0 How to improve a dysfunctional family dynamic.

Prettyandsweet12 asks: For the longest time I’ve wanted to move back to a particular part of the country to be with my cousins. I recently graduated high school and moved there with my mom. At first I was having a hard time because I had no friends here, but I figured it would get better once I got settled in. But I’ve been here for 5 months now and things just stink! I currently take classes online and I occasionally see my family in a nearby state over the weekend, but recently some things have happened and I’m starting to question if moving here was the right thing. My cousins barely come around, and my dad is now married and I don’t even know who he is anymore. I just turned 18 and I had a party at a hotel with my two cousins and she tried to give us alcohol. I didn’t have any but my cousins did, and I don’t know if you remembered but you gave me advice a long time ago on how to deal with my medical condition called myoclonis dystonia, which I still have and am on medicine for, and my dad knows this, but he was still willing to let her give me alcohol; that crushed me, and I feel like he chose her over me because he always lets her run over him. I recently got in touch with my high school crush, who is two years younger than me, so he’s a sophomore in high school (I’m supposed to be a senior in high school but I skipped a grade). He really wants to be able to see me and I want the same; I feel like I need him now more than ever, but I’m faced with a complicated choice: do I leave my mom and find living arrangements where he lives so we can see each other, or do I stay with my mom and put on a happy face like I’ve been doing?

Hi prettyandsweet12 –

I need to confess, I’m more confused than you are, so I’m not sure how much good I can do here! First, one question – when you say “she tried to give us alcohol,” I’m going to guess that that’s your dad’s new wife, but am I right?

But then, my main confusion is – what are all these people doing?! You moved across the country to be closer to your mother, your father, and your cousins, and it sounds like you’re not getting much attention from any of them. Then, sure, the fact that you’re taking online classes means you’re not meeting nearly as many people as you would if you were in high school or college. So it sure makes sense to me that when your dad, who probably just thinks he was being friendly and playful, encouraged you to drink alcohol which isn’t good for your condition, this made you feel really hurt and mad – normally it would be just silly, but given the treatment you’ve been receiving, it would just seem to be the ultimate symbol of everything wrong!

We dogs are very patient, and are famous for giving unconditional love. But even that has its limits. There have been times when Handsome has ignored me too much, so I’ve done things like climb on the white furniture just so he’ll get mad, or he’ll pet one other dog too many and instead of my being nice and tolerant, I’ll just growl and threaten the pooch (I know, I should be doing it to Handsome instead, but I just can’t – my love for him makes me too weak!).

So as I said above, I don’t have any great answers. But I will say, moving to be near your high school boyfriend seems like an invitation for what happened before to happen again – for you to be ready to start a beautiful meaningful new life with someone who may or may not be capable of giving you what you need.

If you’re able to afford it, I’d be way more in favor of you taking a trip to meet him, maybe spend a weekend or so with him, and see how that goes. Maybe it’ll be great, and maybe not. But I’d like you to know a lot more before you make that big a commitment (and take the chance on another disappointment).

And in the meantime, how about doing what I do, and making a little obnoxious noise! For example: Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend lies, denying he was flirting with someone else.

raina1226 asks: My bf and I have been in a relationship for one month. I did a loyalty test on him: I asked my friend to flirt with him on a phone call. So she started the conversation; he also flirted with her and asked her for double-dating, friends with benefits. I heard everything and I decided to break up with him. Now he is asking for another chance, but he is not accepting that he was flirting. Now what should I do? I really want a serious kind of relationship, as my past is not very good. Please help me out.

Hi raina1226 –

Okay, I’ve got to be honest here – I am a huge flirt! I love running up to strangers and jumping on them, I love getting male dogs to chase me in the dog park or on the beach, and more than anything I love to flirt with my best human friend Handsome.

So I’m not going to criticize anyone for flirting. That would make me a hypocrite, and we dogs just never are hypocrites!

But I want you to notice my earlier sentence again: “I’ve got to be honest here.” I’m a flirt, but I’m also honest.

