Category Archives for "Family"

0 How to react when it seems like everyone is ignoring or rejecting you

Cupcake11 asks: There’s more to the story I told you before. It all started when my best friend didn’t tell me that she was gonna break up with her boyfriend. She told me when I questioned her, and what hurt me was that she had considered my opinion which I had stated months ago and didn’t even find the need to ask me once about what exactly I meant. Instead she listened to her other best friend who had betrayed her once. It broke my heart to hear that. And then 3 days later, I found out that she patched up with her boyfriend. Her getting influenced by that best friend of hers made me mad, and she tried convincing me – and in the end I did get convinced, thinking that she would give up on me and leave me. Now when things went wrong in my family, when my brother didn’t support me – even when I was right he supported his girlfriend and my uncle has been demotivating me by calling me ugly fat and useless and says I can’t do anything in life – when I got frustrated I thought of reaching out to my best friend, but she was sending one word replies or emoticons (which upset me because I was in a very emotionally vulnerable state) and 2 days later she texted “I’m sick I can’t talk to u over the phone,” and she started asking me questions instead, like if my uncle was seriously saying that and how I should tell my brother to take a stand for me, but she didn’t send a single comforting message. I felt very bad and decided not to tell her anything, and instead just formally talk to her. Please tell me what to do. She is a bit conservative, but whenever she needed me I was always by her side comforting her, and now when I needed her the most she wasn’t there.

Hi Cupcake11 –

Yes, this is TOUGH!  So much at once, all seeming to express the same thing – that you can’t trust at all.

And yes, we ALL have times like that, when the world is just plain weird, and we feel just that alone.  (Well, except for what your uncle said to you.  That bothers me a lot.  I wish I could come over and bite him so hard I rip the seat of his pants out, so you can then say to him “Well it looks like you’re fat and ugly and useless, and it looks like you can’t do anything in life – you can’t even sit down, jerk!”)

But the worst thing about going through these times is that we end up over-sensitized, to where we expect the worst, and see everything in a bad way.

So I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be upset about all these people not being there for you.  But I do want you to try thinking the complete opposite way.

And that might be difficult!

So, for example, what if you thought, “Hmm… my best friend had a good reason to think that her ex-bestie would know more about her problem with her boyfriend than I would, and hoped that talking about him would improve their relationship.”  Might that feel a bit better?  And “My brother is scared that if he doesn’t support his girlfriend she’ll leave him, so he had to put on a show for her, even though he knows I’m right.”  Or “My best friend is so ill she can’t even text full sentences, and doesn’t even have it in her to support me right now.”

Now none of these is going to feel great.  But what they all can do is shift you from seeing each of these situations as being about something negative toward you.

And I’ll throw in myself too.  You wrote me this letter, but then wrote me again when I didn’t get back to you for a day. Normally it can take up to a week for me to respond to letters from pack members, and yesterday was even more odd because Handsome’s phone broke down and everything went crazy around here.  So, truly, my not getting back to you had nothing to do with how much I care about you.

But I’m not saying you were wrong to feel sad about not hearing from me.  Sure, just the way I feel sad when Handsome’s not home (or he’s all frustrated about his busted phone!).

We each want to feel important, and there are times when stuff is going on in so many of the lives of those we love that we feel like we’re always lower priority.  But that doesn’t mean that those people don’t care about us, and love us, and want the best for us.  It’s just that they have other things (like romances and illnesses and busted phones) that they have to pay attention to first.

And of course, you will have times you do the same.  A friend calls you when you’re cramming for an exam, or when you’re at a family event, and you just can’t be there for them in the way you’d most like to.

A big part of loving someone is accepting them completely.  Which includes the parts of them that can’t be there for you.  I have learned to love Handsome when he’s working, when he’s on a date, when he’s watching a movie.  Now I’ll admit, I’m a lot happier with him when he’s playing catch with me or kissing my tummy or throwing treats my way.  But as frustrating as it is, I have learned to love and accept and trust him the rest of the time too.

