeper.  If it’s the second, then he’s a good guy, but I’d guess the issue might come up again in the future, as he tries to figure out how to balance his needs and yours.

And if it’s the third, he simply doesn’t respect your feelings.  And yes, I’d say to head for the dumpster!

The important thing here is to respect your own needs.  Listen to him, sure, but you deserve to have a relationship where you feel safe, loved, and honored.

Like mine with Handsome.  Well, safe and loved anyway.  It’s hard to feel honored when someone jumps onto you while you’re sleeping, covering you in kisses and calling you “Knucklehead!”

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to make your boyfriend fall in love with you again

Rockie asks: I want to find out how I can make my boyfriend fall in love with me again

Hi Rockie –

       Love is an incredibly complex and difficult power, and its workings have confused humans forever.  But as a dog, I understand that it’s also very simple.  So I’m going to give you a very simple answer, but that doesn’t mean your relationship with him isn’t also very complex, with tons of aspects I know nothing about!

       Here’s my answer: if he’s fallen out of love with you, it’s because of one of two things.  Either nothing has changed (and he’s getting a little bored or taking you for granted), or something has changed (maybe he doesn’t like a change in you, or maybe he’s changed, or maybe he’s met someone else).

       And similarly, there are two solutions.  One is, if nothing has changed, to change things up a bit.  Suggest doing some different things together, dress differently, talk about things you’ve never discussed, jump on him and lick his face till he screams (okay, that’s what I’d do but maybe it’s not right for you two!).

       And the other is, if things have changed, to talk about them with him, and see what he wants.  Maybe he wants the old you, and that’s possible, or not, for you to be again; maybe his views on things have changed and he’d be very interested in whether you’d be willing to join him on his journey; and maybe he’s interested in someone else, and there’s nothing you can do about it but to hope he changes his mind.

       What these all add up to, Rockie, is that nothing I can suggest will make anyone fall in love with anyone, but there are things you can do to make this guy feel heard, comfortable, excited… whatever it is that would stop his feelings from continuing to change. 

       Once you do that, the rest will be up to him.  And at that point, I can only wish you the best of luck. 

       (Or, the ability to realize that you two shouldn’t be together, and that that’s okay too – you can free each other to find better relationships and happier lives)

       But meanwhile, BEST OF LUCK!

       Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s mother just doesn’t like you.

Scarlett4 asks:

My boyfriend and I have worked through a lot of problems, including him making some big mistakes in the past.  But now there is a different problem – I don’t think his mom likes me that much. She is just talking with me regularly just for his child’s sake.

Hi Scarlett4 –

Yeah this problem is REALLY common – about as common as fathers not liking the boys their daughters bring home!  It’s not necessarily a bad thing – I think it usually stems from that parent having two experiences: first, having been the person in love with their kid longer than anyone else (falling rapturously mad over the baby, then the toddler, then the sweet kid, then the rebellious teen… ALL of those!); and second, having been the person who took care of that kid all the time, the one whose whole life was built around their child.

So after all that, how could anyone the young person brings home ever seem good enough?!  I can certainly tell you that my human friend Handsome has brought lots of girlfriends to me over the years, and not one of them has ever offered to spend all day guarding the house against prowlers, or chased the squirrels and cats out of the yard, or curled up and lay protecting him through hundreds of nights.  Not one!  So how could I ever say they’re good enough for him?!

Well, there actually is an answer.  And that’s for you to win her over.  For you to be such delightful company, to be the daughter she always wanted, to be her new best friend.

I see it all the time.  Sure she loves her son more than anything in the world, but you’re way more fun to go shopping with.  And besides, hanging out with you is a way of staying close with him, in a way she hasn’t been able to since he started insisting on going out with friends and not telling her everything anymore!

You two can even start to talk about MEN together!  Don’t get too insulting about her baby boy, but you two can definitely roll your eyes at each other about how they’re all obsessed with sports or unable to talk about feelings or never notice your new hairstyles or… you get the idea!

Now maybe I’m wrong, and she’s not this fun loving mom, but rather kind of mean and judgmental.  Well in that case, I’d recommend doing THE EXACT SAME THING – warm her up by being delightful.  I can’t tell you how many times it’s worked for me (often with people who simply don’t like dogs!).

At least give it a try.  And if nothing works, then maybe you can get your boyfriend, who (from your previous letters I know) needs to make up for some stuff, to pay a little bit of his debt by talking to her and getting her to cool it with you.

But first try being her new BFF.  That’s the best way, and so much more fun!

Good Luck!

Shirelle