8 My Friend Mutt – the need to use your full mind

My dear friends, I usually write you from a place of tail-wagging joy.  Though sometimes I have written you from sadness, or from anger.  But today I’m maybe the saddest and angriest I’ve ever been.

One of my very best friends ever passed away a couple of weeks ago.  I hate loss, and, like all pups, get very attached to those I love, so a friend’s death is always going to hurt my heart.  But what makes me so angry is that this loss was completely unnecessary – my friend should have lived for many more years.  In fact, I’d argue my friend was murdered.  But not by one individual – he was murdered by an energy, a concept.  My friend was murdered by Stupid.

I’ll explain that in a moment, but first let me tell you about my friend.

Mutt was a friendly cheerful guy who always had a song in his head and an awful joke to tell.  His real name wasn’t Mutt, but that’s what his granddaughter called him when she was a baby, and of course I loved the name, since it made us sound related!  He was strong, energetic (played tennis three times a week), and a great friend to all who knew him, while a devoted caretaker to friends and family. 

A few years ago, he and his wife moved into an apartment which, for the past ten months, has done better than anywhere I know of at keeping their residents safe from the coronavirus.  The people who ran it enforced very strict rules, not letting any visitors in, testing the people who worked there, and quarantining anyone who went out for any reason.  With this, they managed to go nine months without any resident becoming infected with Covid-19.  But then one person, somehow, caught it.  And then, a week or so later, Mutt caught it too. 

When asked how, he said, in a cheerful tone, “Oh, probably just by walking down the hall.”  At first he just had a slight cough.  Then he had a couple of falls – strange because he normally wasn’t clumsy.  After a bad one, he was sent to be checked out at a hospital, in case he’d broken anything.  No, his bones were fine, but because they tested everyone who came in, they tested him and he found out he had it.  A week later, he was in a hospital room on oxygen.  Days later, he was in an Intensive Care Unit on lots more oxygen.  And a couple of weeks after that, his lungs gave out and he went to be welcomed above by his parents, his sister, other family and friends, and I can’t imagine how many dogs.

Don’t get me wrong – Mutt had a terrific life.  He enjoyed great health, was successful enough in his work to devote many years to volunteering for causes he cared about, and relished the love of many.  His lifelong passions for nature and music fed his soul every day, and he even left this world listening to a favorite opera.

So why am I so angry?

Because of Stupid.

If Mutt had developed a cancer, or suffered a heart attack, I’d just be writing about here about what he showed us about a beautiful meaningful existence.  And if he’d caught this awful virus when it first took over the planet, I’d have wailed about the tragedy of illness.

But something else happened.

By last May, scientists all around the world knew what we needed to slow this viral spread.  And told us so, in very clear terms.  They knew we would eventually develop vaccines to free humanity from its clutches.  But that, until then, all people everywhere needed to do just a few things to keep its spread down.  You’ve heard these rules all year:  to wash your hands frequently, to wear a mask and stay distanced from others when you’re out of your home, and to avoid crowds.  And especially to remember that this disease can be contagious even when one has no symptoms of it – that anyone, no matter how good you’re feeling at that moment – can be a carrier and transmitter of it… and thereby potentially a killer of someone else.

Of someone innocent.  Of someone maybe strong and healthy.  Of someone perhaps with no dangerous pre-existing condition.  But of someone you’ll have to live the rest of your days knowing you killed.

And far too many people chose to be Stupid.  To ignore those rules.  To take the chance.  And why?  Well, apparently, because they think wearing a mask is just too much work.

Now you know those cones that veterinarians put on us pups after we’ve gotten stitches?  They’re annoying.  Even more so for me because I have such a long nose so I have to wear a really big one.  I totally hate them.  But Handsome has always made sure I have one when I need it, no matter how much it annoys me.

So if I could put up with that, why is it such a big deal for a human to strap a small piece of fabric over their face, especially when they can choose to wear one that has a pretty or fun pattern on it (Handsome loves wearing ones with monsters on them, for example!)?  And if I can put up with staying on a leash when I’m outside our home, why is it so difficult for some humans to keep a safe distance from others?

The answer is it’s not.  Anyone can easily wear a mask and stay distanced (and those who say masks hinder their breathing just need to talk with anyone who saw Mutt in his last days about what real breathing trouble looks like.  Or, if you truly have a serious respiratory issue, then you should be even more cautious of this virus, and find ways to stay completely away from others all the time till it’s gone!). 

But that’s just about being lazy and selfish.  It doesn’t account for Stupid.

