0 How to help a friend whose feelings you’ve hurt

indithelady asks: 

I’m having an argument with my best friend right now, and I’m extremely confused.

Here’s how it all started.  My friend S has a crush on a celebrity on Instagram, and because this celebrity hasn’t actually become super-famous, he answers to DMs and comments from his fans. S showed me his Instagram profile, and because she was my best friend I thought it would be fun to fangirl him together. I followed him and since then I’ve been trying to DM him just for fun. He actually replied to all of them which was exciting. I showed the conversations to S and she pretended to quarrel with me about “stealing her lover,” and had a good laugh – you know like best friends do. It was just supposed to be a joke and she knew that. Now here are some things you should know about S and me. We are two completely different people. I’m more outgoing and I love to socialize, whereas S keeps to herself and is a bit of an introvert. but that was never a problem to me and she never mentioned that she had trouble with socializing. 4 days later the celebrity DM’ed me back a heart, and I sent a screenshot to Sara for a joke, as we’ve been doing for a while. Suddenly she cussed at me, which surprised me, but I thought it was part of the joke so just kept teasing her. The next morning when I woke up, she sent me a long paragraph about how I’m so clueless about everything, and she cussed at me a lot of times. I was upset and shocked but I still apologized because maybe I did do something wrong. She ignored me but I figured I would just give her some space. I couldn’t sleep until the next day so I checked her twitter, and she was tweeting and saying mean stuff about me. I was heartbroken because I don’t even understand why she’s so mad. 4 days ago we were having a good laugh and now she’s calling me names. I spent the whole day crying and trying to talk to her. I called her cell and she answered the first time, but when she realized it was me she hung up. I spam called her, because I felt the need to talk to her. I know I probably seemed rude and I’m sorry but I explained to her that we needed to talk. And I also wanted to know why she was saying all that stuff about me on Twitter, telling people another version of the story that made me seen like a bad person.  She’s bad mouthing me and other people are starting to look down on me, and I have no idea why she is doing this. I understand that she’s upset I kept DM’ing her celebrity crush but she was laughing with me. Why not just talk to me about how she felt instead of spreading nasty rumors about me. I get the feeling that she’s… kind of toxic. This is the biggest argument we’ve ever had because she’s blocked me on every social media and I have no way to reach her. It seems like she’s being irrational and its always me who has to apologize. She once said nasty things about me to my face, but I just ignored and forgave her. But now this small matter? and she’s blaming it all on me? I don’t understand. I want to fix this but I’m tired. I feel like she’s doing this on purpose just to lash out at me. What should I do?

Hi indithelady –

So I’ll admit, I would have been writing you back that I’m completely perplexed and have no idea what to do about this.  Except for one sentence in your letter: “I’m more outgoing and I love to socialize, whereas S keeps to herself and is a bit of an introvert.”  And that makes me think I know what’s going on.

You and S have been friends in real life.  There’s something not-quite-real about being fangirls to some celeb on Instagram, but your relationship is still the same.  And my guess is that S has always been jealous, and felt inferior, to you because of your outgoing nature.  (I talk to people about this all the time, that when humans become adults, it really doesn’t matter anymore whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert.  Lots of the most successful, admired, and desired people in the world are introverts!  But when you’re young, it matters, a lot.) 

I’m going to guess you’re in high school, where social popularity matters more than any other time in life.  So it was fun for her at first, when you joined with her in sending stuff to this guy.  But then, when he responded, and you were writing him when you weren’t with her, she felt betrayed, that you’d gone behind her back and, well, in a sense, stolen her boyfriend!

If I’m correct on this, you’ve done everything right so far, but she’s so hurt and upset that none of your message has gotten through.

But there is one thing you still can do, if you want.  Because this guy is so kind and interactive, while not too popular to hear you, I’m thinking you could write him and ask HIM to write her.  That you could explain just what happened, and how you’ve just been having fun for her sake, but she misinterpreted it all.  And ask if he can explain to her that there’s nothing between you, and that he just loves to play and flirt on Instagram, and, most importantly, that you, indithelady, were only doing this for her! 

Now maybe he wouldn’t be up for it; of course I have no idea.  But I sure know that if something like this happened with me (who also is friendly and interactive and not that big a celebrity!), I’d be honored to write her in a second and let her know what really matters (her real-life best friend) and what doesn’t so much (her virtual relationship with me).

