0 How to keep listening to music your parent thinks is harmful

BVB ARMY asks: I took your advice and I’m 2 months clean (I haven’t cut in 2 months) but my mom says that the music I listen to is having a bad influence on me (I listen to rock and metal, etc.), and she thinks I’m going to become a Satanist. I’m really annoyed because it’s so hard to reason with her, and now she’s convinced because one of my mom’s stupid friends told her about a guy who liked the same type of music as me who then became a Satanist, and he started cutting and stuff and he went and joined with a Satanist group and has never been seen since. And since I’m a little depressed, my music is my only escape – and my mom wants me to stop listening to it even though it helps me. She just doesn’t get it! I tried to explain to her, but she says music can’t help anyone unless they want to go hell (my family is really religious), and she says if I listen to them I will become depressed (which I already am but she doesn’t know – and I can’t tell her because I don’t know how she will react. Once I tried to tell her and I almost started crying, so I changed the subject.

Hi BVB ARMY –

Thanks for telling me about your two months without cutting!  That’s GREAT news!  You’ve made my day!!!

I’ve written other pieces about the question of what kinds of music are good or bad.  But I think the real issue here isn’t about the music itself, but about your relationship with your mother.  She doesn’t sound like a bad woman to me – she sounds scared.  And scared because she loves you more than anything else in the entire world.

Now , I don’t agree with her opinion (or rather, her friend’s opinion) about heavy metal.  But I know that if I were doing something that Handsome thought was harmful for me, he would do everything in his power to stop it.  Like when I built up the strength and know-how enough to get over the fence and go out of our yard.  He had other stuff he had to do, but put it all aside to put up more fencing, so I couldn’t get out.  It’s not that I was being bad, it’s that he was petrified I’d get lost or run over or picked up by dogcatchers!  That’s how your mom’s feeling.

Your best bet, now, is to Continue reading

0 What do dreams mean?

Wolfy asks: Dreams are weird. That is a fact of life. There are also many myths about them. There is one myth I have been wondering about… If someone is thinking about you, that you will dream about them. I think it maybe is true? Maybe, as a common species, our minds are connected telepathically, which could explain why we get those feelings, like someone is watching us, or other little feelings we get that involve other humans. We know that people think about other people of course. The question I am asking is if someone thinks about you, will you dream about them?

Hi Wolfy –

Dreams are ridiculously cool.  Whenever I think about them, my mind just goes haywire.  Think about it – during your waking hours, your brain is working hard to take in all sorts of information (what you see, what you hear, smell, touch, and taste, what people are saying to you, what you need to remember to do later today… and so much more!), but when you sleep, it does its own thing, presenting images and stories that have nothing to do with what’s happening directly around you.  And we all do it – if you’ve never watched a dog fighting or hunting in its sleep, you have an enormous treat ahead of you!

And so for years, the greatest minds have struggled to figure out exactly what dreams are.  Some people say they tell the future.  Some say they’re our channel to learn what God wants us to know.  Sigmund Freud said they’re repressed parts of our personalities coming out.  Carl Jung said their our connection to the Collective Unconscious, a world of meaning shared by all.

And what do I think?

I have Continue reading

0 How to get past a trauma

Cashy asks: I am socializing now, but only with people I am familiar with. But I always feel awkward around boys I don’t interact with much (friends of friends mainly). I see them on a daily basis but I am still not comfortable with them. I am very quiet when I am around them. And I don’t like staying around boys when I am the only girl there, even if my guy best friend is there – I usually leave when my girl best friend leaves without even a goodbye. And I don’t actually know why. I have two theories as to why I am so awkward around them. One could be because I spent most of my childhood with no boys, only my sisters, or it could be because I was molested several times by different people when I was younger. Do you think my social awkwardness around unknown people is because I was molested? I mostly feel awkward around boys but I also feel awkward around normal people (waiters, cashiers, etc.). How can I cure myself of this? For example, I had several flashbacks of my molestations today, so I was super quiet. Should I share this with my friends? I shared this with one friend already who had been molested once too, and it felt better to know that I am not alone. So I want to tell another best friend, who I highly doubt has been molested. How do I move on with my life with knowing what happened to me? I know you would like me to see a therapist, but I would like to recover first without one. But if I am not able to move on, I will see a counselor if necessary.