What your boyfriend did with your friend is creepy, there’s no question about it. But what I’m a lot more bothered by is that you say he’s “not accepting that he was flirting.” I think you were nice to only suggest that he was flirting; most people would say he was cheating, or at least trying to. But whatever you call it, what he’s doing now is LYING.

He got caught. Maybe he can say it was wrong of you to set him up the way you did, but he was still caught, regardless.

And again, what bothers me so much is that he’s lying about it.

So usually I am not so definite in what I tell my pack members, but in this case, I’m going to say: Dump Him. There’s a beautiful line a poet said a few years ago, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.”

I don’t mind that he’s a flirt, and maybe even his attempt to cheat with your friend was just a dumb attempt at a thrill. But he’s shown you that he’s a liar.

So in this one case, I say… Believe him. And kick him out to the street. You deserve better, and there’s lots better out there.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re trapped in a bad marriage.

Ahana asks: I am 19 and I got married 6 months ago. My husband is my father’s childhood friend’s son. He (my husband) has loved me since I was 15. Later when I turned 18 he, with his family, came to my place to propose marriage. I directly said no as I’d never liked him. Later he tried a lot to convince me but I never said yes. After few months he tried committing suicide because I rejected him. So I had no other option than saying yes. After that we had our engagement. I thought I would get married only when I turn 20-21 but he was not ready to wait, as he thought that I could change my mind and not marry him. Later I did so many attempts to postpone my marriage, but I failed and he forced me to get married this year. I had no other option. Just after our marriage he tried getting physical with me but I didn’t allow him, so he started complaining to his mom about it, and she would explain to me that we should allow our husbands to do everything they want to do with our body. That was just too embarrassing. Then at last I allowed him. My husband owns a bungalow so we shifted from my in-laws’ house to his bungalow after a couple of months from our marriage . And now he will not let me wear my clothes all day, and has sex with me for hours and hours. His main motive behind this is that he wants me to become pregnant fast so that I can never leave him. Now I really want help – I don’t know what to do.

Hi Ahana –

I have so many thoughts about this. First, where I live in the United States, we tend to have the opposite problem from arranged marriages – so many of our young people fall in love with the excitement of youth, get married and/or have babies, and then realize they don’t know who they’re with and have nothing in common with them, and end up either unhappily together or in a miserable expensive divorce. So that can make arranged marriages (where society or parents pick someone really compatible as a life partner) look much better.

But then I read your letter and my heart just shatters. You see, Ahana, your situation sounds more like ours – my doggy friends. I was in a pound, and was one day from being put to death, when this human came and bought me. I had no idea how he’d treat me, though he seemed nice enough. Then over time, although we had some bad moments (maybe due to my chewing up a lot of things he valued, including his ankles!), the fact that we both wanted a great relationship won out over everything, and we’re absolutely crazy about each other now.

This isn’t your story.

Your husband says he’s loved you for years, but is showing no love at all, from what you tell me. What he’s showing instead is fear. Fear of you not wanting him, fear of you leaving, fear that the only thing that would keep you in the marriage is children. And just like some of my human friend’s girlfriends who were so afraid of being cheated on that they accused him of it all the time (to the point they eventually ruined the relationship; he was so unhappy being accused all the time that he’d leave), your husband’s fear is making what he fears come true! You are deeply unhappy in the relationship, and you do want a solution!

I have to say, I’m also sorry for him. It’s tough to believe you’re not attractive, and even more so when others kind of tell you you’re right. He married a woman who wasn’t attracted to him, and he only accomplished it by threatening to kill himself! What an awful view he must have of himself!

But of course, my primary sadness is for you. I am a very romantic pup, and have seen beautiful marriages (arranged and not) where both people devote themselves to the other’s happiness. And your marriage is not that. Your husband doesn’t seem to care if you’re happy or not. In fact, your marriage sounds like something closer to slavery!

Now I don’t know where you live. In some countries, what he’s doing would be illegal.

But even if that’s not the case, what I would really like would be for you two to Continue reading

2 How to celebrate Christmas when you’re out of money

RAMBO Asks: Christmas is here in Zambia. I don’t have presents to give to the kids. Tell me what can I do. Maybe you are able to help me make the kids happy, and other people here in Zambia.

