0 How to convince a parent to let you start dating

Sweetchocolatechip asks: I’m 15 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I used to think this was cool — you know, saving myself for the ‘right one’ — but now when everyone asks this mean question, “Do you have a boyfriend?!” and I say no, I feel like they believe I’m undesirable. All my life, whenever a guy has asked me to be his girlfriend, I’ve always said “thanks but no thanks.” But now I’ve met someone who has loved/liked me since primary school, and I think I’m ready to say yes! The only problem is that my aunt [whom I live with] is afraid of me having a boyfriend, and so is my mom. I’m recently baptized, so I don’t want to lie to anyone, but I feel its time now for me to have a boyfriend. What should I do?

Hi Sweetchocolatechip –

Thanks for your question about a first boyfriend.

I would first recommend you check out my earlier post about when it’s right to start dating.  But you have a very tough situation besides that.  I think it’s totally great that you’ve waited till you knew what you wanted, and it’s absolutely splendid (and sooooo romantic!) that this boy has wanted you for years, and you think you’d like to go out with him!  But now you have to deal with your aunt and your mom.

This is such a tough problem.  I know they mean well.  But you and I both know what they’re really frightened of – and that is the key to the Continue reading

0 Does a crush on a teacher of the same sex mean you’re homosexual?

Mandy asks: My problem is about me being in love with my science teacher. You see, she is wonderful and a great and amazing Hindi person; the thing is she is a married woman with twins. And it’s not the usual thing for a 15-year-old girl like me to be actually in love with a woman teacher! Am I a lesbian? I don’t think I am, because I still have interest in men. I am really bonded to her, I praise her, and yet the subject she teaches me is not my favorite (well I’m not good in it!). Shirelle, should I listen to my head which says to impress the woman (if you can’t be physically in love then just be mentally in love with her, but only in your mind so she won’t be disturbed by you), or should I listen to my heart, which says impress her in science so she’ll be fond of you, and get close once you’ve known that it’s ok. Or is it never okay? Have I gone nuts Shirelle?

Hi Mandy –

Of course, I have no way of knowing whether you’ll spend your life being attracted to women, men, or both.  But I can say that it’s very possible that you will mostly be attracted to men, and that this is a very innocent crush, something that will pass by after a year or so.  And if so, it’s actually very normal.  Much more so than you’d think.

As everyone knows, the teenage years are a time when humans’ hormones just go wild, and while most people tend to end up in a fairly centered place, the process of getting there is just loaded with blemishes, smells, aches, and – yes – attractions just going Continue reading

0 How to grieve a love that never got to start

Guadalupe asks: I like this boy and he is 16 and I´m 14. He said he would try having a relationship, but he didn’t want to hurt me, because he is leaving the school – but he hasn´t told me if he likes me. What should I do?

Hi Guadalupe –

If I understand what you’re saying rightly, this boy’s saying he’d like to have a relationship, but he’s afraid to have one with you because he’s leaving your school.  It sounds to me like he does like you, but is saying that there’s nothing he wants to do about it, because he’s going away.

If I’m reading it correctly, the situation is pretty simple, and somewhat sad.  I’m an expert in getting left – Handsome leaves me at home every day and I’m always devastated.

And just like me back at the house, there’s nothing for you to Continue reading

0 How to handle excess worry, even if it’s about real things

everyday96 asks: I feel like nothing I do makes sense. I can’t remember the last time I actually smiled or laughed from my heart. You see, my parents are both a little overaged (56 and 57 years old), but more importantly they both have diseases from which they can drop dead at any moment. I try to help out best I can, but I’m just a kid, and even if I do help, I always feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m not only worried about them, but now I’m also worried about myself. I haven’t been able to sleep lately because I’m afraid that if I do I might wake up an orphan. Sometimes I think they would have been better off if I wasn’t born at all. They do everything for me, but I don’t know if I can give it back. Please help me – I don’t know what I have to do to make them feel better. If I can see them smile again I’d be the happiest boy in the world.

Hi everyday96 –

There’s a word for what you’re suffering, and it’s called Anxiety.  Anxiety is what you have when you worry all the time, and worry too much.  Now note, no one is saying that you’re worrying about ridiculous things (like, say, worrying that bears will turn into bunnyrabbits).  But it is when you worry so much about even sensible things that the worry becomes a bigger problem than the problems you’re worrying about!

