Category Archives for "Adults"

0 Choosing the Chase: the power of hope

Choosing the Chase: the power of hope

            Handsome told me about a really interesting photo he saw recently.  Two signs are hanging on a fence, not quite even.  One of them says “You Matter.”  And the other says “Don’t Give Up.”  But because they’re next together, you could read them as saying “You Don’t Matter.  Give Up.”  It’s all in how your mind takes it in.  And I’d argue, what your mind chooses to take in.

            Now the point of the photo is to be funny, but I think there’s something really important in it.  We see evidence all the time that can be used to argue one point or another.  For example, I see a squirrel a few meters away from a tree; is that good news for me (I can chase him and catch him), or for him (he’s close enough to get up the tree before I get there)? 

            Or maybe a boy you like at school asks you what you got on a question from last night’s math homework.  Does that mean he was looking for a reason to talk to you, or that he’s only interested in you because you’re good at math?  Same evidence, different reading.

            Or… We’ve all seen a sixteen-year-old girl speaking out about how humans have been ignoring the damage they’re doing to the planet, while governments and industries dismiss or deny her words.  Does this mean the human race is moving forward into a new era of ecological responsibility?  Or that ‘The System’ is too powerful for even the strongest voices to change anything?

            Both.  Or Either.

            So let me go back to that squirrel (as I’m highly inclined to do).  Now I could decide that he’s too close to the tree, and not chase him, and I’d be fine.  I wouldn’t have the fun of chasing him, or the thrill of catching him, but I’d be no worse off than I was before.  Or I could chase him and fail to catch him, and feel some disappointment.  Or I could chase him and catch him, yippee!

            There’s not a right choice, or a wrong choice.  But, as some serious philosophers who know a lot more than I do have said, the choice I make defines me, at least to a certain degree.  Either I’m the kind of dog who takes the chance to chase that squirrel, or I’m not.  And in the long run, that definition will matter a lot more than whether or not I catch him.  It’ll be my essence.

            So when that cute boy asks you for that help, who are you?  Are you the girl who tells him “no,” because you’re sure he’ll only hurt your feelings by ignoring you afterward?  Or are you the girl who helps him but then runs away out of nervous shyness?  Or are you the girl who says “I can give you the answer, but that’ll only help you for the moment.  Want to meet up after school at the library, and I’ll explain it to you so you can pass the test as well?”  Oooh, I know which one I’d want to be!

            Now again, he might say no.  He might be busy, or he might be a horrible jerk who says “No, if people saw us together it’d ruin my reputation,” and you’ll cry all night. 

            But again, who are you?  How you choose to look at his question will define that.

            In my country, we have a leader who most voters didn’t want; he got elected by a weird rule from 230 years ago that really makes no sense.  Since then, he’s never gained popularity, and a lot of people who hadn’t known what to think of him now see him as a lying criminal.  The next election is later this year, and the opposition party is engaged in a big battle for who they’ll nominate to go up against him, but in most polls, every one of them comes out ahead of him.

            So why is it that, every day, I hear people bemoaning the “fact” that he’s going to get re-elected?  He’s unpopular, he’s lost far more supporters than he’s gained over time, and he’s gotten caught at numerous illicit activities.  So why aren’t they celebrating?  Yes he might win, through fair or unfair means, but the odds are in their favor.  So why?

            It’s those signs.  They’ve gotten so used to being disappointed about him, they’re seeing “You Don’t Matter.  Give Up.” Instead of the other.  They’re seeing the squirrel being close to the tree, not just out of distance of it.  They’re seeing the polluters win over the outspoken girl.  And they’re preparing themselves for the boy to ignore them after getting that right answer.

            Of course, some goals are unattainable (I can’t catch flying birds) and some are easy (I never have trouble getting the dinner Handsome leaves out for me).  All I’m talking about is the in-betweens.  The Hards.  But again, you get to choose what you do when you see those.  And that means you get to choose exactly who you are.

