0 How to make your boyfriend fall in love with you again

Rockie asks: I want to find out how I can make my boyfriend fall in love with me again

Hi Rockie –

       Love is an incredibly complex and difficult power, and its workings have confused humans forever.  But as a dog, I understand that it’s also very simple.  So I’m going to give you a very simple answer, but that doesn’t mean your relationship with him isn’t also very complex, with tons of aspects I know nothing about!

       Here’s my answer: if he’s fallen out of love with you, it’s because of one of two things.  Either nothing has changed (and he’s getting a little bored or taking you for granted), or something has changed (maybe he doesn’t like a change in you, or maybe he’s changed, or maybe he’s met someone else).

       And similarly, there are two solutions.  One is, if nothing has changed, to change things up a bit.  Suggest doing some different things together, dress differently, talk about things you’ve never discussed, jump on him and lick his face till he screams (okay, that’s what I’d do but maybe it’s not right for you two!).

       And the other is, if things have changed, to talk about them with him, and see what he wants.  Maybe he wants the old you, and that’s possible, or not, for you to be again; maybe his views on things have changed and he’d be very interested in whether you’d be willing to join him on his journey; and maybe he’s interested in someone else, and there’s nothing you can do about it but to hope he changes his mind.

       What these all add up to, Rockie, is that nothing I can suggest will make anyone fall in love with anyone, but there are things you can do to make this guy feel heard, comfortable, excited… whatever it is that would stop his feelings from continuing to change. 

       Once you do that, the rest will be up to him.  And at that point, I can only wish you the best of luck. 

       (Or, the ability to realize that you two shouldn’t be together, and that that’s okay too – you can free each other to find better relationships and happier lives)

       But meanwhile, BEST OF LUCK!

       Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend’s mother just doesn’t like you.

Scarlett4 asks:

My boyfriend and I have worked through a lot of problems, including him making some big mistakes in the past.  But now there is a different problem – I don’t think his mom likes me that much. She is just talking with me regularly just for his child’s sake.

Hi Scarlett4 –

Yeah this problem is REALLY common – about as common as fathers not liking the boys their daughters bring home!  It’s not necessarily a bad thing – I think it usually stems from that parent having two experiences: first, having been the person in love with their kid longer than anyone else (falling rapturously mad over the baby, then the toddler, then the sweet kid, then the rebellious teen… ALL of those!); and second, having been the person who took care of that kid all the time, the one whose whole life was built around their child.

So after all that, how could anyone the young person brings home ever seem good enough?!  I can certainly tell you that my human friend Handsome has brought lots of girlfriends to me over the years, and not one of them has ever offered to spend all day guarding the house against prowlers, or chased the squirrels and cats out of the yard, or curled up and lay protecting him through hundreds of nights.  Not one!  So how could I ever say they’re good enough for him?!

Well, there actually is an answer.  And that’s for you to win her over.  For you to be such delightful company, to be the daughter she always wanted, to be her new best friend.

I see it all the time.  Sure she loves her son more than anything in the world, but you’re way more fun to go shopping with.  And besides, hanging out with you is a way of staying close with him, in a way she hasn’t been able to since he started insisting on going out with friends and not telling her everything anymore!

You two can even start to talk about MEN together!  Don’t get too insulting about her baby boy, but you two can definitely roll your eyes at each other about how they’re all obsessed with sports or unable to talk about feelings or never notice your new hairstyles or… you get the idea!

Now maybe I’m wrong, and she’s not this fun loving mom, but rather kind of mean and judgmental.  Well in that case, I’d recommend doing THE EXACT SAME THING – warm her up by being delightful.  I can’t tell you how many times it’s worked for me (often with people who simply don’t like dogs!).

At least give it a try.  And if nothing works, then maybe you can get your boyfriend, who (from your previous letters I know) needs to make up for some stuff, to pay a little bit of his debt by talking to her and getting her to cool it with you.

But first try being her new BFF.  That’s the best way, and so much more fun!

Good Luck!

