2 The Wrong-Turn Lizard …how to live life in the moment…

The Wrong-Turn Lizard …how to live life in the moment…

Just today, just a few minutes ago, my human friend Handsome went outside his house, to check if the mail had arrived.  I walked out with him, as I usually do.  And as we were walking back in, a very small lizard stepped inside, through the doorway.  Handsome pulled me back and held the door open, to encourage the little creature to go outside.  But, frightened by the two of us, it instead ran behind some heavy boxes in a closet.  So there was no way for Handsome to get the lizard to come out and through the door – moving the boxes would just scare it further in.

Now I don’t know a whole lot about lizards.  I don’t know what species this one is, or how long they usually live.

But I am sure that this was the most interesting event yet in this little creature’s new life.

Anyway, now, Handsome’s got the door open, in hopes it figures out to go back outdoors.  But it might stay hidden, and lose its life back there.  Or one of us might find this little beastie crawling over our face one night as we sleep!  There’s no way of knowing.

But this does make me think about these events that change our lives.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, everything shifts.  If that lizard had just run out the door instead of into the closet, the whole incident would have been just a mildly interesting moment for it.  Instead, this might well determine its entire future.

Sometimes we get those events in predictable ways: you’re born, you start school, you leave home, you start a job, you marry.  Or in my case, I got bought at the dog pound… and that’s about it.

But I don’t know if I’ve met anyone who’s not had other life-changing moments, ones they didn’t expect.  As big as a horrible accident that severs a limb (and unlike lizards’, ours don’t grow back!), or the sudden loss of a loved one.  Or the good kind – being picked as a random winner, receiving a wonderful gift, or getting struck by the lightning that is love at first sight.

And then, there are also the little ones.  Whether bad (failing a test at school you hadn’t realized was today; getting sick right before a date you’re excited about), or good (meeting a friend when you didn’t expect to; switching on a TV and seeing what becomes your favorite movie ever).

And then there are the super-tiny ones.  “I didn’t think the sunset would be so beautiful tonight.” “I didn’t expect this much traffic.”  “I thought I’d like that soup more than I did.”

The truth is, life is so full of surprises, you might argue that life is only a collection of them.  At least if you look at it the right way.

You do know that one day, you won’t breathe anymore, right?  So what if you let yourself be pleasantly surprised every time you take a breath.  Any time you wake up.  Any time you hear the sound of someone you love.

One thing we dogs are WAY better at than you people is living in this mindset of gratitude.  When you come home to us at the end of a nothing-special average boring day, we are THRILLED to see you.  When you feed us the same food we’ve gotten every night, we jump around and dance for it.  And when you pull out that leash…  watch out world!

You see, because our brains are smaller than yours, we can’t have the sorts of conceptions you can about time and plans.  When you leave in the morning, you’re gone, and we don’t know where you are or if you’re ever coming home.  So we get sad and worried over things you never would, but we also leap into joy so much more than you.

Now here’s the giant truth – your next breath is every bit as important to the rest of your life as that lizard’s choice to run behind those boxes was to its.  Your next meal could be good, nasty, incredible, or poisonous.  The next person you meet could become the love of your life, your best friend forever… or your murderer.  You have no idea.

So while I do hope the little reptile (or are they amphibians, I can never remember) has managed to sneak out the doorway without my seeing it, and will live a full, happy life (which will include getting chased by me another day), I also want to give you this gift, of surprise. Of seeing every moment as new, frightening, invigorating, exciting, and magical.

If you can look at your experiences, while you’re living them, in that way, your life will be fuller and far more beautiful. It won’t be easy – it requires bravery and a willingness to feel failure often – something a lot of people will try to talk you out of.  But it means you will feel every moment fully, and experience a level of gratitude few people achieve.

Or, I guess, you could sit behind a box, in a dark closet, waiting to starve.

But unlike any of the “surprises” I’ve listed, that would be purely a choice.  Your choice.

And last I looked, you guys were supposed to be … let’s see … how much smarter than a lizard?!