            A beautiful old song sings, “The difficult I’ll do right now.  The impossible will take a little while.”  That might be taking things a bit far, but I can tell you, until I get so old my legs can’t lift me up, I will always chase that squirrel.  Not because I’ll catch him.  Just because I don’t want to be that dog who doesn’t.

            Be who you choose. 

            After all, who else would you want to be?!

0 How to deal with great guys wanting you, while you want freedom

JuicyBest asks:

I dated a guy for almost three years, and I cheated on him, but despite everything I did to him he still said he loves me. I broke up with him because I started dating a guy who I recently broke up with, and he still says he loves me. The truth is, for now, I just want to be single because I’m 19, and 300 level in university and I want to focus more on me, school, and a business I intend setting up for myself when we resume.  But I don’t know If my plans are ok.

Hi JuicyBest –

So, um, I have to say, I think your plans are FANTASTIC!  Sure I would have suggested you not cheat on your boyfriend, but you were young, and it’s a lot better than cheating on a husband when you have three kids and a house!  So, hopefully you learned from that experience.  

And in fact, that’s what I’m getting most from your letter – that you’ve learned a lot from experience.  And this has put you in a place where, although two good (or great) guys are saying they love you, you want to focus on your schooling and setting up a business.  I think that’s just great!

You do have a couple of choices, though, now.  You could tell one or both of these guys that you need to be single for a while (say, a year or two), but you’d love them to stay in touch with you, maybe hang out at times, but just not get involved physically or romantically.  One good thing about doing that is that you’d get to learn a lot about them.  Would one say “Forget it, if I can’t have you for a lover, I don’t want anything to do with you!”?  Well that would tell you a lot about what kind of partner they’d be long-term, wouldn’t it!  Or if one says “Okay, but I’m going to need to date other women while I wait for you,” you’d get a chance to see what sort of guy he’s like with other girls – how he treats them, what he learns (maybe he’d even come to you for advice!).  Or, yeah it’s possible one of them could say “I’ll just stay single and wait for you.”  And that would say a lot too.

What I love about what you’re doing is that you’re setting your boundaries, and saying who you are and what you want.  How these guys, or anyone else, treats you is then up to them.  But you will then learn who likes or loves you AS YOU WANT TO BE, and who can’t accept it.  Which is just the best stuff to learn for your future!

After all, if Handsome didn’t love the wild uncontrollable puppy I was, there’s no way I would trust him to love the more mature goofball I’ve become!

So I say to go for it.  And maybe let me know what this cool business is!  I’m really impressed!

Cheers,

Shirelle

0 How to avoid being taken advantage of

PERFECTION asks:

I have had enough of being taken advantage of by people. Being so vulnerable, being good, and all. Letting them just use me the way they want to. I usually only fight for myself whenever I’m already at my breaking point. Right now I just want people to stop looking at me like I’m someone they can use. 

Hi PERFECTION –

This is a huge issue for lots of people, and particularly for good, kind, honorable people.  You have values and want to live up to them, and find that you’re still getting treated awfully by those around you.

So there are two reasons this might be happening (and both could be true at the same time).  In one case, you’re just unlucky, and live in rough circumstances. For example, let’s say you were a slave, or a victim of kidnapping, or a prisoner of war.  In these cases, through no fault of your own, you’re being treated horribly and denied even your most basic human rights.  Or, at a lesser level, you are treated worse than others because of your skin color or gender or some other irrational prejudice.  In these cases, if there are solutions, they are complex and difficult, and I don’t have the brains to help (There’s a new movie coming out about Harriet Tubman, for example, who led a phenomenal system to help American slaves escape their tormentors.  I don’t have the brilliance to tell you how to do what she did!).