Shirelle

0 How to deal with Depression.

rain asks:

When I stepped in 9th grade I started having thoughts about death, felt hopeless, worthless, like a failure, I was on edge… I didn’t know what I was feeling I was so confused. One day my friend told me you look like a depressed person so I went home and researched depression.  Almost everything that I was feeling was there but I didn’t want to diagnose myself, so I ignored it. I started being more absent in school, didn’t want to leave my home, but when I stayed home my dad was angry and he said very hurtful things which made me worse.  When I was a kid so many people in my life who were considered family touched me in wrong ways, and my parents fought a lot and they still do, so basically everything that went wrong in my life started becoming a weight on me. I felt like a burden to my family because I scored very low in my exams, so I started cutting myself (I have stopped now). So now three years later I have come to a point where I don’t feel anything. The words that should hurt me or anger me don’t anymore. I feel numb and empty.  I can’t focus on anything. I feel like I’m bursting out of myself.  Nothing feels good anymore and I have no goals anymore. I don’t feel passionate about anything. My finals are approaching and I don’t what I am gonna do. I feel like a huge disappointment to my family, and I have started thinking about ending it all by killing myself. But I’ve realized I need help and I want you to give me advice.

Hi rain –

Let me start with one simple fact.  You have Depression.

Your letter, in fact, is basically a textbook definition of Depression.  Psychologists would give it a more specific name (Major Depressive Disorder for starters), but that’s not that important for now.  What’s EXTREMELY important is three things.

First of all, it is 100% normal for teenagers to go through a depressed time.  Human brains actually need it – your whole identity is changing from being a child to being an adult, and your mind needs to kind of “go into the woods for a while” to transition.  We hear adults complain about “sullen teenagers,” but they’re only forgetting that they went through just the same phase when they were young.  It’s a necessary time, and it can be a very useful time – your growing brain and self-awareness can lead to your gaining awareness about the world, empathy for others, your own moral code.  These are great things, and a beautiful benefit from this experience.  (While there are lots of negatives about this too, such as loss of interest in schoolwork, as you’ve found).

But secondly, your Depression is NOT just a normal teenage phase.  If I’m reading you correctly, you were abused by your family, more than once and by different people.  This has led to a Depression that has gone on for years, not just weeks or months.  And you’ve even cut yourself and reached a point of contemplating suicide.  This is an Emergency – your life is literally in danger from this Depression.  And something has to be done.

The first, and most important, thing I want you to do is to find a professional to talk with about your feelings and experiences.  I don’t know where you live, or what your lifestyle is, but a therapist, a psychologist, a religious leader who has training in counseling – any of these will help.  But you need someone, more than just a caring friend, who knows about Depression, and can help you manage it, and eventually work past it.

Secondly, they may recommend some sort of medication to help with the Depression.  I’m a big supporter of such medicines, but ONLY when they’re given by a doctor, with someone who keeps their eye on you!  Anti-Depressant medicines are not one-size-fits-all, and a pill that makes one person’s life five times better could make someone else break out in rashes, not be able to sleep, or get even more depressed.

(There’s also a danger you might relate to, that sometimes people feel as low as you do now, and take a medication that boosts their optimism just a little, to where they don’t feel good yet, but suddenly believe it’s possible to overcome these bad feelings… and this sense of possibility leads them to commit suicide!  Which of course doesn’t actually make anything better.  You see, when they didn’t see any way out, they were actually safer!  So again, I’m all for medicines, but only when prescribed by a medical doctor, and with someone following you closely to make sure they don’t take you the wrong way!)

And third, at some point, maybe not now while you’re still at home, you’re going to have to do some therapeutic work about what was done to you.  This will be painful – you’ll re-experience some of the trauma you felt as a child.  But it will be necessary, both to end the Depression and to move on into a better life.

I am SO GLAD, rain, that you reached out to me.  It was brave, and I am deeply grateful for your trust.  If I can help you in any way to find the help you need, I’ll be glad to.  But you’ve already done the first step, just by writing this letter.

I also love the name you picked for yourself.  Because you’ve just had three years of rain.  With big dark clouds, no sunshine, no blue skies, no singing birds.

But you know what’s coming?  Once you’re able to take charge of your life and beat this Depression down? 