Not to say I don’t matter, or that my relationships with my Pack members don’t matter!  Each one of you means loads to me!  But not as much as your relationships with your friends and family, or mine with mine.

Do you think it’s worth a shot?

Let me know!

Shirelle

0 How to figure out what people who avoid compliments really feel

Wretched asks: I jwant to know your thoughts about my crush’s reply to my confession. I didn’t get it and I don’t know what to reply. So I’m asking you if I have been rejected. My confession started with “I like you” and I followed it with the reasons why. I told him I was thankful for him because he helped me heal through his Godly posts. His reply was, “All glory goes to God and I merely relayed God’s messages.” Now I am confused with how to respond to that.

Hi Wretched –

This is a funny situation.  You know, my human friend Handsome, who I think is just the greatest thing in shoes?  Well he has this problem, where when someone gives him a big compliment, he’ll often give a trick answer, to avoid it.  He likes hearing them, but they often make him uncomfortable.  So someone will say they like the outfit he’s wearing, and he’ll comment on how much better it would look on a better-looking guy.  Or they compliment something he’s said as smart, and he’ll say “yeah, well even a broken clock is right twice a day.”  Or they’ll say he’s got deep wisdom and a great soul… when he ALWAYS says, “any of that is completely due to what I’ve learned from Shirelle.”

The reason I’m saying all this is that I truly don’t know what your crush is feeling or thinking.  He may be a man who believes deeply that all honor on him belongs to God, and it’s his way of expressing faith to say so at every opportunity.  Or he may (more like Handsome) just be a bit embarrassed, and even if he feels the same way toward you that you feel toward him, retreated into his statement about God.

Or it could be that he is trying to let you down easy.

I have NO IDEA. 

In fact, is it even possible that he didn’t fully understand  what you said, and really thought you were just thanking and complimenting him for his help?

Sadly I think the truth is we know nothing.  And can’t unless he says something more.

Is there a way for you to get a little more information out of him?  Even just find out about what he likes or finds attractive in others?  (I find people can get a lot of information about that by asking about movies and TV shows and music.  “What movie stars do you like?”  If you could be with any character on TV, who would it be?”)

Because right now, I’m as unknowing as you! And by the way, I have no problem acknowledging, I’m REALLY SMART!

All my best,

Shirelle

0 Should couples stay together when they know they don’t have a future with each other?

Chdeep asks:

What to do when you love each other but there is no future?
Break up or stay together as long as possible?

Hi Chdeep –

This is SOOO difficult, and there’s no answer that’s always correct for everyone.  The one advice I can give on this is that the two of you need to discuss this issue, openly, with each other.  And be totally honest.

Let’s say you two agree that it’s fun right now, and so you’d like to keep things going until a particular point, and then move on.  As long as you don’t do anything that will make you responsible later (such as create a child!), that can work fine, and you can look back on each other with great appreciation as the years go by.

Or let’s say you two agree that it’s too painful to stay together when you agree there’s no future, so you break up to protect each other from higher pain.  Okay, again, you can appreciate each other for the rest of your lives.

But what if one of you feels “let’s keep it while it’s fun” and the other says “I have to protect myself from pain.”  Then, I know it’s disappointing, but I think you have to go with what the second one says.  Better to miss out on some fun than to cause deep pain to someone you like or love.

But if you’re not open about it, if you’re not honest with yourselves and each other, then someone is likely to get REALLY hurt, and feel betrayed.  And then, instead of appreciating each other forever, you’ll have to live with suspicion and resentment.  Yucch.

Look, we dogs know the bad news; we don’t live as long as you humans.  So we always are in relationships with “no future,” as we know our people are very likely to live on after we’re gone.  And that’s always really sad for both of us.  But there’s never a resentment over it – no person feels betrayed or abandoned by us when we go.  And we’re able to give each other so much love and joy while we’re both still around.

So talk with each other, and be kind for each other.   And that will make whatever you decide the right choice.

All my best,

Shirelle

4 Your Commencement: graduating into a new world

One of the sadder side-effects of this pandemic (far less than the tolls of death and illness, and economic pain, but still real) is what it’s done to the final year of school for so many students.  Athletes unable to shine in the sports they’ve mastered, performers not getting the chance to act and sing in the roles they’ve worked so hard on, romances not getting to show off at their proms… and everyone missing out on the big deal – to celebrate graduation.