0 What to do when someone wrongly rejects you for a medical condition

Casmir asks: Hey, hope I will get help and won’t be judged. I am gay and I have been in a discordant relationship with my boyfriend for the last six months. He loved me the way I am, though he came to know my HIV status before I could tell him, but he later was okay with it and loved me unconditionally. Well my viral loads have not been good of late and I was given three months to do the next one (this month was the last month) but lately I came to realize that I was not the problem; I have been taking the wrong medication for one year now and that is why my viral load went high. I was depressed and felt frustrated. On Sunday I called my boyfriend. He was at work. I told him how I felt, and he told me he is coming to see me. In a few minutes time he was at my place, so I shared how I felt, but what he said shocked me. He told that he feels like he is now at risk of getting HIV and he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. I was so emotional that I couldn’t help it. He later went back to work. I was so depressed, hurt and in pain that I texted him, and later at night he called me and told me that he wants us to be friends, that nothing is gonna change apart from the intimacy part. I tried to stop him from making the decision but he said we should try it. I am not comfortable with the friendship thing, since it will hurt me more knowing that he is not my boyfriend but we still hang out together. I just don’t know what do. I am hoping that he will change his mind later on and decide to be together; maybe this was too much for him to take in, or is it because he is undergoing so much pressure at his work place that he just wants to break up (since we were on a relationship break we had finished one week). I am confused and desperate. Please help.

Hi Casmir –

I’m in a very difficult position here.  On one hand, you’ve dealt with a lot of unpleasant issues – you were born with a quality that a lot of the world stupidly and unfairly rejects, you got a terrifying medical condition, and you have been “friend-zoned” by someone you love.  All of these are just rotten, and you have every reason to feel bad about them.

Then on the other hand, you’ve just been told that the life-threatening disease you were told you had is actually a mis-diagnosis, and you’re fine, just suffering from some wrong medication.

But I don’t hear you jumping for joy over that one.  And you should be.

You should, my friend, be out of your mind with ecstasy about this.  YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE!   You had been told you were dying and you’re NOT!

Now, do you still have a condition that’s hard to live with?  You sure do.  And you have to Continue reading

0 How to deal with a boyfriend girlfriend who treats you badly

confusedafgirl asks: I have had many boyfriends and I always thought, “ok this is love.” But I truly fell in love with a guy who was my best friend for two years and we really shared every minute with each other. But then, due to some problems, he left me and started dating another girl. He came back, but I wanted commitment, so he left again and dated some other girl. Now I was alone, no friends and nothing, and then a boy entered in my life making me happy, and everyone says how perfect we are together – even after six months he hasn’t made me cry. We solve everything perfectly, but now this ex of mine has been drunk-calling me for four months, and he’s too depressed, and he doesn’t have any friends, and he wants me back. I know I should be with my current boyfriend, but I always miss my ex too, and I had promised him that I’ll always be there for him, and I don’t break promises, but now I don’t want to hurt my current boyfriend too. In between many things had happened. Before my ex I was raped, and he helped me move past that, but when he left I tried killing myself (after that I went for sessions and now I’m okay). But now my ex is depressed in the same way and I don’t want him to do anything stupid. Please help me. I’m really confused.

Hi confusedafgirl –

Okay, I have a long answer to part of your question, but let me move past this other part first.  You promised a guy who broke up with you twice, for other girls, that you’d always be there for him?  That promise is NULL AND VOID!  Sorry, guy, but whatever promises she gave you, you invalidated when you broke her heart, TWICE.  End of story, she owes you NOTHING.

All right, so that’s my very quiet subtle doggy voice there.  I hope that’s okay.  But even if it seems harsh, I’m not apologizing or lessening my opinion in any way.

Now, onto your main question.  You had a guy you were crazy about who treated you like last week’s garbage.  Then you found a new guy who treats you like the princess you are, but you feel drawn to that last guy, especially as you know he’s feeling bad.

So, you’re human, you’re a good person, and you’re complicated.

But you’re also something else.  You’re addicted.

What?  This mutt is saying you’re a drunk, or a druggie?  No I’m not.  But your addiction to your ex-boyfriend is just like the addiction you could have to cigarettes or alcohol or drugs.  It goes to the same part of the brain.

Think about it.  Have you ever known an alcoholic?  Have you seen how they have the ability to reject everything wonderful in their lives (say marriage, kids, job), completely believing it’s a way better idea to get drunk in the middle of the day?