Oh, your life will be such clear skies, with such beautiful bright morning sun, and all the birds and butterflies in the air, and the little animals running around grabbing food (and yes, us dogs chasing them with such joy!).

And bright green grasses and new leaves on the trees, and flowers – explosive flowers blasting out colors you can’t even imagine – all because of these three years of rain.

It’s not just going to be okay, rain.  It’s going to be glorious. 

Not yet, I know.  But soon.  Once you can move past this awful, awful time.

Let me know how I can help,

Shirelle

2 Poop and Bad Breath: making sense of the new virus rules

Poop and Bad Breath: making sense of the new virus rules

Among the differences between us dogs and you humans, at least once you reach a certain age, is the way you guys are so squeamish!  Things that seem normal to us, or really terrific, nauseate you.  You never sniff each other’s butts hello, you never roll around on dead animals you find, and you insist on cleaning yourselves with soap and water, instead of using your tongues the way we do!

So you might say we pups live in the world of the gross.  The smells we seek out when you take us for walks are just the ones you go to great lengths to avoid.  And we’re fascinated by watching you work so hard to get rid of them.  Imagine how curious you’d find it if someone took good care of their garden but removed all the prettiest flowers and threw them into the trash.  Well that’s what it’s like for us when you cover up all the most interesting smells and treats!

Now in the past few weeks, I’ve been watching you guys struggle with a completely changed world, a new reality.  Where all the rules are unlike anything that was true two months ago:  DON’T go to school, DON’T shake hands when you meet someone, DON’T go visit your grandparents, just STAY on that couch and watch your iPad and phone!  HUH?!

Lots of you are extremely confused, especially about how best to stay safe: Wash your hands, social distance, wear a mask even though they won’t keep you safe, sanitize, moisturize…  of course you’re all going cuckoo! 

But I have a way, through my gross little brain, to help you out.  It’s all about us dogs (isn’t it always!).  Here goes:

First, if you’ve ever had a dog you take on walks, I hope you’re considerate enough of your neighbors to also bring along a bag or two, to clean up when we poop.  (Yes, I said POOP!  I told you, I’m pushing your nausea envelope today!)  So when we plop out something you guys find stinky and distasteful, you reach down and put it in the bag.  Right?

And you do it perfectly, right?  Only the bag touches our nasty turds, right?  No bit of your finger could possibly accidentally brush against it?  And nothing sticking to the bag could get  onto your hand when you tie the top into a knot, right?  You’re ABSOLUTELY SURE? 

Well, just to test your sureness, how about if a friend of yours offers you a handful of chocolate-covered peanuts.  But you need to hold them in your hand, before you put them in your mouth.

Do you?  I’ll bet you don’t!

In fact, I’ll bet you go, “That’s so nice of you.  Let me wash my hands to make sure there isn’t any dog-doo on them, and then I’ll gladly take those yummy treats and devour them!”  Or maybe it’s “Could you just put them into my mouth?  I’m worried about what’s on my hands.”  Or you even think, “Well I know nothing touched my left hand, so I can eat from that… I think!”

But as long as you don’t put your hands in your mouth, or touch your nose or eyes, or touch anyone else, you probably don’t worry about what might be on you, right?  You might even be on an hour-or-two-long hike with your pooch, and very happy to wait to wash up afterwards.  But you don’t put your poopy hands on your face!  And that’s all that matters!

Now imagine you walk into your home after that walk, and there’s a knock on the door, and without thinking you turn the knob and open it.  You chat with the person there, shut the door, and think, “… hmm… I shouldn’t have touched the knob, there might be some of that doggie’s poo on there.”  So you wash your hands and  the knob, right?  But what if you forgot to at the time, and it’s the next day, and you realize, “Wow I should have washed that doorknob yesterday, when I might have gotten something onto it.”  Do you feel you need to wash it now?  Probably not.  It’s been so long, anything nasty would have dried out or evaporated.

And this is exactly what the experts are saying to do about the coronavirus!  Keep your hands away from your face, wash or sanitize often, and be aware that it can last on other surfaces but just for a time.