Now of course, they’ll still get their diplomas.  No one’s taking that away.  It’s not like one of those dreams I’ve seen Handsome wake from in a trembling sweat, where he has to retake classes in his high school!  It’s just that ceremonies and rituals have a great meaning for you humans, and a whole generation is missing out on this one.

But are they really?  Aren’t they experiencing a different graduation, far more profound than the goofy pomposity where people wear flat hats?  They have the whole current world watching as they graduate into a whole new world, a changed reality.

And instead of listening to (probably) boring speeches by their teachers or somebody they’ve never heard of who graduated from their school before they were born, they’re watching new art forms and technologies bloom, made for them.

But wait, I’m not just talking about the 18-year-olds, the Class of 2020.  I’m barking at the entire human race out there.  You ALL are graduating!  You have finished learning whatever you could in the Pre-Coronavirus world, and are being released into a new one – one you don’t fully understand, with new responsibilities, new hopes, and new fears.  It’s what high-school and university graduates have always experienced, but now it’s everyone.

Just like all high schoolers ever, all of humanity has felt victimized these last months, like the world expects everything of them and isn’t giving them the support they need.  And I’m not going to tell anyone they’ve been wrong to feel this.  But the change is on. 

And just as university graduates always have, you’re being told you’re expected to be responsible leaders now, while deep down you know you’re not prepared for that. 

So you current students (or for those who’re older, looking back on when you were), when you were in school, did you ever cheat on a Biology exam without learning the material?  Did you squeak through a History class without really understanding it?  Did you drop that Math course halfway before it was done? 

Too bad.  You’re out of school.  You’re heading into the world with exactly the knowledge you have.  No more…

…But also… No less!  You are more prepared than you know, and have learned thousands of lessons along your awkward journey, just like everyone else.

So Congratulations, and Happy Graduation!

(yikes!)

But when I say that you’re graduating, what does that really mean?  If you could attend a ceremony now, what would it really be about, in your life?

This week, I got an amazing letter from tuktuk, one of my Pack members.  It said more about the meaning of graduation than any speech I’ve ever heard.  And it’s just a description of a… well I’ll let her tell you…

I had a dream. At my school, when we graduate, we have a formal farewell, where teachers talk about the students.  In my dream, we were having that ceremony in the playground. I was standing with a friend D, and my other friends were also there.

And suddenly I saw the younger version of a friend, and D started calling him out, and he waved back.  Then we realized that all of our younger versions were playing in the round. So, I went to find my younger version. I was having a hard time finding her. Then, the bell rang and all the kids were lined up and there I found myself.

I called her out and talked to her. I asked her to not to repeat the mistakes I did when I was young, and to be happy. And she asked me to do the same, and not to look back, and to focus on my future.

Then everyone were gathering in the ground, and I saw my mother from a distance and wanted to show her my younger version. I went to her and showed her mini-me, and then I asked her to click a picture of me with her.

Then I woke up. The dream was strange and made me happy. I want to know the meaning behind my dream.

Well, as you can guess, I told her that I thought that dream held more meaning than this doggy brain can possibly grasp.  But I just LOVE the idea that the most important guest at a graduation isn’t your friends or your family, but you – the you of your past, and the you of your future. 

What would you tell that younger you if you could today?  And what would they tell you?  What would you tell your future you?  And what might they say to you?

The advice is going to be different for everyone.  Did you spend high school studying all the time and avoiding a social life?  Well if so, wouldn’t you tell that version of you to put the books away some night and go make a fool of yourself at a party?  Or did you spend school playing video games and sneaking out to vape with friends?  Maybe you’d tell that you, “Stop wasting your time!  Do something useful!” 

And what would you tell the you that’s moving forward now?  I think tuktuk’s advice is great, to focus on the future and not the mistakes of the past (though of course they’ll keep coming back, as they always do!). 

For example, did you accidentally go out last week without a mask?  Did you hug a friend when you weren’t supposed to?  Well, you could focus on “I’m such an air-head!  I could have caused someone’s death!  I’m so horrible!”  Or you could say, “Hmm… I need to learn from that.  Maybe I’ll get an extra mask and keep it in my pocket in case I forget again.”  And “I need to stay more focused, and not hug people though I want to so badly!”  That’s a much healthier way to deal with those screwups. 

Because, my friends, every one of us is our present, our past, and our future, right now.  I am so in awe of the end of tuktuk’s dream – getting a picture of herself with her younger self, taken by her mother.  What a great definition of your eternal self! 

