Mystical asks: I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy who is 10 years older than me, for the last 5 years, and have met him only once (2 years back). I thought I loved him and he also says he loves me, but I don’t trust him, and I think he talks to other girls. 6 months ago I had figured out that he was cheating on me, but he manipulated me and we both started talking again. Now, after my final semester, he wants me to move to his city and he says he want to get married to me, but I feel that something is fishy – but I am getting dragged towards him. I don’t know what I should do. Shall I leave him or trust him? There are a few things which I don’t like about him… like he smokes and drinks. He has promised me that he will stop doing them once I am with him. He is also verbally abusive sometimes, when he gets angry. Now I am in a really confusing situation. I need someone to guide me or advise me.
Hi Mystical –
I can’t give you an exact answer, as to whether he’s cheating, or is a good long-term mate for you. But I can say one thing for sure: he is not right for you right now. Or rather, you’d be wrong to commit to him right now.
You see, every day I celebrate the luckiest break I ever got. When a dog is bought from a pound, the pup has no idea of what sort of person is taking them home. They could be neglectful, harsh, or even abusive. I lucked out and got a guy who liked me at first, and fell in love with me soon, and has treated me like the best thing in the world (which is just how he sees me) ever since. Sure we have our disagreements, and he often does things that hurt or annoy me (like leaving me at home for hours), but I always know he cares and loves me.
But when it comes to your guy, you don’t know any of this.
And the last thing I’d want is for you to commit yourself to someone you don’t fully trust. You’re a human, not a dog, and don’t have to go with someone just because they picked you out!
So I recommend two things. Either
dump him right now (for being verbally abusive and smelling like an ash tray), or give him a chance to prove he can be better. And I’m fine with the second. But that means, whether you move to his town or not, that he knows he’s on trial; you’re checking out to find out if he can be the sort of guy you deserve.
And what would that look like? Well he’d be so open with you about his schedule that you’d know who he was with anytime, and he’d be available to you so you’d know he wasn’t doing anything “too private” with anyone; he’d treat you great, with no remote verbal (or worse) abuse; and he’d stop smoking completely and drinking at least near you (I’m suggesting this because lots of people can drink on occasion, but smokers tend to need to smoke every day).
If he can do all that, then that means you’ve deemed him “acceptable.” And then he can start to woo you, to try to win you over to marriage. But right now he’s not even acceptable, much less an object of your desire and wishes!
So if this seems hopeless, then yeah, you might want to just let him go. But if you think he’s worth a try, then I want you to value yourself way more than you have been, and give him these tests.
And how he reacts to that wish may just tell you everything you need to know.
All my best!