In other words, when it comes to your hands, there’s really no mystery about Coronavirus – just TREAT IT LIKE DOG POOP!  Yes it’s potentially much more dangerous if you get it into your system, but the way to treat it is JUST THE SAME.

Okay, now, time for number two!  (Yes, that’s a little joke there for those who get it.  Clever pup, aren’t I!)   And this one’s about Breathing!

Now I think my breath smells just great, but I’m not a new puppy anymore and my mouth has had lots of things in it over the years, and so I have… well… dog breath.  And even it’s not as pungent as some other dogs I’ve known, like those with rotting teeth!  So what would you do if your breath smelled as bad as ours?  How would you keep your friends?!

Well, one thing you could do is to stay a little distance away from everyone.  After all, bad breath is just airborne molecules, that dissipate as it gets further from the nasty mouth.  Some say six feet (or two meters) and some say farther is better.  But either way, just stay far enough away that others can’t smell you.  But to be even safer, why not put a covering over your mouth, to keep all that stink inside, away from others?

Well that, my dear friends, is social distancing, and face masks!  One of the worst things about Covid-19 is that a person can be infected with it but not feel it for a few days.  So when it comes to dealing with others, act as if you know you have it!  And since it, like bad breath, is borne in droplets in air, the way to do that is to stay six feet or more away from others, and wear a mask to keep the nasty stuff in.  (Yes, there are fancier, more technological masks, that actually do help keep the person wearing them safe.  But you don’t need that if you’re following the other rules; leave those for the brave selfless health workers who are getting right up next to people with the disease for hours and days and weeks on end.  They need them; you don’t.)

Now there are those other rules to follow, of course.  Stay home if you can, wash instantly if anyone coughs or sneezes on you, keep healthy, take vitamins and zinc and… oh you don’t need me telling you these things!

But if you can remember the rules of Poop and Bad Breath, you ought to be safe.  Safe enough to get through this awful period, and move on to the sort of world we had and want to have again, a world where all your other problems, like about crushes and dating and anger and betrayal and embarrassment… those GREAT problems, become all we talk about again!

0 What to do when your friend thinks you’re cheating with his girlfriend?

Milan asks:

My childhood friend has a girlfriend. She and I started talking, only to solve the disputes or quarrels between him and her, but as this kept going we kept talking to each other and we got addicted to each other, till we got talking to each other almost every day, though neither of us wants a relationship with each other. But when my friend got to know that we talk this much, he told his girlfriend to not to talk to me. We kept talking, though, even though my friend told me to not to talk to her.  So now he thinks that me and his girlfriend are cheating on him and he don’t trust me. What should I do?

Hi Milan –

         I think the problem here is pretty simple, even for a doggy brain, but how to deal with it is much tougher.

         The fact is, your friend asked both you and his girlfriend to not talk to each other, and you went ahead and did it.  Your friend lost trust in the two of you, and is even imagining that you two have done more than just talk behind his back.  I have to admit, that makes sense to me.  You went against his wishes, and he’s hurt and angry, and imagining things.

         But there are two ways to look at this, and what you do next depends on which of them you pick. 

         First, if we say he had the right to ask this of you two, then you and she are at fault, and you need to beg his forgiveness, and start obeying his wishes, and not talk with her, at least unless you’re with him.

         But second, you might say that he had no right to ask you two to not speak, especially as you were working to help their relationship get better.  And if that’s the case, then he’s the one at fault, and you and she need to let him know this, so he can improve.

         But is it possible to do both?  Could you and she both tell him that you kept talking because you felt his request was absurd, and figured he’d get better at dealing with it.  But that now you realize you were wrong to do so behind his back, and you both feel just awful about hurting his feelings this way, and so will agree to not talk with each other for a while, till he can start to trust you two again.

         Do you see the difference here?  You’re agreeing to do what he wanted, because it means so much to him, but you’re still saying that you think his concerns and request were mistaken, and are hoping he works past all that soon.  That’s very different from saying either that he was purely wrong, or that you were.