All year, all over the world, we’ve heard stories of people arguing that they knew better than the scientists.  Who say that masks impinge their right to personal freedom. Who even go around yelling at those who follow the rules, screaming that they’re wrong to wear masks and keep distanced.  Even some rotten politicians have scorned the safety measures, inspiring their peoples to Stupidity. 

Now I realize that some countries have enforced strict rules on safety, which have largely kept the virus out.  They have shown the truth – that when people obeyed the simple rules the scientists recommended, the virus reduced to a degree that all were safe.  Which is great, but my point is about people who’ve had the freedom to choose what to do – and have chosen Stupid.

You see, if people had chosen safety over Stupid even when their governments didn’t force them to, the same excellent results could have been true everywhere. 

But no.  These Stupid people have spread the virus all year.  These Stupid people have filled hospitals with struggling, gasping, and dying patients.  These Stupid people have kept schools from being able to take children back in, restaurants from being able to provide food and service, churches and mosques and synagogues from being able to give their parishioners the warmth and comfort of group worship, and entertainers the ability to stir audiences to joy.

And, by keeping the virus so prevalent, these Stupid people killed my friend Mutt.

But in the midst of my grief and anger about him, I then think of how far the power of Stupid stretches.

Look at our international squabbles.  How many are because of Stupid?  The Koran, Torah, Bhagavad-Gita, and Bible all tell us to love and take care of each other, but Stupid tells people that their loving God wants them to randomly kill and oppress those who worship differently. 

Humans have all the knowledge they need to slow down climate change, to keep our air and water clean, and to preserve what’s unruined of our planet, and even bring back some things we’ve lost.  But Stupid (led by Greed) keeps telling the world that the scientists are wrong about all this, and to keep the greatest mass suicide in history continuing.

I could go on and on.  And remember, I’m not the one with the great brain!  I can’t do math or write a song.  I’m just sitting around looking at you guys, wishing you’d USE those brains of yours in the best way you can. 

But I’m not getting what I wish for.  In fact, the day before Mutt passed away, I saw the most astonishing demonstration of Stupid I’ve ever seen.  Maybe that anyone’s ever seen.

A politician who’s known to lie a lot lied that he had won an election.  The votes were counted and recounted many times.  Courts had looked at all his arguments, and dismissed them.  Members of his own political party confirmed that, yes, there was no way around it; his opponent had won clearly.  But he kept insisting to his supporters that he’d been the victor, they’d been cheated, and they needed to fight to keep him in his job.

And on that fated day, a number of them did.  They violently broke in to the halls of their own government, threatening and attacking their representatives, resulting in five deaths.  And here’s where I’m really in awe – these people were so Stupid, they did this in front of television cameras, and even took photos of themselves and posted them online.  They broke the most fundamental laws of their country, and went to great efforts to make sure everyone knew about it.

In so doing, they destroyed their own lives.  They’re being arrested and jailed, and will suffer legal punishments.  And that man they did this for?  He’s of course denied that he had anything to do with them – liars lie after all – sacrificing them to save what he can of his own skin.

These Stupid people followed Stupid arguments to the point of doing Stupid things – and countless numbers, including themselves, will suffer because of it. 

I could run down a list of Stupid things I’d like you not to do, but I shouldn’t have to.  Because that’s the whole point: you’re smart and know better.

You see, that’s what I mean by Stupid.  I’m not asking you to suddenly create world peace, just to use your own knowledge to avoid doing Stupid things that inflame needless conflict.  I’m not asking you to invent the way to save the planet, just to do what you already know will help it.  And I’m not asking you to cure the next pandemic disease.  Just to follow what knowledgeable people have told you is the best way to handle this current one.

I’m just asking you to use the brains you have.

Because the world needs you to. 

In Handsome’s book about what I taught him, he lists one of my major lessons as “Ignorance Is Not A Virtue.”  But if you wish to sit at home and be ignorant and not do anything about it, I suppose that won’t hurt anyone.  The danger is when a person chooses ignorance, and then acts on it.

Someone somewhere chose to behave in a way that, directly or indirectly, gave Mutt the disease that killed him.  Did they do that by going maskless, not washing, partying in crowds?  I don’t know.  I just know they did it by being Stupid.  By honoring Stupid.  By choosing to let Stupid run their lives.

Don’t be that way.  Don’t be Stupid.  Use your full brain.  Be your full self.  And if you catch yourself being momentarily Stupid (hey everyone does at times) then just change to acting Smarter.

You just get this one life in this body, with this brain.  Not using it is worse than a mistake.  It’s really kind of a sin when you think of it.