I recommended to her, and I do to all of you, to put some time aside and follow through on that idea.  However you’d do it.  Draw a picture of you and your younger self.  Or use your brilliance on computers to create a photograph of you two together.  Or maybe write a play where you two meet and talk.  Whatever you create will be your truth, right now.  And maybe add your future self in there as well.

The world is new every day, my friends.  And each of you get to be a part of creating what it will be.  This virus will go down, or maybe even go away.  What matters is what the post-pandemic world will be.  And that’s up to you.

Talk to your past, your future, your parents and friends, and most importantly to your present selves.  Whether you’re 9 or 99, the most exciting moment ever, full of more potential than ever before, is right now.

So throw that goofy hat in the air, give a joyous yell, and leap into it! It’s YOURS!

0 Should men or women initiate conversations?

PERFECTION asks:  Will it kill women to chat to men first? Is it that hard?  Is that really how it should be?  I have someone that I currently have been chatting with, and I always am the one to reach out first. Does that mean anything? I mean, could it be a sign that she’s not interested in me? What do you think I should do??

Hi PERFECTION –

This is yet another one of those cases where we dogs are so different from you!  We like to be the first to start conversations.  That way we can try to set the situation, whether it’ll be playing, fighting, or avoiding.  And I love running up to people I like and jumping on them, licking their faces, all that.  Why would I want to wait for them?!

But I know, you guys see things differently, and start to feel disrespected or unwanted when someone else isn’t initiating your contact at least part of the time.

So you ask if it’s hard to do?  No.

But then you ask if it means anything.  And with that, I’m not so sure.  Humans have many different and complex agendas.  So is she trying to let you down easily, in a not-so-hurtful way?  Or is she playing by some rule-book that says the woman should wait for the man to initiate contact so she doesn’t seem easy and not worth the effort?  Or is she just busy a lot, or does she lack a certain set of manners?!

I have no idea!

But you have every right to ask her.  Maybe in a more polite tone than you presented to me, though!!  Something more like “Hey I’m noticing I’m always the one initiating our chats.  Is there something I should be picking up from this?  Would you rather I didn’t reach out as much?”  And if she says “Oh my God, no!  Please keep reaching out, you’re the highlight of my every day!” then I think you’re in pretty good shape.  Or if she says “Well I’m busy a lot of the time, and you keep interrupting me while I’m in other conversations with guys,” then that says something else!

I fully understand that you don’t want to come off as weak or begging.  But to, from a place of strength and confidence, ask if there’s a reason for it… I think that ought to be fine.

Or actually, here’s what I really believe: if she’s interested in you, then the question will be fine and she’ll let you know it (and probably be complimented at your interest).  But if she’s not, she might find it annoying.  And either one will tell you what you need to know.

Here’s Hoping for the Best!

Shirelle

0 How to get your husband and his family to treat you better.

Pritzel asks:

I got married recently, an arranged marriage. I am suffering from, let’s call it “manic introversion.” I don’t know the exact term it goes by, but you get the idea, right? His family is old fashioned and full of nitpickers and I’m extremely sensitive to those people. I am utterly incapable of confronting such people, so my only tactic is evasion. I am otherwise bright making steady progress towards building a career for myself, but this marriage shattered all my dreams. In the one year since we got married, I slowly gave into all the terms of arranged marriage. I have one final request – staying away from his family until I am ready to meet them one day. Complete avoidance. Is it wrong? Most of the time he is good to me, but when we fight about it, it sends me down a vortex of depression. He breaks stuff and manhandles me when I refuse to budge and go meet his relatives. What am I supposed to do?

Hi Pritzel –

Okay, I have to start with one issue, before I answer your question.  As a dog I’m very sensitive to the concept of “manhandling.”  When my human friend, Handsome, handles me, it’s either to do something nice (petting, hugging, or playing), or to protect me (grabbing me as I walk into a street, or stopping me from getting into a fight).  But when you talk about your husband manhandling you in anger, I get very concerned.  It makes me think of my friend Aria, who was grabbed and beaten when she was younger, and so still today, living in a happy loving home, will scream out and snap when someone reaches to the back of her neck – which is always out of wanting to pet her!  It’s so sad, and for those people, scary!

