Category Archives for "Behavior"

0 What to do with a boyfriend or girlfriend who demands everything be on their terms

Zynella asks: I’m in this relationship and don’t know whether to leave or try more. I feel I don’t get the total care and attention I need. He acts really insecure all the time. Really weird whenever he sees me relating with other male folks. He says he loves me but I really doubt that sometimes. He wants us to remain low-key for now and not trumpet the relationship, and I don’t feel comfortable about that. He’s not introduced me to anyone close to him yet though we’re just a year and some months. He doesn’t like calling, only prefers to chat, and I’m just the other way round. He can be really possessive and authoritative sometimes. He got his heart broken by a lady who left him for someone else and he feels I’m also going to do same whenever I say I’m tired. And what I’m tired of is his behaviors, sometimes to the point of not loving him. I find it difficult to get emotionally attached to people and when I do is always hard to let go. Now I’m on a crossroads of letting go or still hanging on a little more – I don’t know. I still love him very much but this is torture. He’s not violent in anyway and can be very romantic sometimes. Please what do I do?

Hi Zynella –

You bring up a lot of issues, and each is worth discussing, but I’m mostly struck by one feeling as I read your letter.  Which is that this is a guy who demands that everything be on his terms, 100% of the time. 

Now I know there can be something very attractive about people like that.  You always know what they want, they tend to be very interesting…  but relationships with them can also be ones where you lose yourself! 

In a funny way, it’s not unlike my life with my human friend Handsome.  He gives me a yard I can play in, but he’s really the one who determines when we meet and what we do – whether going to the dog park or the beach or the veterinarian’s office! 

But you’re a human.  And you deserve to have more say in things. 

So what I’d really like is for you to do is to

0 How to get back together with someone you’ve rejected (for good reasons)

Tebby asks: I broke up with my boyfriend 4 days ago, and the same day he called me several times and I hung up all his calls. Now I’m missing him a lot, and since then he’s never called again or checked up on me. I don’t know what to do, because I get tempted to call him, but deeply I just feel that if I do, he’ll never realize his mistakes and come back to fix anything; instead he will just become worse and take advantage. At times I even ask myself if he does miss me too, but why doesn’t he call – or maybe he just doesn’t care? I’m scared to make the first contact, because I don’t know what I’m expecting from him after that breakup. What should I do – because I need his attention?

Hi Tebby –

One of the toughest parts of growing up – for us dogs as well as you humans – is mastering empathy.  Sometimes we’re too ‘nice,’ and all we do is what someone else wants.  And that’s no way to live.  Then other times we’re so caught up in our own views and struggles that we forget to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes (or paws) and try to understand their feelings.

One time that’s almost guaranteed for one, or both, of these to happen is during a breakup.  I get lots of letters from people who are so obsessed with understanding the person who’s cheated on them, hit them, insulted them, that they haven’t taken a moment to sit back and say “Who cares how they feel?  I hate being treated like this and I’m walking away!”

And then I get ones like yours, where you’re kind and loving, but completely missing the piece of understanding him.

You. Hung. Up. On. Him. Many. Times. After. Breaking. Up. With. Him.

He tried, over and over, and you hung up on him every time. 

I think that’s the answer to every question you have.  How does he feel?  Why is he avoiding you?  And most importantly – what would be best for you to do now?

He’s hurt.  Very.  He’s been shamed and shut off.  And if you want to talk with him, the ONLY way is for you to reach out to him.  Apologize for all those hangings-up, and tell him you want to talk.

Again, that’s not a suggestion on my part – I’m saying it’s the ONLY way you’re going to get anything out of him.  He probably would love to talk with you, but he’s scared to call.  I would be too!  (If I bring a chew toy to a person and they refuse it, I’ll bring them something else, like a tennis ball.  But if I bring toy after toy, and they angrily refuse me every time, I’ll stop bringing them toys!

Now there’s one part of your letter I don’t understand, though.  You say you’re worried that, if you call, he won’t realize his mistakes or change.  Now I don’t know what his mistakes were, but I do know this – he’s already changed!  He’s changed by losing his girlfriend, and believing she doesn’t want to talk with him!

So the tennis ball (or chew toy) is in your court.  But I think you’ve got a good chance of working this out.  If you can call him and re-open the conversation, while making it clear that there were things you can’t accept from him in the future, this could work out.

But you’ll have to take charge.  You’ll have to set the agenda.