But there’s another situation, where the person being treated badly actually does do something (unintentionally, unconsciously) that brings bad behavior on.  Maybe it’s the woman who picks one abusive boyfriend after another; maybe it’s the guy who can’t keep himself from showing off his intellect and knowledge in ways that anger everyone around him; maybe it’s the child who has that “special something” that makes other kids want to bully them.  In these cases, yes, there is something you can do about it.  But I’d have to

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0 What to do when your girlfriend’s ex reaches out to her

Outcast asks: My girlfriend told me yesterday that her boyfriend called her and said he missed her. So I told her to stop talking to him. Then she told me she doesn’t talk to him, its only him who keeps texting her and if she doesn’t reply he calls her.  I told her to block him, but the weird part is she refused to do so, claiming that she feels it’s weird. I asked her why but she told me that she doesn’t have a reason to block his number. I was so upset so I asked her, “Aren’t I a reason enough?” But she just kept telling me she can’t do it. So I don’t know what to do.  I feel like I should just break up with her, since I don’t understand why she would bring someone she says she wanted to forget back into her life, just because she thinks it’s “weird” not to!

Hi Outcast –

Okay, so before I get to anything else in your question, my nose is wiggling wildly at something you said in that first sentence.  You said she told you “her boyfriend called her.”  Her boyfriend?!  Isn’t that you?!  And my big question is, did she refer to this guy as that, or is that just the way you described him to me?

I don’t have any issue with people talking with their exes, as long as everyone’s open and honest about it.  So the fact that she told you he called makes me think she’s not doing anything wrong.  But I would like to know what she told him when he said he misses her.  Did she say “I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend and you know that we’re not a couple anymore,” or “I miss you too, and maybe we could have lunch sometime, and you can meet Outcast – you’d love him, he’s a great guy!”  Or was she more confused, giving him less clarity about their relationship?

Lots of times people break up, and then one of them doesn’t quite “get it.”  One will think there’s potential for them to get back together when there isn’t.  And sometimes one will even think they are more back together than they are!  So it’s really important that she’s clear with him.  I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, or doing anything wrong.  I’m just saying she needs to make her boundaries clear.  That way, if he’s purposely trying to weasel in and get her back, she’s letting him know that’s not going to happen; and if he’s just missing her and being sweet, she’s gently letting him know he needs to move on.

But that’s all about her, and you’re asking what you should do.  I would suggest you support her in this.  Help her out, give her advice.  Again, she’s being open with you, so help her out.  If she decides she wants to get back together with him, you’ll know it.  But in the meantime, you being the best guy she’s ever known will make that far less likely!

Anyway, it’s worth a try, I think!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 How to tell if your ex is trying to get back together

Kaushik asks: It’s been 3 years since my ex-girlfriend and I split. There was not much drama at that time. 
However, now she wants to go swimming, running and cycling with me. She also wants me to help her with her home business. My question is, is she trying to get back or give our relationship another shot?
If yes, do I have to take the initiative of asking her about it or should I wait for her to ask me about it?
FYI 3 years ago, she took the initiative to breakup with me, twice. 

Hi Kaushik –

I see this situation a lot.  Three years ago, she felt something was wrong in her romance with you – maybe it was something clear (she didn’t like a quality you had, or she was interested in someone else, or she just wasn’t ready to commit), but maybe it wasn’t; maybe something inside her just said “this isn’t right for me right now.  He’s a great guy, but… something feels off.”

And if she decided to end things for any of those reasons, most likely she was right.  I’m a big believer in you humans listening to your instincts, and obeying those inner voices when you can.

But now, time has moved on, and she’s a little different.  And maybe she’s wondering about getting involved with you again, with both of you a bit more mature.  Or maybe she’s just remembering how great a guy you were, and wanting to have those qualities she loved back in her life.

I don’t know which she’s feeling, or if it’s perhaps a mix.

And more importantly, I don’t care!

What matters to me is

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0 What to do when your ex connects to you in your dreams.

Maya asks:

Hi Shirelle 
I’ve been having weird dreams, like every time I go to bed all I can see in my dream are robbers, stealing our property and we’re down again to level zero, with totally nothing. After this dream the next thing I see is my Ex – he’s not acting weird in my dream but when I wake up in the morning, he’s tried to call me, but since I moved on with my life I’ve never bothered myself to answer any of his calls. Anytime I get that weird dream, I must get his call the very next morning or during the day that he tried to call. What’s going on?!
Please help me.