So I don’t like this at all.  Every couple has differences and arguments, but I want him to STOP TREATING YOU ROUGHLY RIGHT AWAY!  I don’t know what resources you have, but I’d love it if you could threaten him in some way, like “If you hurt me again, I’m going to go stay with my parents” or even “If you grab me like that again, I’m going to have my big brother come talk with you about it!”  I know I’d love to be in the room and come at him with all my teeth bared – and I’ll bet that’d be all I’d need to do!  Not even nip him, just give him a little scare, and then leave you two to work out this difficult situation in a fairer, safer manner.

But on to your question.  You’re suffering from his family being excessively judgmental, it seems.  I’m not sure what you mean by giving in to “all the terms of arranged marriage,” or how it’s shattered all your dreams, but I sure do know that no one likes feeling judged like that.  And you really have no say in it; you’re the new wife, wanting to be liked and accepted, and his family, who chose you, or at least agreed to you, are making that hard or impossible for you.

I can mainly think of two solutions to this.  First would be if you could get your husband to stick up for you.  I don’t mean for him to abandon his family, but could he just be strong and say to them, “Mother, you need to treat Pritzel better.  She’s my wife, and the way you act toward her is an insult to me.”  Or “Aunt, you’re being unfair to Pritzel, and making our family look bad to her.  I’ve been trying to make her happy, but you’re making her feel like she doesn’t even want to be around you.”  Or just, “Brother, cool it!”  Him doing this would not only help you out, but build his confidence as well, making him feel some power in his family structure.

But second, if he’s unable or unwilling to do those (or even if he does do them), is there one member of his family you feel is more on your side?  Maybe his sister or his aunt?  Who you could talk with, away from the others, and get to support you more?  I’m thinking something like “Hey sister-in-law, you’re always so nice to me, and I just need to talk with you because I need some help when the other family members are being harsh!”  Is there someone you feel this way toward?  You see, if you can get just one of them on your side, that’s usually enough to make the difference. 

And of course I’d love you to get your confidence built up anyway, as it’s clear you’ll need that for dealing with all of these folks.  So please feel free to write me anytime, even for just a supportive tail-wag and bark.  But anything else you can do to feel stronger is going to be great too.

Marriage ought to make your life better, my friend.  I hope there’s a way to make that happen.  Let’s see what we can do!

All my very best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when you catch your teenager drinking

recmmc asks: I was putting something away in my 12-year-old daughter’s room, and I saw half- hidden water bottles, three of them with alcohol in them, and two shot glasses. I don’t know how to confront her regarding this and proper discipline.

Hi recmmc –

As frightening as this has to have been for you, I can assure you it’s as common as fleas on my tummy in summer.  Normally this will happen a year or two later than twelve years old, but your daughter may just be an “early bloomer.”  I’m going to guess that two things are going on here.

First of all, she is doing the natural experimentation teenagers do.  She’s trying out something that’s always been forbidden, attempting to act older than she is, and very likely doing it with a friend or friends, which makes it even more exciting and meaningful to her.

On the other hand, she has done it in a clumsy way – leaving the evidence right out there for you to find, which tells me she was absolutely planning (maybe unconsciously) for you to catch her.

My suggestion to you would be to respond to it, but in a very “cool” way.  She’s broken a rule, and there needs to be some sort of consequence, but as of now there’s no sign that she’s approaching alcoholism or anything like that.  You just want to let her know you’re in charge.

Part of being a teenager is testing boundaries, especially with parents and their rules.  The world is telling them every day to be more adult, and also stay a child.  So they need to figure out what are real boundaries and what aren’t.  It sounds to me like she’s doing just that. 

The funny part about this is that somewhere, deep-down, most teens in situations like this are actually hoping their parents set strong boundaries.  They need to feel what their real limits are so they can grow within them. 

But also there might be a cry-for-attention going on here.  I remember once, my human friend Handsome was working on a big project, and was gone pretty much all day every day for a few weeks, just coming home at night to sleep.  I amused myself by focusing on birds and squirrels, and some rats that would come over from our neighbor’s house, but I missed him and his attention horribly. 

Finally, one day he didn’t leave.  He had the day off and went about spending it at home, very happily.  And what did he do with that time?  He got the huge pile of mail that had accumulated and set to working on it, reading letters, paying bills, all that sort of stuff.  Well I was furious – I’d been patient all this time, and now that he was free he was going to look at papers?!  So I, very carefully, watching him to catch his eye, started walking around his white couch, which I wasn’t allowed onto.  And once he glanced up, I climbed right onto it, staring him in the eye the entire time!  Well of course he jumped up and yelled at me.  But he also, at that moment, realized what I was doing and why.  And so once he got me off the couch, he took me outdoors and started playing catch with me, which gave me exactly what I needed.