And I’m tired of being sad and angry.  So even if it’s just for me – please – embrace your Smart, and tell Stupid to go straight to…  to where I know my dear Mutt will never be sent!

What to do when you’re irrationally afraid of your partner’s ex

Awerpia asks:

I’m so confused Shirelle. I can’t seem to get my girlfriend’s ex out of my mind. The thought of him seems to haunt me and I wish I never knew of his existence. I know we have spoken at length about this issue but I don’t know how to get over it. I really regret ever laying eyes on him and I regret the day my girlfriend brought him to see me just because we attend the same church. I can’t seem to imagine my future with the woman I love without him popping up in my mind. I really feel anxious. I feel like one day he will return to the country to lay claims on her again. The worst part is any time I see violence I just feel like this guy is going to shoot me dead one day over the lady. I know it sounds funny but that’s how I truly feel.  And I can’t also imagine my life without my girlfriend. I love her so so much!  The guy still has old pictures of both of them together on social media and I really feel like even after all these years he still hasn’t gotten over her. Because there’s no new girl on his social media walls either. The worst part is that he had a good relationship with the girl’s family, especially her teenage brother. I feel like I don’t have a future with the woman I love without interference from this guy. And unfortunately I attend the same church with him, though we are in different congregations and he’s way out of the country. He lived in the same neighbourhood with my girlfriend before leaving. And because of his friendship with the girl’s family, even after breakup he would intentionally visit the girl using her little brother as an excuse. I really feel I can’t get him out of our lives. I don’t know if I can ever forgive my girlfriend for introducing him to me. I wish I could just wipe him out of my memory and especially hers too. And that he wouldn’t lay eyes on my girlfriend again. Help me out Shirelle!

Hi Awerpia –

So I think we’ve talked about all the reality-based answers I can come up with about this problem.  And I think we need to move on from those.

Don’t worry – I’m not calling you crazy.  But I am saying that this one tiny part of your brain is kind of crazy!  I mean, we know he’s not coming after you, and we know she prefers you, and even if her family adored him, we know they’re not rejecting you or asking her to do so.  So what’s the problem?


The problem is something deep in you.  A horrible fear.

You see, my friend, I’m guessing that these fears of yours have basically nothing to do with this guy.  And that if this wonderful girl had never had a boyfriend before you, you’d have something else bugging you this same way.  And I’m going to make a guess that this comes from a mixture of two things – a hesitance to commit fully to her, and your own fears of not being enough.

But, you argue to me, she’s great!  Why would you hesitate to commit to someone perfect?  Lots of reasons – because commitment of all kinds is scary, because everyone has faults and over time you’ll find more and more in her, because some part of you is trying to protect you from the devastation you’d experience if she left you.  All of these make sense. 

And why feel you’re not enough?  Because deep down, everyone fears that.  Just as you’re bound to find things about her that aren’t great, you know she’s going to find less-than-ideal qualities in you.  And (you probably believe) once she does, she’s bound to prefer her ex, who of course was better than you in so many ways!  Right?  (Even if it’s clear she wildly prefers you!)

So if I’m right, what can you do? 

Just one thing:  Relax, and accept that this is exactly where you are today.

Look at the rest of your life.  Is anything perfect?  Is anyone completely trustworthy, including you?  Isn’t there something to doubt or fear about everything?  But somehow you’ve walked through your day every day all these years.  You will continue to doubt, and to fear.  That just means you’re alive.

Just about every morning, Handsome gets dressed and leaves our home, locking me into the yard.  And every morning, I worry:  Will he forget about me?  Will he run off with another dog?  Will something happen to him and I’m locked in here forever?

So far, every time he’s left he’s come back.  Which eliminates those urgent fears.  But then they come back the next time he leaves.

And that’s part of my life.  It’s part of the drag of being a dog, and it’s part of the beauty of being domesticated and being head over heels in love with my human.

And that’s you.  Your fears, your doubts, are all signs of how much you love this woman.  So accept them.  How empty, and how boring, your life would be without them.

(And how great it would be for her ex’s ego to know how much you think about him!)

All my best,

Shirelle

Why hasn’t the guy who flirted with me gotten back to me since?

Soumyaguna asks:

I’m working as an HR. And 2 days back I was asked to call a guy, Y, to offer him a designation. We clicked in the first go like magic. I don’t know how this happened, but we became comfortable around each other on the call, and talked for hours, all into the night. I was wondering how could  be so free around someone whom I met today! But the next day he didn’t text. And now he’s all on my mind all the time, even now – I can’t get rid of this. And I texted him yesterday, as I’d enjoyed laughing with him so much.  I sense he isn’t that interested. But when we spoke the first day he was so excited… He constantly praised me for every little thing.. He even told me he wanted to meet. But now he isn’t even interested to chat.  I’m very confused wondering what happened to me. Why can’t I just ignore him? Sometimes I feel love isn’t made for me. Maybe I’m too emotional and loyal when it comes to this. I stick to one person, but nowadays the trend goes for more. So, I definitely feel lonely, but I’m trying to make myself understand that maybe there is no one for me.