If there’s a lesson in this rough time for you, it sounds like you’re getting that same lesson right now.  And it’s a good one – you won’t believe how much happier you’ll be once you’ve grasped it!

Big face-licks,

Shirelle

ps: Though I’m still not cool with what your uncle said.  Maybe there’s a way for you to love him still, but I’d have to know more to encourage it.  For now, I’d just work on accepting and loving all the rest of these people.  And maybe avoiding him when you can.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

2 Should a working woman stay with a man who doesn’t want her to work

Manisha asks: I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years. We are very serious about each other. I also have a job, but my boyfriend does not like this, but I want to do this job because it’s a good company and for me it’s a big opportunity. He wants me to leave this job because my job hours are 1pm to 10 pm, which he doesn’t like. Before this job I already worked with 2-3 companies also, but always he said to me that leave those also. I even worked in day shifts before, which he also didn’t like, but now I want to do this job and I want his support. He is short-tempered, and while I know he loves me very much, he speaks very harshly to me about my job. And his family also does not want me to do this. We have regular fights with each other. I don’t understand how to convince him. And I love him so much that I am searching for another job. So please tell me, is that good to work late at night? I have always to be on time, and on a daily basis I am doing video calls, phone calls – in short, I am giving my 100% for this relationship but I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t know what’s the problem with me doing this job. I can’t live without him. Should I leave this job for his happiness?

Hi Manisha –

Wow, I’m really torn on this.  On one hand, I love that he wants more of you, that he hates having you away from him, but on the other, it sounds like he might have that attitude that says that women shouldn’t work – and that’s as last-century as Rin Tin Tin movies!

But in truth, I have no more right to give my opinion than he does.  Less!  Because I don’t know a hundred other issues.

For example, how is your boyfriend doing financially?  Is he so well-off that he could support you and a family easily?  So there’s no reason – if you two stayed together – for you to need to work?  Or is he being silly, not acknowledging that he’d really need you to work for you two to be able to have a good life?

For another, could you change your working hours – or could he change his – so that you two could have more time together without one of you having to quit your job?

And beyond that, what’s his family’s interest in this?  Do they just not like women working?

But really, all of these questions are secondary.  The big one is what Continue reading

0 Is it a good idea for a student to take an extra year of school

Ajanardhan asks: I’m looking for advice on my kid’s school admission for coming academic year. To brief in better, she is currently doing PP1 and with a plan to move her to ICSC curriculum I have planned to put her into a particular school. But when I approached the school team, I been informed that UKG admission is not possible, as she is not yet five years old. With no option, and with an interest to put her in ICSC curriculum, I have opted for LKG admission and the seat is confirmed. All I want to be double sure of is that the call I am going to take by making the kid to reappear for PP1/LKG is a good decision or not.

Hi Ajanardhan –

So I have to confess – what I know about specific school systems is that mine offered treats when I got things right, while others give punishments when the pups get things wrong. So I don’t know a lot of the terms you’re using. But I think I get the gist of it, which is that you’d like your child to go into a more advanced year than the schools are allowing, so you’re questioning whether to have her do two years in preparation for the better program.

And my answer is – probably – Continue reading

0 When to start letting a child play by themselves

Manushi asks: My son is 11 months old. Is it ok if I let him play by himself? I mean I am there monitoring him, but I do my work, like household chores or watching TV or mobile, and I only step in if he is about to fall or something. Should I sit by his side when he is playing and play with him, or constantly attend him? My husband always sits with him when he is playing and teaches him stuff like “where’s the fan, where’s the light,” etc. I have a baby sitter for him for sometimes and even she does the same as my husband. I am confused as to what is the right thing to do? To attend him all the time and keep teaching him. or to let him be by himself and have his me time.

Hi Manushi –

As a dog, and especially as a dog who was spayed when I was six months old, I am absolutely unqualified to talk about the details of mothering a human baby.

