1 What to do when you upset your mother

saf1 asks: hey Shirelle, I have a huge problem – I always make my mum cry, and it hurts me inside; I think I am gonna kill myself! What can I do to resolve all my problems with my parents?

Hi saf1 –

Of course, there’s not much I can say to help, since I don’t know what’s actually happening between you and your mother.  There are lots of ways to make a mother cry.  I did it by still trying to nurse after my teeth had grown in!

What worries me, of course, is how much this is bothering you.  It sounds like you’re bothering your mother without ever wanting to.  That might be her issue more than yours.  Do you know why she’s crying?  Do you know what it is that’s affecting her this way?  Because if you don’t, then you’re in a really difficult Continue reading

0 How to be a long-distance uncle

Eddy asks: I want to talk to my nephews far away in Australia, but when I call them I don’t know what to say to them. They look so distant and I feel the impact so strongly. It’s as if something is wrong.

Hi Eddy –

Oh there’s nothing quite like being an uncle or aunt, is there!  You’re so fond of those kids, but you’re not their parent, so it’s hard to create exactly the relationship you want with them.  Especially if they’re very far away, like on another continent!  I don’t know how old your nephews are, but there’s a really good chance that you’re right – they are growing in their own world, their own lives, and you’re not a part of it.

Because of this, you have two jobs.  The first one is to find a way to visit them!  And when you get there, to have a total Continue reading

0 What to do when the boy you love insists on kissing

Ritika asks: I am a 16 year old. There was this guy who I fell in love with. We dated for 4 1/2 months and then broke up because I did not want to kiss him. Then he asked my best friend out and she said no. Then after 3 months I started hanging out with another guy, and my ex got jealous and he asked me out. I said no. Now its been a month; he has found another girlfriend and is happy. But the truth is I have always loved him and still do. I get jealous of his girlfriend and cry a lot for him. My best friend doesn’t know that I still love him. It’s been one and a half years since I fell in love with him, and moving on is very hard for me. I just cannot let any other guy take his place, and now even if I have to kiss him to get him back I don’t mind. What should I do?

Wow Ritika!  You’ve lived a lifetime in the last couple of years, haven’t you!

I do have a thought for you, though.  I think the real issue here is that you might find that you actually like kissing!  It sounds to me like this boy is still interested in you, and his current relationship might not last that long.  If I’m right, then my advice is that you jump right in there when he’s available, and ask him out (don’t wait for him to ask you out; he probably won’t realize that you’re Continue reading

0 Who should know about teen pregnancy?

Bambam asks: who will benefit from talking about teen pregnacy and why??

Hi Bambam –

Thanks for your question about talking about teen pregnancy.

But I have to admit, it’s a pretty funny question in a way.  I mean, it’s not really going to do grandparents or monks a lot of good to talk about it, is it?  But there are three groups of people who should be talking about it – a lot!

The first is, of course, teenagers.  Teens need to be aware of the choices they have, the science of biology and anatomy, the laws about sex and parenthood, and most importantly, they need to know the truth about all these things, and not just some silly stuff someone made up for popularity or political Continue reading

0 What’s the best psychotherapy for 3-to-5-year-olds?

Abbass asks: What type of child psychology is between the years 3 to 5?

Hi Abbass –

If I understand your question right, you’re asking about what sorts of psychotherapy are administered to children between the ages of 3 and 5.  And the answer is pretty simple:  Play.

We all see that cliché image of psychotherapy, where the patient lies on a couch and tells the doctor about their past, especially their memories of their childhood.  Well kids can’t do that!  They don’t have much of a past, and that childhood is going on right now, not in some Continue reading

0 Why do boys get angry when their girlfriends tell them no?

Sharuz asks: Why does my woodby get angry with me when I tell him no, or I can’t, when he asks me something romantically?

Hi Sharuz –

I don’t know the word “woodby.”  I’m guessing it’s something like a boyfriend, but if I’m wrong, I want you to understand why!