Hi Soumyaguna

I’m going to assume that you haven’t heard anything more from this guy since you wrote me, and that you haven’t reached out to him either.  If I’m wrong, that’s okay, just let me know.

But if I’m right… Good for you!

You and he had a magical moment.  That’s great.  And he’s a flirt, no question (That’s not judgmental – I’m a huge flirt myself!).  And he talked as though he was going to get right back to you, and then didn’t.

So one of two things is true.  Either he just is a guy who loves to flirt and win women over, and doesn’t mean anything by it, and has done the same thing with ten other women since your conversation.  Or he really meant what he said, and then has gotten too nervous to call you back.

And in either case, my advice is to write or call him.  But it’s just great that it’s been this long.  It makes you look cooler, harder to get.  If you’d called him the next day, that wouldn’t have necessarily been a bad thing, but it would have given him all the power in the relationship. This way you’re actually taking charge by being the assertive one, “Hey, you popped into my mind this morning, and I remembered what a fun talk we had.  Let’s talk again.  Call me.”   Or if that’s too forward for you, “Hey I was just thinking how fun it was talking with you.  Want to talk again sometime?” 

You see, now that it’s been so long, you won’t come off as anything but cool and desirable!  And if he really was interested in you, he’s going to FLIP when he gets that call/text!

But now about the rest of what you wrote me.  If he is just a random flirt, that doesn’t say anything bad about you – he probably doesn’t flirt with people who don’t seem attractive to him.  And if he’s interested but nervous, that means you were totally exciting for him.  Neither one of those tells me that you’re not wantable or that love isn’t for you.

Believe me, if you want to feel that love isn’t for you, just try being a dog in a pound, where people walk past you every day not even noticing you because they want another breed, and you know that if you’re not chosen within five days you’ll be put to death!  That was my life, and while I’ve never believed I wasn’t wantable I was sure scared that I wasn’t wantable enough

But I was.  And ever since Handsome took me out of there, I’ve known that he wanted me more than anything in the world.

You’re not in the danger I was, but you’re in a bit of a pound.  And just like everyone else in this crazy year, you’re having way more trouble meeting people than you would have if things were normal. 

So I don’t know if this guy is ‘the real deal’ or not.  But love is for everyone.  Everyone is capable of it, and everyone deserves it.  So I know you are and do.

So give this guy another chance.  And if he doesn’t work out, just know that at the very least you’re fun to flirt with!  And that there will be more who will want to.

And if he does work out… well then you have only one important job to do:  LET ME KNOW!!  I’ll be so excited I’ll chase my tail for an hour!!

Best of luck,

Shirelle

Is it all right to still love an ex when you’ve moved on?

Lady Esther asks: I just got out of a relationship filled with intimacy because I felt I found someone who’ll make me happier. Two weeks after the break up, I started dating this new person and got intimate with him. But I feel I’m still in love with the old person. I don’t want to leave the new guy because he’s good and we also have a lot in common which is perfect for the future.
What am I to do now?

Hi Lady Esther –

So you sound a lot like me.  Or rather, like most of us pups.  You are able to love more than one person at the same time, and you feel love and appreciation for those who are good to you.

I don’t really know what’s wrong with that!

The problem you’re stuck with is that you can’t “have” both these people at the same time.  You are monogamous – or at least you believe that these people you like are! – and so you can’t just take them both as your intimate significant others.  

So here’s my question to you:  Can you live with your feelings, and just accept them?  Can you stay with this new person, who’s so great for you, and still be in love with your former mate… and just be okay with that?

This may sound a little morbid, but imagine what it would be like if your previous “main squeeze” had suddenly died for some reason. And then you connected with this person who actually treats you better; you’d likely stay in love with your late lover forever, right?  Of course the loss would be very sad, but other than that, you’d be okay, wouldn’t you?

I respect that you’re obeying the rules in your relationship, and not running back secretly to act on your love with your ex.  But just being in love with them, while moving forward in your life…  that just sounds intelligent to me.  

