Category Archives for "Adults"

0 What to do when you’re in an affair and want the person to marry you

Akol asks: I have been with a married man who failed to have kids with his first wife. I then gave him three kids. But I want to get married and he does not stay with me, he stays with his wife. Now I am pregnant. I don’t know whether he is my man or not. I truly want to get married. The lady knows that I exist. But the bitter truth is though he says he does love me, I struggle alone. He does not support the children and me in the way he is supposed to, or fulfil his promises. I had forgotten him for a full year and moved on, till he came back again and promised to change and pay fees for the children, which he gave a half – till now. I think I need to be bold and stand on my word. Telling him that I need also to get married, and not to be a concubine.

Hi Akol –

In the book that Handsome wrote about me, he tells about a relationship he was in, where he was the “other man,” and how it put him through absolute torment.  As much as a human might like to believe they’re independent and don’t need validation from others, the fact is you guys do.  And unless you’re someone who enjoys having affairs as a hobby, you’re just bound to care about that person, and want to be as important to them as they are to you.  And as long as they’re involved with, or married to, someone else, you simply won’t be.  And that’s just awful.

I’m very sorry you’re going through this.  But I really don’t know what to suggest.  If this were a newer thing, I could say “Leave him and change your number, and start your life over again.”  But you have three children, and are about to have a fourth.  So everything is complicated and difficult.

But no question, this guy is not treating you right.  And I imagine his wife doesn’t feel all that great about him either!

So I have two questions.  First, are you suuuuuuuure you want to be the next Mrs. Him?  His record of faithfulness isn’t too great, and it doesn’t seem he treats either of you women with all that much respect.  Now it is possible he’d treat you differently if you were married, and things could get much better, but I’d sure think about it before you demand it.

And my second is, what’s your “or else?”  I’m all for you being bold and standing on your word, and demanding to not be a concubine!  But if he says “no,” or “not yet,” or “I have to think about it,” what would your response be?  You could Continue reading

0 How to have faith, when there’s no other reason to believe

PERFECTION asks: How do you keep the faith, knowing that there’s nothing for you to hold on?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well… to your question about keeping the faith when there’s nothing to hold on to…  that’s the only faith that matters.  Whether it’s faith in a religion or faith in the goodness of people or faith in the future, it’s only faith if you still believe when there’s nothing there to tell you it’s true.  What I think you’re really asking is how to have real faith.

And the only answer I know to that is to trust as far as you can, and then try to trust more.  And if you lose your trust, try again.  And eventually, you’ll find that you’ll look for things to increase your faith when doubt arises.  But then, there may be some areas where your faith is misplaced.

I love to tell the story of the time Handsome put a leash on me and opened the car door, so I excitedly knew he was taking me somewhere… and then slammed the door right on my tail!  I screamed, and he fell onto it, checking out every bone, apologizing with every breath, begging my forgiveness.  It was okay, nothing was broken.  But I learned something very important.  That he’s not perfect.  He didn’t mean to hurt me, but he did.  So ever since, when I get into a car, I turn so that I know my tail’s not in the door.  And he thanks me for it.

You see, my faith, in him being perfect and never making a mistake, was misplaced.  Where my faith belongs, and exists fully, is in his love for me.  That I fully trust.  But I needed to adjust my beliefs.

So have faith as far as you can.  And then, maybe, you’ll need to tweak it just a little.  But then it can be strong again, stronger than ever.

Best of luck!

0 How to help a friend going through a painful time

Danish asks: The grandmother of this girl I really like is in very critical condition in a hospital, so we can’t talk properly. I feel very bad for her and want to give her my emotional support. Can u please tell me what can I talk with her about, in this time when her family is in trouble?

Hi Danish –

I’m awfully sorry about her grandmother.  I hope she’s not suffering.

This is a very tough situation – for her of course, but also for you.  The fact is there’s no one-size-fits-all answer.  It’s just about what she needs at any particular time.

When my human friend Handsome was in his first year in college, a girl he was very close to found out that her long-distance boyfriend was breaking up with her.  She was devastated.  And she would, a few times a day, come to Handsome and cry on him.  But she also needed breaks from that.  So she’d go to another guy friend of hers, who didn’t have the emotional strength to handle her tears, and talk with him about anything but her romantic pain.  Between the two guys, she got what she needed, and was able to move on with her life after a couple of pained weeks.

Which guy was right? Which was what she needed?  Both!  But at different times.