It’s not uncommon for guys to get angry when their girlfriends refuse to do something romantic with them.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  One, which is what they’ll usually argue, is that they’re feeling so much desire at that moment, so it really frustrates them when it’s refused – kind of like when people tease me with a piece of Continue reading

0 What is the soul, and what happens to it after this life?

Desennium asks: Do you think that the “soul” belongs to a person? Also, what is the rainbow bridge?

Hi Desennium –

Thanks for your question about the soul, and the rainbow bridge.  Of course, they’re very closely related subjects.

The Soul is something very difficult to define.  I looked up the word, and the Merriam-Webster dictionary gave me a number of definitions.  I’ll comment on each of the ones I use.

– the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life

This is probably what you meant in your question.  And of course, one’s answer really depends on one’s beliefs – whether religious or spiritual or not.  As my readers know, I don’t work from any specific religion (I am a Continue reading

1 Why does life become more difficult with age?

duaa asks: Why does life become more difficult with age, or with the passage of time?

Hi duaa –

Thanks for your question about life becoming more difficult over time.

I’m not sure, though, whether I really agree with it.   Sure, some things definitely get more difficult (When I was younger I could jump all day, hoping to catch birds in our tree; today, that gets pretty tiring!).  But overall, I think we just forget how hard it is to be a kid!

Lots of experts in development say that the hardest thing humans ever learn to do is to walk.  That walking involves so many muscles, and such an incredible amount of learning about balance and motion, that nothing else really comes close.  As an older kid, or a teen, or an adult, you might get incredibly frustrated that it takes, for example, twenty or thirty tries to get some concept in math learned, or parallel parking, or manage to sell your quota for the month.  But compared to what that baby does, thirty tries is nothing!  That baby had to try and fail hundreds, maybe even thousands of times before managing to walk from their bedroom into their mother’s (hopefully) proud and adoring Continue reading

0 How to develop an internal self-government

braayaan asks: How can I develop an internal self-government?

Hi braayaan –

This is a gigantic question, one that whole books work to answer.  But I think the easy and honest response I can give you is that you’re already developing one.  Everyone does.  The question is, rather, how can you develop a good internal self-government; how can you do it well?!

See, when we puppies are born, we start right in to developing it.  And we do it by pursuing everything we want (milk and warmth from our mothers, play by biting and tumbling with our siblings, and excitement by walking around checking out the world around us).  And bit by bit, our experience teaches us some things.  Our mothers teach us what sort of behavior results in nurturing and what doesn’t; our siblings teach us when we’re playing too hard (they scream out, or bite back!); and the world teaches us all sorts of things, like that some people squeeze us too tight, and that birds don’t like us trying to eat them!

And bit by bit, we use what we’ve learned to start making our own decisions.  We stop needing to be nipped or bitten or yelled at – we manage ourselves in a way that will please those we want to please, and frighten off those we wish to be rid of.

Similarly, humans start developing that internal self-government from their birth (literally – you never breathed before that, and suddenly you start doing something you will literally do every few seconds for as long as you Continue reading

0 How can I stop my friend from cutting herself

Bielieber27 asks: Hello. I was over at my friend’s house the other day, and I found out that she cuts herself. I’m really scared – I don’t know what to do. She told me it was addicting and she wishes she could stop. I want help her but I don’t know how to. What should I do? Please Help!

Hi Bielieber27 –

You are absolutely right, and so is she.  Cutting is terrifying, and very addictive.  You’re a great friend for reaching out like this.  I hope your doing this encourages others to do the same.

For those who don’t know what we’re talking about here, some people – most often teenagers – find that they get a pleasurable sensation from cutting their skin.  Usually it happens because they are depressed and feel numb in their lives, so there’s a good feeling from the pain of the cuts.  If you think of how good it feels to scratch an itch – where you’re actually causing yourself more pain in a sense, but it gives you pleasure – that’s what this is like, magnified.

Of course, the difference between this and scratching an itch is that cutting is extremely dangerous.  Even potentially Continue reading