I love living with Handsome, and would never want to be anywhere else.  But I am madly in love with my boyfriend Kuma, who I only get to see occasionally on play dates.  And I’m also in love with a number of my human friends.  And I don’t want to change my heart at all – I love being in love with them all.  I also love being in love with mountains, with oceans, with squirrel-chasing, with pizza, with… oh it just goes on and on.

There’s nothing wrong with you, Lady Esther.  You just need to accept your heart, and let it be as big as it is.  And you’ll be fine.

Cheers,

Shirelle


Why would my boyfriend push me away when his life is difficult?

JuicyBest asks: My boyfriend has been having issues recently with his career, and his family angered him real bad.  I called to calm him down, but he answered me in a way I didn’t like.  I messaged him and said I pray he looks back one day and realizes he has a girlfriend that cares, but he replied that he’s not afraid of losing me.  Please, what does he mean by that?!

Hi JuicyBest –

I’m really sorry you have to go through this.  And I’m just as sorry for what he’s going through.  I don’t mean his career and family issues – I’m talking about something else.

Your boyfriend’s sounding to me like he’s going through a real depression.  Feeling low, angry, and out of touch with his own feelings about anything.  Everyone goes through these at times, but I’m seeing this everywhere lately, due to the pandemic lockdowns going on so much longer than anyone imagined.

When a person’s depressed, they’ll have other signs of it (not sleeping, or sleeping too much; sitting around not doing anything; etc.), but having job problems, and getting angry more easily than usual (even if it’s for perfectly valid reasons), are two of them. 

And one funny thing about depression is that it kind of likes to hold on to a person.  It whispers into their ear “I’m correct, so don’t let anyone talk you out of listening to me!”  And so, when you tried to calm him down, to make him feel better, Depression told him to push you away!  And then, when you reminded him that you care, Depression yelled louder “YOU DON’T NEED HER!  YOU JUST NEED ME!  TELL HER TO GO SNIFF A FIRE HYDRANT!!!” 

The really weird part of all this is that the reason he needed to push you away like that is because you matter to him.  If you didn’t, Depression might have suggested “Oh just be polite so she stops talking about this.” 

(Now I need to add, though you haven’t given me any reason to think this is the case, that addictions will do the same thing as Depression, just what I’ve been describing.  And if, say, he’s been drinking too much, it could be Alcohol whispering those same things into his ear.  In fact, addictive substances are often a way one tries to deal with Depression.  But in the long term using them for that always just make things worse.)

So the giant question here is what you should do.  And I don’t really have a good answer – it’s up to you.  Maybe you want to keep trying – to simply insist to him that he has a wonderful girlfriend who’s there for him and wants to help.  Maybe you want to step back but still be there for him when he’s ready to want you again.  And maybe you need to let him go, feeling that you deserve better than someone who doesn’t appreciate you.  Any of those might be the right thing to do, and that’s fully your decision.

The one thing I want you not to do, though, is to believe that you’re not lovable or wantable.  He’s going through a very bad phase, and that’s what’s making him push you away.  And nothing else.

Best of luck, whatever you choose!

Shirelle

4 Do Dogs Celebrate Holidays? – the importance of happiness

Every year around this time, I get asked if I celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Eid, or Diwali, or… and I always have the same answer:  I. Am. A. Dog.  I love watching you guys get excited about holidays, and I love any special food that celebrations might bring my way.  But I don’t have a religion, or a cultural heritage, that focuses me on any particular days.  That’s for you folks, and I support your choice to do or not do them fully.  Whatever makes you happy.

But this makes me think of something I heard someone say recently.  She was talking about how she tended to feel depressed a lot, and added, “I think I’m afraid to be happy.”  I thought that was a really profound and vulnerable thing to say, so I jumped up and licked her face till she turned red from giggling.  Which I guess made her at least a little happy, I hope.

But that line has stayed in my head ever since.  What a sad concept. And I wonder how common it is.

It’s totally normal for people to learn to protect themselves emotionally.  “Don’t get your hopes up” is a term I hear frequently.  And I can understand – if you let yourself get too optimistic about something that might not come true, the disappointment if it fails can hurt like blazes.

 But is that a reason to not let yourself get happy?

 Some people have a sort of supernatural belief, that says that if they’re too happy, some god or demon will get offended and make bad things happen to them.  I guess if you believe that, then, sure, happiness would be scary.

But do you?

And some people think it’s insulting to let yourself be happy when so many others in the world are suffering.

But do those suffering people really care about how you’re feeling right now?  Don’t they have other things to worry about?

