Category Archives for "Adults"

1 Why does life become more difficult with age?

duaa asks: Why does life become more difficult with age, or with the passage of time?

Hi duaa –

Thanks for your question about life becoming more difficult over time.

I’m not sure, though, whether I really agree with it.   Sure, some things definitely get more difficult (When I was younger I could jump all day, hoping to catch birds in our tree; today, that gets pretty tiring!).  But overall, I think we just forget how hard it is to be a kid!

Lots of experts in development say that the hardest thing humans ever learn to do is to walk.  That walking involves so many muscles, and such an incredible amount of learning about balance and motion, that nothing else really comes close.  As an older kid, or a teen, or an adult, you might get incredibly frustrated that it takes, for example, twenty or thirty tries to get some concept in math learned, or parallel parking, or manage to sell your quota for the month.  But compared to what that baby does, thirty tries is nothing!  That baby had to try and fail hundreds, maybe even thousands of times before managing to walk from their bedroom into their mother’s (hopefully) proud and adoring Continue reading

0 How to develop an internal self-government

braayaan asks: How can I develop an internal self-government?

Hi braayaan –

This is a gigantic question, one that whole books work to answer.  But I think the easy and honest response I can give you is that you’re already developing one.  Everyone does.  The question is, rather, how can you develop a good internal self-government; how can you do it well?!

See, when we puppies are born, we start right in to developing it.  And we do it by pursuing everything we want (milk and warmth from our mothers, play by biting and tumbling with our siblings, and excitement by walking around checking out the world around us).  And bit by bit, our experience teaches us some things.  Our mothers teach us what sort of behavior results in nurturing and what doesn’t; our siblings teach us when we’re playing too hard (they scream out, or bite back!); and the world teaches us all sorts of things, like that some people squeeze us too tight, and that birds don’t like us trying to eat them!

And bit by bit, we use what we’ve learned to start making our own decisions.  We stop needing to be nipped or bitten or yelled at – we manage ourselves in a way that will please those we want to please, and frighten off those we wish to be rid of.

Similarly, humans start developing that internal self-government from their birth (literally – you never breathed before that, and suddenly you start doing something you will literally do every few seconds for as long as you Continue reading

0 How can I stop my friend from cutting herself

Bielieber27 asks: Hello. I was over at my friend’s house the other day, and I found out that she cuts herself. I’m really scared – I don’t know what to do. She told me it was addicting and she wishes she could stop. I want help her but I don’t know how to. What should I do? Please Help!

Hi Bielieber27 –

You are absolutely right, and so is she.  Cutting is terrifying, and very addictive.  You’re a great friend for reaching out like this.  I hope your doing this encourages others to do the same.

For those who don’t know what we’re talking about here, some people – most often teenagers – find that they get a pleasurable sensation from cutting their skin.  Usually it happens because they are depressed and feel numb in their lives, so there’s a good feeling from the pain of the cuts.  If you think of how good it feels to scratch an itch – where you’re actually causing yourself more pain in a sense, but it gives you pleasure – that’s what this is like, magnified.

Of course, the difference between this and scratching an itch is that cutting is extremely dangerous.  Even potentially Continue reading

0 Does a crush on a teacher of the same sex mean you’re homosexual?

Mandy asks: My problem is about me being in love with my science teacher. You see, she is wonderful and a great and amazing Hindi person; the thing is she is a married woman with twins. And it’s not the usual thing for a 15-year-old girl like me to be actually in love with a woman teacher! Am I a lesbian? I don’t think I am, because I still have interest in men. I am really bonded to her, I praise her, and yet the subject she teaches me is not my favorite (well I’m not good in it!). Shirelle, should I listen to my head which says to impress the woman (if you can’t be physically in love then just be mentally in love with her, but only in your mind so she won’t be disturbed by you), or should I listen to my heart, which says impress her in science so she’ll be fond of you, and get close once you’ve known that it’s ok. Or is it never okay? Have I gone nuts Shirelle?

Hi Mandy –

Of course, I have no way of knowing whether you’ll spend your life being attracted to women, men, or both.  But I can say that it’s very possible that you will mostly be attracted to men, and that this is a very innocent crush, something that will pass by after a year or so.  And if so, it’s actually very normal.  Much more so than you’d think.

As everyone knows, the teenage years are a time when humans’ hormones just go wild, and while most people tend to end up in a fairly centered place, the process of getting there is just loaded with blemishes, smells, aches, and – yes – attractions just going Continue reading

0 How to grieve a love that never got to start

Guadalupe asks: I like this boy and he is 16 and I´m 14. He said he would try having a relationship, but he didn’t want to hurt me, because he is leaving the school – but he hasn´t told me if he likes me. What should I do?