So again, my friend, my suggestion is to simply confront your daughter, and give her some small consequence for breaking the rules, and see if that’s enough.  And maybe, depending on your own views on this issue, you might offer to let her have a sip of wine or beer next time you have some – to let her know that, while the rules still apply, you also recognize that she is starting to grow into an adult.  (But that last part isn’t necessary unless it feels completely right to you).

Now if you do this and she does it again, or you see bigger problems, then please write me again, as that’s a very different story.  But for now, cool and clear will probably work just right.

All my best,

Shirelle

0 What to do when your girlfriend feels ignored and wants to break up

Prince2411 asks:

I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for five years, and we’ve been through a lot in these years. Only, recently, she’s been a little different and always mentions separation as our only option for problems that are solvable. I have some academic backlog and I’m working on that, but upon looking at her friends who are successful now and getting engaged, she feels left out. She loves me but this does affect her.  She extends really small and petty issues and, as mentioned, always resorts to a break up as the last option. I love her and she loves me but I don’t know why she does this. How do I fix this? How do I save this relationship? My parents love her too. Please help.

Hi Prince2411 –

It sounds to me like you’re dealing with one major issue here – her doubt.  If she felt secure in you, and in your relationship, she’d be saying different things. 

She’d likely be bothered by, and complaining about, the same things she is now, but she’d be, like you, looking for ways to fix them, instead of saying there’s no way to do so.

Now it could be that she’s just not as interested in the relationship as you’d like her to be.  That one’s a sad situation, and one that’s best for both of you to move on from as soon (and as kindly) as possible.

But my guess is that that’s not it.  I’m struck by the things you say about your studies, and her engaged friends.  And I’m wondering if she just needs to know how important she is to you.  Not just that she’s your girlfriend, but what your intentions are, and what she means to you.

I know that my human friend Handsome loves me.  He says so every day, and shows it in many ways.  But sometimes, when he’s really involved in work or a relationship, I feel like I’m a lower priority to him, and that feels awful.  Sometimes he just comes around on his own and shows me how much I mean to him, but  other times I really need to force it out of him (my favorite method is to climb onto the forbidden couch!  He can’t just take me for granted then – he gets mad, but then he realizes why I’m doing it and starts treating me better).

So my advice is to not even respond to her statements about breaking up.  Instead, do two things.  First, think about every concern she has told you about, and come up with a good solution to each one.  She might or might not agree with what you say, but it will prove your interest. 

And second, make a great big fuss over her.  Send her flowers, write her a song, throw a surprise party for her (for no occasion!).  And maybe even talk about the future – tell her how you hope your lives will be when you’re done with school, and after that. 

And most importantly, just make a point of letting her know that she is the most important person in your world.  More important than your friends, and more important than your schoolwork and career. 

And if you can do that, my guess is that she’ll stop thinking that breaking up will solve anything at all!

Best of luck!

Shirelle

0 What to do when you get depressed at college

Loser101 asks:  You’ll be glad to know that I’m overcoming my slight body dysmorphia and I finally think I’m pretty good looking haha, and I’ve gotten into my dream university. Life’s going pretty good but I feel lonely, all my friends are drifting away, they’re busy with their own lives, and it’s kind of hard to accept. I’m learning but it’s a slow process. I’ve been doing the exact same routine of checking my socials continuously every day for the past two months, and it’s a drag honestly. I’m aware of this toxic behaviour but I can’t let it go. I want to feel wanted by people. I broke up two months ago – the guy was toxic so it was good I guess, but I miss having someone to talk to constantly. It’s hard really, I don’t know why, but I can’t focus on myself like some of my friends tell me to when I’m telling them these things. Recently I’ve started getting into prayer and meditation – they do help but I relapse at times.

Hi Loser101 –

         I don’t know where you live, but if it’s in the northern hemisphere, I’m going to tell you that you’re right on schedule.  The January/February time is known by many colleges and universities as the highest time for Depression and Isolation there.  I’m not sure why – maybe because people have just reconnected with their families, or maybe because it’s winter and harder to go outdoors, or perhaps just because it’s that time in the transition from everyone you know there being strangers into friends into people who will matter to you the rest of your life. 