Life isn’t perfect, and nobody’s happy all the time.  But when things are really good, I actually think it’s a sign of ingratitude, maybe even a sort of blasphemy, to not let yourself feel them all the way.  In fact, while I’m not in favor of repressing any emotion, wouldn’t it make more sense to hold yourself back from feeling sadness or anger or jealousy, instead of happiness, since those are a bit less convenient to the others around you?

But this leads to my real point:  Yes, I think you should let yourself be fully happy when things are great.  But why not also let yourself be mostly happy when things just aren’t bad?

 I was in the back seat of our car once, when Handsome stopped to talk with a parking lot attendant, who asked why he was so cheerful.  Handsome explained that that was because he was happy to see him.” 

“But you’re always so cheerful.  Every time I see you.”

“I am?”

“Yeah, you always seem happy.  How do you do that?  Life stinks!  It’s so stressful!”

And Handsome and I talked about that for the whole drive home.  That guy hit the nail on the head!  It’s not that life is always bad – it’s just always stressful.  And stress is just worrying about what might happen. 

So if you let yourself be happy when nothing bad is happening, then you’re likely to be happy about 99% of the time.  And yes, that 1% will still be bad.  Maybe horribly bad – wars and wildfires and floods and… yeah, pandemics! 

But the rest of the time, if nothing bad is happening, look out your window.  Birds are flying.  Trees are waving in the breeze.  Children are playing.  Dogs are joyously chasing animals with no hope of catching them.  A radio is playing fun music.  A couple is walking close together and one of them is nervously taking the other’s hand.  An airplane is flying passengers to somewhere they’ve never been, that they’ve wanted to see all their lives.  Worms are eating their way through the soil.  The sun is shining, even if you can’t see it.

And if you’re feeling low, so crummy that these lovely facts don’t help, then think about what’s funny out there.  A bird peed onto a lady’s hat.  A kid just told a joke that makes no sense to anyone.  A driver turned to look at someone sexy walking by and bumped into a tree.  And yes, a very serious gentleman is walking down a sidewalk, not seeing that a dog walked there before and took a stop to…

Or if even that doesn’t work, just think about someone you love.  Someone or something you’re just crazy about.  On my worst day, in all my misery, I can think about Handsome, and the fact that he exists, and I’m instantly a bit happier.  And I know that he does the same with me.  Lost his job?  Dumped by a girlfriend?  Stepped on a nail?  Yes, but Shirelle still exists, so there’s reason for joy!

But even that is more work than we dogs have to put in.  We don’t try at all.

And so you see, this is why dogs don’t have holidays.  Because we’re smarter than you in this one regard!  You need to have a day when you focus on family or gratitude or romance or remembrance.  But we celebrate every day.  Our smaller brains let us explode in awe at the sight of a sunrise, or the smell of morning dew, or the deep feel of the vibrations of the earth. 

And then we see you.  The people we love.  And we go even more crazed with joy.

So… scared to be happy?  I can’t even conceive of it – and that fact makes me even happier!

But for you guys, with your giant brains, I say: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, Beautiful Solstice, and all the others. 

And most especially, with great optimism for these exciting vaccines…  HAPPY NEW YEAR to all of you!  Oh I can’t wait to see what comes next!

Should one keep trying to get someone who’s married?

Laura asks:

I am in a relationship with a married man. He is very caring and we found a true love between us. He confirmed that he will divorce his wife and come to me and marry me. He in fact tried that several times, but his wife is not ready to divorce. Also his mother is not happy about him getting married to a new girl. I convinced him that that this is possible and nothing wrong, because he was not happy with his married life. Also we planned many things about our future. He takes care of me and he is very loving. But recently, he has gotten very influenced by his family and said he felt that this might not work. So he asked me to end this relationship and he is asking me to get married to another guy so that my future will be better and I don’t have to live a dark life. But I feel very heartbroken, because, all this while we were thinking of starting a life together to live happily, but now he is trying to get separated from me and it hurts. I agreed for separation, but still I am unable to leave him. I want him back. At the same time, I don’t want to pressure him to leave his family. I want him to consider me as a priority and start a happy life with me. Is there any possibility, and what would be your advice?

Hi Laura –

I am horribly sorry for you going through this.  I know it’s very difficult, as I’ve seen others struggle with similar situations.

I fully respect the institution of marriage (after all, I’m in a licensed relationship with someone myself!), but I do understand that sometimes marriages don’t work out, and people need to move on.  And I certainly understand how a good person could fall in love with a married person, or a married person could fall in love with someone other than their spouse.

But I don’t like affairs.  And here’s why – EXACTLY what you’re going through.  He may be fully sincere in his confusion and difficulty, but you’re the one who’s stuck alone most of the time.  When he’s having good times with his family, you’re home feeling crummy. 