Hi RAMBO –

I have to confess, I live half the world away from Zambia, and don’t know anything about where to shop or find toys and games there.

But as a dog, I am an expert on finding ways to make people happy, without the ability to buy or make much of anything. In fact, my human friend Handsome often tells me I am the Christmas spirit, all year round (at least to him).

So let me throw some thoughts at you.

First of all, remember that the Christmas story is about people so poor they had nothing but clothes and a donkey to ride on, who were so oppressed by their government that their unborn child’s life was in danger, and who weren’t even given a room at an inn when they were about to give birth, and so had to use a feeding trough for barn animals as their newborn baby’s crib. Yes, some kings and wise men showed up with some nice gifts for the infant (though what exactly he was supposed to do with frankincense, myrrh, or even gold is beyond me!), but these folks had nothing.

Nothing but love.

There are many great stories where the most precious Christmas gifts are the ones from the poor, from The Little Drummer Boy to The Gift of the Magi. The fact is, although advertisers and media will tell you that what kids need most is lots of expensive products, what matters far more is what they feel from you. This is why they love us dogs! We give them absolutely nothing to play with (I tried to give Handsome a dead squirrel once, but he showed no interest in playing with it at all; in fact, it kind of scared him when I dropped it at his feet!). But we give them attention and goofy, boundless love all the time.

Continue reading

0 How to meet new people at college

arjai101 asks: Being at this technical university is incredibly lonely. I’m not truly a part of high school, but I’m also not truly in college either. It’s incredibly isolating. I go hours on end without talking to other people. The only time I talk to people is when I go to the rock climbing gym on campus once a week. I almost always meet people there and have a great time talking and climbing and all, but I never see those people again. I feel weird asking for their contact information as everyone is so much older than me, and I’m only 16. It feels like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be because these people are actual adults, which I sometimes forget. I’ve met only one other student like me on campus, and he’s in one of my classes. At first, we talked quite a bit. But after the first week, we stopped talking altogether; we don’t even really sit next to each other anymore. I think maybe he just talked to me because at the beginning of the class I seemed really smart or whatever because I answered like one really hard question. And, everyone was all impressed. Everyone was sort of initiating conversation with me then because they thought maybe I would give them an advantage. But after that all died down, no one pays me the time of the day. Even when I wave at them outside of class, it’s kind of an awkward thing. Also, the other dual-enrollment student is only part-time and I’m full-time, and he’s a year older than me, so I guess that’s a barrier. But, it wouldn’t kill to at least pretend like we know each other. Anyhow…I’m not offended by any of it at all. I just feel incredibly lonely and isolated, that’s all. All in all, I’m still happier at Georgia Tech than I ever was at my high school. It just has its cons. Maybe if I lived on campus, I’d feel more a part of everything. Trying to stay positive because I know I made the right decision leaving my high school. I’m just trying to figure out how to meet other people.

Hi arjai101 –

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m so impressed with your journey! Do you have any idea how many 16-year-olds would have been too frightened to try what you’re doing?

So I’m in the tough place of, at the same time, saluting your bravery and acknowledging that what you’re going through is exactly what we could have guessed you’d go through. None of this is really a surprise – even to you.

Here’s what I think is the main issue. Every new student at the school feels just as new, nervous, and alone as you. Or at least they did when they first got there. Then each of them found whatever connections they could – maybe they made one or two friends in their dormitory hall and have stuck with them; maybe they joined a fraternity or sorority or some other social group; maybe they joined a group based on their interests (political, cultural, religious). But – and here’s the tough part – they then tend to get comfortable with those people. “I’ve done the hard part of reaching out to someone new, now I have my peeps, so it’s too difficult to keep doing that!”

And I might be wrong on this, but I’m going to guess that this is even more true at a technical university than at one full of people entering political science and theater and other, more social, subjects.

So in other words, I’m agreeing with you. You still made the right choice, but your not living on campus, and perhaps your age (not that you’re too immature, but some of them might feel “oh she wouldn’t find the things I like interesting; she’s too young” or maybe even “she’s too brilliant to find me interesting!”), get in the way of people getting to know you.

