0 Should you show sympathy to your ex who dropped you?

Aishwarya asks: My boyfriend left me few weeks back. And now he texted me that his dad is not well and uncle is on deathbed. Should I show him some sympathy?

Hi Aishwarya –

This is a fascinating question, so great I have three different answers for it, depending on different situations.  I wish I knew enough to give you just one, because they’re all pretty different.  But hopefully this will help.

Okay, first situation:  You’re close with his family.

If you actually have/had a relationship with his father and/or uncle, where they were important in your life, and you in theirs, then I would say absolutely that you should deal with your ex, and with them.  Simply because you’d feel very bad if you didn’t and things got worse with them.  In fact, I often see some cruelty on the part of exes, keeping someone who cares a lot about their family from them, with the mindset “If you’re not my boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, you can’t have any connection with them either!”  So if you’re close with, say, his dad, I think it shows good character on your ex’s part that he reached out to you.

Second situation: You’re not close with them, but he’s trying to be a friend to you.

If that’s what’s going on, that he’s just telling you his “news,” and another time he might be telling you “I got a car” or “I broke my leg,” then it’s really your call.  Do you want to be friends with him now, or not?  I’ve seen couples break up and become fantastic friends, and I’ve seen other cases where one member correctly realizes that they just can’t do well in life while creating a new, friendly relationship with their ex.  The answer is up to you, to do what’s best for you.  In this situation, the dad and uncle don’t expect or need your attention; so you get to treat the guy you loved who broke things off in whatever way feels right.  To you.

Third situation: He’s playing a Continue reading

0 What to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend chooses their family over you

Shirley_av asks: My boyfriend’s family came to know everything about our relationship and gave him a choice to choose between family and love, and so he chose his family over love, and her mother made him promise not to talk to me. But I want to save my relationship. What can I do?

Hi Shirley_av –

I wish I had a great, clever answer for you, but we pups are just not that smart.  I can certainly relate to the feeling you’re having – it feels like every time I’m locked in a cage.  Whether at the pound, or at a veterinarian’s hospital, or a groomer’s.  I hate being locked up, and even go a little crazy to get out, but of course the cages are built for dogs to not be able to leave.  So I’m stuck.  For what seems like forever.  And it’s living hell.

My friend, if your boyfriend were forced against his will to not see you, I’d say there’s a chance.  Then it’d be a Romeo and Juliet sort of situation.  But he was offered a choice, and made it.

And so my best advice is to move on.  And I know that’s devastatingly hard.

I’m not saying you should expect to feel good about it, or that your bad feelings will end soon.  They might take weeks, or months, or longer.  But if you can do whatever you can to move forward in your life, and into a new chapter, one of two things will happen.

First, he Continue reading

0 How to tell someone you’re interested in them

PERFECTION asks: I want to tell someone how I really feel, and I just want to make it honest and sincere but the only thing that I’m worried about is that I don’t know how to do it, any tips?

Hi PERFECTION –

I’m never one to call my Pack members liars, but I’m going to break that rule and call you out, my friend:  HOOEY!  PURE HOOEY!  PURE LITTERBOX MATERIAL!!!

Not that you don’t like that person, or have strong feelings for them; I’m sure that’s true.  What I’m calling you out on is when you say you “just want to make it honest and sincere,” but “don’t know how to do it.”  What a load of kitty poop!

Of course you know how to tell them your feelings with honesty and sincerity.  What you don’t  know is how to do it in a way you’re sure they’ll like!  THAT’S what you’re worried about, and that makes complete sense!

And I’m glad to try to help.

And I really do mean “try,” because of course you and I are very different.  But my experience might be instructive.  (Oooh doesn’t that sound adult!)

I have always, all my life, liked people and dogs on sight, and wanted to play with them.  When I was a young puppy, I attempted to do this by doing just what came naturally to me – walking up to them and biting them.  My brothers and sisters played with me when I did that to them… but strangely, it really seemed to bother most humans and grown-up pooches.  Especially if I did it when they weren’t expecting it.  I got barked at, bit, and yelled at a lot.