In fact, isn’t that exactly what you want to do, what you broke up with him about?  Your need for more of a say in this relationship?

So go for it!  I’m behind you, my tail wagging in excitement!

Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is going through awful times and pushes you away

snowball18 asks: My boyfriend lost his sister 5 months back, his grandfather is in a hospital, his mother is depressed, and his parents might be having a divorce. I tried to support him all I could but he is letting out all his anger and frustration on me. I tried to be calm and even said sorry for mistakes that were not mine. I was crying in front of him because he had downloaded Tinder, and he tried to console me saying he just wanted to see what it was about, but I couldn’t stop crying and he got angry and was about to leave, leaving me alone but came back and consoled me. He has been sending some pretty inappropriate posts to my friends, and when I asked about it, he said he was just casually flirting and I should trust him. I did, but today I couldn’t handle it and behaved a bit cold, told him I don’t want to talk, and he got angry and blocked me. His behaviour has been fluctuating a lot – he is all loving one minute, and I say something or disagree on something, and he gets angry and doesn’t talk with me, but just ignores me. I get it, he is in lots of problems, but how do I support him if he acts like this? What should I do?

Hi snowball18 –

I am so sorry you’re going through this.  And I’m not surprised at all.

It’s very normal for people – and dogs – to act really awful when we’re experiencing something completely nuts.  In fact, I’d argue your boyfriend is actually going insane – in a way.

We all hate it when sad things happen to us.  But usually they’re things that fit into the way we see the world.  A person who drives on a fast freeway every day is in an accident that smashes up their car.  Someone loses a beloved grandparent who’s been battling an illness for years.  I think I’m going to get that last piece of pizza, and Handsome eats it without even looking at me.

But when bigger things happen, or (as in your boyfriend’s case) too many things happen at once, it does a lot more than make us sad.  Our brains actually have to reconfigure – our whole world changes, and we have to adjust to it.  We see this a lot with victims of war or terrorism, where their world literally has been blown up.  But it can come from other directions too – a spouse suddenly leaving their family, an unexpected death (especially of someone young and healthy).  A lot of people in my country went through this three years ago when everyone “knew” one person was going to win the Presidency, and another one did – one who most people were against, and tens of millions found repugnant.  Everyone had experienced elections being won by someone they didn’t like before, but not with such a shock. 

And your boyfriend has gone through – and is still going through – a series of those shocks.

So what’s going on in his brain?  Well, part of it, I’m sure, is about you.  I’ll bet he’s afraid to love you too much, as he’s experienced the shock and devastation of losing people he’s loved so dearly.  I’m sure he craves your caring, and resents that he does.  I’m sure he wants to feel free and unattached (which would explain the Tinder download), imagining that’ll feel like a break from all his misery.  And at the same time, I imagine he’s terrified of losing you, who’ve been so wonderful through all this.

Sounds pretty insane, doesn’t it?

So what should you do?

The first thing I want is for you to

0 How to choose between a long-distance relationship and a new person

LK asks: I have a boyfriend and we just turned 5 months. It’s a long-distance relationship and we’ve never met. We are planning on meeting this holiday. We rarely talk during the school term because he has his phone taken away. Problem is I think I have started catching feelings for another guy who I talk to everyday. He likes me too. What should I do (N.B I am 16 years old)?? I am really confused.

Hi LK –

This is an issue we dogs have a lot of trouble grasping.  Now as you probably know, I have a human I love more than anything, who I call Handsome.  Sometimes, Handsome will leave me for a while – like over a week! – and I’ll stay with a friend.  So of course I don’t forget Handsome, I dream of him every night, but nothing keeps me from jumping on that friend, licking their face like crazy, and cuddling up to them at night.  It’s not that I’m not attached to Handsome; it’s just that he’s not there!  (And of course, if he didn’t want me to cuddle up to his friends, he wouldn’t leave me with them!)

So we pups have two problems understanding situations like yours.  Firstly, our brains can’t even comprehend having a committed “boyfriend-girlfriend” relationship with someone we’ve never even sniffed.  And secondly, we have trouble understanding why it would be bad for you to hang out with someone else who is close by.

I’m not saying you’re wrong; just that it’s hard for us to understand!

So with this long-distance guy, you’ve been a couple of sorts for five months?  And he hasn’t even been able to communicate on phone for a while?  Well it sure makes sense to me that you’d have gotten more interested in someone else, someone you’ve been able to talk with.