So this girl is going through this tough time – scared, confused, and may be in grief soon.  What can you do?  Well, I’d say you can do the one thing both those boys did all those years ago:  BE THERE for her.  Do your best to see what she needs.  If it’s to cry and talk about her grandmother, then be there for that.  If it’s to get away and see a funny movie and think about anything else, then that’s a great thing to do with her too.

The two keys are, first, to be available.  But second, to be aware.  See what she needs.  Ask, if you have to ask, but it’s better if you can just tell.

We dogs are great at that.  I’ll be around a person who’s feeling sad, and just feel their pain, and walk over and lay my head in their lap.  You can’t quite do that with her, but you sure can give her the same message:  I CARE.

That’s what she needs to know most right now.  And the best gift you can give her.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should you make someone else your whole world?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle, a friend told me. “You shouldn’t make someone be your world.” I don’t quite get this thought, and I’ve tried for years already. Can you explain this to me? How bad is it to make someone your world? Is that bad even?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well I’m going to sound like a hypocrite here, because what I say is going to be very different from the way that I live.

You see, as you know, I’m a dog.  And we are genetically programmed to be extremely devoted to one person or pack.  In my case, it’s my human friend Handsome.  I have all sorts of other interests, like chasing squirrels and writing these letters, but in the end, he is my world.

But you’re a person.  And that line you’re asking about was written for people.

There is, of course, nothing wrong with falling head-over-heels in love, or devoting yourself to someone.  That’s just great.  But what they’re talking about is letting, or making, someone ALL you care about.  And yes, this is a recipe for disaster.

First, it’s a lot of Continue reading

0 How to move on from a long-gone relationship.

LittleGirlBigAppetite asks: It’s close to one whole year since I broke up with my boyfriend. After the breakup, I did everything possible to move on. Blocked him on social media, hung out with my friends a lot, concentrated on my studies and also did the things that you’d told me to do in your previous letter. It all went well for 5 months and I even forgave him for ruining our relationship, though my feelings for him were still there. So therefore I unblocked him. But he texted me back in April and we agreed to be friends. Slowly as days went by my feelings and hopes of getting back together got stronger. He too confessed that he still has feelings for me, though I find it hard to believe. As he stays in a city 2 hours away from me, I knew that meeting up wasn’t possible anytime soon due to our busy schedules (one of the reasons why we broke up). Plus I always have this nagging feeling that he might be seeing other girls. So to save myself from all the pain all over again, I told him that we should stop talking in August. Its October now, and I am still hurting. I can’t seem to stop thinking about him no matter what. There’s always this empty, hollow feeling inside me and I’m worried that I might go into depression. It has already started affecting my sleep. Is there anything I can do apart from the regular ‘how to move on from your ex activities’ that might help?

Hi LittleGirlBigAppetite –

I sure hope this guy appreciates how much you feel for him!  Even if nothing ever happens between you two again, it’s pretty amazing to have someone care that much.

I’m very complimented that you took my previous letter so strongly.  And I’m glad you did the things I suggested, which were mostly about how to deal with heading into a period of depression.

Well now that it’s been a while, and all this other stuff has happened, I think it’s time to move into another phase.  Let’s get your life started again!

When you wrote me before, you talked about how this guy was the only one you’d ever felt comfortable with.  So now, time has moved on, you’ve gotten stronger and survived the breakup… but he’s still the only one you’ve felt that way with.

Well if that’s the case, then I know just the cure for you.  You need to Continue reading

0 How to move a relationship forward from friends to more

PERFECTION asks: I’m continuing to make moves for the girl I’ve always wanted to be with me, and so far everything seems to fall right in. But we don’t have classes anymore and I have a job already, so what worries me is that I won’t be able to see her frequently. I’m finding ways to maintain communication with her, but I’m also afraid that she might get annoyed. What do you think I should do? I get this feeling like I want to call her but I’m afraid she might get mad. Though all the things that I have done seem to have a positive feedback lately. She’s sweet in person, but in text messages or chat most of the time she’s not. Should I worry? Is that a bad sign?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that you’ve been doing everything right, and are in exactly the place you’ve been wanting to be.  The bad news is that now there are so many unknowns.  It’s like when you’re looking for a job, and you find three places that say they’d like to hire you, but you don’t know which will treat you well or badly, or where something really awful could happen to you, or something phenomenally great.