         It’s like when my human friend Handsome leaves food on a short table that’s below my head-level.  Was I wrong to eat it when he wasn’t looking?  Sure.  But was he dumb to leave it there?  Absolutely.  And when this happens, he doesn’t get very angry with me; he knows it was really his fault.

         Here’s hoping your friend has as clear a realization.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 What does it mean when someone says they “just want to be friends?”

PERFECTION asks:

Shirelle can you please elaborate this for me? Why do girls say they can’t be with you, because to them you’re only just a friend?  I’ve been struggling to understand that sentence, does it mean I wasn’t enough? Perhaps I was too much of a loser to be with her?  Ugly? 

Hi PERFECTION –

This one is always tough.  I do know cases where women (or men – both use this line a lot) say it and mean exactly what it says: they value their friendship with you and are scared that dating might ruin it.

But then it also can mean that they just aren’t interested in you romantically, or that they’re not interested in you at all (Handsome’s had a number of “I want to be just friends” cases who then wouldn’t return his phone calls!  Some friends!).

What’s unquestionably true is that they’re trying to say “no” in the nicest way possible.  And so I’m a big fan of playing along, whatever they mean.  Because if you get angry or hurt with them, it’ll just make them wary of getting together with you in the future, and maybe lead to them warning other girls to avoid you because you get so emotional!

Best to agree to be their friend, and then find out over time what they really meant.  Because in the short term, there’s no way to know.

But for now, may I direct you to a great old song about just this?  There are lots of different versions, some bright and cheerful and some deeply sad.  But it’s pretty brilliant either way…

I took each word she said as gospel truth
The way a silly little child would.
I can’t excuse it on the grounds of youth,
I was no babe in the wild, wild wood.
She didn’t mean it,
I should have seen it,
But now it’s too late.

I thought I’d found the girl of my dreams,
Now it seems,
This is how the story ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,
“Can’t we be friends?”

I thought for once it couldn’t go wrong,
Not for long,
I can see the way this ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,
“Can’t we be friends?”

Why should I care though she gave me the air,
Why should I cry,
Heave a sigh,
And wonder why,
And wonder why?

I thought I found the gal I could trust,
Whatta bust, this is how the story ends:
She’s gonna turn me down and say,

“Can’t we be just friends?”

Never again, through with love
Through with them
They play their game without shame
And who’s to blame?

Yes, I thought I knew the wheat from the chaff
What a laugh, this is how our story ends
I’ll let her turn me down and say
“Can’t we be friends?”

I acted like a kid out of school
What a fool, now I see this is the end
I’ll let her turn me down and say
“Can’t we be friends?”

Yes, I should have seen the signal to stop
What a flop, this is how the story ends
She’s gonna turn me down and say
“Can’t we be, can’t we be, can’t we be
Can’t we be, can’t we be, can’t we be friends?

Your friend (and I MEAN IT!)

Shirelle

0 What are good conversational topics, once you’ve started a relationship?

Danish asks:

Everything is going well, and awesome, with this girl I like.  But now I feel we are lacking topics on which to talk about. We already know about the likes and dislikes of each other, and now, most of the time when we talk, our conversation is just the same repeating format – like how we are, how was your day, discussion about songs, funny jokes and sometimes a little flirting. As you know we both are shy and introverted, so we are going very slowly.  Can you tell me how to make more better and deep conversation ? And secondly how to start talking on topics like kissing and taking it to another level? Is it necessary at this time or not?  If yes, then tell me what’s the beginning way?

Hi Danish –

What it sounds like you’re really asking is how to make conversations deeper.  You’re talking a lot, and it’s going well, but the subjects are staying kind of shallow.  Nothing bad, but… something’s missing.

Now I suppose I could tell you a bunch of deep serious topics to discuss.  The world’s religions, for example.  Politics of course.  Or questions of philosophy (“What is the meaning of life?”  “Could we just be living a dream?”  “What is reality?”).  And all those are fine.

But I’m going to make a different suggestion.  What’s missing in your conversations is meaning.  You’re not talking about things that mean a lot to you. 