And slowly I learned.  Even though my honest, sincere, expression was to bite them, they liked  it better if I did other things.  Like walked up and licked them.  Or brought them a toy to play with.  Or just sat and let them pet me.  Or, with dogs, caught their eye and ran away so they’d chase me.  And these techniques worked, and work to this day.

Of course, though, you’re in a more complex situation.  You want to tell  someone something intimate and meaningful.  And it will mean a lot to you if they like it and accept it, or dislike it and reject it.  So what can you do to improve your chances of it being a happy conversation?  Here are a few suggestions.

• Don’t be scary. Just as people are frightened when a dog runs at them with teeth bared, they’re also put off when someone’s energy is too forceful and needy.  “I LOVE YOU AND CAN’T LIVE ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT YOU AGREEING TO MARRY ME AND HAVE GRANDCHILDREN WITH ME” is not likely to work; “So, I’ve really enjoyed talking with you.  I’d love to hang out sometime.  Would you like that?”  Oooh, that sounds WAY smoother!
• Keep it between you two. Although you might feel ‘safety in numbers,’ it puts the other person in a really rough position if you start saying these things when other friends are around.  Those stories we hear about people proposing on TV broadcasts or with airplane skywriting?  That can be a great idea if you’re absolutely sure they want to say yes; otherwise it’s a recipe for horrible humiliation for everyone involved.
• Have you ever heard the anagram K.I.S.S.? “Keep It Simple, Stupid?”  As complicated as your feelings might seem to you, they’re actually pretty simple.  “I really like you a lot.”  “I’m falling in love with you.”  See how quick those are?  An old friend of mine was visiting, and told Handsome and me a story just this week, where a just-friend nervously gave her a long speech telling her he wanted to be more than friends, but his nervousness and confused talk actually made her think he was saying he wasn’t  interested in her!   They then had to have another conversation to clarify that he was!  (It worked out, though – they’re married and have two beautiful children now!)
• Make any consequences clear. Are you saying to this person “I feel this way about you, and there’s nothing you need to do about it; I’ll be your friend either way?”  Or “I can’t take just being friends anymore, and if you aren’t willing to become more than that, I’m going to have to spend less time with you – or even cut you out of my life completely?”  I’m not saying that one’s right and one’s wrong; I just want you to be fully honest about this part too – in a way that THEY UNDERSTAND.
• And last but not least, be kind. I know, it feels like you’re the one in the difficult position, but so are they.  Make it as easy as you can.  Speak softly, give them compliments (real ones, not fake), maybe even apologize at first, “I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but there’s something I really have to talk about with you.”

There’s never any way of knowing how these conversations will work out.  But if you do these behaviors, I do think I can guarantee it’ll work out as well as possible for both of you, regardless of what interest they express or don’t.

But you KNOW I’m cheering you on!  LET THEM SEE YOUR HEART as you’ve let me see it, and I’m thinking you’ll do great.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

0 Should one stay in a relationship with someone of a different religion

roshini asks: My boyfriend is a male chauvinist; he never understands my feelings and perspectives. I don’t like breaking relationships and so I thought to adjust with him, but later on I couldn’t, and we had lots of fights. He has trust issues with me. He is afraid to marry me since we are from different religions. Now I need to decide what to do – to be in this kind of relationship or to leave him!

Hi roshini –

Have you ever heard of John Gray?  He wrote a famous book called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and a number of sequels to it.  At one point, he wrote about the question of whether couples should share interests, or have an “opposites attract” dynamic.

His answer was that it doesn’t matter.  That it can be delightful when both of you like horror movies or football, and it can be fun when you disagree about lots of things.  But, he argued, what matters is that the partners share Values.  Core moral values.  Especially if they’re thinking of having and raising children.

So she loves reading sappy romantic novels while he plays violent first-person-shooter video games?  That can be okay, if they agree about those big issues – like religion in their lives, or whether it’s okay to commit crimes.  Or the roles of men and women.

That last one is a big one.  Because you can disagree about politics and just avoid discussing how you vote, but your beliefs about a woman’s place is in a home will show up every hour!