And what exactly is different from that, in your behavior?

Now maybe you didn’t mention that your ex is the best-looking, sexiest, guy since David Beckham and Bruno Mars?  But even if that’s true, he treated you badly.  So just like the alcoholic who says “But orange juice never tasted as good as a martini,” you’re treating yourself badly for the sake of a good feeling you get from that “substance.”

Now I don’t know if this new guy is actually right for you.  But I can see you have an addiction to the old boyfriend.  And just as with a drunk or a heroin addict, your job is to Continue reading

0 How to get your oldest child to behave better.

Ashima17 asks: I am the mother of two kids – a nine-year-old son and a one-year-old daughter. I am worried about my elder one; his behaviour is very rude to me. Maybe because I always scold him for studies in front of people He said, “My mother does not love me anymore, every time she hits me, she used wrong words to me.” I agreed that I am doing all this, because he doesn’t want to sit for studies. He always misbehaves, he never listens me. I am worried what to do how to handle him and get him mannered and disciplined.

Hi Ashima17 –

There’s a lot going on here, and I probably don’t know a lot of it, but I can tell you the bit I see.  And really it comes down to two things.

First of all, although there’s a really large age difference between your children, your son is still pretty much guaranteed to have been very affected by the birth of his sister. I get bothered when I see my human friend Handsome pet other dogs, but you went way beyond that. I know you don’t see it this way, but a child will see getting a new sibling as the greatest insult ever.  He was your only one, the center of your universe.  Then suddenly, he’s told “I’m going to cut the attention and focus you get in half.”  Actually probably he’s getting a lot less than that, just because of the amount of care a baby requires.  And there’s no way for him not to be angry and jealous, even if he also loves and enjoys the new baby.

But even if you hadn’t had that little girl, he’d be very likely to go through a phase like this sometime.  The tough question is how you deal with it.

I’m a big fan of a discipline method called “Catch them being good.”  What this means is that, instead of punishing your child for the wrong things he does, you reward him for the good things, even the ones that seem small.  So if he gets a good grade on a test, take him out for ice cream.  And if he does something nice for his baby sister, give him an extra half-hour of TV or computer time.   Now I don’t mean you have to do this every time – it’s actually better if it’s a bit random.

What you’re doing with this is changing the nature of his environment.  Instead of life being a mine-field of ways to do wrong and get punished, each day is filled with opportunities to feel successful and loved.

In a way, Handsome did this with me when I was a puppy.  I was a wildly  obnoxious little girl, always biting him and chewing on his things.  But a trainer taught him how best to deal with me: he filled his house with doggy toys, enough so that there’d always be one in reach. Then if I bit him or some other thing I wasn’t supposed to, he’d instantly say “No!” and get me away from it, and then suddenly jam a toy into my mouth, and start petting and complimenting me, “Oh look what a smart little girl you are!”  Sure enough, before too long, when I wanted to bite someone, I’d instead grab a toy; all was good and successful.

So if you can do that with him, my guess is his behavior would change fairly soon.  Now of course, just as Handsome had to say “No!” to me, you’ll still need to correct your son when he does mean or mistaken things.  What we want is for you to, more often than those, find ways to tell him how good he’s being.

It’s not easy, and it’s not overnight, but my honest guess is that doing that will solve more problems, sooner, than any other method with this.

GOOD LUCK!  And thanks for writing!

Shirelle

0 How to ask someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend

Outcast asks: I chickened out on asking the girl I like to be my girlfriend. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just need an idea on how to tell her. Do you have any idea I can use?

Hi Outcast –

I hardly ever disagree with things people say when they ask me questions, but in your case I’m inclined to.  You say you “chickened out,” and that there’s something wrong with you.  But from what you’ve written me before, it sounds like there were lots of reasons to suspect that she’s not ready for a relationship yet, and would reject you.

Now yes, I did encourage you to go ahead and try if you wanted to.  And I would have loved you doing that.  But as it is, I wonder if you actually had a smarter voice than me, that little voice inside your head, that read her correctly.  And said “Don’t do it, Outcast.  At least, don’t do it now.  Let her grow, and let your relationship grow.  And see where that goes.”