My advice to people considering an affair is to wait until the married one leaves their spouse.  Even if they’re not legally divorced yet, they’ve shown they’re willing and able to take that step.

Your guy hasn’t done that.

And now he’s even telling you you should move on.  Because he doesn’t care about you?  No, I don’t think so.  I think it’s because you finding someone else would take away the guilt he’s experiencing because of dragging you into this.

And I don’t see any solution to this.  You say, very appropriately, that you want him to leave her because you’re his priority, not because you’ve manipulated him into it.  That’s great.  But he has shown you just what his priority is – staying with her, pleasing his family, being cautious.

That’s his right.

So your job is to do whatever it takes to move on from this.  If that means not speaking to him for a while, then do it.  If that means dating ten guys, that’s okay too (but please please PLEASE keep yourself safe from this awful virus!).  And if that means eating ten boxes of ice cream, then that’s okay too.

You’ve had an adventure, a beautiful romantic fantasy.  But it’s ending.  He’s going to be okay, as he’s showing.  All that matters now is what happens with you.

There’s no reason why you shouldn’t love him for the rest of your life; I imagine he’ll feel just that way about you.  But this is your life, and you deserve more adventures, and a love that’s all yours.

Get through this now.  A new, better, world awaits you when you’re done.

All my best,

Shirelle

Is it wrong to cut off contact with an ex who’s reaching out?

AayuTheLegend asks: I’m contacting you today to tell you that recently my ex, who publicly insulted me and dumped for the dumbest reasons ever, has tried messaging me, calling me, DMing me on Instagram.  I ignored it until I was fed up because it had been a week of getting these messages, so I finally picked up a call after declining 5 times and she said “sorry.” I don’t know why, but hearing that word just triggered me and I scolded her and cut off the call… I haven’t gotten a call since but I think I did “too much.”

What’s your opinion?

Hi AayuTheLegend –

Usually I’m all for being kind and polite.  So I love that you’re worried you might have done too much.

But I don’t think you did.

Here’s the deal.  First, she’s your ex, who insulted you in public and dumped you stupidly.

Second, she basically stalked you, not letting you take the space you clearly wanted, to the point of harassment.

And third, she hit you with “Sorry,” which sounds to me like “Oh you need to forgive me,” instead of finding out what you were feeling.

So you have all three of those reasons to be annoyed with her, and all three of those behaviors to stop in her.

And being too sweet wasn’t going to do it.

What you needed to do was to make it clear to her that none of these behaviors was going to work.  And you did it.

And the behaviors have stopped.

So what’s to feel bad about?

Now there may come a day in the future when you and she talk, and you feel like apologizing to her for being so abrupt with her, while she apologizes to you for the insults, breakup, and stalking.  Fine, I’m all for all that.

But for now, you’ve set a clear boundary, that you don’t want to be treated like this.  And to me, that’s that’s … um …   Legendary!

All my best,

Shirelle

What to do about a girl who’s hitting on your boyfriend

Blessing Special asks:

There’s this girl that has been disturbing my boyfriend. He told me all about her. She even ruined our dinner one time with her call, for which my boyfriend was mad at her.  He pleaded with me and we were cool, but I told him am not comfortable with her calls. But he keeps saying that he isn’t talking to her any more and he muted her on WhatsApp. Now my question to him was why can’t you block her since she got your number from your cousin and she’s disturbing you even when she knows that you have a girlfriend? She’s still throwing passes at you. He then said that he couldn’t block her because she’s his cousin’s friend and that his cousin will feel bad. So my feelings doesn’t matter, but that of your cousin whose friend is disturbing our peace does? She keeps sending him dirty voice notes and trashy chat.  I am not comfortable at all.

Hi Blessing Special –

Oh WOW do I relate!  Handsome is WAY too friendly with other puppies, and I get super-jealous.  But this is especially so because she’s doing this when you’re there, and of course you’re offended.

I do understand your boyfriend wanting to be nice to her for his cousin’s sake, but you’re right – the cousin’s feelings shouldn’t come before yours.

So I have an idea.  Maybe it’ll work, maybe not, but if your boyfriend is in agreement…

What if, the next time she calls when you’re together, he answers, but then says “Hey I’m sorry I can’t talk right now, but can you talk to Blessing Special?”  And hands you the phone.

Maybe she’ll hang up right away, maybe she’ll be rude to you, or maybe she’ll be really nice to you.  I don’t know.  But the statement he’ll be making will be clear – that you’re the one who matters, and if she wants to deal with him, she’s dealing with the two of you.  And that’s the message she needs to hear, and the message you need him to give.