Hi Maya –

WOW is this cool!

I’m not an expert on dreams.  Most of mine, as with most dogs, involve hunting or fighting.  I’d like to have more where I’m getting fed yummy treats and being tummy-rubbed, but those activities seem to be confined to my waking hours – and not enough of them!

One thing I do strongly believe is that different people (and dogs) have different gifts.  One person is musically amazing, another can throw a ball so far with perfect accuracy… and some people have some second sight.  The ability to see something that isn’t visible to the rest of everyone.  Maybe that involves picking up on people’s energies (lots of dogs have that one), or, as in your case, having some ability to predict, or cause, something in the future.

Why am I saying “cause?”  Because I don’t know if your dreams are your awareness that your ex is going to call, or they’re making him call!  It could go either way!

But what’s clear is that, for whatever reason, when you have those dreams, he calls.  And, for now, that’s all we know.  

My advice really has nothing to do with your relationship with this guy.  It’s that I strongly urge you to keep noting anything like this.  Some people keep a pad of paper and a pen by their bedsides, so they can write down their dreams the second they wake up (since our memories of most dreams run away from us faster than a truckload of cats!).  You have a gift.  And we don’t know exactly what it is yet.  But it should be honored and investigated.

Maybe you can predict some things.  Now your lonely ex calling isn’t that big a deal, but what if you could predict something really good, or really bad?  Or maybe, as I said, your dream is actually encouraging him to call.  Well today, you have no power over those dreams, but what if you eventually found that you did?  It would be like prayer or manifestation times a thousand!

So again, to me this is just amazing news.  Yeah, it tells you not to answer your phone without looking when you’ve dreamt of robbers in the last couple of nights.  But it could become SO MUCH MORE!!

Congratulations!  I’m proud to know you!

Shirelle

2 The Space Between – finding the sacred in every day

            I was lying down on the bed, as I always like to do in the middle of the day, with my eyes closed, when I heard footsteps come near me.  And before I opened my eyelids, I realized something: I didn’t know what to feel!  If it was Handsome or a friend of his coming by, that was really good news – I might get petted or even fed a treat.  But if it was a stranger, then I needed to go on the alert – to growl or snarl, to defend our home, or even to run away.  And in either case, my reaction wasn’t so much about the person as about their proximity.  How close they were to me.

            After all, I walk through the world with strangers all the time, whenever Handsome takes me on a walk or to anywhere.  And they don’t mean anything much to me, just maybe occasionally someone to sniff.  But some will come into my awareness, enter my space, connect to my energy with theirs, and suddenly they’re my new best friend, or a serious foe.

            This all made me think about the nature of the space between us.  At this moment right now, there is a space between you and me.  Maybe it’s three feet, maybe it’s twelve thousand miles, but you and I have a spatial relationship (Of course we have another relationship by you reading this, but I’m only talking about physical distance here).  And most likely it’s a space we’re not noticing, that really doesn’t matter at all to us.

            But when someone gets to a certain nearness to us, our sense of that space changes.  Again, maybe that’s a negative – maybe you’re walking down a dark street and someone starts walking too close to you for your comfort, and you’re frightened. 

            But often, very often, the space is something else.  Not negative at all.  Let’s say you’re shopping in a grocery store, and there’s a person a few feet away from you, looking at the salad dressing while you’re looking at olives.  No big deal at all.  But then they turn to ask you about olive oil.  And suddenly everything has changed.  The space between you has a question to it – are they really just asking about olive oil?  Are they attracted to you and trying to start a conversation?  Are they nice?  Do you want to talk to them?  Maybe you like the way they look and hope they’ll stick around?  Or maybe you’re just happy to help a stranger out?  Or maybe you don’t know anything about olive oil and are a little embarrassed?