What you need is a fortune-teller, a psychic, who can tell you everything you can’t figure out.  Well… if you believe such people actually have that power!

That’s where you are with this girl.  You need to be able to read her mind, to know just what she wants, and how often she’d like to hear from you, and what her favorite candy is… and I can’t offer any of that information!  I haven’t the faintest idea.

Now you can do what lots of people do, and study every letter of her texts to try to figure out details.  But I find that often doesn’t work either – you end up responding to some “hint” that she never meant, and you’d be just as well off not having done all that work.

But I will throw a few thoughts at you, just based on what I’ve seen of human nature.

First, the single most attractive, sexy, enticing quality a person can have is Continue reading

0 How to handle being in an affair

Bernice asks: I have a boyfriend, but suddenly felt in love with another person who also has a girlfriend. We both felt in love and had an affair. Now I’m confused if the new guy loves me, because he treats me good and he claims he loves me, but we are both dating. What should I do?

Hi Bernice –

What a situation!  Wow!

Well of course I can’t answer your fundamental question – how he feels about you.  But I can comment on the situation you’re in.  It’s a very tough one.  For two main reasons.

First, of course, it’s hard for either you or this new guy to trust each other, because you know each of you keeps big secrets from the person you’re dating.  So if he says he loves you, if he even says he loves you best of all, why would you believe it, when you can assume he’s saying the same thing to his girlfriend?  And similarly, why should he believe you?

And secondly, you’re in that miserable place everyone who gets involved with an attached person has, where you’re always the second choice.  Since your boyfriend is officially  with his girlfriend, she’s the one who’ll accompany him at any important event, or out with his friends.  Which is of course going to make you feel less-than.  And again, what he’s doing to you, you’re doing to him, in this regard.

So when he says these things, how can you figure out whether or not to believe him?

Well, I can think of three ways.  But both are tough, really tough.

First, you two could Continue reading

0 Is it good to take a break from a relationship

G asks: I’ve been in a relationship for the past year or so. I do love the guy I’m dating but recently I have been overthinking a lot and thinking about taking a break. I get contradictory thoughts: one which says that I love him and another which says that it’s fading away. I don’t know what to do.

Hi G –

The big question here is what exactly you mean by “break.”

For example, I sleep on Handsome’s bed, but every once in a while, I feel like sleeping on the floor for a few hours.  Then in the middle of the night I’ll jump back on and lie next to him, where I feel safe and loved.  So you might say I took a break.

Then once or twice a year, Handsome will leave me, not just for a day or two, but for over a week.  He calls it a “vacation” or “trip.”  Maybe he flies to another city or country (it’s always about him flying; if he can drive, he takes me).  So he’s taken a break from me – even if I wasn’t the reason for the break.

But I’ve also heard humans talk about taking “a break” in a relationship, meaning that they want to try breaking up and see how it feels, and if they want to fully break up or not.

It’s totally normal to feel full-on love at times and not at others.  Especially when a couple’s been together for a long time.  The big question is about the rest of your relationship – is he an ideal partner for you, do you two enjoy each other even when the passion’s not there, and biggest of all – do you think you might want to stay together for a long time, or forever?

If you’re not sure about those last questions, then yes, maybe taking a break is a good idea, just to see how you feel apart.  But of course, doing that might make him go away, while you begin to realize you care more than you’d realized.  So it is risky.  But if we’re talking about the rest of your lives, maybe it’s better to take that risk now than to later regret not taking it.

Still, I know this kind of decision is no fun.  Sorry you have to go through it.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to build self-esteem when you’re not as attractive as your friends

Tyna asks: Could you talk to me about self-esteem? You talked about dressing well, etc…. Unfortunately, I don’t even feel like I love myself that much. (I tried to harm myself). I always feel like nothing I wear will look good anyway, as I am not that slim. People seem to prefer slim People, which am not. When I am moving around with my friends, it’s them people will notice, and my head goes back to, “Maybe you are ugly or maybe you look fatter than all of them, and therefore are unattractive.” I don’t know what to do Shirelle.

Hi Tyna –

My biggest wish for you is that you realize how normal your feelings are.  MOST people feel inferior a lot, and almost ALL people have trouble about their appearance.  Of course, there are degrees of these things, and if your anxiety is truly overwhelming you, I very much recommend you find a good psychotherapist to help you with it (they are really good at anxiety, and can probably get you feeling at least somewhat better within a few weeks).