I’m a big fan of instinct, and live much of my life by trusting mine.  And I find one huge mistake humans make is to not listen to theirs, and instead trust some idea they’ve been told.

So I’m not going to call you chicken, or say something’s wrong with you.  Instead, I’m going to say you are smart, instinctual, and sensitive to her feelings.

But NOW, with all that going for you, what can we do to win her over?!

Well, you’ve told me she’s been hurt before in a relationship.  One easy thing is to Continue reading

0 Is it a weakness to be an optimist

PERFECTION asks: I’m the kind of person full of positive vibes. I always tell myself “I can do it” regardless what it is, as long as I believe in myself. Not only to myself but I’m also injecting positivity to people I know and to everyone who needs it. Sometimes I also tend to give ideas that could help them see things the other way around. I’m not actually a seer though, I’m just trying to help them; they may never do what I did, but who am I to judge. Everyone has its own different pathways in life. I always wonder, being a positive person like me, defying all the negativity in life, all those words I hear like “you can’t do it” and “it’s impossible” seem to give me even more courage to push through. So what do you think is my greatest weakness?

Hi PERFECTION –

Well as you can guess, you’re talking to a mirror here.  I’m very much that positive spirit too, and have this website just so I can give that to others.

Which leads me to ask… why do you even need to know what your “greatest weakness” is?  I mean, I can say what the weaknesses are in living “glass half-full,” but isn’t part of the joy of positivism not focusing on what’s wrong?

Having said that, your question reminds me of one of Handsome’s favorite movies, Bride of Frankenstein.  Early in it, a man suggests a friend join him in a drink, “Have some gin.  It’s my only weakness.”  Later he offers someone a smoke, “Have a cigar.  They’re my only weakness.”  So I love to say squirrels are my only weakness, pizza is my only weakness, and tummy-rubs are my only weakness.  I sure have no way to figure out which one is my greatest one though!

Many would say that the great weakness of a positive attitude is blindness to the negative.   And I’d agree that it can be.  Sort of.

Handsome has saved my life many times by not letting me run across a street to chase a cat, when I would have been run over by a car.  But I’d argue that it’s not my positive attitude about the cat that would have been the problem, but my inability to judge cars.

Similarly, if you go out and spend money you don’t have because “Oh I’m sure I’ll get more tomorrow,” that’s probably kind of stupid.  But if you spend it on something that’s worth you getting in debt (say an education, or a wedding ring if things work out with that girl you’ve been thinking about!), then I wouldn’t call that bad at all – as long as you’re aware that the debt is coming, and you’ll have to spend a while paying it off.

Maybe the other possible “greatest weakness” is that you’ll annoy people.  Negative-minded people can get really bothered by someone being positive all the time.  And even I can understand that.  Handsome told me about a woman he knew at school who was arguing that everything is always for the best.  Someone asked her, “What about Hitler?!” and she answered “Yes he did many bad things, but think of all the beautiful music and movies and other things that came out of that war,” and everyone around her exploded in fury – and I sure understand why!

So maybe my best argument would be that you need to Continue reading

0 What to do when best friends are jealous of each other’s crushes

Tayo asks: I have a guy that likes me, and I like him too. But he doesn’t want to date me (and I feel the same way). But anytime I’m with a guy or he’s with a girl, we get jealous. He said he is tired of girls’ issues. (I have a long time crush. That’s why I can’t date him.) What can we do about it?

Hi Tayo –

So it sounds to me like you’re best friends, one of those pairs of best friends that’s almost like a married couple, but without the romantic/dating part.  So even though you want a romance (with the person you have the crush on) and he says he’s tired of girl issues, you still feel he’s yours, and he feels you’re his, so you get jealous of others when they step into your beautiful “marriage.”

I’m afraid there’s no perfect answer to this one, and the truth is that the only thing that will fix it is when one of you does truly get involved with someone.  But when that happens, that will change your relationship.  Which will be a little bit sad, while of course it’ll lead to all sorts of good stuff too.

But in the meantime, you guys are going to be like me around Handsome.  I feel a bit shut out when he has girlfriends over, even if they like me, and I get VERY jealous when he pets other dogs.  But in the end, he and I are always a team.  And if he does end up marrying one of these women, I know the three of us will become a team (and will still be when a fourth or fifth comes along!).