Hi Cashy –

We dogs aren’t known for subtlety or “beating around the bush.”  So I’ll jump in on this one the same way I would on a squirrel or a pizza:  Yes, I think your social awkwardness is absolutely related to having been molested!  And yes, I want you to seek out better help than this loving, caring pup can give.

Here’s the deal.  Of course I don’t know the details of what was done to you, but children live in a world where they feel vulnerable and attacked all the time – a mean kid, an angry parent, a mean teacher, or (I hate to admit it but) a nasty dog all are really frightening to kids.  And yet, somehow they survive all that, and learn from it, and are able to grow into healthy adults.  But sometimes, an adult does things to a child that go beyond what’s normally Continue reading

0 How to create an advice website

Doglover 101 asks: You’ve given me great advice and inspired me to help others with their problems. Surprisingly, they think I’m good at it! My teacher also thinks I’m a pretty good author (So good she said I was the best author in the class). So um… I was thinking that maybe… Maybe I could have a website to give advice like you? But I’d be a human. So if I was ready enough maybe you could give me some tips to help me give advice to people all around the world. But only if you think it would be a good idea – and if running the type of website that you have (e.g. categories, banner art, links etc.) is free. What do you think?

Hi Doglover101 –

One great thing about what I do with this site is that there’s no sense of competition. People come to this site because they like what I say. If they don’t like my point of view, they go to other sites. And I’m not here to say my ideas are better or worse than the ones on those other sites – they’re just mine. So I have no problem with you starting a site too. But your concerns are correct – it’s quite a bit of work.

To begin with, creating any website takes some work and some money. I have been very lucky to have two incredible designers to help me create mine – one who did it for the first year or so (while it was being built), and then another who’s done it ever since. And that last one, Sherice, brought in the amazing Martin, the artist who has made all those gorgeous pictures you see on the different pages. And yes, while their prices were extremely reasonable, I did have to pay them for the work (well, actually, Handsome paid them – we pups don’t have a lot of ways to make money for ourselves).

Then I spent a lot of time getting questions from my friends and Handsome’s, so that we’d have some material on the site when it opened. And those took a lot of time to answer, of course.

Then, the biggest issue became Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend accuses you of lying

samantha asks: My boyfriend thinks I lied to him. I didn’t, but he won’t believe me and won’t answer my texts. Here is the situation: I got worried that he may have been cheating on me so I added one of his friends on snapchat that I saw he snapchats a lot, just wanted to see who the person was. On Monday, she posted a 45 second story of her in the car listening to music, but it never showed her face, so I went on with my day. Later in the day, my boyfriend texted me that his best friend said I screenshot her story on snapchat, so I replied saying I didn’t but that I watched the story. He then replied, “So you’re gonna lie when you just blocked her on snapchat? Why are you lying?” (with some more colorful words as well). I replied, “I haven’t blocked anyone or erased anyone or anything. I’m so confused about what you’re talking about.” He responded, “She called me all weekend asking who you were, and I know you blocked her.” And I responded, “I didn’t block her,” and he said “She doesn’t even know you,” so I then told him I had added her on snapchat to see who she was and that was it, and he accused me of lying again. I’ve since then tried to see him so we can talk in person, but he hasn’t responded to any of my texts.

Hi samantha –

You probably know, I’m usually a very positive-minded pup, eager to encourage people to try to make relationships work.  But in this particular case, I’m afraid I’m coming from a somewhat less excited place.

Let me explain.  Lots of couples treat each other well most of the time, but get into misunderstandings or arguments, which can often result in problems, and I’m so happy to step in and try to help them work things out, and get back to the loving place where everyone is happier.