Everybody is worse at some things than most people.  Most people aren’t the very best at anything.  This is absolutely fine, and does not cast any bad light on anyone’s worth.  I will never be as fast as a greyhound, as big as a Great Dane, or as smart as Lassie.  Big deal!  I know I’ve got some worth (at least to you – you didn’t write that annoying collie, did you!  You wrote ME!).  And I especially know that I have worth to my dearest friends.  They don’t want a smarter or stronger or prettier dog – they love ME.

So you’re feeling inferior.  Well, look at the two of us.  I can almost certainly run faster than you.  I’m very sure I can bite harder and bigger than you can!  But you can probably talk.  You can probably grab things with your hand.  You probably can do math.  You can probably sing.  Well I can’t do any of those – so who’s the inferior one here?!

But you don’t need me to put down your sense of inferiority – if you liked and respected it, you would never have written that letter to me.  What you want is to move past it.  And the best technique I’ve ever heard for that is to 

master something.  Lots of people never master anything, so they don’t really realize how much they can do!  So is there something that you love?  Do you love music, or art, or building things?  Could you take a class, and learn to play the violin, or make beautiful pots, or rebuild a car engine?  Just the act of doing one of those things will make you feel immensely better about yourself.  And doing it to the degree of mastery?  Oh Tyna, you won’t believe how good you’ll feel about yourself!  Like the day I caught a squirrel and brought it in and dropped it at Handsome’s feet as he was climbing out of the shower!  I felt so great!  (It was funny, his reaction wasn’t exactly what I expected though – something more like, um, terror!).

The other thing I really recommend is to try to catch yourself when you say things that put yourself down.  When you walk into a room of strangers, do you tell yourself “No one here wants to know me, I’m unwantable?”  Well, that would be a really good thing to talk yourself out of.  How about replacing it with “I don’t know anyone here, but if I’m friendly, probably someone here will like talking with me.”  It’s not huge confidence, but it’s the truth, right?  And your believing that will make you more attractive!  I know that sounds weird, but it’s true!  

So you say slim people are more attractive than you.  Maybe one thing you could master would be losing a little weight?  Sure, maybe you’ll never be as skinny as Taylor Swift, but, again, the better you feel about yourself, the better you’ll look to others.

Speaking of singers, I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of publicity about the great singer Aretha Franklin, who passed away recently.  She battled weight issues her whole life, and was famously deeply shy, but was one of the most sought-after and beloved humans of the last century.  Why? Because she had such mastery over her art, and showed such joy in doing it.

Again, my friend, I’m not going to tell you this is all easy.  But the better you can feel about how you treat yourself (AND PLEASE, WRITE ME BEFORE YOU CONSIDER CUTTING AGAIN!  I have a few questions about that on my website, and desperately want to help you not fall into that behavior ever again!), the better you’ll come off to others, and the more attractive you’ll be.

Great!  Good Luck, and I hope to hear back from you soon,

Shirelle

0 What to do when someone forces you to stay in a relationship.

Tannu asks: My boyfriend has kept me in blindness. He used to tell me that he is very rich. And he has taken my savings from me and said he will return it to me in two three days. But he has not returned it. I loved him so much. I have done whatever he told me to do, but he has lied to me for three years (taking my money, saying his father was ill). When I came to know about the truth he apologized to me and begged me to leave with him. I am in confusion what to do. But on the other side he used to curse me and put finger on my character. He used to tell me that I would leave him for money and didn’t accept his apology because I started liking someone else. Now I don’t want to stay with him, but he’s forcing me to, to get my money back. I don’t know what to do in this situation.

Hi Tannu –

I have to admit, just from your letter, I’m not liking this fellow very much.  He sounds like a total, awful jerk.  Not just kind of a jerk.

So this is a horrible situation.  And there’s no good easy way out of it.

One answer, if you can afford it, is to just walk away.  Forget about the money, and figure it’s your payment to have a life free of this creep.

But if you can’t afford that, my suggestion is to get some ‘muscle.’  Maybe some lawyers, but someone to confront him and force him to pay you back.

The only thing I really DON’T want you doing is just what you are doing, which is playing his game and staying in the relationship on his terms.  This is soul-destroying, and gives him every reason in the world to not pay you back!

I wish I knew more, and could tell you exactly what to do.  But I can only urge you to choose some solution other than staying.  This current situation just stinks.

All my best wishes,

Shirelle