But I think your question is so specific that NO ONE is really qualified to answer it.

And by that I mean that, on one hand, yes it’s great to give a child independence and let them play by themselves, and yet of course you’d never forgive yourself if something really bad happened to that kid when you weren’t watching.

But the main reason I don’t feel qualified is that I don’t know your son.  Kids develop at enormously different rates; some children are already talking and walking by eleven months, and others won’t get to those for a year.  Some children are very calm and focused, so you could leave one with a toy and assume he’ll play with it for a few minutes, and others are enormously energetic, destructive, and aren’t satisfied until everything in the room has been in their mouth (which completely describes the first two years of my life!).

My best suggestion is to Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend chooses their family over you.

meghna98 asks: One month ago I met a guy in college. We liked each other and started dating. We were so happy. But then one day he said maybe in the future his parents won’t agree, so he doesn’t want to hurt me and broke up. I convinced him that we’ll make our careers and then convince his parents, but we’ll be in our relationship. He agreed but two days later he broke up, saying he doesn’t want to hurt me. He doesn’t even want to meet me because I’ll make him weak. But I want him back. I don’t want to give up so easily. I want to fight for us and make it work. The thing is he is very negative. I want to change his negative thoughts. I know he loves me and I want us to be together. What should I do?

Hi meghna98 –

This is an interesting situation.  I get lots of questions from young people who want their parents to like their boyfriend or girlfriend, or who want to learn how to get their beloved’s parents to like them better.  But you’re my first to have this problem.

And I have a feeling you’re not going to like my answer.

My friend, we all know the beautiful stories of Romeo and Juliet and West Side Story, and even Titanic, where someone rebels against their family to be with the person they love.  And that, of course, is a very difficult situation for everyone.

But you’re in a different case.  For you, your beloved is choosing his parents over you, and it’s breaking your heart.  As it naturally would.

Now I don’t know what his reason is.  Perhaps you two are of different races, or religions, or classes.  Or maybe he has some other reason to think they wouldn’t accept you (such as that they already have another partner in mind for him).  But whatever the reason is, he is accepting it.  Which leaves you completely alone in this situation.

Now perhaps, he’s just being weak, and at some point will realize he loves you more than he cares about those values, and will come back to beg you to return to him.

But right now, he’s not doing it.  In fact, the only thing he’s doing is trying to avoid hurting you any more than he has to.

So I’m going to give you one suggestion for right now, and then another one for once you’ve done that.  The first is to Continue reading

0 How to improve a dysfunctional family dynamic.

Prettyandsweet12 asks: For the longest time I’ve wanted to move back to a particular part of the country to be with my cousins. I recently graduated high school and moved there with my mom. At first I was having a hard time because I had no friends here, but I figured it would get better once I got settled in. But I’ve been here for 5 months now and things just stink! I currently take classes online and I occasionally see my family in a nearby state over the weekend, but recently some things have happened and I’m starting to question if moving here was the right thing. My cousins barely come around, and my dad is now married and I don’t even know who he is anymore. I just turned 18 and I had a party at a hotel with my two cousins and she tried to give us alcohol. I didn’t have any but my cousins did, and I don’t know if you remembered but you gave me advice a long time ago on how to deal with my medical condition called myoclonis dystonia, which I still have and am on medicine for, and my dad knows this, but he was still willing to let her give me alcohol; that crushed me, and I feel like he chose her over me because he always lets her run over him. I recently got in touch with my high school crush, who is two years younger than me, so he’s a sophomore in high school (I’m supposed to be a senior in high school but I skipped a grade). He really wants to be able to see me and I want the same; I feel like I need him now more than ever, but I’m faced with a complicated choice: do I leave my mom and find living arrangements where he lives so we can see each other, or do I stay with my mom and put on a happy face like I’ve been doing?