So my best suggestion – really my only one for right now – is to Continue reading

0 When a relationship moves to being all about control

zakia asks: We’ve been in a relationship two years, but in the last two months everything has changed. Before he used to show his feeling to me; he used to show how much important am in his life, and that attraction. But now he seems busy at work. We chat all day, but he just wants to know what am up to, what am doing, that’s all. He doesn’t let me go anywhere, or he’ll get angry. He doesn’t like me to talk to male friends or persons. That attraction is gone. That magical love is gone. I don’t know what to do.

Hi zakia –

I really have two responses to you, because I think there are two really different issues in your question.

First, your relationship is losing its spark. This is very normal after a couple has been together for a while, and two years feels about right. This is the time when couples need to find ways to re-ignite that excitement. Plan some fun new activities, go on a date to somewhere you’ve never been before, even pretend to be different people – just have fun! And create a bit of interest by not spending so much time halfway together – like being on the phone with each other all day. Let yourselves miss each other during the day – maybe only sending the occasional affectionate text – and then have a lot more to say to each other when you meet face-to-face.

Think about what we dogs are like. If we spend all day with our humans, we just sleep next to them, happy to have them there but not excited at all. But if our people leave us home for a day, and then come home, we go nuts! Jumping, screaming, yowling, and licking them like crazy! So I’d suggest you try to bring a bit of that back into the relationship.

But then there’s the other part of my answer. When you talk about him not wanting you to go anywhere, or to talk to any men or boys. I don’t like that at all. You’re not a dog – it’s not cool to lock you into an apartment or a gated yard! You need to have some freedom – time to hang out with your girlfriends or go to a movie, and (while I know different cultures have different rules on how much men and women can be together) there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be able to talk to another man.

And here’s the crazy part – treating you that way is accomplishing exactly what he doesn’t want to do. He wants you all to himself, but doing this is making you not want to be with him, and not feel romantically towards him. So it’s not only mean to you, it’s really self-defeating for him!

So my suggestion is that you Continue reading

0 What a teen should do if they fall in love with their teacher

Akasa asks: I like my physics teacher a lot but he is married and has 2 children what should I do

Hi Akasa –

It’s funny, just today I also got a question from someone who is in love with a boy at her school, and knows he loves her too, but he has a girlfriend. So I had lots of advice about how to bide her time and be in the position to possibly get him to herself later.

I’m not saying those things to you.  For a big reason.

Crushes can be really painful, I know. And teachers can be so charismatic and exciting (and so much more mature than the boys in your class). But one of two truths exist here: A) Nothing will ever happen between you and him. Or B) Something could happen, which would be absolutely horrible for both of you.

If a teacher (even if he’s unmarried and childless) has any sort of a romance with a student, he’s likely to lose his career. And rightly so – he’d be taking advantage of your normal, beautiful, young feelings. A good teacher can be a great way for you to develop a sense of what kind of person you’d like to be involved with, while keeping safe by not in any way approaching you. Teachers who get involved with their students are accused of “using” them, manipulating them, and, yes, molesting them. You don’t want any of these things in your life.

And beyond all that, he’s married with kids. If he’s a good guy, he is very loyal to them, and would never stray, even if you weren’t his student and younger than him.

In fact, this reminds me of a beautiful movie Handsome showed me once, called The Age of Innocence. A woman with a horrible, abusive husband falls in love with a very good man, whose young bride isn’t nearly as interesting as this woman, and they almost have an affair, but the woman calls it off, because the quality that she loves most in this man – that he’s more moral and caring than the other guys she sees in her society – would be ruined if they had the affair. She’d literally lose her love by acting on it!

So while, again, I understand that your love for this man hurts, the fact is that not only are you looking at a probably hopeless situation, but also I really hope it’s completely hopeless!

And I hope that, soon, some age-appropriate, single boy, who isn’t nearly as mature or brilliant or charismatic as that teacher, wins your heart and makes you feel like you’re flying past the moon!