In fact, it’s hard for me to think your boyfriend wouldn’t understand if you chose the other guy over him, just because of the distance and lack of communication.

But if you’re not sure what you want, then I’d say to hold off.  Keep talking to this one boy, but don’t do anything you might regret until you have actually met the boyfriend. 

And then, I want you to do something very hard:

0 What to do when someone you like sends you mixed signals

Itsxabi asks: I like a girl. Recently she said she doesn’t like me, and said that I’m taking all of her space, and blocked me on almost all social media. After about a week she called me up and asked how I am doing?! I really like this girl – how to fix everything up?

Hi Itsxabi –

Well, I guess I have two answers for you.  First, she does sound a bit… well, odd.  She shuts you out, and then calls you?  So I’m not telling you who to like or not, but I guess I would warn you that this might be the way she keeps treating you.  And if so, I hope you can find the strength to take care of yourself, even if that means breaking up.

But number two, to your actual question, how to fix everything up?  My friend, it sounds like that’s already done!  She called YOU! 

So what I’d really like you to do is to respond to her call as if nothing was wrong, chat about lots of things, and if you feel like it, ask her out.  Perhaps she’ll show up and be great and everything will be wonderful.  And perhaps she’ll shut you down again.

But either way, if you’ve acted with friendliness and confidence, you’ll have nothing to be embarrassed about.  And how she responds will tell you a lot about how she’ll be in the future.

So know you’re worth it, and go for some glory here!

Wishing you the best of luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you keep getting left by boyfriends or girlfriends.

cuteprincess asks: My first boyfriend ditched me, and now second one also ditched me, so I can’t express my feeling. It’s so bad –so what can I do now? I miss my first love/boyfriend more than the current one. Should I forget both? If so, how?

Hi cuteprincess –

I am SO SORRY about your bad luck with these guys!  That stinks!  I hate getting left by anyone – even when it’s just Handsome going away for a few hours – so being completely left must hurt like blazes!

In fact, your situation reminds me of my friend Aria, a beautiful German Shepherd mix who was abandoned by two owners.  And I mean literally they had her in their home, and decided they didn’t like her and sent her away, not letting her in anymore.  Now put yourself in her shoes and see how your heart feels!!

Now she just gave up on people altogether, and went to live in the wild, till some people found her and coaxed her into coming with them – it took them days – and now she lives in a really nice home with a human who adores her.  But it took her over a year to really trust him.  Such a tough past!

So it makes sense to me that, having been hurt by the more recent boyfriend, you’d start to think the first one was better.  But the fact is, both guys ditched you, and because of that,

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend starts taking you for granted

Wretched asks: I have had a boyfriend for two years, and every time we fight, he just ignores me, and then comes back days later asking if I’m already good or not. He wasn’t like that before. He was so sweet and he didn’t want to sleep if we were still fighting. But now, he’s totally different. He can go on for a week ignoring me. I already confronted him about this matter and he said that being in a relationship for so long makes things casual, so that’s why he’s like that. But no. He doesn’t put an effort in settling things between us anymore and he easily breaks up with me and I end up comforting him instead of him comforting me. If I threaten him that I’ll leave him, he’ll be like “Oh, okay. If that’s what you want.” What do I do? I really love him and I don’t want a future without him. He’s perfect for me and this is the only the downside of him. I’m so confused. I can feel his love but I’m perplexed by the way he acts whenever we’re not in good terms.

Hi Wretched –

So I’m of two minds here (which is very difficult when I’m a dog and already have a much smaller brain than you humans!).

First, I want to help you make your relationship work, as you clearly love this guy so much, and so much is right about you two as a couple.

But second, I want to bite him, and bark at you loud enough to scare you away so you get a life without him, because you deserve to be treated MUCH better than this.

And you know what?  I think the best answer involves mixing the two!