Now yes, those could be religion or politics or philosophy.  But they could also be your frustration and confusion about how you’re being looked at by one of your parents.  Or what the better and worse aspects are for the careers you’re thinking of pursuing.  Or why is it your feelings were so hurt by something that happened today, that your conscious thinking brain says was no big deal.

Do you see where I’m going here, Danish?  There are topics that everyone in the world agrees are important and deep and complex.  But what I think would make your relationship more meaningful and intimate is talking about what really matters to you.  And things you might not be eager to share with others, except her.

And of course my wish is that, then, she’d start opening up about difficult things with you as well.

Now you also ask me about how to talk about things like kissing, or moving “to another level.”  I’m all for communication in relationships (and I’m VERY big on nothing happening without mutual consent).  But I also wouldn’t want you to kill the magic of intimate moments.  Talking about kissing is very abstract.  I can do that here: “I love to lick the face of everyone I meet.”  Okay, I said it, but that’s very different from doing it.

What I’d rather you talk about than kissing is your general sense of morality in relationships.  Are there things you don’t want to do before marriage?  Or that she doesn’t?  What are your feelings about divorce, fidelity, even abortion?

You see, these issues have nothing to do with whether you and she kiss the next time you meet, but talking about them will bring you better understanding of each other.  And then when you realize that you agree on 90% of issues and disagree on the other 10% – but are interested in hearing each other’s opinions and feelings, and have shown full respect for them – THEN you have a better sense of each other, and a better sense of closeness.

And then, when this guy, who’s shown her his heart and soul, leans in for a kiss, she will be at least flattered, and maybe feel “this is what I’ve been waiting for all this time!”

Hope that helps!

Shirelle

0 How to know whether someone is uninterested in you, or just shy

Kiran1209 asks:

         I was engaged to a woman who broke our engagement off on the day of our wedding.  I have worked hard to reach a place of acceptance, knowing my anger only kept me tied to the incident. 

Now, my parents are saying it’s time for a new start. They said, we will start looking for girls by the end of this month (January, 2020 ). From their point of view they are right, like how much time we will spend thinking about what happened to us. What going on in my mind is (I know it might sound silly), if people can break a relationship without any reason, I am just afraid to get into serious relationship with someone. I don’t feel like mixing with other people.  And also, even after being so cautious, like asking whether she was interested or if she’s being forced, I had to face the incident.  That been said, what I want to ask is, how do you differentiate between whether the girl is shy or not interested? I thought that a girl talking less and showing lack of initiative was due to shyness or family background (like maybe she’ll talk only after marriage).  Are there any pointers on how can you get rid of the above confusion in 2-3 meetings (that’s how much we get to make a decision in arrange marriages)? 

Hi Kiran1209 –

Your question is a good one.  And I do have some ideas, though I need to state – none of them are perfect.  

There are seven billion people in the world, each different.  And over time there must have been hundreds of billions. Is the girl who canceled your wedding at the very last minute typical?  Of course not.  But is it possible there’s another out there who would do the same thing?  Sure.  

It’s like if a person coaxed me to them speaking sweetly and handing out a treat, but when I got to them they kicked me in the side.  And after that I asked how I could know whether someone who seemed friendly actually was, or were they cruel.  There’s no way to know – though certainly most  people who have reached out to me have been friendly.  In fact, in my experience, every single one.  But I’ve been lucky.

So while I can’t guarantee anything, here are some thoughts on how most  people show the difference between shyness and disinterest:

First, you can simply ask them.  If they act in a way that makes you wonder, just bluntly say “I need to ask you something.  I had a horrible experience once, where someone seemed to be just shy and nervous, but then ended our relationship in the most humiliating way possible.  So I need to know if you’re interested in seeing me again.  I’m not asking if you want to commit to anything, but just if you’re enjoying where we are now.”  Sure, it’s not something a guy usually asks a girl on the third date, but you have great reason to do so, and if she’s at all sensitive, she’ll get it.

But, Second, you might also get away with a lot by just checking her eyes.  How does she look at you.  A shy person is often scared of how much they feel, so they’ll look away from you, but when they look back their eyes open wide, like me smelling pizza!  Does she seem excited at the sight of you, or bored, or even annoyed?