(Which as your teacher can tell you, is very difficult because of the gravitational pull where objects fall at 32 feet per second squared and….)

Heh heh. Hey, how often does a pooch come up with a physics joke? I’m so proud of that one I’m going to go outside and bark at a squirrel.

But I wish I could do what I really want, which is to jump on you and give you so many licks in the face that you’re able to feel better about all this.

Which I’m sure you will soon.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you’re in love with someone two-timing you

nanalicious asks: I met this guy 3 months ago, and I guess we just clicked. I like him a lot and he likes me too. The problem is he has a girlfriend. We have so much fun together, he is just too nice, but now I am scared of how I am feeling. I have fallen in love with him, so that whenever we are together and he is talking to his girlfriend it hurts me. I don’t know what to do with my feelings.

Hi nanalicious –

Ooooh this is a common problem! I certainly understand – I’d imagine every dog who ever sees me with Handsome must be incredibly jealous (though Handsome says “No, it’s every human who ever sees me with you who gets jealous, Shirelle!”).

I really have two answers for you. The first is to give it time. If their relationship is perfect, then that’s great for them and they’ll be together forever and you’ll just need to move on. But most relationships aren’t perfect – and I don’t know your age, but if you’re pretty young, I can tell you it’s nearly a guarantee: they will break up at some point. So hang out. Date other boys, give the couple space, but stay friendly enough that you’ll pop into his mind when he starts to ask “Gee, if we were to break up, is there anyone else I’d be interested in?”

But my second answer is to make very sure you don’t try to make that happen. Couples don’t break up because someone else made them; they break up because something’s wrong between them. So often someone tries to wreck a couple, and all that happens is that they become a symbol of everything bad, to both the members of the relationship – which then brings them yet closer together, bonding over their dislike of that third person.

So I understand you might have to cry into your food dish a few times, because this situation really hurts. But if you can give them space, give them time, and continue to be friendly, I’d say your chances with him could be really good.

After all, when Handsome has a girlfriend over, he might pay attention to her most of the time, but at some point, he always comes over to me to let me know I’m his special girl. He just can’t resist me! And there’s always the chance this guy will feel that way about you.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 Why teens get very nostalgic when they start college

Wooff asks: As of recent times, I’ve been in a state of mind where I miss things from my past a lot. How they used to be 3 years ago, who I was friends with and maybe even the person I was. I don’t regret turning the way I did but back then I feel like life was somewhat easier. I didn’t have to study my butt off for anything. People liked me more and I didn’t have much worries. I don’t even know what I want to do when I’m older. I’m 18 right now and I have around 2-3 years to figure that out. But I’m going to have to select something to study in 2 years. And I have no clue. I was wondering, am I better off careless, clueless and happy or am I better off wiser, older and more understanding? I know you’re going to say that the latter is better but I feel like when I was more unaware of everything, I was somewhat happier. I used to have something to be excited or happy about but now it’s like I don’t know, I’m not unhappy but I’m never really that happy or excited. Things seemed more magical back then and despite the fact that I have so much more responsibilities now, I feel like I had more things to do when I was younger. Things I enjoyed even if they were just mere chores. I know at this point I’m rambling but I just need someone to walk me through this particular stage of being human. I know how I feel right now isn’t my final destination and that I need to feel like this for something better to form. But I just need some more insight as to what I should do or if I’m even supposed to feel all this that I’m feeling. I act like I don’t regret my decisions but if I’m being honest, I’ll tell you the truth. I wish I did make other choices back then. I wish I listened to myself and didn’t listen to myself. I miss my friends from back then but these friends are not the same people they once were and while we are in friendly terms, it’s not the same. I wish I never let go of that boy I liked back then. I wish I had someone to talk to right after I came back from school. Do you know anyway Shirelle I could get back that happiness and excitement in my life? Everything seems so bland now. And I never get excited. I used to talk to my crush and that meant so much to me and now I can’t even like someone. I just feel a bit lost but not lost, you know? If you have any idea what I’m talking about please let me know because I’m just so clueless. I’m not depressed, sad or anything.