So you can probably see where I’m going with this.  I have no idea how old you are.  If you’re thirteen and want to have someone to go to the school dance with, then all I care about is Continue reading

0 When you’re torn between two imperfect romances

Tshilidzi asks: I have a boyfriend and we have been dating for 8 months now. 2 months into our relationship he was way too busy for me and even canceled our dates. I knew he was a busy man before dating him, but I thought he’d compromise for me. I was so lonely and sad cause he reminded of my failed relationships and felt as if I didn’t deserve to be happy. I am a student, and where I school there is a lecturer, and for 3 years now we have been pretending to be a fake couple. All of a sudden it became real for both of us – and he is married. He is funny and gives me so much attention and is always around me. He made me forget about all my troubles. I dumped my boyfriend and he was there for me. Ended up taking him back after countless apologies and things have been perfect ever since. Problem is that now I’ve got deep feelings for my instructor and he even kissed me. I try to forget about him but I can’t and I know it’s wrong. I would tell myself that I’m not gonna entertain him anymore but the moment I see him I go crazy. The connection I have with him is something I have never felt before and he is also battling with me . He can’t stay away from me. And he is in a risk of getting fired and me being punished and my boyfriend is also doing the same course as me and I’m afraid he will find out. I don’t know what to do cause I’ve never been in this situation and I don’t know how to handle it. Please help me. I don’t want to be a reason why another woman is sad but I just can’t help myself, I am so deep in love with him. I can’t even stay away from him; also we are always looking for each other around the whole school and we talk every day. Some students have even noticed our change of hearts. He has been married for 2 years and has no kids with the woman, but has 2 from his previous marriage. He is older than me by 25 but looks very young. Please help me

Hi Tshilidzi –

Wow, Tshilidzi, there is so much going on here, it’s hard to know where to start!

But really, everything you wrote comes down to two things.  First, there’s a guy you’ve been dating who is so busy he makes you feel unimportant. And second, you’re in love with a married man, your professor, who is at least acting in love with you too.  Now either of these alone would be a perfectly difficult situation; the two together make an astounding one!

I’ll confess, the biggest confusion I have here is about the teacher.  He’s been married for two years, and that whole time he’s been “pretending to be a fake couple” with you?  Then he’s actually started showing real interest – seeking you out, kissing you – knowing that getting caught could be the end of his marriage and  his career?  But he’s not trying to make more happen between you?

I truly don’t understand what he’s doing.  Unless he’s one of those guys who get turned on by the danger of relationships, testing to see how much he can get away with (Many people consider Bill Clinton, the former U.S. President, to be a case like that).

What strikes me is that you have a very simple need: you need your boyfriend to show you as much interest as this lecturer does!  If your boyfriend searched for you around the campus, took risks to be with you, and stopped being “too busy” all the time, I think you might be able to get more excited about him, and less so about this other man who is wrong for you in so many ways.

But that means your boyfriend changing, and it’s you who wrote me this letter, not him.

So my only advice to you is to Continue reading

0 Is death the answer to the painfulness of life?

PERFECTION asks: Shirelle, is death the answer to all problems and sadness in life? I’ve always wanted to shut myself off to the world. I’m in pain for far too long and I think that’ll be the only way to maybe at least get over the pain.

Hi PERFECTION:

Quick answer to your question:  No.

Absolutely not, no way, impossible, forget it.

Now, now that I’ve said that, let me make one exception.  If you had a terminal disease, and were in constant awful pain, and only had a short time to live, it’s possible that I could agree that the best thing would be for you, in a way agreeable to your loved ones (and of course, only if in accordance with your religious/moral beliefs), to end your life sooner.  After all, that’s what you guys do with dogs, cats, horses, and so on, and that’s an act of love and kindness.

But if you’re young and healthy, the fact is that anything you did to end your life would cause more pain than you’ve ever experienced.  To more people than you even realize.

You see, when a person feels good about life, they feel some of the connection to everyone that we dogs feel all the time.  You open a door for a person you see needing it, you smile at little children because they make you smile, you see a car in a big hurry and let them cut in front of you.

But when a person feels depressed, empty, hopeless, or sad, they tend to feel completely disconnected.  Like no one sees them, no one cares about them, and they don’t care about anyone else.

The fact, PERFECTION, is that you are more connected to more people than you can begin to realize.