Third, you can ask about her plans for the future.  If she says she doesn’t know what she wants, or that she’s hoping to devote herself to a career, or (especially) if she says “I’m hoping to meet Mr. Right someday,” these are hints she’s not all that interested in you.  While, if she instead says “I know I’m interested in having a family at some point,” or “I love my job and want to keep it but also want more in my life,” those sound like she’s at least not dismissing you.  And of course if she says “I’m trying to figure my future out.  What do you  see for yours?!” that’s a very good sign!

Fourth, of course friends or family are always good for this too.  I’m not a big “behind their back” supporter, but if she’s too shy to let you know how she feels, it might be good to ask her brother or her best friend if they have any idea.  But be aware, if you do, they’re almost certain to tell her you asked – which might be a good or not-so-good thing!

What I really hope for, Kiran1209, is that, just as you’ve managed to find such a wise and accepting place, you’re also able to find a fun one.  And to realize that meeting these women ought to be a joy, not a fear-based puzzle.  Every woman you meet is potentially The One, and you have some excellent criteria to judge them on (honesty being a very big one!).  So get out there, meet the ones your family sets you up with, meet others too, and trust that, ALMOST certainly, the crazy thing that happened to you once won’t happen again.

Instead, something far more frightening might occur…. you might meet someone just right for you!  Who you love and loves you back.  And that’s when life REALLY gets scary – in the best best best ways!

Bowing with respect,

Shirelle

0 What to do when one partner in a relationship is much more expressive than the other

Danish asks:

Now the girl I love and I are in a relationship but she express her much less as compared to me, and I get very emotional almost every day, because we are in a long-distance relationship and I miss her too much most of the time. So I express my love towards her almost daily, whether through compliments, songs etc., but she does so much less.  So when I express my feelings she feels like Aaah!! and sends cute loving emojis, but she doesn’t take initiative to express her love. I know she is a shy and introverted (as am I), but now I am open to express whatever goes in my heart while she does much less. And when I express my feelings she just loves it and sometimes goes speechless and can’t talk after that moment. And sometimes she tests me a lot by changing her words from what she said earlier – say something new today and then when I feel fear she’ll go “Ohhh!! What are you saying?!” and then she’ll say like “how do you manage all the shocks I give you!” Then I say “Patience!”  

So can you tell me, what can be the reason she expresses her feelings less?

Or  does she express her feelings towards me in a different language which I am not getting??

Hey Danish!

I’m actually very excited by your letter.  I know you’re feeling some frustration, but what you’re feeling is MATURE frustration!  Let me explain.

See, when a couple first get together, anything that happens between them is exciting and a joy.  “He likes that same song I do!”  “She likes my dog!”  “He called me!”  “She let me kiss her!”  

But then after a while, these feelings start to calm down.  No big deal that you like some of the same songs, so you focus on the ones you don’t share.  Of course your dog likes her, but it’s not like she offers to walk him.  “Oh, who’s calling me?  I hope it’s my friend with the Biology assignment.  Hmmm… no it’s my boyfriend, I’ll just call him back later.”  And, yeah, “Why is it that she turns her cheek to me whenever I lean in?!”  

These problems aren’t bad, they’re just part of the stage you’ve gotten to in your relationship.  And this stage, unlike those first “honeymoon” days, are when the actual work of relationships begins.  

It’s like with Handsome and me.  When he first brought me home from the pound, he was thrilled with everything about me.  “Wow she’s walking around the house!”  “Wow, she’s chewing on my finger!”  But soon it turned into him getting upset when I’d pee in the living room, or bite his ankle.  And so the training began.  Both him training me in obedience, and me training him in what I like and don’t.

So you have a new job, Danish.  You need to start “training” her!

Now I don’t mean that you should give her orders.  But it’s time for you to start letting her know that, as much as you love her, you need her to speak up more, to reach out to you more.  That when she doesn’t, you worry.  That you wonder if she feels the same things you do.