Hi Wooff –

I always love your letters – they’re so beautifully written and expressive. And say things that are so right about life.

But in this one, you got something wrong. Really wrong. SO wrong!

You said you were sure that I’d say you’re better off “wiser, older and more understanding” than you were “careless, clueless and happy.” Now maybe your parents might say you are, or a counselor at your school. But you’re forgetting what and who I am! I find meaning in my life by leaping into a creek just for the joy of running, and then jumping onto strangers and getting mud all over their nice clothes. My idea of pure joy is chasing birds I have no hope of catching, but trying with everything I’ve got. And my idea of love is getting into a wrestling match with Handsome, where we’re both growling, fighting, and giving kisses to each other the whole time. I love “careless, clueless, and happy.” About 23 hours a day, that’s exactly what I am!

But you are a human, with that gigantic brain, and nothing is ever going to be as simple for you as it is for me.

Speaking of your brain, let me help you first by explaining something about one area. When a human is in their teen years, their brain actually experiences more joy (and misery) at little things than at any later time in their life. Those songs you heard when you were twelve will always be the brightest, sexiest, most romantic you ever hear, because your brain was that age when it heard them. The way your friends made you laugh till you had to change your underwear – that’ll never be as frequent again. The crazy mad crush you had at thirteen – you’ll always be a little bit in love with that person; it’s just a part of your brain.

But am I saying you’ll never get as much pleasure ever again? No way, I’d never say that! But things will have to be actually better for you to feel that way about them. You’ll hear an absolutely brilliant song performed so beautifully it brings tears to your eyes, and it will thrill you just as much some mediocre pop tune did when you were in seventh grade. You’ll hear a truly hilarious joke, told by someone with brilliant timing, and laugh as hard as you did twenty times a day back then. And you’ll fall in love with someone so wonderful they actually deserve your crazy wild feelings for them.

And right now, you’re not getting any of those. And that’s a drag.

So how do you get them? Well, the first thing I suggest is that you Continue reading

1 What to do when a boyfriend pulls away inside a relationship?

LittleGirlBigAppetite asks: I met a guy on Tinder 3 months ago and we have been dating for the past 2 months now. He is doing his Masters in Business Administration and stays 2 hours away from me in a hostel. During the first month we used to meet and go for lunch and movie dates. But the past month hasn’t been exciting at all. Whenever I ask him to meet up he says he cant due to his college schedule. Our relationship has now completely turned into a boring, virtual one. I even told him that this is bothering me and we should end it if this is how things are going to be but he said that he does not want to end things so soon. I like him a lot and it makes me wonder if he’s really into me or not. If yes, then why not spend at least one day in two weeks together? If no, then why not just end it? I am not asking for much, just the bare minimum as I understand that we both have busy college schedules. I really need your advice as to what to do next?

Hi LittleGirlBigAppetite –

This is an awfully common problem, and it’s always a painful one. And I do relate.

When my human friend Handsome first brought me home from the pound, I was all he thought about. Making sure I was safe and warm, making sure I wasn’t peeing or chewing on something in his house, making sure he had the right equipment for me and I was getting the right healthcare.   Every conversation he had was about me, at least in part.

And then, after a while, that changed.   He still liked me – he actually liked me better – but he wasn’t as worried about me. He trusted that I’d be okay in most situations. And when he talked with people, I wasn’t the novelty subject anymore – he might be talking about a girl or work or politics or something instead.   It really annoyed me – I’d gotten to be a better companion, but I seemed to matter less!

Now this might be all that’s happening to you. Your boyfriend might have put so much effort into getting your relationship going that you thought that’s what he’d always be like, and now he’s relaxing a bit, believing he did his job and you’re his and he’s yours and all is good.

And if so, he’s about half-right.

I mean, you didn’t dump him right away, you wrote me instead, right?!

But of course there could be something else wrong – he could be losing interest, he could be actually bothered by something about you, or he could be thinking about someone else.

Or he could just be busy with his studies.

ANY of these are possible, and it might even be a mixture of more than one.

My advice is to, without Continue reading