            My point is that whenever two conscious beings are near each other, there’s a mystery.  Maybe very little (like if you’re next to your sister whom you’ve known all your life, and who frankly bores you, but who could  punch you in the cheek, or not!), or maybe a lot – like before I opened my eyelids that afternoon.  And that, unless one of you is really frightened, the less you know about what to expect, the more magical that space is.  In fact, I’d even call it Sacred.

            Have you ever been to a play?  That moment the curtain opens, you feel an excitement – maybe something will entertain you, make you laugh or cry, change your view on something.  Or when the lights go down in a movie theater and the screen lights up.  The stage and the screen are, to my mind, fully sacred spaces (Of course I’m basing this on what I’ve heard – no one’s ever let me into a movie theater).  Or ask a painter what the most sacred space in the world is, and I can almost guarantee, they’ll tell you “a blank canvas!”

            Or think of when you’ve had a dance at school.  Maybe it’s in a gym.  You’ve had your Physical Education classes there every day for years, but that night it’s different.  The room is full of unknown, of mystery.  Will that person you’ve had an eye on for weeks want to dance with you?  Will they talk with you?  Will they want to walk outside with you?  Will they sneer at you and tell you to go away?  The air is electric with excitement, with anticipation, with fear.  And the walls, the floor, the chairs, everything is new and mysterious.  Now if you have a lousy night, no one wants to dance with you, and you feel lonely and humiliated, then there’s nothing you’re going to see as special there.  But what if there’s even a moment of a chance…  Isn’t the place suddenly a bit more supernatural?!

            What I’m after here is for you, me, all of us, to open ourselves up more, to feel the magic that exists every time we meet anyone.  Not just the materially hopeful side (this person might give me a treat!  Or that one might give you a job!), but that you never know what that person, or dog, is really like.  That you might get something from them that will change your life – a new perspective, a new friend, even a new joke.  And the more we’re aware of that, the more we can feel the sacredness of that space, the beauty of it, the shock of possibility.

            I guess what I’m really saying is that mystery, unless it’s clouded by fear, is always sacred.  The unknown is sacred.  Animals are sacred. And because their whole lives are unknowable, babies are the most sacred thing of all.

            Try it.  Walk up to someone, whether you know them or not, and feel how the energy changes when you’re a meter away, half a meter away, a quarter.  Yes there can be fear, but there’s also anticipation.  And you can use that any way you like.  To look away politely, or to smile warmly, or to have some fun with it.  (Like have you ever stood in an elevator, where everyone politely looks around and avoids each other, and made a silly face and a goofy sound?  THAT is honoring that sacred space in a great way!  I love jumping on people there, where they can’t get away, but Handsome usually keeps me from doing it in case they’re afraid of me.  You don’t have that problem!)

            The potential for love and humor and help is everywhere.  And you can make it your life.  The world can be your temple if you let it.

            Just do what I did on that bed.  Feel it, and open your eyes!

0 Should one pursue someone who’s been a victim of abuse?

PERFECTION asks: I had a fling with someone two years back.  Recently she broke up with her boyfriend, due to physical injuries she’s experienced when they were still together, and I am kind of lost on how to handle things with her. I mean I don’t know what to do, should I lend her some time and space? Or should I keep talking to her? I don’t want to take the advantage of what happened to her lately. It’s been a week and 3 days since the day they broke up, and truth be told I’m scared she’s gonna go back and be with that horrible guy again. 

Hi PERFECTION –

Often I don’t have strong opinions on when to start to pursue someone after a breakup, and just suggest you go with your own sense of where she’s at.  But this sounds like a different situation.

She broke up with him due to physical injuries?!  Does that mean he was beating her up?  Or was he insensitive to her needs after, maybe, she was hurt in a car accident?  Whatever the case, I would imagine she is feeling horribly alone and vulnerable.

Which means it’s a GREAT time for you to reach out.  But not for romance.  