Now when you do, she might get defensive, which would be too bad, if she feels you’re accusing her of something (which you’re very much not).  But hopefully, either right away or after you calm her concerns, she’ll do two things. First, she’ll realize that what you’re saying is actually really sweet.  But second, she’ll start to speak up about herself too.  Maybe she’ll say “I love you, Danish, but I just can’t express myself the way you do.  I need you to know that I’m always thinking about you, and the little things I write you are as much as I can.”  Or perhaps she’ll say “You’re so great!  All my life, everyone’s told me to hold back and not say so much.  And you’re asking for more of me?  You’re just the best!”

I don’t know.  But what I do know is that you’re right at the stage where relationships move to becoming real, and deep, and truly beautiful. 

There’s a lovely bit in the great dog novel The Call of the Wild, that talks about a man and a dog who love each other madly.  And when the man pats the dog, the dog’s fur is too thick for him to feel the man’s hand, and the dog shows his affection by biting the man’s hand, which hurts the man a little.  But while neither feeling is “pleasant,” both recognize that the other is showing love, and so adore these gestures.

You and this lady have the potential for something like that, but way better.  You can communicate about specifics and subtleties.  (I’m just thrilled I can know such words!)

Your relationship, which was already great, is about to get way better!  Have Fun!

Cheers

Shirelle

1 Is there such a thing as love at first sight?

Audrey Melanie asks: Do you believe in love at first sight?! I have never loved or felt loved but I have always believed in love. Never been into any relationship, but always dream of being in one.  I am 22 years old, denied and rejected by everyone, including my own family, but strongly believe all I need is love to move on. I need to love and experience love, but there is a problem: I don’t know how to get it.  A lot of men have approached me, but my conscience always rejects them. I always reject someone from the way I see them the very first time we meet. I plan to love but I am so choosy in everything (it’s not about looks, but once I realize a certain kind of behaviour, I keep off). I need love, and I want to love, but I don’t know to start and I don’t really know what love really is. I need help. I strongly believe I will love the person am attracted to at first sight, but what if it’s all infatuation and I end up heartbroken? Do you believe in true love at first sight?!

Hi Audrey Melanie –

I am a dog.  And as a dog, I fall in love at first sight ALL THE TIME!  I see a person or a dog and am instantly smitten – I want to jump on them and lick them and chew on them and become best friends with them all at once!

But that doesn’t mean I know anything about them.  I don’t know if they’re really nice, I don’t know if they’re trustworthy, and I sure don’t know if they’re someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with.

So it seems to me you’re asking something bigger than I’m suggesting.  You’re asking if it’s possible to, at first sight, know that someone is totally right for you and will always be.  And my quick simple answer to you is… No.  Absolutely not.

We can pick up a lot at a first meeting.  Sometimes a person will meet someone and know at once that they ‘resonate,’ that they have similar energies, that they’re mutually attracted, that they have some values in common.  And that’s a lot!  But they’re not everything.  

For starters, it’s easily possible that you could meet someone and be correct about all those things, and then discover that they’re married, or devoutly belong to a different religion from yours, or have some other quality that means you can’t live in the same place.  They could even have a different sexual orientation!  Just about anything could be possible.

But it’s also possible that you could get along beautifully, get involved romantically, and discover other sides of them over time – maybe a meanness, a cruelty, prejudices you simply can’t live with.

These things take time to learn.  And I wonder if you’re hurting yourself by expecting too much to happen in an instant.  You are clearly a wonderful, loving person, and deserve to experience the kind of love you crave.  So how about if you take a chance on some guys who you find attractive enough, but who do have the behaviors you’ve demanded.  Love can build, when you’re with someone who’s right for you.

You know, maybe I should change what I said at first.  Maybe I don’t really fall in love at first sight all the time.  I go crazy for people and pups, and want all those things I said.  But I had all those feelings for Handsome when I met him, and my feelings today are so much deeper and bigger.  He’s become my everything in so many ways.  And yeah, that’s taken lots of time and experience and work.

So find some wonderful people and get out there and learn what it’s like to love someone a little, to have some commitment, to get a little intimate.  And my guess is, if you do, you’ll find soon enough that the wild gigantic overwhelming love you dream of will explode, inside you and right before your eyes.

All my best,

Shirelle