Hi Guadalupe –

If I understand what you’re saying rightly, this boy’s saying he’d like to have a relationship, but he’s afraid to have one with you because he’s leaving your school.  It sounds to me like he does like you, but is saying that there’s nothing he wants to do about it, because he’s going away.

If I’m reading it correctly, the situation is pretty simple, and somewhat sad.  I’m an expert in getting left – Handsome leaves me at home every day and I’m always devastated.

And just like me back at the house, there’s nothing for you to Continue reading

0 How to handle excess worry, even if it’s about real things

everyday96 asks: I feel like nothing I do makes sense. I can’t remember the last time I actually smiled or laughed from my heart. You see, my parents are both a little overaged (56 and 57 years old), but more importantly they both have diseases from which they can drop dead at any moment. I try to help out best I can, but I’m just a kid, and even if I do help, I always feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m not only worried about them, but now I’m also worried about myself. I haven’t been able to sleep lately because I’m afraid that if I do I might wake up an orphan. Sometimes I think they would have been better off if I wasn’t born at all. They do everything for me, but I don’t know if I can give it back. Please help me – I don’t know what I have to do to make them feel better. If I can see them smile again I’d be the happiest boy in the world.

Hi everyday96 –

There’s a word for what you’re suffering, and it’s called Anxiety.  Anxiety is what you have when you worry all the time, and worry too much.  Now note, no one is saying that you’re worrying about ridiculous things (like, say, worrying that bears will turn into bunnyrabbits).  But it is when you worry so much about even sensible things that the worry becomes a bigger problem than the problems you’re worrying about!

Now I don’t know what diseases your parents have, but I can say that 56 and 57 aren’t all that Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone you used to have a crush on

prettyndsweet12 asks: Last school year I had a crush on this boy and I was soooo scared to talk to him that every time he tried to talk to me I would get freaked out and walk away! Now I think he hates me for that. He is now going out with my friend, and I still like him, and I want a chance to make things right between him and me, but I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t want my friend to think I’m trying to steal her boyfriend!

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

Ah young love!  How people love to romanticize it – all forgetting how stressful and upsetting it is for those still in it!!!

Now it seems to me that everything going on here is about assumptions and interpretations.  What did this guy think when you freaked out and walked away, how does he feel about you now, and how does your friend see your actions?  SOOOO confusing!

It’s one area where it’s so much easier to be a Continue reading

0 How to set goals

Darlene asks: what advice can I give friends about setting goals?

Hi Darlene –

Well, I’m going to sound a bit hypocritical here, since I give advice on this website every day, but really, friends often don’t want to get advice from their friends.  I’m a huge fan of setting goals, and clearly I’ve set a lot (making this website, catching squirrels, and other less-important issues), but I did those because I wanted to — not because Buddy or Scruffy from across the street told me I should.

In fact, I find that the best way to get your friends to “up their game” in the way you want is to show them, instead of telling them.  So if you have a goal that you want to achieve, talk more about it.  And let them in on your process.

For example, let’s say that you make a New Year’s Resolution that you’re going to plant two hundred Continue reading

0 Why do young people idolize entertainers

Donna asks: Why do young people idolize entertainers?

Hi Donna –

That’s a great question!  We’re so used to young people, especially teenagers, idolizing entertainers that we usually don’t ever think to ask Why!  Of course, in order to give a decent answer, we should also point out that there are young people who don’t idolize entertainers per se, but most will idolize someone – athletes, teachers, or of course religious figures.

I believe it comes from a simple developmental need.  When humans are children, they naturally idolize their parents or caregivers.  They spend most of their waking hours trying to be like them – that’s how people learn to walk, to speak, even how to think the way they do.  But then there has to come a time when they start looking outward for role models (this usually starts around age 7 or 8), and eventually they become teenagers, who care about what their peers think of them, at least as much as about what their Continue reading

0 How to talk freely with your parents

Priya asks: I’m not able to talk to my parents freely. What should I do?

Hi Priya –

Thanks for your question about not being able to talk to your parents freely.

The tough question here is whether it’s because they are impossible to communicate with, or because you’re unwilling or scared to try.  Either – or both – is possible.

I’m going to guess that it’s a bit of both, which is what I usually see in families.  If that’s the case, you need to do two things.  First, you need to do whatever you can to help them improve communication with you.  That probably means that they need to develop a trust that you can have a mature conversation with them, about a difficult subject.  And the only way you can prove that is to do it:  Go to them with a subject that is slightly difficult, and sit down and talk openly about it.  Let’s say, for example, that you have no interest in Continue reading