This guy, you say, is horrible.  And I know you’re not.  That’s all you need her to experience.  Call or write her, or even show up at her door.  Be friendly, be caring, be EVERYTHING HE’S NOT.  And be patient.  

Remember, in this regard you humans aren’t that different from us dogs.  We begin as playful trusting puppies, but if some human is mean to us, we’re going to question every human we meet after that.  And we can develop bigotries too – a tall white man kicked us so we’re fine with other people, but will try to bite any tall white man who comes near us, for example.  And while you’re not just like her ex, you’re still a man.  So understand that YOU ARE A THREAT, at least to the traumatized part of her.  As nice as you are, as kind as you are, you need to get her to trust that you’re just as much better than this jerk as you are.

So again, just as if you’d just brought home a rescued abused dog, be Patient, Patient, Patient.

But be there for her.  Today she needs you.  And another day, she may well want you again to.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when a relationship takes so many turns you could go crazy

Chica asks:

So I got acquainted with this guy T on Instagram.  He was a common friend. We started talking and hit it off in a week. He was not in a good mental state at  that time, so I supported him and helped him in that phase. At the end of two weeks he confessed that he was falling for me, and I can’t deny I felt for him too. We met for the first time on and felt instant connection. We just knew that this was something special. We started seeing each other almost every day. We were really happy together. When I was around him I was the happiest, and I knew it was real, I felt it in my bones. The problem was he was moving to another city for his education, and we were not sure if we could sustain long distance, but still we wished to give our relationship a chance. He had even mentioned about our future. He often spoke about how it would be if I got married to him. He once even told me he felt like I would be the best mother to our children. I remember I couldn’t sleep that night because I was so happy. But after a couple of months my parents found out I was dating him, and they disapproved because in our culture it’s not acceptable to be involved sexually with the opposite sex before marriage, and also we both are just 18 – hence my parents reacted really harshly and warned him to not contact me ever again. He was devastated, so was I. His mother had stopped talking to him and my parents had grounded me. They all were really angry. He moved to another city a week later. I contacted him and asked him if he still wanted me, if he still wanted to hold on, and he said he would be by my side forever, and that he would convince my parents.  But once he moved he started getting distant. There were times that he completely ignored me, but I understood that he was not in the right mental state because of the trauma caused by our families. But after a while things started falling apart. He was getting more and more distant, and then one fine day he asked me if I could give him commitment for marriage. I told him I was ready but first I wanted him to focus on his career so that we could convince my parents that he is the best guy for me. But he reacted really harshly to that – he was like he is not sure if he can accept my parents after that incident. After a few days I told him I was ready for commitment, I want us to build our home together. But that day he said he doesn’t want that anymore. He said he hates my family and he can never really be comfortable with them. I thought he was just angry and will come around, but things started getting worse day by day.  I decided to contact his friend who stayed in the same city as me. But this friend was against my guy. It seemed like he was not here to help his friend but actually break our relationship. After sometime me and my guy got back on normal talking terms, so I told him that I had approached his friend for advice, and in an angry state I said things that I didn’t really mean. But this thing hurt my guy and he broke it off completely. After 2 days I called him and he was like we can stay friends, and I agreed because I knew we would get back, but then after one week he told me about this other girl V. He showed me that she was much more important than me. He confessed he had feelings for her. I couldn’t believe him because 2 weeks before that he had asked me to marry him.  I questioned if what we had was real at all, or was I just a joke to him – if it was all real then how could he just love someone else in just one week. I still stuck to him because I felt like he was just trying to make me feel jealous. I stuck to him thinking that he would come back to me, that he still loved me, but day by day he started behaving really weirdly. He screamed at me and called me crazy on my birthday, hurting me a lot. I was devastated, but still I stuck to him because somewhere I still thought he loves me. But yesterday when we were talking I told him that hurt me in many ways, so he said that this is the reason he avoids me, because I play the victim game and mess his mind up. Even I got angry and told him off. After that he just blocked me, and I’ve lost him forever now.  And now I don’t know what to do and think. I always question did I mean anything at all – If I did how can he just leave like that? Oh God I don’t know what to do?