Hi prettyandsweet12 –

I need to confess, I’m more confused than you are, so I’m not sure how much good I can do here! First, one question – when you say “she tried to give us alcohol,” I’m going to guess that that’s your dad’s new wife, but am I right?

But then, my main confusion is – what are all these people doing?! You moved across the country to be closer to your mother, your father, and your cousins, and it sounds like you’re not getting much attention from any of them. Then, sure, the fact that you’re taking online classes means you’re not meeting nearly as many people as you would if you were in high school or college. So it sure makes sense to me that when your dad, who probably just thinks he was being friendly and playful, encouraged you to drink alcohol which isn’t good for your condition, this made you feel really hurt and mad – normally it would be just silly, but given the treatment you’ve been receiving, it would just seem to be the ultimate symbol of everything wrong!

We dogs are very patient, and are famous for giving unconditional love. But even that has its limits. There have been times when Handsome has ignored me too much, so I’ve done things like climb on the white furniture just so he’ll get mad, or he’ll pet one other dog too many and instead of my being nice and tolerant, I’ll just growl and threaten the pooch (I know, I should be doing it to Handsome instead, but I just can’t – my love for him makes me too weak!).

So as I said above, I don’t have any great answers. But I will say, moving to be near your high school boyfriend seems like an invitation for what happened before to happen again – for you to be ready to start a beautiful meaningful new life with someone who may or may not be capable of giving you what you need.

If you’re able to afford it, I’d be way more in favor of you taking a trip to meet him, maybe spend a weekend or so with him, and see how that goes. Maybe it’ll be great, and maybe not. But I’d like you to know a lot more before you make that big a commitment (and take the chance on another disappointment).

And in the meantime, how about doing what I do, and making a little obnoxious noise! For example: Continue reading

0 What to do when you’re trapped in a bad marriage.

Ahana asks: I am 19 and I got married 6 months ago. My husband is my father’s childhood friend’s son. He (my husband) has loved me since I was 15. Later when I turned 18 he, with his family, came to my place to propose marriage. I directly said no as I’d never liked him. Later he tried a lot to convince me but I never said yes. After few months he tried committing suicide because I rejected him. So I had no other option than saying yes. After that we had our engagement. I thought I would get married only when I turn 20-21 but he was not ready to wait, as he thought that I could change my mind and not marry him. Later I did so many attempts to postpone my marriage, but I failed and he forced me to get married this year. I had no other option. Just after our marriage he tried getting physical with me but I didn’t allow him, so he started complaining to his mom about it, and she would explain to me that we should allow our husbands to do everything they want to do with our body. That was just too embarrassing. Then at last I allowed him. My husband owns a bungalow so we shifted from my in-laws’ house to his bungalow after a couple of months from our marriage . And now he will not let me wear my clothes all day, and has sex with me for hours and hours. His main motive behind this is that he wants me to become pregnant fast so that I can never leave him. Now I really want help – I don’t know what to do.

Hi Ahana –

I have so many thoughts about this. First, where I live in the United States, we tend to have the opposite problem from arranged marriages – so many of our young people fall in love with the excitement of youth, get married and/or have babies, and then realize they don’t know who they’re with and have nothing in common with them, and end up either unhappily together or in a miserable expensive divorce. So that can make arranged marriages (where society or parents pick someone really compatible as a life partner) look much better.

But then I read your letter and my heart just shatters. You see, Ahana, your situation sounds more like ours – my doggy friends. I was in a pound, and was one day from being put to death, when this human came and bought me. I had no idea how he’d treat me, though he seemed nice enough. Then over time, although we had some bad moments (maybe due to my chewing up a lot of things he valued, including his ankles!), the fact that we both wanted a great relationship won out over everything, and we’re absolutely crazy about each other now.

This isn’t your story.