Once she knows he’s on your side, I imagine these stupid calls will stop.  So if you talk with her, you don’t need to be mean.  Just pretend to be ignorant, “Oh hello, who’s this?  Oh how do you know Ingmar (or whatever your boyfriend’s name is)?  Oh yes, I know that cousin, he’s great!” etc.

What do you think?  Can it work?

Shirelle

What to do when someone breaks up with you but wants to keep talking as friends

Aditya23 asks:  I’m a 17 year old boy with an 18 year old girlfriend. We’ve been dating three years now and our love has transformed from a childhood to a serious post teenage love. I really love her and want her in my life. She’s a bit childish and I love her like that. A few days ago I was with my dad and watching tv when she called me. I ignored the call and texted “I’m with my dad will call you in 5.” She kept calling again and again and when I finally picked up I told her (not in calm voice but not shouting too) “I told you I’m with my father, can’t you wait for a while.” She hung up and after few times the fight was sorted by simple sorry from both sides. Yesterday we had a small argument again, and after that she said she doesn’t love me like she used to before. The day I shouted on her left a negative impact on her and our love, and she wants to break up. She said she loves me but not like our love was before. She’s still constantly texting me and saying that we can still be friends. We had this breakup conversation at noon yesterday and since then she’s constantly calling me and asking me to talk – but not as a boyfriend anymore, just as a best friend. She’s still afraid of me shouting again and saying she never wants to date me again, as she has stopped feeling like dating me. I love her very much and I gave her time to relax and think, but she wants to talk to me but not as a boyfriend anymore. I really apologized for that day, but she’s saying she has stopped feeling that for me. I want her back in my life. Please help.

Hi Aditya23 –

I understand this very well, from both sides.  I have befriended dogs and humans, and at some point barked or even snapped at them, and then let them know all was fine, but they were angry or frightened, so much that we couldn’t become friends.

And I’ve also been with someone who scared me so badly that, no matter how nice they were to me afterwards, I couldn’t be as close or playful with them as before. 

So I get it.

But there’s one thing I haven’t done, in this situation.  I haven’t ever been so scared of someone I couldn’t bear to be with them, and then spent all my time reaching out to them and telling them over and over that I was keeping distant. 

That is something different!

And that behavior, her reaching out to you over and over to tell you that she just wants to be friends, makes me pretty optimistic for you!

It reminds me of a situation some years back.  Handsome, my human, was dating a wonderful woman with a cute five-year-old daughter, who adored me and called me “The Bestest Dog in the World!”  (Even Handsome had never called me that!)  She’d always wanted a father, and thought Handsome would make a very good one.  She actually wanted to tell people that he was her father.  But she knew she couldn’t do that.  So instead she would tell them that he wasn’t!.  Now that wasn’t a big problem if she was talking to her mommy’s friends, but when she started going up to strangers in parks saying “That man is not my father!” her mom had to stop her before someone called the police!

And your girlfriend is doing the same thing as that little girl.  If she’d really just felt she wanted to be friends and nothing more, she’d have said so and then acted more distantly from you.  Instead, she’d be avoiding you, and when you called her, trying to be extra-distant.

But she may not realize she’s doing this, any more than that little girl knew she almost put my guy in prison as a kidnapper!  And I think the reason she’s behaving this way is because she is so attached to you that she’s frightened – if someone she didn’t care much about yelled at her she might be fine, but I think she’s scared you’re beginning to reveal your true self to her.

So here’s my advice.  Accept her ‘friendship.’  Give her the space she needs.  But every time you talk, tell her again how sorry you are about what happened.  And even better, tell her that you’re working on yourself to make sure that you never do anything like that again to anyone.  That you’re talking to people about why you might have blown up that way, and how to control angry outbursts in the future.

And what you’ll really be doing is telling the frightened part of her that you are more trustworthy than anyone else she knows.  That anyone can blow up accidentally, but you are taking control of it.

You see, that’s the part of her you’re working on. Trying to get it to calm down and stop fearing you so much.

I don’t know how long that will take.  A week, a month, longer?  But she will learn to trust you if you keep it up.

And what to do then?  Well, I’d say to see where you two are then.  Will it have taken so long that you’ve lost interest in her?  Or will she have found a new boyfriend?

Or will you two both miss each other so much, and feel even more for each other than you did before, and collapse into each other’s arms in complete joy!

I don’t know.  But I do know that right now, trust is the only issue that matters.  And anything you can do to convince her you’re worthy of her trust is just what she needs.

Best of Luck!

Shirelle

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