But I’m not seeing that here!

I’m seeing a guy who’s very Continue reading

0 How to hang out with friends when you can’t drive

prettyndsweet12 asks: I’m finally 15 ! It seems like just yesterday I was 12 years old, struggling with my medical condition asking you for help. Now my life has changed a lot. I’m tired of people asking me to hang out and having to turn them down because I have no ride, or I’m scared to ask my mom. I wanna be the 15 year old that shops with her friends, has sleepovers, hangs out and even gets in trouble for being out to late! Where do I start – but most importantly how do I start? I don’t feel comfortable asking my mom to let me get picked up by a 16-year-old boy, but I want the teenage experience!

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

So if I understand your question rightly, you’re saying that your friends are asking you to come out and have fun, and you’re eager to do it, but you feel you can’t because you don’t have a ride and you’re not comfortable asking your mom.  Is that right?

I might be missing something here, but my first thought is — how are they getting to where they meet up?  Can they pick you up, or could their parents pick you up?  And if they’re too far away for that, can you take a bus or even a cab, to get to them?

I’m wondering if you’re being more Continue reading

0 How to raise funds for a cause at school

Evies pack asks: My friends and I started this “fundraiser,” going around the school and collecting signatures for endangered animals. Before lunch, it was a hit. We totaled in 39 signatures! But after lunch, rumours were saying that it’s illegal to do that and everybody wanted to take their name off!!! It bothered me so much. I spent more then an hour in the bathroom trying to calm down. What can I do?

Hi Evies pack –

I might be a little confused, but I’ve never heard about any laws against raising funds or collecting signatures to help endangered animals.

One question though: Were you collecting these things for a particular organization, or just for yourselves to donate?  If the latter, you might want to try it again, with the Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend shows too much interest in your friends

Mandhie asks: The guy I’ve told you about and I are in different schools now. We are also staying distant. I am in school most times he calls me, which makes me delighted to know he is calling. When we start talking, we start with the usual greetings “Hey, how are you doing?” and so on and so forth… but as the communication proceeds, he asks about some girls in my room. When he first asked me about the number of people in my room in school and I replied ‘6,’ he asked me for their names, and I told him. This started around last month. Now, anytime he calls, he asks me for their phone numbers and when I ask why, he goes like ‘oh nothing.. Just give it to me.’ In a playful tone. Truthfully, I don’t know any of the numbers of the girls in my room. But even if I did, i wouldn’t give them to him. Also, since I get worried by him asking for the numbers, it makes me shout at him when replying. It feels bad to do so. Or at times I intentionally stay mute and make him repeat, “Hey… are you there?” When he is done talking, I give excuses and say, “Sorry but I have to go… Call you later.” It really feels bad, as I feel I am being rude. I’m getting very worried. It’s like we are being the ‘normal’ friends I am with someone else. What is happening!? Has he lost interest in me? Has he found another girl? Also, he keeps asking me when we will vacate. And when I ask, “Why? Will you come see me?” he replies, “Maybe.” This is getting me confused. If he gets the phone numbers from someone else he knows in my school, will he be calling the girls during the Christmas holidays, or does he really want to come to see me? I don’t like the kind of person he is turning into. I feel he has met some friends who are peer pressuring him. Shirelle, I love him. Please help me not lose him. I really also don’t want the situation whereby I will be so disturbed I end up acting desperate and jump into saying ‘I love you’ first!

Hi Mandhie –

I have to admit, I have no idea what he’s doing!  He might be trying to tease you and make you a little jealous, or he might be trying to connect to those girls so he can talk with them about you (perhaps to get you a present, or set up a surprise visit)… or he might be kind of weird and actually thinking of hitting on your roommates!  I have no idea!