What would it do to you to find out that your neighbor killed himself?  Would you wonder if you could have done something to prevent it?  Even wonder if you were responsible in some way?

And what if that were your uncle?  Or your parent?  Or your brother or sister?

Or your own child?

I don’t know a lot about your life, PERFECTION (only that you ask great questions!), but I’m betting you have a Continue reading

0 What to do when your husband doesn’t want to spend time with you

Tasmyne asks: I just recently got married to someone I’ve been dating for 10 years. We were living together. I also just had a baby who is 4 months old. My husband has this thing that every weekend he is out with his buddies. I am still on maternity leave and am home all day. I have a nanny who also helps me. I hardly see my husband during the week, and when I do he is constantly tired (as he owns his own business) or he is on the phone conducting business. If he is not doing that, then he is at the gym and when he is done gyming he tends to go chill with his friends. My problem is that he sees his buddies every day during the week, and then on the weekend he is with them. He doesn’t seem to realize that he never spends time with his family. So I thought I would suggest a date night. Since my daughter is a little older now. I suggested we have date night once every 4 months at least just so we can have some time together. The response I got from him was “Who are we going to leave the kids with (we also have a 7 yr old son),” because he can’t leave the kids with his mom all the time. My issue is that it will be once every 4 months and I was also going to ask my mom. Or if I really needed a baby sitter I would pay my nanny overtime to stay the night as she only works days. As I write to you now it’s 2 am and he is still out with his friends. Tomorrow morning he will be too tired to eat breakfast with us. He will probably wake up after lunch and be gone again. I have no idea what to do. I feel so alone and fat and unattractive because all I see is a husband who doesn’t want to spend time with me or his kids. A few weeks ago he stayed out all night. I woke up at 7 am and he still was not home. After telling me he will be home at 2 pm. I tried calling him but his phone was off. I tracked his car to a hotel parking lot. I could not leave my kids to go searching for him as it was my nanny’s day off. I asked his brother to go check it out for me. This was the day he was supposed to take the kids on a safari. He apparently got so drunk he passed out and one of his friends who is the boss of the security guards at this hotel drive his car there so it would be safe. And his other friend was supposed to drive him home, but instead his friend drove him to his place where he passed out on the couch. He only contacted me at 10 am that day. I was so angry I took myself and my kids to my mom’s place. I still can’t get past that day as I seriously think he cheated on me, as the whole story doesn’t add up. I don’t know what to do.

Hi Tasmyne –

I get a lot of letters, as you know, and very often they have mistakes in them.  Misspellings, typos, or even flat-out wrong words.  That’s fine; I just clean them up to make them more readable before I post them.

So when you said that you offered to have a date night with your new husband once ever four months, I thought, “Oh she was just emotional when she wrote this.  She means every four weeks.  I’ll suggest she make it every one or two.”

But it wasn’t a mistake; you actually said Four Months, more than once.  And he said no?!  Three dates a year with his wife?

Something is VERY wrong!

My human friend Handsome can’t stand it if he goes four NIGHTS in a row without spending one with me, and I’m a dog!

Now I don’t know exactly what’s wrong.  You think he might be cheating; I’ll admit, my imagination went there too.  His friends say he’s drinking to horrible excess – that would be pretty awful even if that’s all that’s wrong.

If you and he were only dating, I’d say this is something to look at very strongly, and work on making it better.  If you had been married for twenty years, I’d recommend couples therapy to find what’s wrong underneath all this.

But you two are newlyweds?!  This is simply awful.

I do have one thought.  Some men get very Continue reading

0 What does it mean to “never beg to be loved?”

PERFECTION asks: What does it mean to “never beg to be loved?”

Hi PERFECTION –

My friend, your asking me this question is like asking me what it means to fly, or to walk on two legs.  It’s something I know exists, but it sure doesn’t apply to me!

The best illustration I can give of this concept is cats, and cat-people.  (Note – I’m going to write this SOOOOO non-judgmentally!  And that’s SOOOOOO hard for me!  So please, give me some applause for my Gandhi-level tolerance here!).