Now I don’t know what diseases your parents have, but I can say that 56 and 57 aren’t all that Continue reading

0 How to deal with someone you used to have a crush on

prettyndsweet12 asks: Last school year I had a crush on this boy and I was soooo scared to talk to him that every time he tried to talk to me I would get freaked out and walk away! Now I think he hates me for that. He is now going out with my friend, and I still like him, and I want a chance to make things right between him and me, but I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t want my friend to think I’m trying to steal her boyfriend!

Hi prettyndsweet12 –

Ah young love!  How people love to romanticize it – all forgetting how stressful and upsetting it is for those still in it!!!

Now it seems to me that everything going on here is about assumptions and interpretations.  What did this guy think when you freaked out and walked away, how does he feel about you now, and how does your friend see your actions?  SOOOO confusing!

It’s one area where it’s so much easier to be a Continue reading

0 Should parents search their children’s phone?

Mika asks: Should parents search their children’s phone?

Hi Mika –

This is a really tough question.  Of course parents should do anything and everything they can to keep their children safe.  And if they’re truly worried about something happening on their kid’s cell phone (for example, creepy adults contacting their kids, or something about drugs), they absolutely have every right and responsibility to check.

But then I hear other cases, like a letter from abcdefg I got a while back, a parent who had been looking on her teenage daughter’s cell phone and wanted to know what to do about the relationship she’d discovered.  You can find it here on this site if you like.

The real point here is that cell phones are like many other things in our world – public items that involve privacy.  Humans can keep people from reading their Facebook page, they can put blocks on their kids’ emails, etc.  It’s all very Continue reading

0 How to set goals

Darlene asks: what advice can I give friends about setting goals?

Hi Darlene –

Well, I’m going to sound a bit hypocritical here, since I give advice on this website every day, but really, friends often don’t want to get advice from their friends.  I’m a huge fan of setting goals, and clearly I’ve set a lot (making this website, catching squirrels, and other less-important issues), but I did those because I wanted to — not because Buddy or Scruffy from across the street told me I should.

In fact, I find that the best way to get your friends to “up their game” in the way you want is to show them, instead of telling them.  So if you have a goal that you want to achieve, talk more about it.  And let them in on your process.

For example, let’s say that you make a New Year’s Resolution that you’re going to plant two hundred Continue reading

0 Why do young people idolize entertainers

Donna asks: Why do young people idolize entertainers?

Hi Donna –

That’s a great question!  We’re so used to young people, especially teenagers, idolizing entertainers that we usually don’t ever think to ask Why!  Of course, in order to give a decent answer, we should also point out that there are young people who don’t idolize entertainers per se, but most will idolize someone – athletes, teachers, or of course religious figures.

I believe it comes from a simple developmental need.  When humans are children, they naturally idolize their parents or caregivers.  They spend most of their waking hours trying to be like them – that’s how people learn to walk, to speak, even how to think the way they do.  But then there has to come a time when they start looking outward for role models (this usually starts around age 7 or 8), and eventually they become teenagers, who care about what their peers think of them, at least as much as about what their Continue reading

0 How to talk freely with your parents

Priya asks: I’m not able to talk to my parents freely. What should I do?

Hi Priya –

Thanks for your question about not being able to talk to your parents freely.

The tough question here is whether it’s because they are impossible to communicate with, or because you’re unwilling or scared to try.  Either – or both – is possible.

I’m going to guess that it’s a bit of both, which is what I usually see in families.  If that’s the case, you need to do two things.  First, you need to do whatever you can to help them improve communication with you.  That probably means that they need to develop a trust that you can have a mature conversation with them, about a difficult subject.  And the only way you can prove that is to do it:  Go to them with a subject that is slightly difficult, and sit down and talk openly about it.  Let’s say, for example, that you have no interest in Continue reading

0 Why are young people into negative things?

lynch asks: Why are young people so hooked on the negative things?

Hi Lynch –

I don’t fully agree with you – I see young people hooked on positive things all the time – but I know what you’re talking about.  In particular, I imagine that, when you say “young people,” you’re referring to teenagers and people in their early 20’s.

There is a definite thing about that age that draws humans to a certain negativity.  They’ll often speak with a cynicism, listen to harsh music that says unpleasant things, and show great scorn for their parents and other authority figures.  And that’s the “good” kids – while others are smoking cigarettes, drinking, or doing illegal drugs, joining Continue reading