The only way you can find out is to Continue reading

0 Why should a person hire a psychotherapist?

Salvatore asks: You had asked me before whether I am consulting a psychiatrist or a therapist or not, for my grief and depression over the loss of my mother. The answer is ‘NO’ for the following reasons: I am of the view that a psychiatrist is an ordinary guy who will try to fix my problems because its his profession; I feel that opening my heart and my life history will induce the same pain I felt when I actually went through the painful circumstances; I also feel that if I go to a psychiatrist and tell him everything, God may not like it – He’ll think that I am complaining for what happened; and last, but not least, my elder brothers and sister don’t have time to take me for sessions (my brothers have consuming jobs and my sister’s in a very difficult school program). I share all I have to you, instead of a therapist, because it doesn’t give me mental fatigue. Nowadays, everyday when I wake up, the first thought that comes in my mind is that my mom is dead. I feel shallow. The normal routine is almost restored. Sometimes i feel there is nothing wrong, while at other times I feel that life is unnatural’. I get the feeling that I can never achieve my goals. But my brother often reminds me that, ”God doesn’t burden a soul more than his strength.”

Hi Salvatore –

Of course, I’m not one to demand anything of anyone (except squirrels – I do yell at them to get off my roof!).  But I would like to throw one more argument at you, about talking to a professional (doesn’t have to be a psychiatrist – they tend to cost so much! – but a school counselor, a therapist, a spiritual leader… just someone who knows what they’re doing).  It’s a story I heard recently.

There was a man, of great faith.  The weather forecasters told everyone in the area that a huge flood was coming.  And this man knew, deep in his heart, that God would save him.  So when it started to rain, and some neighbors stopped by in their truck and asked if he wanted to come with them to escape the flood, he said, “No, for I know God will save me.”  So they drove off.  It rained and rained and rained, till all the ground was covered in over a foot of water.  Some people rowed up to his house in a boat, and asked if he would climb in, so everyone could get to safer ground.  “No thank you, I know God will save me.”  So they rowed away.  It kept raining and raining, till the only place the man could be was on the roof of his house.  A police helicopter flew down and lowered a ladder to him.  “No thank you, officers.  I’m fine.  I know God will save me.”  Finally they pulled the ladder up and flew away.  And it kept raining and raining, and eventually the water overtook him and he drowned.

He then went to heaven, and beheld Continue reading

0 How to approach a girl who’s scared of boys

Gabriel H. asks: I’m an 8th grader and I kinda have a crush on this new transfer student in the 7th grade. I know about her because she’s in the same class as my little brother. I heard from my bro that she’s very shy and quiet and never smiles. I wasn’t interested at first, but one day on a weekend, I went out to run some errands and when I was passing by the park, I saw the girl and she was playing with a little girl which I assume was her sister, and she was smiling and laughing with the her. And I guess, I fell for her. I told my bro about it and he teased me, but he promised to help me out. The next day, he had a study group at out house and he invited the girl. I tried to be friends with her but I discovered that she has an extreme case of boy phobia. The only reason she agreed to go to a study group with my bro was that one of her friends liked my bro’s best friend and she came to support her. I really want to help her out with her problem and get to know her but how can I when I’m her fear itself? Help!

Hi Gabriel H. –

I think this problem is a lot more common than most people think.  I see it all the time – very nice teens, who like and want to be liked, but are afraid of where things might lead with potential romantic partners.  I think there are two main reasons for this.  One is a very intelligent fear of things going too far physically, and not being able to keep that from happening.  The other is, very often, a fear of growing up, leaving childhood behind.  Peter Pan loved Wendy, but he didn’t want to become her boyfriend, or certainly her husband!

The solution for someone like you, Gabriel H., is to meet this girl where she is.  If you ask her out to a romantic movie, she’s going to be scared, and probably say “no.”  But if you befriend her, she will likely warm up to you, and learn to trust you.  And while I can’t guarantee that that friendship will turn into something more, it’s really the only way it can happen.

So what do I mean by “befriend?”  Well, for starters, just Continue reading