Let me explain.  This guy is

0 How to move forward in a relationship where both have broken trust

StefeX asks: I’ve been in an undefined relationship with someone whom I’ve fallen in love with over the past two years. Our relationship started out as strictly platonic friends but became full-on. The woman I have been seeing was separated from her husband due to him cheating on her with his colleague for seven years now. I have been her help raising her children from the age of one and five. I potty-trained her son, got him off the bottle and helped with other aspects of his development. I’ve helped her daughter since she went to school with homework and reading as well as implementing discipline when needed. Our relationship was quite fine until I got wind of her chats with an ex-boyfriend who would constantly flirt with her, and I felt she entertained this behavior. Valentines Day of 2017 I was confronted by her grabbing her phone and quickly erasing messages from him that was sent between each other. I have never liked this man or his candor for her. Recently I moved back to my hometown and found out by way of stalking her Whatsapp that they were at it again. She got super defensive saying I was lying, that I hacked her Whatsapp (which I did but I wasn’t going to tell her that because her personality is of such a nature she makes you feel bad or wrong for questioning her, even knowing you are right). She says I have insecurity issues and that in the past three years of being together physically, I was never a boyfriend. Now after the fact that she’s finally divorcing on May 28, she wants to venture out into different relationships. In the past I have also not been squeaky clean as I have lied to her about trivial things (even I don’t know why I did), and these have led to trust issues, which I believe in my heart we can work on. However I am caught up in pain so bad, as I believe I have found my soulmate and I don’t want to give her up to a booty call because she’s truly an amazing person. I know that I too am at fault in this relationship, but I need advice on what defines cheating in her instance, and what defines a relationship in mine, because I know I am in one with her – and what I should do going forward.

Hi StefeX –

You and she seem to me to be in a tough problem, and one which was pretty unavoidable. 

You began as friends, then became “friends with benefits,” while she was still legally married.  Then your relationship stayed undefined while you each did other stuff, including some lying to each other, and even moving out of town.

Now you’d like to make this relationship official, because you two are soulmates, but you’ve both hurt each other some, and she’s even getting somewhat involved with her ex, at least online.

So what can you do?

Well, I have one suggestion, and only one.  You and she need to

0 Should you commit to someone you don’t trust?

Mystical asks: I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy who is 10 years older than me, for the last 5 years, and have met him only once (2 years back). I thought I loved him and he also says he loves me, but I don’t trust him, and I think he talks to other girls. 6 months ago I had figured out that he was cheating on me, but he manipulated me and we both started talking again. Now, after my final semester, he wants me to move to his city and he says he want to get married to me, but I feel that something is fishy – but I am getting dragged towards him. I don’t know what I should do. Shall I leave him or trust him? There are a few things which I don’t like about him… like he smokes and drinks. He has promised me that he will stop doing them once I am with him. He is also verbally abusive sometimes, when he gets angry. Now I am in a really confusing situation. I need someone to guide me or advise me.

Hi Mystical –

I can’t give you an exact answer, as to whether he’s cheating, or is a good long-term mate for you.  But I can say one thing for sure: he is not right for you right now.  Or rather, you’d be wrong to commit to him right now.

You see, every day I celebrate the luckiest break I ever got.  When a dog is bought from a pound, the pup has no idea of what sort of person is taking them home.  They could be neglectful, harsh, or even abusive.  I lucked out and got a guy who liked me at first, and fell in love with me soon, and has treated me like the best thing in the world (which is just how he sees me) ever since.  Sure we have our disagreements, and he often does things that hurt or annoy me (like leaving me at home for hours), but I always know he cares and loves me. 

But when it comes to your guy, you don’t know any of this.

And the last thing I’d want is for you to commit yourself to someone you don’t fully trust.  You’re a human, not a dog, and don’t have to go with someone just because they picked you out!

So I recommend two things.  Either

0 How to know when to try difficult tasks.

mina asks: Lately I’ve been struggling about making decisions. Why do people aim for something impossible? Is it always worth a try? Despite the fact that you clearly don’t have a chance to win? Are risks really worth doing, just to make yourself happy?

Hi mina –

What a great question!

I live in this question all the time.  You see, if I’m lying in wait for squirrels, and one shows up, I face a gamble.  If I run to it and catch it, then that’s great, I win.  But if I run and miss it, I’ve just notified it and every other squirrel around that I’m here and on the hunt.  I would have been way better off staying hidden and waiting till one comes closer to me.  But often, none does come close to me, so I’d have been better off trying to catch that first one, right?

Auugh!  It’s really confusing!

So my solution to your question, “Is it always worth a try,” is to… simply not ask it! 

Let me explain. 

If something’s easily achievable (like, say, my eating the dinner Handsome puts out for me every night), then there’s no reason not to go for it, of course.  

And if something’s absolutely impossible to achieve (say, my catching a bird that’s flying twenty feet above my head), then there’s no reason to try, except just for fun, the way puppies just love to run for no reason at all.

But if it’s in-between, like with those squirrels?  Then the question becomes, not “Is it always worth a try,” but rather one of