So my best advice is to Continue reading

0 What to do when you love someone who doesn’t want a relationship

Danish asks: I love a girl, and she is my best friend. 9 months ago I said I like her but she told me we will meet later or I will think later. But when I deeply told her my feeling she got scared and told me that she doesn’t like me. Then everything get normal and we talked normally like before. But 8 days ago she told one of our best friends that she will never accept my proposal in future, that she only wants to be besties with me. She told one of our friends that she never wants to marry.So what should I do?

Hi Danish –

As I started to read your letter, I got a bad feeling in my stomach, that your “bestie” is rejecting you because she’s not attracted, and I know that hurts a lot.

But then I got to the end, and felt a lot better. My friend, your bestie is afraid of getting married! That’s it! It’s not about you, it’s about this issue.

So I have one major suggestion for you – get her talking about it! Find out what her reasons are for not wanting to get married. Has she seen bad stuff in her parents’ relationship? Does she love her freedom and fear someone tying her down? Perhaps she feels, as a woman Handsome dated a few years back said, that if she married she’d lose her own identity.

Now I don’t know what he answer will be, and I’m not saying she’s wrong to feel the way she does. But until you know that answer, you and I won’t be able to figure out what’s best for you to do.

So whether you’re bluntly open, “Hey you told my friend you don’t want to get married! What’s up with that?!” or sly and strategic, “So I hear a growing number of girls today don’t want to get married. Why do you think that is?”

When you find this out, THEN we can talk about what’s best to do. But not till then.

Good Luck and Let Me Know!

Shirelle

0 Is it good to leave your child with your parents permanently

unlucky-luck asks: My daughter is three years old and has a very close bond with my mum. I’m moving away soon, and my mum has asked me if my daughter can move in with her as she is heartbroken that she is moving away. My daughter sobs if we meet up with my mum and then leave to go home, as she wants to always stay with my mum as well. Visiting us or us visiting her won’t be an option, as neither of us drive and money is tight. I’m not gonna lie, my daughter and I don’t have a close relationship, which I think was due to me having post-natal depression. I also have a 9-month old son who I have a close bond with. I don’t really wanna “give my child up,” but I’m wondering if it’s in her best interest if she lives with my mum.

Hi unlucky-luck –

This is a really difficult question for me, because there are so many different aspects to it.

First of all, there’s the very real and awful issue of postpartum depression.  It’s much more common than most people realize, and can leave a new mother anything from a little blue, to distant and unfeeling, to feeling a desire to hurt her child or more, to being actually psychotic and needing to be hospitalized (I’ve known cases of each of these).  Lots of women are embarrassed to admit they’ve had it, so I really respect your bravery for opening up about it here.

Second, your daughter seems to enjoy your mother more than time with you, and it sounds like your mother is great with her.

Third, you have more of a bond with her little brother than with her.

But fourth, you very understandably don’t want to “give your child up.”

And I’ll add a fifth, that your daughter will struggle, as she grows, with understanding why her mother “gave her up” if you do leave her with your mother.  Even though she shows more affection to her grandmother now, she’s very young, and as she gets older she’ll start asking a lot of questions.

And of course, the easy answer to all this would be to split time with her, but you say that’s not possible due to distance and finances.

So I hate to do this, but I’m going to say… Continue reading

0 How to tell someone you like them when they think you don’t

msourav229 asks: I like a girl. I have not told her yet. One day my friend told her that I have something to tell her. She was very curious to know what. In the meantime one of my other friends told her that he thinks I don’t have any interest in her. Usually she joined us to hang out but today she left. Now what should I do now? Did my friend’s words turn her off. How can I express myself to her?

Hi msourav229 –

Sometimes I get very complex questions.  This isn’t one of them.

We know two things:

• She was curious about what your friend said you wanted to tell her.
• She didn’t hang out with your group after your other friend said you weren’t interested in her.

So what don’t we know?

• What that curiosity meant – is she just a naturally curious person, or was she particularly interested in what you might say?
• Why she left the group.
• And of course, how she feels about you.

There’s only one answer to “how can I express myself to her,” and there’s a clear way to do it!

The way is to Continue reading