Your husband says he’s loved you for years, but is showing no love at all, from what you tell me. What he’s showing instead is fear. Fear of you not wanting him, fear of you leaving, fear that the only thing that would keep you in the marriage is children. And just like some of my human friend’s girlfriends who were so afraid of being cheated on that they accused him of it all the time (to the point they eventually ruined the relationship; he was so unhappy being accused all the time that he’d leave), your husband’s fear is making what he fears come true! You are deeply unhappy in the relationship, and you do want a solution!

I have to say, I’m also sorry for him. It’s tough to believe you’re not attractive, and even more so when others kind of tell you you’re right. He married a woman who wasn’t attracted to him, and he only accomplished it by threatening to kill himself! What an awful view he must have of himself!

But of course, my primary sadness is for you. I am a very romantic pup, and have seen beautiful marriages (arranged and not) where both people devote themselves to the other’s happiness. And your marriage is not that. Your husband doesn’t seem to care if you’re happy or not. In fact, your marriage sounds like something closer to slavery!

Now I don’t know where you live. In some countries, what he’s doing would be illegal.

But even if that’s not the case, what I would really like would be for you two to Continue reading

2 How to celebrate Christmas when you’re out of money

RAMBO Asks: Christmas is here in Zambia. I don’t have presents to give to the kids. Tell me what can I do. Maybe you are able to help me make the kids happy, and other people here in Zambia.

Hi RAMBO –

I have to confess, I live half the world away from Zambia, and don’t know anything about where to shop or find toys and games there.

But as a dog, I am an expert on finding ways to make people happy, without the ability to buy or make much of anything. In fact, my human friend Handsome often tells me I am the Christmas spirit, all year round (at least to him).

So let me throw some thoughts at you.

First of all, remember that the Christmas story is about people so poor they had nothing but clothes and a donkey to ride on, who were so oppressed by their government that their unborn child’s life was in danger, and who weren’t even given a room at an inn when they were about to give birth, and so had to use a feeding trough for barn animals as their newborn baby’s crib. Yes, some kings and wise men showed up with some nice gifts for the infant (though what exactly he was supposed to do with frankincense, myrrh, or even gold is beyond me!), but these folks had nothing.

Nothing but love.

There are many great stories where the most precious Christmas gifts are the ones from the poor, from The Little Drummer Boy to The Gift of the Magi. The fact is, although advertisers and media will tell you that what kids need most is lots of expensive products, what matters far more is what they feel from you. This is why they love us dogs! We give them absolutely nothing to play with (I tried to give Handsome a dead squirrel once, but he showed no interest in playing with it at all; in fact, it kind of scared him when I dropped it at his feet!). But we give them attention and goofy, boundless love all the time.

Continue reading

0 Is it an insult for someone to comment you used to be thinner?

Deb asks: Sara and Alex are Aunt and nephew. Sara is 50 years old and Alex is 14. They are very close. One of the days they spent together Alex looked at his parents wedding album (29 years) and saw a picture of his Aunt Sara. Alex said to his Aunt Sara “You look thin.” This upset her because she thought Alex didn’t think she is thin now, because everyone always tells her (past and present) she is skinny, and wouldn’t that remark only be said to someone who isn’t thin in the present. Alex did tell her he was joking, then he said he was giving her a compliment and said he thought she was thin then and thin now. The day after she Instant Messaged her older nephew (21 years old, and who she also is very close to and the brother of the younger nephew). She told her older nephew the story, he related it to his mom (her sister) and the next day Sara spoke to her sister, who said “I asked Alex and all Alex was saying was you looked good in that picture, that Alex doesn’t compare what someone looked like in the past and compare it to the present. That Alex, his brother, me and their father all think of you as extremely skinny.” My question do you think Sara overreacted and read into what Alex said? Even Sara’s mother told Sara she thinks Sara is skinny.

Hi Deb –

Well of course I don’t know the people involved, and have no idea what Sara looked like 29 years ago or how she looks now. But I do know a bit about 14-year-old boys.

And what I know about them is that they have basically no subtle social skills at all!