There are people who like cats more than dogs.  And they’re perfectly sane, and have the right to do so (DO YOU SEE HOW HARD I’M STRUGGLING HERE?!).   And one reason, maybe the biggest reason, for that is that they really don’t like the way dogs are always coming up to them, wanting to lick them and play with them and love and be loved by them.  They find this behavior annoying and insincere.  They far prefer the company of kitties, who will come to them out of need (for food or shelter) or out of a temporary wish for affection and attention – and then go mind their own business, often in a way those people find cute and meaningful.

Now you know very well, I’m no cat, and my human friend Handsome is quite the opposite of those people.  He loves  the attention I give him, loves that I want his attention, and it simply melts his heart when I come to him begging for love.

The fact is though, when it comes to humans interacting with other humans, the issues are subtler.  A person who is generally drawn to more effusive people is still going to want some space, and get tired of being asked “Honey, do you still love me?”  And the person who likes cooler, more self-contained people, is still going to need reminders that their partner wants and needs their love.

So while I can imagine someone meant very well when they told you to “Never beg to be loved,” I’d change that to “Always Continue reading

0 What to do when an abuser breaks up with you

Kavita asks: I got married one and half years back. My husband is very good person by heart, but when he gets angry he’ll act like a demon. Once, for no good reason, we fought, and he beat me up and left home and blocked me from everywhere. Then one day out of frustration I cheated on him (meaning I kissed a guy and he also kissed me) and now my husband found out about this and is asking for a divorce. I don’t know what I should do?

Hi Kavita –

I don’t know enough about the earlier part of your marriage to say anything super-intelligent, but it sure sounds to me like this relationship has run its course.

First, I am not  a fan of men who beat women up.  I love a good fun friendly fight as much as anyone, but this is more like getting kicked by a person with metal-toed boots.  Then, he’s blocking you from knowing anything about him, but suddenly able to find out what you’re doing, and saying he wants a divorce because you kissed a guy?

It sounds to me like he’s looking for excuses.  Maybe he’s been running around, or even has a girlfriend (or wife!) now, and doesn’t want to look like ‘the bad guy’ in the divorce proceedings.

My biggest question to you is why you’d want to stay with him, after he treats you this way.  I know you two have this year and a half together behind you, but I’m thinking maybe it’s time to let this go.

If he sounded interested at all, I’d be recommending you to go to Continue reading

0 How to handle someone who wants to take longer before starting a relationship than you do

Ojisan asks: I have a crush on a girl, and I thought she liked me too because I openly flirted with her about making her my girlfriend and she used to say “we’ll see.” Finally I proposed to her but she rejected me. Normally most people would avoid each other after this but she is still close to me. Whenever I joke about my confession to her she says that everything takes time and one should know the person really well before coming into a relationship. I still like her but I’m confused. Is she hinting to me to take my time, or am I just overthinking too much and should just be friends?

Hi Ojisan –

People love to talk about the differences between cats and dogs. Now of course you and I know that cats are awful and stinky and need to be chased, right? Right?

(Okay, okay, I know, they deserve freedom and happiness just like anyone else, and I have to learn to be tolerant, and some of them are really great, okay…  But that’s not what I’m talking about here anyway.)

Most dogs, when you meet us, are instantly friendly. We want to be your best friend. We want to sniff you and lick you and jump on you (some of us have been trained not to, but we do want to!). That’s just the way we are.

Meanwhile, most cats are far more cautious. They stand back, figuring you out, to see if you’ll be nice or not. And even once they know you’re nice, they still hold back – they stay ‘cool,’ even standoffish, except when they just can’t take it anymore and come to you for a cuddle.

Well people are a lot like cats and dogs. Some are eager at once to connect all the way, and some hold back. It doesn’t mean the eager ones will be more committed than the hold-backers; sometimes the opposite happens. But it does mean it’s a good idea to look at people and figure out what they need and how they want to be treated.

In a sense, Ojisan, you’re a dog and she’s a cat. Your view is that if two people like each other they should admit it and run into each other’s arms. While she seems to be feeling, “That’s great, he likes me just as I like him. Now let’s start seeing what each other is like, and if I should allow him even a step closer!”

Now here’s the great news, Ojisan – she is telling you, in every way, to Continue reading