         Whatever the cause, what you’re experiencing could not be more normal.  The alienation, the questioning.  Especially, ESPECIALLY, because you broke up with that guy two months ago.  I’m sure you’ll be better off in the long run, but for right now, you’re remembering how nice it was to have a boyfriend!

         So I have two recommendations.  First is to accept that this is just a transitional time, and to make some plans over the next couple of months to get away when you can.  Do you have someone you’re friendly enough with to take a day-trip on a weekend to visit somewhere nearby?  Or maybe you have some family you could visit for a day or two?  Just get through this time – things WILL get better, and likely that’ll happen when the weather improves and everyone around you develops better moods!

         But second, spending all that time on social media, while it does help you feel less alone, just keeps you more connected with your “outside” life, and less with the people you’re near right now.  Can you spend part of that time getting together with some of these new people and doing something fun?  Seeing a movie, grabbing a meal, or just complaining about how damned depressing everything is?!

         We dogs don’t really experience what you’re living.  For me, the most depressing times I’ve ever known have been when I’ve been locked up in a pound, a kennel, or a veterinarian’s office.  And all those times I’ve been literally  kept away from everyone and everything I know.  Other dogs experience being given away by their families, and maybe that’s closer to what you’re going through – even though you’re where you are as a choice!

         What we dogs are great at is what you’re not doing right now – exploring our world, finding ways to socialize, ways to make life interesting.  I’m guessing you’ll have no trouble doing just that, around March. 

         But for now, just do your best.  Get through this time, and see if you can make some good experiences.  Before you know it, everything will likely change and your current blah world will become your favorite place.

         All my best,

         Shirelle

0 What to do when your boyfriend tells your secrets

Vitu asks:

I have a boyfriend who tells people what I tell him. He goes behind my back to discuss me with other people, and then he toys and teases me about it. Should I dump him or continue with the relationship?

Hi Vitu –

This is something we dogs never deal with.  We communicate in ways that you people often don’t understand (through sounds and smells and gestures), but we don’t keep secrets.  We don’t even know how!  So the only thing that happens behind anyone’s back is… well… sniffing!

But I know that you humans take these things very seriously.  Secrets, promises, confidentiality, are part of human intimacy.  And for many people, telling those special secret somethings to others is not too far from cheating.

Then I see other people who feel the exact opposite.  My human friend Handsome has dated a number of women who see nothing wrong in sharing every intimate detail of their relationship, including anything he’s told her in confidence, with their closer friends.  They wouldn’t blab them to others, but they feel just fine about that.  (He does not agree with them, by the way, and it often contributed to their breaking up!)

So I think this is one of those situations where you and your boyfriend have different values and needs.  Which is true in all relationships eventually.  The question – the VERY BIG question – is whether or not you two can work this out, in a way that respects you both.

Now from what you wrote me, I’m getting the idea that your boyfriend doesn’t respect your feelings about this at all.  What I don’t know is whether you’ve told him how much it means to you.  If he doesn’t know, then I can’t fault him; it’s just your job to tell him how you feel.

And once he knows, he might have some perfectly fair responses.  Like, “But I need my friends to hear what I’m dealing with; it’s something I’ve always needed in all sorts of circumstances.  I don’t do this to insult you.  Darling, I do it so that our relationship can work!”

Or he might be shocked and say, “I’m so sorry!  I had no idea I was doing anything that would bother you.  Tell me specifically what it is you want me to keep secret, and I’ll do it absolutely.”

Or he might laugh and say “Oh you’re just a prude.  Stop being so sensitive!”

And his response will tell you a lot about what to do next in this relationship.  If it’s the first, then he’s ready for a very mature exchange, and I’d say this guy is a keeper.  If it’s the second, then he’s a good guy, but I’d guess the issue might come up again in the future, as he tries to figure out how to balance his needs and yours.

And if it’s the third, he simply doesn’t respect your feelings.  And yes, I’d say to head for the dumpster!

The important thing here is to respect your own needs.  Listen to him, sure, but you deserve to have a relationship where you feel safe, loved, and honored.

Like mine with Handsome.  Well, safe and loved anyway.  It’s hard to feel honored when someone jumps onto you while you’re sleeping, covering you in kisses and calling you “Knucklehead!”

All my best,

Shirelle