Hi Chica –

I’ve written on here before about my mixed feelings about cultures’ rules about what young people can and can’t do – I’m a big romantic, so I love things being kept kind of innocent, but I hate seeing true love dashed because of some old regulations.

So initially, I was on your and T’s side, and frustrated with your parents (though I can see their side too). 

But then, I’m really bothered by the way he treated you later.  I understand him being angry at your family, but rejecting you because he hates them makes me think he wasn’t really sincere about his love for you (after all, everyone has difficult relatives, right?).  And I’m even more bothered by his talking marriage to you one day, and committing to another woman within a week.

So as much as I hate to say it, Chica, I’m wondering if you’re better off without him.  And ironically, although it was for different reasons, if you’re better off that your parents broke the relationship off.  They were thinking about sex and tradition, but I’m thinking the real reason for you two to not be together is that he’s angry, sometimes hateful, and treats you like dirt!

I’m sure his feelings have been hurt, and his version of this story is very different from yours.  But even if he’s hurt and angry, there’s no reason to treat you this way – and certainly his treating you this way makes me think he’s not worthy of you.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he unblocks you and tries to make contact with you again soon.  And if he does, I can’t tell you whether to give him another chance again or not – just go with what feels right.  But I do urge you, if you deal with him at all again, let him know that he canNOT treat you that way anymore.  That you deserve better, no matter what you two have been through. 

And if he grows up and starts treating you well, I could support you two getting back together.  But if that doesn’t happen, I think the best thing for you to do is treat this whole amazing story as a great learning experience, one to carry with you (the wonderful parts and the awful ones) through the rest of your life, as you find a love or loves that treat you far better, as you deserve.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Is it impossible for men to move past heartbreaks?

senny asks:

I need relationship guidance.  Is it so hard for men to forget someone they loved in the past who broke their heart?

Hi senny –

My quick answer is Yes.  Just as it’s hard for anyone to ever forget any other horrible thing that happened to them.

Our brains (and I’m talking humans, dogs, even mice) are trained to learn most strongly from bad things.  That’s why governments have punishments for breaking laws – you might like the fact that your insurance company rewards you for being a good driver, but you’re going to remember that awful speeding ticket more!  

Maybe when you were very little, you put your hand on a hot stove.  Maybe your mother or father had told you many times, “Don’t put your hand there, it’ll hurt!” but you didn’t remember, or chose not to obey them.  But once you put your hand there and felt just how hot that burner was, you learned, and never did it again.

This just makes sense.  Our brains learn from bad things faster and more permanently than anything else, because otherwise none of us would survive.  We’d eat poison fruit again, after it had made us sick.  We’d pick fights with bigger dogs again.  We’d jump off high places, forgetting how painful it was when we landed.

So yes, heartbreak fits right in.  And humiliation, confusion, resentment – all the negative feelings that relationships can create.  (And of course, this is true for women as well as men).

And if I’m picking up on what you’re asking correctly, what you really want to know is how to move past this hurt, or help someone else move past it?  The best way – and really the only way as far as I can see – is to get more specific.  Let’s say Susan broke Ramin’s heart.  Now Ramin might go to a place of saying “I’ll never trust women again,” or “I’ll never trust anyone enough to love again.”  Well that’s a recipe for a miserable life.  But what if Ramin looks at this closer, and says “Susan was always flirting with other men.  So I’ll never fall in love with a woman who flirts with other men again.”  Well that’s a little better.  But what if he looks even closer and realizes, “Susan lied to me when we first met.  So I’m going to insist that anyone I let myself love has to be honest first.”  I like that better.  

So you see, we’ve moved from never trusting anyone again, to never trusting flirts, to never trusting liars.  Suddenly Ramin’s future looks a lot better!

If that makes sense, and if you can apply that to your situation, that’s great.  If not, please write me back and let me know more about your situation, and I’ll be thrilled to help you out!

Cheers,

Shirelle