In fact, they’re kind of like me. I jump on people, lick their faces, bite their ankles in fun, all things that a well-trained mature dog would never do.

Now teen boys don’t do that, but they might say something without remotely thinking how it would sound to an adult.

So sure, if an adult man said to Sara, “You looked skinny 29 years ago,” that might well mean that he thinks she doesn’t look skinny now, and that she looked better then. But that 14-year-old? He might mean that she looked too skinny then, not like the aunt he loves now (which could just mean that she was 21 and so shaped a bit differently). Or it could be a compliment that she looked skinnier than other people at the wedding, or other people he knows.

But my main statement to you is that it sounds like he never meant to insult her at all, and so there’s nothing for her to worry about. After all, you say that everyone tells her she looks thin now. Then who really cares what a kid thinks about how she looked three decades ago?!

But how a dog thinks her shoes smell? That’s extremely important, and everyone should care a lot about that! Always!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to deal with having a special-needs sibling

Starlight asks: My big brother is two years older than me. He has a disability that makes it hard for him to talk. He can talk but he can’t say the words right so you can’t understand him a lot. We go to the same school. He is grade 6 and I am in grade 4. Why is his schoolwork a lot easier than mine? His work is like grade 1 work. I am on a higher reading level too. He still reads books with pictures in them. His homework is so much easier then mine. The kids at school are mean to him and he doesn’t have many friends, so I some times feel sad for him. My mum and dad treat us different. I don’t know why but I feel like I am older and he is more like my little brother.

Hi Starlight –

I don’t know anything about your brother except what you’ve told me, of course, but it sounds to me like you’re right – in a lot of ways you are the older one. But I’ll change that and say, you’re the more highly developed one.

Let me explain what I mean. If you and I were born on the same day, we’d have both begun as helpless little infants. But a month later, you’d still have been a helpless, gurgling baby, while I’d have started walking already. And by the time we were six months old, you’d be maybe starting to crawl, while I was running laps around the yard, and starting training classes where I’d learn about ten words. And when we were each a year, you’d be just starting to walk, and I’d already be my full adult size. So I would have been far more developed than you.

But then, you’d have started to pass me waaaay by. You’d start talking, which I still can’t do. And while your walking wouldn’t be as graceful as mine yet, you’d have kept learning more, to the degree that by the time we were three or four years old, you could start dancing school if you wanted, or karate classes, or tennis lessons – none of which I could do. I really stopped my development by age one, except in some emotional maturity, which I reached around age five. Which is when you would be starting school and learning to read, write, do mathematics… and on and on it goes.

My point is that age isn’t really all that important. There are other differences between us that matter more, in terms of development. So sure, your brother was born first. But he has some developmental issues (though I can’t say what they are) that have hurt his speaking abilities, and have the school believing that he’s not capable of the same level of schoolwork you are.

Teachers try to give all their students work that challenges them, but isn’t too difficult for them. So it sounds like they’re giving you more advanced work than your brother because they believe you two are at these two different levels. If they’re correct, it’s likely you will continue to be ahead of him in that area, and possibly some others. It doesn’t mean anyone’s doing anything wrong; everyone’s doing their best to give you and him the best treatment they can. Including your parents.

But I will throw one story in about this. When my human friend Handsome was growing up, he knew a family where the oldest child was considered very developmentally delayed, to the degree the family put him in a special home, and raised his two younger siblings instead. But at some point, the home found out that the oldest boy just had a learning problem, and with the right help was able to speak, read, and write just as well as his younger brother and sister. And by the time Handsome met them, he couldn’t tell what problems the oldest boy had ever had.

So that’s why I can’t say what your brother’s issues are. Maybe he just has a speech impediment, and is a slow learner, and maybe there’s more going on. But for now, your job is to be a wonderful supporter of him (especially when those other kids are mean), but to also make sure you get the attention you deserve. Because whatever his issues are, you matter too. Just as much.

All my best,

Shirelle